plastic angel

"...everything is broken, everyone is choking on ambivalence..." i actually read plastic angel by nerissa nields last week, did i tell you? it was good, though it's the same plot as this town is wrong. i did tell you. i remember typing how i got teary at the "you'll only need your toothbrush, fifty bucks that velvet shirt that brings you luck" part. anyway.

pearl's dead. she started clicking and now when you turn her on she buzzes and clicks and flashes the sad ipod face. it's bad. so i survived all day yesterday and today without her, and went to the apple store after work but the line was SO long, i left without getting help. i'll have to make an appointment before i go next time.

sunday night was also worried about my new piercings. they'd been doing so well, but they started getting sore again the past week or so. and i thought strange bumps were forming... ew, gross, i know. and then the old piercing, which i took out for the surgery, i wasn't able to get the captive ball back into the ring. and then sunday morning in the shower the ring came out.... so i went to the chicago tatoo and piercing company and that at least went well. rudy, who gave me my new piercings, was the piercer, and he put my CBR back in, said my new piercings look fine, just a little irritated, which is a common reaction to stress. plus, he said i was about ready to change jewelry, so i ordered in the custom piece i've wanted, all along. it'll end up being almost a year since i started this venture- but it will be so cool and totally worth it! not that i can afford it, but hey, v-day is comming up....

but first, about yesterday. basic miserable colaborative seminar, i worked hard on my corset in costume construction 2, but then i had to fit it, which was surprisingly bad for my body image. i'm usually pretty good about body image- i mean i have a pretty cute little bony body, and espcially since it's so small i feel like there's not alot of room for me to complain anyway with our culture drumming it's warped ideas of beauty into our counciousnesses, even if i wanted to. but still- i've spent the last week and a half stitching together these 12 curvy pieces, and voila, i have this victorian hourglass shaped corset. so i put it on, and tom safety pins it up to fit me, and i take in half of those 10 seams, and suddenly all of my curvy shapes are practially rectangles. it bummed me out.

so after that was fiction writing. there was alot of time spent on in class writing, and i don't know how it really happened, but i ended up writing about the fire. it's not fiction, really, at all. i may change the point of view, but really, that's it. and then i realized- it's the 30th. it's been exactly 2 years. and that really depressed me- i like to feel i have some kind of control over my subconsious. i remember all the post-traumatic-stress-disorder stuff that was happening last year this time. so far, none of those panic attacks and stuff have happened this year, but we'll see. it just makes me angry and scared- i'm supposed to be stronger than this, i don't like that i can be so upset, and i wanna know when i'll get over it. how many years am i going to need to process this?

then my fourth class of the day was figure drawing. we drew skeletons, and you know what? i'm not half bad at this shit. it was all big (18x24! my god! i paint on a 4x6 block!) and it was THERE, you know? i didn't have to set it up or make it up. how hard is it to draw what you see? and then we turned our easels around, and there i was, solidly in the middle of the class, skill level wise. about half of them were better than me, about half of them worse. DAMN frances. damn her for mindfucking me. i CAN draw. here, i took a picture of my verabrae just to show you:

i talked with l last night and it was so good. it felt like october again, and i've missed it. i'm so excited to live vicariously through her the next few months- she's got some really fabulous shit going down. pity she doesn't blog anymore so the rest of you will never know.

and then there was work today. i ordered balloons, office supplies, ch was paying bills with the credit card... it's panic time. january's a slow month, so we have no money, and it feels like this huge leap of faith to have this SHITLOAD of roses ordered. and we look at the pricing, and it's like, damn. no one's gonna pay that much for a dozen roses. that was our entire day end last tuesday. so pray, all of you who do. pray for customers for us. those of you who don't, well, come out and temp. we'd love to have you.

so what ARE we doing at the flowershop to prepare? well, here's today's floral lesson.
here is an echivaria:

and here is an echivaria made our of fritos:

'nuff said.


fiction writing

i called justine today for some research on my latest story for fiction writing. she said i should post my assignments. so here's the first one, if you're interested.

farm girl story, 31 jan 06

what kate's afraid of, 6 feb 06
i can post more, if anyone cares.


i look like belmont

ok, so where did we leave our heroine? i was going to bed thursday night. had a lovely chat with l, and had just hunkered down with my newest lesbian pulp fiction, the girls in 3-B. first published in 1959, and it's fabulous. i mean, they're always good, but this one in particular ROCKS MY WORLD because it takes place in chicago. the girls arrive by train of course, into union station and they imerge from underground and cross the bridge over the river- just like l when she came to visit me! another scene has one walking under the el tracks on wabash, turning on jackson and walking over to the walgreens at state and jackson for a sandwich and a cup of coffee- and though they don't have a counter anymore, there's still a walgreens there! barby has a job at marshal fields- it's obvious, though not mentioned by name. and the best part is the apartment 3-b is in hyde park! they take the IC to 53rd street, just like when i rode the metra!

but though i love it, i'm getting distracted from the real story. cause i didn't read long, i went right to bed, but the bass from upstairs, it was a-pounding. now i am very glad the guy with the cement shoes moved out and i don't have to hear him clomping across the ceiling all night long, but this was way too late, completely unacceptable. so i put my glasses back on and threw a flannel over my undershirt and penguinl petticoat, and stomped upstairs to meet hannah in 3W.

i banged and she opened the door. her boyfriend was behind her on the couch, turning down the music, but it was all blurry cause i was focused on her, because she is the hottest thing in the entire zip code. she's much taller than me, probably average height, she has a spiky black pixie cut with a red bandana in it, and a long thin nose, and very red lipstick which she was getting on her cigarette. she was wearing a black and white striped shirt and kept waving the smoke out of the way, and it bounced off the mirror in the vestabule, because of course she has the same apartment as me. i was all flustered, and was charming instead of angry. we introduced ourselves, she apologized for her loud music, i said if you could just turn down the bass, and we parted with nice to meet yous and apologies.

but what i really want to tell you about is friday. i started typing, but then wanted to add pictures, and flickr crashed this page and the above was all i was able to recover. thank goddess for "post wiederherstellen." i just wish it saved more. why does roatating pics on flickr, and opening pixie or fraulein n's blogs crash safari every time? i hate the idea that aol is the better browser on my computer! but back to waking up early again and getting stitches removed- again- at the oral surgeons. he says he has a question for me and i'm expecting something like, i saw you're a florist, how can i get my wife flowers for valentines day? but no. he says, "i don't want you to feel embarassed, but a collegue of mine here in the building does electrolysis..." i'm like, oh my goddess, it's grandma all over again. get me out of here as fast as i can! i am so glad i never ever have to see this guy again! all i say outloud is "um, it's not really my style." - but i say it very confidently, i think. what i wanted to say was, "um, my girlfriend LIKES my mustache." and since i'll never see him again, i should have. i told ch when i got to work, and he also thought the situation was horrid and my comeback was FABULOUS. so i feel sad i never used it.

so friday night activities. see, here's the deal with ch's party. he's been kinda stalking this really hot guy (brian) on friendster. and brian invited him to this great big party he's throwing for his flatmate gus's birthday. so ch was gonna take me but then michael called to invite ch on a date friday night. and ch said he was going to this party, and it turns out michael is real live friends with brian, not just cyber-aquaintances, so ch decided to go with him instead. so i decided it was my big last friday of the month chance to go to cinema lesbiana at the gerber hart. so i scrambled up some tofu (with onion and garlic and pepper and corn and spinach and cumin and chili powder- yum! so sad i had no black beans, though.) and was getting ready to go when ch called and said michael had the flu. he was wondering if he should go or not since he didn't know anyone, and i said absolutely, and so he asked me with again, and we made plans for after the movie.

i really don't wanna type about my cinema lesbiana experience. it was too painful. i was so awkward and uncomfortable. i was the youngest by about 10 years, and definately the hippest. stacy's always bitching about all the lesbians now being old and ugly, and well... i felt for her. the vibe was so wierd. it reminded me of church shopping, like this was my new sunday school class. i certainly didn't fit in, but they kind of have to like me because that's what they do. so they're polite to me, but there's all these other friends who they already know. and there's all these expectations and beliefs and shared vocabulary that they all have, that i don't, and i'm not even sure if i want...

it was not a good thing for my friday night. you know how i get friday nights. i was gonna be ok, i thought, cause i had activities, but this particular activity was NOT good for my sense of self worth. there was a discussion going on after the film- i should have sat near the door! i had to run out, stumbling over couches and folding chairs in the middle of the talking, while everyone looked on. it was awful.

so i took the red line 2 stops and met ch. i was pretty punky. i was really excited to go to a party with him. ch and i do parties really well together, i think. it's so strange to me when i'm depressed, how my interior self retreats farther inside of me, and yet my exterior self is even more extroverted- chatty and personable. perhaps i hate myself so much it makes me more interested in other people? i don't know. anyway- the party was huge- there were at least 100 people there. and they all looked like ch- big, tall, hairy. there were actually people there he'd met at his new online dating obsession, bear411.com. there were a few gangly guys, 5 or 6 other girls (one even brought a straight boy!), but mostly lots of beards and flannel. we got drinks, chatted with each other, and worked our way into the flow of the party. brian is apparently even hotter in real life than in digital images. we had the best time. everyone was so nice. (well, there was that really snarky drunk guy. but everyone but him was nice!) we spent most of our time sitting on the back steps, smoking and chatting with whoever was walking by or bumming off ch. some other memorable moments:
-waiting in line for the bathroom, i met james, who was oh, between 6'8" and 7 ft tall. (that's more the 2 meters, btw.) i came up to his elbow. he said to me, you're really tall! and i said to him you're really short! there was one girl wearing flats who was shorter than me, esp. because i had my hair up, but she left early and most people were taller than me if you COUNTED the hair.
-"chatting" with the deaf guys. they were good lip readers, and ch was good at understanding their gutteral speach. i smiled and nodded and made clever comments, but it's so hard to communicate- i definately wished german would have helped. i do know the alphabet, and that got us out of some jams. but this one guy, kept telling me i look like a b-e-l-m something- i could NOT get it. ch finally made the connection- BELMONT! and we laughed so hard. he thought i look like belmont. what a discription.
-jay covering my eyes when drew unbuckled his pants and showed off his prince albert piercing
-and the highlight for me- there was an air hockey table on the enclosed back porch! ch and i played! and i won! i expected him to clobber me, but it was neck and neck. until the end, 9 to 9, i scored my final goal and the croud went wild! i put my heeled boot up on top of the table by the puck and posed for my victory photo. courtesy of ch's camera phone:

conclusion- i was fabulous- they all loved me. they all complemented my tights, or my hair. they told me a red bandana stands for i like fisting. there was nothing better for my mood. ok, the vodka helped too. but they were a little in awe of my femininity. as ch said, "you have a bunch of dads and brothers and uncles there. you were the star of that party!" and i said, "we are superstars!"

pre-homework post

i don't have time to tell you my wild friday stories yet. but i will soon. i'll tell you all about the offensive oral surgeon's rude question, my snappy comeback thought up unfortunately too late, the lame women at cinema lesbiana or the kind, kind men at the bear party ch and i went to, knowing no one.

and, as an extra bonus, i will tell you the story of thursday night, when i met HANNAH, my new upstairs neighbor, who is the HOTTEST girl on the planet.

but not right now. right now i need to go shopping for school supplies.


what is parody?

so as you may have guessed, this is another forced entry. apparently parody is supposed to encompass all our thoughts and lives, if not at this point, soon. i don't understand why we're beating the shit out of this before we even start. why can't we try writing the parodies first and then analize what we did? or decide what we did wrong and fix it? god, this is so boring to me. i can't even sit still long enough to write it. i type a sentence, sing along to itunes, type another, get up and see how long the speakerwires are on my speakers (will need to buy more before i connect the stereo to the computer) type another sentence, fold a crane out of candy wrapper....

so anyway, parody is taking the structure of someone elses story and having your own characters and world live there. it's like the muppets doing a christmas carol. it's your own story, but it has the shape of someone elses. not that you're trying to write the story in there voice- it's more like, use your own voice to tell their story. or something like that. it's not that complicated, i don't think. am i being simplistic?

tell me a mitzi

so many things, such strong emotions. first, went to the oral surgeon and had to wait forever, but i didn't really mind because i had a good book. unfortunately, on my way to work was feeling around with my tounge and it sure felt like there were more stitches in there.. ch said i was crazy, with my ghost stitches, but then i got out our mirror and sure enough, he missed some. so i have to wake up extra early AGAIN tomorrow. somebody kill me. it's like pulling teeth.

luckily there was a staples on the ground floor of the building, so i stopped in to buy me a new ream of paper (can you believe i used up a whole ream? i thought single people couldn't possibly use that much paper- or perhaps, i just don't know college students who keep their printers working that long- but that's what fiction writing will do to you) and i thought i'd get the labels for the v-day mailer to surprise ch. i called him on the way to the sears tower, and he laughed and said he'd called earlier to ask if i could pick some up on the way in. it's not like we'd even talked about needing them yesterday. really, we do share the same brain.

so then when i got into work, he asked me if i was still looking for a cat. not his cat, he said. a cute little 7 month old grey spotted kitten- the sweetest cat ever. he said, "the palestinian one-night-stand i had last night is moving to a cat free place, and he needs to find a good home for her, because he really loves her. i said, i know a lesbian who i bet would like her. and you know lesbians and cats. i think lesbians invented cats." so ch talks about me after sex. HE better not during. that would be way too wierd. but anyway, it's looking good for me to be getting the worlds most adorable kitty named mitzi. i told ch about the book we had when we were little, tell me a mitzi. i told him 2 of them. he was charmed.

z had all these crying faces on her away message last night, and when i asked mom about it, she said z's little sister had died in this terrible car accident. it's really just awful. she called me today, sounding very put together like she had a lot to organize, and sent flowers to the services- and she's flying up, too. luckily lovely purple irises are in season- the delta phi epsilon flower, don't you know. it's made me moody, thinking about it- the friends i have far away who are much too alive to die, who i'd take off work to fly to the funeral of, and wondering about ones whom we have no friends in common- imagining one day getting a letter back like brokeback mountain.

so the book i was reading this morning in the waiting room was girls in pants, the third ann brashares book. and i was thinking of jamie on my commute home today, because i was crying pretty steadily on the train. i have no remorse. i am not ashamed to read them in public. they are not cheezy. they are charming. so there. i have no food in the house, or nothing that i both can and want to eat, so i ordered from blue elephant. and that way i could finish it right away.

so now i've mopped up and am typing to you, with my turreen of lime jello in front of me. doctor says no nuts or nachos for 6 more weeks, and gave me a "squirt gun" to clean my holes out with. someday i will tell you the story of bethany and ruth during bvs training. maybe tomorrow. and i know, there's still that meme of kiras. but not right now. right now i have to pay these bills. xmas gifts come due. thank goodness i worked that party.

fear of parody

so, we have to do this parody of one of three great short stories of literature for fiction writing class. (gobol's the nose, kafka's in the penal colony and melvil's bartleby, if you were wondering) and fiction writing 2 has the WORST rap because of it! i don't get it. i mean, i haven't written my parody yet, but i guess i'm a little afraid, because there's all this horror about it. it taking up the whole semester, so many people being blocked on it, it being not fun or creative, just an exercise to get through. but what if it's not? i can't imagine it being that awful. i don't get it. i mean, i haven't done it yet, but how is it different than any other assignment? there are always guidlines we're supposed to write from- i have a hard time without a specific story, however the class helps me come up with it. i guess this is a bit more strict, but i don't think it will be any worse than any other assignment, i don't know why my classmates can't get over themselves. i will let you know if i'm all wrong and it's actually as bad as they all say.


nother long day

way to tired to write. ceramics was fun. get my stitiches out tomorrow. what does a girl have to do to get a comment around here?


the drag queens' mothers are dropping like flies

ok, so how many people have jobs where they can say this? it's sad really. they're all dying or going into the hospital. we feel sorry for all the drag queens- we make pretty flower arrangements for their mothers. but come on. when you don't think about there being actual people invoived, don't you think it's a hilarious statement?

i am so not ready to go to 12.5 hrs of classes again tomorrow. i'd rather work at the flowershop. i ran the address list for postcards and cleaned it up today. and ch started organizing the back of the shop. i copied our checklist and assigned tasks. i called the people who manage our website and got our v-day pricing up. i wish i could be likewise industrious in my own life.

came home, made dinner from a box (but i made rice to go with it!) ate and read the newspaper. spent 15min trying to rinse the rice out of the holes in my mouth. stitches come out morning after tomorrow! horray! wasted an hour online. need to move on with my life. was supposed to read hamlet for class tomorrow. yeah right. i have EXACTLY 4 hrs of free time between class monday and class wednesday. it takes more than 4 hrs to read hamlet. it's not happening.

still not talking to l very much but feeling ok about it because she's so happy when i do. a's a mess- sleeping with mean boys and violating her body as a temple to the goddess. she was crazy on the phone. i wish she'd get chinese and cranberry juice and go home and read her library books in bed. then go to planned parenthood and make sure she's just bruised. she said she'd been ADD all day, but that didn't seem to me to be a very good discriptor for her selfhatred and unfocusedness and malformed cognitions and selfdistructive tendancies. i think most of these will be fixed by eating and sleeping, but still, i worry.

omg. am iming with z and she's talking about places she wants to move. she mentions alaska but says she'd miss the sun. then she says she might turn into Britta. i'd completely forgotten about james michner's the drifters. i'd definately forgotten that z'd read it. it was such a delightful bonding experience, like seeing a painting you love in a museum in a foreign country, or hearing a song you know all the words to in a really hip place where you feel uncool. that moment of being adaquately cultured, or of at least finding a friend- i may not live for those moments, but i LEARN from them. i learn for skils to help me create and / or express myself, and i learn to find friendly faces in culture. am i making any sense at all? i swear it's been days since i took a vicadin.



so now that i've eaten my mac and cheese i can add a few more interesting things about my day.
mom tmed me to make sure i took my pills at lunchtime. ch says she should set up a reminder service like the flylady.
i think i'm too tired to do my dishes- don't you agree? but perhaps i could PRETEND i have enough energy to do some of them, and i can just see what happens.
did i mention i read plastic angel, nerissa nields's book today? pretty good, though the plot is pretty dead on this town is wrong. i still cryed at the "you only need your toothbrush, fifty bucks, that velvet shirt that brings you luck" part.
also, i was gonna wear jeans and a t shirt to school today, but then i thought i wanted to make a good first impression and i thought if i dressed the part, perhaps i'd feel more alive awake and enthusiastic. and i think it did work, to a small extent. wore my purple velvet suitjacket from last new years, my blue collared shirt and tie, and a plum cordoroy skirt- i was VERY studious looking.

as you can tell by the picture, i'm still puffy.
and yes, i know, there's still that meme kira's taged me with, but i've already done 2 entries today. i can save that for the future, when i'm bored and my life's less exciting. yeah right. i would love to be bored someday.

too tired to blog

oatmeal and yogurt for breakfast.
made it through all my classes today-

colaborative seminar (the frances and cromer show) is going to be as horrible as i've been told, as i've feared. worst part- not only is it taught by frances and cromer, it's filled with other students i don't like.

costume construction 2- is going to be as fabulous as planned- though SO MUCH WORK! which, granted, i am asking for. am making a promenade gown from harper's bazzar 1869. hoop skirt, bum pad and corset due feb. 15th. dress due week before secretaries day. sigh.

ate gallons of split pea soup.

fiction writing 2 will be more of the same. the professor is cute and funky, skinny with a thin nose, in her late 40s with dangly earings and a sparkly green cardigan. it made me whistful. however, 1.30 - 5.30 is a bad time for me to be listening to reading aloud. i was all antsy and sleepy. i hope i can make it through.

ate gallons of cauliflower cheese soup.

figure drawing was a bit of a surprise. first the professor wasn't what i was expecting. all my art teachers (with the exception of jackie, of course) have been bitchy women, and even including jackie, real sticklers and perfectionists. but the figure drawing professor is a youngish african-american guy, real laid back without a god complex, he says. i don't think he's going to be real hardnosed about pagecount in sketchbook (which may be a bad thing) and i think he'll be easy to learn from, although i won't really be able to tell until he's sitting behind a drawing pad. i want to drop it, but while reading the sylabus, i was thinking how nice it would be to have someone make me produce again. i hate drawing so much it amazes me when i'm able to acomplish anything, and i feel really proud of my 2d work. i talked to mom on the way home, and she feels really strongly i take it, i think so frances can't give me any crap, so it looks like this is character i'm gonna be getting. whatever, it's good for me.

and it got out 2.5 hrs early tonight, cause no one had sketchbooks or pencils yet!! which is a good thing, because i am exhausted and hungry. if you'll excuse me, i just made a box of whole wheat mac and cheese that needs to be eaten.


same old

more eating, more warm compresses on swelling, more pills. more knitting and watching movies. i haven't left the house since thursday, you'd think i'd be stir crazy- but no, i'd be content to lay around for at least another week. it's crazy. chewed my first thing today- pasta with the vodka sauce from dinner with christopher. went fairly well though i'm still scared of stuff getting stuck in those big holes back there. i will be so sad if lack of proper care during recovery give me more cavities in my molars. i can't believe how much money is poured into my mouth.
i also can't believe i have 12.5 hrs of class tomorrow- 4 of them. god. i may not make it to figure drawing. i was disinclined to go anyway, but now, i feel really strongly against it. but really, i can't skip any classes. not with v-day and secretaries day both hitting this semester. why are they both on wednesday this year?
talked to l today, finally- she was all invigorated from her day off, it was delightful to talk to her, though i was a bit whiny- though lets face it, i've got a few things going on in my life right now that give me opertunity to whine. but my socks arrived safely and they fit and she likes them, so that makes my heart as warm and fuzzy as her feet.

all alone

so mom's left. i'm all on my own, to feed myself and remember my medicine and make sure i drink enough. i'm much too tired and pitiful for this. i can't believe i have to go to school tomorrow. i went right to bed when she left, called l and a and left messages for them. a called me back after i'd napped a bit, we talked a long time, and she totally cheered me up. i made myself get out of bed, and i took a shower and changed clothes for the first time since the surgery. now i'm heating up some no chicken noodle and making fantastic split pea soup to take for lunch... and dinner tomorrow. i may not make it to my night class- but perhaps i'll be more energetic than i imagine. we'll just have to see. sigh. i just have to eat, then i can go back to bed.



so yesterday was the day of insatiable appetite, today is the day of sleeping. so tired. hurts to yawn. we watched jay and silent bob last night, so stupid. mom's making cauliflower cheeze soup (cream of, of course) for me now. yesterday i couldn't eat enough- black bean dip, butternut squash soup, baked potatoes, pudding, jello, etc etc etc.

as for the face shape update, here's today's photo:

a little bruised, but you can't tell in the photo. it's like sunburn, my pale skin doesn't show anything.


more pain, more pics

today is harder than yesterday- more swelling, more soreness. however one good thing is my phone is finally posting pictures again! so here are the ones you missed. first, the card/camera photo ch sent me when i was first leaving the surgeons yesterday:

isn't he just the sweetest thing ever?
when i was feeling well enough yesterday to type, here's my ice and ace bandage contraption:

but today it's much worse, can you see how swolen my left side is? i have hardly any on my right, but the left side, where they were impacted, was pretty bad. ourch.

finally, another pic from bored ch at work.
did i tell you this story? about ch reading me a movie review, and laughing and saying, i'm so distracted by the huge dildo in the early to bed ad. and i say, well, it's the spikes sticking out of it that really get me. and he laughs and can't read anymore. and i say, can't you disguise it? draw a mustache on it or something? and he laughs even harder and says, no that wouldn't work for me, i'm atracted to facial hair....

so the next time i saw the ad i drew a mustache on it. and then he found it, i guess, and took a picture to cheer me up.

mom's still working on a better chipmunk cheek picture. will post when we get one!


puffy caity

only using the caity because my mom's here and i'm feeling juvinile eating amy's no chicken soup.
surgery went fine, i 'm sore on the impacted side, but the side they came in on doesn't feel to bad.
going under was bad- i felt so faint and claustrophobic with all the monotors and o2 mask and all, but waking up was fun. i felt all goofy and drunk, but not nauseous at all. i kept talking with all the gauze in my mouth, and i felt so tipsy like i was making mom laugh. we took the subway home, no problem- i had mom take a pic of me on the subway to send to ch, but i forgot to save a copy, so sorry- you can't see that one! but there is one after i got home, and wrapped the peas and carrots up as little ice packs:

l- god, did i mention how SWEET l was last night? i felt SO loved and cared for, and she had all sorts of work she brought home withthe prospect of an all nighter. i have a feeling that girl may like me more than i think she does.
anyway, she tmed me right as i woke up, and i was so proud of myself that i could pull myself together enough to reply... well, she said, "how are you feeling" and i replied "drunk"....
z asked about me, and a texted too, and all in all i feel a little sore and puffy, but mostly with it and loved.

and hungry. but i thnk that will be pretty contunual for a few days.


and a quick flower thing

so i came into work hungover this morning, right? and of course the first order i have is for a rediculous product. i try and talk the cutomer out of it, saying we don't have a square container,but i've got a round one- i don't have the grass, it's much wider... well, she takes it anyway.. and then i look for the lilly grass in the cooler and find ch used all of it yesterday. so i end up cutting a stalk off the dracina in the corner to use as the grass. it's crazy. so anyway. here's what it's supposed to look like:
and here's what mine looked like: what do you think? will she call back and complain? aren't camera phones amazing?

the keepers

so let's see, it's been so long.. just like j said- how nice to be missed. still, no one will leave a comment on why the entry about saturday night at amberlee's was called i know what i know? i don't think i did anything else worth mentioning monday night. was all het up, drank tea, went to bed EARLY, l called and woke me, i didn't feel good about our conversation, i mulled, etc. same old story, nothing new here, move along.

after work yesterday i came home and started cooking. didn't hear anything from christopher, but was like, whatever, i'm cooking and eating this anyway. and then at 7 he called and i realized- i'd missed his voicemail saying he'd accidentally deleted my directions. so it was my own fault he wouldn't get here till 8:30- damn him living in pilsen. i didn't wanna put him off again, but i was feeling tired and moody and stupid about not checking my phone when i got home. so i just made cookies- oatmeal -almond- chocolate chip. and he got here and lit up the place. he infused me with his energy and exuberance and the gin he brought. i warmed up my feast (penne with vodka sauce, broccoli with alonds and oranges) and he mixed us drinks, and they were very stiff and conversation flowed. we had such a lovely time talking about school and family and religion and gender and it was marvelous, and he left before 11 to get home in time, and that made it even more perfect. AND he did my dishes, and you KNOW how i feel about that. all on his own, i didn't even give him prompting the way i do with some guests.

it was so delightful, and it made me miss l, and so i called her, which is something i probably shouldn't do when drunk. i texted a after that, and read my book till she called back at midnight. she talked to me for a while, and i was able to fall asleep. i dreamed of working for christopher on spectacle fortuna, covering the bamboo structures of costumes with very strechy fabric.

woke up with a nasty headache at 7.30 when my phone brrrrings with a text- it's from ch- he wants to know if i can open, he partied too hard last night. i said i couldn't get there any earlier, and he asked if he could have a few hours off and i said sure. so since my hangover was milder than his, i opened at 9 and got the orders rolling, and he came in a little later. so really, i was just a little sleepy compared to him- he had a very long day, and even my cookies didn't help much.

but now he'll be working all alone for almost a week. i'm not back at the shop till next tuesday. first day of classes is monday, and i took friday off because tomorrow is the morning of doom. i ate my last meal for dinner tonight. crunchy and spicy- chips and salsa. god will i be glad for it all to be over.


new plans

christopher was supposed to come over for dinner tonight, but he's setting up an aquarium in an old jukebox at david's, and things are apparently not going well. i'm too hungry to wait up late for him, so he's going to come over tomorrow instead. i really don't mind, as i'm very hungry and will be glad to get stuff done tonight. still, i wish i could have gone to the library after work. and i need to go back to the grocery store- i bought jello and pudding and yogurt and soup stuff for my wisdom teeth diet, but i forgot the frozen corn and peas for ice packs, and frozen fruit for slushies.

got my packages together, then talked to l and she reminded me it's martin luther king day today. the post office is closed. was a sucky day at work too, but enough offices were there we had to be open. maybe next year ch will do it by himself and i'll get the day off! seems like i've worked forever, but after wednesday i won't work again till tuesday, so it balances out. i just wish it was for a fun vacation instead!


most offensive ad

ok, so swmnbm has all these real things that people say that offend her on her blog, but i just saw an ad in the newspaper that made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.
it was this ad, which in the newspaper has a nasty pink-dressed-poorly-proportioned doll in it as well.

let's just make a list of the gross words involved- we won't even get into the visuals.
-barbie. alone, she is offensive.
-barbie, live. as if she's not scary enough plastic
-fairytopia. what does barbie know of fairies? and they are feisty and dangerous. certainly not belonging in a utopia sort of place. and please, barbie is not a character who belongs in utopia. and the combonation word just sounds scary and gross. ("i have really bad fairytopia, so my opthimologist said i shouldn't wear contacts.")
-live on stage. as opposed to what? dead? plastic? i guess it's opposed to live on ice.
-barbieTM live in fairytopiaTM. every other word is follwed by the TM.
-broadway in chicago. why should chicago theater do what it's good at, when we can do second rate versions of new york theater? for-profit theaters are just wrong.

ugh. my stomach hurts, i don't think i can blog about this anymore.

i know what i know

so went to amberlee's last night. her networking party, and they were all strangers, film students with dvds to share. i was trying to burn a dvd of every fucking thing that could possibly be considered artistic i'd done, but it took too long, so i was empty handed. i took my ginger mini bunt cakes and lemon custard, and they were appriciated. i decided it wasn't quite a fake eyelash quality party, but i still wore THE red skirt. it was the winter version of l's fave outfit, the same thing i wore to that failed party of g's- high black boots, tiny black t-shirt, big loopy sweater, dreads piled high with the colored dread scrunchie z gave me for xmas- i looked much like the photo of me in the corner there. and i think it was just like g's party- they took one look at this girl who rode the bus into ukranian village by herself, and who was coming to a party where she didn't know anyone, and who was dressed so fabulously, and who brought such fancy handmade food, and they were all too intimidated. i felt pretty awkward, like i was so much older than everyone else, and like they were all part of this club i wasn't. plus, i wasn't feeling confident so i didn't drink much, and amberlee was pretty drunk when i got there, and REALLY drunk when i left, and you know how i feel about people who are drunker than i am. but i left at 11, and i had good connections coming home, so really there's nothing to complain about. jamie, would you please quote paul simon in my comments, so everyone else will know why this entry is titled the way it is?

today, i've done nothing. i showered, ate breakfast, wrote some emails. and now it's 6pm. i really don't know how this happened. it's truly amazing.


friday night, once more

funny how they come around every week. so work was long and tiring today. but joe came in to keep me company. he ended up making all the arrangements for the party. i made him his sample, and he just copied it, 15 times. meanwhile, i had to deal with paperwork, and crazy funeral orders. and plants. fucking plants. and three dozens of white roses going to three different addresses. blech. ch called in, but he's having too much fun in denver. i sent him the picture of the centerpieces to show what a good job joe was doing:

but without ch, you may be wondering, how did i survive my evening? well, i had michelle over for dinner! it seems so new to me. i had a guest for dinner once a week the last summer i was an xian. but my new home, my new life, that's just foriegn to me. ch came over for dinner, once. i've had a few houseguests- amy, laura, jamie & pi... but that's it. oh, and jen brought salad over once. otherwise, i eat alone. it's sad- i love to cook for apreciative people. i need to do it more often. i need to find more friends. something to keep me in chicago when school is up. and michelle doesn't graduate until a year after me! she's going to be in chicago pleanty long enough to be her friend! and just for you, you know who you are, i made lentils with potatoes, spinach and mint. and beets with cranberries. and ginger mini-bunt cakes with lemon custard. here is michelle with her ginger mini bunt cake with lemon custard... and a mug of tea, of course...
so back to the you know who you ares... so one of my friends, say ch, has mocked blogs in general and blogs of his friends specifically. and then, he starts his own blog as a forum for his blog mocking. and now, my blog specifically is the subject of his mocking- among other things, my lists of menus. and it's funny as shit. i am so honored to be mocked, among others in his blog. but i know others are so offended by it-they don't want him reading their blogs anymore. i hope i never take my blog that seriously.

the writing of my blog- it keeps me sane. the readers of my blog- they keep me happy. thanks y'all. your comments and encouragment are always apreciated. my life is built up of you. even you who just lurk, but tell me about it. you are just as valuable. i am honored each time you bring up something you know about me that you read here. thank you all, who know me. i never feel more loved then when i feel known.


i can't stop myself

listen, i know right underneath this post are 2 very long ones of varying degrees of interesting-ness. HOWEVER, before you get down to those i have to live you a link to tuesday's dooce, because she fucking rocks my world. sure, i love her cause she's the funniest blogger on the planet, along with being an exmormon and having a cute baby. but she has the BEST desriptor of psyc drugs: "Prozac is working so well for me that I don’t want to go poking around in something that is delicate to the touch and will most likely explode when poked." oh, it's so true! that's why i can't afford at this point in my life to fool around with them! and when i see the horrors nan goes through, with people poking her from all angles, trying to stop her oozing. ugh.

also, how can i not quote this? what not depressed is like: "Besides, I don’t feel hopeless right now, and for anyone who hasn’t ever felt that deep, lonely ache of complete hopelessness, not feeling it feels like a present of chocolate orgasms under the Christmas tree with your name on it. That good."

ok, i admit it. i only read the blogs of those who comment on mine. except for dooce. she'll never know i exist, but i'll still always read her.


i'm so pitiful. my cold just keeps getting worse. i wanted to call in sick today, but there's just me. there's no one to call in to. so i went, arranged flowers. it was long and lonely and tiring. in the middle of the day all these things happened at once, my wholesalers calling, ch calling, 3 customers, and z called too. i hate it when it all happens in bunches. z made me feel like such a bad sister. she's there, taking care of mom after her surgery, and i'm just playing with flowers in chicago. and z was telling me moms doctor thinks the bone wasn't healing right because mom did too much with her broken arm- she was driving stick and stuff. and so z was yelling at me, telling me i need to find a way to get mom from the airport. the problem is she comes in just a few hours before my surgery. i guess i could go meet her if her flight is all on time and everything. but if there's a delay i'll be late for my appointment. i don't think i'll be able to find a friend willing to pick her up, they all have to go to this thing called their JOB. and if there is someone who has thursday morning off in my small circle of aquaintances, i don't think i could convince them to wake up early to pick up my mom at the airport. i could have her take a cab.

and i really am a bad daughter. you may think that i'm just being hard on myself because i'm sick and depressed, but here's the truth: i don't WANT to meet my one armed mother at the airport. i'm not allowed to eat or drink anything for 8 hrs before the surgery, and i want to be spending 7 of those 8 hrs sleeping. i don't want to be waking up at 7 to ride public transportation, hungry and scared of my afternoon for 4-5 hrs. can you believe that? my mom bought an airplane ticket to come and take care of me even though she has a broken arm, and i won't even go to the airport for her. at this point i'm too stressed out about it. all i can say is take a cab, or just bring a backpack, or stay home and i'll get ch to close the shop and escort me to the train.

took some of those amazing tylenol cold and flu nightime before i went to bed. sure, when i woke up in the middle of the night i couldn't move, i was so suggish and nauseous, but that doesn't matter, i SLEPT like a rock and my face didn't hurt. however, this morning i was all stuffy again and still tired, and i didn't dare take daytime drugs because i was still feeling a little queazy. a called all chirpy the morning after, which was a lovely spot, esp as she was nicely sypathetic. and l called me back just to let me bitch for a while ("somehow she always turns those tears into smiles") on her way to work. she had so few minutes and let me use all of them to whine, cooing appropriately when i stopped for breath. isn't that nice of her?

now, last night i was also too sick to move, but i took some advils to stop my face from hurting and went to the grocery store. so if i got up that much gumption last night, i should be able to cook and put away my laundry tonight, right? but if michelle's coming over for dinner tomorrow, i wanna try and make my ginger cakes in the mini bundt pan. so i should make lemon custard for on top. which takes 4 egg yolks. so i'd make an omlet with the whites....

i'm too sick and tired to type that adventure. lets just say it's all scrambled together with cheeze on top, now. whatever. it tastes fine. although i had so many gross meditations to share from separating the eggs. really. they come from a chicken's vagina. if i think about dairy at all i get totally creeped out. definately thinking too hard, today. cause thinking takes so little energy. and everythng else takes so much.

meanwhile, ch is having fun in co.

he and stacey have been up to all sorts of trouble, i'm sure.

can you believe she used to be a vegbian? i'm sorry, that hot dog is NASTY.

oh, and one more picture. so many things become surreal when you're sick and just trying to get home. i couldn't deal with the crammed, slow purple line today, so i walked to the subway. i dove through the closing doors to get on my train, so i was much farther back than my usual first car. but the whole car had the same ad, which isn't unusual, but the add was for (keeping the theme here) dairy products... and it was in spanish.

it seemed very very odd to me. also i can't figure out what it says. i know "leche crema yoghurt" is milk cream yogurt, and i think nuestro is our. i thought sabor was clean, but it needs to be a noun not an adjective. and i have no idea for llego. it looks kinda like call to me. who am i kidding- i don't remember any of my high school/ homeless shelter spanish.

anyway, i wouldn't be able to share without the camera phone. thanks, nancy katzen. perhaps that is enough reason for me to pick her up at the airport.


lots o' lyrics

so, we've been trying to listen to madonna's confessions of a dance floor and really, i think the misconstrued title is best. a floor would have more to say than madonna. she was going on and on the other day and ch said,"really madonna, you know it doesn't become more insightful if you repeat it over and over again. it's still a stupid lyric."

that makes me think of other dance music, things that are repeated over and over again, that do become more elaborate with repetition. you know where this is going. what do i do when i'm all alone at the flowershop? same as always, put on everything but the girl and get out the lyrics. they're all speaking to me these days, but i'm not quite ready to share- my mind's too mixed up, i don't know what i'm thinking. i just do the basic "do you get me? do you ever get me?"

so if i'm not doing lyrics for myself, i thought i should pull them for other people. first, for g, i am always singing missing:
"I step off the train, I'm walking down your street again, and past your door, but you don't live there anymore. It's years since you've been there. Now you've disappeared somewhere like outer space, you've found some better place, and I miss you- like the deserts miss the rain. Could you be dead? You always were two steps ahead of everyone. We'd walk behind while you would run. I look up at your house, and I can almost hear you shout down to me where I always used to be, and I miss you - like the deserts miss the rain. Back on the train, I ask why did I come again. Can I confess I've been hanging around your old address? And the years have proven to offer nothing since you moved. You're long gone but I can't move on, and I miss you -like the deserts miss the rain."

jen was asking about g the other day, and i really had nothing new to add- i hadn't heard from her in ages. i don't remember what i'd said about joe, but jen gave a really observation that the thing that makes g so strong is that she knows who she is. and really believes it and won't let anyone talk her out of it. and i think this works for her in lots of different ways. it's why she's still a christian, even though she knows all these hippies. and why she's still with joe, even though i (and i'm sure others!) think he's bad news. and why she's not sleeping with him, which most people find just impossible to fathom. it's certainly a quality to be jelous of, i wish i had her confidence i'm as simpering as i feel z thinks i am. but i think if she wasn't so assured in her straightness, she wouldn't still be able to be friends with me. now of course this bums me out cause i'll always be in love with her, but i'm really glad that if she must be straight she can have enough assurance in that that she can still be my friend.

i sent out all these invites to come over and eat sometime, and only michelle has responded- kendal said maybe next week and amberlee invited me to her party on saturday. she said, bring a friend. and i'm like- you don't know my life. there is NO ONE i could take to a school networking party. it made me miss g so much- i still imagine her down in hyde park, since i'm not there anymore. my whole LIFE was there for so long, i can't imagine that i've left it all, and there's no one shouting down to me anymore. like the deserts miss the rain- the camera zooms away from her front porch diagonally, caticorner across the street from the SE corner where she lived to the NW corner where the bus stop is. the rain pours down on her ruby red slipper umbrella, we're both standing under it, 10pm. i'm on my way to the airport to pick up a, i'm holding a boquet of flowers for her, and g is going home. i say, "dame un veso" like the baby daniella used to do, and under the umbrella in the rain at the bus stop, g gives me a kiss on the lips.

so about a. i think the best song for her today is no difference: "You watch the phone Like it was the TV. If you're all alone, Well whose fault can that be? Your keys, your bag, your car - They're where they always are. And the light goes down And all the lights come on And they call to me, Oh come on, come on, And you don't make no difference to me. You look at me, And say "What you talking about?" Well me, I'm going out, With or without. I know I don't get far And we're where we always are. But the light goes down And all the lights come on, And they call to me, Oh come on, come on, And you don't make no difference to me. So you fix a drink, Cause it's time to drown, And the clock speeds up And then it slows right down. The life that we have missed, I think it still exists -How can you resist? But the light goes down And the steetlights shine, And they call to me, You'll be dead a long time And it makes a difference to me. And the light goes down And all the lights come on And they call to me, Oh come on. Come on. You can make a difference to me.Come on, make a difference to me."

she had another one night stand, called me yesterday to whine about it. she was upset when he wanted her information- why bother? they never call. she was trying to decide if she should go up and meet him in vale. "why not?" i asked. she said she was all tired, and hungover. and what happens next? she kept asking. what do you mean? i said. where would i sleep when i got there? she said. wherever you feel like it! i said. she kept saying what a sweet guy he was. i tend to believe that's not possible in straight men, but when she starts talking them up like this, i wish they could find a more loving and romantic girl, 'cause i don't think a is gonna be that for them. it really shocks me. was telling ch the story, saying i don't get it, and he's like, "come on, you should be used to this, you know me, gay men are worse." and i said, "no, i don't think so, even with your flings, there's not the impersonality." and he said, "yeah, it's the coldness that really shocks me. but that's what makes her a- that's why you two get along so well." and i wonder if it's true- that i am so overcome by too much emotion, and she has so little. we balance each other out.

when she called today though, she decided to go someplace else to hear his band play, and she'll hang out with him tonight. she sounded much more human. i told her i wouldn't post about how many times she called me to ask my opinion on what she should wear. it's funny she wants that kept out, but she kept giving me these great quotes about sex with him: she said, "i never had a guy come in my mouth before, but it wasn't so bad, it was actually really sweet.. so he MUST be a sweet guy, if even his cum is sweet!" and my favourite, she was talking about how he said he wanted to go down on her and she said she didn't feel comfortable with it. and i'm like, yeah right, he shouldn't take offense, really there's other things that work better for his trouble. and she laughed, and said she told him at one point, "yeah, sometimes i think i'm bi, but my best friend says i can't be if i don't like getting head."

so we all know that i talk about a WAY more than i should while having sex, but who would have thought she talks about me while having sex? i'm honored. but i mean really. it's gotta be a special sort of friendship, when you tell someone they're allowed to write about your pillow talk, but not when you get girly the day after. and to all those co workers of hers who wonder what that "blaucait" link is in the history... well, i can assure you a is not who you're working with. really. she doesn't really live in co. i made her up entirely. (her stories about me, though? they're all true.)

ok, so enough ebtg, and enough about my friends. this is my blog and you wanna hear about my life! nah. it's lame compared to that. i sit around work and listen to quiet music. ebtg, and the postal service cd i got ch for xmas- he left it here, so i've been spinning it, and damn it's good. here's exactly how i feel about love, it's called clark gable:
"I was waiting for a cross-town train in the london underground when it struck me that I've been waiting since birth to find a love that would look and sound like a movie. so I changed my plans I rented a camera and a van and then I called you. "I need you to pretend that we are in love again." and you agreed to. I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real" and I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd. I greased the lens and framed the shot using a friend as my stand-in. the script it called for rain but it was clear that day so we faked it. the marker snapped and I yelled "quiet on the set" and then called "action!" and I kissed you in a style clark gable would have admired (i thought it classic). I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real" and I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd i know you're wise beyond your years, but do you ever get the fear that your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by."

it's true. i don't believe in love, but i want so badly to. i miss the structure and absolutes of xianity. i know that fairy-tale/movie love isn't real, but i want it to be. so badly. i need to tell myself it is, just to get by.



last night before i went to bed, i:
-washed the bathroom floor
-paid the bills
-packed up the xmas things
-did the dishes
-cleaned off my desk
-wrote a letter to l

this morning, ch called to talk valentines day roses, and got me out of my bed, and then i:
-sorted through my papers and filed
-cleaned and repotted my plants
-cleaned out the fridge (jello from june! hummous from september!)
-took out the trash
-made a grocery list
-did laundry

i want a gold star. i worked hard today. my last day to work... actualy, i have sunday off too. but that's it... then we're in the realm of work, surgery, school... ugh.

ch finalized our valentines day rose order today. we crunched the numbers yesterday, then he did all his calling around barganing with our wholesalers. he kept refiguring the prices, calling me, do you think we should get a lower price than this? what do you think of having grand galas as our reds? should we get the madames? it made me feel important, that my opinion is so valued. and, now's a good time to announce: the holiday is coming!! if you have ANY opertunitly at ALL, COME to chicago! we pay $8 an hour, good music, pizza. we will train you to make lovely rose dozens, or perhaps other useful skills. we're looking for temporary help all day sunday, feb. 12 and in the evening (5-10) monday, feb 13. so if you can come and party, let me know!

and finally, most importantly, i think i've figured out how to post comics on my blog. so if this works, well, y'all are quite lucky. cause this is the comic i wanted to use to illustrate my last gender post:

if it doesn't work, you can see it for yourself here.


It Is Cold Outside So Dress Warmly But What Do You Wear When You're Cold On The Inside? (Aside From The Peacoat Of Despair)

the title lovingly taken from the amazing stereogum post. ch sent me the link, cause dude loves morrissey. and i think the comments are a scream, can't get enough of them. there's no one like morrissey when you're feeling pitiful and sorry for yourself.

i made rosemary mushroom risotto for dinner tonight. i tmed or called everyone i know in chicago whom i haven't seen this weekend. hopefully they will all, at some point, come over for dinner.

have i mentioned yet how much i love take5 bars? go hershey. the best thing since whatchamacallits. please, please, may they not be limited time only.

my fave word to write: bookkeeping. i think this every friday when i fill out the packet for our bookkeeper, and i always forget to blog it. but i am now. because two os, two ks and two es, all in a row... how can anything compete with that? in cursive, especially it is fun, with the kinky ks and the loopy es.

now i'm realy going to clean my bathroom floor. honestly this time. i swear.



you know sometimes when you have a cold, and it's like one symtom a day, first you wake up with a sore throat, then the next day it's gone, but you're stuffy, and then the next day it seems to have all drained into your ears and you're like, "ENOUGH ALREADY! could i just be laid out for a day and get it over with!?!?" i think i'm having that sort of depression. i mean, i'm certainly not feeling well, i'm discontent, i can't get anything done, i mope around the house, read books in bed, drink booze and eat chocolate, ignore my list. but when i'm depressed i feel lonely and sorry for myself, but i haven't been able to sink my heels into that because i keep talking to a on the phone or hanging out with ch. i don't know if this is a remedy, or at least a anesthetic that will make it easier later, or if it's just postponing an explosion of sadness that will be coming soon. i don't know. i just take my flower remedies and hope.

it's sunday. one of these sundays i MUST get my ass to church so i'll have a new story for my grandma. i won't be able to keep this up forever. but i was religious today. i've been listening to my diary july 03 mix, which has a bunch of OLD stuff on it, and it inspired me to listen to jars of clay's first album- still excellent. then i went to ch's to watch maria full of grace. ch called this morning on his way home- i feel like such a movie character, the screen shows me in bed with my book of lesbian pulp fiction
and chocolate wrappers.

and my cell rings, and then we cut to ch, walking home the morning after all giddy with his stories. he was given breakfast and lent movies, and so i invite myself over to watch said movies, and he invites me for dinner, since i cooked last time.

do i get ANYTHING done before going over there? no. i eat breakfast, get dressed, talk to amy, tidy a bit. nothing gets crossed off my list. so i go back over to ch's, we watch maria full of grace, and he makes me a beautiful feast. first is salad, spring greens and tomatoes topped with green beans sauteed in lots of garlic. then is cream of turnip and potato soup, and little grilled sandwiches made out of fancy flatbread, with zuchini and tomatoes and 2 kinds of melted cheese. on johnny b's fancy williams-sonoma-ware, it looked just out of a magazine, and tasted even better. i joked about taking a picture, but now i'm really sorry i didn't, cause now i want to show it to all of you.

we both thought maria full of grace would be an agonizing downer, so we were both pleasantly surprised. i mean, it still was awfully painful to watch, but as ch said, it was well made, ended with a bit of hope, and a new julieta venegas song, so what more could you ask for?

i may love julieta venegas more than erin mckeown. just so you know. has anyone SEEN that fur coat in the "hoy no quiero" video?

anyway, i didn't wanna go home, so we ended up watching the upside of anger, too. which was agonizing in a totally different way, and perhaps an even better movie. it was good to laugh. and no one could possibly talk about the upside of anger without mentoining l. which i am doing now, then signing off, because she is texting me!



what? i don't have an entry titled worry already? this amazes me. i blog being worried alot, i fear. so woke up late today and jen had already called. i took a shower and was getting dressed when she was ready to meet me, so i headed off to women and children first. she was able to find good stuff there, which made me so happy we didn't have to go to borders. i was so sad they were already sold out of we'moon planners. i really need one, though, so i bought one called happiness, though it's name sounds dorky it had the best art. now i just need a wall calandar...

so then we went to kopi and it was packed. there was no way we were getting a table on the floor by the windows, i was amazed we got a table at all. but i hadn't eaten breakfast, so i had to eat. from there we went to the sally's beauty supply by her house and jen bought some turqoise hair dye. then we went back to her house and prepared to dye. i bleached a bunch of chunks in her hair, then there was still bleach left, so she bleached 4 more of my dreads. the turqoise was terrible- l and i had better results with the kool-aid. i dyed my 4 new ones with it as well, and it was just as bad on my hair. i'd brought my dye along, so we put some of my purple on jen's streaks, and that was a big improvement.

by this time i just wanted to go home- i'd spent too much time in a small space with jen, some people you can do that with, but i feel jen and i just don't have that kind of relationship, to be touching each others heads so much. but i'd already committed to dinner with pam and mike. and it was fine- we went out for mexican, so the big pitcher of sangria helped. pam is a lot of fun too. i just don't get mike. i'm sure he's not really a pretentious prick, i think it's just that he's a straight man. anyway, talking to him tends to irritate me after a while. really, i need to be less stuck up and judgemental. no wonder i don't have any friends in the city.

so now i'm home with this whole list of things to do and my weekend half over. i wish l was done with work so i could talk to her re: the last post, cause i'm still worried about how much i fucked that up. i wish ch wasn't leaving on wednesday and i didn't have to do this party without him next weekend. i wish i had enough energy to clean my bathroom floor or tidy up my studio or even fix my record player. i'm wearing g's pants today. they're much too tight. i'm putting on my pjs and going to bed. i've had enough of this.


does anyone else ever read their posts before they post them? i rarely do, and usally i should. sometimes i read them after they've been posted, but it's usally only glaring spelling mistakes that make me go back.

but i've been severely misinterpreted in my last post- the one about ch's friends? so if you read it and think l is as clueless as z about gender, read it again now that i've put more pronouns in. because l is fabulous and her gender theory is handed down from the goddess herself, and anyone who's ideas of gender are still int he dark ages of dichotomy after talking to her obviously wasn't paying enough attenion.


ch shewed me a good time. now it's one thirty, and i need to finish my water before i go to bed. so i think it's the perfect time to upload pictures.
here's ch and his wine:

here's the beautiful drinks leah made us all on new years (great colors, huh?

and the last one has a bit of a story with it. so the travel agent who ch is sleeping with also has a foot fetish. and so he says things to ch like, "send me a photo of your feet" ch was mocking him to me, so i obliged.

as ch said, it's a little wierd, but also convinient. like, he can go to the beach and be all lewd and no one even blinks. i mean, if i stare at girls hooters, heck, i even make little comments about what great ones z has, and it freaks people out. feet, while perhaps creeping out your partner more, are easy to stare at in public- or even complement. maybe i should focus on a more banal body part.


the adventures of ch

we've both been in pissy moods today. inventory, etc. i couldn't sleep at all last night, worrying about l. i think the entire floor got mopped today- first ch knocked over a bucket of leatherleaf, then i knocked over a vase of baby's breath, then ch knocked over the purple snapdragons. ugh. but we put in prom, and that really rocked out the end of the day. i feel so passionately about prom. it was definately one of the best albums of the year. did it even rate xpn's top 50? i don't remember. but it's a scandal if it didn't. ch and i did a bit of analysis on it too, i sang along and he read me lyrics. usally i'm all about put it out for good changing my h.s. experience, but today i talked about sober girl and seneca hills bible camp and conference. ch doesn't think i would have gotten it if it was put out in 1995 instead of 2005, but i don't know. leah knew i was a baby dyke then. but ch is probably right- i wouldn't have gotten it, understood it, felt unity with it when i was 15.

so i didn't get laid over xmas break, but ch sure did. we won't go into the friend who's been waiting for such a long time, because the 2 other stories i think are better- one funny and one i can riff on. the important info for this story is that ch's email addess is something like fluffyandch@server.com. so ch met this guy on craigslist and he's YOUNG- 21 i think. they'd chatted before, but the guy was very polite. over christmas, their talking again, and the guy finally says, "so, do you and your partner ever fool around with another person?" and ch is like What? i'm single? and the guy goes, wait- who's fluffy? and ch is like, MY CAT! now ch's cat does have an odd name, but still... i think it's a hillarious story.

the other guy is the argintinian hairdresser, whose pheremones have attracted ch forever, but really- he means trouble. (our delivery driver caught them kissing in the back of the shop this week- oops!) so the argintinian hairdresser is getting straight married next weekend. ch is invited to the party , but only if he brings me as his date, cause he's worried about it looking too gay. i laughed and said i'd wear my new suit and tie. ch is like, you wouldn't dare!

but i don't think it would matter if i did- i'm still very girly, regardless of how i dress up. i did even more thinking about what is gender in my cute little schoolboy outfit. cause i felt really awkward- it seemed like everything about me, the way i moved and my mannerisms, they just were so feminine, they didn't match- but it was more a general feeling of ill ease, not specific traits i noticed. i don't know if it would be more observable in someone else, i just couldn't be specific in my own body, or what. or if i was just feeling self concious and thought there should be more that makes someone masculine than a tie. l was talking about talking about gender the other night, which i love, because she loves to talk about gender so much, and she was whining about the butch and femme stereotype that some of the people she knows still hold up as laws. it makes me upset, cause i think that if you're totally clueless or don't know the difference between sex and gender or whatever like z is, dicotomous catagories is understandable thought. but you would think someone like dykes who she knows, who had strong opinions about gender roles in the lesbian community had thought about it a little bit more before stuffing people into boxes. but then, i really don't know, either. one of the questions on my gender and culture final was if you think gender is two mutually exclusive catagories or a continuum. and i answered that i think traits can be either masculine or feminine, but the combination of those traits is different for each person which places them somewhere on the continuum- no one has absolutely completely feminine or masculine traits.

so those are my thoughts from behind the tie. now i'm going over to ch's, where my friday night loneliess will yet again be staved off by movie (jesus of montreal) chocolate (ruth's liebkuchen) and booze (wine).


15 minute bits of time

didn't get up until noon today. hopfully am caught up on sleep, now. had so much to do, though! i started setting my kitchen timer, in true flylady fashion. i got:
the dishes done
the newspapers recycled
the trash taken out
the kitchen cleaned
the floor scrubbed
the bathroom clean (minus the floor- i ran out of time)

so i think that's acomplishing alot, don't you?
then came my appointment with the oral surgeon. i'm going to need to have all 4 taken out. so much pain, so much money, so much planning. i was luckily able to sqeeze it in between ch's vacation and the start of my semester. still. it sucks all around. hopefully my mom will come and take me home, cause no way am i having it done under local anesthesia, and they won't let me leave alone. but ch said he'd come with, so i can try and switch my appointment time to sometime he can be with me. what a fabulous boss. l said she'd like to come take care of me afterwards, but as mom said, "i'm sure she'd like to. it's hard enough for me with all of my job security. it'll be impossible for someone so young and with all that on her plate. it's a nice thought though."

but my texmex lasgania is done and cooling, and ch is calling so i'll type more later!



long boring day at work today, blah blah blah. we're doing inventory, which everyone hates, but i'm less easily distracted than ch, so i end up doing more of it. blech.

went to see a film jen worked on after work today. boring, but short. the film i mean. not the trip to see it and back.

ch told me i had a new reader, and though he's anonymous, i'm guessing it's joe since he corrected my german spelling, mocked my vegetarianism and recomended gay books. but hey, i'm just glad someone looked at my booklist. makes me more inclined to update it, which you probably haven't noticed i haven't done in months. not that i read books anymore. i just knit.

went grocery shopping today, too. almost bought a box of clementines, cause they reminded me of leah telling l, "you are like clementines to me, because you're in my life for such short periods of time throughout the year, it makes me really love and appreciate you when you are here." and then i added, "and because she's darling."


out of time

i'm unpacked, my bathroom plant is de-mealybug-ed. talked to l, made dinner, went to work. what more could you ask for?


the extended version of new years

i was so good at blogging in philly, then, well, too many parties started happening! thank you all for the comments, though, you've been wonderful. a, yours was especially uplifting- i read it aloud to rachel when i got it. kira, the fabulous cheesesteak place, which serves excellent meat, vegetarian, and vegan cheesesteaks as well as other sandwiches is... of course i don't remember the name of it. about 8 or 9 letters, starts with g, an italian sounding name.... BUT i can tell you exactly where it is: on 6th st, between south and lombard, on the east side of the street.

so anyway, after cheesesteaks on new years eve, we cooked up all sorts of fun food- ziti and spinach and roasted brusselssprouts, oh my! i got all dressed up, the only one to wear false eyelashes unfortunately, but still, we all looked fabulous in our own way. i finally went to sisters! after all those promises when a lived in media, and i finally made it there! a steep cover, but came with drink tickets for the first hour= bad idea. i was drinking vodka drinks cause i couldn't get fancy stuff for my tickets, and drinking them way too fast. we all had a pretty good time though, dancing upstairs, kissing at midnight. there was this crazy chick STALKING leah. everytime we turned around, there she was again. creepy and funny. heather got out her lighter determined to teach me to light it, leah cheered me on and gave advise, and i finally succeeded. i think being so drunk helped.

when we were getting ready to go i realized i didn't have my coat check... actually, i didn't have my money or my id, either. it was bad, and i was a mess, i knew i was really drunk when such drama couldn't sober me up. everyone was fabulous though, asking the cashier, the coat check, and checking on the dance floor. but leah won, the bartender had it, not just my id but my cash too, praise goddess.

my grandma had called, but i was way too far gone to call her back. did answer when my mom called, and z too, on the way home. z talked to leah, a little odd for all involved. i started to feel really bad at this point, but more than being sick i was disappointed in myself for drinking too much to have fun. everyone was so kind to me. heather talked to me and held back my hair, rachel and leah made up my bed. i wanted to dance with them, but i couldn't really move. a called at midnight her time, and i mostly remember talking to her. leah had gotten out her guitar and a could hear them all singing indigo girls. so she brought in the new year in philly singing galileo with my friends via celluar connection. it was surreal, and not just cause i was so, so drunk.

i was moving very very carefully when i woke up on the 1st, but i actually felt pretty good. we all sat around the living room eating apple jacks and watching the mummers on tv. eventually we went over to the house of the future to trade 3 bottles of bad wine for a trolley token and headed to center city. we elbowed our way onto the bleachers and saw them in real life. i have a picture, but safari crashes every time i try to rotate it. don't worry. it's not a very good picture. it just proves we were there.
it's like some sort of fiction from my childhood coming true. sure, they're gaudy, wierd, and racist, but i still something about the mummers that i love.

"something." yeah right. we know what it is. it's the sequins.

after we got bored of waiting to see the backs of the big sets, we walked all the way to 2nd st to see a movie. we went to a bar and sat next to an old mummer while we were waiting. there was a tv screen showing the mummers, and there was this huge fishtank behind the bar, and it was all very entrancing. we went to see brokeback mountain, while a very good movie, it was very depressing, and we were all quiet and tired on the ride home.

once home all sorts of interesting people stopped by. friends, family, house of the future... all sorts. we did more kareoke revolution (damn you all! i will NEVER get killing me softly out of my head again!) and played a board game. after all the guests had left we did our final bonding activities: group hair washing

and backrubs from heather

and of course, much more drama than i want to get into. i don't even know what all's going on, but i sure know enough to get myself in trouble. this morning i got an email from ruth, and she too was thinking about last new years. she's done so much in the past year= it seems much farther away for her than for me. still i miss her. i wanna hang out with her drunk in her little jazz club:

why do all the people i love live so far away?

happy new year!

welcome to 2006 everybody! and my trip is coming to an end- this is my last night in philly. sisters was fabulous last night. i was way way too drunk last night, and i'm not nearly drunk enough tonight, and i'm not getting into anyone's pants, which is a pity. however, i did manage to make swmnbm nervous and mad at me, without even trying, so that's convienient. sigh. and this will make her feel even worse: we're about to wash each other's hair.

i have pictures, but rachel wants to get the rumor out before we provide proof.