1. when i was living at su casa, and feeling very unstable and rather depressed, the only things that kept me from up and leaving what seemed like a horrible decision in my life was my love of chicago and the joy of working with ruth. i clung to her like my life vest on a sinking boat, and it made her feel uncomfortable and a bit stifled, i think. and then she was planning on leaving for 2 weeks to vacation in texas. i wasn't sure what life at su casa was going to be like without her, but the day she left she slid the nicest little love letter under my door, saying how i was going to be alright, and how i could talk to other people in the house about different things, and i should ignore the rest of them and she'd be back soon.. it was so needed, right then. i felt known, and cared for.
2. my grandma had had a heart attack and it was a huge surprise to everyone. i was just in shock, and wanted to stay at home where i could process. but supposedly you need family at such times, so i was imported back to pa. i was uncomfortable enough with the new shape of the world anyway, and really didn't want to deal with that unfamiliar environment. it was dad's mom and so i was staying at his house, which i'd never done before. i was home alone because dad was at work, and the phone rang. i answered it, and it was amy, and she said, "i'm driving up (from outside of philly) today. can i rescue you?" and so she gave me what i miss most in pa- transportation. we visited the necessary relatives, we went shopping on penn ave, she was something familar to my life in a topsy-turvy world.
3. i was having a hard time with the whole homosexuality thing, and with church in general, and esp. as i was thinking it was more and more ok by god, and learning that the vineyard was not on the same page as me. they were doing these round table discussions on heated issues, or relevant ones, or something, i don't remember. and one sunday the topic was homosexuality, and mairee said she was so afraid of it, she wanted to be at my table, and i said i was too, that i was living in delusion and the shit was about to hit the fan. and it did. the discussion was painful, and that was bad for mairee, but the sermon was what was really awful for me, i didn't know whether to cry or walk out. i think that may have been the exact moment the christian part of me died. but while i was sitting there mairee dropped a little slip of paper in my bible and it said "i *heart* U" and i knew there were relationships in my life more important than my relationship with jesus.
4. last year right before valentine's day there was a fire in the appartment next to mine. it's a long story involving running through smoky halways and stairwells, living on g's floor for a week, broken windows, wet carpet, ruined possesions, and no renter's insurance. and i was starting a new semester at school. and working v-day at the flowershop. so stressed and fragile. the mail carrier left me a note that i had to go to the post office (my box, in the lobby, was undamaged) to sign for a package, and so i left work early one day to got to the middle of the ghetto where my stupid post office is. i got there 2 minutes after they closed, and they wouldn't let me in. i was so hurt, and full of rage, RAGE! i was crying to the postmistress, and she turned me away. i stood screaming in the parking lot for a few minutes, the thugs looking at me strangely as they walked by. caught the bus home and couldn't stop crying, it was scary. i called g from my cell phone and she answered! can i come over i sobbed, and she said sure. she made me tea and petted me while i cried and cried and cried. she petted my back as i whined about all my woes. and then i had to go to my darkroom class (which i had missed the week before due to fire related activities) so she helped me stop and sent me on my way.
4b. actually, i just thought of a better g one. this was 4 months before the fire, on halloween, i was all dressed up and took some flowers to mairee after work. well her new (at the time) boyfriend dave was there, and he'd already brought her flowers, and was making her happy. and we made waffles with strawberries, and he put all her strawberries in a heart on her waffle and outlined it in whipped cream. i felt so superfluous, i went home pretty early and took a bath to try and get out of my depression. but i ended up feeling worse, and i shaved my legs. the next day i was at g's, and i told her i was feeling bad, and i mentioned the legs, and she took it so seriously. she's like, i don't care if it's a school night, we need to get out of here, go to a coffee shop or something, tell me what's going on. it made me feel so good to be so well known, to have someone recoginze what a sign shaving is in my life.
5. and finally, most recently, i'd been out of touch with bethany for a while. but last summer i wrote her a big long letter catching her up as to what i'd been doing that year. and i was really honest about the things in my life, and then one day in early september she called me up! we have a penpal relationship, so this was quite a surprise. and she called me up to see how i was doing because of mom's wedding. she remembered her parents remarrying, and the struggles that caused in her, and she wanted me to take her number with me and to call anytime i needed to in the whole wild wedding weekend. i felt understood, and loved in spite of my inperfections.
so the next time i'm feeling lonely and whiny, i need to remember what good friends i have, and how they've helped me through whiny and lonely times before!
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