profile paper- g

It was supposed to be a wonderful weekend. The end of September weather was not supposed to disappoint, and my favorite band, Over the Rhine, was coming in concert. My friend Gabrielle was staying with me until her dorm opened for the school year. I was planning on enjoying my last week of summer vacation to the fullest extent.
I hadn’t done a particularly successful job of enjoying summer vacation up until that point. I had been plagued by depression, and often couldn’t do or enjoy anything. This was not an unfamiliar feeling, but as the weeks grew longer, the emotional season seemed unending. After months of loneliness and inaction, I called my mother and confessed my troubles to her, and she took control so fast it made my head spin. From Pennsylvania, she made me an appointment at the school’s health center, where I got antidepressants that messed up my body so much it made me swear off drugs forever. At this point, I needed to find long-term care, and the place to do that if you’re uninsured in Chicago is the Cook County hospital clinic.
I don’t know how to describe the awfulness of that experience. I sat among hundreds of other ill people, waiting for someone to call my name so I could be herded through triage, blood pressure. I sat, and knit, anxiously, stressed, listening actively, planning how to describe my symptoms succinctly, not wanting to waste anyone’s time. After six hours of going through the process, I decided this was also not a path I would choose to continue on. I feel my illness is very personal and specific. If I had broken my leg, perhaps it would be more bearable. But four questions and a Prozac prescription is not going to help me, with my experience and my particular view on how I am afflicted.
By the time Gabrielle came by to pick me up, I was at the lowest point- basically a small wet sniveling ball. She drove me home in silence. I transferred from the car to my bed. I couldn’t think, couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything but be sad and hopeless.
I can only relate the story from my point of view. I can’t imagine what it was like for Gabrielle, watching your host and friend have an emotional breakdown. She says that she remembers knowing how important it was to do and say the right thing, and the pressure made her unable to come up with ideas of what do next. I recall wanting her to give me a hug, and perhaps an activity, something to do to distract me. I was terribly disappointed in her, and I thought about why we are friends, and how I met her in the first place.
I know books shouldn’t be judged by their covers, but I admit to wanting to be Gabrielle’s friend just because of her hair. Her head is covered in these crazy curly corkscrews, which explode out like inspiration flying from her brain. I first spotted her at a prayer meeting right before we both started college. Her bowed curly head and folded hands plated with silver rings made me think she would be a fun and funky person who I would like to know. When she came over for dinner, I found we had similar interests in music, movies, and tea. We listen to Fiona Apple and Stars when we do homework together, drinking yerba maté or blue ginger tea. We watch films in Spanish and German with subtitles, loving Pedro Almadovar and Franka Potente.
Still, sometimes I wondered if I was basing our friendship on superficial things, and if our worldviews were similar enough to communicate. She talked about how much she loved Texas, her homeland, and how much she hated the city. How she missed the open wilderness and felt her spirit oppressed here. She missed her car. I live in Hyde Park because of the delightful community; the small-town feel with the benefits of a big city. She lives here only because she’s a University of Chicago student. We were riding the bus into the loop one night, and the skyline all lit up was so beautiful through the window, and the bus lights superimposed our reflection on top of them. We looked so hip and cool. We were young and beautiful and exploring a big city together. I tried so hard to articulate the beauty I found in this moment to her, but couldn't.
When she was unable to think of any fun activities on the day I was so depressed, I finally created a plan: I would take a shower, then we would walk to the beach. We passed a playground and swung on the swings until I achieved a Zen state. Then we went to the lake, took off our sandals and waded a little. I just stood there, staring out at the waves. She eventually got bored and started doodling in the sand with a stick. After awhile, she looked up at me and asked, “what are you thinking about?” I had hoped I had something deep and insightful to reply, but I told the truth, "cactus juice cocktails."
Cactus juice cocktails are an invention of my friend Charles. Their base is a Kool-Aid-type polish drink that is cactus flavored. Since Charles was coming over the next night for dinner before the concert, we decided to travel to his old neighborhood for the hard to find ingredients. We had a plan for tomorrow. This cheered me up immensely. Plans are very important to me. I like knowing when things are going to happen and assurance that I will get to do both what I need to do and what I want to do. Gabrielle works a completely different way- she doesn’t use calendars or planners. She seems to just keep everything in her head.
This different way of thinking reminds me of the previous summer. In the spring I had been so frustrated with our friendship. I confronted her about it, letting her know that I missed her and refused to invest in a friendship that wasn't committed to building our relationship. She was kind and apologetic and promised to do better. That autumn, her own moment of understanding came. She was telling me how her friend Eric had friends come and visit from back home in Kansas. She told how they whined about public transportation, and couldn't appreciate the beauty of the city. Then she said, "and I thought, this is how Caitlin must feel! I realized how wonderful it is to have these things, and I wanted them to appreciate them." it made me so honored that she recognized that as one of my struggles- and then she sympathized with me, feeling the same way!
I don’t know how to describe her enough to make her a whole person. Yes, she has curly hair, but her whole body is curvy. She is short, and sexy, and very comfortable with her own self. She has her own personal sense of style, and likes to buy clothing as much as I do- when we go shopping together, we always are out so long we lose our transfers. I don’t shop well with people who say things like, “I won’t try THAT on!” or “no, I look to fat in this!” Gabrielle wears what she likes and what’s comfortable. And if that’s a boy scouts shirt, a short pleated skirt, and Doc Martens, then that’s what she’ll wear. With fingerless mitts and striped tights, of course- it’s much colder in Chicago than in Texas. She has her own ideas and knows her own mind about everything, not just clothing. If she has an opinion, it’s one she’s formed on her own. Often she doesn’t know enough about it, and then she’ll say she doesn’t know, or doesn’t have an opinion, or she defers to the ideas of other, more informed, people she trusts. She seems to be comfortable anywhere we go and whatever we do, whether it’s going to the opera, being prayed for in tongues at a church retreat, or being hit on by a lesbian at a wild party. Whereas I am passive aggressive and assume others to be as well, reading subtext into everything that’s said, she is straightforward. One knows that if she doesn’t say it, she’s not feeling it, and you can take what she says exactly at face value.
The next day, my mood was continuing to crawl upward. We took a bus and two trains all the way to Andy’s Fruit Ranch on the northwest side of the city. When we arrived, there was a big parking lot out front! We could have driven! But the trek was half the adventure. The grocery store was new and modern, but I still felt like I was in Europe. The cashiers were all talking in Polish to each other, and the shelves were filled with assorted treats labeled in languages we couldn’t understand. We bought all sorts of interesting looking things. When we got back home, we baked a cauliflower cheese pie with grated potato crust for dinner, and Charles came over, impressed with dinner and humored by the cactus juice. We headed off to Schuba’s to hear Over The Rhine. Standing in that smoky room singing along, I was able to shake off the last of my depression, thinking how lucky I was to have not one, but two friends in the city who loved my cooking, and my favorite bands. And they even got along with each other.
This memory is one of my favorites because of the way such a horrible situation turned in to a wonderful experience by the end of the weekend. It is important for me to be understood, and I feel honored that Gabrielle cares enough about me to want to learn what I need. About a year ago there was a fire in my apartment building. As I was waiting for my carpet and windows to be replaced and cleaning all of my stuff, I was staying in a temporary place one floor down. Along with the stress of having my home displaced and living out of boxes, I was also starting a new semester at school and going through the absolute busiest time of the year at work.
One day I had to go to the post office to pick up a package. It’s impossible to get to, and I left work early to make sure I’d get there before it closed. I arrived at 5:02, and the doors were locked. None of my shaking or arguing with various discourteous postal employees would get me my package that day. I was again overwhelmed emotionally. The post office was yet another force outside of me that was controlling my life and making it as hard as possible for me to get through. The postmistress rudely made it very clear there was nothing I could do to get my package, and walking through the parking lot I felt overcome with frustration and anger. There was no way to express what I was feeling, and I started to scream. Various shady-looking characters walked by and looked at me strangely, wondering what in the world this little white girl was doing screaming in broad daylight at 47th and Cottage Grove. Out of breath, I started to sob and sob, and I got on the bus, still feeling like something uncontrollable was taking over my usually very restrained self, and I was frightened of what was happening to me.
I called Gabrielle, and she was home. I went over to her house, where she gave me tea and tissues, and petted my back while I recounted my story, and told me everything would be fine. It was such a comfort to me. First, the actions themselves were reassuring. But also, knowing that I had a friend who knew me well enough to know HOW to console me under such circumstances was comforting.
The Sunday after the Over the Rhine concert we slept in and had a lovely lazy day, painting, reading, and being creative and companionable. I patched her jeans for her, and she read Griffin and Sabine to me. She drew lizards on my stepstool as I knitted and told stories. That night we finished off what was left of the cactus juice cocktails and watched a movie. I French-braided her hair in a crown around her head. It ended up being pretty lopsided-- the product you would expect from a French-braider who’d had too much to drink, I suppose. This is who Gabrielle is to me: a beautiful girl with a crooked halo.

sat morning = friday night?

yes, that 2:30 at the bottom is chicago time, not like german time or somehing. it always seems like a trap of some sort, like i'm trying to lure or trap g into staying later. she came over here, bringing coke to mix with my famous vanilla vodka. all went as planned, she gelled my hair, we watched my newest almodovar, we got a bit tipsy, we sat around talking afterwards. she leaves for the airport with joe in 3 hrs, going home to texas for a friend's wedding. all the talking felt good on one hand, cause i felt like i was saying things i needed to say, talking about the way beauty looked in the sorority house; my odd relationship with ch and my sexuality, and the way temp joe fits into that. but i felt like i didn't hear what i needed to from her. she listened to my stories without really responding- or maybe i just had different expectiations for responses- really, i just didn't ask enough questions. i don't know if it's a friday night thing or a drinking thing, but i was crushing again. and there's that knife twisting cell phone of hers. she did make efforts both times he called to try and get him off- "ill tell you when i get home"s. i hate that he owns so much of her life, and he has to infringe on my miniscule bits of time with her. touching her hair is playing on my mix, and it seems so apropriate while talking about him. grr. her half of the conversation is like, "he got it? oh, fuck the fulbright, i get it. tell him he can come to costa rica with us. really, tell him. no, i'm still at caitlins. yeah, i'll call you then." i ask about it, and she just tells me about his friend who was basing all his post graduation plans on getting the fullbright. this is the kind of person her boyfriend is. who assumes they are going to get a fulbright scholarship? but she doesn't tell me anything about her and joe going to costa rica. i don't press it. i don't wanna know. i have to pee so badly, but i hold it, knowing when i stand up to go to the bathroom she's going to say she has to go. i'm glad that i can re-engage her in conversation before she looks too closely at her watch. eventually she has to go for real, and i can't be abandoned here. she says she's calling him to meet her half way and i say i'll walk her home. so i do, and a block away from my house he calls again, and i'm wondering how long i let them talk before i turn around and walk home and let her continue her conversation with the one she'll be meeting soon enough. what'd you watch? he asks. live flesh she says. what he screaches? we'll talk about it when i get there she says. she can flip back to me, but the grating it does to my teeth i can't recover from as quickly. it's all her life. so little of it is mine. i've been pushing all night, though. i wonder when i'll go too far. we talked about sexuality, breasts. she told the story of him going over to his friends house to play video games and drink, and her play role of being a hanging on girlfriend, and ends it with telling him (ironically, of course) "i know where this is going, you're going to leave me for another boy- you're leaving me for jordan!" and i tell her, if it ever happens, you know where to come. it better be my arms you're running to, cause you're gonna fall in love with me as soon as he falls in love with jordan. we laughed, but i know i wasn't. i wanna see how close i can get without giving in. i'm gonna rub up aganst it till i break the skin. fuck. ani got to sleep with her straight friend. i also don't wanna do homework. i know if i go to bed, when i wake up it will be saturday and i'll have to do what i've been putting off all week. i was planning on just walking and walking after dropping off g, but my thoughts were tumbling so much, i thought blogging might be better, healthier, more productive. and after midnight i'm always worried about pearl. not that i've ever been hassled by a sober person in chicago. coming home was really nice. i was so glad i picked up in my free time today. i made my bed (into a couch) before g came over, and it's in it's welcoming misquito netting cave, and my christmas lights are glowing, and i left itunes on so natalie merchant's kind and generous was playing as i came in. and i got a little rush when i thought, "i LIVE here. i get to go to bed here tonight, and every night." and i suppose that's the point. who CARES about a fucking girl (even one who has selfproclaimed perfectly symetrical breasts) when one has an awesome flat?


quickly, now

nothing of note has happend yet, but i want it to, i need to get off line and get it happening. g's coming over for another private party. i'll let you know how it goes. i just bought tickets for her to go see hedwig with ch and i next week. i'm super excited- this is why i live in a big city- so i can do things like see hedwig and the angry inch on stage. i was gonna paint for grant after work today, but they were installing the raked stage, so we couldn't paint the floor yet. maybe next week. in my unexpected free hours, i took a shower, put away the piles that have acumulated by the front door, and put away the laundry. i wanted to do the dishes, too, but it's not gonna happen. am next going to try and work on my fairy mobile.
so about fairies. that's the title of a short film i worked on 2 years ago. you can read about it (and see some pics) here. it was produced (and written and directed and stuff) by my friend cory, who worked with me a the flower shop, and his partner tom. they moved to new york a year and 1/2 ago. i inherited their old stereo, a ripped paper lantern i lost in the fire, 1/2 a bottle of tequila, and 3/4 a box of chickenesque patties. i visited their vibrant studio in harlem when i visited nyc, it was their front stoop i was mugged on. i usally don't hear much from cory unless he's sending political emails. but he called the flowershop the other day to send flowers to his little sister, and we chatted some more. i'd lost my copy of fairies, and i got him to send me another one. and he said they're editing the full length script, and would i like to read it? WOULD I? so he sent it, and i stayed up late the other night reading the 100 page pdf. so that's what got me so excited about fairies again. (that, and my mobile!) it's a great script, even better than the short. so if anyone knows anyone who is into producing a film, they're looking for some cash. they've got studios that will distribute it, if they can find a way to make it. i hope they invite me back. i love it so much i'd probably do it for free.

hey, i just went to the web page, and if you click on projects, and you click on fairies, and you click on images, and you click on crew or behind the scenes (i forget which one- sorry i can't give you a direct link-it's a fancy window w/o html) i'm about the 14th picture in! i'm in the costume room, pinning wendy robie's skirt. you can see me with straight hair and contacts! you can also read my and ch's name in the credits- although i'm about 4 pages before him!
anyway, g will be over soon, and i don't want her to see this window. but more later!


purple comfort

had the wierdest dreams last night. lots of flowers. a was pregnant in one- i was wondering how she was going to move to colorado with the baby being born soon. her belly was funny.
exhausted all day at work today. lukily we didn't have the thurs. morn. rush of last year. though our holiday numbers are down, our month to date numbers are still up, which is great. unfortunately, there's an extra day in last year's april, so we'll probably be down for the month. ch ended up leaving early. it was a quiet afternoon, and then a guy came in to buy a wrapped boquet for his anniversary. i suggested a big wrap at 40-50$ sounded like what he was looking for, and he said his wife liked warm, earthy colors. he liked all the flowers i was pulling, 3 eremerus, 3 calla lillies, orange spray roses, hypericum berries, lots of solidago, some purple asters- it looked great, and i thought it was about 50. well, the eremerus were $6 each and the callas were $8... so right there is $42. i couldn't charge him the full price, i just charged him $60. so i was sorry to be giving away ch's flowers- but we wouldn't have sold the eremerus at that price, anyway, and the customer was happy, and it was a really impressive boquet, so i don't feel too bad. actually, it probably was pretty close to $60. my mental math doesn't work well when i'm panicking.
cooked dinner for the first time this week. sat. had no food, sun. was the patty surprise, mon. was painting, tue. was aad prep, yesterday was night class. i made another new recipie- polenta with black beans. polenta seems scary to me- perhaps it's the discription, cornmeal mush- but i always enjoy it. it has the soft texture and the savory flavors of comfort food- it's so warm and cuddly to eat something with a big spoon. i imagined how others might make beans and polenta- white beans with flecks of parmesan on golden polenta. not in my kitchen! i use blue cornmeal, which makes the polenta a vibrant purple color (currently i have stoneground, which i don't like as it gives it a grainy texture, and the purple is greyer and less vibrant). the tomatoes are bright red, and the canned black beans (rinse!rinse!rinse!) are rather purple too. and i always use red onions instead of yellow or white, of course. sprinked with white parmesan and green parsley, it was quite vivid, but with saturated quiet colors that go with the whole comfort idea. it's still cold in my house. it's so hard to crawl out from the duvet every morning. i can't believe i have to go to work again tomorrow- but the flip side is tomorrow is the last day of worry free fun. saturday the homework cram begins. monday i must go again to classes and explain my lateness and truancy.


sexitaries day

got there late, which sucked. but there was one customer in the store at the time. one. where were the lines? what the HELL were we gonna do with all these flowers? at 9, i was pretty worried. but they did come. 92 orders. i'm exhausted. i went from work to class- creative nonfiction. i just got home. the real kicker was the balloon fiasco. there's this order for us to blow up 75 balloons tomorrow. no time. when the guy comes down with 100 balloons, he says he wants them at 7. we say no way, he takes is balloons away, his boss comes, it's a mess. at 4.45, they decide they will take us up on our best offer, which is pick up at 8.30. i take it, and we're out of helium, so ch calls the helium place- which closes at 5. our back up place closes at 4.30 and doesn't open til 9. what the heck are we going to do? i left to go to class, but ch went to target and bought those stupid party helium canisters. but there were only 2- that's 33 balloons each. so at 8.30 am ricky will be at doolin's door with our empty helium tank, and hopefully we can polish off the last 34 balloons before they come at 9 to pick up the last bunch. as i wrote in the scratch pad, tears will be shed. i gotta go to bed so i'm ready. but i also must work on my emails- i'm up to cory's- it's a fairies critique- i still have to talk about fairies, don't i?


hard times in flowerland

i ended up taking my bath last night. very soothing, cleansing. however, it was way past my bedtime when i finally got into bed. it made me a bit snarly this morning, and ch was in a BAD mood, due to his headache and the awful holiday we're having. we're so behind. this year our monday was $900 short of last years, and this year's tuesday was $300 short. we're in good shape for tomorrow- all the orders for tomorrow are made, and there's over 30 cash and carry mugs and vases made up. but it's depressing- either this holiday is going to suck, and all the flowers ch ordered for tomorrow are going to bite us in the ass, or i'm going to be taking 100 orders tomorrow.

on the other hand, i'm glad to have a job where i can say things like "all the flowers are going to bite us in the ass."

i was the one to make the 30 premakes, and i was getting REALLY sick of it by 5. i was hungry and tired and NOT ready to go draft my fucking white model of my set. but ch had been talking all day about seeing if dos hermanos would deliver a tower of margaritas to us, and at the end of the day ch said dinner would be on the business upstairs. so we went up and had dinner and margaritas, and then came back down and knocked out the last of the orders. we were pretty pitiful when we went up there- ch DROPPED his cigarette. i felt that tired myself. but after some food and drinks, we got pretty slaphappy. i'd only had one, so it wasn't being drunk, but i was suddenly feeling alive and having fun. we put on liz phair, and i got to make big arrangements. i'd been making these little mugs all day, a spider mum or a gerber, some alstro, some mums, blah blah blah. foam is fun, and it's fun to use all those little bits of things to make little arangements, but there was stuff i'd been walking by all day that i coudn't use. you can't use tall pointy things in a mug, esp not one with round gerberas or spider mums at the bottom, or it looks really phallic. so i filled up my vases and used all the snapdragons and eremerus i'd been itching to use up all day. i hope ch is in a good mood tomorrow, my mood so depends on his mood. i wish i wasn't so influenced. i wish i could bouy him up when he's feeling down, and i could wallow in my own moroseness when necesary... not really . but i do wish i could cheer him up the way he does me.
anyway, i was feeling all alive walking across the loop- it was 8 by the time, long after the x28 was running, so i walked all the way to state, and pearl was playing just the right mix. even though it's not friday, here it is:
take me out- franz ferdinand
labor of love- frente!
people and tables- sinead lohan
gravel (living in clip)- ani d
scarlet red and blue- zoe
last days of the century- al stewart
underneath it all- no doubt
a poem on the underground- simon and garfunkel
perfect white girls- patty griffin
i know what i know- paul simon

did i tell you about the awesome music i played yesterday while painting? if i did, sorry, but i'm telling it again. when i got there, the TD had some monks on. it was sooooo droney. but he left, and grant asked if i had anything, and i said what i had was very different, and he said they'd been listening to monks or banjos all day. so i put on everything but the girl's walking wounded and it was perfect. and i thought the vibe was good too, and when it was over, danielle asked, who was that? and i told her, and grant said it was good painting music, and danielle said it was sexy. that's what i was going for! i put in no doubt's rock steady next, which wasn't as perfect, but it kept us going. all in all, i'd call it a success. i'll let you know how it goes friday, if i make it painting and what i play.

since i got home early i immediately thought i should call g. then i thought why waste my precious time when i'll see her on friday. so i was gonna type to y'all and watch a movie, but now she's on aim. i'm such a sucker. i'll tell you tomorrow where the conversation goes.

ps, thanks for all the comments, everyone! i'm sorry it's so hard for me to respond via email. someday i'll get my popmail set up. until then, i'm just replying in the haloscan comment box. so if you've left a comment, go back and check on it, and i've probably responded. because i love you all!


different painting

skipped all my classes today to go to work, do the administrative assistants week thing. i hate how they change the name of it every year. teleflora's marketing is professional secretaries, which i think is just AWFUL. pandering and wordy and sexist. anyway, sales weren't that big, which makes me worried. it can only mean two things, both of which are bad: 1. people aren't ordering flowers for their assistants this year, or 2. they aren't going to get around to buying them until wednesday, and we're going to be CRAZIER than usual. i'm glad i don't have to make the flower decisions charles does.
the food situation's bad here- i bought groceries for fast and easy things to cook, but i never have time in the right places in my day. i bought lunch, which also served as dinner today, but i'm going to need to do the same thing tomorrow. i skipped not just the morning classes today but advanced costume design, too. sorry frances. my renderings will be done next monday, i promise. and after work i put on my painting clothes and went to the getz to help grant paint! horray! i love it. and who else was there but daniella, from my s&c class. have i talked about her before? she rides her bike to school, she's an actor and was in 3penny. (shoot! THAT's what i was going to do this weekend! how could i forget. oh well. the run's over now. ) i think i like her, a bit. not painfully so, just fun. she was dripping gold paint on the gears, then washing them with glitter glue. i was doing blue and brown washes on the curtains, and then painting the gear structure brown. there's this great brush with half the bristles cut out, like teeth missing on a comb, and i was using white to add stripes like wood grain. it's a super cool set.
but now i'm home and dirty and exhausted. certainly not up for cooking tomorrow. tomorrow i have to draft after work. i need to make my white model. grrr. i'd rather leave the set design up to grant. i'll stick to flowers and paint. i wanted to take a bath, but it took mom 30 min. to check her email fast before i went to bed. i finally called to hassle her. she's still online, with marty's account now. it's her own fault she's tired.


surprise patty

i'll try and make this quick, as i have to be at work in 9 hours... but i wanna tell you about my night while it's still fresh! i heard back from g last night. she was at a birthday party. i told her to call today, but she never got a chance to. whatever. it's her naked hands. i worked hard all day, did my research, wrote my bibliography and outline, read my readings, wrote my paper on bird by bird, did laundry and went grocery shopping. on my way to the grocery store, charles called and said johnny b was feeling badly- he has to go to work tomorrow for the first time without an apendix. so ch wanted to know if i wanted his ticket to hear patty griffin tonight! how could a girl turn that down? when you hear she's coming and the tickets are pricey and it's a sunday night, perhaps. but a free ticket TONIGHT? no problem! i called mom, she helped me justify it. sorry frances. no last 4 paintings for you. i met charles and jack up north- it was the first time jack had seen me all dressed up, and he was surprised. ch is used to it, so it was an awkward moment. i wore my tall boots, black fishnets, micromini black velvet skirt, black longsleeved t and over it all a boucle sweater jacket with lapels and 3 buttons at the waist that goes down to my ankles. the skirt is REALLY short- i think i cut too much of it off when i decided it should be a skirt AND a tube top. still need to put darts, zipper in the top, so i may end up adding a ruffle to the skirt...
i ran into my text analysis professor from last semester in the bathroom. it was kinda wierd, cause she taught a class i hated so much, but she was good at it, and she's this hot rad dyke, and i wasn't sure how familiar to be with her. and it is the bathroom line. i think we were friendly and polite though, and i felt like ch, coming back from the bathroom, saying who i met. we stood on the corner of the balcony- it was a good spot. jack is SO quiet! he drives me crazy. can NOT make conversation. but then he gives me a line every once in a while to show me what ch sees in him. i'm trying to make conversation, as we stare out at the crowd. i say, i can't see anyone from here. i wonder how ch recognizes people. and jack dryly says, he eats his carrots.
patty was good. she's a great musician, performer. i like the new stuff, i'm excited about the next album. i don't think i like impossible dream. i've been trying for awhile, and i just can't get into it. there's a few good songs on it- she played don't come easy and useless desires (2nd verse for a) but i get so bored through standing, kite song, top of the world, mothe rof god. she didn't do anything from living with ghosts, which makes me so sad. she only has 5 albums, how can you skip one completely? she did makin pies, which was fun, and long ride home, which was awesome- it made me cry. she did 2 oldies, silver bell, which rocked, and tony, which was really surpising. the soccer moms were SO annoying screaching mary through the whole concert. i'm so glad she picked tony. she did a cover for the encore, someone i cant remember, and a rocking song. and another boring thing from impossible dream. and my handy rang. it was g. whatever. too late! i'll see her next friday. i'm not rearanging my schedule for her to pick up her rings before that. it was wierd, but i called a and we had a lovely chat, the whole way home. i'll have to tell you about that sometime when it's not so late.


and a few random comments

i don't know if you notice my counter, but i'm just 41 visitors away from the big one-oh-oh-oh. so bring it ON! and you should know this isn't a wimpy page view counter (sorry justine) but a real, live VISITOR counter. so opening and closing my blog lots of times won't help. i feel like i should do something special to celebrate 1000. any ideas?
also, i've done a terrible job of updating my google searches that lead you here, recently. these are everything from the past few days:
"beeswax removal"
discrimitation by red cross flag
bagdhad cafe soundtrack
QueeReligious Chicago
"haven't shaved " armpits
jamie heidingsfelder
caitlin allie
shaving armpits dreadlocks
"smallest feet"
rasta mango hair

don't look at me, i don't search for them or click on them, i just collect them.


NINE, count them, NINE of my paintings are done! well, except for the labeling and signing, but that shouldn't take too long. i just have to pick a font and draw it on. i FINALLY got inspired today. i've been groaning though the whole process, thinking only of the complaints frances is going to have, saying this is wrong this is ugly i can't do this. now, all of a sudden, although i was groaning getting started, painting was making me feel alive. look, it looks like a wrinkle, an elbow, a hat. isn't this amazing? since i'm working in the dining room, i've been playing records. things with words, since i can't be creative to instrumental stuff, but rather than sing alongs, i've been putting on things i want to learn. joni's hissing of summer lawns. the best of phoebe snow. pink floyd's the wall. dan fogelberg's innocent age. pousette dart band's 3 (i think). paul simon's one trick pony. shot in the dark. finally, for the colored pencil on the last 2, the much-loved song to a seagull. i was drinking ruth's protest roibus tea, and just eating whatever i could find- a small bowl of steamed broccoli with cheese, cake from this morning... oh, that's right! this morning i went to ch's for his parents brunch. i was TOTALLY late, it was pretty sad, but they were all welcoming, anyway. poor johnny b's recovering from his apendectomy. but he was making tea, and he asked me what kind i wanted, and he said he had a new kind- and it was tee gschwinder tea! i was just commenting on jamie's blog about this. i said i didn't think you could get it in america. and he said his "A gay" brother gave it him. i love it. eveyrone must read maupin! when it was time to leave, i went with them to the airport, so i got a ride home in the rental car- wOOt! i think it took me less time to get home, even stopping at the airport! so i've been drinking alot of tea. and using up alot of toilet paper. but i haven't really been eating, so now that i've finished nine (count'em, NINE) of my thirteen paintings, i'm eating boil in a bag indian food, even though it's 10. i think i'm still going to be a good girl tonight and pay my bills, but i'm going to chill after that. make a shopping list, maybe. or perhaps put together the silk fairy mobile my mom sent me! don't you wish you had one?


mind spots

i don't know what to post about. i'm sad that this is my home page, i wanna see if i have any comments, first. i've been thinking of a bunch of middles of posts, but they aren't very good stand alone. i guess i could stick them all together in a stream of conciousness post, but i dont think that will be effective. i'm going to try the short post method:
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind: of course good movie, though i think kate winslet is a really boring actor. even though she was playing such an interesting character, i thought someone else could have done a better job. jim carry is growing on me, as long as he has straight roles. and kristin dunst is always excellent. it doesn't work if you think about it too much, but as mom said, i loved it for the same reasons i loved being john malkovich and adaptation. kept thinking if i could ever for any reason ever justify erasing anything in my mind. but i can't. i'll let you know if i come up with something.
day at work: another really good day, dollar wise. i'm realy selling the flowers. i made the 80 arranged mixed colors. it looked good, i was proud. i've never arranged that many before, esp. not in foam. it was hard being so big, the stems were so long you coundn't really have as much control as foam normally gives you. i washed for joe. he was a big help. i'm still not sure what i think of him... but he's safely in the relm of less fun than cory and more fun than jim.. though i know that is a wide gulf for a temp to be in. i think i would like him better if i didn't feel such derisiveness twards women/lesbians/me coming off him. but i don't really care, and he's polite about me to my face, so all is well.
comparisons: still thinking alot about my time spent with z. after my shower i started to see myself in the mirror as the funky person i am, again. i really look completely different when i'm depressed or when i'm happy. i see me either looking nasy or hot. but hanging out at the sorority house with all those beautiful well formed women i found myself looking really odd in the mirrors. like i was a fun house creature compared with everyone else. not that i was unhappy with myself, just emphasis on my bizzareness. and that's what i work with, too. i think i'd get really depressed if i tried to wear makeup so it didn't look like i was wearing any, to be subtle, or to try and be sexy or pretty. that's not going to work with me. i can pull off hot, and i'm usally satisfied with that. was singing alot of ani d lines about being funny looking. i think in alot of ways i look similar to her, although my nose is cuter. but she has better cheeks. but back to z and i- cause the comparisons i really want to talk about are different ones. was reading in the newspaper about how they just discovered why the unpopped popcorn kernels don't pop (the hull isn't airtight and the steam can't build to great pressure inside) and was thinking that this is the sort of thing z will do when she grows up while i sew clothing for imaginary people. i hope that this doesn't sound derogatory. i would much prefer to sew. i like jobs without significant concequences for failure. i had some better ones. Ah, yes, joni songs. was going through albums while washing dishes the other night. i'm song to a seagull and z is cactus tree, i'm lesson in survival, she's let the wind carry me...
talking with a: i've gotten 2 text messages from her, and we talked again long tonight. i'm so happy we're going through a new phase where we talk a lot. i hope it lasts. it makes me really happy when i'm able to communicate, when someone appriciates what an intense friend i am to have. with everyone else it seems that when i can commit we have a strong friendship, and when i'm tired or distracted, the friendship is weaker until i can commit again. with a, if i am tired or distracted then it is her turn to cheer me up. i don't know if this means i feel like i'm never cheery in my other friendships, and don't want to be constantly pressuring them, or if i feel like amy is uncheery often enough that i feel justified in asking for as much cheering up as i give. anyways, it's good right now. though one of our topics makes me just INCENCED against american health care. i think everyone has a right to be healthy, and everyone should be able to afford the care they need. i can understand if people can't afford the cell phone coverage they need, or computer they need, even vacation time... but if you are a happy healthy person with a perscription, you should be able to get that perscription! why doesn't any insurance company cover pre-existing conditions? why is dental and optical and psycological care so much more exclusive than others? why is it so easy to get male sexual inhancement drugs and so hard to get birth control??? grrr!
i think that's everything. i could talk about this weekend's school work, but that's just boring.


nother short post

i can't write long, cause i've promised about 5 people i'm going to FINALLY see eternal sunshine of the spotless mind tonight. and i haven't done anything since getting home from work. (HUGE day today- took an order for 2 wrapped boquets of a dozen roses each, which he then upped to 2 doz. each. then a guy called for 80 arranged roses tomorrow.) ufta! guess who'll be making that? ch is on vacation today and tomorrow- his parents are in town. joe's coming in in the mornings to help me. i felt bad- i was late today. so i must watch the movie NOW so i can wake up early tomorrow. also, i'll need to shower. joe said i smelled like a hippie today. not bad, he said. like bed. i guess it's better than feet.


music addendum

sorry allie- i wanted to mention my FAVORITES from your new 88 mp3s:

the yeah yeah yeahs are great, and guster, of course, but my 3 faves:
she says- what a pretty ani d song. i love having new ani i like! i can't rember the last time this happened! it's so old and earnest and pretty! i love it.

meril baines, would- this is such a caitlin song. of course i love it

the streets, fit but you know it- this song would make an anglophile out of anyone! it's so funny. his accent, the way he talks about the girl- i love it!

also, how come no one told me that great escape is NOT the airport song? it came on AGAIN on the way home, and as i'm thinking of rochester and chanting, circle circle dot dot dot! i realize, it's not the airport song. if it's not called great escape, it's called we backed it up... la la la la we've done nothing wrong!

thank god

oh, i'm so glad i got comments and i don't have to pout any more! i didn't think i'd be able to do it, anyway. i have too much to type. i won't do the list again about my classes. it's too long and painful. lets just say, EVERYTHING is due next monday or wendsday, and i won't be there for either, as it's administrative assistants week. crazy times in the flower shop! when g came over monday night she took off her rings to make the salad, and she LEFT THEM HERE! can you believe it? it's like a set up i would have tried to make happen 3 years ago. but i've tried them all on before, it just seems like a hostage, a promise, now. she'll have to come over if she ever wants to see her rings again... i mean, i just got almodovar's live flesh from netflix, and so she wants to see that, too. i'm still having trouble about my paper. in class today, my peer editors liked it, but even with the changes, i got comments like "the author includes herself in the piece alot and it's working well, but i think in a lot of ways the story became more about her and less about whom she's profiling." "write about how your life has had an impact on g." "how can you make this less about you just enough?" so it still needs work. i promise to post the final draft for you all- next weekend, probably.
so, my handy rings "99 luftbalons" whenever a christian friend calls, "caribe atomico" whenever a pagan calls, and the disco beat whenever a family member calls- those are my groups. (does anyone else organize interestingly?) it's mostly separating ch, g, and my mom. a also calls frequently- i should give her her own group. so, after i came home from class today, thinking about how sad it is that no one communicates with me anymore, mostly because i don't communicate with them, and i've had a night of connection! my phone rang caribe atomico twice! and it wasn't ch! the first time it was LEAH! she's comming to visit me! may 5! can we say SIKED! i cannot, cannot wait. she wants to meet charles, see me, go out, woot! i've been dying for a chance to say whooot in my blog! woot!
the second call was a. i was so glad, i haven't heard about her life in such a long time. i think she felt bad for how much she talked, but that's not true. i haven't heard from her in so long, and she knows so much of my life from here, and i don't know anything about hers. i want to know, but so often when she calls she gives me partial answers, and i don't know the right questions to ask her to keep her talking. but she gave me the full stories, so i was so glad. i feel like we connected for the first time in awhile. she's really moving to colorado. i may take the road trip with her, i'm not sure.
and then i sign online and i get 2 comments. SAMIR! i didn't know you were a reader! welcome, boy #2! you and brando... thanks SO much for the comment. who cares about the sister, you are so getting cookies. send me your address.


why bother

blogging when i have so much homework to do and no one comments? it's been 4 days since the last two, and a week since the one before that, and 10 days since the one before that. i am overworked and lonely.


home again

it's very strange. leaving so soon, being gone such a short time. i got my ground plan done in class today. now i just need to finish my elevations of all the walls, a painter's elevation of one wall, and a white model. by next monday. yeah, right. my renderings are due next monday, too. and an outline and all my sources for the styles and crafts paper. and a final draft of the g paper. it needs some serious editing. i cut and pasted alot from old blog entries, ones that were too boring to post here. and one of the points of writing about her in the first place was showing my objectification of her- she's just this beautiful girl, and that's why i wanna know her. but that tone has now seeped into the paper, and so it too seems separate and calculating. i have lists of her likes, physical discription of her, and with her. but somehow, it's not intimate or revealing- no one can say what it's missing, just that it's missing something.
after school today, she came over. i'd had a critique with frances, but it went well, i'm learning to deal. g laughs when i say this, says, "it's not that you're learning to render, it's that your learning to deal with frances." and it came clear, i need to interupt, ask questions, not just let her list my problems, but make her give me solutions. but i forgot it all while making carrot cashew curry. it was good, though i sent most of it home with g. i'll have to make dinner again tomorrow. oh well. she asked about my trip= it's always so strange to tell her about such things, as it's like writing an email- she may interupt as we go on, but i'll just tell my monolouge. she had her college girl bottle of 151 in her freezer and i asked her to bring 1/8th of a cup, and we made real rum cakes. i like them much better with amaretto= there's more flavor. but perhaps if we used normal rum instead.
i need to go to bed. i was awoken at SIX A M this morning by the construction outside. GRRRRRRR! i was so, so angry. i called 311 on the bus on the way to work, and they said crews in chicago weren't supposed to work until 8.30 and i should call 911 at the time of the incident. wow. it doesn't seem like an emergency now. but, well, at the time it did! i'll probably call 311 again first, just to make sure, if it happents again tomorrow. it BETTER not, that's all i have to say. denise in the office says everyone on my side of the building is complaining, though, so that makes me feel a little better. not as good as another 2 hrs. of sleep would have. beep beep beep, clunk, grind grind.


unconcious mutterings-weekend summary

you know i rarely do this, but it seemed so apropos this time...

Great escape - guster's airport song. "lalalala we've done nothing wrong"
Cluster - honey bunches of oats
Wrong place, wrong time - my life as a sorority girl
Guided - being passed from samir to kimmie to z and back, depending on whose turn it was to watch me
Forensics - a back up major for lots of riters.
Pros - there were lots of them, it was a balanced trip
Safety deposit box - huh? this has no response. certainly nothing weekend orented. really, nothing at all.
Quadrant -red brick quads.
Precisely - mathamatically, acurately
Who are you? - always the question. see previous entry below for full explanation.

further adventures in greek world

well, lets see. my last post ended with things not looking really bright. it got worse. all the girls were so loud, and so i went downstairs and there was just one girl asleep on the couch, so i shut off the tv and laid down at the other end. i was getting more and more anxious and depressed, about going out and not sleeping or sleeping, not getting ready or getting ready. noisy girls came in and came over and said, "who's that on the couch? i don't recognize her face!" in a really harsh, rude, painful way- or at least it seemed that way to me. i yelled out that i was allie's sister, and heard them leave ignoring me, and i curled up deeper under my blanket and cried.
but those were the last tears of the weekend, and the evening went quickly up hill after that. when i went back upstairs to steal a towel from z, kimmie came over and said that she was just gonna find me, as samir had called and was coming over. so i started getting ready. they werent sure what they wanted to do, but i said i wanted to go out. so i started getting dressed up. samir came in right after i'd done my eyes. he was standing behind me as i was leaning over the sink, and said that he'd heard i wanted to go to rochester, and i turned around standing up, and said, "yes, of course, i'm all dressed out, i have to go out," and batted my false eyelashes at him. (i wore the purple sparkly ones) and he said something terribly apropriate, like wow! yes, you have to go out now that you're so dressed up, sure, lets go out." a called, cause it was friday. i felt so very known, and loved, and it put me in a great mood for the rest of the night. so me and kimmie z's roommate, and megs, her big sister, who had graduated but came back for spring weekend, and samiripoo of course, all went to alexander street. it was a fine bar, not alot of action. i was drinking tom colins, in honor of g. samir of course knows me, and kimmie is super sweet even though she's shy, and meg's is totally fun. so they were all nice to me. i was having a good time getting to know them and getting tipsy, and then 2 sorority boys came by and sucked up the conversation. they were total jerks, didn't even make eye contact with me. luckily kimmie didn't know them very well and talked with me. then z called to make sure we were having a good time. i hope she felt like the conversation went well, cause i felt like it cleared up alot of stuff that had been out there. a sort of threshold revalation phone call. (anyone get the angels in america reference?) that's my favorite thing about beign drunk and being around drunks- is that point of honesty. i felt like i needed to speak to how exiled i felt when she threw her camera at me and ran away, but then also that she shouldn't feel bad for going out with bob and i was indeed having a very good time with her friends. except for the sorority boys. she asked who they were, and i didn't know. the short one was piefucker, because he looks like the short guy in american pie. how charming. z said i wasn't missing anything, they weren't worth knowing. so when i came back and samir asked if i was ready to move on, i was all into it. the 4 of us went next door to mex and got a picher of margaritas. unfortunately they were out of strawberry and so samir just got plain. they were really salty, strong, and not that great. but there was a bench with little tables to crowd around. it was nice to sit even though it restricted my conversation to the person next to me. we played musical chairs a couple of times so i could keep engaged. i drank so much! trying to think when was worse. i probably was drunker than the fairies party, but i didn't get sick. i will never drink enough to be sick again. anyway, z and bob got back too late, so they didn't come out. samir was totally sweet. he says he likes being the designated driver. i don't think i would like it, drunk people are usally SO annoying when i'm sober. but he's really nice to us, humoring us all.

the next day was mizerable. why tequila? why? i must have been DRUNK when i thought it was a good idea. no crazy dreams, but i felt SO AWFUL 5 hours later when it was time for spring weekend. i got ready and kept sleeping on wherever z was rushing around being in charge. g put me in samir's care and we went on the first bus while she came on the 2nd with the stragglers. the first hour of the party was bad. i just curled up on someone's blanket and worried about sunburn. she came, finally, i got her suntan lotion, and then she went to be in charge and socalize, while i tried to nap. a few hours later, kimmie, who was part of the group around me, acknowlaged that i was a person not just a lump, and she asked if i was ok and if i'd eaten, and if i'd like her to get me a garden burger. i eventually gave up on sleeping, and feeling a little better for my rest got a pepsi. allie checked on me and said that she'd make me a real garden burger instead of the disgusting boca vegan ones. i was trying to be human but not really successful. after i ate, it was mostly better, though. ch and mom both called, and i whined to them. eventually i found single people and dyads to be a part of. there was a wonderful very very drunk girl ashley. she was the most adorable drunk- i'm so not impressed with most of the dphie girls who drink too much, but she was charming and conversational. and allie and samir both wanted me to have a good time. i don't know. i was really glad when the day was over, because everyone knew everyone else and this was there idea of fun, and i felt like a huge interloper, out of gossip, and often in the way or ignored. but then there were people who were phenominally kind. it's another example of how i feel like there's two trips here, happening simultaniously. or at least 2 versions. there's the exterior things that we did, then there's my interior world of how i felt the whole time. in my selfish blogging i assume you'd rather hear about my neurotic self centered thoughts than who threw up where and about brianna tatooing and flashing people. samir and z and i were going to the atomic eggplant for dinner, but it was closed! we drove a bit farther up monroe (?) and found oasis, another mediteranian restaurant they really like. we went home, and checked our email and stuff. z was really tired and took a nap. she didn't want to, but i begged her to take me to henrietta to get a desert. we got these amazing looking tortes- z got a chocolate raspberry one and mine was chocolate peanut butter. we ate them then watched finding neverland, which was very good, then went to bed.

this morning we ate breakfast with megs and kimmie, then took a walking tour of RIT. i took more pictures- it was a bright sunny day.

no one was out sun. morning, of course, and the gallery was closed, but i saw photos, and we got smothies in the funky coffee shop in the library. def. where i'd hang out if i went to RIT. z picked up a flyer for an antimeat meeting by the RIT vegetarian group, and i encouraged her to ride next week with critcal mass, so she took that one too. bob went with us on the way to the airport, to keep z company on the way back. he's an alright guy, i aprove of him as a suitable rebound. allie and i were really sisterly in our conversations, talking about music, our parents.

hanging out with z is so wierd. the cafe showed me a glimpse of the circles i would be in if i was in rochester. we're just such different people- it's not columbia that keeps me from being a greek- that's not my thing no matter where i would be. i imagined rit to be all biotech and IT majors. but i guess i would have been as likely to end up there as anywhere else. but then there's these strange things that are the same- these little habits, words, communications- at this point we are very careful with each other. then there is this huge shared history together- even for the years we didn't talk, we were still talking to our parents and others separately. just having a sister seems to be a new and exciting thing for me.
does this sound dark, disapointed, unenthusiastic? i don't mean for it to. i think when it comes down to it, i had a good time. when i think about all the things that could have gone wrong this weekend, it amazes me. none of them happened. i feel like a person full of cracks, and none of them broke open this weekend. escape, vacation is always good. i got to see and experience everything i wanted to (with the exception of the atomic eggplant) and just about everything lived up to my expections. what more could one ask for?


life in delta phi epsilon

well... i guess first i should tell you about getting here. i got to o'hare right on time, and i was trying to check in and they didn't have my ticket... and i figured out i was flying out of midway, not ohare. who knew? i didn't know united even flew out of midway. the agent couldn't help me and told me to call priceline. so i did, and she said to get to midway as fast as possible, and they could help me there. so i got in a cab, and traffic was TERRIBLE. i arrived at midway 30 min after my plane left. it cost 65 dollars. so, i'm waiting in line, and there's lots of tears through this whole process of course, and there are no more flights out of midway that night. HOWEVER, there is one flying out of o'hare... and i can fly standby on it. there were a few people who missed flights, and this nice guy in a suit, young with grey hair, was driving his rental car to his hotel beyond o'hare and offered to give rides. this story is getting to long. but it was a long day. so i was the only one who took curtis up on offer. he was interesting and sweet. he gave me money to buy dinner. when i got to o'hare they said my ticket was for midway, so they coudn't give me a flight. but the boss said since they told me and told me, she would do it. and- there were free seats on my standby! i got in! i made it to buffalo. z and samir picked me up at the airport. i was tired, but we stopped at wegmans on the way home. a neccesary rochester staple. its so big and wonderful! z wanted me to meet bob when we got home, but i couldn't stay up any later. i went to bed. but not soon enough. cause see, we had a lovely day in ithaca today- we went to the mooswood restaurant. yum! it met all of my expectations. but z's going to bob's formal tonight. so we coudn't spend much time shopping. when we got home i was tired from the day in the sun... so i can't relate. it's just awful, being surrounded by all these gossipy sorority sisters. i feel so alone. z was really mean to me when i was taking her and bob's picture before they left. i know it's cause she's nervous, but i was still hurt. i don't know if they would be friendly if i could make an effort, but i'm so tired... i forced myself to paint a bit, i got 2 1/2 more renderings done, which is almost half way. i laid down to take a nap, but then girls started talking next door. so i decided to type to you. i still have an hour before i have to get ready to go out tonight. hopefully it will be a small easily relateable group. but this doesn't bode well for tomorrow. i HOPE things will be better when z is around and we are at the event they have been talking about all the time. but somehow, i doubt it. i just hope she's remembering what a good time she and samir had with ch and i. but really, there's nothing in my life that compares to this. i don't know this many people... anywhere. if you count the paians and the germans and the chicagoians and all my school aquaitances... whatever. i need more sleep. i hope, hope hope i'm not mizerable till 2 in the morning. i hope i don't regret coming. i don't wanna cry anymore this weekend.



i think g forgot that she was going to come over tonight. i left a message on her voice mail. now i must finish packing alone. perhaps i'll just read my book...
i got my set design sketched out in class today, and i'll have all day monday to finish it, so i'm so under control. i have no homework items hanging over my head anymore, though there's always renderings and paper editing to do. got a b on electra, which i wasn't really happy with, but her criticizms were valid. got a b+ on my artifact paper about ruth, which is fine, but he gave only positive comments. i think if you only give positive comments, the student should get an a. i think professors should work hard on their grading since their students are working hard on the projects. in the costume shop today patty said we're halfway done with the semester. i was horrified. only half way! i don't think i'll make it.
started stiching for she stoops to conquer today. i don't get to drape any fun dresses. i'm in charge of pants. patty and i are making these incredible button flap pants. they have a left facing and a right facing that go over each other to secure the waistband, leaving an opening below for easy access. then there's a flap that folds up to cover the hole. all in all, i made 10 buttonholes on my one pair of pants- rediculous! they were looking GOOD by the end, though. buttonholes to be proud of.


procrastinating even the good stuff

i really, really don't wanna due my set design. so i'm putting it off by transfering my renderings to watercolor paper. but i don't really wanna do that either. so i'm procrastinating by packing for rochester. but i'm not into that, apparently, either, cause i'm blogging.
but all those really need to get done tonight. before class tomorrow. before taking them to paint in rochester. i don't wanna pack without a rochester weather report... but i need to, after doing a classic crush thing. so on sat i pouted to g, "will i see you again before i leave?" and she said call me. so i did on sunday, then again this afternoon, about getting together tonight. and she was like, oh, i thought it was thursday... so she has a meeting tonight, and was gonna go to the library after that. but tomorrow. no, i say. i have class tomorrow night. i didn't make it easier for her. perhaps we could have a comming back dinner? she says. i snap, i won't have any food that's still good by then. i'm sending my "ditch the library and party with me" vibes over the phone line. but of course, the stakes aren't as high for her, and i give in first. so she's coming over after my night class tomorrow. she is NOT going to stay too late, though.
wear the FUCK is my sexy tank top? the one with the v neck and the ring between the boobs? not that i have any to show off, but this shows a DEFINITE shadow. i think it's been stolen from my laundry. i've turned the house upside-down.
however i alread have too much clothing. i am NOT buying another shirt to meet the sorority girls.
i'm gonna go and see if i can find it.
or if you have any other suggestions? navy 8eyelet doc martins, sparkly silver tights, lots of pockets and buttons blue satin mini skirt, false eyelashes. max of 50 outside, hot in the bars. i'm at a loss. perhaps i'll consult g tomorrow....


for justine

ok, so first of all, feel free to skip this entry and scroll down to the good stuff. just, justine taunted me with this meme... now, there's two problems with it. one, it's way too long and getting longer- 190 items. second, you have to bold the ones that are true for you. and as you may recall, this safari using mac girl doesn't have fancy stylistic options. i just figured out page breaks. so i'm going to try and fix it. these are ONLY the items that are true for me.
001. I miss somebody right now.
006. I wear glasses or contact lenses.
011. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
015. I curse frequently.
017. I have a hobby.
018. I've been to another country.
020. I'm really, really smart *snickers*.
022. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
023. I love rain.
024. I'm paranoid at times.
026. I need money right now.
028. I talk really, really fast sometimes.
030. I have semi-long hair.
032. I have at least one brother and/or sister.
039. I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months.
040. I know how to do cornrows.
041. I am usually pessimistic.
042. I have mood swings.
046. I have a hidden talent.
048. I've been sexually intimate with less than ten people.
049. I am currently single.
050. I have kissed someone of the same sex.
054. I would rather shop than eat.(depending on what it's for and what's in the kitchen..)
057. I'm obsessed with my blog!
060. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington.
061. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
062. I have a cell phone.
067. I have never been in a real relationship before.
069. I currently have a crush on someone.
070. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
072. I have changed a diaper before.
077. I have a lot to learn.
080. I am very shy around the opposite sex.
083. I have been rejected by someone.
086. I have avoided work to play on blogger.
089. I love my best friends.
096. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
100. I have gone scuba diving. (but only in a swimming pool)
101. I've had a crush on somebody you have never met.
102. I've kissed someone I knew I shouldn't.
103. I play a musical instrument.
105. I'm procrastinating on something right now.
106. I own and use a library card.
107. I fall in "lust" more than in "love."
108. Cheese enchiladas rock my socks.
111. I am resentful that I have to grow up.
112. I am an entirely different person around different people. (almost off the list, still working on it)
113. I think the world would be a better place if people just smiled more often.
115. I am suffering of a broken heart.
116. I am a nerd.
117. No matter where I am or who I'm with, I always seem to be lonely.
119. I try not to change who I am for someone.
121. I have had sex with someone I was not in a relationship with.
122. I enjoy smoothies.
126. Some people call me by a nickname.
128. I like pumpkin pie.
130. I own over 200 CDs.
132. I don't have the ability to make decisions without changing my mind.
133. People tell me I have a horrible sense of humor.
135. I'm looking for love in all the wrong places.
136. I have a tendency to fall for the wrong girls
137. I'll try anything three times.
139. I'm having trouble sleeping.
143. Sloth is my favorite deadly sin.
144. One of my boobs is bigger than the other though not noticed by others.
147. I love comfort food.
150. I can walk a mile without feeling like I'm going to die over.
151. I am a college student.
152. I love/like to cook.
156. I generally get along with my parents.
158. I like to sing.
160. I have things that I want to say to people, but I won't/can't because I don't want to hurt/be hurt by them.
161. I'm not "mainstream" when it comes to religion.
162. I've counted down the days until the summer.
163. I've fulfilled someone's dare at a party or gathering.
164. I challenge people to duels, and when I do, I mean it.
171. I own more than three items of vinyl clothing. (no, but i think i need to. it's a goal rather than acomplishment)
172. I read hardcore Christian Bible Tracts because I think they're funny.
173. I hate to drive.
175. I come from a highly religious family and have chosen to keep a major part of my life secret from my family for now because I know they will disown me the day they find out.
181. I have a more active online social life than IRL.
182. Sometimes, I actually like my job.
183. I am always cold. (at least my feet!)
184. I think too much.
185. I want to be in movies.
187. I can sit in the dark all alone and feel comfortable.
188. I can't go a day without reading something.
190. I have an unhealthy obsession with my iPod.
191. i don't wear pants.

there, i eliminated over half of them. still, i'm sorry you had to read so far. and justine says this will make it bold. so be glad. and you can visit her here if you want to see what i deleted (which is also interesting, i'm sure)

anthromorphous ipod

that is a non-live object acting like something alive, right? it's not in my thesaurus... although i'm sure it's spelled wrong.
anyway, while caitlin was studiously painting her renderings last night, aparently pearl was out getting drunk at some wild dance party. because this morning when caitlin put pearl on shuffle, what did she play?

fever-over the rhine
lime rock, etc- appalachian journey
everest- andy stochansky
something so right- annie lennox
the barefoot ballroom - the story
flatline- eliza gilkison
i want you back- hoodoo gurus
paradox- sarah jahn
winona- matthew sweet
mysterons- portishead
sweep down early- innocence mission
la serenissima- lorenna mckennit
the vanishing- stars

now, is that hungover music or what? the night before's songs were dada's 8 track, these boots are made for walking, mr e's beautiful blues... so it's not my fault for only loading on sleepy music. yawn. my ipod needs to go to bed early tonight.
this did NOT inspire me to rock out walking between classes.
as far as they go, it's not looking good, folks. we'll see what happens. hopefully i'll be able to get alot of painting done tomorrow, so i can use my colored pencils on the plane. cause i don't think they travel really well. i also have to design a set and have the ground plan done by monday. i printed out a copy of the plan for the theater, though, so i can fold that up and just work on a tray-table section at a time. i'll need to remember to take my usitt guidelines with me, though. and then i'll have to draft in on good vellum... sometime. maybe after class next monday. i think my brain's going to explode. i just got back from the diner where my styles and crafts group was working on our commedia del arte project. sorry, i know this is banal, but will you all work through it with me for a minute?
s&c (theater history) read play for wends (done), get to class early on monday to set stage, bring cane
set design: ground plan due mon: print pics, get usitt standards, ruler, work on it on flight there
costume design: transfer all sketches tomorrow, paint in rochester, colored pencil detail on way home. due week from mon.
creative nonfiction: do readings on plane. edit paper either in flight or tuesday night. due wends. put off journal entries for a few weeks.
that doesn't seem so bad. it's only 4 classes. my 5th is my practicum for sweet water taste which is thankfully done. as long as i get the ground plan done, and make an effort on the paintings, it all will be ok. and i should even have time to have a ROCKING time in ROCHESTER with Z! zoom zoom zelda! see you thursday! (z, i mean. that's when i'll probably leave you all, as with the above work, and all the fun we'll be having, i don't think i'll have time to post)


20 minutes

just finished the dishes (again) and i only have 20 min to post before i MUST get painting! i started to (way too) late last night, and realized that i still needed to alter my costumes to fit my bodies. so i did that- then realized that it was only half swatched. so i needed to see the fabrics before i started painting (i've done it without before, and it was not a good idea.) so, after reading my 5 creative non fic. readings and my play for theater history, i took a shower and went grocery shopping, then i took the trek to vogue. it being sunday, i just missed the bus and had to wait 20 min! booo #6! if they go through with the threats of service cuts, you can bet my butt will be out of chicago the second i graduate, if not before. i was able to get almost everything at vogue, and came home and started cooking dinner... i've been craving samosas for over a week, and the ones at rajun cajun are too spicy. i wanted homemade baked ones. so i made them tonight. and then of course, if you're going to all that trouble, you might as well make some dahl and rice... luckily i knew to make a full batch of samosas. i get so sick of rolling out the little things, but they taste so good and if you're going to be cooking for almost 2 hours anyway, make enough to last the week.
unfortunately, the rice was the only thing i got perfect. i ran out of white flour so had to use 1/2 wheat, which is acceptable. but i put in a full 2T of lemon juice, which is TOO MUCH- i've done this before. i've made a note in my cookbook this time.
and the dahl! i'm such a terrible dahl maker! it's so bitter. i don't know what it is. perhaps my mustard seed? they're split seeds- they look more like split peas than the round little balls, and they might blend too well. the recipie i was using said NOT to use yellow, only black. or perhaps lentils do that on their own if you cook them too long? i did have them simmering for a really long time. a, do you know? or what i can do now? i added a little honey, which will make it edible, but it's still not that great.
while at the grocery store today i was contimplating all the blogs i've read about grocery shopping. or thoughts one has there. it made me realize that good blogs, rather than being a list of everything that's done that day, focus on one happening and analize it, usally in a humorous manner. i will see if i can work on this.


comment replies, again

in alpha order:

a- yes, it's rochester, ny, not nyc. no, it was me i was talking about, i don't recognise the me i was back then. i hope you didn't sound like i was saying you're an alcholic and you sleep around. it's more the whole package. the hypochondria, paranoia, etc. just kidding. but you took it as a complement, so i'm glad! i think she dedicates hard laughter to her dad, but mom stole my copy back.

cecilia- i think finding fillipinos would just make me shy in comparison! it sounds like you have fun, though. the thing about christians is they're big on the whole family aspect, and they HAVE to like you cause jesus did. i'm really glad i've been scrapbooking. it's hard for me to remember before 98 because of it. i have some random pictures before that, though, and i'm really glad of them. i think there's nothing that gives you more confidence than knowing you becoming who you're meant to become. and thanks for your comment on my overwhelmed post. it was totally encouraging. hopefully i too will produce better work because of my annoyance! and i'm so glad to hear i'm not the only person who tries to convince their parents to tell them they should do what they want to. if i want to do something, but think i shouldn't. i always get my mom to talk me into it. then if SHE says so, i'm ok with it. it does fall through though, if they say it's a bad idea!

jamie: yes, i was thinking of your nostalgia, too. it's funny how everyone views their past selves differently. time is such a difficult concept to get one's brain around. it's regina spektor that i think erin mckowen sounds like. and i'm getting my thoughts together on that whole cd. i'll send it too you soon.

justine: it was ani that made me want to live in the city- i love having a 14th street. walking back to g's last night with my skirt hiked up so i could take big steps, i thought, "and when i'm aproached in a dark alley, i don't lift my skirt." and i'm glad i can put these hints in my blog, knowing you'll get them!

meike, michi, ruth, z: come on! you can do it! i know you can!

still in love

so, went over to g's last night about 9.30 with my movies and snacks. we decided we wanted alcohol, but the only thing she had in the freezer was nasty strong rum of anne's. so i came back home and got the vanilla vodka and godiva. meanwhile she had picked her movie of choice and arranged the "theater." we had all this snack food and coke and liquor and cushy chairs and it was certainly a party. the frats across the hall were having a real party, and it was truely incredible how loud they were. granted, the living room is at the front of the house right by the door, but still...
i sat on the beanbag chair and she sat on the couch beind me and gelled my hair. we drank vanilla vodka in coke, and ate mint milanos, pretzels, honey sesame sticks, prezels and m&ms. i took my netflix (im juli and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind) and kissing jessica stein, which she really needs to see. she was a bit sheepish, but she said im juli sounded really good, and since i own kjs, we can keep it for later... so we watched im juli. an AWESOME movie! i'm fans, and i mean that in the plural. it reminded her of our party the last day she stayed with me before third year. and i told her i was writing my profile paper about her, and it was about that weekend, and i recounted it all for her- i would do it for you, but in a few weeks i'm going to post the paper, so i don't want to repeat. anyway, it was lovely to reminice. afterwards, i was talking about my new photos and we went to her room so i could pull them up on her computer. we ended up watching her photos on her screensaver, laying in her bed chatting till 2am. i was the one who said i have to get home so i can work tomorrow. i love being the one who says that.
and then i typed the paper to her all day today, realizing she is much better to me than i deserve.
talked with mom today. i wasok. she was ok. it will all be ok. i still don't wanna meet her at moosewood.


links to pics

depressed self portrait
new target lights
misquito netting cave
a winter pilaf dinner
kristin and sushi
fuzzy mairee

sleepless nights

after my fight with mom, i could NOT sleep. i called a. in tears, i finally ended up taking chemical sleeping pills. felt gross and groggy this morning, but they worked, and that's what's important. felt much better this morning, and as i was telling my story to charles, realized how rediculous i sound. it was obviously much more intense for me than it really was. and i was working with way too much subtext. i got more pictures back from york. i'll post the links as soon as i imbed them in my blog. after work i had to take fucking frances's figures to the film&theater annex. i had called this morning to tell her i was going to be stopping by, but she STILL wasn't there. i left another angry message on her voice mail. i was glad not to be critiqued on them today. AND, ch said he was feeling in the mood for pizza. so we met at boni vino! yum! i haven't been there in such a long time, it seems. their pizza is so good. it's so funny, we always have the same thing: a small pizza, half pepparoni, half broccoli, a glass of chianti for him and a coke and raspberry (they don't have vanilla) vodka for me. he got news today that evy and the kids are moving to austin in june- 6 months before he expected. also, rafa looks like he's staying in the city much longer than previously suspected. so no big chicks for charles for awhile. but me and the girls can go. g and i are getting together tonight, i think to watch a movie and wax my hair. but if i get my second wind and there are alot of her roomates around, perhaps we'll go to big chicks. i don't know- i think after g leaves, i'm going to move to the north side. i mentioned this to ch at dinner, and he whipped out his reader and and started telling me about apartments. he's a great apartment guide- he knows the neigborhood they are all in, and how close they are to public transit. i sent a text message to mom saying i'm ready to talk, so we'll see what happens when she calls. a. called me back on my way to 14th street (the garbage swirls like a cyclone) she was totally sweet and sympathetic. it should be good enough for me, having g and a in my life, being so kind and loving to me. who needs a mother?


depressed late night conversation

mom signed online, back from florida.she ims me. she wants to meet allie and me at moosewood restaurant. i say that i'd rather not, and when i ask about her weekend, she repeats it back to me- i'm so angry that i close the window.
she continues:
FunkySheep: It was interspersed with doing things with Marty's mom but she didn't seem to mind us ditching her.
Rainheads: forgive me for being a fragile person.'
you have no idea what's going on in my life right now!
you wouldn't have even known i was going to ny if allie hadn't told you!
i am mizerable, i'm going to drop out of school, and you can't see it.
do you know what my week's been like?
Rainheads: do you know what my life's like?
i wouldn't want to tell you because you're so optimisic!
FunkySheep: maybe you should and I'll try to be realistic.
Rainheads: maybe i should. maybe i'm tired of typing
FunkySheep: why don't you call me then?
Rainheads: it's so much effort to interupt conversation to tell you- and you usally make me feel worse.
FunkySheep: interrupt what conversation.
FunkySheep: so what happened.?
Rainheads: i don't know! about your vaccuum cleaner! i only have 2 minutes until the phone goes out!
FunkySheep: I meant do you want to call me tonight.
Rainheads: no, thank you
FunkySheep: so what is going on?
Rainheads: frances is being her usual self
FunkySheep: that's bad.
FunkySheep: Is she going to keep you from graduating.
Rainheads: not if i do the work
FunkySheep: Does she want do-overs?
Rainheads: always
FunkySheep: what else is going on?
Rainheads: i'm just tired, thats all
FunkySheep: and mad at me
Rainheads: i thought, "do you want me to come to eat at moosewood with you and allie?" was a question, not a command
FunkySheep: It was a question. the rest sounded angry and disappointed
Rainheads: then why were you so mean and sarcastic back?
FunkySheep: I think maybe I'm bad at this media.
Rainheads: i'm bad at the telephone
FunkySheep: I didn't want to keep asking you another day if I could join you for lunch, so I thought it would be best if i dropped it and you could invite me if you changed your mind.
FunkySheep: I thanked you for being glad that I had fun on my little vacation.
Rainheads: i didn't wanna be mean and say "NO" just because i'm in a bad mood. i don't know if when i'm in an ok mood what my answer will be
Rainheads: as i recall, when i asked about your vacation you said you wanted ME to ask you again tomorrow, repeating my statement back
FunkySheep: and i am naturally optimistic but I can try and tone it down, on
FunkySheep: request
Rainheads: what i need is you poor things.
and not why don't you try harder to do this, and you can make it better, and not, oh yes, i understand, my life is hard too.
just oh you poor things
FunkySheep: I think this is an IM problem. asking another day refered to lunch.
FunkySheep: well you poor thing I'm not even sure what the problem is.
FunkySheep: But I can be generally sympathetic.
Rainheads: i'm trying hard to separate here.
i don't know how to communicate what i need to communicate and hold onto what i need to not say.
Rainheads: also had a wierd dream about you last week.
FunkySheep: ok
FunkySheep: what happened?
Rainheads: can we just leave it at it made me more inclined to blow up at you when you percieved to be rude and sarcastic?
FunkySheep: I guess we can.
Rainheads: subconcious is just too strange
FunkySheep: That's true.
FunkySheep: I'm sorry you are feeling so badly.
FunkySheep: We both should go to bed.
Rainheads: thank you for your sympathy. i apriciate it.
yes- i have a little more work to do
FunkySheep: but I'll stay up if there is something else you need to say tonight.
Rainheads: that's nice of you, but i'm sure i've already said more than i should have
FunkySheep: It's better to say it. Being blind sided is a scary surprise.
Rainheads: fuck. i'm sorry. i'll go to bed now.
FunkySheep: Don't be sorry. We are both doing well enough even if its not our best.
Rainheads: glad you feel that way
FunkySheep: I hope so


have i mentioned how much i hate my advisor? frances- she's also teaching my advanced costume design class. i talked about how she singled me out for needing remedial drawing tutoring? well. remember those 13 renderings i drug myself though on sat. at g's? and then i was gonna paint one, but didn't get it done- which was ok because on monday she said they were all out of proportion, and i (jared, too, luckily) needed to bring in figure drawings for my characters. i said if i did, i wouldn't have enough time to complete it on time, and she said we'd have a special meeting for her to see them. that's tomorrow for me. it's just agony. i dispise drawing so much. and nothing will ever be good enough for her. my proportions weren't that far off. i guess 1/2 inch is significant for a 8-9 inch person. but i think i'll be able to alter the drawings i've already got, rather than start all over again. but i hate this. i think one should have less and less work and feel better and better about themselves the farther one gets in a project. but not with frances. every time i go to class there's more work, and every time i sit down to draw again i feel worse and less happy with my work. i don't care at all again. i never want to do this again, certainly not in real life. i really want to quit now, i'm so sick of school and don't feel i can make it. but all i need is a c and i'll only have 2 more classes with frances left. i'm so angry this project is due the day i come back from rochester. as if i don't have enough problems with my other classes. perhaps z should go to bob's formal and leave me at home to paint in the kitchen. grrrr. i don't wanna do this but i'll have to. i feel so very untalented and unable. lots of crumpled tracing paper. lots of tears. some screaming, too. wanted to call my mother and tell her how i'm flipping, but she's never as encouraging as i hope, and she won't give me permission to quit, which is all i want. and i'm still angry at her. because of the dream, and in real life as she hasn't given me a chance to mention rochester in conversation. i wonder if she'll call before i leave?



yesterday i was going though it big time. i don't think my pictures from 18th and ashland are going to come back in time (ie, for class on monday) so i was looking through my scrapbook, trying to find the ones ruth took. then i went back to the scrapbook before that, my first one, my senior year through leaving for chicago. looking for pictures of mom's house. instead i found not back to school camp (i'd forgotten about my bare feet obsession then) my 18th birthday (god, i was such a christian then) indoor color guard.... i remember this person so well, but i feel i have so little in common with her now. i was definately feeling like i didn't know who i was then, but i felt like i was heading towards her. and i Do feel like i'm who i'm supposed to be, a fully realized version of myself at this point. but i had no idea that this was who i was aiming towards. in some ways, i think the old caitlin would be in awe and amazement, but other things she would find upsetting. going through scrapbooks and my memory, i was reminded of how important and essential my faith was for me. it seems that shaped so much of who i was then, how can i be the same person now with that piece gone? i have the pictures of church camp, vacation bible school, the kids for christ choir, the program for my commissioning.. it opened up, and i saw the song i picked. that's what i miss most about being a christian. not my ticket to heaven, not my moral guide, not my privilege of prayer, or the comfort of jesus being with me, but the songs. the opertunity once a week to go for free to where my friends were, and we all sang fun songs together. where else in the culture can you do that? i miss singing with others in public. i miss that repitoire. i then went to cook dinner and put godspell on the record player. i thought about going back to church just once to sing, and leaving before the sermon. but really, i think that's a bad idea. church always depresses me. i bumped into the pastor's wife in the grocery store on sunday. we were friendly, which was weird- i suppose being rude would have been wierder. she's like, well, you know we just had easter last week. and i nod, i don't say, actually, i would have missed it if ch and jack hadn't made a big deal out of it. ch bought these cute sequined bunny boxes that he filled with candy for mia and diego. jack crossstiched ch a bookmark- it's rainbow striped with a pink triangle at the top, and crh down the center. truely hideous. i'm trying to find a context, like what great aunt mary makes at pflag meetings in arizona. ch never uses his r. or maybe that's the side of him i don't know- the h is our work relationship, the c is our friendship- but he always makes notes with ch for me. it's so convienent- in the spanish alphabet, it's only one letter, and it is just one sound- the first sound of his first name, and convieniently the initials of his first and last names. crh. crossstiched. sheesh. all i can say is, the sex better be good.

i'm so overwhelmed with work. NOT prepared to fly to new york in a week. i'm going to be painting renderings on the plane. and i MUST do my fucking figures for frances for friday. i'm so sick of drawing- i wanna paint. oh, and i have a paper to write this weekend too. and a little one for stupid theater history. grr. too much work.

still warmish in chicago although it's supposed to break with thunderstorms tonight. no sign of them yet. i wore my burgandy velour buttondown over a tank top today, and now that i'm home i see the velour has bled and i have purple fuzziness in my armpits. it looks like a bruise or strange rash.

my new ear piercing hurts a bit. i asked helen for my medicated soap back, but i don't know when she'll get it too me. i'm fine if i don't bump it or think about it. sleeping has been going better than expected. i have 8 holes in my body now. am comparing the virtues of 8 vs. 10, but until this one heals (august) it will be a moot point.

finished anne lamot's new book. she's really aged gracefully. it makes me happy, as i think getting older is something to fear, but it's totally mellowed her out, and she seems very peaceful. however, this makes less interesting stories than being a alchoholic, bulimic, paranoid, liberal, hilarious, charming hypocondriac. although she's still liberal, hilarious and charming. i wonder what a. thinks. i've always seen them as similar characters, and i'm wondering if she's finding it hopeful as i am, or just harder to relate.

to z- i'm rinsing my dishes. not washing, but at least rinsing.

my PTSD flashbacks of the fire, smelling smoke, etc. seem to have ended for now. i can't discribe how greatful i am. one less thing to worry about.

to jamie- how do i get that fast as i can song out of my HEAD!? "in a strange bed, a strange bed, bedfellows strange." ch just got this prerelease of some russian chick- rowena something- that sounds much like her.

enough! i'm going to read your blogs now.


strange dreams and other overstimulation

this morning was so long ago- i wish i had had a chance then to turn on my computer and write when i was first feeling it all. so i had the creepyist dream last night. my mother had died. i'm not sure when exactly this was, i think the present. anyway, allie and i had to go back home and take care of things. and something else big was happening, like the chicago marathon, so everyone was in town. and so i was organizing all sorts of random people, in town for mom's funeral or the marathon- my aunt janet and her kids, the pastor of my church in chicago, my mom's best friend penny. the undertaker was the head of the scene shop at school- he was really nice and gave me a ride home where z was coralling all the guests. i went upstairs and into mom's room, where z was a sobbing mess on the bed. i climbed into mom's closet to smell her, and started to break down. when i was done- or made myself be- i came out and z and i started to fight, but we made up quickly cause we're friends now, and she went downstairs to deal with the guests while i called the undertaker. i went into my room where the phone was and mom's dresser was there and i slowly started to wake up- the relief of mom being alive was very minor compared with the horrendous sadness that that's NOT mom's house. there are strangers walking up those light wood steps, the cedar closet has someone else's clothes in it, the pink chair is gone. it feels like dreams i have about my grandma. (the one who's died, not the one i lie to about my religion and sexuality). it made me just furious at my mother- that she would sell everything of her old life, get rid of everything down to the cats, and create this new life with a new family. the world i was dreaming about is dead- those people, that house. her life is now on top of a mountian, in a funky piece of modern architecture with a jewish husband and a grandbaby on the way. i feel very hurt- which isn't uncommon for me- but also very, very, angry, which is strange. anger isn't an emotion i have much practice with. at the end of this entry in my dream journal this morning, i wrote " if she dies now, it's marty's problem, not ours." i feel like a stone hearted person, harboring such hatred for my mother, who has done nothing wrong but fallen in love.


scenic painting!

oh delight! i got an email from grant last night saying this is the week to paint the set for she stoops to conquer! i was free to paint today and friday night. all day long, i went to my classes in expectaton- i didn't feel like lugging around extras, so i wore my painting clothes all day. in set design we went to pilsen to take photos. we have to design a set with a house based on photos we took today. it made me nostalgic, and missing ruth. who doesn't love the amazing jumping bean cafe? it was a beautiful clear sunny day today- it seems we've been getting more than our fair share of those recently. like, all of a sudden it's april and 1/2 are days are clear. work was all lame mending. then those 13 drawings i did at g's on saturday? i'm glad i never got around to transfering them last night. cause i have to do them again. frances was in a rare good mood today, and she seemed to really like my designs, which is good- quite a relief. however, i need to show her people sketches on friday, then re-clothe them for monday and have them rendered by next monday. bleck. i wish i could draw. luckily jared has to show her figures, too, so it's not just me with remedial drawing skills. grrrr. BUT! after her class i decompressed with my salad and my anne lamott, and then i went to the scene shop where grant was waiting for me!! he was removing ceiling tiles, trying to make enough room for the drops to stand up. i helped him, but it didn't quite work. we ended up just painting them on the floor. they're muslin covered theater flats, and they'd been primered already, and so i taped the windows (so we'd get minimal paint on them) and then grant taught me to... shoot! i can't remember what it's called! spackle, smudgen, schreken, ,spurfen... anyway, you take a brush in each hand, and one's light paint and the other's dark, and you kinda weave the strokes together. it makes a really nice texture, and isn't as hard as it looks. then we splattered on it with 4 different browns. it should be a good base. the fireplace and the door weren't dry yet, so we couldn't start those. but i'll be back friday! i love scenic painting. i just do what i'm told, and i get to mess around with these great big vats of color, these brushes as big as my hands. you slap it on, you make a mess. you haul around big wooden things and you grunt. it's a great combintation of feeling like you're being creative, but also hard physical labor. and the creative part isn't really hard mental work, like meticulous costume renderings, or even planning what part of your watercolor stays white or where your shadows and highlights should be. it's just copying the model. only Big! and in Color! i felt so alive when i was leaving. the sun was setting and the sky was pink fading to blue, pearl was playing andy stochansky, an el train was rumbling by, my dreadlocks were exploding out of my bandana and my chuck taylors were covered in paint. i must remember this, how alive painting makes me feel. this is what i'm paying for: when i'm in a down mood, so blue i can't move, when the tiniest things shoot me there, that's just the flip side of this. to feel no sadness is to feel no happiness. that wanting to crawl out of my skin and die friday nights is balanced with wanting to burst out of my skin with joy spring evenings.