not sewing, no time.

worked 12 hrs yesterday- from flowershop to spectacle space. christopher was doing a puppet installation and needed to take his sewing machine. so i couldnt' work on bags. d picked me up and gave me a ride home... then proceeded to spend the night. so if any of you are looking for those cds or packages i promised, it isn't happening.




lets see- did i post sunday? i got chores done sunday, a few moments of blissful feeling caught up before more bags desended. i got the cds burned and sleeved- all i have to do is package them up and mail them and you will finally, finally have them! but i also cleaned the house, watered the plants- you should SEE my christmas cactus! i need to take photos. it is blooming and beautiful. i also cleaned up my garden. brought in and re-potted the mint and chamomile, cleaned up and brought in the geranium, threw away everything else except for a creeping vine that is still hardy. i left one box of dirt and planted my lupine seeds- we'll see if they bloom come spring. i still have half a box left i'd love to get bulbs for- but i fear it may be too late.

in the evening, the bag lady came over in a rush, picking up the 4 i had and giving me NINE more! she's in the one of a kind show at the merchandice mart- BIG DEAL. so she wants these ones done in a week. i need to start working on them NOW!

but i'll catch up you blog readers first. d picked me up after the bag lady came and went, and she is looking SEXY! she got a new hair cut in iowa and it's lovely. not that i've taken pictures. will do my best to get some to you! we went to her place where i met her sister, who's in town for the week, and we all made little pizzas for dinner.

then today it was back to the normal grind- work, square dancing. we had a guest from portland, which makes me interested in dancing with the independance squares of philly some day. anyway. off to bag a-measuring.


needles and boots

just spent the last hour and a half shopping for boots online. sigh. mom gave me money for a new pair of docs since my last pair have cracked holes. i wanted these:
in cherry, but they don't seem to be available in the us, and i couldn't justify paying 31 pounds shipping. so mom and i both were searching, and we finally decided on these from overstocks dot com:
in bark. because they were so cheap, i also got a pair of rouge mary jane oxfords.

WOW! and as i was just steallng the pic from amazon to post here, i saw amazon's charging $106 for them! i got a steal!

anyway, my reasons for not posting yesterday: i was planning on sewing all day, and maybe getting to go to michelle's party if i finished on time. but then ch called me and said, "let's go see volver this afternoon!" and how was i going to say no to that? it was totally worth it. although not the best almodovar i've ever seen, still totally fun and enjoyable. and they all talk about how big penelope cruz's boobs are- what's not to like? so i came home and started furiously sewing, discovering that there was no way i was going to get done at a reasonable hour to go to the party. then, sewing through 4 layers of the world's thickest upholstery fabric, my needle snapped. and i'm out. and handcock's closed. so i got all dressed up and went over to michelle's to borrow sewing machine needles! i called the bag lady and let her know they wouldn't be done on time, then had a good time.

today i took them to the spectacle space to work on them there. i only have one more to sew together, then glue them all in, and i'm done with this batch. don't know why they were so arduous this time. it's usually not this bad. but i'm totally stressed out about them- my throat's all closed up, like when i'm working on a show. i don't know what i'm so stressed out about! and of course, am i doing anything useful with my time? no, i'm buying shoes online.



clockwise from upper left:
stuffed squash, homemade rolls, gravy, turkey, root vegetable cobbler, homemade cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, canned cranberry sauce, 24hr salad, stuffing. not picured- wine and pumpkin-apple butter pie.

yum. all the hits of my childhood, with the exception of aunt deann's cheesy corn cassarole, plus wine and good music. after the feast we played whoonü and apples to apples, and then who knew again. and of course we ate in between each. it was very much being like family, other than the lack of generations. ah, what odd relatives i have here in chicago. thanksgiving for me is so much about flavors for me- blending the sweet and savory, cranberry, butter, sage, marshmallow, pumpkin. (oddly enough, christmas is more about smell- pine, cloves, cinnamon, candle wax, peppermint, oranges, snow- odd since smell isn't usually that important to me.) joe demanded we stay pretty traditional, which i was glad of. it was perfect. this was the 3rd thanksgiving i'd ever spent away from family. when i first went to su casa i was there for thanksgiving, and then the next year i was in northern ireland. i was pretty lonely for both of those, so i wasn't sure how i was gonna feel this year, but i was very loved. got texts from the fochts, z, leah, michelle, deb. and a called. and my mom.

and i got that comment from j, which i am also feeling quite contemplative of. first, j's little sister hates cards even more than she does. and marty won't ever play. now, i am a big gamer. i love playing games and find it an integral way of interacting with my relatives. my friends, we tend to sit around and listen to music and drink and chat. but without the other things to bond over, it's hard to just chat, and i think games are a way to actively be present with others, and have fun, without the pressure of necessarily peforming or working at conversation. i was always taught that it's important to spend time with my family, and i don't get much of it, so i should make it count. i am totally cool with non-players sitting at the table with us and trying to learn the rules- or even just drinking coffee and making snarky comments. or if one group wants to play games and another wants to watch football, that's cool too. but i guess i'm like grandma (shocking! i can't believe i ever wrote that about anything!) in that i get really upset when people choose to participate in individual activies (reading books, watching tv, surfing the internet) instead of participating in community. of course, doing the dishes is always a get out of jail free card.

you know, i've been thinking alot about the things i miss about l, things especially that i don't have in d. but i should look at it both ways- i was always sad that l hated cards, and i'm really excited about playing 500 with the family when d comes home with me for christmas.


thanksgiving mix

When Fall Comes To New England Cheryl Wheeler
Close Of Autumn Caedmon's Call
harvest moon Neil Young
Autumngirlsoup Kirsty MacColl
Hey Kind Friend Indigo Girls
You To Thank Ben Folds
gratitude Ani DiFranco
thank you dido
autumn shelter velour100
I Write Sins Not Tragedies Panic! At The Disco
November Juli
Kind & Generous Natalie Merchant
i thank you for bringing me here luka bloom
I Was Thinking I Could Clean Up For Christmas Aimee Mann
Thank You Jen Porter
Thanksgiving George Winston

happy thanksgiving

grocery shopping yesterday was a very holiday feeling. i didnt' have much produce on my list, and i did need bagles, so i just went to domincks, and there was a million people and christmas music playing, and all these old white haired ladies with their fall sweaters and handwritten lists. college students with their buddies yelling down the aisles, "derek, do you have flour?" there were free samples all over the place, and everything was cleaned up all shiny from the construction. i had the hardest time finding stuff, cause things people only use once a year like frenchfried onion rings (which i did NOT buy) and and cranberry sauce (which i did) were all on the endcaps of the aisles.

i called my grandma from the grocery store to make sure i had the right cranberry sauce recipie. i loaded up my basket with cans of stuff, i bought pumpkin, cause ch was so pouty about making pumpkin pie i thought i'd make one with my amaretto-graham crumb crust. but then there was Panic! at the disco when i approached the dairy case to get the whipping cream for the 24hr salad. the entire top two rows of shelving were EMPTY. no whipping cream, no whipped cream, no dairy-free whipped topping. nothing. so i carried the rest of my groceries home, calling ch to tell him if he hasn't been to the store to NOT buy a pie and to pick up whipping cream if he could. but i got his voice mail, so i went to the devon market after all.

such a different vibe there! nothing out of the ordinary, just your usual busy after work crowd. and they had whipping cream!! horray! and i bought more bread crumbs, which i couldn't find at dominics, and there were good homemade ones from a chicago bakery. i tried ch again to tell him i'd gotten the whipping cream. he said the grocery store was out of pies, and pie crusts, so he bought pumpkin and apple butter, and joe was bringing the pie shell. guess people shop early for their t-day needs!

talking about panic at the disco, i can't get the acoustic version of i write sins not tragedies out of my head. like, for THREE DAYS. it's terrible. i just put the radio-hit version on the thanksgiving mix i'm preparing to take to ch's house this afternoon. wondering what's on it? just ask, i'll let you know.

had a nice time cooking last night. called both g-ma and mom while i was slicing grapes for the 24hr salad, and they too were draining their pineapple. it gave me a bonded feeling, three generations making the same desert salad halfway across the country. when i was done talking to them i put on my thanksgiving record- arlo guthrie's alice's restaurant, of course! i love listening to the thanksgiving day massacre every year. i totally overcooked the cranberries- they have a slight carmelized flavor, and they're as thick as the stuff in the can. but i think it's ok. and now i need to go bake the squash again. and then i'll head over to ch's to have a "thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat"! and no one will be taking any 8x10 full color glossy photographs with a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was....

still not sure how i'm going to carry all the food, plus games, to the train...



spent hours trying to get the old comments back monday night. didn' t work. so sorry chicas. i can turn off the word verification or have them open in the same window if you like. but i can't make haloscan work right with blogger beta. wah-wah.

j, thanks for singing even if it's not ani!

so tuesday on my way to work i realized i'd left my cell at home. this was a problem, cause the plan was to call d when i got to n and clyborn and she and jr would pick me up, we'd make dinner, and then go see happy feet. unfortunately, i don't have her number written down. anywhere. i had really no way of getting a hold of her. that afternoon i sent her flowers that said to call me at the flowershop, and i'd just take the bus to her place. unfortunately, she'd been coming in and out of the back and didn't get them on the front stoop. so she put up some rice at dinner time when she hadn't heard from me, and went to the train station to wait. she must have missed me as i darted across the street to the bus. when i got to her place i could see lights on and hear music playing, plus she'd left the back gate open, so i sat down to wait, knowing she'd be home soon.

meanwhile, she was panicking, since i hadn't called her all day. she went to my house, found my phone, and called charles from it. he told her i was going to her place, and so she called my neighbors who told her i'd just left. when the bus finally got back to the train station, she was standing right by the doors for me! finally! so we missed the movie, but we did make a phenominal stir-fry. i have no patience for the kid watching cartoons while we're in teh kitchen, so i sat him down to peel carrots and then to dry the dishes i washed, and he had a good time participating. the stir fry ended up being so good. and i was SO SO hungry by this point. after cleaning up jr wanted to play a game, so we played a condensed version of life. deb and i both put a second pink peg in our cars when we got married, a lá cristina salat's living in secret.

i got home so early this morning, so i went back to bed for a few hours. now i need to get to work- my list has gotten so long! i need to get to the grocery store, and then start cooking for thanksgiving! not to mention clean up after the cat's mess after i was gone last night. little fucker broke another hand made bowl.
and of course, burning cds for all of you!


dancing continued

off to square dancing again. monday night class, doncha know. but thank you all for your comments! i am TRYING to fix the commenting. i appriciate you taking the time to comment in such an awful forum, though! much love and cds to you!


dance, dance

hopefully everyone can sing that with a swedish accent and sound just like hello saferide.

it's been a whorlwind of a weekend. friday night d and i went to the chix mix party again. we had fun, lots of friends there- her crazy friend barb and an ex of hers, jenny. and my friends carrie and ashley. i was so tired, i felt like i was dancing from the waist down and sleeping from the waist up. friday nights are hard, dude.

then saturday i went to work at the spectacle space. after which d had said she'd give me time to get my stuff done while she cleaned her house. but she was depressed, so i went over there to help her clean. we made SERIOUS work on her room, i caught a glimmer of how the place looked before she moved in, so that was super nice, gave me hope, and hopefully her too, and the hope will motivate her to finish. then we were back at north and sheffield, where the beautiful and suburban people go to party, for an 80's dance party. i was dubious about it, but her teacher friends are totally cool- i'd like to meet them in a setting more condusive to conversation than a noisy bar. and the music was better than i expected. they played one verse of eurhythmics sweet dreams, 99 red balloons in english, don't you want me baby? (but just the mysoginstic verse, not the empowered woman verse) a new kids on the block song, ice ice baby, etc. so that was new for me, recognizing songs, i mean. the cover was huge, but the wine coolers were cheap- so 80s.

but i woke up late at d's today totally stressed out. where has my weekend gone? how have i not been home for over 24 hrs again? how many hours have i been apart from d since the weekend started? (answer:about 5, at work and traveling) it got worse when i realized i missed ruth's birthday 3 days ago. it got even worse when i realized there was a squared ance today. i told ch i'd go so i did, but it wasn't that much fun. i really disliked the caller- it was more of a game than a dance to him, and he kept making up stupid calls. and since it was all the way through a level, i only could dance about 1/3 of the tips. and i was underdressed for doing that little dancing, in my 1830's t-shirt (the rachel) from the new book z sent me for my birthday.

but then i came home, finally, and sat down and typed so many emails that have been piling up. and talked to a and z on the phone to boot. so i'm feeling much more ready to face the oncoming week. plus it's such a short week, i just work monday wednesday saturday. so i will get those cds out to all who asked and more. j and kira, thanks so much for commentting, i will be so happy to send ones to you, as well. jamie, you're already on my list!

but no burning has happened yet (playlist is 21 seconds over) so the polls are not yet closed. comment if you still want one!



so yesterday after work i was going to go to ch's to FINALLY watch the much hyped "scenes from the class struggle in beverly hills". but then ch had a horrible cold, and he went home sick. what was a girl to do but run the flowershop by herself?

d had forgotten the ice cream she brought over on tues, and jr was pretty upset. so she said she was gonna come over after work to pick it up. but really she wanted to take me out to dinner for our two month anniversary. we had indian- can you believe she's never had indian? how has she known me for 2 months and not yet experienced devon? i feel like i've been remiss in my duties. so by the time she gets here, we go out, we come home, fool around, she goes home, and suddenly it's past my bedtime. AND since ch is sick, i think it's only nice to offer to open for him today.

so i'm feeling overwhelmed. have i bitched about my loans here? they're coming due. SOON. like, the 28th. they just moved it up a month earlier. i don't know why or how, all i know is they want $280 out of me. i called them up and begged them to switch my plan, which they did, but it won't be activated till next month. can we say BROKE? had to call my mom up in tears and beg for rent money. goddess, i hate doing that. so anyway, i need to work on bags and other things that pay. a woman at square dancing offered to give me work last tuesday and i TURNED IT DOWN! can you believe? sure i got some letters written. but how important is that, really, in the long run?

don't have them mailed yet- so many need cds. i just threw together a mix of my new music 2006. want a copy? drop me a line or post a comment.

pics coming soon. really. i promise.


another postless sunday

sorry. i'm trying to be better. on saturday after work with christopher i raced home to finish the bags before meeting with brigid. when i got home, d had made dinner, cleaned the kitchen, and taken out the trash. *fluttering hearts* housework is truely the way to win me over. she'd also stopped at early to bed and bought a new toy for me. after brigid dropped off the new set of bags, we ate dinner then went to the late show of shortbus. it was really amazing. i didn't think i'd like it, then i read reviews and thought i might, but seeing it i loved it. d liked it too. such charming characters, and a truely stupendous model.

we we lazy sunday morning, then i went to sacred harp sing. after that i took my film to walgreens, and cut apart a tshirt in a new style from z's book. it's pretty cute- my old philly folk fest shirt now has puffed sleeves and a low ruffled neckline. but i think i might tone the sleeves down a bit so it's not so linebacker-esqe. the pictures turned out well- will scan them in soon. what do youall think of me posting bodypainting pics? please comment on if you want to see them or if you think i should leave htem off. will def. post pictures of jr with mitzi and his halloween candy. i talked to z for a while last night, and she said, "is jr supercute beacause his mom's white and his dad's black?" and i had to say it was true. and then she REALLY made me laugh telling me about dating samir, and the first time dad saw a picture of him, he said, where's HE from, and z replied, "long island." that z. she never has esprit de escalier. she always has the snappy comeback just at the right time.

nothing too exciting at work today. on my way to gay squaredancing now. will post more later.



finally, i'm getting these up. i didn't realize how long it takes me to scan in pictures. these are just the highlights, a bunch more sewing ones can be found on flickr. enjoy, and comment!

most are sewing photots:

there's this one from the garden;

the cat making trouble with the bowling ball bags; but then also being cute,

the halloween square dance! it's josiah, philana, me and marshall:

and here are marshal and i actuall dancing!

and i hope you've scrolled down this far, because a wanted to see more pics of d and i, so this one's for her.
here we are with the apple pie we made for ch and hugo:

but the winner of it all is this scan! i am so happy that i have a scanner now, just so i can show you the picture jr drew for me.

it just doesn't get much better than that.

same old same old

lets see. first, someone who didn't sign asked what TOC was, and it's time out chicago magazine. check it out- pretty cool.

next, yesterday. worked downtown all day with christopher. actually, we didnt' work much, cause we were both mad at the boss, so we sat around and chatted. i love chatting wtih christopher. we can talk sex, politics, money- all the things you should stay away from. it's perfect.

it was pouring down rain, and i wanted to go to the library, but i didn't make it on time. WHY does it have to close at 5 fri, sat sun? it really cramps my style. after work, we went to see the gymnast at reeling, the gay and lesbian film festival here in chicago. it's in it's 25 year, and it was showing at a columbia building, so i said why not. PLUS, it was a lesbian flick about aerial artists on SILKS! what more could a girl ask for in a movie, i ask you? it was quite good.

walking there was kind of scary, though. it was POURING down rain and windy. christopher and i were sharing a large umbrella, and he had it held out in front of us like ashield, so we couldn't see where we were going. and we hear a CRASH like breaking glass, and i'm like, my goddess that was a car accident. and he's like, where? and i look around and suddenly i hear crunching under my shoes. i look up and the big plate glass window of the building had broken from the wind. we were 10 steps away from it breaking on us. scary.

but after the movie d picked us up and took christopher home- sweet! we drove to the mag mile to hear jen porter, but we were a half hour early, and couldn't find parking, so we ended up just going home. jp plays all the time, and we were, as christopher said, feeling frisky.

when i got home, a fabulous surprise awaited me! a box from z! she'd finally sent me a birthday gift, and what i gift it was!!! a super cute t shirt- a super soft onefishtwofishredfishbluefish shirt. and a another cut-apart-tshirt-fashion book (99 new designs! rock on!) and my fave digestive biscuts. AND pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. AND mint chocolate chip cookies. AND, if that's not enough, the bushies! so now george and laura smile down above my desk.

"to mr irwin mcc----, thank you for your generous suport of the republican national committee. working together, we will build a better brighter tomorrow for every american. warmest regards, (signed) george bush."

goddess, it's so fabulous and republican. ah, the farm.

OH! and other breaking farm news! today d said she doesn;t think our trip to ca is gonna happen- money is just too tight. so i said she should come to pa.. and she's thinking seriously about that!! can you believe it!! have you ever heard of anything so exciting? so yeah, there's scary stuff about like, being on the farm together and meeting the fam and such.. but there's really wonderful stuff too. so i need to check with the important people, of course, but i have so much enthusiasm how could it not happen?


cut and paste

so mom sends me an email saying, "did you look at the cat loafs?" with an attached picture.

i reply with, "are those your cat loafs? what a pretty quilt!"

and so what are the sponsored links?

Wall Mount Quilt Holders
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Butterfly Quilts
Let Mother Nature bring fluttering friends into your bedroom.

Turkey Meat Loaf
$250 Turkey day grocery giveaway. Turkey day rewards are limited.

Used bakery machines
used 2nd hand bakery machines more than 600 machines in stock

am i the only person who finds these just hilarious? i know people hate gmail ads reading your email, but i love it. certainly better than the flashing myspace crap.

last circus class

it was so sad! i need to scrounge up enough money to do it again sometime. since it was the last class of the semester, we each chose our fave apperatus to do a routine on. i was the only person who chose silks rather than something simpler, like silk knot or something. so i got quite the work out! i was so scared i wouldn't be able to perform my 5 or so poses because my arms were turning to jelly. it looks so easy, but i would slide down just panting out of breath. but i climbed up them a good 3 or 4 feet, did a figure 8 wrap, leaned forward opening up the silks, sat down inside the silk in a coccoon, then unrapped my wrap (so i was hanging on by just my hands) and kicked up into an upsidedown leg wrap, wrapped the silks around my waist and let go, then flipped right side up and opened up the silks into a butterfly. ta da! then flipped back upside down to get out of it without breaking my rib cage. and didn't crash somehow trying to extricate myself. i was so proud! i may take the all-aerial class if i do it again. i hope so.

oh, and i forgot to tell you! the highlight of my monday- when i went to mackelly's to buy my lunch the guy behind the counter called me sir! he quickly apologized, but you know how i love being read wrong, and it happens so rarely.

so once i got home, i had to start working on bags because the bag lady was coming right after work today. it took me till almost midnight, but i completed the 6 she needed for this weekend. so that's nice- good money. the fashion designer came into christopher's fabric shop today. it brought her back into my mind. she never paid me for those patterns. what a bitch. need to see if i can get any more money out of her. anyway, i fired her and kept the bag lady. had awful commuting luck today- the bag lady actualy picked me up at howard after i got on the express. and i got to ride around in her cute little bug! sexy. she keeps glitter paper flowers in her bud vase. and i gave her a table full of bags and she gave me a big fat check. nice!

now i need to get this cat off my lap and make some dinner. but she's so warm!


so sorry

what the hell have i been doing that's more important than blogging? no wonder no one reads here anymore, i never post.

things have just been busy, what with the new bags and all. but i hate to not have a new post up on monday for when everyone gets back to work and turns on their computers. and i have to keep posting these marathon posts to make up for it. ok, so sunday. slept in and got to work on the bags. the grace kelly dress couple came by for the fitting. SO nice. she's just as sweet as he is, and the dress fit pretty well, and they said no rush on the alterations. so it's lovely. i have time to get the bags done first, and i just have to call him and he'll come by and pick it up.

d called halfway through my day asking my plans for the night- more bags, grocery shopping, etc. she really wanted to see me, so she and jr took me grocery shopping and we made dinner. i was panicking over a meal, because i don't eat meat and jr doesn't eat much besides meat and d doesn't eat cheese which seems to form this major block in my brain and stops me from thinking of all the delicious vegan food i love to eat. we made pasta and frozen vegetables. it was very low key. jr gave me a bag full of gifts he'd collected for me. some of his halloween candy. a baby picture of him. 10 plastic cups. a capri sun. 36cents. a stuffed animal that looks like a fast food prize. and my favourite by far, a picture he drew of me and deb and him, all neatly labeled, with only one letter going the wrong way. i love it passionately. jr is facinated by my transformer sort of apartment. he is always trying to figure out how the chair turns into a bed. so i finally pulled it out to show him, and when d and i were cleaning up the kitchen he fell asleep on it. so we took that as a chance to neck. but we were both pretty hot, and when she wanted to go farther i'm like, no way do i feel comfortable with your son sleeping 4 feet away. my bathroom door is the only one with a lock, so we went in there to take a shower together. and we had some other fun before that, awkward as my tiny bathroom can be. lets just say that before we got in the shower she had one cold buttcheek from the marble floor and one warm one from the radiator!

so, needless to say, i didn't get the last bag cut out that night. yesterday was work and square dancing, so no more bagwork then, either. started to fight with my little sister about christmas. i guess the beginning of november isn't to early for that. but geez. every year, i can't seem to figure out how everyone could be happy.

so today i tryed to get right to work, but ended up doing my usual weekend morning thing, bed, book, bon-bons. also had to go out and vote. it feels like old news now. i wish two weeks ago i'd had the chance to voice my thoughts on the governors race. i was at a loss as to who to vote for- the democrat whose politics i believed in, but who's a creepy guy who's gotten nothing done in the past however long he's been governor... or the snarky, uppity republican woman who we've sent flowers to before, who has this great personality but has republican beliefs. i just didn't know what to do. i mean, i have no problem voting for our democratic atourney general lisa madigan because she is just adorable and gets shit done. but governor, i had no idea. and i guess i wasn't alone, because the tribune article actually talked about how unhappy voters are with their choices. THEN there was an article in the reader about a green canidate, and how a vote green is not throwing your vote away!! horray! so i was glad to have a canidate that i believed in that i could vote for and feel like i'm acompishing something- i don't expect him to win, but i really want greens to get their 5% in illinois, so that they can be valid in the future. because we need more choices. while arguing about voting with d last night, i realized that what makes me angry about politics in america today is the same argument i've used for other things here- i want more than two choices. why are we so obsessed with binary coding? why does everything have to be democrat or republican, female or male, gay or straight? it's why i prefer the enniagram (sp) to meyers-briggs personality tests. people say there's 16 choices, but really it's just 4 different binary options. i think there's more to people than that. the world is too complicated a place to be so easily broken down.

so anyway, after voting i worked seriously on the bags. at one point my doorbell rung- the ups guy was delivering my business cards! they're lovely, that's exciting. then later in the day there was a knock on my door- d! she had an hour free and missed me. i unfortunately had to keep working, but she was content to just be over here, even if i was making bags.

i had to hurry and get them all done because i had a concert tonight! i was so excited to hear brandi carlile, and ch said, wait, she must be opening for shawn colvin. and that bummed me out, cause i knew that would bump the ticket price high. it was $30, which was more than i wanted to pay, but ch said, think of it as $15 for shawn and $15 for brandi and that was TOTALLY reasonable i thought. and then at the last minute i was able to convince him to go, too. horray! and it was amazing. brandi moaned in her beautiful way that hurt just to listen to, and shawn... ah, shawn. she gave the concert that i know better than to hope for. i thought i missed my chance to see her like this. buddy miller was her guitarist, and he was awesome. and she had a girl drummer with big 80s hair named deb. and she told funny stories and was so companionable, and i do love her new album... but she did so many lovely old gems! ricochet in time, polaroids, tennessee, and round of blues! i joked to ch, "oh no! she doesn't have a bass player!" and he said, i think buddy miller will take care of it. cause, the joke is a misconstrued lyric. the chorus is "so whereever you go, you better take care of me" and we think it sounds like, "so wherever you go, you better take sara lee" which when i first heard the album in 6th grade we thought was a funny snack cake pun, but makes even MORE sence if you think of the bass player. like, as long has you have sara lee or julie wolf, you're good to go. anyway, three of my fave songs from fat city, the first shawn album i'd ever heard, which mom bought right before the divorce, when i was still going to middle school in reading. and that summer after the divorce, she heard her down on penn's landing in philly, and i was SOOO jelous, because she took some dumb man cause it was dad's weekend. mom had heard her twice more, but i never had. and i was sure that i'd missed my chance to love her- i never really liked a few small repairs, and fat city was such a peak for me- it's like how i don't really wanna hear ani now, beacause i haven't liked a single song she's recorded this century. (ok, maybe ONE.) but shawn's new album is awsome, in the song summer dress she rhymes "boys on bikes" with "baby dykes" and she played not one, not two, but THREE songs from fat city, and one from her first album, and whatever, i am in love.

and it is way past my bedtime! i promise to be better about updating in the future!!


the rest of the story

sorry so much life keeps happening between posts. so all depressed thursday, and i get a "we need to talk" text from d. worried about it all day, and of course that night was one of the classic scedule three things at once screw ups. i know i'm not getting enough sleep when:
1. i can't keep my planner or my life straight and schedule multiple things at once.
2. i get depressed, lonely, sorry for myself, overwhelmed
3. i say inappropriate things to or about my friends to make them unhappy with me.

so anyway, thursday night ch was supposed to come over for dinner and some mending. and d got a babysitter so we could go see shortbus. and the bag lady was finally supposed to swap bags with me. so d came over to wait for the bag lady with me, then we went to our "place" in my neighborhood for sushi and serious discussion. basically, she'd read the blog from wednesday night and was feeling, probably rightfully, hurt. it was all ok, i apologized, but i still ended up feeling like shit. not that she made me feel this way- she was beyond kind to me- it was definately self hating going on.

but then yesterday i worked in the spectacle space with christopher, and he helped me work out of it. i guess talking it through to a place of peace is something he has to do alot with his boyfriend, so he's got practice. d texted me that morning saying i should take my stuff with me to go right there after work, which was sort of overwhelming- that feeling of when am i going to see my cat again? but jr wanted me to go with to see flushed away, and d had a meeting on the southside this morning, so she could drop me off in hyde park for the hyde park anniversary shape note sing.

but after a day with christopher, i was feeling, good, an ok, i can do this, and not only CAN i, i WANT to, sort of feeling. christopher finally gave me the thank you gift he's been saving. a tassle. the worlds largest tassle. a tassle so large it has tassles. picture forthcomming. and he told me i didn't have to come in on saturday, so i could sing all day. so i headed off cheerfully to d's house, where my cheerfulness slowly dispersed, along with my body heat, over the 35 min. i waited for the bus. i was 2 minutes short of just going back down into the subway to get the train home when the bus called. i met d and jr at our "place" in her neighborhood for tacos. d had to stop at the bank before the movie, and while she was in there jr promply fell asleep. i really didn't want to see the movie, so i persuaded d just to take us back home. horray! into bed early.

which was a great plan except for the part where if jr goes to bed at 7:45, it means he'll wake up at 5:45....

but d didn't have her meeting, so we could spend our post-waking-up hours leasurely. she drove me to hyde park not too late for the singing, and it was lots and lots of fun. my new friends from the northside and familiar faces from the south side were all there. we sang alot out of the missouri harmony, which i found not so much fun, but we sang fun old ones, too. the bass who lead the memorial lesson mentioned vi stark, and i cried. i miss her a lot in the treble section. and i miss the opertunities i never had to get to know her, i'm so sorry i never sent a card or sang in her hospital room, or came to a sing in the year when she was on the memorial list, or knew anything about her besides her favorite tunes until i read her obituary. she was just so quiet and kind, and now she's not here anymore, and i'm not sure what kind of soul connection i feel i had with her that now i miss her so much.

took the cta home of course, and got here quite fast- a little over an hour. mom called, and i chatted with her for a while before heading off to square dancing. i didn't have time or inclination to change into a twirly skirt, so this was my first time dancing in jeans. everyone saw my butch look. when i got there, i was the only person at class level, and there was just one square. it was me and my gay partner, another couple from our club, an african american couple, him with his cowboy boots and her with her great big twirly skirt, and an ancient little old man, and his grey haired wife with a heather grey sweater with white cats on it.

i was very dubious, but it turned out quite nicely- everyone was friendly and kind, and about the same skill level. they were all very nice to marshall and i, who ended up being the two class level dancers there. the caller had a vest, a belt buckle the size of a plate, and crocodile boots. for singing calls he had a record player he played 45s on. halfway through the first tip, he stopped us on the grand square, and said, "on the southside, THIS is how we do it." so we did the southside claps. i made some assumptions about the couples from downstate clubs, with their western wear and flag-shaped name badges- namely about their politics, but i guess they knew that chi-town squares is a gay square dance club, and they were all very nice. and besides there's more of us than there are of them. though a few times the caller did have to say, "men, raise your hands" wich i assume doesn't happen at the sorts of square dances where all the girls are women and wear twirly skirts.

anyway, that's been my weekend so far. i'm feeling much better, and i gotta say it's thanks for all your kind comments. j, thanks for always being there. krista, a cockroach friend is the best kind there is. thank you. liz, i fully accept your hug, i hug lots of strangers at square dancing, and i've spent more time with you than, say, krista, and we live in the same city, so no awkwardness necessary. such a delightful surprise to see you still hanging round here. thanks.

and thanks to all you other lurkers. if i knew who you were, i would thank you too. but i just have some vague inklings, nothing solid, so you don't get the joy of personal thanks.


try again tomorrow

too depressed to blog.

also, am doing that thing where i alienate all my friends again. need to stop this. bad idea, caitlin.

ugh. hate myself.


can we say different?

work today, blah blah blah. stayed up too late last night listening to all that linford and so was tired today. i've just been feeling grumpy and blue lately. i need more sleep. circus class was hard today. we were doing handspring sorts of things and i felt like i was training for something i'd never get to finish. up on the trapeeze everything was sharp and cutting, i couldn't get a good grip- it seemed like i was back at square one. totally frustrated. the unicycle was worse. it's always beyond impossible, but i was staying up for like, 1 second and getting a half revolution. but it shot out from under me and i fell hard on my tailbone. i had the wind knocked out of me, and was pretty sore. they gave me an ice pack and it's feeling better. not as bad as years ago when i did the same thing rollerskating.

things with d continue to be complicated, at least in my head. last night she told me a story that totally upset me- she let a cat have 2 litters of kittens, and the second litter she put outside- in chicago- because she didn't want to deal with them. there are just so many things wrong with that story, i was horrified. do i want to be with someone so irresponsible? if that's how she reacts to kittens, what about non-living things? then today she send me the sappiest e-card, and a supersweet email with a terrible, terrible love poem. the email was so awesome, so true and kind and from the heart, and i know that was the intention with the other things too, but goddess are we different. i don't know if i can handle someone who takes sunsets with birds flying across the sky seriously. i couldn't decide between a sappy card or a bust card to send in return. i guess i need to accept the way she expresses her love, and extract the love i can recieve from it, the same way she needs to put up with my gently mocking responses to her earnest caring.

goddess, i can be such a bitch.