sex and prudes

There are so many little bits of stories i want to bring together here- i hope i can make this coheisive. Last night i said there were so many interesting articles in the utne reader, and the one i read this morning is no exception- it's about teens taking sex ed into their own hands, and some students protested CPS and wrote letters and shit and actually got comprehensive sex education here in chicago. What a concept- sex ed is so wierd because while teens are pilable, stupid, and hormone filled, they are still pretty close to being fully adult human beings. it's not like abortion, where it's easy to talk about this human/fetus/baby/fleshblob. like, did anyone ever think to ask the actual teens involved in having too much sex to early what teaching would be most helpful for them?

I'm trying to think back to my sex ed classes, and i remember them as very comprehensive. i mean, they were certainly hetrosexual focused, very pro-abstinence, pro-marriage, but i remember being glad at the time to be getting all that information about stds and birth control. And i certainly did get good information at home- my mom's calling in life was to give people depoprovera shots. i imagined her going to work and roaming the streets of reading with her syringe, talking up people in spanish so she could stab them. so she provded me with good information in a "women need to know this" sort of way, like the persuit of knowledge is always a good thing, and that way she could suspend her disbelief that it would ever be knowledge i would need to USE, that i could in any way become a woman or a sexual being.

Jump forward to present day: at the beach when we were taking photos on the lifeguard chair my cousin louise and her boyfriend started necking up there, and someone yelled "get a room!" and my aunt (her mother) yelled, "yeah- get a room! - but not in my house!!" and that got my mom going on one of her favorite rants, which she gave to another cousin. "there are some things children need to lie about. children have a RESPONSIBILITY to lie to their parents. Parents don't want to know these things about their children!" and so forth.

i went to the doctor on thursday and mentioned it to mom while we were chatting. i said i was there for my pap and std testing, and she was all taken aback. i explained that i thought it was a good idea to get tested when one gets a new girlfriend, and she was all, well, your risks aren't that high, and i almost said, what, compared with being a gay male bottom? but i decided that was inappropriate to say to one's mother, so instead i said, "i think it's just something that a good citizen just does regularly, like voting or something." and that made her laugh.

two other stories that tie in here: talked to g last night about her upcoming wedding, and i mentioned healthcare, and she talked about how tough she's having it, because she doesnt' have health insurance either, and she wants to get on the pill before the wedding. she's having a hard time finding a good clinic in san francisco, but she says she can't go to planned parenthood becuase it would be so upsetting to both her parents and her fiances. it would be all this lying and sneaking and she doesn't want her healthcare to be like that. i COULD NOT COMPREHEND this. we avoided it after that, actually because it's so touchy. like, she's who they're MADE for. women who want to be responsible and make choices about their family but don't have a lot of financial structure to do it with. they are NOT baby killers! still, who am i to judge. straight sex is so complicated- it's hard for me to comprehend the connection that sex leads to babies.

and of course, while in grand rapids lisa! and i will be staying in separate rooms, which of course is fine becuase i'm all about being respectful of one's parents, but on the other hand is illogical and frustrating not becuase i won't be able to go 36 hrs without having hot hot sex with lisa!, but because it gets FUCKING COLD in michigan at night, and if we were hiking on mt everest we would certainly share a sleeping bag to preserve body heat.

but really, REGARDLESS of whatever title or subject this entry was about, i would need to bring it back there, because I AM SO EXCITED! for my extra little vacation, my last trip of the summer. sure, there's gonna be fall and g's wedding and all that, but this is riding a train! with lisa! and a last chance to wear my handknit bikini! and ah, i'm planning on having the lovliest time.

i feel so LOVED!

i know, i haven't been blogging at ALL recently, even worse than my usual not-writing streak. it's just that i'm working so much and something has to give if i'm not going to let my house fall into disrepair and eat out every night. but THANK YOU faithful readers for all your snail love!! i got a lovely sweet letter from sarah, i feel like a pen-pal... and today a box arrived from germany! jamie has sent me tiger und tigerente backformen! so now i can bake tiger and tigerduck shaped cakes! yummy!


thank you, thank you, both of you! i promise to visit you each in the next year!

thanks, y'all

it's so very encouraging. a- i think this is a time in your life where you don't have to apologize for that sort of thing. and thanks for the shirt! it's awesome. liz- i feel a little better. but i'm sure you get lots of practice saying this, just not so much in english. d- thanks as always. i know you're going to be a big help keeping me fed.

still no fabric. hopefully it will be here tomorrow! i want to stop worrying and start working. i've been better. imagining it in yards nstead of feet. three yards by seven and a half, that's not so bad. thinking of the worst case senario- i can't do it, or i can't do it all on time, they get furious at me, throw things, and don't pay me, and make sure i never work in chicago theaters again.
tbat's not so bad. i don't know if iever want to work with a theater company again.

nice slipcover man called today. has a little work for me over the weekend. had to tell him no. sucks. much rather be doin that. sometimes poor's the better choice.

hapy anniversary

d and i celebrated code 3 at the flowershop this weekend, abrieviated ha. we met a year ago saturday. to celebrate, we spent the whole weekend together. d picked me up at the flowershop on friday after work, because we had a dying tree i wanted. so i have a cute new tree in my apartment, and i think it is going to be so much happier here in my sunny home than any stuffy office building! then i paid my bills while she cooked dinner for me- she made these AMAZING zuchinni pancakes we put cranberry chutney on, and stuffed eggplant and apple nectarine crisp. we had the zuchinni pancakes for breakfast the next morning- it was SO nice, saturday morning sunlight (the kind that pours in like butterscotch and sticks to all your sences) and library books to read and a girlfriend to cuddle with and fancy herbal teas and fancy pancakes and fruit... it was supercozy.

but we pried ourselves up from that to go to the renegade craft fair. i was looking for something specific, and found it, so horray! necessary shopping taken care of. we stopped by d's house to check her mail and get some food she had to eat up, and then we came back to my house to eat dinner and change for concert #1. we took the train to hear nervous but excited at schubas! they were very good, they have some wonderful new songs. they opened for natalia zuckerman, who was also quite excellent- we stayed to hear much more of her than we thought we were going to! then we went to mi tierra to have margaritas with ch, then BACK to schubas for concert #2, ingrid michaelson. she was enjoyable too, though the night was getting late. she has a quirky personality, but her precise singing style and clever songwriting make it fun to listen to songs of hers you don't know.

sunday d woke up first and went to devon market, then made me chocolate crepes with nutella, raspberries, blackberries, strawberries, blueberries, kiwis and grapes! oh so yummy! and her crepe making technique keeps improving- they were really paper thin! i really wanted to be lazy, but there were bags to do. once done with breakfast, we listened to npr and i sewed. i broke my last stupid needle, and had to take a trip to joann's. but i got all but one of the bags done before we had to go out for dinner!

d had never been to a restaurant where you have to make reservations before, so my anniversary gift was to take her to the green zebra. it was really successful. as always, an amazing dining experience full of taste sensations. i had:
-Roasted Baby Beets, watercress, horseradish panna cotta
-Sweet Pea Raviolis, baby carrots,goat cheese, pinenut sauce
-Zuchini cake, brussels sprouts, almonds, squashblossom
-Chocolate Coconut Ice Cream Cake, coconut foam, dark chocolate sorbet, passion fruit

d had:
-Corn Soup, cornbread crouton, black pepper sweet cream
-Chickpea Pancake, fried chickpeas, basil, piperade
-Roasted Halibut, baby fennel, romanesco broccoli, new potatoes
-Toasted Corn Cakes, plum compote, sweet corn ice cream

i really loved the bitter brusselsprouts on the sweet zuchini cake, but my favourite of all may have been d's corn soup. we didn't know what piperade was, and so d was quite disturbed to find it's a pepper relish, so that wasn't her favourite course. i was getting full and couldn't decide if we should get two deserts or one, but i'm really glad we got both, because mine was lovely and amazing, and the corn ice cream i LOVED, so much better than the discription. yum!

after that, we headed back to schuba's for concert #3, girlyman! they were excellent as always, despite playing so many songs we don't know yet from their new album. they played lots of old favorites, too though. and i certainly love girlyman when i don't know any of their songs, so it was as always delightful.

but now it's monday. and i have to clean my house. cause that's what i do on monday. sigh.

gosh, it's been so long...

i don't even know where to start. dad's come and gone- that whole thing's still surreal to me. yesterday: d drove me to the dentist at the crack of dawn to get my cavity filled, then we did the nostalgia tour of hyde park. we went to christie's, and she met d, and i met her kids, which makes me sad i live so far away, and am around so infrequently. i don't know why i always put off calling her when i'm in hyde park. someone remind me of this in november, the next time i'll be down there.

she also drove me back, we took a nap, she drove me to target so i could buy my tent (and scrabble!) and made dinner while i sewed. she also brought up the possiblity of only canceling her participation in the michfest part ouf our vacation plans- she would still be willing to pick me up in michigan and drive me to my cousin's wedding in my hometown.

i just don't know what to do about this. this situation in particular, and the whole relationship in general. i continue to be somewhere between unimpressed and disgusted with myself. if i was someone else giving me advice, i'd be saying, "what are you DOING there? get away already! you wimp! what's WRONG with you?"

and i really have no defense. i say to that voice, oh yes, of course you're right. and i continue to hang out with and sleep with and be otherwise in a relationship with d. and i don't know why. is it because i'm to afraid to be single? because i'm using her for what she gives me? because i love her so much our love can overcome her gross lapse in judgement? how do i learn this? it all goes back to handling. and i guess my answer to that question is no. i don't know what i will do when it becomes too much for me to handle.

so do you all have any advice on:

1. how and if i can separate the roadtrip question from the relationship question
2. what i should do about either one
3. how i can do about doing what i should do without more self-attack.

thanks, y'all. am hoping you'll comment just from the sheer joy of seeing me post again.

fairies

i was getting bummed tonight- i went to check my mail, and i realized that the rest of the world had today off, it's sunday. there is so much of my week yet to go. and i have to wake up early tomorrow. i was stressed about all the things i have to do, the things that didn't get done over the weekend. but when i opened my door, the fairies had come! my bed was made, my house was tidied, the REFRIGERATOR was cleaned out, all the nasty food thrown away, and there were itsy-bitsy packages of haribo gummibärchen with notes taped to them that say things like "i love your garden!" and "i love your little feet!" and "i love that you do what you love!" hidden in appropriate places. just while waiting for my pictures to load, i've eaten "i love the sacrifices that you make for me!" from on my planner. do i ever feel loved and understood in this movie madness.

rooftops

bummed around yesterday until it was time to go to the square dance. it was the first beginning class level dance, and EVERYONE there was all, "where's d?" i wanted to make a general announcement, "d's in iowa. i don't wanna talk about d. i don't wanna talk about iowa. can we just dance?" but instead i was polite and answered all their questions. gloria was there, for the first time since before christmas, so i was glad to catch up with her. it was pouring, and michael and john offered me a ride home, so i took them up on it. then i remembered michelle's birthday party. screw it i thought and went home.

when i got home there was a bunch of texts on my phone. one from d and a bunch from ch and hugo at t's. i was so sad i'd taken that ride, cause i would have had much more fun walking to t's and getting drunk with ch and hugo. instead i called them and sent my regrets. then i called michelle and sent her my regrets. i explained the situation to her, and she said she understood. but a few minutes later my phone rang and it said it was her, but when i answered, it was stephan. he told me to get in a cab right now and he'd pay for it. i said i couldn't, but thanks, i was just feeling too mopey, and he said mopey can be fun, and i didn't have to come out, but if i stayed at home and moped and felt sorry for myself he'd never speak to me again.

so i hopped on the red line with my umbrella and headed down there. they'd eaten, so i picked at their french fries and drank and drank. more and more people showed up, and we went to michelle's house. grant had given michelle 2 confetti cannons for her birthday, and we decided to go up to the roof to shoot them off. so we got out the ladder and climbed up to the top of her building. it was beautiful, you could see downtown and wrigely field, and the "m" of the music box sign, and the coffee shop where i'd had the meeting with cory and tom 2 days ago. i begged to shoot off one of them, and so they let me. POP! and then confetti blows around. my cannon showed us how the wind was blowing, so grant stood on a parapet and shot off the other, and we all stood so the cloud of confetti blew all over us, then off the edge of the roof, and we watched the sparkly cloud float down over addison street, twinkling in the street lights, and it was surreal. it got more surreal as we started wandering the rooves (roofs?). the bulidings on her block are all connected, so we just kept wandering the twisted paths around the fire escapes and the skylights and climbing over the parapets from one building to the other. we finally got to a little alley- it was only like a 2 foot jump, but no one was crazy enough to try it. it was really cool, though, very contemplative, to be wandering around on top of the city at midnight with a bunch of artists. stephan took the train home with me- he lives in uptown. i got home too late to go to figure drawing this morning (curses!) but i did feel loved.

thanks, y'all

i don't deserve friends as nice as you. i may bitch or feel lonely sometimes, but when the shit hits the fan, i've got a rockin support group. doesn't matter how far away you live- y'all take care of me, and i thank you for your comments, and phone calls, and cabs, and threats. you've taught me so much about what love looks ilke. thanks. thanks again.

every waking moment

i'm sorry i haven't blogged in ages. i feel like it's not my falt, though. it's not like i've been sitting around surfing the internet. it's just this is the first time (with the exception of a few hours yesterday) that i've had any significant non-d time. not that i'm complaining about any of the time i spend with her! i just need lots of me time too.

so i last blogged wednesday night. (did you get it? my wednesday without d?) then thursday was work all day, and i had to take a stupid delivery afterwards. ( customer calls at 4.30, can you still make a delivery today? i'm like, to a home or buisness? and he says buisness. and i say, no, unfortunately- i would be willing to take it after work, but i won't leave here until after 5. and he says, oh, well she works from 6-9! so then i HAD to take it.) d picked me up and she and i and d went to christopher and david's house for dinner. i love their giant pilsen loft. i'm so jealous of their work space. it doesn't seem fair- christopher's never at home. i'm always sewing in my tiny little closet and he has all that space! it was nice to do a fun adult thing with jr along. i don't seem to get many chances for that. pictures from the night are up on flickr. it was so late, and we were groaning about taking me all the way up north, and i said, i'd come to your place but there are no clothes for me to wear. so david and christopher dug through their closets to find an appropriate costume for a girl working in a flower shop! so it was off to d's for me. after work on friday we had made plans to spend the evening together, so when i came home she had already made minestrone and i whipped up some biscuts. yum! it was really delightful to have her cooking in my house when i got home from work. i promised the bag lady bags, so we got half of those done. when she went home i had a bit of time to finish my book... and blog about it.

saturday morning she and jr picked me up and i ran my errands- we went to recycle, and my violin needed a repair. we took jr to icosium kafe and tried the sweet crepes this time- still oh so good. jr's was strawberries and kiwis with nutella, debs was pinaple and walnuts with honey, and mine was raspberries and belgian chocolate. oh yeah. d dropped me off and home and jr at the babysitter before going to her square dancing class. while she was there i finished the bags, practiced my fiddle, and balanced my checkbook/ paid my bills. i felt very productive. we went to jen's birthday party after that. we all met at pete's pizza, which was yummy. then everyone was going bowling across the street. i was having so much fun with d i said she should go pick up jr, and instead of going home, bring him with to bowl! so she called the babysitter, and he said, jr was asleep, why doesn't he just spend the night? so d was free to bowl, and then come over to my place.

this morning she made me breakfast in bed. a spinach zuchinni scallion garlic omlet, and left-over biscuts with little dollops of orange marmelade and nutella. it was super charming. after that we re-dyed my hair a deeper hue, and then i did some cleaning while we waited for the baby sitter to call and say everyone was up. d dropped me off at the laundrymat when she went, and then i brought my laundry home, and hung it up. and now i'm writing to you! need to fiddle again, and some more cleaning, but it will all get done, 15 min. at a time, just like the fly lady says. are you at all interested in before and after pictures of my shelves?

in other random news...

can you tell i'm cleaning up the scraps of paper from my desk? but there are so many little things that i've collected to share with you. r emailed me from germany a few months ago to say she'd been reading here and of course that filled me with joy. cause i love all blog readers, but i especially love emails from accross the pond! and it was such a good email, with a story that she started with, "forget all your moral values when reading this..."

isn't that a great start to any story?

she was fooling around with a boy this summer, and there was a point of this story that is just so fabulous, and so much like r. she writes, "however, he was being a total asshole, continouosly telling me on our way to his appartment that actually, i am not his favorite kind of woman - in fact, not at all - but that he wants to fuck me. i´m not really picky but if a man wants to fuck me i expect him to be nice. just be nice, you don´t have to tell me that you love me but DO NOT tell me that in fact you would like to fuck someone who has blond hair and a bra size twice as much as i wear. that´s just not cool.

so, instead of continouing our flirting at work, we started to fight and then shortly before we arrived at his appartment i had enough and decided to go home. ten minutes later i got this txt mess which says something like "just come back, don´t think about what's going to happen, tomorrow we´ll see".

isn't that the best quote ever? "i'm not really picky but if a man wants to fuck me i expect him to be nice."

so here is the honorary contender in my top 15 best text messages:
"komm einfach zurueck und morgen sehen wir weiter..."

i need to update my list, anyway, so that one should be added to it.

calendars and the dali lama

don't worry, nothing really interesting happened for a whole 24 hrs, so it's ok that i missed a day of blogging. lets see. tuesday after i last wrote i went downtown to meet with ch to go to the art exhibit inspired by the dali lama. we decided to meet at borders, and i saw their calendars were $4. unfortunately i didn't have my gift card with me, but i really did need one, so i bought one anyway. but HOW does one choose? last year i waited until closer to february and got an ok tolkien one- but for my planner i got the amazing happiness planner. i loved that thing. happiness means so much to so many different people! but anyway, this year i jumped the gun, and bought a wemoon when i was buying xmas gifts at women and children first. but the selection was so goo this year- reading women in 19th century art? good huh? but better yet is WILLIAM BLAKE! and if you can believe it, i turned down that one, too. i chose... the flower fairies. i thoguht it would make the best envelopes next year. but i am actually really attached to my calendars, so i can't imagine it. thinking back on my calendars i've had some good ones. now i want to chalenge myself and see if i can name them all- 2006- tolkien, 2005- syracuse cultural workers, 2004- andy wharhol, 2003-maurice sendak, 2002-????, 2001- american art from the art institute of chicago. now i'm going to have to go dig in my envelope drawer to see if i'm right. really close- sendak was 2002, we'moon on the wall was 2003. and i also have animalia from 2000, so i have a calendar from every year since i left home. don't know why this is so imporant for me. how many people could blog so long about wall calendars?

so anyway, about the art exhibit, which we went to after i bought my flower fairies calendar. the very first wall ch is all, woah, too much text! and speeds ahead. it was wierd behavior, and i didn't know what happened. maybe my bag was too crinkly. i would have prefered to walk with him. maybe he thought i would talk to much. in general, the whole exhibit made me feel discombobulated. one of their taglines was 88 works from 25 countries, but there were no countries on the artist information tags. there were so many works that i wasn't sure how they fit into the whole. and the whole exhibition was broken down in to the 10 essences of the dali lama (ie tibet, peace, compassion, etc) which were numbered- but they didn't go in order! there was 1 and 2 in the first room, then 6-9, then more of 6 in the back, and so on all over the place. i didn't understand the flow of it at all. also, i'm wondering what other people feel about multimedia art. i rarely have the patience to watch video in a museum. i like 3-D and 2-D work just fine, but when it comes to the 4th dimention of time, i just have no patience unless i'm at home or in a theater with popcorn. anyway, with all the downfalls, there was some beautiful beautiful work. there was an enormous piece that was a long red rectangle, and on the left hand side there was a little tibetian girl with a red shirt and red hair and blue eyes, and there were light red characters behind her head, and the artist said she was the next reincarnation of the dali lama... and i thought that was just fucking awesome. another amazing peice was buddha carved out of a stack of manhattan phonebooks. i wish there were photos. the best photo for the exhibit i can find is this:

afterwards. ch and i go to gentry for a drink, which turns into three. i go home and there's a message from the new job, the laundry bag guy. he wants to come over tonight. luke wants to change my locks tonight. so there are all these people in my apartment! it was kind of crazy. but i have deadbolts on the back and front now. and a hamper face i need to drape a laundry bag on.

worked yesterday, then went to the spectacle space to work there- and no christopher! guess he's not working late over jterm. so i went to the library instead, then to d's. my feelings are as always so bi-polar about her. i guess i'm always feeling i need to pledge my undying love forever and sign a lease together or break up. i need to remember there is middle ground, and to have patience. maybe i'll change, maybe she'll change, and make one become more likely than the other. i just need to wait and see.

work again today, then home finally to cook- i haven't cooked since i got back. and i FINALLY did my dishes, so i feel ready to fly with the flylady. and it seems i've already posted about my shiny sink.... i make my potato wirsing soup (it's apparently called savoy cabbage in the usa, but that's terribly awkward i think, and it LOOKS more like wirsing, don't you think, with all it's little wrinkles?) while listening to records- i successfully have my turntable hooked up! or at least, the turntable on the reciever next to my desk, and the turntable can play through the reciever to the speakers in the kitchen. next, we're going to see if it can go the other way- from the turntable through the usb to the comptuer speakers. stay tuned!

christmas spirit

ok, so i guess i really need to get down to the trip. i should do that while my photos are loading. i got good gifts- a usb turntable, so i can convert all my LPs tp mp3s. a rice cooker. and a SLR digital camera. wow! where did that come from? i feel like i'm not a good enough photographer to deserve one. i really need to finish reading the guide, i've just been using the automatic functions, but there was a sunset shot that i wanted to use the lightmeter for and couldn't figure out how to adjust it. i've just been using the manual focus and manual zoom. zoom! right now it's connected to my computer and i'm using stinky old iphoto to save the images. because i don't think i can figure out how to use the file viewer utility right. i just HATE how you can't rename the files. grrr. anyway, it's a cannon EOS digital rebel, for those of you who have done research about digital cameras and care about such things.

so that's part of my one picture- one sketch daily. am a week behind on the sketches- but am a week behind on shining my sink, too. i tell ya, i just can't bring myself to do it. i don't know what's wrong with me. got a great egg timer widget, though, and that helps me control my internet usage. a little. ah, who am i kidding.

so the trip was good. d and i travel well together, i dj, she drives, it works out well. the whole straight thing at the farm worked out well, although oh was my bed cold and lonely there. the funniest thing was gma calling d "debbie" i don't know why or where she automatically converted deb to debbie, but it cracked me up, esp. as d hates it. j had to work late, so we barely saw her, but it was nice to have someone there who "knows."

pa was pretty to travel across, the mountains are so much nicer that flat in and oh. everyone in east pa was kind to us. dad's family, mom's family- there really wasn't much trouble. christmas was nice, and we had fun playing games with the party in a box.

we went to philly for a day, d and i. we drove downtown and found parking (amazing!) and walked around old city, went to betsy ross's house and elfreth's alley. met krista and sarah at a charming cafe, then headed to the west side for the dinner party at leah and rachels. their new apartment is fabulous, so much more personality, more bohemian, than their old place. i of course took no pictures. oh well. i was so pleased to find that the other michiganite with laura was julien! so that was fun and exciting. we thought we'd get there a little early to help with preparation and catch up, but it wasn't the best idea. i think d was really awkward and i find l can suck all the energy in a room to the point where i don't exist. but more guests came, and we drank more, and had a great time. leah and rachel have the most fun friends ever. i want to be a philly dyke. we played surrealist games, and the dreidl game for slips of paper. i'll type mine in once i find where they are. but we had to get back downtown at a reasonable hour, so we took the trolley to krista and sarah's house, where they provided conversation and couch cushions, then took us out for lunch the next day. thanks you guys! it's funny that we'd just met sarah and i'd only met krista once before, because they felt like the safe old friends, whereas leah and rachel always feel like the dangerous new friends. i'll always think of them as the coolest girls in school, the ones whose lunch table you don't sit down a t with out an express invitation.

a did make it home, after all. she flew in on the 25th and out on the 1st. it was a really healthy trip for her, and she was really happy, so that was fun to be around. she and d really got along, so that made me really happy. i'm glad they like each other. we all went shopping at the outlets, and bought me a red bra and a new bag for my camera. we had so much fun d and i went back later and bought her a whole new wardrobe- we closed down the lane bryant outlet on new years eve.

we'd been to so many parties on new years i was sick and just wanted to stay home. so a came over, we all played cranium, and z and i won. we all watched the ball drop on the projection screen tv, and d and i soaked in the hottub before bed. the first we went to the party in a box's house for our requisite pork and sauerkraut, and then marty and mom took d and i to a place in deleware for a contra dance, which was lots o fun.

coming home was less fun than going out- though we did take the turnpike and it was even more beautiful. it was even harder to be at the farm, though. i was playing footsie with d under the 500 table. and i knew it would be days and days until we could sleep together again. the next day was even worse- driving the whole way across ohio caticorner because we needed to pick up jr. there was some fun at a rest stop in indiana, where we got frisky in the dark parking lot in the back... but i screwed up the directions, and it ended up taking us 3 hrs longer than origianlly expected. once we go to champaign, the agony was exsquisite- d had to call her ex's sister for directions to the school, where said ex and jr were. then we got there, and we had to find them, then we had to go up and get some of jr's stuff, but the rest of it was at ex's house, so we had to give ex ride home, and then get all the stuff, and i thought we would NEVER head back to chicago.

but we did, and now i'm home, and i can't blog anymore. go to flickr if you want to see pictures- i can't be bothered to add links into the body. it's here.
and if that's not enough, here's my mom's photostream with even more and some better photos.

kidnapped

so yesterday after work i was going to go to ch's to FINALLY watch the much hyped "scenes from the class struggle in beverly hills". but then ch had a horrible cold, and he went home sick. what was a girl to do but run the flowershop by herself?

d had forgotten the ice cream she brought over on tues, and jr was pretty upset. so she said she was gonna come over after work to pick it up. but really she wanted to take me out to dinner for our two month anniversary. we had indian- can you believe she's never had indian? how has she known me for 2 months and not yet experienced devon? i feel like i've been remiss in my duties. so by the time she gets here, we go out, we come home, fool around, she goes home, and suddenly it's past my bedtime. AND since ch is sick, i think it's only nice to offer to open for him today.

so i'm feeling overwhelmed. have i bitched about my loans here? they're coming due. SOON. like, the 28th. they just moved it up a month earlier. i don't know why or how, all i know is they want $280 out of me. i called them up and begged them to switch my plan, which they did, but it won't be activated till next month. can we say BROKE? had to call my mom up in tears and beg for rent money. goddess, i hate doing that. so anyway, i need to work on bags and other things that pay. a woman at square dancing offered to give me work last tuesday and i TURNED IT DOWN! can you believe? sure i got some letters written. but how important is that, really, in the long run?

don't have them mailed yet- so many need cds. i just threw together a mix of my new music 2006. want a copy? drop me a line or post a comment.

pics coming soon. really. i promise.

the rest of the story

sorry so much life keeps happening between posts. so all depressed thursday, and i get a "we need to talk" text from d. worried about it all day, and of course that night was one of the classic scedule three things at once screw ups. i know i'm not getting enough sleep when:
1. i can't keep my planner or my life straight and schedule multiple things at once.
2. i get depressed, lonely, sorry for myself, overwhelmed
3. i say inappropriate things to or about my friends to make them unhappy with me.

so anyway, thursday night ch was supposed to come over for dinner and some mending. and d got a babysitter so we could go see shortbus. and the bag lady was finally supposed to swap bags with me. so d came over to wait for the bag lady with me, then we went to our "place" in my neighborhood for sushi and serious discussion. basically, she'd read the blog from wednesday night and was feeling, probably rightfully, hurt. it was all ok, i apologized, but i still ended up feeling like shit. not that she made me feel this way- she was beyond kind to me- it was definately self hating going on.

but then yesterday i worked in the spectacle space with christopher, and he helped me work out of it. i guess talking it through to a place of peace is something he has to do alot with his boyfriend, so he's got practice. d texted me that morning saying i should take my stuff with me to go right there after work, which was sort of overwhelming- that feeling of when am i going to see my cat again? but jr wanted me to go with to see flushed away, and d had a meeting on the southside this morning, so she could drop me off in hyde park for the hyde park anniversary shape note sing.

but after a day with christopher, i was feeling, good, an ok, i can do this, and not only CAN i, i WANT to, sort of feeling. christopher finally gave me the thank you gift he's been saving. a tassle. the worlds largest tassle. a tassle so large it has tassles. picture forthcomming. and he told me i didn't have to come in on saturday, so i could sing all day. so i headed off cheerfully to d's house, where my cheerfulness slowly dispersed, along with my body heat, over the 35 min. i waited for the bus. i was 2 minutes short of just going back down into the subway to get the train home when the bus called. i met d and jr at our "place" in her neighborhood for tacos. d had to stop at the bank before the movie, and while she was in there jr promply fell asleep. i really didn't want to see the movie, so i persuaded d just to take us back home. horray! into bed early.

which was a great plan except for the part where if jr goes to bed at 7:45, it means he'll wake up at 5:45....

but d didn't have her meeting, so we could spend our post-waking-up hours leasurely. she drove me to hyde park not too late for the singing, and it was lots and lots of fun. my new friends from the northside and familiar faces from the south side were all there. we sang alot out of the missouri harmony, which i found not so much fun, but we sang fun old ones, too. the bass who lead the memorial lesson mentioned vi stark, and i cried. i miss her a lot in the treble section. and i miss the opertunities i never had to get to know her, i'm so sorry i never sent a card or sang in her hospital room, or came to a sing in the year when she was on the memorial list, or knew anything about her besides her favorite tunes until i read her obituary. she was just so quiet and kind, and now she's not here anymore, and i'm not sure what kind of soul connection i feel i had with her that now i miss her so much.

took the cta home of course, and got here quite fast- a little over an hour. mom called, and i chatted with her for a while before heading off to square dancing. i didn't have time or inclination to change into a twirly skirt, so this was my first time dancing in jeans. everyone saw my butch look. when i got there, i was the only person at class level, and there was just one square. it was me and my gay partner, another couple from our club, an african american couple, him with his cowboy boots and her with her great big twirly skirt, and an ancient little old man, and his grey haired wife with a heather grey sweater with white cats on it.

i was very dubious, but it turned out quite nicely- everyone was friendly and kind, and about the same skill level. they were all very nice to marshall and i, who ended up being the two class level dancers there. the caller had a vest, a belt buckle the size of a plate, and crocodile boots. for singing calls he had a record player he played 45s on. halfway through the first tip, he stopped us on the grand square, and said, "on the southside, THIS is how we do it." so we did the southside claps. i made some assumptions about the couples from downstate clubs, with their western wear and flag-shaped name badges- namely about their politics, but i guess they knew that chi-town squares is a gay square dance club, and they were all very nice. and besides there's more of us than there are of them. though a few times the caller did have to say, "men, raise your hands" wich i assume doesn't happen at the sorts of square dances where all the girls are women and wear twirly skirts.

anyway, that's been my weekend so far. i'm feeling much better, and i gotta say it's thanks for all your kind comments. j, thanks for always being there. krista, a cockroach friend is the best kind there is. thank you. liz, i fully accept your hug, i hug lots of strangers at square dancing, and i've spent more time with you than, say, krista, and we live in the same city, so no awkwardness necessary. such a delightful surprise to see you still hanging round here. thanks.

and thanks to all you other lurkers. if i knew who you were, i would thank you too. but i just have some vague inklings, nothing solid, so you don't get the joy of personal thanks.

can we say different?

work today, blah blah blah. stayed up too late last night listening to all that linford and so was tired today. i've just been feeling grumpy and blue lately. i need more sleep. circus class was hard today. we were doing handspring sorts of things and i felt like i was training for something i'd never get to finish. up on the trapeeze everything was sharp and cutting, i couldn't get a good grip- it seemed like i was back at square one. totally frustrated. the unicycle was worse. it's always beyond impossible, but i was staying up for like, 1 second and getting a half revolution. but it shot out from under me and i fell hard on my tailbone. i had the wind knocked out of me, and was pretty sore. they gave me an ice pack and it's feeling better. not as bad as years ago when i did the same thing rollerskating.

things with d continue to be complicated, at least in my head. last night she told me a story that totally upset me- she let a cat have 2 litters of kittens, and the second litter she put outside- in chicago- because she didn't want to deal with them. there are just so many things wrong with that story, i was horrified. do i want to be with someone so irresponsible? if that's how she reacts to kittens, what about non-living things? then today she send me the sappiest e-card, and a supersweet email with a terrible, terrible love poem. the email was so awesome, so true and kind and from the heart, and i know that was the intention with the other things too, but goddess are we different. i don't know if i can handle someone who takes sunsets with birds flying across the sky seriously. i couldn't decide between a sappy card or a bust card to send in return. i guess i need to accept the way she expresses her love, and extract the love i can recieve from it, the same way she needs to put up with my gently mocking responses to her earnest caring.

goddess, i can be such a bitch.

oh so tired

happy sweetest day, everyone. my feet hurt. i didn't sell very many flowers today, which was a bummer, but i sure did make a lot of deliveries. we have about 7 red roses left. it was a frustrating day, one of those everything happens at once, then nothing for 3 hours sort of days.

but i had a delightful surprise in the afternoon- d came by! she had a workshop at a nearby school, so she stopped in to see the flower shop and me and give me chocolate. it was so charming. i had always hoped someday it would be me kissing behind the green curtain. she even went with as i did all my friday waiting in lines- at the bank, the copy shop, the post office. even though i'm way too tired to make conversation. it's terrible. i MUST take a nap before i go out tonight. i can't believe i have to work in the costume shop tomorrow morning. it's really cramping my friday night style, let me tell you!

since then

so much of life catching up to do! i wanna talk politics, nature, but there is so much basic storytelling, first....

ok, so my new skin came for my ipod on monday! it was a CRAZY day, bosses day and us totally unprepared, so i just threw the package in the back and kept working. when i went to leave at the end of the day, lo and behold, the back was clean- our driver had taken out all the cardboard for recycling, emptied the trash, and my unmarked envelope with the new skin was nowhere to be found. so i headed out to the dock. luckily our trash was right on top. i flipped through the cardboard- no sign of it. i waded through the floral garbage, climbing through the dumpster. nope. nowhere. desparate- it HAS to be here! - i searched through the boxes again, and it was folded up at the bottom of the last one!! horray! so now pearl is a diva. ch doesn't like it, he says it looks like a creme saver. i agree, i just don't think that's a bad thing. i do wonder if i should have gotten blue instead of pink though. oh well. breast cancer awareness and all that i guess.

i did post on tuesday, i think- i got the bags done, though i d showed up whil i was still gluing the last one. so we didn't have much time to chill before it was time to pick up jr. we went to see open season, and deb and i cuddled under my coat- it was very sexy. i wonder, though, how much does a five year old catch on to? it's always such a delicate balance, this thin line we walk. jr had gotten his alphabet flash cards at school that day, so i kept quizzing him in the car. he knows all his letters and all the sounds, but he doesn't have great success at putting them together, yet. you know the way to my heart is learning to read- there is nothing more amazing and wonderful to me than literacy, and i imagine being a first grade teacher somewhat on par with being a labor and delivery nurse- ie, not a job i could ever handle, but that amazing feeling of being around while something is being BORN. perhaps i'll put film director in that catagory, too. we went for dinner at our fave mexican place- i love it because their vegetarian options are not just meat-free, but they have VEGETABLES in them. horray for replacing the carne with zucchini, broccoli, carrots, corn, etc!

so then the hotel cafe tour. d dropped me off at park west about 30 min. after the concert started. i asked when i bought my ticket, how it worked, and she said they were all mixing it up. NO!! they were all taking turns!! and i learned, after i bought my ticket and went in, that the weepies were first!! i MISSED THEM!!! i was so so sad. to spend so much money on a ticket for a show i didn't wanna see. i just went home. it was a school night, after all.

so i worked yesterday, pretty unexciting, although we are getting a stack of sweetest day orders. made me worried about working alone thursday and friday. ch is off- his niece jasmine, and her baby are in town visiting. i told him i planned on going to d's after circus class last night, and he's like, "girl!" and i said if i can pull off a wild life, i might as well live one. we can sleep when we're dead and all that. and he's says, "oh, sure, i don't care. i just like it cause she gets you to work on time."

circus class was the tightrope and real silks. the silks are so much fun- if i ever pay off my charge card bill, i'd like to take another introductory aerial arts class, cause that seems to be my fave part. my arms are reasonably strong, and my body is so small it's not much weight to hold, so i can do a lot of the pulling and hanging sorts of things. i think getting over your fear of being off the ground is what's most significant. also, doing things like the basic figure eight hold on the spanish web was very helpful with the silks- and they are much more comfortable on your feet! and, you know, if i'm ever, say, in a cartoon and am hanging by a rope off the edge of the cliff, i know a few tricks to be able to stand there until help comes, or climb back up to the top. the wire was much harder for me- i use my hips so much for balance, it was hard to get the feel of waving my arms for balance= it looks so ungainly. but i did end up getting it, kind of, though i never did have much success.

i was really rethinking my decision to go to d's afterwards. it was raining and i was tired- i should be at home in my cozy house getting stuff done, not riding a train to go hamster shopping with a 5 year old. but d picked me up at the trainstation (ah, a girlfriend with a car!) and the 5year old was asleep in the back- hamsters will have to wait till tomorrow. on my seat in the car was a card addressed to "my sweetheart" (side note- the phenomenon of greeting cards. its so strange to me to get contemporary greeting cards- like, not ones from your grandma. my friends are either not the senimental type, or are all lterary and write sprawling letters on notebook paper, or are all artsy and craft someting with dried flowers or stickers. so this is ne!w!) d and i had had a conversation the day before that i still haven't decided how i feel about. she'd asked for my blog address, and she asked me about the "major reservations" i'd talked about in a previous post. and i went for it, and said, your house stresses me out. she was cool, and didn't make me feel like i had a stick up my butt. SO ANYWAY, she'd stayed home from school sick, and instead of going back to bed and nursing her headache like i told her to, she had cleaned the living room. and the kitchen. and the bathroom. and baked my favourite kind of cookies (the peanut butter ones with the kisses in the middle). AND downloaded a variety of ani, melissa etheridge, cardigans and weepies songs. the amount of work was just mindblowing. instead of singing slow pony home i've been singing somebody loved these days.

Rain turns the sand into mud
Wind turns the trees into bone
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved

Nights when the heat had gone out
We danced together alone
Cold turned our breath into clouds
We never said what we were dreaming of
But you turned me into somebody loved

when i expressed my admiration, she just said, ah, something else i can check off the list. and she was serious. she downloaded my list of 50 ways to love me. she's working her way through, checking them off. seriously.