black snot in the moonlight

when i got into the costume shop yesterday and tom asked how i was, i said, "same old, same old- furious at frances and cromer." he said, "well, i'm glad nothing changes, i guess." collaborative semniar = the bane of my exisitence right now. that's all i have to say about that. finished patterning my dress for tom's class- buying fabric this weekend.

in figure drawing we were doing portraits, which i was so not excited about, but we finally worked with an eraseable medium! horray for the end of ink! it was probably my fave way of drawing, too- covering a sheet of paper in charcoal powder to make a grey tone, then drawing the shadows in black and erasing out the highlights. i love playing with messy mediums- so many of my classmates were so squeemish! i had my arms on my drawing and was black up to the elbow. i left with a face coverd in soot. it was lots of fun. and i was so pleased with my drawing- it didn't really look like the model, but i gotta say it was a darn good head. all that costume design, drawing imaginary people to proportions one must measure and memorize, has made me apriciate figure drawing so much. i am always comparing myself artistically to my classmates, and this assignment was good for my artistic ego- i felt like i was in the top 3 of the class. but it's all there in front of you! if you want to know what something looks like, you just have to look up, and you can SEE it! and if you don't like, it, rub your thumb over it and it disapears into the sea of grey. my least talented classmate, the girl who sounds like i did in ceramics, was saying to the professor, what is wrong with her shoulders? and he said, you have them drawn too low. and she said, where should they be? here? here? and i wanted to say, LOOK! it's right there in front of you! but he just said, from where you're sititng they're probably even with the mouth... anyway, on the train ride home i was sneezing and my snot was BLACK. gotta love playing with charcoal. blech. told stacy this on the phone today and she said she was working in the garden yesterday which made her snot black too. so i proclaimed us linked with a bond deeper than blood, and she sang to me romantically, "black snot, in the moonlight..."

yeah, that was pretty much my highlight of the day today. ch has spent way too much time at work with parties already this week. and i'm too tired to bouy him. so we've been snippy, doing nasty things like valentines day payroll and bills. ew. and then his wedding consultation showed up. he'd forgotten and i was going to be snarky at him for not writing it on the calendar, which i looked and saw he did, so then i could beat myself up instead for not reminding him.

came home, too tired to eat dinner, made rice and heated up a bag of indian food. have been trying to play with mitzi, but i'm so tired. she has so much energy and she WANTS something from me, and i wish i knew what it was. beacause those plaintitive meows may kill me. did my fucking colaborative seminar homework. talked to z, the shop in nc sent her crappy flowers for her birthday, i have to call ch tomorrow and try and fix it. talked to a, who's all fucked up on booze and pot and shrooms. she called to assure me that they were going out, so i should't worry when she doesn't respond to my texts. and she said everyone was dropping acid and other stuff but she wasn't going to. and all about her beautiful beads. happy mardi gras.


pink things

i ate a grapefruit for breakfast this morning. and read the newspaper (when i went downstairs to get it i could hear hannah in 3w's music blaring- joni mitchell's california- right on!) in a sunbeam with the rainbows from the prism all around. i should have had milk and toast and honey, perhaps, but i was getting all contemplative about my graperfruit. it's this big ugly lump from the grocery store- they remind me of fake boobs. and then there's this process- the steps you must go through, and then the ones that i think create the perfect way to eat a grapefruit. i felt like i should write a long how-to paper about it- use a serrated knife to cut it in half, then cut around the edge of the flesh, then sprinkle the top with sugar- just a teaspoon or so, so that it gets dissolved. if there's white sugar setting on top you've put too much on. then you gently stick the spoon down between the segment at 3 o'clock and the fleshy sectional divider farther from you. once you have it off the one side, just peel it off the one closest to you. working counter-clockwise, eat about three segments in this manner. then you have enough space to scrape the left over bits of fruit off the rind and out of the bottom. now is also a good time to start eating spoonfulls of the juice gathering in the bottom. and so on. it was very "breakfast as an experience" rather than breakfast as nutrition or even breakfast soley as yummyness.

in yesterday's mail came the BVS booklet of projects for this year. (t has a pink cover. that's how it fits the topic.) goddess, it's so tempting to leave everything behind here and go to germany. there's two projects i could see myself working on this year- one in minden, one in bonn. the one is organizing peace camps and conferences all over germany, the other is lobbying the german goverment about a north-south initiative to end global warming. once i'm graduated, why not? this should be one of my last chances to make a major life change. and i feel so stagnant in chicago- it's time to move on. i want to live in germany, and this seems the best way to do it. but my stuff. goddess, i'm so attached. i can live without my stuff for two years, no problem. but giving up my appartment? moving it all back to pa? it's crazy. or putting it all in storage here- i can't afford 2 years worth of storage for my whole apartment . but i can't give away my bed and my desk and all my clothing and books and kitchen appliances! the project booklet says pack for orientation and have folks back home ship you what you need. my life right now isn't really set up that way. but i still remember 5 years ago sitting in my bedroom at home, having just returned from my first trip to germany, trying to figure out what to do with my life, and calling dan, and having him say, get a BA, learn german, then we'll talk. and that's about to happen. ha. yeah right. since when did i ever have that much gumption? i can't even get it together to get my americorps money.

wrote all morning. have been a good fiction writing student, with my raspberry ginger brew and pretzel goldfish. ginger will always and forever make me think of l, i think. i imagine being this tiny old woman on an airplane 65 years from now, drinking my ginger ale and telling my bored seatmate about her. i think it's kinda pinkish, too, being raspberry, but it comes in a brown bottle, so i'm not sure. anyway, it's all procrastination to get away from my drawings. it's only 5 of them. but i've been putting them off for HOURS now. started reading dorothy cannell's the thin woman again. i bought it at the last gerber hart booksale- such a good book, i'm glad to own a copy. however, paired with michelle embree's manstealing for fat girls, it makes me obsessive about my eating habits and the habits of those i love. i think every character in manstealing has her own individual eating disorder, and i got so involved in the characters it made me project them onto all of my friends. i know a's been in a depressed sort of discontent and that messes up her eating, and then i was iming z and she told me she's going on a diet and i kinda flipped out on her, just cause i've been in this book where the protaganist pops dexatrim for breakfast and lunch. her friend carrie has a 7 year plan- this year she's fasting one day a week. after a year, her body should get used to it, so next year she'll do two days. she'll keep adding a day every year, so by year 7 she'll just photosynthesize. perhaps this is why i was so obsessed with my grapefruit process this morning. so everyone- i love you. please be happy and healthy. eat what you're longing for when you're hungry. stop eating when you are full. digest the food you eat. when bad things happen, find other things to cheer you up. because it makes me so sad and worried for you when you don't, because i really do love you all.



went out with ch last night to hear jen porter. i think i'd be embarrassed if you did a search here for jen porter- why is she never mentioned? why do ch and i so rarely go hear her sing? it's terrible. when we first discovered her, ch went to the gentry EVERY thursday for months. but now, it's so rare. i mean, she's always glad to see us, but i feel like i'm squandering my big city resources. if you live in a city where local musicians like jen porter play every week, why aren't you going to see them?

she was in top form though. she sounded great, didn't get even a little horse in that smoky bar till 1am. played alot of alanis morrissette covers, some tracy chapman, ricky lee jones, tori amos. when she saw ch, she said she was gonna play a radio hit, and he said, she's gonna do 2AM. and i'm like, she doesn't know that one, but sure enough, she busted out the anna nalick. that was totally fun. and ch kept tipping her and requested jelousy by liz phair. which is an AMAZING AMAZING song, and jen does it so much better than liz does. there were a bunch of uninterested dykes there, and she did some mellissa etheridge and indigo girls. i was getting really tired, not drinking much (esp. compared to ch!) but we decided to stay till the end. she got out her guitar and ch is like, i know this song. and i'm like, I know this song. and it was NOT A PRETTY GIRL! we were shocked, charmed. who knew jen knew any ani? it was fabulous. we are so excited for her third album. she played some new stuff, and it was great, as well as in a day and another day, and ray from the first disk.

ch kept getting texts throughout the night. i was feeling friday nightish, but it was good for me to be out. i was only a little sorry for myself, rather than emmensely sorry for myself like i would have been at home. but i was still so jelous of all of ch's texts and phone calls, and of the girl who walked around the table to put her hand on the small of her girlfriend's back. whatever.

spent my saturday morning the way i always do- in bed, eating chocolate, reading a book, masturbating. really, what more can you ask for? realized when i left bed my fingers were shriveled and decided it was a good thing i'm a lesbian, because really, what guy would ever be patient enough to have sex with me? also, since i finished an uninteresting paperback on the train ride home i read my entire nick earls book. it wasn't as good as 48 shades of brown, but the character was less neurotic, so that was a relief. plus, there's so much charm to be had just from it being australian. my american version is called that summer, but the original is called that january, and it opens with a few lines that are so incomprehensable about january seeming to last forever as it's the end of the summer and you're preparing to go back to school and christmas is over. what is january like at the beach? that's just so wierd for me.

didn't get my butt in gear fast enough to go downtown before the library closes, but i did get to the edgewater branch. so charming. i love the community feeling i get when i go there. it's so small, the selection is so condensed, but that's ok. how many books does one need at one's fingertips? if you want something specific, you can order it in from harold washington. also stopped by the healthfood store and got more info on their organic farm /CSA that drops off there. i think i'm gonna try and do it- we'll see if i can eat a box of vegetables a week. it's expensive, but think of how good it would make me feel- and it would probably make me cook more often!

then- you'll never believe it- i went to the laundrymat! yes, i, caitlin, finally did 2 loads of laundry. i've been saying i was gonna go for a week, and now it's finally happened. unfortunately, mitzi is really excited about this. she keeps climbing up my drying rack, knocking down socks and dragging them around the house. this has got to stop= i'm not quite sure how, though.

so now there is dinner to eat, movies to watch, sweaters to finish and homework to write. i'll type to y'all again soon though.


careful, that's bleach water you're dancing with

when i said this to ch today, he said i should make that my blog title for the day. he was slowly filling 60 little pellegrino bottles with bleach water so they will be ready for more flowers for the italian restaurant on monday. and dancing to prince. good day at work today- ch was up way too late on bear411, but i teased out his snarkyness. it's so funny how much the same we are. both 6s on the numerology thing, and both born on a full moon.

no word from hannah in 3w- looks like she's not comming over for dinner tonight. perhaps tea tomorrow?

i brought some dying flowers home from work today to replace the dead roses from v-day. it was cold and i was tired and carrying this big bag, so i didn't feel like walking all the way to the red line. i certainly didn't feel like jamming myself in with all those people on the purple line. i just wanted to sit and read my book. so i commuted home with ch. it was so nice. we got our seat together, we joked for a few minutes, we settled down into our books. we chatted when we transfered to the red line at fullerton, and then again read until there was something clever to point out. it was so quiet and companionable. i really had a good time. when we used to go north for something special i thought the commute took forever, compelled to be clever on an empty stomach. but now we can just read together and it is delightful.

oh, and i think you guys are crazy. another job in my life? the 2 i have right now and the classes i take are more than enough, thank you very much!i don't have time to do my laundry now. imagine if i had another job! and i'd take ch any day over more aquaintances. i mean, i have all those people in my classes to make friends with, and i'm too picky- i don't think it's opertuninties i lack, i think it's the gumption. maybe i should put up jamie and justine's adjective thingy and see what others think of me- cause i think whole foods would be a terrible match for me. but maybe i'm wrong. i'll be on the look out for a new job soon enough. well, after i get back from bermuda. a- you should totally come visit me before that. i'm getting tired of this hair. early may? we can do something fabulous for your birthday. l- which whole foods? i would like to make sarah a new friend, perhaps i'll be able to do it without trying to get another job.

i have spinach and musrhooms and munster in my fridge. i think i'm going to make a quiche for dinner. happy friday!


running joke

so guess who hasn't made it to the laundrymat yet? i MUST go tonight. hannah in 3w may come tomorrow! must be done by then. or she may be totally creeped out and memorizing my schedule so she can avoid ever bumping into me in the hallway. anyway. made cauliflower cheese soup for dinner. the cat is still looking for the good stuff. ch and i made many jokes about art deco halos (from the pm dawn song doncha know) today and it was good.

have you realized yet i have absolutely nothing to type about?

ch sent me this link. it's a birthday do-hickey.
the highlights:
"There are 213 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 26 candles.

Those 26 candles produce 26 BTUs,
or 6,552 calories of heat (that's only 6.5520 food Calories!) .
You can boil 2.97 US ounces of water with that many candles.
Your birth tree is
Hazelnut Tree, the Extraordinary

Charming, undemanding, very understanding, knows how to make an impression, active fighter for social cause, popular, moody and capricious lover, honest and tolerant partner, precise sense of judgement.

The moon's phase on the day you were
born was full."

hey, the numerology link is also facinating:
"The Life Path 6 suggests that you entered this plane with tools to become the ultimate nurturer, and a beacon for truth, justice, righteousness, and domesticity. Your paternal, or maternal, as the case may be, instincts with a 6 Life Path exceed all others by a considerable margin. Whether in the home or in the work place, you are the predominant caretaker and family head. While the 6 may assume significant responsibilities in the community, the life revolves around the immediate home and family, for this is the most domestic of numbers. Conservative principles and convictions are deeply ingrained and define your character.

You are idealistic and must feel useful to be happy. The main contribution you make is that of advice, service, and ever present support. You are a humanitarian of the first order. It is your role to serve others, and you start in the home environment. You are very human and realistic about life, and you feel that the most important thing in your life is the home, the family and the friends.

This is the Life Path related to leadership by example and assumption of responsibility, thus, it is your obligation to pick up the burden and always be ready to help. If you are like the majority with Life Path 6, you are one who will willingly carry far more than your fair share of any load, and you are always there when needed. In doing so, you take ownership and often become an authority over the situation.

In romance, the 6 is loyal and devoted. A a caretaker type, you are apt to attract partners who are somewhat weaker and more needy than yourself; someone you can care for and protect. The main ingredient that must prevail in the relationship is complete harmony. You don't function well in stressful relationships that become challenges for you to control. It is the same with friends, you are loyal and trustworthy. But there is a tendency for you to become dominating and controlling.

It's likely you feel compelled to function with strength and compassion. You are a sympathetic and kind person, generous with personal and material resources. Wisdom, balance, and understanding are the cornerstones of your life, and these define your approach to life in general. Your extraordinary wisdom and the ability to understand the problems of others is apt to commence from an early age. This allows you to easily span the generation gap and assume an important role in life early on.

The number 6 Life Path actually produces few negative examples, but there are some pitfalls peculiar to the path. You may have a tendency to become overwhelmed by responsibilities and a slave to others, especially members of you own family or close friends. It's easy for you to fall into a pattern of being too critical of others; you also have a tendency to become to hard on yourself. The misuse of this Life Path produce tendencies for you to engage in exaggeration, over-expansiveness, and self-righteousness. Modesty and humility may not flow easily. Imposing one's views in an interfering or meddling way must be an issue of concern.

The natural burdens of this number are heavy, and on rare occasions, responsibility is abdicated by persons with this Life Path 6. This rejection of responsibility will make you feel very guilty and uneasy, and it will have very damaging effects upon your relationships with others."

blech. like you even care. i'm so sorry for filling my blog with this drivel. i promise to have something wise and insightful tomorrow.


yucky things

i have so many yucky things to do today. laundry, pay the bills, do the dishes...ew. they're not all gonna get done, i can tell you that. but i am looking on the bright side- i'm not at ceramics class! i'm home! and i've already done the grocery shopping! so see, it's not that bad. really. had some really insightful thoughts while walking between classes today. should have written them down- they're so gone now. but hey- this is 5th week. 1/3 of the way through my last semester. 10 more weeks. can someone say got to get rolling on that damn portfolio?


flu and fur

ch called in sick today. poor thingy. and so i was all alone in the flowershop all day. pretty uneventful. feeling lonely and in need of cash therapy, but i CAN'T until i pay my bills. so instead went to the library to return my books and left with a huge stack. like, more than will fit in my bag. i had to take a shopping bag for the last three. i am excited to read all of them. i am sad no one is interested in my book list anymore.

but wait! my day just gets better! i thought reading new books on the train would be the best it got, but no. there was no interesting mail in my box. but there was a tinfoil covered plate by my door! hannah in 3w baked me vegan chocolate-pecan brownies, and left them with a little thank you note for the flowers. oh yes. this is not a case of journaling what you wish would happen so your readers don't think your life is lame. it really and truely happened. to me. i swear. this will soon become a short story, i promise you.

mitzi was a bitch again tonight. she doesn't like me cooking, she just crys and crys. she doesn't want to be petted, she wants to fight. and she wants to eat whatever i've got on my island, she jumps up the legs. i offer her some of everything. i'd feed her black beans if she'd eat them. but she's not satistifed with her food OR with my food. hopefully this will wear off FAST.

eating purple polenta and black beans. listening to the new hello saferide cd jamie mailed me. it's already inspired a mix for a- really, i mean, who else is the song "my best friend" written for? jamie rocks. she also sent me a copy of the german dvd i've been wanting so badly she recorded herself. unfortunately, it STILL doesn't play on my fucking american computer. but it's the thought that counts, and she's put SOmuch thought into me. also, a little pink cordoroy cover for pearl. she's so stylish now. and let me tell you, it's important for a girl to keep her ipod happy.

so that gets you uptodate. will type again as soon as something else exciting happens. any info on my life, know you can get it here first.



so you'll have to forgive this blog entry, i've been feeling particularly horny.

did i tell you about being on the dance floor at spin? it was just uncomfortable. libby and jason were really getting it on with each other, and i just felt so third, like i didn't know anyone well enough to dance with them. i know this isn't supposed to stop a girl, but it stops me. i'm also stll so self-consious... i've come a long way in my dancing skills since high school, but i still step on feet, can't feel the music, aren't agressive enough. i couldn't seem to finish my drink so that made me awkward, too. i just felt like i was a foot tapper in a sea of grinders. there was this really drunk straight girl there with her boyfirend, having a fabulous time. libby was like, you should dance with her, she's straight! and i'm like, no, i don't fall FOR straight girls, straight just happens to be a complication many of them have in common. and let me tell you, she was quite common. very bland.

it all just felt so lonely, and made me miss all the love at stillettoes. (l's right, that weekend has become like a dream.) there's nothing like feeling all by yourself in a very crowded place. i was watching these two chicks dance, and one whispered something into the other's ear, and in response the other giggled and stuck her nose into the girl's neck. it was such a friendly intimate gesture, and i was trying to remember the last time someone touched me. not mitzi, she doesn't count. i've petted ch on the shoulders a couple of times during v-day, but that, like hugging, doesn't count, as it's through clothing. i'll brush customers hands when i give them their change, but i don't think that should really count, either. i decided it was probably cuddling over new years with the philly dykes. which seemed really sad, but then i remembered mom was here a couple of weeks ago for my oral surgery. i'm sure there was skin-to-skin contact then. is this soemthing anyone else in the world keeps track of?

i wasn't sure if this all was gonna get typed about but then it fit in so nicely with my thoughts today, after all my classes. the last class of the night is figure drawing. and you know what they always tell you about figure drawing, how it's weird for the first 5 min or so, but after that, they just become lines and shapes and shading? well, i am here to tell you, it's not true. at least not for me. until the very end of class, it continues to be a very naked person standing up there. and i don't care how casual everyone is about it- there's still something inherently about sex there for me. i'm facinated by how very blond our female model's pubic hair is. she's flatchested with these pointy pointy nipples of a very specific shape. and we just all sit in a circle around her, staring at her for hours. i find this VERY WEIRD. but at least these are shapes i'm familiar with- the male model is even stranger. one of the longer poses had him all crouched down like he was crawling, and where i was sitting my view was basically just of his ass. so my drawing was pretty much built around the specific shape of the bit of skin that connects his balls up into his buttcrack. it freaks me out how alien male anatomy is- so very strange, so very exterior. got me thinking about one of my favourite franchesca lia block quotes. it's from baby be-bop- "Dirk looked at the playboys that Pup brought, trying to feel something. All he could think of was that the giant breasts must keep the women safe somehow, protected. as if the breasts were padding for their hearts. His own was so close to the surface of his chest. He was afraid Pup might see it beating there." now, i haven't really ever felt able to vote on this one way or another, seeing as how many men have bigger breasts than i do. however, i think i do feel safer having my genitals all on the inside, where no one can see them. it can't be a good idea to be so very exposed.

finally, finished another ron koertge book on the way home. i think i've become addicted. they're all so good. i was reading this one after fiction writing and it made me apriciate just how very well written it is. it's called boy girl boy and it has the BEST sex scene in it. it's so very very honest and true and realistic and funny as hell. even elizabeth crane would like it. i swear. i wish i had enough gumption to type it all up here. i may read it to ch tomorrow at work, i love it so much.

and that's all about sex i have for today, folks. time for me to go to bed. work tomorrow. etc.


out on the town

jason brought home bread and olives and wine last night, and then he took a disco nap and i got a lot of writing done. at ten, i wondered if he was going to get up or if i should just get ready for bed. we had discussed watching a movie or going out, but i was feeling sleepy and he wasn't really awake...

well first we went to standees for milkshakes, and i had a grilled cheese. then we went to berlin, which had a cover and was so lame! come on people. it's saturday night. jason's friend libby said, "be careful at berlin- you'll have to keep the girls away from caitlin- they don't take no for an answer there." i thought that sonded like fun, and was a little miffed in the same way jim upsets me hello, you don't know me, i can take care of myself. but i think she still thought i was straight at the time. anyway, none of that happened. jason and i spent a painfully long and agonizing time there. but then libby called him up and she came by, and she is loud and opinionated and made me miss l so much. it proves there is a good way to be obnoxious and a bad way to be obnoxious. i think l sometimes worries that i hate obnoxious people and just make an exception for her. but it's not true! it's just that she does obnoxious so well, and i hate people who are the bad kind of obnoxious, and people who have devloped charming obnoxious are few and far between.

so anyway, libby, jason and i leave berlin and head to spin. i haven't been there since that fateful night with l and carrie. but the bit at spin was the best part of the night, so i had good memories. and there's a whole back room i didn't know about! there's a dance floor there! who knew? how would that have changed the time i had, i wonder? anyway, when spin closed we went to the closet and finished off our night there. my goodness! we didn't get home until 4 am.

which sounds pretty late, no? but i don't know... i really liked jason's friend libby, wished she lived in chicago instead of ann arbor. but hanging out with them made me feel so prissy. it seemed like everytime jason and i ate, i was picky- i don't like beer, i don't like olives, i don't like melon, i don't eat meat, and on and on. and i was always the one who was tired and ready to go home. and i drank so little. it was like the distdain of z's sorority sisters, that feeling of "i'm too old for this." when really, i'm not any older than they are. something i love about those girls in philly, and in detroit too, they don't hassle me, they let me drink when i need to, stop when i need to, go to bed when i need to, no presure, no judgement. i feel like i have to justify myself otherwise... valentines day was this week, we had that bottle of wine with dinner, i weigh half as much as you do, i'm out of practice... i hate that. what about the mess i was on new years? what about that bear party of ch's? what about when leah was in chicago? i'm not prissy. i can have fun and make trouble in my skirts and false eyelashes. so there. and it was more me feeling that way than them makign me feel that way. so all in all, i did have a good time.

but now they're on their way back to mi, and i have HOMEWORK to do. ugh. maybe i'll take a nap first.


alone right now

it's kinda like when ch was staying with me. jason is out for the afternoon thrifting with his friends. i really should have taken the opertunity to go to village discount, but it's so fucking cold outside! and i need to do fiction writing homework. i've done so much already. he left, i lay down to finish my book, and the next thing i know i've taken a 2 hr nap! actually, this makes me feel good cause my plan for this weekend was to sleep about 24 hrs. (12 each night) and catch up from v-day. when we got to bed at 1 this morning, i knew that wasn't happening....so anyway, i need to still shower and write, and hopefully get to the grocery store, before jason gets back tonight. he's alergic to cats, so have to try and keep mitzi out of his stuff.

did i tell you i brought 2 dozen roses home from work last night? and i kept one dozen but took the other up to hannah in 3w and invited her down for tea sometime? she said she'd love to, she drinks tea like 5 times a day. smile.

shit. also have to go to the grocery store and LIBRARY. my books are so overdue. ok, so off to work.


weekend visitor

what! i don't have time to post! i have to clean the house! change the cat litter! jason, my friend from high school is staying wiht me this weekend!



so, i see all i have to do is post about my kitty and i get comments! yes, it was ch's friend's cat i adopted. she's as cute as the pictures, 7 months old, and CAME with the name mitzi, which i like enough not to change. we were getting along so well, i would dangle a tie in front of her whille checking my email and she happily played. but tonight, i made them mistake of opening my can of black beans infront of her, and she started crying for fancy feast. this is going to be a hard habit to break, i see. pity she has no interest in eating black beans. i can't belive i'm living with a meat eater.

walking wounded

Out amongst the walking wounded, every face on every bus
Is you and me and him and her and nothing can replace the us I knew
Nothing can replace the us I knew
And no, I'm never gonna let you go
And now I know I had a choice though you never made it clear to me
I thought you never felt it deeply
Now I'm never gonna let you go
'Cause I could have loved you forever
I could have loved you forever
What do you want from me? Are you trying to punish me?
Punish me for loving you, punish me for giving to you
Punish me for nothing I do, punish me for nothing
You punish me for nothing, for nothing
Out amongst the walking wounded, every face on every train
Is you and me and him and her, some days I think I could go insane
Some days I think I could go insane

-everything but the girl, walking wounded


post v-day exhaustion

i woke up late again today and drug my tired body off to the hell that is colaborative seminar. i ache all over. the muscles in my back, the skin on my hands, my sluggish brain... i just dragged through the day today. put the hooping in my hoop skirt. will be ready to drape in class monday. i'm keeping up with the curve.

i think i really am going to quit ceramics. it's just too late too often. and there are hundreds of places i can learn to throw on a wheel in real life, after graduation. with stoneware instead of just terracotta.

there is so much going on, but no time or energy to blog. thanks for all your valentines day wishes. you really make a girl feel loved. will catch you up when i have the time and inclination. right now i'm going to go play with my cat.


happy valentine's day

exhausted. too tired to blog. emotionally spent in my internal life, meanwhile v-day continues on outside of me. i'm really proud of how present i can be when i have to be. sunday night i was FLIPPING out, not thinking i was gonna make it through. i was wondering if ch would just send me walking on all the deliveries to get me out of the store. but no, i shut off that part of my life while at work, and ch and i did our dance, and almost all of the orders got out on time. here's a picture of the order sorter sunday night:

we took another 50 or so monday, then they kept rolling in today....
last night, we started sorting orders into routes. michelle said she felt so special getting to hold the one with the balloon on it, so i thought i'd take a picture of her being so special:

and finally, what you've all been waiting for, pictures of mitzi!

she is the sweetest cat ever. we are in love already. she is my fuzzy valentine for me to come home to after my 15 hr. days.


sunday at the flowershop

got to work late this morning because i forgot that the whole world doesn't go crazy for v-day- just because i have to work all weekend doesn't mean the trains are running on rush hour schedule...
i'm at ch's typing right now, it looks like we're going to pick up mitzi tonight! i'm so excited- i didn't realize it was really going to happen!! so this will be short, because 1. it's johnny b's computer i'm tying up and 2. because i'm exhausted. l was asking me last night how one fits 14 people in the flowershop. and i said, very carefully. here's the best picture i could get.

we made over a hundred boxes of roses today. here's carlos, with limbo, a lovely green and yellow variety.

so that's what's happening in my world.

little blue river

i don't like the otr song all that much, but it's probably my most oft-quoted line: "everybody's story is more interesting than mine- it took me twenty-some odd years to see i'd been born blind." i know i'm pretty cool and funky looking right now, but sometimes i feel like it's all a ruse, i'm much more shocked and naive than you'd know. i remember watching cabaret and when liza asks the guy if he'd have sex with a dwarf, i was so impressed with his answer. i want to be like that- completely unshockable, always have a comeback. but it's such slow going. and i guess it's like any kind of growing- it happens so slowly you don't realize it's happened until you look back.

(there's some plot missing here- i'll add it back in when i get a chance)

last night i had another dream- although there's another more important theme. it's friday night, and i'm coming home late, excited i don't have to go to bed on time. there's music blasting out of the third floor balcony. when i get to my front door, there's a box from z (now you know it's a dream!) by my mailbox. inside it are little gifts from my family and, inexplicably, from some guys on bear411. i start to carry it upstairs and the music stops. i decide to not even stop at my place but to go right up to hannah's and ask her over for tea sometime while she's still up and i still am feeling brave. so i do and she invites me in and her place is much cooler than mine- there's all these eves and sunlights. and we're chatting, being nice, and i'm glad to be there, though it's kinda awkward cause we don't really know anything about each other. but then her friend comes over, who is anna, one of the dreadlocked girls from my figure drawing class. and anna brings a bag of pot with her. and while she's packing the bowl, i start to freak out. because although i learned how to light a lighter at sisters on new years, i have never actually LIT anything, especially not anything as complicated as a pipe. i really wanna smoke with these nice girls and have them think me hip and cool, but i don't know them well enough to admit my deficiency or ask them to light it for me, and i'm probably going to either burn my nose off or look like an ass, and i'm so paniced about it i wake myself up.

the reason i'm dreaming so much is my sleep's been off. last night i ended going over to ch's, though i probably shouldn't have. he and joe were too drunk when i got there. i brought my new card game which joe liked, but ch hated, and he kept wandering off to chat on bear411. here's him, typing and smoking.

i left at 11, but he was up till 4, typing and smoking. and we both had to process all those flowers today. those tens of thousands of flowers. 3,000 roses. 150 stems of baby's breath. 350 tulips. and so on and so on and so on.
i ihave a grea picture that belongs here, but i can't seem to get flickr to acknoledge the recipt of it. will post it tomorrow.
the colored roses are fabulous this year. lots of varieties i love, like movie star orange and rafaela pink. and new fabulous ones- a two tone yellow inside pink outside called cherry brandy. a green outside yellow inside called limbo. but it's so hard on my hands. i've already got an embedded thorn and lots of cuts- bled on the roses twice. at some point you just get past the whining. i need to do my usual saturday tasks, now, however. i lost so much time working. just cause it feels like a weekday doesn't mean i don't still need to water my plants, do my homework, shower.



am going crazy! came home and plopped in front of the computer. i need to EAT dinner! but no, all i can do is try and get a new template. and i CAN'T! i don't know how to host random sized images! flickr won't do it, york won't do it... i have these pretty templates, but no one to host them!! boooo! does anyone else host pictures?!!?! gifs of a certain size?

am thinking about going to ch's, but i think i'm too tired. today all our roses came. here's me, standing in front of the 14 boxes. whew. good thing i wore my striped thigh highs today. ch said he could see my muscles move in them as i hauled boxes around- he said it screwed up my hot pink reception.

and here are pics from the argintinian hairdresser's wedding!
first, me in my fabulous wedding get up, a blooming hairdoo and the cheetah boots:

and here's ch and i, the old married couple. yes, my jacket coordinates with his tie. what else could you expect from us?

now i'm going to eat dinner. i can't believe i still have to work 8 more days in a row.


down at the hanging cross ranch

i've been so tired. so after my last pitiful message. i got my shit together, washed the dishes, cleaned the vestabule, had a good talk with l, took my flower remidies, and felt fabulous.

i'm sorry the last post was so pitiful. it wasn't quite that dark, but it sure felt it. i didn't mention I GOT PEARL FIXED! well, not fixed exactly- replaced, for only a $30 processing fee. so i have my very own brand new ipod, pearl's second cousin. i lost a few playlists and worse, my booklists for the library. but how can i complain! my communte has music again, and it fills me with joy! how could i not be happy, when my house is clean and i have music in my ears? unfortunately have broken my ghetto headphones, however. i really need to buy a new pair. earbuds. something small and easier to carry in the pocket.

classes went fine yesterday. got full points on my corset. am still hopeless at ceramics. work in the costume shop was wonderful. i finished up draping the dress christopher designed for kathe, and transfered it to paper. and it brought me such joy, because there is nothing, but nothing i enjoy more in the world than patternmaking. if i had to choose between patternmaking and working as a taster in a chocolate factory, i'd choose patternmaking. also, finally had frances look at my portfolio, and it went well. i still have alot of work to do on it, but it's mostly organization, rather than painting. this makes me very happy.

when i went into the flowershop today, a delightful sight awaited me. apparently we've been really slow at the flowershop, cause yesterday mary and ch did huge amounts of cleaning and organization. mary tided drawers and papers, and ch put away the broken computer and moved the stereo back from the corner with the dead computer to the main workstation where all the cds are. and he moved the old third roommate out of there. i hope we can get him fixed! so since it was so neat and tidy, i boxed up a bunch of paperwork for him to store, and alpahbatized all the cds today. we're making room for all those roses, arriving the day after tomorrow! so ch and i are reorganizing and boxing up everything we can put in storage. that includes doing things like this:

yes, those are foam funeral pieces wired to the ceiling. welcome to our flowershop, now nicknamed the hanging cross ranch.

oh, and talking about ch, he's one of modern fabulosity's finalists. so if you don't read modern fabulousity, you should. and once you do, you should vote for ch. even if you don't, you should vote for ch. that link one more time is modern fabulosity, and ch is canidate #1! he doesn't think he's gonna win, cause he doesn't have a blog with faithful readers to ratchet up his votes, but i told him i'd send my plea out into the cyberworld.


so tired

too tired to cook dinner, in fact. am just going to type online, and have my dishes and messy house get me down. i am too overwhelmed with my life right now. i want to just work, i can't keep up work and everything else. i my subconcious has decided that the easiest thing to get rid of is all my friends, so i'm just alienating people left and right. not that this is any judgement on them- i am the alien in the relationships. it's like i'm going down a list, one after another, and fucking them all up. i hate myself for it (among other things) but i can't seem to stop it, just the same.


argentinian hairdresser's wedding

grrrl, it was really lame. ch and i had a rocking time driving down there, but we arrived on time- duh! when ch said it started at 5, i should have said, south american time? we both knew better. but no. we were there 2 hrs before the groom got there. sigh. at least i looked fabulous. eventually some other friends of ch came and took some good pics, but i took this one. it doesn't show much of me, which may dissapoint some readers, but whatever. you see me dressed up all the time. how often do you get to see ch looking like this?

as l said, dreamy.
so it was cold and long and boring. the food was nasty and meaty. it was all just so wierd. this beautiful woman- she looked like an older julieta venegas, or at least she had her eyemakeup- with her big white dress and flowers in her hair. it made me want to know her story- honey, why are you doing this? do you need the money that badly? you could find a really nice man who will love you to marry. i was feeling sad about it, but ch said on the way home, "did you see that suit her girlfriend who caught the boquet was wearing? they seemed pretty cuddly. maybe she's a lesbiana." and that made me feel better. the argentinian hairdresser was so nervous- ch pointed out how he kept licking his lips. it was so wierd, how they danced with their friends so close, and so awkwardly with each other. while we were eating, someone started banging their knife against the glass. everyone blushed and blushed and giggled and giggled, and finally the groom pecked the bride on the cheek.

ugh. and i am so unprepared for 25 hrs of classes and 8 hrs of work in the next 3 days. but i just cant. i can't cook anymore. i can't do my dishes. i want someone to come and help me with them. i just can't keep up on life, and school. it's just too much.

sushi, etc

so i did nothing yesterday before i had to leave. ok, i got about a hour of fiction writing done, but that was it. spent too much time doing that stupid meme for y'all. and do i get any comments as a reward? no. i've gotten one comment on the past 5 posts. makes me feel lonely. am i being snide? sorry. i don't mean it, faithful blog readers. i'm just feeling lonely- i haven't talked to l all weekend (and probably won't for the rest- tonight is west wing night) and i'm mad at a. i called her wednesday, and listened to her stories, then when i say i have to go, she's like, hey, can i whine about lucas? like it was her who called me and me who was telling all my stories for the past 10 minutes! then on friday when i was feeling so fragile, i called her to tell her about this, and i say, thanks for listening to me whine, and she says no problem. but when i say i'm at the restaurant, she's like, well, someday you'll have to give ME a chance to tell MY stories. and i started to cry, i was so hurt. she's all, "i'm joking, i'm joking" but yeah right. you don't joke with someone who's just told you how fragile she's feeling. so after i bought my lunch i called her back and let her tell me all about lucas. which was really not that exciting and not that new of news. then she calls on saturday morning as she's been doing rather faithfully of late, just to tell me what she did friday night. her friend trouble was all fucked up on all kinds of shit, they were just carrying her around. and a was so proud she hadn't slept with anyone this week. i feel like i'm her mother, getting my call of her checking in and telling me what she's up to.

anyway, this is not what i planned on blogging about! i planned on telling you about last night, michelle's opening of etemology of bird. we went out for dinner before hand- michelle, christopher, david and i. it was really fun- we went to the sushi place on michigan. i'd never been out for sushi before and needed a little explaination. we had edamame while we waited, and i got vegetable tempura maki, and it was all really good. and it was so much fun to go out with 4 of my favourite people at once- like, they all live in chicago! proof that i can make friends on my own without ch around. david went home, and christopher was michelle's date to the show. kendal and i were working, so we teamed up and got the food for the party all ready. the play was good- not as funny as the ted ward prize winner i designed last year, but there was fun rapping and some really good dancing. there were these breakdancers who came out and in with their little jumpsuits and their big pieces of cardboard... i remembered when i was little, in the 80s, and i got an easel for christmas. we so rarely used it- mom wasn't a big fan of paint, or anything too messy- but we kept the box, and z and i played with it all the time. i was going to be a big time breakdancer, trying to spin on my back on my big piece of cardboard.

oh, and after the show was when the really wierd thing happend. brad, the set designer, the boyfriend of the really odd costume designer elyz, he says- "caitlin! you designed cripple of innishman! i just put two and two together! my friend sarah was talking to you online a while ago!" and i'm like, "maybe..." trying to remember a sarah who commented here, or something. and he's like, yeah, she's my ex girlfriend, and she said she was talking to a costume designer who goes to school here online, and i've been trying to figure out who it is, and it's you! and then he says her screen name and it all comes back.... she's the craigslist girl! when z was finding dates for me, back when i was first becoming more than friends with l. the one in the suburbs with the two kids! and i'm like "oh" and brad gives me this smile, and i'm not sure what it means! does he know his exgirlfriend is posting women-seeking-women ads on craigslist? did he just make the connection and is now gonna be wierd to me cause i'm a dyke? it was really weird. luckily i rode the train home with kendall, and could tell her the whole story. she laughed and said it was like rent.

so i need to get some fiction writing done now, cause the argentinian hairdresser finally got married, and his reception is today. i was feeling whiny about it, cause it's on the far southwest side at a seafood restaurant. but ch called me this morning and said he'd borrowed johnnyb's car and i could wear whatever shoes i wanted, and we won't have to leave at like 8. this rocks. so i guess i will dress up like a tart instead of a baby king. i do the lepard print boots better anyway.


finally, the meme you've been waiting for

Four Jobs You’ve Had In Your Life

1. volunteer in the reading public library's children's department
2. craft barn worker at a summer bible camp
3. house manager for a homeless shelter
4. florist

Four Movies You Could Watch Over And Over

1.run lola run
2. kissing jessica stein
3. when harry met sally
4. it's a wonderful life

Four Places You’ve Lived

1. reading, Pa
2. shillington, Pa
3. hyde park, chicago
4. edgewater, chicago

Four TV Shows You Love To Watch

i don't believe in tv. you know this.

Four Places You’ve Been On Vacation

1. Philly- i took a bus there to visit jason at temple, it was the first time i traveled by myself, and i was so free.
2.Rehoboth beach- my dad's side of the famiy takes over rodney street one week every year. even now with those gays encroaching.
3. detroit- who does this? i must be in love
4. germany- really, my destination of choice, whenever i manage to scrounge up enough money

Four Blogs You Visit Daily

1. dooce
2. um, i'm trying to be better about my lj friends page
3. l's blogs, hoping she'll post something again someday
4. i faithfully visit a softer world every friday

Four Of Your Favourite Foods

1. chocolate. if i have to get specific, i'd say godiva chocolate ice cream.
2. cauloflower. when i have to pick a vegetable of choice, i usally pick this one.
3. fresh basil. as pesto. with sweet tomatoes and fresh mozzerella. it's hard to go wrong.
4. the blue elephant's spinach noodles with peanut sauce. they're that good.

Four Places You’d Rather Be

1. in l's bed, warm, soft and purple
2. being lazy in philly- maybe walking to the coffee shop and the thrift store if we're feeling adventurous.
3. germany, natürlich. ummm, buying veggies from a market on breiterstraße in nürnberg.
4. getting my drawings, writing done, not wasting so much time online

Four Albums You Can’t Live Without
a.- albums that are part of your soul:
1. over the rhine- good dog bad dog
2. patty griffin- living with ghosts
3. indigo girls-swampophelia
4. sixpence none the richer- this beautiful mess

b.- albums you listen to daily these days
1. amy ray- prom
2. everything but the girl- amplified heart
3. brandi carlile
4. postal service- give up

Four Vehicles You’ve Owned

1. purple huffy 10-speed
2. blue jamis aragon hybrid
3. #6 jackson park express bus
4. red line granville

Four People To Be Tagged

HA! there is no blogger left on the planet who hasn't been tagged with this meme! everyone's done it by now! even dooce! if you're reading this and you haven't, well consider it your big chance. my goodness.


"we're sorry, due to higher than expected support traffic in our store, we will not be able to provide you with assistance at this time. please try again later or see a mac specialist about becoming a member of procare where you can make a reservation up to 7 days in advance, in addition to a host of other benefits."

grrrrrrr. i hate the apple web page more than most things. i hate that i love their products so much, because they are assholes when it comes to support. poor pearl. i'm going to have to felt her a little coffin, i fear. she was in this world such a short time, and brought so many people such love.



l was giving me a hard time about not even wanting to watch bush's state of the union address- saying i'd read it in the newspaper, that rather than getting angry i get sad, and there are those movies i avoid for the same reason- she's like, "how does it feel to be removed from the real world, caitlin?" i felt really bad, but when i started typing in the title of this entry, the previous post "from bush's second inaugural address" popped up as an old title- see i read the whole thing and picked out quotes and everything. just cause i don't watch tv doesn't mean i don't participate in real life. so there.

have been in a terribly bitchy mood all day. ch and i were NOT playing well off each other. in fact, we were practically fighting all day. we both better get some sleep this weekend. well, i don't know what he needs. i know that will make me feel alot better. i'm just a mess. your typical friday night mess. i know i'll be better tomorrow, but that doesn't make tonight any easier. l's got enough to deal with with swmnbm these days, and so i don't wanna add to that stress. i'm just feeeling so wistful about it all. i'd love to see her before she goes to oman, but i don't think that's going to happen.

finally made dinner. my poor cherry tomatoes had all schriveled up. they still tasted good stirfried, though. put on bruce hornsby and the range's "the way it is" on the turntable. i must be very sensitive, it made me cry left and right. especially every little kiss. "well what would i do without the nights and the phone and the chance just to talk to you- what would i do now, just to talk to you, a thousand miles away..." i don't know about bruce or the zombies. i know i can safely quote al stewart with no one (well, occasionally z) ever getting it. (and i'm so very sad that no one gets my everything but the girl quotes!) and i know other 80s things like wilson philips and rem are well known. but bruce- i feel like no one ever knows or remembers him, but then i'll be in a mall and here mandolin rain... anyway. i've just had a sobbing sort of night.

amberlee invited me to an afterparty tonight, on the west side at midnight. yeah right. that's so my scene. but i do have friends in chicago...

oh god, and the big news of the day. so there's this cute dyke who's been working mornings at the bookstore. ch keeps making these stereotypical comments, like "you should go over and ask about their vegetarian cookbooks" or "you should go over and ask her if she has a book on raising huskies" or "you should go over and ask her if they carry 'lesbian signs'" so i did go over and ask her about the textbook i need. she was very bitter. she hated her job, and didn't get enough sleep too, it seemed. she couldn't help me. but anyway, that story is only slightly related to how i've talked all week about how if there are any tulips left from our tulip special i was gonna take them home to hannah in 3w. then ch sold them all, so it looked like no flowers for hannah this week. but then, when he was packign up the flowers, he found a vase arrangement of double bloom yellow tulips. so i just wrapped those up in paper and brought them home. and i heard her upstairs, so i went up and gave them to her! she was just as nice as before, i was just as awkward and flustered as before, and she was just as well dressed as before. i really do wanna be her new best friend. i dont' know how to tell her this without being wierd, creepy and pushy though.

ok, so that's enough. i need to go to bed now. i've wasted way too much time online, shopping, (don't worry, textbooks) blogging, and the new cult a's started me on- finding people i knew in high school on friendster. aggh! it's taking over my life.


darlings i love you, but...

i just can't blog tonight. ch took me out for a margarita after work and now i'm tired and hungry. also- am never home. i need to cook, but i never have time. maybe tomorrow. yesterday- classes- um.. got half the bones in my corset, draped half of the bodice for my dress for woychek, but the ragtime fittings kept coming in. ceramics was a bust again. it's amazingly incredible to me how bad i am at that. everyone else in my class creates these artistic sculptures, and i create this kindergarden blobby mud pie. soul soothing, yes, but not good for the self esteem. work today = uninteresting. really. margaritas, finished book, jen called, now i'm here. oh, i guess i've been wasting too much time on friendster trying to get people from high school to be my friends. that's about all. see, i did have a blog entry in me. not an excting one, but an update nonetheless.