skin

so you'll have to forgive this blog entry, i've been feeling particularly horny.

did i tell you about being on the dance floor at spin? it was just uncomfortable. libby and jason were really getting it on with each other, and i just felt so third, like i didn't know anyone well enough to dance with them. i know this isn't supposed to stop a girl, but it stops me. i'm also stll so self-consious... i've come a long way in my dancing skills since high school, but i still step on feet, can't feel the music, aren't agressive enough. i couldn't seem to finish my drink so that made me awkward, too. i just felt like i was a foot tapper in a sea of grinders. there was this really drunk straight girl there with her boyfirend, having a fabulous time. libby was like, you should dance with her, she's straight! and i'm like, no, i don't fall FOR straight girls, straight just happens to be a complication many of them have in common. and let me tell you, she was quite common. very bland.

it all just felt so lonely, and made me miss all the love at stillettoes. (l's right, that weekend has become like a dream.) there's nothing like feeling all by yourself in a very crowded place. i was watching these two chicks dance, and one whispered something into the other's ear, and in response the other giggled and stuck her nose into the girl's neck. it was such a friendly intimate gesture, and i was trying to remember the last time someone touched me. not mitzi, she doesn't count. i've petted ch on the shoulders a couple of times during v-day, but that, like hugging, doesn't count, as it's through clothing. i'll brush customers hands when i give them their change, but i don't think that should really count, either. i decided it was probably cuddling over new years with the philly dykes. which seemed really sad, but then i remembered mom was here a couple of weeks ago for my oral surgery. i'm sure there was skin-to-skin contact then. is this soemthing anyone else in the world keeps track of?

i wasn't sure if this all was gonna get typed about but then it fit in so nicely with my thoughts today, after all my classes. the last class of the night is figure drawing. and you know what they always tell you about figure drawing, how it's weird for the first 5 min or so, but after that, they just become lines and shapes and shading? well, i am here to tell you, it's not true. at least not for me. until the very end of class, it continues to be a very naked person standing up there. and i don't care how casual everyone is about it- there's still something inherently about sex there for me. i'm facinated by how very blond our female model's pubic hair is. she's flatchested with these pointy pointy nipples of a very specific shape. and we just all sit in a circle around her, staring at her for hours. i find this VERY WEIRD. but at least these are shapes i'm familiar with- the male model is even stranger. one of the longer poses had him all crouched down like he was crawling, and where i was sitting my view was basically just of his ass. so my drawing was pretty much built around the specific shape of the bit of skin that connects his balls up into his buttcrack. it freaks me out how alien male anatomy is- so very strange, so very exterior. got me thinking about one of my favourite franchesca lia block quotes. it's from baby be-bop- "Dirk looked at the playboys that Pup brought, trying to feel something. All he could think of was that the giant breasts must keep the women safe somehow, protected. as if the breasts were padding for their hearts. His own was so close to the surface of his chest. He was afraid Pup might see it beating there." now, i haven't really ever felt able to vote on this one way or another, seeing as how many men have bigger breasts than i do. however, i think i do feel safer having my genitals all on the inside, where no one can see them. it can't be a good idea to be so very exposed.

finally, finished another ron koertge book on the way home. i think i've become addicted. they're all so good. i was reading this one after fiction writing and it made me apriciate just how very well written it is. it's called boy girl boy and it has the BEST sex scene in it. it's so very very honest and true and realistic and funny as hell. even elizabeth crane would like it. i swear. i wish i had enough gumption to type it all up here. i may read it to ch tomorrow at work, i love it so much.

and that's all about sex i have for today, folks. time for me to go to bed. work tomorrow. etc.