it's been a day of surviving. work has just been crazy steady. not busy, per say, but summer is supposed to be dead slow. we'd beat last years month by tuesday. we ended the month at something like 35% ahead of last year. keep buyin the flowers, baby! when we fall it's gonna come hard.

got a dykediva email, to help me make my weekend plans. i can't decide if i wanna ride my bike with them all again tomorrow or not. it just starts so dang early. the link had pictures of us from the last ride, but it's quite small, and i can't get the url from it, so i don't think it's worth posting. but i will give you a link to pictures from the dyke march so that you can see all the lovely ladies i was marching with last saturday.

my goddess, what a week it's been. and now i get a killer weekend- 4 crazy days. i feel like i should go somewhere. but i'm going to just stay home (or go out bike riding) and sew. while reading the time out chicago today, i suddenly had this burning desire to go downtown and see the fireworks at grant park while the orchestra plays on the 3rd. i know never to go down to the lakefront alone at night, it just makes me too depressed to be alone, but still, i wanted to do it, and no one else will be willing to brave the 2.5 million other people trying to stake a claim to some grass. but then i told ch and he said he'd had a hankerin to go this year too, so i think that's what we'll do. he's gonna persuade hugo to come, too. i don't know why it's better to have a snuggling couple ON the same blanket as you instead of next to you, but it just is. i went to the grocery store after work today. have i mentioned i'm just not into eating, these days? i never did make that soup. last night after work i skipped dinner, but there was wine and cheese at the book release party, and i had some of that and it was good. i was tellign ch how i haven't been hungry for anything lately, but the wine and cheese was good. and he said i should just eat that for awhile, and it sounded really good. so i bought raw veggies, 3 kinds of cheese, 2 kinds of crackers, this huge bag of cherries. i made taco salad when i got home, and ate half of it, and then i was still hungry, so i ate the other half, too. so nibbling such things is my plan for the weekend- we'll see if i'm tired (or out of!) picnic food before the 3rd comes!

another road trip i'm thinking about after reading TOC is milwalkee. it's only an hour by greyhound, and i really wanna go to the museum. it's wonderful any day, but right now they're having an exhibit about comics that sounds facinating. it's been such a long time since i explored a new city by myself, it seems. so if i get my sewing done this wekend, maybe some weekend soon i can do that little daytrip. sigh. it's like going to wurtzberg from nürnberg.

enough. i need to clean the cat box, clean the refrigerator, take out the trash, and read my mail before i go to bed. and if i want to go to the dykes pedalling bikes tomorrow, that needs to happen quite soon.



nasty funk last night. a's voice across the cell phone was a lifeline. stomped tiredly into the costume shop this morning and christopher said, "hello, how are you today?"
i replied, "not real great. i'm pretty much a mess emotionally."
he said, "aw, come here darling" and gave me a big hug.
then he told me i was tactful and sweet. it was perfect- tactful seems like such a wierd thing to say, but it was EXACTLY what i needed to hear- the very adjective- the hand of the goddess working through people in my life.
i said he smelled good, and he said, "look at you today! you say you don't have breasts, but i see them! why today i'm going to call you the woman of wolmosdorf" i said of where? and he said it was the name of that lovely famous ancient ancient statue. i can't remember the actual name now though. pity i only kept my art history 2 book.

anyway, less fun in the costume shop, with frances always around. but we got out early, and so i went to eat lunch with ch at the flowershop, and then went to the fashion designers. she's a bit harried, she has a meeting with a buyer for macy's soon, so she's trying to get all her samples done. so instead of giving me the fabric for all the pants, she has me patterning and making a sample for a coat and another pair of pants. fun!

got home and rested a few minutes before going to women and children first for the reading and book release party for robert's new book, a field guide to gay and lesbian chicago. it was really good- he and his co-author kathie are really funny. i love w&cf so much- always spend money, every time i go. saw something perfect for l, but didn't buy it- am quite proud of myself. a needs to come to chicago so we can go there together- it is full of books that remind me of her. anyway, i had robert and kathie sign my book, and kathie wrote- thanx caitlin- you're hot!

a was telling me i should recite afirmations, last night. but look at me, getting afirmations from other people. it's really good. i'm trying to fully appriciate it, and remove myself from my slump.



haven't been sleeping enough, but this is crazy. i'm just dead tonight- maybe i'm getting sick. slow day at the flowershop, ended up talking to jen and to meike, so that was exciting. she called to see if z was gonna fly through frankfurt, or if she could start making weekend plans. i apologized for my little sis's lack of communcation and caught up with her.

but then came home, knowing i HAVE to make that soup tonight. and get started on the pants. but i couldn't bear to, so i laid down, finished my book, pet the cat, watched the clock go around. finally, an hour after i got home, i got out the cookbook, inspected the wrinkling vegetables, and opened a can of soup and had some left over salads for dinner. now i've eaten but i don't have any more energy. there's no way i can get those pants cut out tonight. i hope i can sleep. cause all i want to do is go to bed. it has to happen, and soon.


pride, etc.

you know after the dyke march, pride itself was gonna be a let down. still, i had a really great time. ch was my wake up call, telling me it was raining. so i was sad but undetered. i found ashley and carrie, and joe and jill and tina were with them. we hung out, in varyig degrees of hung over, until the parade started. christopher and david found me there, and the three of us started walking north. i wanted to find tom and bob from the costume shop, but they were on halsted and we weren't willing to miss any of the parade to cut across from broadway. so we ended up walking most of the parade route backwards. i tried to find ch, and it was fruitless and made me frustrated. but i was with christopher and david. we hung out in front of gentry after the parade ended, and ch and hugo found us there. we started wandering, but the bars were packed, so we went to the 7-11 parking lot and they bought a 6-pack. i saw carlos and hung out with him while they were buying their beer. at this point i was getting frustrated and testy and hungry. i wanted a place to sit down and eat my salads, and the curbs were filthy and the crouds were drunk, and it was just nasty. there were waits to get into every bar, and then christopher pulls us into xo. the bouncer says there's plenty of space- he's carding to keep the drunks out, not because the space is full. so we go out to their back patio. there are palm leaf fans, a wall of green ivy, cloth napkins. it was so refreshing and restful and clean. christopher and david both had lychee drinks and i had a ginger one. so lovely. the food was amazing. christopher had shitake mushrooms with leek and lotus root, i had wax and green beans with water chestnuts in garlic-teryaki sauce, and david had sea scallops with pumpkin dumplings and we all shared, beacuse it was all so good. i'm sure i would have enjoyed it any time, but it was particulary right what we needed right then- rest and nourishment and class. it was expensive, but well worth the price.

when we left, the streets had been cleaned in the meantime, and we waited in line to meet davids friends in sidetracks. it was packed to the gills, but i wasn't feeling claustrophobic, thank goodness. we wern't there really long before it was time to head south for the girly-q burlesque show at the hothouse. i've always wanted to go to the hothouse, so this was the perfect excuse- and christopher and david knew one of the performers, and so they wanted to go too. she was actually in my costume construction 2 class, oddly enough. it's a great space, and i had a fabulous time. i mean, what a better way to end my pride than watching girls dance in nothing but panties and pasties?

j asked for pictures, and was so excited to get a comment with a on vacation that i want to reply. unfortunately i have no pics from the dykemarch, but here's me and david while the leather flag is marching by:

and here's me with a drag queen

yes, that's a hoop skirt. and pink cowgirl hat. thanks chris!

after work yesterday i showed my sample pants to the fashion designer, and she liked them! i'm hired! i'm making another pair for her out of the shiny fabric, then picking up fabric to make 6 more pairs, then 6 again after that. long term job! sewing!! it's magic. i can't believe it was so easy, right out of college. i hope i can make them fast enough to make my time worth it. but i'm so excited.

today was more sewing for money. working with christopher for frances in the costume shop. wierd to be back there. christopher had made a pattern for the wedding dress and i was stiching it together. sewing gauze overdress gores together, listening to girlyman, telling stories with christopher, i had that wonderful feeling of what is this? how is this my life? how did i get so lucky, to be living right here in this very moment? then of course christopher had to go see a runthrough with frances, leaving me alone, and when the dress was done i had to hem pants, but the blind hemmer wasn't working, and i broke the needle (!!!) trying to fix it. so o dear. i hope they have repacements. i hope they won't fire me- or make me do them all by hand!- thursday.

after work i took mitzi back to the vet for her vaccinations. she's gained .2lbs since the last time she was there!! hopefully she'll weigh less next time. she gets fixed, for real this time, next wednesday.

i think that catches us up. i'll tell you as soon as something else interesting happens, i promise.


dyke march

ok, lets see. first the dyke march was amazing. i went alone, planning on meeting joe and ashley. but i didn't see them, and i was feeling overwhelmed. everyone knew so many people, and i didn't know anyone, and it suddenly seemed like a bad activity to go to yourself, and i felt i made a bad decision... so i was searching the crowd for familiar faces and who did i see but dani and gina from ashley's birthday party! horray!! i went up to them and said, hey, can i pretend to be your friend just for the parade? and they're like, sure, i'm gina, and i said, oh, no, we've met before at ashley's birthday- i'm caitlin who ate the carrots. when i was telling a this story she went awww at this point sorry they didn't remember me. but i said, no, it was good, cause next they were all, oh CAITLIN! we remember you! look at your shaved head! look at your eyelashes! don't you look fabulous! horray. they kept introducing me to girls left and right. it was very overwhelming. the girls on bikes rode along side us as we marched, leading chants like, 2 4 6 8 how do you know your girlfriend's straight? or 10% is not enough, recruit recruit recruit! when we got to the park, gina and dani and i took a "fruit loop" around to check out the ladies. gina said, let me know if you see anyone you think is hot, and i'll tell you what i know, cause i know almost everyone, or i know someone who does. i SO wanted to take her up on it, but i just couldn't. as i said, overwhelmed. everywhere i looked were cute girls. i would have gladly slept with 3/4 of them. i was so happy to find so many cute dykes in chicago! they do exist! and i have a tenuous ties to meet them! horray horray! dani lived nearby and so i walked to her place with her so she could change into her bathing suit. we found andy and joe and carrie and ashley, and when gena and dani went swimming i went to charlie's alehouse with the rest of them, and tina, their new friend, and her roomates. it was so very much fun. so often at a table like that i feel like i'm in the most unfortunate seat- it certainly always happened when i was out with the costume shop. but this was perfect- across from carrie, next to andy, with ashley and tina caticorner- perfect for conversation. i was so sad when it was time to go- i wanted to go out with them again, but the pants awaited.

looking back on my weekend now, i know i should have spent the night with the girls and made the pants sunday instead, but i was a good girl and went home and worked. and i was so tired after being out in the sun all day- i sewed from 8pm-2am. pleats. 7" panels of 1/2" pleats. that's 14 pleats on each side of 4 pieces- right and left front and back. that's 112 pleats. and i had to do one set over again cause they were off by 1/2". and my printer's still broken. and i've never done a zipper fly before, so i looked up instructions on the internet, but i couldn't print them out, so i would sew a seam, go to the computer to see what to do next, sew a seam, back and forth between the computer and the sewing machine. when it was all done, i cut out my basting stiches, compared it to the original, and found it was beautiful... but backwards. i'd made a mans fly instead of a women's, and it opened the wrong way. so i had to take it all out and do it all over again. my pleats weren't pressed perfectly, and i wasn't sure how to do the cuffs. but i felt like i'd given it my best- this is the best i can do. if she expects better, she'll just need to hire a different seamstress, because i just cannot produce nicer work than this. admitting one is not perfect = not fun.

but really, i'd had SO much fun earlier walking around andersonville in my purple flowered bra, green patchwork pants, and purple lame eyelashes, i wasn't gonna let a stupid JOB get me down!


happy pride

getting ready for the parade, no time to type about the fabulous dyke march yesterday. hopefully i won't be home in time tonight to type either... but i don't know, it's raining....


the party

was quite small. ch, hugo, christopher. i'd be sad if ch didn't bring such a nice salad. and i don't know who else i expected to come. well, i didn't really expect michelle and kathryn and the 21 year old to miss it, but whatever. christopher and i played dress up and i have my pride outfit planned. so all in all it is a good night. not that anyone's keeping track here. but still. i write for me, not for you, remember?



don't you hate that feeling, once the food is ready and you're in your party dress, the candles are lit and the music is playing, and it's an hour after the invitation time and you wonder if any guests are going to come?


trying to remember

something important happened yesterday, but i can't remember what it was. something at work. but i was too panicked to blog about it yesterday, and now it's gone. i'm still not feeling that great, but my flower remedies have been working and i made the pattern last night, so that makes me more confident.

went to office depot after work today and spent $85 on cds and ink. but if new ink fixes my printer, it may almost be worth it. damn mom and her cheap generic substitutes! also went to the library, left carrying another stack of books. ws feeling all warm and fuzzy about it- libraries are the most amazing places. ANYONE can go there. in the summer, when it's hot? you can spend as much time as you want reading newspapers, surfing the internet, reading in the ac. reading books is one of my favorite hobbies anyway, and there's this place where they let anyone read them for free? that's just crazy. i mean, i love public transit and all, but you gotta pay for that. the library? all you need is an address and they'll let you take books HOME with you.

hoping my mind wil be jogged, but it's not happening. mitzi's gonna be here for my party tomorrow= the vet called and said they won't spay her without a vaccination record. so she has to get re-vaccinated. i won't be able to get away with my putting it off. booooooo. i know it's a good idea for my cat to have better health care than i give myself, but still. so expensive.

we got the time out chicago today, and i picked up a reader and a new city too. so i was SET with periodicals this afternoon. there's the party tomorrow, then the dyke march sat. afternoon. sunday's the parade of course, then jen porter at gentry, then i think i'm going to hit up a dance party, then girlyq's burlesque show at the hot house. so i keep looking for a saturday night activity, but i guess i should scedule more time to work on these pants... and there's still the bag linings to be glued in! luckily mitzi won't be an invalid so i won't feel bad filling up my weekend. as my mother said, "my, you sound very proud."

am definately wearing the patchwork pants g sent back to me for the dyke march. on top, less sure- the lime green tank top with the seqins? the purple flowered bra? or topless? what do you think? i'd like to think i'm the kind of girl who would jump at the chance to walk down clark half naked, but really i don't think i am. i've never even been skinnydipping. i think, i'm not sure, but i think it has more to do with weather than modesty. if it's hot, we'll see. if there's a cool breeze off the lake, forget about it.


retreat from the external world

having trouble with all of my far away friends, and no time to see the close by ones. am eating an instant indian meal for dinner tonight, and then starting on this pattern so i can stop worrying about it and have confidence. it's hot and humid here, my garden is drooping, along with my cat and my soul.

i am so prepared to have a party on friday. my goddess. what will become of it all?



i got all depressed last night. it's a total bummer. hopefully it will be over soon. need to get more sleep. i went to columbia today, had the portfolio center design me a business card, picked up my portfolio from frances, finally. she's looking for more stitching help, so i'm sewing for her tues & thurs next week. i had lunch with christopher, then went to pick up the dvd from my other job contact, then went to the west side for my job interview. and of course, once i'm in the botique, who's working there but alana. it's a little creepy. so welcome to the world of fashion. the designer liked my stuff enough to trust me with a sample. she has a pair of pants for me to pattern, alter, and duplicate. she's very committed and intense, and i still don't know if my skills are up to her caliber. but she wants them in a week, which certainly isn't unreasonable, but my planner is so filled right now! i still haven't finished those bag linings for this week. and there's all my pride activities this weekend, then i'm working 9-5 every day next week between ch and frances.... i'm just feeling very overwelmed, like i won't beable to complete it all in a timely fashion.

but whatever. i'm playing the a game now, saying that i'm wrong to have these feelings, because of all of the on the bright side things: i AM good enough, and i will stitch it till it's right, and i can sew faster than i think i can, and patternmaking is NOT scary, infact it brings joy to my soul, and i won't be working any harder than when i was in school, and if all else fails i can pull an all-nighter or two, and i have tom's phone number, and ch will always keep me even if everyone else fires me. so there.

it just totally sucks that i'm living my life just the way i want to, i'm on the brink of having the job that's been my goal for the past 5 years, and intstead of joy and excitement and contentment, i'm just stressed and nervous and paniced.

and what am i doing about it tonight? am i starting on these pants right away? oh no. i'm going to jen porter's cd release party. sigh.


body image

i'm trying to think if i've blogged about this yet, i don't think i have, just wrote about it in the comments. anyway, hugo was gently whining last night about being fat and looking generally frumpy and unattractive, and i told him i understood since my new haircut makes me all knobby and bony- my joints look uncomfortable, painfully close to the surface, barely covered with skin. he laughed at me, and said it was almost as funny as my corset complaining at t's. (that complaint was how i'm too flat to hold up my corset, most people have boobs that keep it up, but since my ribs stick out farther than my boobs do i have to make sure to keep my lungs fully inflated cause if i take too deep a breath the whole thing falls down.)

the sun was amazingly bright on the train platform on the way home today, and i made us all silloetted so nicely on the neighboring building. but the we were far enough away it made me look even spindlier than usual...

but i don't care too much, because jim came in today to water plants and he told me i'd be sure to pick up a girlfriend this weekend, and before that joe came by for lunch and invited me to march with him and ashley and all her lesbian friends in the dyke march, and before that stacy told me she was sure i was gonna get laid, and that she wanted me to call her first, before i even call ch. so we will see....


already wistful

i know, i know, shut up and enjoy it already, but it's so hard, the days are going so fast, it's the end of june already. and so much summer awaits me, but i don't know if i can be APRICIATIVE enough of it all, of the rosebushes everywhere, of seeing ink on bare skin on the el, of patios and porches and no more velvet skirts or wool stockings, and no more sketchbooks or papers or grades. i just want to hold on to it all, the newness of it all, my beautiful garden, my sundresses, the city alive and celebrating. i want to be here forever, sewing bag linings, working at the flower shop, planning my pride weekend wardrobe, sitting on ch's balcony sipping cactus juice coctails. but soon enough it will be over, and it will be september, and ch will be in a new apartment, some still un-found hard-to-get-to studio, and i will have to get a real job, and my garden will freeze, and my cat will run away, and it will all happen covered in fleece and wool and cordoroy.

but that's still months away. the days are so long. if only they could go by slower!

get your priorities straight

actually, my priorities are very queer right now. the parade is a week from today (and the dyke march 6 days away and my pre pride potluck party 5...) what AM i going to wear?


i want to wear something fun and attention grabbing that makes my friends whistle. however, it also must be comfortable in the sun, easy to walk in and easy to remove beer stains from. this rules out:

a new wig
lepard print boots
the 1869 dress

right now i'm leaning towards wearing the hoop skirt, though, with a broomstick skirt over top. and maybe my pink flamingo bikini top. and a gauze shirt for in the sun or air conditioning. and a little house on the prarie sunbonnet.

but i have a feeling it will all change by tomorrow.


if you can...

why not post twice on saturday, esp. if you've been remiss at posting regularly this week?

i guess i'm posting because i'm feeling particularly passionate recently. it's just one of those phases when everything's so stong, you know? it's not just how mad i am at g. it's also how happy i am to water my plants and watch my cat lay in the sun on the balcony (and have my stomach drop out in fear as i watch her stick her head and her front paws and her shoulder blades under the railing getting ready to jump...) and the incredible sensual feeling i get when i go outside. the wind blows at my hair, and the way it feels when it touches my scalp sends shivers through me. it's amazing, i can't talk for a few minutes until i get used to it. i'm amazed how many nerve endings are on my head and how long i've been covering them all up. or protecting them. it's a very vulnerable haircut. i do feel rather exposed. the post office ladies said i look older, but i don't think so- i was carded at boni vino, which has never happened before, and when i asked at walgreens about dirt, he was all we can carry it to your car for you honey. i was like, that's nice, but i'm good. i got my own dirt, thank you very much, and carried the 20# of it the 1/2 mile home with no trouble. i've carried much more awkward things much farther. did he think i looked weak, or just like i don't wanna get my hands dirty (and i guess my husband was gonna plant my little posies when i got home) ? what else- girlyman's little star came and it's just as beautiful as them in concert. that gives me regular shivers, too. it makes me ache with longing, for something- i don't know what. the missing third to ground all these open fifth harmonies. something.

it's too hot to cook, but i'm so hungry. not sure what i'm going to do about this. i need to go to the hardware store to buy a jack or 2 to see if i get brave enough to replace them.... and some screen, hopefully, to help keep mitzi on the 2nd floor. and if i'm heading that way i might as well go to the library, so then i might as well go to the grocery store again....

regardless, i should do something besides sit in front of the computer.

hairy scary dsl

am having the worst trouble connecting. took me a few phonecalls to help to realize that i connect just fine if i'm on the phone. what that's about, i don't know. but they called at 9 (on sat morning!) to say the line looks good and it's probably a jack issue. boooooo. i called mom and she said don't you dare let them charge you for that. you're a smart girl, replace them yourself. so i guess that's what i'll be doing ...

what else do i need to catch you up on? lots of job stuff, applying places, scheduling interviews, mailing out resumes, sounding smart and talented over the phone. if i can just pull off being as smart and talented as i sound.... tuesday's my big scary day. but i'll do my best and it will be good practice, and if i don't get this job now, there will be others, and if i still want it maybe i'll be better at it with more practice.

did i tell you i went to devon market and started buying plants on wednesday? i loaded them all onto my grocery cart and pushed them home.
then thursday i went to gesthemane to fil out the holes of the other things i wanted. good thing i listened to ch and went there last because everything was so beautiful, and they had everything, and it was so expensive... i came home and planted them thursday night, and they look fabulous, but i ran out of dirt, so there's still a little work to be done. but i have my hanging imapatiens, and hanging vine geranium. then i have 2 round planters packed full of purple flowers, ageratum and petunias and violas and sweet potato vines and other trailing viney things. then i have a vegetable windowbox with tomatoes and zuchini, and a herb window box, with dill, basil, mint and chamommile. they are beautiful but make me nervous. i'm thinking take it one week at a time- as long as they're still looking good for my party next friday...

and if you haven't heard of it some other way, please! come to my pre-pride potluck party at 7 next friday. it should be a riproaring good time. ch is already perfecting his 3bacon salad.

but i need to go ride my bike full of bowling ball bags to my future employers to see what she thinks of my first lining job... again, send good intentions out to the universe, or pray to the goddess, for me!


1000 words.

is any more explanation needed?


recycled sweaters, wood, wire, paint, dryer lint, sisal fiber and socks

ch and hugo and i went to see the nick cave soundsuits exhibit at the chicago cultural center today. they were AMAZING. that's what costume is all about. he uses entirely found objects, and he loves sequins. the effect of all 30 or so of them grouped together is overwhelming. hugo couldn't handle it. these pictures are so far removed from seeing them in real life. which is so far removed from seeing them on someone- i may have to go back tomorrow night ot see a performace piece with them

thank you ch. thank you time out chicago. my world is a little bigger today because of you.

ok, and how's this for a transition? nick cave's pieces often have pointy heads resembling klan masks, and he talks about having to hide as an african american. and the first thing i thought when i saw the soundsuit on the advertisment was that it reminds me of the traditional dress of bermuda- the brightly colored costumes we saw in the parade. which reminds me that i should show you some bermuda pictures! it's been just a joy to upload them with the dsl. you have no idea.

here's z and dad as we're pulling into port:

here's z and i as the ship was docking:

dad and pam on the island- the light really doesn't do the color of the water justice.

and here we are fishing at the cove, that's tim and z:

and my one from philly- it's the museum from the train station. i love a nice trainstation.

let's see, what else. 2 more job possibilites. some chair covers and curtains for someone. and a columbia professor wants me to make this dress for his fiance for a surprise wedding present. she's always loved it, from rear window.
isn't that totally awesome?

another shaky transtion: columbia. i told you about the light up ice cubes columbia gave me at the senior party? christopher is very jelous.

i tmed him and he says he'll help me cut my hair tomorrow. so soon the dreads will be no more.

lately i've been feeling so ambivelent about them. i really hope removing them is the right decision. i will miss them so!

finally, let me tell you about the magic that's happening here. summer, goddess, it's glorious. i've lived here almost a year now, and every day i walk through the funeral home's parking lot. and there's a nasty thornbush with bits that pull at my skirts everytime i walk by. sure there were rosehips on it when i first moved in, but that doesn't mean anything. but now it's the begining of june, and just look:

as i said, magic.



well, it looks like it. after work today i had my first "interview"... it's for making linings for bowling ball bags. she brought all the stuff to my house, and left me a bag as a sample, and one to line. so i'll measure it, cut it, sew it, glue it in, bungee cord it to the back of my bike and ride it over to her house for inspection. if i pass, and it doesn't drive me crazy, she gives me $25 and more to do. so we'll see....

on a less exciting note, g called me back, finally. she's not coming to chicago, at all. WHEN WAS SHE GOING TO TELL ME THIS? ch is right, she's to flaky for me to ever plan anything with. i'm just SO ANGRY that she can fuck up my life this way from HALF WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY! her moving to san francisco was supposed to FIX this! whatever. i told z, "i don't want her skanky hands cutting my hair, anyway."

this girl really needs to stop spending so much time searching for jobs and get on writing that personal ad! a says it has to include the discription "cute & cuddly." anything else you think i should make sure to say?


i'm HOT!

goddess it's been cold in chicago this weekend, but it hasn't stopped me! friday night i got the dsl all hooked up and started downloading all that music i've been missing. booty persuaded hugo and ch to go out, so i got dressed up and met them. booty was driving, and he was all, where do you wanna go, caitlin? atmosphere? stargaze? ch suggested t's, so that's where we went. it was ok, it's such a nice bar, and there were girls there, but only in big groups. booty kept talking about which ones i liked and which i was gonna go pick up, but i couldn't do it- i couldn't talk to strangers who were with their friends when i was with my friends. i was a little disapointed in myself, i can give lip service to this whole new slut thing, but i can't really do anythign about it, etc. but i had fun with booty and the loverboys. we left t's pretty quickly to go to clarks on clark, which is the nastiest bar, filled with the same old drunk belgerent men. whatever. at least the preasure was off me.

so then yestereday was worldwide knit in public day! i went to millenium park and found the kntters and they were all sorts of nice, working on fun and funky projects. i really should find a knitting group to go to. i think it would be good to knint with others instead of just in the privacy of my own home and train car. i knit for a couple of hours, and then got my rainbow cone- it's their 80th birthday, a southside tradition- chocolate, strawberry, palmer house (which i think is almond and cherry), pistachio and orange sherbet. to celebrate the opening of the grill at millenium park they were a quarter yesterday. how i love time out chicago. two awesome activites i would have never heard about otherwise. walking to the searstower to get ashley flowers for her party, i decided my goal this summer is going to be to do one TOC activity per week. i'm having crazy fun here in my city since i got back from pa, you may have noticed. my line is, i have no homework- sure, i'll do it ! whatever it is, i'm up for it!

so ashley's birthday party... it was again ch and hugo and booty and i, and then joe and his friend andy were there, and then ashely of course and it was at her girlfriend carrie's house. that was all the people i knew. and there were dykes there! cute dykes! real, live, cute, drama filled, chicago dwelling dykes! and they were sitting by the food! so i of course diched my bear friends on the back porch and made new friends. there's mauria, who's just graduated from northwestern and is looking for jobs in hospitals, dani, who has a petable fuzzy head and teaches k-2nd graders, and gina, who's goes out with dani on the weekends because her girlfriend works 80 hrs a week and they only see each other when brushing their teeth. and THEN i spotted the girl with the blond mohawk i wanted to meet so badly when l was in town and all of her friends were going to t's. it turns out she had just gotten the haircut that day, so it wasn't the same girl. which is even better- that means there are 2 of them in the city! when i went out to the kitchen to refill my drink, booty's like, you didn't know those girls before, did you? he was so impressed with me, i felt amazing! i can flirt! i can make friends! and there are people in chicago worth flirting and making friends with!

but that's all for now- i have to go meet ch to go to midsommer fest and buy my garden!


dial up disaster!

so as i was coming home from work wednesday, i realized my name had fallen off the buzzer. so when i came upstairs i changed the ink in my printer to print out a new one. well, the printer is all fuzzy. and won't print yellow or magenta. i don't know what's wrong with it. so i went to sign online to do some troubleshooting, and my modem won't connect. i pick up my phone, no dial tone. now i was talking on the landline tuesday night, no problem. i wiggled all the cords and stuff to no avail. i called at&t, and they said they'd send the service guy out thursday. but it might mess up my dsl, cause that's supposed to be set up thursday and they need a dial tone before they can set it up. i say, well the high speed modem hasn't even come yet. she said it should have, and gave me the tracking number and the ups number. so i called them and they said they tried to deliver it but couldn't find me because my name wasn't on the buzzer. !!!! have you ever heard of such a pitiful loop? ARGH! so i told them to try again today, and i taped up a handwritten namesign. it's after 5, but according to their website they will continue to deliver until 7 so we will see..... the phone guy came by this afternoon and i let him into the basement. he got out his little box, said he needed to go to the other basement. so i let him in there, and he said he needed to see the other basement, so i let him in there, and he twisted his wires and turned his knobs and said it looks like a problem between the box and the lines outside!!!!!!!!! it's a dsl problem!!!! horray! not my crappy jack at all. he came back when he was done with his work, and said i should be connected within two hours. about an hour ago i got a call on my landline! it said my dsl had been hooked up. so we will see if the modem comes. in the meantime, i have DIAL TONE! so i can dial up, and though it's slow, it's CONNECTEDNESS, and i don't know what more a girl could want.

but being disconnected helped me get my packages out, though. it's not too late, though- if you still want one, drop me a comment. still no word from g- i may end up shaving my head alone, anyway. don't know what she's doing- want to see her quite badly. she better come to town this weekend! and she better see me when she does! talking about visitors, rafael is in town this weekend, and he stopped by the store yesterday. it was good for him and ch - and me, too! - to catch up, i thought the whole visit went quite well, so i was happy. in other "ch's friends who like me better" news, stacy told me yesterday to write about her in my blog, so i guess i should do that. it seems ch told her about my plans to become a slut, and she asked me out of the blue how it was going for me. and i said, not very well, it's hard to be a slut without a dial tone. which i find very quotable.

but the ups gal just rang my doorbell!! my modem is here!!! i have to hook it up, wish me luck!!


parents take note

paid my bills, did other nasty paperwork this morning, then packed up my stationary, sarong, and suntan lotion and headed to the beach. i hadn't been to the beach yet since i moved to the north side, and i'm so charmed. it's a cute little cove (just like bermuda! um, kinda...) it's right on loyola's campus, so you're walking down this residential street of these big mansions and beach houses, and you look down the street and it ends in WATER. it just sends a shiver through you. walking down it reminded me alot of rodney st at rehoboth. there's a playground there, too, with swings and a bridge and stuff....

so i laid out in the sun and wrote the last of my thank you notes and some postcards to go with packages (maybe you'll get one too, if you'd just leave a comment asking nicely) and it was so delightful and summery. much more real than the plastic-feeling cruise. there were children there, with their parental butlers following behind them bearing sand toys. how lucky, to grow up in a city, yet still be able to walk to the beach all summer. that makes for a good childhood. they reminded me of anne lamott, who at the beach watched the babys rolling around in the sand like little breaded veal cutlets. decided i need to find some children in chicago. the kind i can take to the beach and make coloring books for and play pretend games with and read to. i don't know if i'll ever be able to wait until lily is old enough.

came home, showered, went to the grocery store. how can one have a movie theater, a beach, and not one but TWO grocery stores within walking distance? this northside, it's crazy. talking about crazy, this man accosted me walking home, trying to get me to let him hook up illegal cable for me. i laughed at him and told him i don't have a tv.
"come on, why don't you want my cable?"
"i told you, i don't have a tv."
"you don't have a tv?!?!"
"nope, sorry."
"well, listen, i can get you one!"
"i don't WANT one!"
"what? you don't want a tv? why don't you want one?"
"they rot your brain."
"no, man, you can control your own thoughts. you can control your own destiny."
"whatever, i don't want one."
as i'm crossing the street, he's like, "hey, you smoke weed?" i shake my head no. he shouts across the street to me, "acid?" i can't help but laugh out loud.

also, in the game of grocery store bingo, the guy behind me had 2 self-filled gallons of water, 2 jumbo egg cartons of 18 eggs each, and 10 whole grain powerbars. i of course called ch immediately after checking out so i could tell him about my contestant, and ch said, "man, he probably shits little pellets like a bunny rabbit."

and i got an email back from dad today. it basically said, i make fun of everyone not just the gays, i've got lots of gay friends, and i'd love you if you were an ax murderer, you could stay with me on the lam- so gay's no big deal compared to that.

so i'd call that a pretty positive response. i told mom, and she was like, wait, is he comparing being gay to being a murderer? and i'm like, no, i don't think so- and i think it's a bit much to pick on dad's first reaction when she was all miss "are you sure?" and "eww i don't really wanna know" but whatever. the end of the story is i've got my loving enlighted parents and all is well.


oh, you know, sex and shit

yesterday's sangria made me so useless last night- i don't know where the time goes. i did watch another episode of more tales of the city... ok, 2. how can you stop? i love them, all the characters. and please! mary ann and mouse are on a CRUISE SHIP! what could be more timely?

but then, you know, i had to get down to work. actually, i just made the connection. whether i think about it or not, i always start having fire reactions in february. and it seems to be the same sort of thing in june. now that i speak to leah on a regular basis and don't send my yearly epistle to the void of her maiilbox anymore, thanking her for being the first person to ever come out to me and telling her my place on my journey, i need to write some other email to celebrate pride. so i wrote to my dad instead. it was pretty much the normal experience, the basic. lots of crying and shaking. actually, most of what i wrote is in regards to living in chicago, which i find interesting so will quote here:

"you know, i was a pretty unhappy teenager. i was so discontent and always felt like i'd never fit in. i didn't know then that EVERY teenager feels like they don't fit in. it's just part of the territory. it was so nice to go to my grandparents house on the farm as a change i sometimes considered moving there, but i felt like i fit in there even less. (the whole mountain dew addiction- what is WITH that?) when i moved to chicago, even before i knew it, when the bvs bus was first driving past the numbered streets on the expressway, i felt a sort of settling- if this wasn't the place i was supposed to be, i was sure supposed to be in a place like it. i've gone through some bad times here, and also some really amazing ones, but underneath it all is the awareness that i am an urban person, that is my sense of place, the same way you get headaches if you leave berks county. sometimes your emails seem little passive agressive, saying i won't live in pa because it's too close to you. of course that's not true. i would love to be closer to family. please- anyone should be near enough to have those {party-in-a-box} come to every party. but it's important for me to be independent. to be able to take the train from place to place, to be able to walk home safely any time of day or night, to be able to go to concerts and museums and galleries. do you imagine what my life would look like in berks county? i would have to take a cab to the grocery store. i'd spend most of my life waiting for busses on penn street. i would have to do everything before 5 when the busses stop running- or i guess in the summertime i'd have a few more hours of daylight to ride by bike. not that it matters, cause there's not that much to do for a wild thing like me at night, anyway. i need more options that the shady bar on the corner and sting at the soverign center on a tuesday night. a few years ago when uncle dave was telling allie, "i just don't undertand why anyone would want to go to europe" i figured out he and i aren't that different- we feel the same way about the place we live, they're just very different places. he's lucky, he was born the place he belongs. i had to go out and find mine. when i first came to chicago and was all inspired, i cut 2 quotes out of the newspaper. one was from the opera der fliedermaus which was playing here at the time it's, "life is like a piano- you can't play just on the white keys forever," which i stuck on my scrapbook. the other is from a woman flautist who plays jazz, and i guess there aren't that many women jazz musicians, or for that matter much space for flute players, and her quote makes me feel just like her, "when i came to chicago as an adult, i realized this was the only place i had ever found community- a group of people who wanted to dream some of the same dreams as me." i of course want to make you happy, but i also want to make choices that are true to myself. i know you wish i could drive or was a sporty sorta gal or would live in berks county but that's not who i am. when you continue to push these sorts of things, and tell me i don't like them just to make you upset, it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me that i can't be who you want me to be. and i know that's not what you mean! you're proud of me and think i'm a great person. "

i talk about education and friends a bit, then i tell him 'bout l. the scary paragraph i follow that with is this:

"i know we haven't had this discussion yet- probably cause i have no idea how you'll react. you've always surprised me because you're not religious but you have such strong morals. things i think you'll support you don't want me to do, and things i think you hate you think are good ideas. i know you type the whole no one can or does love you more than me thing, but i've also heard you talk about the men dining at rehoboth and seen your limp wrists while telling the story of the boy you proudly clotheslined into the girls bathroom while skating. so i don't know. i'm sure me being queer is something you've considered before, but take time think about it more seriously now. i don't want you to just fire off a rash response, that's why i think email's a good form of communication. of course, i'm terribly nervous so i'll want to hear from you sooner rather than later. and don't think toooo much, because mom says thinking about your kid's sexuality is as gross as thinking about your parents'- ewww!"

so i'm feeling cold and scared and want your hugs. you know, the usual.

and now for something competely different- i've been browsing all these want ads for jobs, right? and i can't help but venture into the personals while i'm at the home page. i'm so horny- i think it's time to go through my slutty phase. i know it's probably not a good idea to sleep with lots of random people i meet on the internet... but why am i so very tempted?

posted this, but then had to repost after i read last week's a softer world. how could a cartoon be more appropriate? i love a softer world:
(and it should be clickable)



so, still need to develop those bermuda pics. but here are a few in the meantime for your viewing pleasure:
me at the keith haring exhibit:

the shot that ch took, assuring me mitzi was doing fine while i was gone:

and scratching my nose while selling otr goodies:

wir sind helden- making german sexy again

so i was in bed doing my normal weekend morning stuff when ch calls at noon, saying he bought antonia's line, his second favourite movie ever, and he and joe were gonna watch it this afternoon. so i got up, got dressed, put on my little strawberry covered sundress from g, and rode my bike over. i haven't ridden to ch's yet, as i'm never coming home while it's still light out. it really is the nicest ride, there was a little bit of panic when i learned 3 blocks of glenwood is one way the wrong way, but it was fine. i got there and i could hear them all on the balcony. they buzzed me up and we sat out on the balcony, drinking sangria and talking. it's JUNE! and there's NO SCHOOL! and there's SUN! my heart rejoices. ch said joe was shocked by my bike- they saw me riding up the street and ch says i think that's caitlin and joe says, naw it's some lesbiana. ch says to me, so we were both right! and i asked joe, did you expect me to be riding something pink with streamers comming off the handlebars? and he said, yeah, something like that, like a schwinn or something. it made me feel all butch and shit.

so we made fancy salads and watched antonia's line, and i'd forgotten how good it is. it was the first movie on ch's list that i'd watched when i was first getting to know him, so i didn't know how to take it. now that i new what to expect, i was free to love it and all of it's fabulous lines and characters. i felt a bit silly being all verklempt, but ch was much weepier than i, we decided joe must not have a heart, to not be misty.

after that we watched music videos. the boys had had much more sangria than i had- or at least feeling it much more, and i was so over all the madonna concert footage. but then, joe watched some german video which made ch think to look up WIR SIND HELDEN! and she is SO CUTE! my newest rock star crush. move OVER erin mckeown! and there was a video for ch's fave song, nur ein wort. and it was so cool, they were in this alley with words on cards that they dropped forward, then ran them backwards so the cards leaped in their hands, and so the song fit the words about half the time... it rocked. and joe could translate so that was fabulous! i'd always sung along, bitte, gibt mir noch ein baum, not understanding the last word. ch said what is she saying and i said, please give me just one something. i sing tree, but i know that's not right. well, it's OH. so it really isn't a word. just please give me just one oh. ok, sometimes she says word, but REALLY, imean she's so CUTE what guy would just look at his shoes while she's singing, who wouldn't give her WHATEVER words she wanted! she could shred a dictionary and put 10000 of the oddest words up and down her sleeves and we would read them all!

lovely ride home, hopefully this will be the last time i have to smoosh all these dreads under my helmet. i hope i can find my extra hemet paddng when i shave my head! hauling my bike up the steps = agonizing. it takes more energy than i have. i actually had to sit down and put my head between my knees and wait for my heart to stop pounding when i got to the top before i could lock it up.

you must forgive me for these long sentences full of a million phrases not quite put together in the right order- i've been proofreading a website for ruth. because you know i can't work on anything on my list. oh no.

doldroms and fire

so i was so useless all day today. all i did was clear off my desk. and i was going to really just blow it all by eating salad and watching a movie at 9pm when CHRISTOPHER called! and said let's get together, i love you! so i said i love you too! so he drove here and i in no time cleaned the house and cleaned mitzi's litter and took out the trash and went to osco for gin and juice and wow! so much done when i knew christopher was on his way! it was perfect- i didn't have to go out, but i was forced to clean my house and leave the house. and i got to enjoy the delightful company of christopher, and drink cheaply, and show off photos and drawings and oh, he is so kind to me! i am so happy going to bed tonight i will work all the harder tomorrow for it, i am sure.


have i told these stories yet?

the BIG thing on my list of things to do today is clean off my desk. in the process, i've unearthed lots of slips of paper from the flowershop with stories i need to tell. have you heard these yet? the customers who were giving me such a hard time about prices, then were AGAHST that it was even HIGHER after salestax, and had to go back upstairs and get more money, and then changed their dish garden for an arrangement and when the finally left, i turned to ch and he said, "where do people shop that there's no sales tax? buying socks on the train?"

the other one was in the "i can't believe you actually said that to a customer" catagory. ch had a customer who wanted a special deal on delivery. "come on, man, it's right across the street! you're gonna charge me six bucks to walk across the street?" and he kept going on and on, and ch finally said, "look, sir, i have to pay an employee to physically walk outside, go through security, take the elevator... if we had a transporter we could just teleport over there and we wouldn't charge you, but we don't have that technology." and then customer got real thoughtful, and said, "what's a transporter?" i had to hide in the back because i really didn't want the customer to know how hard i was laughing, and ch replied, "a science fiction devise used to instantainously move objects."

other interesting lists:
"i love your faggoty stories"
"my roommate's living in a poweder keg and giving off sparks, end quote, leotard, interpretive dance"
- wedding dress on the bus
"did you see my mustache on the newest dildo?"

and there's one that says:
aol 1 866 290 3370
this is where i used to live
pink dress

what could that possibly mean?


busy girl!

oh my goddess, now that you've read all about bermuda i need to catch you up on what's happening this week! it's been crazy, poor mitzi's like, what's up, bitch, i thought you were HOME from vacation? when you gonna get out the STRING for a minute? yes, "meow" means bitch, in case you were wondering. i think my cat can roll her eyes at me, i'm serious.

so i told you monday after i got back in i went to michelle's barbeque for memorial day? i wasn't really prepared to be a social person with actor strangers, but i did ok. and i've met donna, michelle's roommate before, so that was good. and christopher was there! and grant! and we made smores over the barbeque! i was just sad that i wasn't in a social meet new friends mode, because there was a really cute girl there, curly red hair, fat, funky glasses, long skirt. found out her name- mary- ch will be delighted. whatever, i'm sure she's straight. and thinks i'm wierd. and she Should, because i was, and so if she didn't she'd be a poor judge of character...

ANYWAY, work tuesday, then ch and i went wicker park, beacause over the rhine emailed me and said, YES, we DO want you and your friend to sell our tshirts and cds! it was surreal- ch and i went to the double door to hear otr free! and hem! wow! we had a fabulous time- i mean, whatever, we are retail royalty. (the princess and the queen, thank you very much) we amazed their merch guy at our esp skills re:tshirt sizes. and i drug a little arrangement around with me all night, and then at the very end after linford and karin were done signing, linford thanked me for inventorying tshirts, and i said, no, thank you, we brought you flowers! and he gave them to karin, and she was so charmed, and said she wished she'd had them on her table for the concert. and THEN she told us how jelous she was of us working in a flowershop, and it makes her miss her garden, she just planted her delphinium!!! is that not SOO much better than, please sign my cd- i love your music, i have all your albums!?

DRUG myself out of bed wednesday, though. good think i work with ch. after work, went to library, cooked more salads for dinner, and cleaned up my email in box- replied to like 20 mails. had thursday off, and was useless. i stayed in bed all morning finishing leslea newman's every laugh a tear. i love how she swears by the goddess, always makes me laught you know. i sobbed and sobbed when her bubbe died at the end. it made me so sad i didn't have a chance to come out to my grandmother before she died- my dad's mom i mean. i feel like she's be upset and disaproving, but would love me anyway, tease me mercilessly, just want me to be happy. it made me really miss her. another funny thing bout the jewish grandma was how much yiddish i understand- between pennsylvania dutch and german, most of the words are pretty direct translation. it's funny how i can recognize pa dutch when i hear it, and of course i understand it without even thinking, but i don't think i could write it the way leslea does jewish. i just can't hear it, speak dialect on my own, i can only drop phrases. rutch in your seat. red up a room. outen the lights. it's a sticky as shoofly pie.

so anyway, thursday after work i met ch downtown, cause you can't keep us apart even on my day off, and we went to the west side where one of our customers has paintings on display at a coffee shop. they were nice, fine, he's improving, and it made me feel all communtyish. then we went to his house for dinner, and he invited hugo over, and hugo invited booty, and that made it a party. we cooked delicious food and stalked people on yahoo, and played scattagories. which also made me miss my grandma. i told everyone how we always play at the beach, how the die is lost, and instead we have letters on scraps of paper in a baggie, and how at the bottom of the box are all these used answer sheets in my grandma's handwriting that no one can bear to throw away. and then i showed them my skill by beating them all by at least 10 points. another late night though... but booty gave me a ride home, and it's so close- everytime i come home from ch's i'm glad i don't live in hyde park anymore.

today was more of the same. worked alone-ch got the day off, after my incredibly long vacation. unfortunately i took an order for tomorrow, so he'll have to come in then. i played with the cat, made another salad, and watched the WORST gay movie EVAR. filmed on a camcorder i think, bad diolgue, hard to believe plot, preachy characters, unsular envronment- it ached with low budget ness. and the end was terrible. i don't think the 2 lovers riding off into the sunset is a happy ending. what about their straight friend? what about punishing the dean who raped the kid? what about saving future students from gaybashing? what about transfering schools? these kids seemed so snappy with their bible based comebacks, i feel like they had to be getting their pro-gay info from somewhere other than their hearts, why couldn't they use that source for help, as a trusted adult, maybe save the life of their other friend? and why did they have to talk so you could hear the ... in the script? or the [pauses]. it was awful. don't watch the last year, if you have the option, in my opinion.

so that's me. i'm out of contact with everyone, but oddly enough i'm not feeling lonely and clingy like i usually do. i guess it's still whiplash from the cruise- i need to spend time alone, and i need to take time to enjoy my city. leah lent me a book when i was in philly called "quirkyalone: a manifesto for uncompromising romantics" and i'm definately jumping on that boat. everything i've read so far has been "yes, yes, that's me exactly!" but i havn't finished it yet, so i'll talk more then, i'm sure. but i really like it as label. you know how this artist loves labeling herself.

my dad has been flooding me and z's email box recently with love letters about how much he enjoyed vacationing with us. it's sweet, if not a good bit weird. he wrote one that included, "I also never asked you guys what is going on in your lives. Have a desire to take up skydiving? want to join the circus? Decided to do volunteer work for the Free graphic Artists from their Computers Club? Have too many friends? Have to few? Have a guy you enjoy being around? looking forward to having a pet skunk? Planning on taking a bike trip across the counry? Anyways I'd like to know what is going on with both of you since I wanted to ask you both that while we were sitting in the sun on the decks, but everybody was listening to ther iPods and reading books, so I'll ask now"

what do you think? is now the time to come out to him?