feels like home

this morning i did my usual lay in bed, eat candy, read an entire novel bit. it felt fabulous. i mean, i was wracked with guilt, but i still coudn't make myself do anything else. the bag lady canceled AGAIN, i don't know if i'll EVER get more bags to do. i'm sorry i rushed on them. sigh. it's a bit tiresome. anyway, took my laundry, and the laundry d left here to the laundrymat and did it. started writing letters- i am so so so behind on my correspondence, i feel terrible about it. i started a letter to mairee, and got sorta stuck in memories, trying to describe my summer. i got quite an ache for l. i've been missing her a lot recently. i wish having a real live girlfriend could make up for the absence of her in my life, but somehow it doesn't- they're on different planes, my sadness and the pink room. and i really wasn't feeling very pink room. d continues to be sick, and i'm finding it hard to deal with, the endless whining and ill health. i mean, i know she's more tired of it than i am, but i feel worn down by the misery that is her life right now- her cold, her ex, her son, her car, insurance, the police, on and on and on it seems to go. there seems to be the devil on one shoulder saying "what the fuck are you doing here? get out as fast as you can!" and an angel on the other saying, "what the dickens is wrong with you, you cold hearted callous bitch? have some compassion and patience!" and i'm right in between, always wrong, never loving the right way, never satisfied.

i was gonna go over to d's tonight and carve pumpkins and take jr trick-or-treating. but d's so sick and it's so far away and i'm feeling self-hating because i got nothing done today and don't feel like traveling in my costume and her ex took the pmpkin carving kit and it was just all a mess. so instead jr went trick or treating with aaron the upstairs neighbor kid, and then they drove up to my place, and jr and i showed each other our costumes, and he showed me his booty, and we played games, and got dinner from blue elephant. i taught him to play crazy eights. when they first came in, d said to jr, "did you see caitlin's bookcases? look at how many books she has! see, she doesn't need a tv, she has so many books!" he's like, "wow. do you have a hundred books?" and i say, more like 300. he starts to count, but gets quickly distracted. anyway, some magic did occur at the end of the night, with jr picking out which book he wanted me to read. he picked bartholemew and the oobleck by dr. seuss, and so the three of us cuddled on the couch and ate halloween candy and d and i drank tea and i read and linford detwiler played the piano in the backround.