agony

have i mentioned how much i hate my advisor? frances- she's also teaching my advanced costume design class. i talked about how she singled me out for needing remedial drawing tutoring? well. remember those 13 renderings i drug myself though on sat. at g's? and then i was gonna paint one, but didn't get it done- which was ok because on monday she said they were all out of proportion, and i (jared, too, luckily) needed to bring in figure drawings for my characters. i said if i did, i wouldn't have enough time to complete it on time, and she said we'd have a special meeting for her to see them. that's tomorrow for me. it's just agony. i dispise drawing so much. and nothing will ever be good enough for her. my proportions weren't that far off. i guess 1/2 inch is significant for a 8-9 inch person. but i think i'll be able to alter the drawings i've already got, rather than start all over again. but i hate this. i think one should have less and less work and feel better and better about themselves the farther one gets in a project. but not with frances. every time i go to class there's more work, and every time i sit down to draw again i feel worse and less happy with my work. i don't care at all again. i never want to do this again, certainly not in real life. i really want to quit now, i'm so sick of school and don't feel i can make it. but all i need is a c and i'll only have 2 more classes with frances left. i'm so angry this project is due the day i come back from rochester. as if i don't have enough problems with my other classes. perhaps z should go to bob's formal and leave me at home to paint in the kitchen. grrrr. i don't wanna do this but i'll have to. i feel so very untalented and unable. lots of crumpled tracing paper. lots of tears. some screaming, too. wanted to call my mother and tell her how i'm flipping, but she's never as encouraging as i hope, and she won't give me permission to quit, which is all i want. and i'm still angry at her. because of the dream, and in real life as she hasn't given me a chance to mention rochester in conversation. i wonder if she'll call before i leave?