ok, here´s a post a bit out of the timeline. but i´ve just arrived at ruths and her boyfriend has dsl! so i´ll get lots of, uh, research done here...
will come back soon with christmas posts, and will try and get the dates in order. thanks for reading all this- meike is shocked at how full my journal is already. who reads all this? she asked me. glad to know you´re out there! thanks for the comment, jamie! i´m sure it´s crazy what i love- and what drives me crazy about your country. feel free to post as well, all you americans. or don´t- or email me. i´d love to hear from you.



her mom had gone early, so wew were driving up alone. i love driving to kaub- the snakey little road right along the rhein, with all the castles and little villages on the steep banks with the steep vineyards that make rhein wein so expensive. and the poor sheep! i hope the woool is more expensive, too! i also love how we´re not just the tourists taking the boat up the rhein, we are going to visit meike´s oma and opa. it´s always a bit of a trial, as i´m always so sleepy and there is such pressure to eat. and i can´t understand their german, and i´m too self concious to yell my german loud enough for them to hear, so... it´s fine, but alwazs seems a rather long afternoon. meike´s oma made me miss my oma. it was still raining when we left, and so late the ferry had stopped running. the only bridge is in mainz, so we had to go all the way back there before going to kibo. we saw michi´s car on the autobahn (he drives a ford fiesta!) he arrived a few minutes after we did, and martin came over a bit later. we watched when harry met sally. and under the christmas tree is mail for me! jamie has sent me the high july cd! they won´t let me open it till christmas, though.

altstadt nochmal

the first thing i did thursday was go back to the altstadt to return my tights. it was so sad to wake up and see the snow replaced with uglz grey rain! all the magic of the night before was melted away. all went very sucessfully at the sockenladen- the salesgirl remembered me from yesterday, and i communicated what i wanted to do- there even wasn´t pink left in the right size, so i got blau instead :-) felt like i putzed around alot in the altstadt, but when i got home it wasn´t even noon. ate indian leftovers and repacked my suitcases. i had just sat down to journal when meike got home and announced it was time to go to Kaub!

indianishes restaurant

afer that we had such a nice evening. we listened to xmas music on pearl while meike wraped gifts and i journaled. then we drove in the snow to breitestraße to find the indian restaurant. it wasn´t hard, and as i predicted, it wasn´t hard to find parking on BREITEstr. there were stone elephants guarding the steps, and they had snow collecting in little piles on their heads and trunks. our poor waiter´s german was about as good as mine, but communication mostlz happened, and the food was really good. the people who sat at the table next to us kept having these academic discussions, meike said. at our table we just gossiped. a fun evening.

THE conversation

meike was home already when i arrived. she was very excited about the kaktus and wanted to hear all about my day. then she asked if she had to wait until tonight to hear my stories. so i told her. it went better than my wildest imaginings. well, in al my worrying i was much more eloquent and she was much less understanding. i had faith she´d be cool with the sexuality thing, she´s friends with michi, after all. but i didn´t expect her to be so understanding and sympathetic about the christian thing. i guess we´re just beyond the point where it´s possible to stop being friends. i´m always so pleasantly surprised when i realize this. i felt so light and free after telling her this- no more secrets and lies. made for a giddy evening.


on wendnesday, meike said i should go to the art exhibit myself, so i figured out the bus route to the hbf and walked from there. i didn´t know it was in the altstadt! it was so adorable! all sorts of fun shops in the bottom of these tut bisch german german buildings on the narrow cobblestone streets. the exhibit was good- downstairs famous pop artists from the 60s then upstairs, their later work and how they influnced later artists. i was more proud of getting there myself than anything else, though. bought some socks at a sock store- fun striped strumpfhosen. but the guz told me to get an enourmous size! i´m going to try and exchange them tomorrow. it was snowing when i left. so beautiful! yesterday when i was looking for a very german thing to do- this is what i was looking for. buying meike a weihnachtskaktus out of a green smelling blumenladen in a halftimbered building and slipping on the cobbelstone street. the german word gemütlich fits much better than cozy or charming or sweet.


janik (& ramón!)

meike and i went shopping downtown when i got home. i love wandering through all the little shops on the pedestrian streets! we had decided to eat indian food for dinner, but then michi called- janik was there! so we decided to go there and i´d meet him- finally it seemed to me. we´d run out of time to go out for dinner, so we went to the HL and bought more pizzas for ramón. ah! how could i have written so much about mz trip and not mentioned ramón! he is michi and his roomate jürgen´s new oven. he´s very sleek and sexy, super space age design, so that even straight jürgen thought he needed a porn star name. it is the sexy ramón that´s been heating up our pizzas. before i talk about the pizzas, though, i should mention the amazing parking platz we scored right across the street from michi´s wohnung. m&j have spent 2 hrs. searching for a spot in neustadt before, so one of their requirements for their new place is a designated parkplatz. anyway, meike squeezed into this place with about 15 cm in front and back. michi and analise heated pizza in ramón, and janik and meike and i chatted in michi´s room. it´s hard to get to know anyone in one evening, esp. someone who doesn´t speak much english, but janik seems really funny, and a totally nice guy.really hot too, it a verz german way. definately a couple to make straight girls sad. he has this flight simulation program that goes to chicago, and so we talked about meig´s field. he said i speak "hoch american" which is so nice to hear! analise had to leave to catch her train, but the rest of us drank wine, ate chocolate, and watched "all over the guy." thought of ch when christina ricci had a cameo. michi gave me a look at one point that just screamed "did you tell her?" to me. and i was so ashamed i posted a note on the bathroom mirror telling meike i have stories that i´m afraid to tel her because i think they´ll make her sad, but she is important to me, so make me do it!


i am so lazy! i´m in germany! i should be out doing german things, but i am so content to just lie lazily around meike´s apartment every day. i´ve read a whole maupin book, painted a picture of meike´s living room, listen to pearl and the radio, eaten alot of toast and drunk alot of tee. all this free time would be great to do homework in. but to be lazy feels so good! all i´ve done is journal and type emails. i´m im urlaub. on vacation. i don´t have to do anything.


she seemed like a really cool person, and i was excited to meet another english speaker. but all my attempts at small talk were rebuffed. i don´t feel like she liked me much. everthing i said was either met with disbelief or correction. the 3 of us went to the christmas market and drank glüwein- actually one step up- they pour brandy over a cone of sugar and set it on fire, letting it melt into the wine. i forget what it´s called. it was good, though. meike called us after her nap and we decided to go to her house to eat dinner and play games. i let analise take control of the vegetable cooking and the rice, and wasn´t whiny or cocky at all when it stuck to the bottom. after all, i didn´t speak up and say to add more water. however, it did give me the courage to stand up to her and say there are about 9 sq. ft. in a sq. meter. it became kinda a big argument, and iäm like, why are we fighting about this? i don´t care, it´s just that i´m right. it´s not that i care if anyone here thinks i´m right, i just want you to know iäm not convinced by you. we played games and drank bailey´s and it ws fine. after they left, i told meike, i thought she didn´t like me. and meike, bless her, didn´t say "girl, don´t be silly!" or " your´re just jelous cause she can speak german and you can´t." she gave me the benifit of the doubt, and talked about dominant personalities. finally she said, " we had a fun evening and we don´t ever have to see her again- rrrrrrruks!" and gave me a hug. it was just what i needed- to hear she loves me even if i am as stupid as analise made me feel, and i had fun anyway, and i need to remove myself from this vortex, stop obsessing, and move on.
die schildkröte- turtle

tag mit michi

on monday, michi was back in mainz and ready to hang out with me. so nice to see him! it seems like it hasn´t been that long- i guess since at 2 years ago, he´s the german i´ve seen most recently. and we email often enough. he reads here. and so on. we talked about meike, how i haven´t told here i´m not a christian yet. let alone the whole lesbian thing. he assured me it´s only gonna get worse as i wait, i have to do it now. he was really nice- i felt a bit ashamed, like i was using him just for my own purposes. i mean, i always make us talk about me and my same old problems. he´s got a life of his own, changing his major to one he adores, finding a new apartment and moving in with his boyfriend. i do care, and should let him tell me about his problems insetad of just going on and on about mine. we chatted, played games, listened to cds and ate frozen pizza while waiting for analise to call. frozen pizza always reminds me of my first day ever in germany. i love how german frozen pizza has directions in 9 different languages on the back of the box. you would not believe how hard it is for an american to type "type frozen pizza" on a german keyboard. we walked downtown to go christmas shopping. finallz got in touch with analise and made plans to meet up with her.



i woke up with meike again, but then i fell back asleep until 11! i think i may soon be on german time, and not bombay or whatever anymore. i painted a little, but then i realized that meike would be home soon and i haven´t left the house AGAIN, and so i put my key in my pocket and went out to wander. meike had left me a map, so i did´t worry about getting lost. there was a sign saying "Fußgangerbrüke" so i followed it. thought i might see water, but it just went over the Allee. on teh other side is the uni campus, where michi´s classes are. i wandered around. there was a sign for a pop art exhibit. i asked meike about it when i got home, and she said perhaps we´ll go there this week. she was there when i got home. we chatted and ate doritos. "cool ranch" is "cool american" here. then we headed off to kibo again. meike´s basketball party is tonight. i finally got online to type emails! that was when zou all got the first set of these. while meike was as the party, birgit and i worked hard- she prepared her english and french christmas units and i typed emails. then we made schwarz und weiß plätzchen where you make plain and chocolate dough and roll them out on top of each other, then roll them both up into a tube and slice it to make little spirals. und wir hat tannenbaum geschmuckt! the first time i was in germany i helped decorate the tree before i left. this time i´ll stay for the celebration!


after meike came home, we went right to kibo to see her mom and go to her basketball game. she was so tired i didn´t think she´d make it to kibo, let alone have enough energy to play basketball. but she dropped me off at home on andreaestr. and her mutti fed me soup and asked me to help her grade some english tests. (her mom teaches highschool english and french) " i think that sometimes i don´t exisit for you." where does the "for you" go? i said "i feel sometimes you think i don´t exist" would be better, but it´s not a very direct translation. reflexive is always hard. when we went to the basketball game, one of birgit´s friends was there, and i felt that familiar shunned feeling- until i listened closely and found i could understand what they were talking about, oh, 50% of the time. it was just enough to assure me the rest of the time they weren´t talking about me. i occasionally made a comment in english to prove i was following along. i had to really concentrate though- i could either follow the game or the conversation, never both. vocabulary´s so funny. eis is ice cream, but it´s also ice on the roads. when i think "Korb" i imagine a wicker basket on the arm of a hausfrau in the grocery store with a leek sticking out of it- but it´s a basket in basketball, too! when we got home i helped birgit with dinner and more english. when meike came home, my mother called and we both talked to her and allie. we watched while you were sleeping with dinner. unfortunately, meike had bought it in kanada, and it was in english! oh well.
teilen- to share
auszeit- time out
begeistert- enthusiastic


meikes schöne wohnung

it´s great, 2.stock, with a balkon, an american closet, an open kitchen and a bedroom. it´s all bright and yellow and orange- sunflowered and sponge painted. very meike. when ikea sorts things, vases or wrapping paper or whatever- i´m such a sucker for the green-blue-purple combination (see kitchen cabnets). meike is the red-orange-yellow version sort. that´s us, 2 completely different color schemes, but we both shop at ikea. we bonded in the bathroom about both having sparren undersink cabnet. we both took a nap, then michi called.* we ate dinner and looked at pictures, listened to christmas music. (i pod is currently named pearl. mom´s idea, since it´s pearlywhite, and it makes mine and allie´s a nice sisterly pair- ruby and pearl) i slept fitfully and woke up about 5. no clue as to what time it was. it seemed so dark, but i felt i´d been sleeping forever. when meike got up an hour later, i finally had a point of reference. she sounded like she was trying not to wake me in the kitchen, so i tried to say in german, "i´m not really asleep, zou can be loud" she said in english, "oh, i think it´s too early to be loud" and i tried to say in german "then your bread can be loud," cause i don´t know the word for toast. she laughed so i felt successful.
words of the day:
rolletreppe: escalator
rastalocken: dreadlocks
einschüchternd: intimidated


arriving was so exciting. all those ads in german! people will care about my crazy german obsessions! i love saying "entschuldigung!" when i bump into people. during that unending hour in the train station, i was surrounded by all those people in such a hurry, who all could communicate with each other by speaking german into their cell phones´- i have none of these things. (after mom bought me good rates here, i get no service. doesn´t it figure?) i want to live meike´s life in her little sunny apartment in grey germany. but i kept realizing no matter how hard i try, i can never be german. no matter how many americans think i´m crazy for cutting apart and resewing together all my pillowcases so they´ll fit my german pillow, for having a wasserkocher and drinking so much tee, for trzing to conserve water and electricity, and recycling; it will never be enough here, with their wierd toilets, wierd lightswitches, wierd money. Chris Rea´s driving home for chistmas came on FFH, and stefan the dj came on and talked in german about how the song was about driving home and visiting family for christmas. i felt so foriegn and started crying- what is wrong with me, that i am choosing to spend chrsitmas so far awaz from people who know me, in a place where even the christmas lights have bizzare plugs?

morgen allein

never did fall back asleep. what´s wrong with me? how can someone so tired lying in the dark for so long not sleep? took a lovely bath with this öl meike had been saving for me, her tub is huge and i almost got my book wet. turned on the radio while tidying up, and am listening to shtefan on ef-ef-ha.


sehr müde

so tired in the airport! customs line was long, but the pink haired official barely looked at me. i didn´t even get a stamp in my paßport. my suitcases were the first i saw in the baggage claim, and i was on my way. i found the right train, and i was amazed at how much i understood the conductor. i could tell which side the doors were going to open on. i understood when he said we´d be standing for a few minutes but hoped to be moving shortly. then there was an announcement where i thought he said "we´re not stopping at the mainz hbf and if zou want to got there zou need to get train s# on track # at this time" but i was tired and didn´t trust myself and didn´t believe it would skip over the hauptbahnhof, esp because the sign on the platform had said it would stop there. Well, wouldn´t you know, i ended up in wiesbaden. the wrong side of the river. had to take another train back. then i proceeded to make bad desiscions from arriving in mainz- i was sooo tired. i found the schließfacher sign pointing DOWNSTAIRS, and decided i was too tired to drag my suitcases down more stairs to store them for 2 hours and pay 1e for the privelege. so i schleped them with me all the way to the fachsnachtsbrunnen where i bought my favourite little breadstand roll, a laugenbrötchen (forgetting how VERY hard it is to say) and sat on a bench near the fountain to eat it. this is when it started to rain. wandered about trying to stay on familiar streets without cobblestones. got back to the trainstation at 10 to 2 and spent the next hour counting the minutes, falling asleep, shivering, waiting for meike to come tickle me.

air india

when last you heard from me, i was in chicago, too sick to move and lots of homework to do. now... well, as i write this, i´m in kirchheimbolanden, with my christmas cookie dough chilling in the refrigerator. thursday i only felt gross, a considerable improvement over wednesday. i went to mz first class and called in sick to the others, and to work. i returned my library books and went to the flowershop and said goodbye to ch and gave him his christmas gifts, and did the rest of my packing. i loaded as many albums as i could think of onto my ipod. left for the airport. arrived a little more than 2 hours before my flight left. well, the air india line was the whole way to the end of the terminal! it was crazy! all those indians and their fancy suitases! chatted with the beautiful girl in front of me in line. she rode the train with me to the airport and was on the same flight- i quickly learned thez were all on the same flight. there is only one flight. stops in frankfurt, bombai, and one more indian city. i was less worried after seeing how many people were behind me. it only took me 1 1/2 hrs to get to the check in counter. i was at the gate with all my baggage inspected before the scheduled take off. the plane was HUGE! double decker, 84 rows, i was 1/2 way back, 58. my seat mates were other single women, a girl transfering in frankfurt to spend a year working in istambul, and a phd student at UIC going home to bombai for xmas. before we even took off the adorable little purple and turquoise saried stewardess was passing out orange juice. the student told us the joke that on air india, they are always feeding you- they wake you up to feed you. it was true. after take off, we had our drinks and ''snack'' which was spicy and yummy, and will make me more adventurous next time i'm in a snackshop on devon. then dinner- yellow rice with cashews and rasins, pea and cauliflower curry, and these fried potato filling balls- will have to ask samir about this. by far the worst indian food i´ve ever had- but also the best airplane food i´ve ever had! after 3 mizerable hours of sleepless darkness, they really did wake us up to feed us breakfast! very continental fruit and crosant. the barf bag was beautiful too- printed with this fancy indian design. i brought one home with me.


"he's starting to recycle"

hey y'all! check out my blog! i'm getting comments! nothing a poor sniffly girl likes more than comments. the subject line's a text message between my mom and allie- mom's big example of how marty is changing, and she'll soon have him trained as well as the dog. we'll see. so glad to hear allie makes mom uncomfortable, too. it's not just neurotic worried little old me. most people's parents are pretty uncomfortable with "stuff like that" i guess. but probably other people's parents aren't such good resources. i mean, i recomend mom to friends with birth control problems. i guess it's just generational baby steps. again, look at my grandparents. i think grandma had "the talk" with mom by showing her the bra section of the sears catologe.
onto christmas markets: chicago actually does call theirs the "christkindlemarket" with that english propensity for vowels. it's all the little booths with the red and white striped tents, in "daleyplatz" downtown- all around the piccasso sculpture, in the shadow of the mies van der rohe buildings. the shops are exactly the same- cutwork lace, straw ornaments, the little wooden smoking people- it's crazy. there are a couple of places to buy beer and soft pretzels or potatoes in various forms (i've never understood the american view german=bavarian) but there is a glüwein stand, just what one needs in frigid windy chicago. i never seem to be able to finish mine before it gets cold. and there's few things nastier than cold glüwein. they have the liebkuchen hearts of course. almost bought one for ruth, who lives in nürnberg. but it seemed the joke wasn't worth lugging it so far, worrying about it breaking. we were gonna have our "company christmas party" (ie, charles and i going out) after work today, but i'm unfortunately to sick to move. there's certanly practically a culture of stories involving getting drunk at the holiday party at work. i thought this was a stupid amerian thing. funny the things that are universal.
meike lives in a tiny town outside of mainz. she won't be able to meet me in the morning when my plane comes in, so i'll take the train to the mainz bahnhof and meet her there in the afternoon. where else but in europe can you say, "coming out of the train stations there are 5 streets, take the 2nd from the right..." bit different than chicago's grid system. if i had more time, and now, if i wasn't so sick, was thinking of taking a daytrip up to köln to meet jamie. if for no other reason than to beg her for a copy of high july (have i mentioned they have to print more and my copy won't come till after the new year?) but my time with meike and michi will be so short as it is. i would be able to take daytrips from ruth's after i've recovered and when she's working, but that's much to far to be a daytrip. but perhaps some other time. i try to be a frequent traveler to europe. we're already making plans to watch christmas movies, i hope it works out. i love watching wärend du schlafst in german, and i hear michi has national lampoon's xmas vacation, too. i'm taking mine. how lovely, to be curled up under a fluffy decke with my friends watching christmas movies in german.


god, i'm so sick. i can't be, but i am. it started yesterday in classes. drenched a hankerchief during text analysis. drank so much water during fashion history. on the way to work at the costume shop, bought some dayquil, some nyquil, and a big box of tissues. was counting the hours before i could go home. got sympathy from my therapist. she thinks i have too much stress and scarry work too. came home and started working on the list. packed, called grandma, called aunt janet, thanked them for the xmas gifts. slept fitfully all last night then woke up this morning too weak to move. couldn't make myself get to work. called off, called g and asked her if she would go to walgreens for me. and she did. this is why i want to keep her so badly as a friend. she comes over with more drugs and ginger ale and crackers and cough drops. then she pulls out a little stuffed lizard she got to keep me company. she pours me so me some ginger ale, and asks if she can have some too. then she comes into the sickroom and sits down with our ginger ale and says i'll just drink this with you, then i'll wash your dishes. !!!! and she did. can you imagne the weight that is lifted from my shoulders? i absolutely will be able to make it to germany knowing that my dishes are done. i've slept on and off all afternoon. i have no idea how this is going to all work out. i have faith that it will though. what is my other option? stay home? no way! i'm so glad meike is a kinderkrankenschwester and will take care of me when i arrive. uggh. if i live that long.


wasted time

72 hrs. left and what am i doing? printing out papers for class tomorrow? doing very necessary research for my show? mailing back the rebate for my printer my mother needs me to do before i leave? of course not. i'm replying to one of those stupid questionaires ruth send me. you know, what's your name fave toothpaste flavor color of your car etc. in german. i've been online an hour and a half. this is crazy. i was gonna pack tonight. figure out how i'm gonna get all her frosting to germany. now it's nearly bedtime. and i've done nothing. eaten dinner. wow. haven't even updated my blog readers. mom left today, so now i can get packing for my trip. ch made me feel really bad. he was angry at me for yet again bringing up how mom's favourite movie is chocolat and we dis her for it. why can i remember everything about ch's life and nothing about mine? he was angry at me last time she was here and i did this. why can't i remember? he also thinks she's different- relationships do change people. haven't gotten a chance to see what it is he's noticed. perhaps at the company christmas dinner wednesday night. i can't even remember what i've written and what i haven't. yesterday mom and i went shopping. all the way up north to waxmans for candles. we went to su van's for lunch. i haven't been there since they moved, and it was SO nice. their veggie chili is AMAZING! and still just $3 for a bowl. anyone in chicago must eat there! we met g downtown. she was late showing up, so mom and i went shopping in borders. i'm so embarrassed. it's not hard for me to boycott starbucks or walmart. but borders i have a hard time with. it's so tempting! we bought me christmas dvds- it's a wonderful life, miracle on 34th st, and the muppets christmas carol. joe finally dropped g off, and she was walking to meet us when i was stopped by the channel 7 news people. they saw my wonderful hat and wanted to ask me person on the street type questions about the wind. it was pretty mundane. g and mom and i wandered around christkindlmarket, drinking our glüwein and chatting. my mother is such a chatter. she just adores small talk. she seemed to get along well with g. being my mother, i bet she's prolly figured out my crush on her. my sexualty is pretty much a nonsubject, though. i wonder what makes her so uncomfortable? (perhaps she isn't. it could very likely just be me. but assuming she is...) granted, i can't imagine her or anyone else talking to her parents about sex. (if anyone can get babies from a cabbage patch, it's my grandparents). but it's pretty much been my mom's job for a long time to talk to girls about sex. perhaps she's better in spanish at this point? she gave me the line that it's just as wierd to think about your kids sexuality as it is your parents. but i don't think it's cause i'm her daughter- she doesn't seem to have any problem working my sister about birth control. perhaps she doesn't want me to be thinking about her fucking marty? but that's not because she's my mom- i don't like to think about the freaks ch fucks either. on that thought- i don't want to skip over coming home and watching a movie and ch calling and saying i WAS on the news, but- you'll never guess who called me tonight! r. yes that's right, of ch&r. he was in a fabric shop in pilsen and thougth of me. he was raving about it. it was totally wierd. it's like he wants to still be connected in my life, he kept saying, it's not like i dissapeared. but it is, for me. he and i had nothing i common besides our love for ch. and now that he and ch aren't together, i don't know why he would want me in his life. esp. as i'm so very inclined to take sides- and the the side i'm definately taking in this one is ch's. however, it's always nice to know of new fabric shops in the city. i wasn't rude to him particularly. it was just super wierd. can't wait to tell ch.


guys and dolls

i was gonna be such a worker today. so i can play tomorrow. then anne called, then meike called. oh well. at least i got the paper written. mom's great at cutting people out of magazines for the stupid fashion notebook. if i could only get someone to do my research for sweet water taste. god, i can't believe i have to meet with frances again tuesday. so mom and i went to see guys and dolls tonight. the show i didn't assist in. it was really good. it was fun to tell mom everything i'd made as it walked on stage. glad to go with another pro-40s-musical person. rachel, a knitter in my theater history class was there- she was the lighting designer. she looked SO sexy, in this slinky halter dress- but then when i saw her at intermision, i saw it was pants not a dress. that made it seem a little bit more like her... i was gonna introduce mom to her, but then she was talking to the guy she was with. then she smiled at him, reached her arms around his head, and kissed him! i couldn't believe it! she was living with her girlfriend last year! girls are so wifty about their sexuality! even at this point, i'd feel a little ashamed dating a boy i think. but i also can't IMAGINE dating a boy at this point. did i tell you all i called justine friday night to try and cheer her up after her bad and lonely day? she and i had a really awesome talk, and i hope she felt as energized and connected as i did after it. anyway, one of the things she mentioned was how wonderful samir is, and how glad she was for allie, and how she'd want him if he wasn't allie's. now granted samir is the perfect guy (well, perhaps he could learn to pack lighter, but still) but i don't even want a guy like samir. i'll leave the samirdouble to justine. it's odd, sometimes, what can make you feel like a lesbian. i guess it's no wierder than the things that remind you of your childhoood, or your dead grandmother. or whatever it is that my laundry soap smells like. mom did laundry for me friday (i leave thursday!!! that's like in 4 days!!!) and the towels drying above the heater smelled like it. what is it? i had this vision of being at this big party and a girl walking by in this sexy blue dress, and me catching a whiff of her, and saying to whoever i'm with, "who was that? i have to meet her! i'm going to spend the rest of my life with that woman! she smells like THAT- it's the feeling my laundry detergent gives me!" i guess perhaps this woudn't be a good thing to pass onto my admirerers. i can see the guy who likes me in my text analysis class hearing about it, and i'd smell it on him, and think, shit he must be the one, and then have to date a BOY. eww. i'll leave em to rachel.



everyone was in a bad mood with opening of guys and dolls on thursday, so mom didn't get the good side of anyone when she came to the costume shop. when we came home we had a nice dinner (i'd had the crock pot going) and she started on the dishes. while i was at work all day she cleaned my apartment. i had a nasty produciton meeting, and then mom and i met at marshall fields (she needed more madea and she doesn't have a pa source for north american remedies) and then went to charles's for pizza. he got broccoli and garlic for me. how charming. no one ever buys broccoli unless i beg for it. i love being known. i felt kinda out of it- mom's such a good small talker, i just sat back like in highschool and listened to her engage charles. funny, as opposed to other friends who i feel i have to buffer between them. mom and ch would get along just fine without me. lovely to come home to a clean appartment. worth any trouble of having a guest.
if i would have posted last night, i would have entitled it "end of an era." i threw away my german toothbrush that i've had for 4 years. don't get worried- it's the kind you change the heads on. but i've been having a harder and harder time finding the heads, and when mom was in europe in the spring, she couldn't find them at all and bought me a new replaceable head toothbrush and a year's worth of heads. it feels like such a major change.
lots of dreams last night. dreamed the same one twice, variations on a theme- it's thursday, mom's still here in the first one, i'm not at work or school, but i realize- i'm going to germany, have to leave in a few hours! so i'm frantically trying to pack... it was good use of REM i think. i now have a whole mental list of things to pack, and not forget. i'm definately doing a good enough job at the countdown i won't need to worry about forgetting how soon it's coming.
i'm gonna try and work all day tomorrow and get it done so we can have fun on sunday. i invited g to christkindlmarkt. so mom and i and she and joe and her roommate jess may all go. as always with g, we'll see what happens.
to allie- got pam and marty books- pam a fiction one that's popular and highly recomended, and marty a little one on feng shui. hopefully no offence will be taken. thanks for the encouragement, though.


off again

so, mom comes tomorrow. i don't think i'll be able to post.... again. it was luck that gave me my own room with the computer over thanksgiving, so i don't think i'll get such an opertunity in my very own (very small) home. got work done last night after i posted, but still have so much to do before friday. no energy. same old story. g wrote be back a very cold email. "finals are not over for me as of thursday. i will most certainly be frantically finishing things up as on friday! ugh. but it's
unavoidable. and then i will have to recover for a day. worst finals week ever. at least joe has volunteered to take carolyn to the airport at 5AM saturday. i wasn't saying i wouldn't see you before we left. i just wanted to know when you'd be back." ouch. i deserved it, though. still don't think i'll see her, but we'll see. allie's xmas gift came in the mail today! i'm just waiting for some stuff from the bookstore, and i have a few places to go to w/ mom, but i'm almost finished with my shopping. what in the world does one get a stepfather one doesn't like very much? see you all soon. promise.


time sucked students

looks like ruth will be writing her ba the whole time i'm there. no different from being here- g sent me an email saying she wouldn't be able to see me till i come back from germany. yeah, her ba proposal is due friday, but her bf comes home thursday, so apparently once he's here there's no time for me between then and when i leave next thursday. grrr. not that i'm bitter or anything. come on, though. i'm a student, too. along with all these nasty classes i'm still working 30 days a week. and i'm making time for her. of course, she's making time for him. it's me who gets shafted. it's like me being too busy to ever get around to seeing jen. there's just not that drive. falling asleep sun. i realized that i was more behind than i thought- i had a paper due tuesday i had forgotten about. so after work monday i went to the library to do research and came home and wrote the stupid thing. i was so bitter. was gonna bitch about it here, but there was a problem with blogger and i couldn't post. and it doesn't get any better. still haven't done a bit of research or sketching for sweet water taste. haven't written the thesis and outline for thursday. haven't done a thing tonight but make dinner and read books. i suppose making dinner is an accomplishment. haven't done that since the caulflower curry i took to g all those weeks ago. it's crazy. i used to cook all the time. now i just throw my money away at restaurants or boil in a bag indian boxed dinners or frozen perogies or whatever. don't have the energy to do anything after work or school- not till i get a decent amount of sleep over the weekend. i'm gonna have to find the energy this week though. there's alot due before this weekend. and even more before my plane leaves a week from thursday. 9 days. god.


the other side

Well. so thursday was so awful, and friday a slight climb upwards. well, yesterday was the manic side of it. i felt amazing. i met with jen for about an hour, then did all my christmas shopping on michigan ave. then i went to work, made the arrangement, delivered it, and headed home. i was listening to my new ipod, and had that glorious feeling of being in a movie- being blessed enough to live in a big city. looking cool, spending money, the soundtrack of my life playing in my ears. i love it. when the bus dropped me off to meet jen it was right by millenium park and the rink's open. i love that feeling of flying- mom and i will have to go skating when she comes next weekend. if a girl owns ice skates, she should use them, no? paid my rent, depostited my paycheck. the people at the opera house said that my arrangement was beautiful- and they liked my hair. what more could a girl ask for? drug my purchases home- and the sun was setting as i left the sears tower. it was so gorgeous- these little strips of vibrant colors, pink and orange and blue, bordered by the black of the skyscrapers' silloettes.
then last night ch was having a housewarmning/christmas/smash&grab with stacey in town party. g and i went! it's finals week for her, so that makes her whiny, and she's starting to seriously worry about writing her BA. so i was sure she was gonna wimp out. esp. when she called and said, how bout i drive? but no, we went, and she actually met the ellusive johnny b! so now everyone believes he exists. he's beleived by all now, i think. the party totally rocked. such a wierd combo of people. i was sure there'd be alot of spanish, but everyone stuck to english mostly- there was this guy oscar there who did an amazing job of translating for the spanish speakers. i looked fabulous, of course, with big hair and false eyelashes and my best black dress and my best black shoes... and red fishnets. g and i are a great pair going out, because i'm such a spectacle, and she's so hot... i'd look lame beside her if i wasn't so wild, and she'd be bland next to me if she wasn't so beautiful, so imagine us arriving at a party together! it was a wierd dynamic also being so very out there... i don't know if jim or johnny b or his boyfriend knew that i was gay before, but they do now. g was the only straight one, and she handled it very well. i guess i'm used to her-or whoever- being on my side at such parties, since i always feel like i stick out more by gender rather than sexual orientation. but there were 3 of us girls there, and she was in good company as far as people who like guys go, so perhaps she didn't feel uncomfortable being the only straight one there. she actually commented to me when everyone was talking about hot guys, "wow, this must be hard for you, at least i like guys too..." like she had just had this big moment of epiphany. i would blow it off like, well duh, but then i realized that having stacy there who likes girls was probably influencial in my feeling so out- there is so rarely an outlet for me to talk about girls. i certainly don't know any unmarried straight guys, and who else would talk about girls? i think we stuck out most by being so very young. and inexperienced. not that anyone is experienced compared to gay men, but christians in their early 20s are pretty close to the bottom of that list. we tended to tell other people's stories rather than our own. agan, worried a bit about g, but i knew she could handle it- she certainly had a good time- we stayed till 3. i was so shocked and pleased. thought stacey trying to come on to her would make her uncomfortable, or being so young and straight, but she as always was cooler than i am. and of course, everyone at the party adored her. she makes gay boys bi, she makes confirmed bachelors hum wedding marches, she makes felines wish they were human. it makes me confused- how can one person be so hot?- but also feel more confident- no wonder i'm in love with her, it's forgivable, everyone else is, to some extent, too. well, perhaps not allie and samir. but given a chance i bet they'd fall too.



well. i've gotten 2 calls today from faithful blog readers to make sure i'm ok. how more loved can one feel? it's been another long day, but it got a bit raucus at the end when stacy appeared- it was terrible fun. before that, jim and ch were delivering the balloons (have you ever seen 2 people carry 160 balloons? it's quite a sight) and the museum closed at 4 so stacy came back and she and i were alone in the shop. we had a delightful talk about ch. it's nice to chat with someone who adores him like i do. and to get her take on r, and the breakup and such. ch and stacy and i went to boni vino afterwork. that was another really rocking thing. somehow with stacy i'm so out- it's like i'm in philly w/ leah and dana. she and johnny b are my fave friends of ch's. they are such cool people i'd like them to be my friends on their own. it kinda kicked me out of my mood remenants... that and it being the weekend! not that i have free time. so much schoolwork. but even g canceling tonight couldn't get me down, and i'm sure i'll see her tomorrow night, and i got unpacked Finally, and my old computer all packaged up. if i could just recycle the newspapers, i could have a party. oh, and i need to finish putting up the xmas decorations! still no word on the storm windows. still a chill blowing through my apartment. i get so hot in the real world, cause as soon as i crawl out of bed i crawl into my flannel petticoat and wool socks. i can't afford to leave my heat on all day though! brrrrrr. not very cozy. and my hot water bottle has a leak. keeps my feet warm... but damp. wish i could just go to the apoteke and get a new one. i don't know if i can wait 2 weeks for a new one. i leave in 2 weeks! how can that be! to jamie: americans don't know who janosh is. they don't even know what hot waterbottles are! but we do have dr. seuss who is not just cute but rhymes, too. i have to sign off. i'v been typing this and uploading mp3s for over 2 hrs now. and iming. mom got ichat to work. so now her kitty can talk to my duck. how charming.



it's been a bad, bad day. after all the online problems last night, i realized as i was falling asleep that i didn't have the paper due today printed out. so i woke up early to take care of that- installing the printer software on the new computer, etc. it printed out my bibliography before jamming. i can't get it to take up the paper correctly. i flipped out. was screaming, crying, swearing. kicking things, throwing paper, throwing my breakfast (bagel) against the walls. didn't know what to do. finally showed up at class 20 min late with the last 3 pages of the paper. kept tripping over the phone cord strung across my appartment, and so just plugged it into the back of the new computer. somehow, that fixed the online problem, so now i'm typing on the new computer. and more importantly, it let me email my essay to myself so that i could retrieve it someplace that doesn't have a printer that's a piece of shit. was bitter, bitter. when i arrived in my next class i was so tired. sean (the professor) said good morning to me and i grunted. it was rather rude. i wasn't prepared, hadn't done the reading, didn't participate in the discussion, and it was 80 degrees in the classroom. i took off my long sleeved shirt and my shoes. didn't think i could survive text analysis. it's brecht. no way could i sit through epic play discussion. i can't even finish mother courage and her children. so i skipped, walked all the way to the english building on congress, the only computer lab i know still takes the old universal print cards. so i printed the paper out there and walked back to the 600 building to put it in my professor's mailbox. i didn't know what to do then. go back to class? go home and climb under my duvet? go to belmont and get another piercing? i decided to just go to the theater annex and read my book and eat my soup and see how i felt. then it hit me- i forgot to bring a spoon. i couldn't eat my lunch. this was the breaking point- and i called my mother. it's just that feeling of not knowing what else to do. of needing someone else to acknolage me and my paranoia. i need to grow out of this. i need to handle things myself. i got a plastic spoon from a coffee shop. i ate my soup and felt a little better. went to work at the costume shop, and that was good- people (and people who i like) being forced to relate to me. jared told me i'm not his assistant anymore. i've been a totally sucky assistant, and haven't done a thing, and have felt totally guilty about it. and he was polite, but still, it hurts, you know? didn't say a word to risha all day- too much effort to make conversation with anyone. but we walked out together. and she's like where are you going? when we get outside. she offers me a ride- so i have her drive me to the bus stop. we talked about christmas. she's turning 21 right after it. i told her i'd take her out. what is it me with the young curly headed ones? called mom back as i promsed her i would. it turned really really awful. more damn marty talk. i know i need to be more openminded or forgiving or whatever. this is NOT the day to talk about it. i finally burst into tears ( this is the 4th time today- over the printer, on michigan ave, over my soup and this) and say, "i can't talk about this today i'll call you back sometime later goodbye." the bus driver looked up and asked me. "are you ok?" it was totally sweet and caring. i had a really nice chat with him. gave me back faith in humanity, that there really are intimate strangers out there who give a damn. mom texted me to call back and she promsed not to talk about marty. i said i'd call her after dinner, and that's what i did. whatever. i need to get OVER it. i need to figure out what the frock's wrong with me and how i'm supposed to live my life. there's so, so much to do and i want to do so very little of it. i called g last night, about lack of internet connection, this morning about printing out my paper- she called back when i was talking to mom mid-day. i texted her that i was to mizerable to have anything to do with, but would still hang out with her tomorrow if she wanted to. then we have ch& stacey (who's visiting him for the breakup and move from co.) 's smash n' grab party on sat. night. i don't know how to balance this fun with my schoolowork, and my basic downtime of blogging and cooking. i just need to go to bed. after i wake up tomorrow, i won't have to do it again for 2 days. there's hope there somewhere.


the most depressing thing

so i was feeling down anyway, right? ch was moving and so i worked all by myself today, there were icicles falling off the sides of buildings, ch came here while i was at work and took micho away, and i was late to my counciling session (10 free as a columbia student) and she cut me off. i mean, how low is that, when your therapist cuts you off? got amy's voice mail, and she actually called me back, providing a little human contact. however, she couldn't use up daytime minutes if i was doing ok, and my new toy is broken. there is something wrong with my new computer's modem. aol's tech guy, reading off his screen in india, was not able to fix it. apple help isn't open. there is nothing that depresses me more than not being able to get online. esp. when i know there's an email from g awaiting me... she didn't answer her voicemail either. but now i'm signed on and i won't see her till friday. currently i'm typing in the dining room on the old computer with the phone cord on extentions draped all the way across the room. it would be nice if more than one of my phone jacks worked. fuck it all. i'm going to bed.



i'm so cold. the heat in my apartment sucks, and it's too expensive. the cat in my lap is by far the best thing going, and he's a fickle one. i desperately need new storm windows, but my brand new computer arrived today, and i was so excted that i forgot to hassle the manager. and so now i have this excting box, but i can't plug it in until i get all the mp3s burned off this computer. perhaps that would be too much energy for me anyway. yesterday was a total bust. after being hung over sunday, mom and i still stayed up too late fooling with her computer. we watched pieces of april (happy thanksgiving!) and i taught her how to burn cds. we'll see if she can get it. and of course, i had to pack. i still couldn't sleep that night, tired as i was. i think perhaps it has to do with the cold feet thing. i need better circulation. or at least, to live in a country where hot water bottles are standard. and woke up at 4AM to drive to the airport. CRAZY! who's idea was this? but i needed to work monday, and there were no flights left on sunday. shouldn't have put off buying my ticket so long. the lines were incredible at the airport. i thought everyone flew on sunday! luckily i could see my gate from the coffee shop so i risked gettting tea. the barista was this hispanic queen, and he just raved about the gelly rings g gave me- i wear them in rainbow order on my thumb. i've enjoyed the duality of it. i feel like i'm flaunting my pride, with this flag on my thumb, and yet, my grandma just thinks i like rainbows. anyway this crazy guy is cooing over my thumb- where did you get it? uh, chicago. what am i supposed to say? it's an airport. i could be from anywhere. and he keeps going, and i'm starting to wonder, is there a secret handshake or something? am i supposed to launch into coming out stories, holding up the coffee line? perhaps he doesn't get it either, he's just straight and enthusiastic. it's 6am, for frock's sake. the indian girl in my novel always swears by frock, and it's rather charming. so i arrived at o'hare at about 8.30, and went to work, then to a meeting for sweet water taste, the new play i'm designing in march. should have designed already. met frances in the elevator. she made me feel gross at the time, however, she had good ideas and was suportive in the meeting. so that's something really good about her- she doesn't put me down in front of others, just when i'm on my own, or in front of classmates. it's ok. i'm growing. she sets a very steep learning curve. luckily it was all interesting enough i could keep awake. work was so hard! so i came home, and it was so delightful. ch had made the beds, turned on the heater, watered the plants, rearanged the dining room furnature, left salad milk and ice cream in the fridge, in general just made it delightful to return to my well cared for home. ahh. and micho was happy to see me. i ate the salad and the frozen pizza, and got ready for bed. was inspired for a brief moment to get out the christmas stuff. then realized i was too tired. so i pulled it down from the back of my closet, and now it's just outside the bathroom door. that's a good first step. went to bed at 9 last night, and thanks to my tigerente-heißewasserflache, fell asleep instantly. when my alarm went off at 7 i restet it an hour and 1/2 later and skipped my first class. was still exhausted, late for my 2nd. feeling better then tonight. though it was raining. thank goodness ch and i waterproofed my new coat before i left for pa. still too tired to eat, to excited to play w/ my new computer. did a bit of boil in a bag indian food. i adore that stuff. don't think i'll get around to opening the new computer box tonight- so sad! but i gotta go to bed on time. and i wanna make the mp3 transfer from this one to that as easy as possible.



so, saturday was the day of partying for me. started out dull, had to write my papers, but they all cleared out of the house to let me do it. finished before they came home, and played the piano. it was really lovely. i need to do it more, so i could do it decently. my fingers forget. not that i was any good to begin with, but i could remember what things were supposed to sound like. someday i'll have a place with soundproof walls and get my mother's piano. right now it makes the room i'm staying in like a victorian parlor. it's mom's office, and it's the only room that feels like hers, instead of her stuff in marty's house. it has this enormous picture window which is by the driveway, and you look in and it looks so warm and cozy and inviting. enormous overstuffed couch with giant red flowers, piano, red wallpaper, new emac. it made me close to being comfortable there. mairee came, and it was so nice to chat with her. we were just getting to dish though, when allie came in. and it was fine, i mean, fine conversation, but mairee and i didn't get a chance to really catch up emotionally. i was a bit bitter about my openess though, cause later when mairee left, and allie's friends came, i felt so shunned. allie had told me that i'd prolly want to hang out with mom's friends upstairs cause hers would be too juvenile. i was like, whatever. but then, when they came, they just talked unswervingly about highschool friends. plus a was there, and while i adore a, i never feel best in social situations with her. it's crazy as she's always my prom date, wedding date, whatever i'm doing in pa, but that's how it goes. so i could have gotten really angry, because a and i were employing our best conversational technique, and they weren't just not talking to us, but actually physically turning their bodies to make a separate group excluding us. however, allie kept making these opening gestures, turning to me, saying, "what were you gonna say, cait?" and that made all ok, somehow. cause it showed that we really do have a relationship- it's not just im or something, and she knew that they were being rude and was sorry about it. not embarassed about her friends (like mom might be, kicking them under the table) beacause it was justified, i mean, hs is all they have in common, and it's been awhile, it's good to catch up. and i don't give details of my life to my friends random big sisters, either. but i was glad to have a. there to say let's get out of here. and that was TOTALLY worth it, cause when we got back to "my" room a. gave me an amazing back rub. she's been thinking of reinventing herself again, and becoming a massage therapist, and my shoulders think it's a good idea. it's a good plan to have someone like that in your circle of friends. then when allie's friends left she came in and the three of us chatted late- it was really nice, good drunken bonding time. i unfortunately was drinking the berry vodka a brought in pepsi, and was totally wired by the time she left. so i was a total mess the next morning. and then had to go to my stepsister vicki's baby shower (remember her from thanksgiving?) it was really bad- poor allie had to get there early to set up and deal with all the mothers, and neither of us had gotten any sleep, and it was this hot cramped little room, and allie and my separate relationships with vicki are often a point of contention. i left early- mom said there was a sing along messiah, so we went to do that. i was glad i got a chance, since i'll be in germany for chicago's... it was hilarious, all those old people, that tiny church, the standard soloists. crazy. the chello player was in my grade- i can't remember his name or anything about him. behind me was singing mrs. daelhousen. she was a mother of a hs friend and the head of the 4H sewing group. she's such a bizzare personality. i was glad to escape with my life. i've actually been talking about her alot- she's the most perfectionistic, anal person i've ever met, and i'm always invoking her name in the costume shop, ie "tom, mrs. daelhousen would think this zipper is too wrinkly. do i have to do it again?" and he says, you're crazy, it's fine. i like being seen as the perfectionistic one at the costume shop. it's a new role for me.



i'm sure i've called blogs excuses before. but it seemed less frequent than aplologies. mom and allie are out shopping, marty is out too- don't know where. i have the house to myself, for now. to write my papers, which are finally done. that's everything that's due this week. lots in the next 2 weeks though. ugh. germany's coming so fast. So. about the excuses. So sorry justine, for coming off sounding so cruel in the last post. so tired and stressed. haven't been sleeping well here. marty just produces so much stress for me. i try not to worry, and i'm good in my waking life, but once i lay down to try and process the day and fall asleep it all falls apart. Thanksgiving day went well, i thought, because there were so many of us, and just marty and his wife that were new characters. i like that buffer. just him and me, or him and me and his wife, is too much for me. i am so glad that allie is going to be around for most of our interactions. it keeps me from feeling like i am the wrong one, the crazy one. SO, i think alot of my anger at everyone leaving so early is just fear of what the interactions will be like when there aren't more of us than them. (i'm sorry, all of you who don't think i'm fair, i'm not giving marty a chance, but that's what it feels like- we're all choosing sides.) it's pretty self serving, when they've driven so far just to spend what time they have with us, and it's not very compassionate of me. sorry.
in other positive family news, i had a blast with dad's side of the family. i don't interact very well with straight boys, so i was so pleased with how well things went with my stepbrotherinlaw eric and my stepbrother tim. i think we're all starting to act well as a family unit- not that we know each other that well, just we're open to each other being around, or something. i wonder, is this just me that's changing and seeing things differently? but i know all of the kids were upset when dad first moved in with pam. and tim had parental issues, and vicki had bad boyfriend problems, and no one gives allison a chance to redeem herself and you all know my favourite problems. and now we're all grown up and are over it, and we don't need to be morose and have our own private hangups, or something. plus, my aunt ellen and her 3 daughters are a party in a minivan. once you get them started you just gotta let them go. they are so loud boisterous and funny. totally redicuous and interactive. it's interesting how into games both sides of my family are. i wonder if others play games in their real life. i don't. the boys wanted to play poker, but i didn't. allie suggested garbage, and i was so glad aunt ellen remembered how to play. i thought it was a game that died with grandma close. So that was her contribution to our thanksgiving feast, now that she's not around to cook turkeys or whatever.
on the way home we were listenening to allie's ipod in the car, i'm trying to learn how to work the thing. she had some tori, and i put on little earthquakes. she knows all the words, too, of course. that seems so weird to me, i mean i know we grew up in the same house together, but i guess i'm kinda in denial about it. i was so obsessed with my own life at the time. no differnent from now i guess.


happy thanksgiving

hello, all. didn't expect to hear from me, huh? well, it can't be long, as it's 12.30 in pa, and i didn't sleep well last night. but yesterday mom and i went to phily where my stepcousin has a computer store, and mom bought me a new computer for christmas... and a new one for herself as well. and she set it up in her office, which is the fold out couch that i'm sleeping on- so now that everyone's gone to bed, the computer is mine. my flight into philly was delayed, which was fine as i had the babybooties for my stepsister on dad's side's baby shower on sunday. allie said if i made booties she'd take care of the rest of the requirements. and amy picked me up at the airport, and i had a lovely 12 hrs or so with her, eating her splendid food and drinking wine out of her lovely blue wineglasses, sleeping under the world's fluffyest duvet and listening to good mixes. then mom picked me up and the computer fiasco began. she bought way more stuff than she needed to. i should have been more outspoken. hopefully i can return it to the apple store in chicago when i get home. anyway, it took us FOREVER to get home from philadelphia- like, 2.5 hrs. marty called on the way to ask us to stop at his old house for random kitchen appliances, then allie called, saying the grandparents had arrived, and then later when we were in the driveway- it sounded like she was crying. aparently so, as mom had a fight with marty as i was greeting and distracting the grandparents. but there are more of us than him, so it's been fine. we all sneered at his peperidge farm instant stuffing and allie and i went to the grocery store to buy real bread. then today aunt deanne, uncle dave, justine and jenna came today, and samir, too. i don't know what's up with them. i mean, as an urbanite, there are alot of things about their thought processes that i don't understand. but they drove 6 hrs. for dinner... then left again tonight! reason: justine had to work at j crew this morning. plus- she's sick, went to the doctor, on antibiotics. she'll probably call off anyway. even if she doesn't, she'll be caughing on all the sweaters the black friday shoppers are buying tomorrow. it was a really strange dynamic. it's always like they're just dying for an excuse to get out of things as soon as possible. like, they like us in theory, but not in practice. i don't know. justine gives all that lip service to visiting me in chicago, but she can't even stay accross the state for one night? of course, maybe it's just they don't like marty either, and are trying to avoid him. but there's strength in numbers! samir-i-poo won't be leaving till tomorrow. he's fun, whish he could stay around longer. but i guess he's got parents too. gma and gpa leave tomorrow too- and that's allie and my's thanksgiving at dad's. so sat and sun will be the fun ones. i'm so glad allie will still be around. but i'm afraid mom will gang up with marty and i'll again feel alone in this strange new family situation.


annoying to the point of being unreadable

i promise, i promise! i solemnly swear i will spell check my next entry before sending it! i'm so sorry!

last post before pa.

don't know if i'm gonna be able to post there, but we'll see. even if i'm out to mom, i'm certanly not ready to have her read here. i'm too mean to her, and think i'll prolly continue to be so. so we'll see. and it's a vacation. i'll prolly be too busy. but i'll try and keep you occasionally updated with interesting snippits so you'll keep reading when i come back! i was so sad last night when g called and canceled. i sent a text to ch on his date- afterwards he texted me back if i was hungry. he went to the co-op on the way home, and bought some groceries. i was fiddling around on the computer, and he made us these delightful gardenburgers with homade guacamole on toasted bagels. it was divine. i so didn't want to worry about food- and was feeling lonely. and he came home and cared for me, and washed my dishes. i could so get into having someone else around the house. they'd just have to leave for large chunks of the day, like ch does... and then today at work, my phone rings and it's g. and i'm like damn, she's gonna cancel again. she's gonna fly to italy tomorrow to see the BadBoyfriend, and i'm not even gonna get a chance to say goodbye. so i'm prepared. but actually she's calling to invite me for dinner- she's cooking for the roommates. so i don't have to worry about eating again! horray! did i mention last time i was there, we finished traveling mercies? so what are we gonna read next? you guessed it, tales from the city! i read just the first two little episodes to her tonight, and she seemed to like it, so fun should ensue. there was this new painting on her floor- as she was getting together her laundry, she said, oh, don't look at that, i hate it! but i'd fallen in love. there is this thin pale girl standing in the center with a ochre dress with a big red cross in the middle and little gold circles at the hem. she has a finger to her mouth, like she's shhhing- or perhaps thinking. behind her legs sits a stuffed animal looking lepoard with a human face, and a small pink heart dangling from it's ear. and this girl's hair is huge- curly and brown like g's, parted in the center, flying at the top and long in the back so that it makes this giant heart shaped frame around her face. the girl and animal are floating on the white paper, and above them is a black and blue wash, with all this marking and sedimetation, watermarks and other funky things. i adore it. g says she may decopage on the wash, which i think sounds like a marvelous idea. very nick bancock. i was so covetous, i don't think i was very polite. she had some sketches on her small block for me to see, but she couldn't find it. i can't imagine being as careless with sketchbooks as i am with my library list. ("it'll turn up eventually- i'm not looking very hard") sketching is so draining for me, so uninspired, and i hate it so much, i can't understand her cavalier additude about it. i had taken the renderings i'd worked so hard on this weekend and she was very flattering about them. my characters seem so flat, undefined, personalityless maniquins compared to her creatures. but she was jelous of my fabric, showing how things really look, and we took a tour of the clothing in the sketches on her walls, and i could see i DO do wrinkles better. but it's so scientific- fabric falls this way, if the arm is this high the sleeve will drape this far in comparison to the other- i can only draw what i can see. but her few wrinkles show exactly where they need to to show the shape she wants. how can one just know that- just put them where they feel right? i thnk i'd rather do that than know why.
¶also, i got 2 care packages today! it was lovely. chocolate from the candy kitchen that justine's mom sent me for finals week, which i'll probably leave for charles, the illustrious housesitter to eat, and stuff from amy- homeopathic blues lozenges, pictures from the beach, chocolate chip bars. it was so delightful. i felt totally loved and understood. i took them over to g's to share with her roomates, and they thought they were delicious-so impressed. i told the story about marty and amy's cooking, and they were so properly affronted. so it's not just me. don't worry, i'm going into my trip open minded, or as open as i can force my mind to be. (this is required in my optimistic family.) however, i'm not gonna be nice to make mom happy and be shocked and hurt this time. i'm gonna try and be prepared and give as i get. i'll keep you all posted as to how it works out.



was so tired friday ch and i went to bed at 8.30. when a. called at 9 it felt like midnight. it was crazy. felt great yesterday though, and got some stuff done. but these everyman renderings take so long. i was starting to panic, esp. as i was taking a break to have g wax my hair. but walking over there i did a quick hr. count, and i think i'll be able to get it all done this weekend, and so that made me feel better... and waste time. ch finally has keys, so he doesn't need me to let him in. for all you new readers (wishful thinking?) you're probably confused. yes, ch and i are both gay, we're not sleeping together. it's just, with a studio apartment, there needs to be alot of scedule awareness. but i came home at 9, and finished my renderings while ch did my dishes and surfed the net. when justine imed him hi caity he replied- this is caitlin's boss. i can see how that might be creapy if she wasn't a blog reader and wasn't following the situation. what a situation it's turned into. r called ch the otherday, crying of course, screaming, "i know you have a boyfriend! who's dennis?" aparently r has been calling the numbers that ch has called on their joint cell phone bill. so that's something else that needs to be separated. this scares me (and is my gossip to spread on the internet) because that means the only thing left they're gonna have jointly is the buisness. i'm terrified to see how r can lash out with that. ugh. i wish i was rich, had an unlimited line of credit, and could buy his half. but i have too many student loans. no one would loan me anything- and what if it would fail? i'll think more seriously about it if anything happens- or after valentine's day. i finished my paintings last night, so just had papers and housework today.. .the papers are done. ch baked this fancy cheesy egg thing with peppers and onions in it, and i got up and made buttermilk biscuts this morning. it was super yummy- i'm finally getting the whole get up late have a nice sunday breakfast concept. it is a nice life. wish i didn't have so much work in the meantime. did you realize thanksgiving is this week? i didn't until about 2 days ago. so now i'm leaving for the house on the cliff the day after tomorrow. i still need to call off work at the costume shop. someone shoot me. no, of course not really.


exhausted again

too many balloons this afternoon. ch took me out for dinner and now we are CRASHING. it's almost scary how tired.


life in the costume shop

RIsha was back today! (she gets a capital) so, we're doing costumes for guys and dolls right, now, right? and the hot box girls sing this number "a bushel and a peck." and the costumes are these bras of big yellow flowers. and as they sing "he loves me, he loves me not" they pull the petals off the flowers. SO, the first thing i see when i come in is risha sitting at the cutting table, stuffing wire inserts into some 200 petals. and, my dress with the wudgy fabric (i always say rootchy, it's so pennsylvanian of me- the german roots are obvious) is too wudgy for the blind hemmer, so i have to hem it by hand. so i sit and hem and chat with risha. HORRAY! when i sat down to so (at my same machine as always, the one aginst the wall next to the cd player) risha was tacking her petals right across from me. i really freaked her out by getting our pedals mixed up- she thought her machine was posessed, and i thought mine was stuck...
i then was working on the straps, and had to wheel forms the whole way across the room to find the right one. i was so upset i wasn't sitting in the back handstiching, cause chris and tom were telling comming out stories, when you realized you were gay, telling your parents. i really wanted to at least listen in, at least particpate, but patty was there still, and she's so republican (esp. for a theater person!) and i don't know. it's just weird. when we were handstiching chris was posing, modeling this plaid 70's jacket, and risha was laughing and said, "you look just like this chick on "the L word" she's like this drag king, and she has short black hair and wears plaid jackets like that, she's SO HOT! i mean it, she's SO hot!" and i'm like, hmmmmm. what could this mean? i wish sometimes that girl's sexuality was more cut and dry, like guy's is. just this morning i was reading again in the paper about that study- the one where they hook up wires to people's brains and show them pics of hot people and gay guys are only turned on by guys, straight guys are only turned on by girls, and girls have no rhyme or reason as for who turns them on- gay or straight, pics of guys and girls.
Last night i gave up on g calling me back and i just went to her house, my cauliflower curry in hand. she was really glad i came, though we were only there for 1/2 hr max- she had swing lessons. (swing dancing, i know, i know) but we connected, she made me feel like a good friend, and not a stalker, which i love. jess invited me to go with them to anne's crew party, the one she comes home so drunk from every year, and so i'm thinking about it. g says it isn't any fun, not her kinda party, but i think i need to go to a college party at least once in my life, esp, before i graduate, right? ch and i were gonna hear jen porter, which we haven't done in ages, but perhaps we can do both. g said she'd call me about this weekend otherwise. still waiting, of course.
still so painful to talk with my mom. she's so fucking happy wth her life, i just don't get it. i get happiness, i just don't get happiness with him. i brought up the change thing, and felt good about getting it out. made dinner, drank a smirnoff, petted the cat, and she called back- so we had to hash it out. it's not that she's not allowed to change. it's not that i don't expect her to change. it's just she's made so many of such violent changes i don't know what's changeable and what's not. and she's so acusitory, like always, i've always hated this in her, she did it with me about allie, too. she's all, aren't i allowed to change? and you haven't changed? like somehow it's gonna all be ok once i realize that i've changed and so her change is the same as mine? i said i haven't changed- i'm still caitlin leah, i'm just becoming who i was all along. i have journals and blank books filled with prayers and terrible high school poetry, trying to figure out who i was, and how to become that person. yeah, sure, my happy childhood made puberty just go poof, and that's who i was. i woke up one morning with breasts. yeah, i'm still waitng for that one to happen. no, here i am, crawling out at 24. that whole thing has added so much more subtext to the whole discussion. i think when you tell your mom that you're a lesbian, that's the point of no return. everything up untill this point has just been trying things on for size. ok, sometimes buying them and walking around in them, but still not cutting the tags off. not that i've ever been attacted to men. (...although there was that one morning when i got out of the shower to find michi had washed the dishes, put on tori amos and made me tea ;->) but i think not being atracted to straight men is my reason for not knowing any, not that my lack of aquaintenceship is the only reason for my lack of desire. still, i'm very uncomfortable with how well this word fits. there's been a political battle going on in the family listserv these days, and a liberal cousin of mine made a very good point. how can you say sexuality's a choice when there's so much discrimitation and hatred? who in their right mind would choose that?
gosh, and that leads to another topic. this should be life and the costume shop instead of in. so, tuesday night, i went over to christie's house for tea. it was the first time i'd seen her in months. it was just too much effort to figure out how her family felt about me. there's such a thin line between ignoring someone in the hopes that they'll go away and being so busy with buisness trips and grad school and a baby that good friends slip through the cracks. but i stopped being neurotic and hoped for the second and accepted her invite to tea. it was just me and christie- jon had a meeting, and lily was asleep. i had a really lovely time chatting with her- i always do. it's really refreshing well balanced conversation. not one of those ones that i really feel like i'm leading, but also not like the ones with mairee, where i know she loves me, but i often feel like i don't get to hear about her life- like i'm talking too much about me. so anyway, christie and i got going, and i brought up blogs! and i admitted i had one! and she asked me for the address! so now what do i do? i told her i'd email her, just to catch her up on some things she's missed. and i'm going to, really. even if she is from texas. other christians read this blog. i'll probably still be loved. so welcome, christie! what an entry to welcome you into the self obsessed, nurotic whiney ramblings of my life!



after work yesterday i tried so hard to read my play, but it was unending. tryed to get in contact with gabrielle, but she didn't answer. my mom as well, needed her proofreading on my latest essay. realized that if the essay is due this morning, i need ink for the printer tonight. so after dinner i still wasn't done with my play but had to go out in the rain to office depot and buy ink because it closes at 9. i was feeling all sorry for myself, but then charles called, and said that after he finished babycakes with his delicious leftovers, he found that johnny b had significant others on his bookshelf, so he took that to the laundromat with him. and it was all so charming i was happy too. then when mom called back when i got home, and i had bagels for breakfast this morning, i felt better too. have my first ted ward show meeting tomorrow, terrified. hopefully i can handle it all, get some ideas. the nasty essay i thought was going to be due the day after thanksgiving is now pushed back another week. so all is going reasonably well on the school front. rebecca was in the costume shop again today, and she said that if jarred wants to use me more he'll call me, so i guess i'm being an ok assistant to the designer. i don't know. am going to christie's for tea tonight, we'll see how that goes. i've never seen their new place or told her how upset i was not to be invited to lily's first birthday party, so it's been awhile. amy, thanks so much for your lovely long comment. i promise to reply soon. for now, though, my pasta is done, and i need to have dinner before teatime.


wah, etc.

feeling whiny.the stress is overtaking my life. hate my damn classes, don't know when i'm gonna get all my work done, will never see g again. DAMN! and i'm out of ink! gotta go back out in the cold after dinner. to print out tomorrows paper. i gotta. i hate my life.


liking people

i don't, really. i think that's my problem. allie and mom keep telling me that i have a bad attitude about marty, that he could change. but every story they tell me to convince me how funny he is just grating to me. they are all so rude or annoying or generally unpleasant. i avoid people like that in my everyday life. i usally ignore them, unless they are so appaling they need to be caled on it. when we have to interact, i can deal with it, like when jim and i had to work together. but it's fine. i can put up with him for short periods of time. as long as there's an outlet for my whining afterwards- and i don't have to go out for drinks with him later. but it's not like more- or less- contact is going to make him change or make me like him better. it's the same thing with marty. it's the same thing with rosie, this racucious lesbian in my text analysis class. she just talks to much, in a very self-centered way. this anoys me in people.and this is why i can't make friends. have i mentioned before my heirarchy for making conversation? the lowest are the people who don't talk at all, of course. The second lowest are people who stop convrsation by only giving ending answers to questions asked. next are those who can carry on conversation by talking, but who do so by talking about themselves, not by asking questions. next are those who can't carry conversation very well on their own, but who can give leading answers to questions asked- they can't lead conversation but can faciliate it. finally, those who can lead conversation, asking interesting questions and listening to their responses, and building on them. i can only deal with people in the last 2 groups, being barely out of the 2nd to last myself. i really hate the people who talk uninterestingly about themselves. i mean, i find people really interesting, but give it some context, some reason for me to care. so i'm just too cocky. everyone is annoying in one way or another. yet somehow i've just wasted 3 hrs. online. who are these people i'm communicating with?



look at this procrastination! it's incredible. i should be reading hamlet, everyman. writing papers, painting renderings. i'm doing NOTHING. but i feel gross. I'm much better emotionally, thank you all for your kind posts. really, uber sweet. i'd been promising ch a tour of the bars of hyde park, and g was wanting to go out to jimmy's last night, so we made plans for both to happen. ch and i went to boni vino first to celebrate the end of the week with pizza and a few drinks. then we came home for our disco naps. i thought we'd hit the cove and falcon inn before meeting up with g, but instead we just slept. so we just went to jimmy's, but that's enough. i'm so glad ch and g can get along. when you only have 2 friends in the whole city, it's important for them to like each other! and i've had bad experiences before, so i was glad i didn't have to panic when i went to the bathroom. They can talk about music and spanish, and it's all fine. we had a good time. g didn't drink much (she kept saying, "i'm out of practice"-- like she used to practice more before) but ch and i got really smashed. i was keeping up with him, so you can only guess the state i was in- i think counting boni vino i had 6 or 7. coming home after dropping g off (isn't that sweet, we walked her home) ch and i had a loud discussion about meeting girls who aren't straight, etc. g kept running into people she knew. how weird it would be to have a life like that. yeah, i start to whine, but actually on the #6 home from boni vino who was across the bus but RAND, the pastor of my church back when i was a christian. so i had to introduce ch, and we had to chat- wierd! luckily not much traffic. ch is reading now, we're getting ready to go out to indiana to see a production of into the woods that johhny b is in. i've never seen it live, just the movie, so i'm excited, even if it is just community theater. ch yelled from his bed, "you write about me on that computer and i'll sue you!" but it would be hard to delete everthing about him. he shows up in my life alot.



i know i told you i went over to g's tuesday. i think i told you how i whined all over mom. did i tell you she said i should let mom know how i feel? well, she did, so i called mom last night. It was a stupid idea. first, wednesday night was dumb. i knew i'd have to get through 2 more days. second, i should never ever confront anyone without a plan in mind. i mean, i need to know what i want changed. and as i was just blogging a few days ago, i don't know what our relationship is supposed to look like at this point. i know it can't go back to what it was. she's someone totally different now. someone who would give up her cats, her house and her garden to marry a man her family hates. she had no idea how i felt, not that this is really out of character, because she's always been blissfully unaware of uncomfortable things around her. and she saud she did notice how distant i'd become, but she thought i was just growing up and separating from her emotionally. she knows that her storise don't interest me or allie, and then she started to cry and say how hard it is to always be the nurturer. i felt awful. what was i trying to do? i still have no idea what i want to acomplish. and i still think that the working definitin is going to be different than what i think should be happening. i think we're gonna try to pay more attention to each other, but i still feel like a slimeball- and one who's hanging on to her mother's apron strings. really, now. i'm 24 years old. there is no reason at all for me to need to share every detail of my life with my mother. i need to grow up. i won't be able to stay friends with g when she marries joe and doesn't have time for me. why would i be able to do so with mrs. nancy katzen? i was just a mess in a dress when i hung up with her. i took chamomile and my fave forget me not before talking to her, then afterwards i had some rescue remedy and gentian. i took a melatonin and went to bed. kept working and working over what i should have said, what i shouldn't have, what a mess i'd maide of things, what a looser i am, etc. took another melatonein 1/2 hr later. pulling myself into a darker depression. took 2 more a half hour after that, and some mre flowers. didn't even make a moticble impact. I haven't felt this way since february when i discovered bachs. i mean, i've been depressed since then, but i could feel how much worse it would be without it. and i knew i'd be fine in the morning, if i could just get to sleep. i had a 8 am midterm this morning. i was panicing about that too. there is no crueler insomnia than the kind caused by worrying about not getting enough sleep. i couldn't come up with any fantisies to escape too. it was awful. i finally got out my sleeping pills, knowing it would ruin today. and that finally put me out. but oh, the agony of waking up this morning! and leaving the house, and classes! but i slept, and that is all that's important. i made it to class, and i think the test went fine, so this afternoon's headache is worth it. risha wasn't in the costume shop today. i couldn't really ask chris where she was because i'm so self consious about stalking her. but rebecca was there- rebecca who was my friend last year, the first person who i came out to face to face, who graduated last year- she's working on an outside show and patty let her use the shop. so that was charming. but i'd rather have risha. charles sent me a text message while i was working- his date tonight turned from a sleepover to just dinner, so he wants to come here. i said it was fine, but oh, i'm dead. i needed cheese for breakfast tomorrow, so i went to jewel after work, and i needed coke too, so i bought the 24 pack rather than the 12 and had to lug it all the way across the 11th street bridge. ugh. i thought i was going to die. now i'm home, but i'm too tired to make dinner. i tried looing around my kitchen for something easy, but nothing was magically apearing. sigh. perhaps i'll just have a cup of soup. it feels wasteful to have such handy food for dinner, but ugh. i can't move. i can't even sit up straight enough while typing to see how my spelling is. so if i missed errors only visible from closser than a yard from the screen, i'm sorry. i hope you all love me anyway. feelin in need of a little love.



awful day at classes yesterday. god, i'm so over them. it's terribly tiresome. mon. night i was dreading them so much i didn't go to bed on time, jus stayed up typing to allie and buying books on the great corporate amazon (but i buy them used... does that help?) and generaly making myself feel sick. my refuge of the costume shop was its usally snarly tuesday self. between them bitching about their plaids, and mom from the night before, and everything, i just felt gross. when i came home mairee called me, and it was nice talking to her, though she feels even worse than i do. so loney, relationships falling apart before her very eyes. i called g, wondering if it was a good idea. i offered a pedicure, a wonderful tool. something few can turn down, but gives me a lovely opertunity to touch someone else, and put more color out there in the world. i wonder how much of my life is dedicated to adding color to the world? i think if i had a personal mission statement, that would be in it. so that was really nice. i didn't talk to much. though i did tell her all about mom, and the recent troubles. she thinks i should call mom up and tell her what i'm feeling. i don't know. all i know is g now has fancy toes. she ended up giving me a pedicure too, which perhaps wasn't such a good idea. i need to keep away from her body, i think. pay alot less attention to it. it was good. encouraging. totally unproductive. didn't get paper, didn't get laundry done. it's awful. now it's 8pm, and i'm just taking a break to start dinner, working on everything that's due tomorrow. the soup needs to be stirred, but there's a cat on my lap. miecho has been so much happier since ch was here this weekend, not crying, liking to be petted, siting on my lap as i type. if i could just get the long term sleep on my feet thing down, all would be fine. g and i made plans for the weekend, she and ch and i are gonna bar hop in hyde park late friday night. as i was coming home from her house, i was thinking all sorts of philosophical blog thoughts. i was going to sign on when i got home, but it was too late. i should have, anyway. all the philosophy is gone and it's just a list of activities again.


flutter mutter nutter butter

god, she's as much fun as a peanut shaped cookie. mom called as i was eating dinner tonight. she was driving home, and telling me about her new sofa. it's modular, and it's "celery with a little more brown." i told her it sounded awful. she continued to chat, flitting from one topic to another while i went "uh huh. really?" then when she got home, she was all business. "was it you who wanted my lifetime pots?" so, now she's throwing out things that are actually high quality and useful cause "marty doesn't like them." (HELLO! has he EVER cooked on electric? these pans were MADE for an electric stove!) i told her not to give them away till she was sure she liked her new ones. and she's all, "well, i'm home now, so i'll let you go." i say all sarcastic, " i'm so glad i could keep you company on your trip home!" and she's like, "yes thanks, talk to you later" completely oblivious. again, who is this woman, and who can i replace my mother with? opus the penguin has a 1.800.need-a-mom number he calls sometimes. if i had a decent substitute for who she used to be with me, i'd be easy to write her off. but she keeps dropping me these tiny questions that i just eat up (how was your halloween party? what are you having for dinner?) that i just eat up. it makes my relationship with g seem healthy. i don't even know what i want it to be, at this point. i mean, i know i want her to be someone she's not anymore. but what do i want my relationship with this new person to be? should i be her ear to tell all her boring blogish daily stories? should i have a passing aquatienceship with her? should i make her listen to all of my worries and activites whether or not she cares? can i even have a relationship with someone when i dislike their husband so much? should i just cut off all contact until i get it all figured out? little chance of that. i'll be there AGAIN for thanksgiving, then she's coming for the opening of guys and dolls. it's sick how much i'm in PA. this will be it for awhile though. if i have any money left after germany, which is doubtful, i'll spend it going to rochester ny for spring break. have to catch that narrow window between when allie turns 21 and when she graduates.
feeling very morose and contimplative, i've decided, while writing this. checking out all the features of osx and currently have my screen photo changing every 5 minutes. i can only choose one folder, and the one with the largest selection is the beach one. its so strange to see me in a bikini, my breasts on the opposite sides of my body than usual. there are so many pictures of people in my family on this very same beach in their 20s. it makes me very nostalgic, or something else- more like thinking the choices i've made are bad ones, or the things that aren't my choises are curses i deserve pity for, or that this stranger with the dreadlocks looks as if she thinks she's much cooler than she really is, or perhaps i'm much less cool than i look. and of course, where the lines between cool/ interesting/ content/ acomplished are so wavery these days. will take some mustard, forget me not, will go to bed. i'll be better tomorrow, you'll see.


what have i done to deserve this?

all this homework! it's awful! and i can't even whine, cause the reason it piles up so is cause i'm going away for ALL of xmas, and ALL of thanksgiving. ugh. anyway, sorry yesterday's entry ended so abruptly. charles had gone out to smoke a cigarette after dinner, and i was blogging while he was gone. and he met gabrielle on her way over here, so they both came in. and g of course doesn't know i have a blog, so i just posted what was there, and closed the window. yesterday was lovely. ch came home from work and made tea, and we sat in the sun reading our books,drinking our tea, listening to mix tapes on my rockin speakers. then he made dinner while i read psych. nothing nicer than someone cooking cozily in your kitchen. we made more yummy gin drinks and ate, then ch went to smoke and brought up gabrielle, and we all watched my newest pedro almodavar, what have i done to deserve this? such great wallpaper! love the telekinetic kid downstairs! she sells her son to the dentist! it's wonderful! ch and i went shoping on 53rd today- didn't buy anything. it was nice to leave the house. i don't feel like anything but sitting in sunbeams and reading novels, anyway.


recent activity

activity is perhaps too big of a word for it. when i went to bed last night i was trying to remember if i had done anything interesting thrusday night i'd forgotten to write about. couldn't come up with anything. actually, i watched annie hall. pretty funny- really liked the specific time of it, and the style was very endearing. remembered why charles recomended it- annie hall is just like one of our extremely annoying customers, patty green (feel free to flame her, too). last night charles and i didn't do anything. i was trying to get up my gumption, but nothing really came of it. actually, we did go grocery shopping. but he came home much later than i, and i had hoped to get lots done homework wise, but nothing happened. my mom had called when i left work, so i called her back on the bus, and she was telling me about how mizerable her life was cause the poor thing had to move and was unpacking boxes in her new house. cry me a river. guess i know how people feel when i talk about germany. i said something about allie as i was walking to my apartment building, and she said, oh, if i knew that all i needed to get allison and you on the same side was get married, i would have done it years ago. i was aghast at the thought- i think i said, yeah, you'd only have one daughter to worry about then. she said she was joking, but then she started going on and on about how happy she was and how she liked living with marty and her new house, and i start bawling and bawling. it was the same old stuff- what does she see in him, who is she, where did my mother go, did i ever know her, i'm so alone, etc. i didn't feel like dealing with it all all over again, so faked it pretty well i decided i really will take her up on her off



i sat down last night and put all my assignments in my planner. it's terrifying. so much to do this weekend. so much to do every weekend. i'm not sure how i'm gona make it. i am amazed how much i hate it all. the classes are terrible, the work is gross. i'm falling farther and farther behind. i keep trying to take my elm and say its this bad every semester. but i don't believe it. i usally have something that makes it all bearable. i think the only thing i'm enjoying is working in the costume shop. i love working under tom, and with pam and chris and risha, especially, of course. i started actually sewing adalaide's dress today- i'm back at my old machine next to the cd player- today we listened to cranberries, graceland, portishead, and erika badu. all my plaids match- what more could bring joy to one's heart? i've gotten 2 calls this week from aquaintances about helping them with sewing. both vineyard hyde parkers. angel, who was part of my small group when i was a christian, and a really hot girl named elizabeth, who's a bartender and a neighbor of rand's. i met her and her husband painting the church studio. all this interpersonal relationships going on! between them and these care packages and ch here every weekend, i feel overwhelmed by friends!



punched mine today. the machine ate it, all must be good. what a wierd air around america today. this big unifying event, through all my classes, the peolpe on the street, those at work- everyone's talking about voting. i have care packages to get ready, and homework to do, and dinner to cook, so i can't blog long, as i'm going over to g's to watch the results.
last night i wasted the whole evening. was gonna watch a movie, but finally ran out of time. i've been trying to watch annie hall for about 3 weeks. was reading newspapers to try and be an informed voter... and wasting time online, typing to allie, justine... i finally read jamie's blog. amy said it wasn't very intersting, but i find it a fun enough life to follow. she spoke about reading others blogs, and how some were boring and others were amazing.. i hope this is one of the amazing ones she found! at least it's interesting enough she keeps reading. and now i feel there's some balance, i know more of her everyday life, and worrisome struggles, since she knows so much about me. i don't know what makes me latch onto a blog and read it. am still distilling those thoughts. will continue to do so while cooking dinner.
so, it's care package time again!
i've got one extra one- who can comment and win the prize?


blog updates

finally, my new safari has all my blogs on the toolbar. had to open up the old explorer to do it, thankfully with no problems. i was afraid i would never find mol's again. sad news, though, she broke up with her anjul. i sent her hugs. www.sararyan.com has been more and more interesting lately, with a link to the particularly funny http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4043&n=1 beth seems to be having a nervous breakdown, though may dye her hair green. justine at goldustwoman13.blogspot.com is much perkier, with an angel costume and a visit from her dad. and finally, http://www.megcabot.com/blog/blogger.html meg's cat henrietta declares john kerry the canidate indorsed by felines. that's all from my life. ch and i watched kissing jessica stein last night. he seemed to enjoy it, tho remarked about the terrible acting, and everyone's obsession with smartness. i agree with the first but find nothing wrong with the second. i want to find someone smart, too- i don't think that's an unreasonable request.



nothing interesting, much. went to boystown with charles, lots of bars, lots of fairies in their wings. most interesting costume- a guy with his pants around his ankles and a large plastic chicken pinned to his crotch. i was wearing allie's witch dress, sparkly tights, big black boots, false eyelashes on the top and bottom, glitter lipgloss, a purple wig, and my big turquoise velvet cape. though, what exactly i was, i couldn't have told you. slowly getting osx to do what i want it to. everyday is a new adventure. read ibson's a dolls house this morning, trying to do brecht's mother courage right now, and it's unbearble- possibly impossible. ufta. ch and i went grocery shopping and made blueberry pancakes this morning. it was totally charming. whatever. i'll try writing again tomorrow.