i'm sorry

please forgive me faithful readers. i've totally abandoned you for myspace. it's a terrible time sucker. but i can go into work and tell charles, erin mckeown is my friend. oh, and so is bitch.

ch and i haven't really been getting along recently. i mean it's fine, we've just been chafing more than normal. he doesn't understand why i miss l so much, and i'm sick of him being in the damn pink room. he called last night and asked me to open, then when i sighed, he was mean to me, "oh, poor thing, a whole extra half hour earler!" and i just shut down on him, it was a total l response. i was SOOOO angry- listen buddy, i'm doing you a favor, you don't mock me. my sleep is precious, ok?

and then, when mr pink room called today, ch begged off a half day. he's the boss, what am i supposed to do, say no? it was this amazingly beautiful day here. so at noon i had a customer, and he just left- no do you need to go to the bathroom or buy lunch before i go or anything like that. now who's the one acting like a teenager?

joe, if you dooce me, you die.

it was slow, we certainly didn't both need to be there. i washed buckets and wrote comments in the new timeout chicago. then an order came in from new york going to the opera house- a $125 centerpiece, colorful. it ended up being quite nice, though of course the details photograph so poorly:

after work went to the library and checked out more than just the book for fiction writing class and the one on hold and one to read on the train... and then, in second hand prose, the discarded books.... I WAS A TEENAGE FAIRY!!! yes, franchesca lia block for 50cents!! i was so sad they were getting rid of even one of her books, but so glad to own my own library verson... picked up a few others, too. and if they're bad i can always take them back, and if they're good i can keep them forever.

discarded books. it doesn't get any better than that.

came home, made vegan corn chowder with peas, then grated all this orange cheese on it. because really, what doesn't taste better with cheese?

my pictures came back from york, which is nice, but they fucked up again and didn't post them online. i wrote them a very nasty email. i'll have to take the negatives to walgreens now.

but even worse in my customer service world: l's package still hasn't arrived. i can't believe i didn't photograph the art. and now it's lost in postal purgatory forever. i can't even think about it- it makes my heart hurt. i mean, if i had to choose between l or her luggage or my art not making it to hamtrmck i'd pick the art to get lost every time, but still. where is it? where has it been the past week? grrrrr.

and still, there's work again tomorrow. so i must needs to go to bed. now.



my space is sucking my soul. wasting so much time. arg. but sometimes it's a good idea. see, i was adding friends last night staying up past my bedtime, but it was all worth it because i was up late enough for L to sign online! yes, from oman!!! it was the next morning there, and she was getting ready to go to work. i was so glad to hear she'd gotten there safely.

i wore my hpvineyard skirt again today, lots o complements from the costume shop. gotta love that. tried to print out pictures after work- to no avial. will try to get them onto my ipod, but my goddess, it's complicated to get stuff off that damn computer. i'll never get my portfolio together, never graduate.

trim trim trim today. i put my hoop and my dress on the form and had tom haul it on top of the table, then i pinned my big loopdeloops on it. crazy.

sorry so unfocused- playing scrabble online again with ch. was so ahead- used all my letters the first turn with "applied" but he still beat me. it was close, but one of his last words went both directions and that was it for me.

bought my tickets to cleveland last night. so i'm really going to g'pas 80th b-day party. what was i thinking?
just watch- it'll be the only weekend l can come into town and she'll visit all the other chicagoans and miss me. (nah, i doubt that, i'm just missing her...)

got my poster for the michigan womyn's music festival in the mail today. makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. jill sobule, jane siberry, and the ditty bops are gonna be there. i wonder if i will be? vanessa was asking me about graduation today, and i told her i can't really grasp the concept of graduating. i've been going to school for so long- i'm 25.5 years old, graduation seems like something i don't get at columbia, like cafeterias and sports teams and sororities. but in just 6 weeks, i'm going to be done and figuring out what else i can do to earn money in my life. that's really scary for me, cause i've gotten used to being able to tell ch when i want off rather than asking permission. but real jobs won't let you do that- if i get one, i'll be so glad to have it i won't be able to ask off a whole week in august.

however, i will be so glad not to be mooching anymore. it's been such a long time since i've been able to support myself. i want any checks that come in the mail to be mysterious gifts, not required, demanded payments.

oh fuck, it's the 29th. i need to pay my rent.


work, pizza, art, etc

goddess, tuesdays are hard. i'm just up so late monday nights, i take my waking slow.

i'm so sick of my pepper cassarole. have to cook soemthing different.

but not tonight- tonight jen met me after work and we went to boni vino for pizza. she's going through her list of things that she wants to accomplish before leaving chicago, and one of them is the museum of contemporary art. they're having a exhibit on andy warhol right now which i wanted to see. being a pennsylvanian who loves bright colors and all. ch would prefer warhol's movies to his screenprints, so i was planning on going alone, so i was glad to have company. jen i don't think is a good museum companion for me. she moves too fast, and more importantly has no reaction to my opinions and few opinions of her own. i love how simple warhol is, and i want to read his quotes outloud, but she wasn't so much for reading the cards.

downstairs was another exhibition, "figurative sculpture and abstract painting from chicago collections" and there, finally, i got a reaction from jen. the 4nd to last piece we looked at was a really black shiny enameled canvas with marks scratched in it. she said, "i like it- it's black and shiny" and i'm like FINALLY! but that was all of her opinions. i don't react to every piece, but some i feel quite strongly about, and some i just feel like i know things about them, proud of my art history courses, or i want to know things about them. i'm the kind of girl who likes to read about an exhibit (or a movie for that matter) in time out chicago and the reader before i go see it.

figurative sculpture of course made me miss leah. there were actually a few pieces i really liked- this huge resin baby with creepy eyes, and i giant tower of cardboard shapes with tiny white lumps on it. but i really wanted her interpretation. especially in the calder room- i've always liked the flamingo, perhaps cause it's red, but in general i don't really get him. the moving piece in the sears tower just seems to be a waste of energy and, i don't know, i'm bored by the mobiles. but everybody has their thing, and modern sculpture is not mine.

i did have this great feeling of being all arty though, when entering a new room i saw jen standing in front of this fabulous shiny streaky kinda glowing mess, and i'm like, is that a gerhard richter? i love richter! and i looked at the card, and it was! the thing that i think is coolest about richter though is how he does both abstract paintings:

and impressionistic ones:

which do the john singer sargent thing i love so much of looking photoreal from far away and are just blobby bits close up. he also is into blurry photograpsh and all kinds of bright colored things, and oh, he's german, what's not to like?

i'm sorry about the way i get so carried away when i go to a museum, folks. i bet loading all the images is a total pain. i skim other peoples blogs about tv, so i'm sure most of you feel the same way about art- i guess it's important for me to talk about it, so if i'm there by myself or if i'm with someone who's not really experiencing it like i am, i need some other outlet.

by the way, l's in oman. hopefully. thinking about her all day. unfortunately, calling is no longer an option. but i'm not getting worried. she'll be back in no time, i'm sure.


why i'm a terrible person

because i get this secret joy out of making my little sister uncomfortable by talking too admiringly about her boobs. it's not that easy to make z uncomfortable, but i'm not sure why i like this method so much... or even why i like doing it at all.

in other news, l is currently on a plane somewhere over the atlantic ocean, en route to oman. checked usps website, her package STILL hasn't gotten there. GRRRR. i'm not sure how i can possibly miss her so much already, seing as we just texted a couple of hours ago, and we live in different states regularly... but i do.

classes today, blah blah blah. will update tomorrow.


mexican pepper cassarole

well, not very much time for blogging now, i must take the casarole out of the oven. i do hope it's good after all that work. there are so few recipies in the moosewood cookbook i haven't tried.

but what have i done today , dear?

woke up, read, ate chocolate, etc. did my research online. ate lunch. bought more nose jewelry online. yeah, can we say procrastination?

anyway. went to megabus after seeing an ad on the subway. "$1 fares to detroit!" it proclaims. i went, and couldn't find any catch. there can't REALLY be an express bus leaving chicago 3 times daily going straight to detroit in 5 hrs. for about $3 round trip.

oh, but as far as i can tell it's true. so i checked out what other cities they go to, and would you believe, cleveland? in 7 hrs? so i think i'm going to go to the farm for my grandfather's birthday. he turns 80 the day after easter, and so there's gonna be a party easter weekend, the oregonians are coming and everything. i haven't been to the farm in years and years, not since the 50th anniversary shindig. but i wanna get out of the city, as always. and i feel compelled, since i've been writing about the farm so much it seems, and especially after that dream. i know that however horrible it is, it can't possibly be as bad as that dream.

k, time for me to eat my cassarole.


drunk dial

tine1586: caitlin i have a really important question
Rainheads: ok
tine1586: should i wear my brown belt or go beltless?
tine1586: i'm having a fashion crisis
Rainheads: what else are you wearing?
tine1586: i dont know
tine1586: 2 white shirts and a white puffer vest
tine1586: and jeans that are too big
Rainheads: why would you go beltless if the jeans are too big?
tine1586: youre so right
tine1586: i knew you could help me!!!
Rainheads: hey it's what i go to school for
tine1586: i KNOW--- since you're my oldest (aka wisest) cousin who happens to be going to fashion school, i knew you could help
tine1586: okay remember that one comment you left on my blog a long time ago
tine1586: asking why i never drunk dial you
tine1586: well
tine1586: i'm drunk im-ing you right now

tine1586: okay can i make an embarrassing confession?
tine1586: i just really need to get it out
Rainheads: please
Rainheads: i love embarassing confessions
tine1586: promise not to laugh
tine1586: or tell anyone
tine1586: b/c society frowns upon it
Rainheads: please. societly frowns on about 3/4 of my life
tine1586: i am currently listening to [band name omitted], and this is an every day occurrence. i don't just like [band name omitted], i LOVE them
tine1586: society would hate me if society found out
tine1586: (how did i KNOW you were going to say that)
tine1586: but if you post it in your blog more ppl than ch would know
tine1586: omg, jamie would know!
tine1586: but maybe she likes [band name omitted] too and it would be okay

such sadness

i'm overwhelmed. such a good package for l, and it didn't get there on time. it's almost 8, way too late for the usps to update their website. i've been going to track and confirm every few hours for the past day and a half, but i guess now is when i give up. she will leave monday, and it will arrive mon or tuesday. she'll get it when she comes back. i should be ok with that. i think she'll enjoy it just as much then. still, i've lost all my faith in the post office. i am filled with sadness. my art was given to the post office last wednesday morning, and it hasn't made it the 300 miles to hamtramck 4 days later. who knows where it is now.

i guess i should be cheered up by finishing my hoodie, but i'm not.

anyway, it's not really done. i just realized the one arm is sewn on inside out. probably the one i did drunk last night. so i have to fix that. ugh.

went to the library today and saw a poster that reminded me of ch;

he's always disturbed by the heavy issues in young adult books these days. it's also funny cause z just read weetzie bat cause i told her she had to, and she said she could see why i liked it but prefers more realistic books.

finally, i watched bad education last night, and as always the best thing about almódovar films (besides the wallpaper and other set decoration) is how with subtitles, you can make screenprints of the quotes.

to which she replies, you don't need to learn to be a drag queen, you need to learn to be polite. that's no way to talk to a lady!

but i only took the picture because i thought it was funny at the time. right now i feel more flower of my secret:

won't anyone comment?

more whining, more fashion

what is UP with my mother? she's so clueless. she calls and tells me repeat stories, and then says, oh, i guess nothing interesting has happened this week. well, i think that's all i have to say. i have to go. would she be interested at all in my stories? i mean, sure, there's nothing terribly exciting beyond my mail, but still, it's no less mundane than her life. i transformed my diddl shirt into this fabulous knotted stegasaurusy sack, which i can't even begin to try and photograph because it's all interesting down the back. so instead i can show you the tiny sqare-and-string contraption i've turned my old rainchildren t-shirt into:
unfortunately, very low cut, i have to make sure i bend at the knees if i go out in public. also there's the slight problem of it being 40 degrees out... although it will be perfect for 40 degrees c, when that happens. anyway, i just finished stiching together the underarms of my sweater!!!! i think that makes it pretty officially DONE! all it needs now is buttons, then i can take a picture to post. so i'll do that today, cause i also need a serger needle. but i have to go to the library and the grocery store while i'm on broadway too, so i need to make a grocery list. and i want to drop letters in the mail, so i have to address them. so i want to leave the house, but it will take a while.

and lets face it, blogging has never helped me on that journey.


saturday so far

usually posting pictures will get me some comments, so i thought i'd try again today. i've been asleep most of today- moving so slowly. but i guess that's ok. it's my 25.5 birthday today! i didn't realize, but a called me to wish me a happy birthday. i was totally touched. it's also elliot's actual birthday, so it's a very celebratory day. i was going to make cottage cheese and apple pancakes to celebrate, but my cottage cheese was bad. so i ate the last of the tart and washed my dishes instead. then i finished a pysanky:

so i'm all ready for the egg blower... i melted the wax off with the candle, but i'm still a little afraid it cooked the egg just inside the shell. hopefully it will all be fine.
anyway, after that i FINALLY made jason's easy rider sweater. i'm pleased with it, it matches my memory, but i feel like i need to rent the movie again to make sure it's exactly as i recall. i do hope he likes it. i kept trying it on to make sure the m was centered, the armholes wern't to small etc. it's amazing how clothing can trainsform. i feel like some vintage football player's girlfriend. not my usual style, that's for sure.

oh, and DELICIOUS mail! a postcard from hannah in 3w, saying her life is crazy and maybe we can get together next week! also, confirmation- she had to give her cat to her boyfriend because it was too lonely here. so yes, indeed, she's straight. still, she wants to be my friend! and THEN, i got a letter from ROSIE!! i haven't heard from her in ages, but she got my xmas card. she wrote me the most beautiful letter, these lovely snapshots of her life. i can't wait to reply- it inspires me more than my current short story. so i feel connected. also, am going out tonight with amberlee (i know, i know) and then jen called me so i invited her too. so how can i be lonely when i have connections today with someone cool in chicago, one of my favorite people in the world, and am going out with 2 people in chicago? if only my favorite people lived here. or the cool people hung out with me. i feel like a terrible person, not really liking my friends.


pick a title, any title

sometimes i have a hard time with blog titles, i should write the entry first then go back and title it, because i'm not always sure what's gonna be the feature when i start writing. but if i get any good lines during the day, i'll write them on a little piece of scrap paper and stick them in my pocket (or bag if i don't have pockets) so i can remember. and i have three possible blog titles for today, quotes from the flowershop. the pace was really wierd today- crazy busy in the morning, dead slow in the afternoon, and busy again at about 2 or so. ch spent lots of time on the phone, and so that gives me lots of fodder for blog titles. johnny b's doctor asked him if he was stressed, and ch was like, what did you tell them? jb was like, well yeah i guess and ch said, listen, tell them they can quote me. tell them i say, my roommate is living in a powder keg and giving off sparks, endquote, leotard, interpretive dance. that was the point this evesdropper lost it.

then ch was telling the whole thing to stacey, and she said, i love your faggoty stories.* he told me that that should be today's title.

but then, we were chatting, i forget what about, michael stipe, facial hair, time out chicago, something, and he says, did you see my mustache on the newest dildo? which just makes me think, what kind of place to i work, where that particular line comes up? really, i don't think it happens very often.

ok, and today's phototgraph is from my commute: yes, that's a woman in a bright green scarf reading wicked. i am facinated by the color coordination. how often do my books match my scarf? maybe she has a bunch of scarves and plans it. or maybe she really loves green and eats pistachio ice cream and lime jello and only reads green books the way mine all seem to have pink on the cover. anyway.

was telling my mom about yesterday's art, then l called and told me all sorts of wonderful news. but after we hung up, i just lay in my bed, so tired and hungry and lonely. i want to see l so badly- she's sick, i want to go out there and take care of her, and i get so frustrated how that's just not possible. i have tomorrow off, and i feel like i've already squandered all of my break, and tomorrow's just gonna slip away too. the 21year old was online when i signed on. he ivited me out drinking with his best friend, but it's out in the fucking suburbs and would take me an hour and a half just to get there. instead of saying, "oh, you can spend the night on my floor!" he said, "bummer, the busses out here stop running at 10." so i guess no friendly drinking for me.

i'm doing what i can to combat my downness.
-petting the cat
-took some mustard
-took off my thin hippie parachute pants and put on my tiny velvet sweats, and ruth's big cozy wool sweater.
-i was gonna make cold gingered asparagus and couscous with touches of dill, orange and pistachio. but that's way too much effort. plus, i'm out of ginger. so instead i walked to the taquria and got tacos.
-left a postcard in hannah in 3w's mailbox saying i was free all day tomorrow and in fact all this weekend.i peeked again on the way back from the tacoria so i know she got it.

i think, rather than do more reading, i'm going to watch a movie and knit. the thought of homework overwhelms me, but still, that's what needs to be done this weekend. all these things in my planner, and not a one of them crossed off. i need to start writing on the things i DID do this week so it looks like i've acomplished SOMETHING.

but how can these things be quantified? sure, i didn't get my egg blower yesterday in ukranian village, but i did have a lovely walk. and i found the house the characters in my current short story live in: (current= only in my head, needs to be written out before class on monday) i was imagining soemthing tall and skinny and brick, but my urban landscape was too philadelphian, and my characters definately live in chicago. but this is exactly where they live- in a brick three flat with a garden apartment, and 2 doors outside. i think the 2 doors looks very quintessentially chicago. the other really exciting part about my walk yesterday was seeing the first crocus: "you stopped and pointed and said, that's a crocus, and i said what's a crocus, and you said it's a flower. and i tried to remember, but i said what's a flower? you said, i still love you..." i also saw a robin, but it flew away too fast for me to photograph. crocuses make me so excited because they mean daffodils are comming and that means tulips are comming and that means spring will come, eventually. i know march is too early for spring in chicago, we still have one more month of winter (spring being may and june, with summer being july aug sept, fall october and november, and winter december-april.) but crocuses are the hope of spring, the promise of spring someday coming, whereas before crocuses, it's always winter and never christmas, just like in narnia, forever. only it's worse, because there's also no snow, just wind and bonechilling cold and nasty rain, and lawns that are trash strewn mud patches. march is the ugliest month. it makes me so curious about my photos from last weekend. i hope they turn out. and i really hope york gets their shit together and posts them online. anyway, enough from me.

*speaking of faggoty stories, cory and tom's short "Fairies" was on LOGO last night!! so MY NAME was on TV! isn't that exciting! now i need a favor from all of you. please go onto logo online and vote for fairies as your favorite short- they really need you to, because don't you want to see a feature length version someday? i sure do!


nose in a book

slept in this morning, then went to the post office, mailed off my lovely package to l. i pray to the goddess she'll get it before oman. then off to the costume shop, got my dress ready for the fitting, then made the top of the little boy's sailor suit for tom. ate a long luxurious lunch, not having to be anywhere, reading a's banana rose- it got easier once she got to the midwest, though she was so unhappy. plugged pearl back into my ears, listening to the mix i made for l, so happy that she got it yesterday, and we're listening to the same mix in our very different lives.

i got off at chicago and on a whim called amberlee. i told her i was going to ukranian village, assuming she'd be in Mi for spring break. but no, she was on her way to work, so i took down the address of her bakery. i went to the pysanky store, and though the sign said they'd be open for another hour, the gate was pulled shut and locked. the neon flashed open, and i was very confused. but it was a lovely evening, so i walked the mile or so through ukranian village. her bakery is totally cute- there were these fabulous cakes, doctor seuss and fancy wrapping paper, these mod geometric designs that looked like jamie's embroidery. amberlee was glad to see me and gave me a mug of chamomile tea. i sat in the window and drank my tea and read a's book and listened to amberlee sell cupcakes and her boss do a wedding consultation. it ws totally cozy.

after an hour i took the division st bus to the redline- don't think i've ever ridden it before, - no, maybe to rebecca's house, farther west. anyway. riding on the bus is so wierd and novel and nostalgic to me, now that i live on the north side. i got off at the red line, went under the subway, walked to the end of the platform so i'd be in the first car at granville. the train came, i got a forward facing seat, opened a's book and read. she and her husband are getting a divorce. the train announces chicago. then grand. i continue reading. doors open on the left at lake it says. then washington, then monroe then jackson. JACKSON! what am i doing going south!! i get off at harrison, walk the whole way down the platform and wait for the northbound train, so disoriented. it took me AGES to get home, and i'll have to go back later this week to get what i went out there for. a whole day, wasted.

but i did finish a's book, so now i can go on to the library books i've been stacking up all week. and i should cut apart more t-shirts. it's totally gonna suck having to go back to classes monday. i like this lifestyle way too much.


get your legs done... and get your armpits free!

brandi carlile was on eric and kathy this morning, so we listened to it forever waiting for her. i went to the post office and ch said when i came back i missed the most fabulous commerical for the laser hair removal place. and they're having a sale. "women, get your legs done, and get your armpits free! men, get your back done, and get your eyebrows free!" it sounds awful. i wish i could have heard it myself. but brandi was good enough for me! so slow we redecorated the shop today. took down maps, hung up new posters- it looks nice. he ended up leaving early- neither of us got around to voting until after work today. we both had to find our new polling places in our respective neighborhoods. and we both grabbed readers for the ivi-ipo cheat sheet so we could vote with good concience. neither of us would have been able to put it all together without the the other. we joked about how we were like ani d and andy stochansky. cause, really, she went downhill after he left- that's when she jumped the shark. and his album sucks, too. so ch and caitlin- alone, nothing, together 2 responsible citizens!

took a new way home from work today- take the purple line express to howard and transfer to the red line there, instead. i think it got me home faster- i'll keep trying it. it's novel if nothing else. on the train i was totally inspired to create. when i got home i mixed up my savory leek and mushroom tart, and while it was in the oven i got out the rubber cement and acrylic paint and little stars and glitter and, well, it's too soon to say, but i think this may be nick bancock sorta art. if nothing else i made a mess and have fun. i'll post pics soon, i promise and, well, there's more to the story but i can't tell it yet. in fact, i probably shouldn't have told this much, but i'm just so excited about it, i think it's beautiful...

anyway, did i tell you l got a new camera phone?

and it was just in time, too because she currently has the world's hottest hair. check this out:

don't you wish you could follow her to oman? i know i do.

oh my goddess, and the day's been so long i almost forgot to tell you about my dreams last night! i had this horrible nightmare. i was at the farm, and so was everyone else- it was for like grandpa's birthday or something. it was really awkward, but there was this little bit of fun z and j and i had trying on all these old dresses mom found in the back of the closet. but then grandma was yelling at mom for letting us play with them. she was really grouchy. and then things just went downhill from there. everyone was bugging me about getting to my classes, and i kept telling them i didn't have to because it was spring break, but they thought i was just being a bad student. but things kept getting worse, and something horrible happened to bryce- a gunshot wound, perhaps? anyway, he was all curled up and dying in the blue room. and everyone was rushing in and out panicing, and then j came in and she flipped out. and she started tearing her hair out and scratching herself with her fingernails, these big long gashes that bled everywhere. then she started reatching, and soon she was vomiting blood too. i went out to the kitchen to find my mom, cause i was really scared, and i'm like, you have to do something, j's making herself sick in there. and my mom goes ballistic on me, saying what is your PROBLEM, and she just wails me across the face with the back of her hand. i fall down and hit my head on the island counter. i can feel the teath loose in my mouth as my mom keeps punching and kicking me. i can feel the blood on the back of my head and in my dreads and in my mouth, and finally i black out and that's how i wake up.

ew, right? i didn't think i'd ever fall back asleep after that one. but i did, and had a marvelous one, instead. i'm also with part of the fam, just mom and z i think, and we're on vacation somewhere, but i'm sleeping in the master bedroom of the house i grew up in. it's morning and white and bright and warm in bed, and i'm still feeling a bit bashed around and very very lonely. and i imagine l in bed beside me, imagining the exact shape of her, feeling her bulk, and it's almost like she's there. and then when i roll over she IS there. i'm a little creeped out, and i think i'm dreaming, people don't just apppear by wishing they would. but she did. i told her i didn't think she was real and she started cuddling me. i don't remember exactly what happened after that- i know there was m&ms, sex, breakfast with the family. they weren't surprised to see her at all. crazy.

usually when i carry over dream emotions, it's when someone screws me over in a dream and i'm mad at them in real life. but the magic i felt with l is carried over into real life, this time- i feel like she really came to visit. perhaps she did, pity i was asleep and missed it all.


hmm. what about today?

stayed up way too late tming l last night. really, don't regret a minute of it. and i wouldn't have been able to sleep anyway, cause i've been staying up way too late this weekend. but, but. had to be into work early today, the health club was giving away tulips for the first day of spring, and i had to tie coupons onto them. all morning. crazy customers all day today, it seemed- everything was complicated, more so than usual. i don't know. i don't wanna dooce myself. (not that ch would care, but who knows where customers may be lurking) went to the library after work and checked a stack out of the children's library. see, i'm in a sort of book dilema. a is all in love with natalie goldberg right now, and i was all excited when she sent me one. the problem is it's really not my style. it's a southwest book, they're all hippies living in adobe communes with names like blue and gauguin. her sister, then later her mother fly in from new york, and they don't fit in, and i relate so well to them! it's not agonizing, i'll finish it, and i think there's alot of a in there, so that's good. if there is nothing about a protaganist that makes you sympathize with her, it's good if she reminds you of someone you know. i have a kind of set in my head that all southwest books take place in, because i've never been, besides greyhounding through utah and driving to denver of course. i was trying to remember the last book i'd read in the southwest, and i could remember the smoke lodge, then that it was a lesbian murder mystery in a camp, and more than the plot of the book i could remember where i was reading it- on a greyhound... and it took me some time to figure out where i was going on this greyhound, cause i'm not a big traveler, but i finally realized i was reading it 2 summers ago when i went to visit beth in st. paul.

i've been going crazy with connections that arent really connected these days. today i started one with, "talking about fuck and suck rhyming..." they're always these long, convaluted stories that have you going, "oh, so THAT'S what it has to do with abortion!" at the end. i must be an agonizing friend to talk to. that and i can't stop talking about my johari window (have you done it yet? you should! [also: memo to justin: who are you? you were one of the first people to fill it out, and i can't figure it out. do i know you? perhaps by a different name? i don't think i know a justin...] l, a, i'm talking to you.. but i understand about your work situations. not everyone has home access.) anyway, sorry, all of you. as ch says, yes, get your coffee. sit down, get comfortable. stay awhile. it's going to take me a long time to get to my point.

g called on my way home from work, and that was delightful, as always, to talk with her. she laughed at my rambling stories and loved the new chapters in the serial of hannah in 3w. she told me about her new roommate jamie and her students. i bugged her about designing my tattoo. it was good to connect.

other than that? well, i've got some photos i can show you. first, of course, cat ones. mitzi asleep in the world's most comfy chair sunday afternoon:

and yesterday, after i got back from grocery shopping, climbing inside my backpack = so cute:

and on a more artsy note, my portrait of the model was in the showcase at school! i was so proud. here's a picture of it with my reflection taking the picture. i actually have my sitting conte crayon one in the showcase now. it makes me feel like a real artist. one of the best ones in the class! twice! i really like the conte, and the backs we did the week before last. i think i'm going to take down my janosch tigerente calandar pages and hang up my drawings instead, next to my photographs. it seems to fit, i think. and won't that be fun, having drawings of naked people on my walls for when grandma comes for graduation. anyway.

and if you think that picture is bad, this one is even worse. the cell phone's all about convienience, not quality. (as a side note, did i tell you i took the manual out to the neighborhood sunday? took almost a whole roll of my favourite shops, etc. we'll see how they turn out- the neighborhood was looking very march, so i'm afraid they'll be all trashy dirty dangerous city, but the light was really good, so maybe it'll be sunny community, which was more how i was feeling. still, memo to the goddess: turn up the green, already!) but anyway, the other project this artist-at-large finished up yesterday was my new t-shirt skirt. created from my old hyde park vinyeart t, i'm quite happy with it's perky little ruffle. i couldn't really wear it anymore with "the sky is not the limit, romans 8:38-39" on the back, but i have no problems it seems having it emblazoned across my ass. however, one's own ass is quite difficult to photograph, esp. in my "mood lit" apartment. but whatever. i told you what it says. you don't need to see the serging yourself.

ok, so, that's about it for creation over spring break. (that makes me feel better, to think of it that way. ricky asked, hey it's monday, what are you doing here? today. and i'm like, it's spring break. some girls go to mexico and party on the beach. me, i'm at the sears tower at 8am tying coupons onto tulips.) but i need to stop being so bitter about the colaborative seminar and look on the bright side- NO NIGHT CLASS TONIGHT! which means i can blog to all of you, darling folk! so i'm going to go paint my pysanky now. that'll be the next art project you see posted here.

more industrious

the problem stems from not eating. i eat chocolate in bed while reading my novel for hours on weekend mornings, then i don't get to eat breakfast until 1 or 2. so then i never eat lunch and i'm distracted so i don't make dinner in time, so end up being out of energy and useless for all my daylight hours. i need to start eating lunch at 3 or 4. magically, all my problems will be solved, i will complete all the items on my list every weekend, achieve all sorts of goals and be perfectly happy and content with every aspect of my life.


so did nothing yesterday. talked to a, mom, ch. wasted hours online. got my closet sorta organized, but didn't leave the house. lazy lazy. finally after dinner i got working on my mending. fixed all the sewing issues, finally made the top out of the black velvet skirt remanant. it's got a big silver zipper with an o pull- very sexy. paid my bills, started working on the tshirt skirt but it was almost 2 and i remembered i had all day today to work too. today i've already photographed the neighborhood, went to the cleaners and inquired about a zipper for my coat, got felt for jason's sweater, stopped at the health food store, the grocery store (for bagels) and devon market (for vegetables). also stopped at the thrift store looking for tshirts to cut up, but no dice. and it's only 4! now i need to get back to stitchin, and first i'm going to make some zuchini feta pancakes to keep me going.


blah blah blah

there was no service yesterday, so my lame post never got posted. it was basically: work was boring, so i came home and made soup.

after work today ch and i went to the reception for this art exhibit he has a photo in. we were so hungry, and it was so lame. and cold. and painful. luckily he was mizerable too. it was in rodgers park, so we went to the heartland cafe and ate apetizers. and really talked about art. it was so much better. also, i looked good, a for new lip gloss. all black and red accessories.

have you guessed? i'm all distracted. ch's new guy hugo is all about literati, scrabble on yahoo. i'm playing with them now. they're killing me. i don't know how this works. i can come up with words within the theme, but you don't get points for that. you get points for making words 2 directions at once. sigh.

i need to go to bed. what a wast of time.


instant messaging with the vegan anarchist cousin

EarthCries: i'm finally seeing jasmine this weekend for the first time in forever
Rainheads: really! that rocks!
EarthCries: i do that with a lot of people - go years without seeing them
Rainheads: i do the same. and almost always it turns out quite well.
Rainheads: i've been reading a michelle tea book and her characters remind me of jasmine. tell her i send my greetings.
EarthCries: i will, but i won't tell her that a prostitute's book reminds you of her
Rainheads: hey, i know people who love michelle tea! i just mean wild and brave it a way i find very scary
EarthCries: michelle tea came to my school once
EarthCries: you should totally see when the sex workers art show is coming to chi-town
EarthCries: i saw it one year and it was AWESOME
EarthCries: featured a UU dominatrix from chicago
EarthCries: i was so in love with her
Rainheads: i feel like i read about it in time out chicago- maybe it just got here
EarthCries: GO!
EarthCries: it's a bunch of people i haven't seen, but you should check it out
EarthCries: since the dominatrix lives in your town, maybe she'll be on the chicago stop
EarthCries: she is soooooooo hot
EarthCries: she played the cello
EarthCries: and then when she was done playing the cello, she got up and started dancing with cassinettes on her fingers
EarthCries: and she took off her shirt and had just red sparkly pasties on
EarthCries: and then she lifted up her arms, and my suspicious were confirmed.... she doesn't shave!
EarthCries: best performance ever
Rainheads: i'll try. i've been terribly bad at getting culture these days.
Rainheads: but hot uu dominatrixes who play the cello- i mean, my god, what more could you ask for?

out of it

don't know why i can't seem to participate in life these days. i think it's just cause i haven't been getting enough sleep. have been living in novels- just finished michelle tea's rose of no man's land. i enjoyed most of it, but she's just too bad for me- michelle tea makes me feel nervous and uncomfortable in the face of drugs and sex and tattoos. i guess i'm a different sort of rebel. after work yesterday i stopped by chicago tattoo and piercing co, though, to pick up my earring. my piercing is still too sore to put it in, though- i don't think wearing the earmuffs helps. after school today i went to women and children first bookstore, and spent even more money. but it's ok if i'm mailing 3/4 of it to other people, right? i love buying books. i love it so much i feel like it's a bad thing. everytime i go to w&cf i spend what seems like a ghastly amount of money. and i'll never let myself buy more than one book for myself. but what one will that be? it's always agonizing. got a new book in the mail from a on monday- truely delightful! i love a good package (g and z, listen up! you SO owe me!) & this one was delightful- book (natalie goldberg- anyone else read?) chocolate and mix cd, littered with little lewd post-it-notes. now that rose is done i should be starting that, but i bought francesca lia block's girl goddess #9. cause let's face it, i can't leave w&cf without a FLB book. (dang- i should have bought a copy of marijane satrapi's persepolis while i was there- i can't give that book to enough people!) so i decided instead of making dinner tonight, i'd just read my fave short story dragons in manhattan and eat cup-o-soup. so that's why i feel so out of it...

also, it was amazingly, disturbingly, scary fierce windy on monday. and of course, i'm tromping around the south loop with that enormous sail of a portfolio case. i kept making the joke, if only i had my rollerblades i could be windsurfing. but really, i was glad to have my big heavy bag o books, because it kept me weighted down, and you know i hate being lifted off my feet by the wind. how does this relate to the prior paragraph? just wait and see. so when i came into work yesterday morning, ch said he'd have to leave early, because the wind knocked the transom window out above his back door. they were coming to fix it (plywood it up, so ghetto) yesterday afternoon, and he wanted to be there. so i was alone at the shop in the afternoon, and there were no customers, so i was doing new customer letters. they say, "thanks for ordering with rosexpressions! we hope your

was fabulous!" or something like that. and in the big blank space we rubber stamp in "f-l-o-r-a-l e-x-p-e-r-e-i-e-n-c-e" with little flowers on the ends. we used to hand write it and draw little flowers and color them in, but that got to be too tedious and time consuming. now with the stamps it's just brain numbing. so that's the connection- another example of how i've been out of it the past few days- the meditative zen of rubber stamping.

so classes= the mizery of colaborative seminar mixed with the joy of costume construction 2 today. my dress is basically put together, and i had tom fit it on me today. i started sewing lace on- it's very exciting! and today was my last day of classes before spring break! not really a "break" for me, but no classes next week, and i'll have an extra day off. i can add it to this weekend or next weekend, too, so then it will practically be a vacation. think i should spend it with you? compel me with your comments- maybe i'll come visit you! although my post v-day richness is starting to wear off thanks to my after-work spending the past 2 days.



oh, i am so lazy. i can't even begin to descibe the extent of it. i got so much done yesterday, and i've barely moved today. i read a really good book in bed this morning. not started it. not finished it. read the whole thing. makes me feel a little sick inside. but still, i wanted to see if he was going to get into julliard. and then how he was gonna pay for it. and the lovely prank of dressing up in the nun costume from sound of music to buy beer- no one ever cards a nun. though, sometimes you have to hear a confession or two. and another book with a character who bounces her boobs in her hands every once in a while to make a point. this facinates me. i'm not really sure how it works, i tried, but my hands are too big (yes it's the HANDS that are too BIG); i have to kind of move my pinkies out of the way and just use three fingers. they don't really bounce, they're too well attached, but i can kind of get the idea. anyway, it seems strange to me that this is done by at least 3 characters i books i read in the past week. what does this say about me? answer: i read far to many books.
the other one i finished this weekend was the other side of venus, one of my lesbian pulps. after much trial and tribulation, they get back together in the end. it's agonizing. she gives up her job, her friends, everything to be with this girl. it ends with a thought like, we're dealing with the disaproval of society this summer. we'll stick to gether as long as we can stand it. we'll deel with next summer and the summer after that as they come up, this is all we can handle right now. it makes me so greatful to be living in the 21st century, i wonder how anyone could be gay 50, 60 years ago. as if being in love isn't hard enough. and people kept saying things to them like, I don't know what to do, can't you see how morally wrong, how evil this is, if you were men i'd call the cops. it's so messed up.

i must be becoming a real writer, because it's been so hard to write this week. yesterday i thought there was no way i could finish it, but then after talking to a on the train ride home from vogue, i had inspiration- my characters actually don't end up having sex! as soon as i thought it i realized that's exactly what they'd do, so at least i knew what i'd write when i sat down today. but still, it's been just agonizing, like i'm writing a term paper or something- i'm not sure what's wrong. thank goddess i got steven the 21yearold to do my research for colaborative seminar for me. i don't know how i'd fit that into my lazy day. it's now quarter to 9 and i need to eat something. it's way to late and i'm way too hungry to cook. the blue elephant closes in 15 minutes. i hate myself but i just called in an order. i'll clean up all the fonudue in my kitchen as my penance. tonight. i promise.

hover over the cheese

exhausted, but too much chocolate to sleep. worked so hard today, running erands and cleaning my house. then, so late, ch and steven came over and we fondued and it was as fabulous as predicted. and ch djed and steven washed my dishes and they waxed my hair and now i have left over mini marshmallows and clean house, with the exception of the fondue pot. while they were smoking on the back porch mitzi learned to take a flying leap and suspend herself by her claws in the screen. we mixed all sorts of odd things with my liquor. midori was highly featured. there was no time to watch pedro almodovar- i wanted them to focus on my hair, and i didn't want the movie distracting them, and then it was so late and there was so much interpretive dancing to do. and steven was sucked into the gravitational pull of my couch. i love how people come into my apartment and are suddenly compelled to nap on my couch. i feel that's a true sign of a welcoming home... but sometimes i wonder how much fun my visitors can have when my couch makes them sleep.

is this coherent in the least? i feel rather drunk. on the way home from the grocery store i called l and asked her to call when she was done with work and she did, and i was having a fabulous time, and felt bad i was so distracted- as i feel distracted now. i do worry about our noise- i try to be a good neighbor, but we were rocking out singign and dancing and talking while smoking on the back porch, all of which are not very friendly. luckily hannah in 3w is upstairs not downstairs.

i can feel all that swiss cheese in my pores. i'm going to wash my face and go to bed.


lonely, well, kind of

so, i was feeling a bit rejected by the hot girls in my life, since i've never heard from hannah in 3w and michelle is too busy to wax my hair. but when i was whining about it to ch, he said he'd wax it for me, "If you can stand to have a MAN'S hands touch your hair." it starts.

and something has happened. i'm not sure how. but it looks like we're all lying to our other friends, canceling our other plans, and steven and ch are coming over to my place tomorrow. we're gonna fondue, watch pedro almodovar movies, wax my hair, and hit the neighborhood bars. does it get any better than this? steven, if you're reading this

ch and i survived the day today- it was close, though. he was up ALL night last night, curse that bear411.com. i would have been fine if it weren't for the paralyzing cramps. all we had at the shop were aspirin, which did NOTHING for me. i ended up buying ibuprofen next door, which magically transformed my agony into mere pain, and i could again do the amzingly difficult, like walk, or think. but really, if you're up all night and needing entertainment for a high pressure day at work, i was not the one you wanted to be working with.

and it usally drives me crazy when girls talk about their period, but i can't help but tell yesterday's story, it was such a comedy of errors. so it wasn't supposed to come till this weekend, so i was surprised, and i was wearing pants, which is annoying enough. but then i was digging through my bag, and i kept finding little plastic wrapped things that seemed the right size and shape as a tampon.. and each and every one of them were jolly ranchers. so i had to use the machine in the bathroom, but i'd left my change part of my wallet at home and had no quarters.... as ch said, like a "hot-flash-back" from metopause the musical.

so, when i got home today, another package at my door! with another funky t-shirt inside! my mom went to this fish party, they ate sushi and made fish print t-shirts. so she sent me a t-shirt handstamped by her very own fish. (the pic is of mom and the shirt she made for herself- my t-shirt is lovely and blue and strechy, much more caitlin-y.) anyway, here's mom and her art:

did i tell you ch and i went out for pizza last night? we *heart* boni vino. a true chicago experience, as jamie and pi can attest. afterwards we ate some of my jolly ranchers- we both had blue raspberry and took photos of our togues.

that ch and i, we do have a good time.



fuck blogger and fuck their server error. i didn't wanna post today anyway. i'm going to bed. try again tomorrow.


magical mail

school= same old, same old. a called, slept with another boy last night. here i thought she'd slept with him already, but she's like, no way, we hadn't even taken our clothes off. she called ch looking for me, so he wanted to know the gossip, and we started talking about the significance of the numbers- i started it, saying i thought 5 was a pretty good number, but if she likes even numbers, perhaps 6 is better. and he says prime numbers are bad, so once you hit 7 you better move on to 8 right away. and so on and so forth. it was pretty funny. a, i love how you call me just to tell me what groceries you bought at the asian store. and i am so greatful i can post about your sex life for all the internet to read. now that's love. i'd feel worse if i didn't know you use me as your artsy dreadlocked dyke best friend in chicago, so that somehow helps to even it out.

i finished cutting out my dress in costume construction today, surged it and started sewing it together. the silk feels lucious under my fingers. there weren't really any others stiching, so i was using nicodemus. that's what christopher's named the industrial, and i think it fits so well. we started draping for ragtime today in the costume shop. everyone was working on the same thing at the same time, though we all had different characters and costumes. when we cleaned up at the end of the day we had a veritable muslin army:

also, have 12 responses on my johari window! it's very interesting- i'm glad i set one up. if you haven't responded yet, please, do so!

but anyway, a's new conquest is not the most exciting thing that happened to me today. nor is sewing silk or reading adjectives. oh no. because when i got home from work today, there was a package in my mailbox. from mi. oh yes, that girl who is leaving for oman in a matter of days made time in her crazy life to wait in line at the post office for me. just getting my package was more than enough, i was prepared to merely admire its colored polkadots forever. but i thought i should open it up and see what was inside. and it was the most perfect t-shirt in the world:

ah, i can't even begin to tell you how charmed i am. i think i may wear it the next 4 days straight.



ok, so why haven't i done this before? because i'm afraid i'll only have 3 people who give me adjectives, and i think that would be bad for my self-esteem. (and that is a clue that i didn't choose outgoing for myself)
but jamie got on my back, and so now i'm giving in to peer pressure.

so please please please pick me some adjectives!

caitlin's johari window

thanks, kiddos!

missing mondays

ah, the joys of night class. it's nice, though, that i tend to write good entries on sunday so all my monday readers will have things to read. i get more hits on monday than any other day of the week. according to my site counter. i'm trying to get my hits higher than my mp3s on itunes, but so far music beats blog readers. still want to change my profile, so am still looking for someplace to host .gifs for free at thier original size. let me know if you know of someplace. flickr and york both distort the sizes. also, i haven't posted pictures in ages. here's what's been up on my flikr site:
first, 15thousand pictures of mitzi the cat:

and then, for the days when you don't like your job, you didn't get enough sleep, you can use that wonderful leather leaf treatment:

here's the self portrait i did for figure drawing homework- (not my first selfportrait with glasses or nosering, but first with dreadlocks):

and finally, a reference only jamie can get. but if you get it too, by all means, please sing in the comments!
this is why i have the most fabulous boss. because he can put things like this on the front counter, and i know exactly what i should sing. (and if you don't know but want to, you should ask me, and i will tell you. do you see how much i long for comments?)


perfect weekend

a little bit of everythng i love. friday night i went out with ch and the 21year old, steven. johnny b and his boyfriend tom came too. and it was just so nice. of course i was totally won over by steven. i'd dressed up, it was too cold for a short skirt, and ch said i should wear my pajama pants and chainmail. i don't have any chainmail, so i wore my denim bra under a black crocheted doily top. i lost my glitter lip gloss when out with jason, so i was having lip issues. and when i met steven, he was like, aren't you the cutest thing ever? and while i was fixing my lipgloss, he asked ch, "does she come on a keychain?" which i think is fucking hilarious.
we went to @mostphere, which was quiet yet hip, and drank and talked and it was just lovely. then we went to clark's on clark to meet joe. we were in a draft there, and i was shivering, and steven sat next to me and put his arm around me and we cuddled. it was so nice. it has been so long since i've cuddled someone in chicago! i miss cuddling. steven said to me, if i was straight, i'd be totally into you. and i said, i can't really imagine being straight... but i bet i'd be into you, too.
luckily ch lives just around the corner, so when it got late we walked back home. ch and jonny b made us all quesadillas, chicken for steven and rice and avocado for me, with beans to dip them in- tasted amazingly good. by this time it was after 3, so i just slept on ch's couch.

but i woke up at 7.30 or so, and found the couch just a little too short to fall asleep again. so i snuck out and wandered home, with my raccoon eyes. i felt so alive, a good sort of morning after feeling- i understood why a calls me so often sat. mornings. i felt like people were looking at me saying, oooh, she got some last night, and i did, but what i need isn't sex, it's cuddling and conversation.
but poor mitzi. she didn't know why i didn't come home. she'd knocked over all the trash cans and 3 plants, breaking a pot, bruising the jade, and dragging the avacado half way across the house. i was too tired to deal with it, so i just took a melatonin and crawled back into my bed. when i woke again at 11, i had a splitting headache. ugh. the most hung over i'd been in awhile. don't know why- i thought i drank alot of water, but i guess not. but i had to get out of bed, clean up the plant mess, shower, and head out to do my errands.
really, i got a lot accomplished. went to the animal hospital to get a price quote for neutering mitzi, hardware store, healthfood store, library, grocery store, and handcock fabrics- which didn't have any good trim. so then i went up to evanston to vogue, and of course, it closed before i found everything i needed. so i came home and cooked up my quinioa and shredded veggies (carrots, zuchini, and rutabega, don't you know) and ate that while reading the reader. i stayed up late typing my papers , drinking tea and eating the last of my xmas sweets from ruth.

did i tell you i mixed up my ukranian easter egg dyes? i set up a little table by the balcony door, with my dyes and my rag and my candle and wax and kiskas. i'm going to take this lent to have a little art in my everyday life. another of ch's bear411 guys just gave him a jose gonzalez cd, and i played that quiet guitar music while breathing the wax and the vinegar. it was very calming. i still need to find an egg blower, though. i break to many when i do it with a pin and my mouth. so sometime i'm going to have to take a fieldtrip to ukranian village.

this morning i woke up to snow. it was beautiful- watching the fat white puffly flakes in front of the brick wall out my window. but i still wans't done with this dress shopping. so (after finishing my novel and chocolate bar, of course) i went back out to vogue and found the perfect trim to match my lace, and nice fabric to match it all. it's a mauve silk, at only 3.99 a yard, quite a bargain. i didn't think i'd find anything i'd be happy with after buying the black lace, so i was so glad when it all came together.

waiting for the train at howard i was so struck by the beauty of it all. the snow was so thick on the gravel there, and it made it a facinating texture. and then the hundreds of black lines of the traintracks cutting through it- yesterday too, i'd wished i was carrying my camera with me. on the purple line train, we pass this old cemetary with huge monoliths and mausoleums and baby angel statues, and it was perfect, with the dark snakey trees and the snow falling. and then me on the train, chugging by... and that too was when i realized that this weekend has been filled with everything i want in my life. going out and drinks and friends and cuddling. staying home, with tea and writing and art. shopping in my neighborhood and cooking big batches of soup, charcoal drawings and library books and liebkuchen.



i've gotta eat dinner, dress up to go out with ch tonight. but first i gotta rave about my new find- i love the DEVON MARKET! it's closer to my house than the dominiks, and it's so cheap and funky and ethnic and crammed and they have more produce than you can shake a stick at! i was searching for recipies to use up some of my odder grains, and i bought carrots and zuchini and cauliflower.... but also parsnips and turnips and parsley root! wow! and all other staples- spreadable cheese and cans of beans and tomatoes and so forth. no organic, and that makes me really sad. but that's ok. there's other places for that. the ethnicities are mexican and eastern european and middle eastern- wOOt! they have homade tortillas from the tortillaria on the south side, and the PITAS! i've missed the whole wheat pitas made here in chicago, sold in the great big bags of like a dozen or something. $1.49. oh yes. i'm in love! my basket was stuffed full- coiuldnt fit another thing in. at jewel when this happns, it's like $40-50. i spent $25. isn't that amazing? was thinking about joining the kingshill farm csa, but i think may put it off till after school, so i have more time to concentrate on cooking, since the veggies will be a mystery. but i have devon market now. it's like andy's fruit ranch. better than edgewater produce. i'm in love.


mortal city

"...i never should have rented this apartment, in the mortal city, the cold comes through every crack i put my hand up to.."

today is very march. i had the MOST ANNOYING customers at work today. i wasn't in the mood to deal with them, but still they came. ugh. ended up talking to my mom for a long time during the lag in the middle, and that went surprisingly well. she's at home, there's an ice storm in pa. anyway, ch left at noon, still sick. his new mix is called "10 day cold" i saw after we listened to it this morning. now i'm sneezing. i don't know if it's hypochondria, psychosymatic or cat hair... a few days will tell, i guess. i was in a bitchy mood, too, at being left alone again. and i hadn't gotten much sleep last night- i was so excited to talk to l, finally, but then i blew it and said something that made her all mad at me and hang up, so then i of course stayed up all night worrying. i hate this, i hate myself. what is wrong with me? i know logically i should not be doing this, but i don't know how to stop, don't know how to put the argument out of my mind. i take my white chestnut, i take my bleeding heart, i take my melatonin, nothing works. nothing but the vicadin. and if i hate myself for staying up worrying, i hate myself even more for taking vicadin for mental anguish. i avoid it as much as i can. plus, i don't have that many of them...

anyway, tired and cranky and lonely today, and knowing tomorrow's friday doesn't help. the weekends come so fast when one has to work through them. i am not looking forward to the shopping and writing and research required of me. there was just no way i could make dinner tonight, so i stopped at the taquiria on the way home- tacos for tonight and tomorrow lunch. really, though, i need to go grocery shopping. if i make a list tonight, i should have enough gumption to go out tomorrow. i have time to go out tonight, but damn, it's just too cold.


nothin' new

still hate colaborative seminar. calculated my trim in costume construction today. i need 3 yards of narrow lace, 18 yards of wide lace, and 23 3/8 yards of trim. oh yes. good thing i didn't have to buy many books this semester. i hate people who roll their eyes when i say i had to buy one book this term. yeah, but for figure drawing alone i've bought $70 worth of art supplies. when i took watercolor, it was like $200. photography was crazy- between $200-300, and i HAD a camera already. i am terrified to find out how much 18 yards of 5" gathered lace is going to be. if i can find it- otherwise it's 36 yards of lace and i have to gather the fucking stuff myself. $5 a yard, that's $60 just for the lace. i need even more of the trim...

yeah right. roll away. who wouldn't rather have paint or paper or lace at the end of a semester than a boring book? art school is totally the way to go.