the list of recomended books is incredibly long and poorly organized.
the list of faves is constantly changing.
so rather than putting book reviews up only when i think about it, i'm going to post all the books i read, and all the movies i watch, perpetually. say, once a month or so. so here's the books. the movies will be next post.
please, tell me, if you read and liked or hated any of them, or if you're looking for recomendations from here! (btw, bow is book o' week club)

august 07:
talk to me- carol dines (not really worth reserving)
jack- a. m. homes (ok gay kids)
nobody passes- mattilda aka matt bernstein sycamore (PLEASE! SOMEONE READ THIS SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT! facinating gender, and other, essays)
something rotten- jasper fforde (better than the previous, not as good as the first)
the sand child- tahar ben Jelloun. (i didn't get it.)

juli 07:
born to rock- gordon korman (bow)
georgies moon- chris woodworth (forgettable bow)
the wish - gail carson levine (still love her)
life as we knew it- susan beth pfeffer (amazing facinataing scary must-read)
ophelia- lisa klein (as expected)
the grim grotto- lemony snicket (how many more?)
alice in the know- phyllis reynolds naylor (i do have a soft spot for alice)
letting go of bobby james- valarie hobbs (worth putting on hold. really good.)
grass angel- julie schumacher (unremarkable)
a true and faithful narrative- kathrine sturtevant (only problem- too short!)
under the same sky- cynthia defelice (bow. but i forget.)
palms to the ground- amy stolls (unremarkable bow)
self-made man- norah vincent (interesting, if extremely binary, gender nonfic)
valencia- michelle tea (bought in san francisco!)

juni 07:
prom- laurie halse anderson (better than expected)
westmark- lloyd alexander (old beloved friend)
my almost epic summer- adele griffin (not epic)
little fur- isobelle carmmondy (nice cover)
rules of the road- joan bauer (a good one)
the slippery slope- lemony snicket (trying these again)
fairest- gail carson levine (i love her.)

mai 07:
the bitch posse- martha o'connor- well written but disturbing
memory board- jane rule (sweet lesbian novel)
not the only one- jane summer (short story collections of various enjoyability)
marly's ghost- david leviathan (forgettable bow)
bad kitty- michelle jaffe (pink teenage braintrash)
getting it- alex sanchez (queer teen)
bang!- sharon flake (bow)
uglies- scott westerfeld (amazing, absorbing, my new addiction)
the mozart season- virginia euwer wolff (forgettable bow)
crush- carrie mac (can't even remember)
pretties- scott westerfeld (see, i told you!)
upstate- kalisha buckhanon (beautiful and heartbreaking bow)
specials- scott westerfeld (so satisfying!)
the carniverous carnival- lemony snickett (i can't get enough)
under the wolf, under the dog- adam rapp (bow)
playing dad's song- d. dina friedman (bow)
define "normal"- julie anne peters (a familiar friend)
the minister's daughter- julie hern ( i think i liked it, but it's unmemorable)

april 07:
dairy queen - catherine gilbert muridock (excellent ya, highly recomended)
heven to betsy- maud hart lovelace (not sure why this was on my list)
best foot forward- joan bauer (typich ya)
the full spectrum- ed. deven leviathan and billy merrell (really cool queer kid's stories of their experiences)
the joy luck club - amy tan (better than expected)
here they come - yannick murphy (dark, disturbing, uncomfortable, not recomended)
party princess - meg cabot (as fun as the rest of them)

märz 07
the necessary hunger- nina revoyr (excellent, lesbian teen basketball players)
west with hopeless- carolyn lieburg (bow)
a changed man- francine prose (a great novel. read it.)
like the red panda- andrea seigel (creepy ya. very depressing)
between mom and jo- julie anne peters (you KNOW how i feel about her books)
the sea of trolls- nancy farmer (bow, norse lord of the rings)
playing the field-phil bildner (girl on the boys baseball team)

februar 07
the man who fell in love with the moon- tom spanbauer (one of ch's faves, and understandably so)
the world according to mimi smartypants (made me subscribe to her blog)
the shell house - mimi newberry (a gayYA with NO ending)
the fall of fergal- phillip ardagh (kids braintrash)
overnight- adele griffin (bow)
the love wife- gish jen (i don't know why i like her book so much, but i do)

januar 07
avalon high- meg cabot (a's xmas gift. a great re-read.)
coffee will make you black- april sinclair (lesbian ya)
the house on the gulf- margaret peterson haddix (bow)
swimming to america - alice mead (bow)
breakout- paul fleischman (bow)
true believer- virginia euwer wolff (oddly like coffee will make you black, also enjoyable)
a theif in the house of memory - tim wynne-jones (bow)
whispering to witches -anna dale (bow, the book in my photos, oddly)
a house of tailors- patricia reilly giff (lovely bow, too short)
enna burning - shannon hale (odd but enjoyable bow)
the bermudez triangle- maureen johnson (lesbian YA)
the most beautiful girl in the world- judy doenges (it looked good at w&cf. wasn't too bad, actually)
best lesbian love stories 2004 (cause the library's erotica collections have been stolen)

dezember 06
justin case- meg rosoff (nothing like the other)
i was a non-blond cheerleader -kieran scott (fun braintrash ya)
fly on the wall- e. lockhart (odd but enjoyable)

november 06
gulf breeze- gari hill (lesbian fic)
devil on my heels - joyce mcdonald (bow)
eva underground- dandi daley mackall (excelent bow)
looking for alibrandi- melina marchetta (bow? or maybe just ya)
koyal dark, mango sweet- kashmira sheth (indian ya)
shakespeare bats cleanup- rone koertge (him again)
aftershocks- william lavender (excellent bow, one of my faves)
shadow of a doubt- s. l. rottman (bow)

oktober 06
the key to the golden firebird- maureen johnson (bow, i liked blue envelopes better)
the extraordinary adventures of lafred kropp- rick yancy (goofy bow)
where i want to be- adele griffin (unmemorable bow)
i know you're out there- michael beaumier (excellent memoir about personal ads
running with the reservoir pups- colin bateman (ya list)
the truth about forever- sarah dessen (yeah, her again. this one is perhaps my fave)

september 06
head games- mariah fredricks (i lked this one better)
ruby- francesca lia block and carmen staton ( i really just have to say flb)
all the wrong places - karen kallmaker (lesbian romance)
now you see it - vivian vande velde (bow)
newbies- james a. moore (why was this on my list?)
checkers- john marsden (unmemorable bow)
the car- caren paulsen (bow)
alice on the outside- phylis reynolds naylor (gay kids, banned book)
parrot in the oven, mi vida- victor martinez (not impressed)
thy neighbors wife- georgia beers (lesbian fic)
coming out under fire - allan berube (nonfic i wish i could write a research paper on- makes me want to hear stories)
dreams of tresspass, tales from a harem girlhood- fatima mernissi (more nonfic- autobiography)
avalon high- meg cabot (meg cabot. aurturian legend. sounds awesome. is awesome)
the beat goes on- adele minchin (public service ya, but good anyway)
13 little blue envelopes- maureen johnson (awesome, i loved it, i cried and cried)
cinderellis and the glass hill- gail carson levine (retold fairy tale)
athletic shorts - chris crutcher (i gotta read the boy books too, sometimes)

august 06
necklace of kisses- francesca lia block (who only gets better as she ages. and no less magical)
size 12 is not fat - meg cabot (good stuck in an airplane book)
fun home - alison bechtel (magnificently magical graphic autobiography)
tipping the velvet- sarah waters (lesbian historical fiction -rocked.)
endgame- nancy garden (NOT what i consider a nancy garden book!)
dark angel- david class (went a little too well with endgame)
on the run- michael coleman (don't even remember this one)
i am the wallpaper - mark peter huges (ya braintrash)
better than running at night- hillary frank (she's a pretty awesome author, too)
return to lesbos- valerie taylor (vintage lesbian pulp)
when kambia elane flew in from neptune- lori aurelia williams (wierd in an unenjoyable way)
far from xanadu- julie anne peters (my fave lesbian YA ever, i am SO IN LOVE with mike)
picture perfect- jodi piccault (much better, and more fun, than expected, good book.)

july 06
looking for alaska- john green (excellent YA, i cried.)
box girl- sarah withrow (gay kids)
the boyfriend list - e. lockhart (fun and enjoyable bow)
postcards from no man's land - aidan chambers (wonderful, satisfying, well-crafted enjoyable book. highly recomended.)
the left hand of darkness - ursula k leguin (fun with gender scifi)
comedy girl - ellen schreber (ya)
razzle- ellen wittlinger (less fun than hard love)
boy meets boy- david levithan (finally! it was my hold's turn. the gay surrealistic dreamworld)
a girl named disaster - nancy farmer (bow i slogged through)
the order of the poison oak - brent hartinger (ya gayboy braintrash)
the first part last - angela johnson (good ya)
party girl - lynne ewing (unmemorable ya)
this lullaby - sarah dessen (because she wrote it)

june 06
iron man- chris crutcher (gay kids booklist)
full service- will weaver (enjoyable bow)
hard love- ellen wittlinger (better when one is not suffering such)
the killer's cousin -nancy werlin (enjoyable bow)
when she was good - norma fox mazer (unimpressive bow)
are we there yet? - david leviathan (another fun new author)
breaking boxes - a. m. jenkins (excellent gay older brother book)
i am the messenger- marcus zusak (great bow with a disapointing ending)

mai 06
dove and sword- nancy garden (about joan of arc, no baby dykes)
the bride price- buchi emecheta (indian YA)
crooked- louisa luna (i liked brave new girl better, but it was ok)
in every laugh a tear- leslea newman (lesbian fic)
mystery- peter straub (the mystery to read while cruising islands. totally excellent)
pepperland- mark delaney (bow)
dreamland- sarah dessen (cause i'm gonna read them all)
bluebirds used to croon in the choir- joe meno (short stories of varying degrees of enjoyable)
cant get there from here- todd strasser (unmemorable YA)

april 06
love medicine- louise erdirich (required for fiction writing. okay, other than that, i guess)
michael cart- my father's scar (i like gay girl books better)
escape from memory- margaret peterson haddix (unmemorable bow)
24 girls in 7 days - alex bradley (loveable bow braintrash)
fat boy swim- cathrine forde (excellent bow)
trying hard to hear you- sandra scoppettone (lesbian YA)
journey to a woman - ann bannon (classic vintage lesbian pulp)
joe jones- anne lamott (perhaps her best work of fiction)
girl, 16, absolute torture- sue limb (ya braintrash)
brave new girl- louisa luna (dark, dark, but excellent mtv book)
m or f? - lisa papademitriou and chris tebbets (fun with gender YA)
morning star- nick bantock (beautiful, as always)
the philadephia story- phillip barry (required for school)
the last chance texaco- brent hartringer (better than his other, ya)
i can't tell you - hillary frank (unmemorable ya)

märz 06
desert of the heart- jane rule (vintage lesbian)
teen idol- meg cabot (i'm still an addict)
the thin woman - dorothy cannell (a re-read of my fave mystery)
how i live now (bow book, amazing mesmerizing, beautiful, haunting)
confessions of a teenage drama queen- dyan sheldon (ya braintrash)
the other side of venus - shirley verel (vintage lesbian pulp)
the warrior heir- cinda williams chima (a better than expected YA fantasy)
how i paid for college: a novel of sex theft friendship and musical theater- marc acito (read all in one morning, one of the best books of 2006, on my list of best books ever, love it, own it, quote it, you must read it)
rose of no man's land- michelle tea (absorbing, creepy)
sophie pitt-turnbull discovers america - dyan sheldon (i really have no excuse for reading two of them)
banana rose- natalie goldberg (a's new fave, not really my style, but very much hers)
kissing the witch - emma donoghue (feminist folk tales)
the heavenward path- kara dalkey (bow)
the canning season - polly horvath (fun and brittish bow)
shade's children- garth nix (engaging sci-fi bow)

februar 06
that summer- sarah dessen (new YA author for me- she's a good 'un!)
the arizona boy - ron koertge (my new fave YA author- i put this book in a short story of mine- my character liked it even more than i did!)
the house of scorpion- nancy famer (facinating bow- someone else read it so we can talk about it!)
spring fire- vin packer (vintage lesbian pulp)
maja running- aniali banerice (YA, not well written)
the rise and fall of a 10th grade social climber- lauren meehlin and laura moser (the title says it all. this was a great one of the genre)
doormat- kelly mcwilliams (unmemorable bow)
boy meet boy- ron koertge (perhaps the best rk yet)
manstealing for fat girls - michelle embree (excellent, but made me track everyone's eating habits for about a week)
burning up- caroline cooney (braintrash YA)
after summer- nick earls (good, but not as good as 48 shades of brown)
alexandria- nick bantock (beautiful, as usual)
kissing vanessa- simon cheshire (unmemorable bow)

januar 06
the boy in the basement- susan shaw (mesmerizing bow)
a face in every window - han nolan (very good YA)
princess in training- meg cabot (as good as the rest of them)
the blue sword- robin mckindley (a reread- my fave book- this was post-wisdom teeth)
storytime- edward bloor (creepy YA, not recomended)
plastic angel- nerissa nields ( i really liked it, it's just like the song)
girls in pants- anne brashares (hey, they're enjoyable. i have a hard time remembering them, though)
the girls in 3-B- valerie taylor (one of my fave vintage lesbian pulp- takes place in chicago)

december 05
the lost prince- frances hodgston burnett (by far her worst)
astra- grace livingston hill (it's a xmas requirement)
a man without a country- kurt vonegut (stick to fiction)
lark in the morning- nancy garden (not my fave NG, but please, i read it in leah and rachel's hallway in philly- how bad could it be?)

november 05
mountain solo- jeanette ingold (bow book, excellent YA)
rosemary and juliet - judy maclean (classic lesbian YA)
valencia- michelle tea (laura's favorite book ever)
enchantment- orson scott card (one of my perpetual rereads)

oktober 05
margaux with an x- ron koertge (i'm a huge huge fan of anything he writes)
all this heavenly glory -elizabeth crane (even better than her first- neurotic short stories)
acelleration- graham nance (book o week club)
a small rain- madeline l'engle (one of my frequent re-reads)
an inexpressible state of grace- cameron abbott - unmemorable lesbian fiction

september 05
holly's secret- nancy garden (kid's book, gay parents)
luna- julie anne peters (the best YA transsexual novel ever written)
the misfits- james howe (cozy feel good YA)

august 05
choices- nancy toder (early 80's lesbian)
rough music- patrick gale (highly recomended)
one of those hideous books where the mother dies- sonyan sones (excellent YA)
reflections of a rock lobster- aaron fricke (kinda lame gay autobio)
blindsighted- peter moore (excellent YA)
lesbian/ woman- del martin and phyllis lyon (enormous classic lesbian nonfiction)
bird-eyes-madelyn arnold (creepy, disturbing, not recomended)
i love everybody- laurie notaro (humor, memoir, braintrash)

juli 05
dirty girls social club- Alisa valdez-rodriguez (worth the wait, lives up to the hype)
swollen- melissa lion (mindtrash YA)
babyface- norma fox mazer (mindtrash YA)
a knot in the grain- robin mckinley (short stories, fairy tales)

juni 05
chasing vermeer- blue balliett (HP YA)
twilight girls- paula christian (vintage lesbian)
girls will be girls- leslea newman (lesbian short stories)
the door in the hedge- robin mckinley (fairy tales)
culture shock germany- richard lord (nonfiction)
saving francesca- melinda marchetta (excellent YA)

mai 05
waiting for christopher- louise hawes (interesting ya)
monsoon summer- mitali perkins (really excellent feel good YA)
the true meaning of cleavage- mariah fredricks (mindtrash YA)
breadgivers- anzia yezierska (good anti-jewish-father book)
the virgin suicides- jeffery eugenides (as always well written, though not plot driven)
king matt the first- janusz korczak (interesting, but needed an editor)
48 shades of brown- nick earls (even better the 2nd time! i love it!)
pages for you- sylvia brownrigg (i told you how this captivated me)
naked without a hat- jeanne willis (mindtrash YA)
mind's eye- paul fleishman (whatever, it's a p.f.)
vögelein, the clockwork faerie- jane irwin (may make me obsessed with graphic novels)
persepolis 2- marjane satrapi (I LOVE THESE! i keep giving away my persepolis 1)

april 05
karin kallmaker-watermark (lesbian romance)
willam sleator- interstellar pig (wierd YA)
jean ferris- of sound mind (great, well written YA)
anne lamott- plan b:further thoughts on faith (nonfic, christian, liberal, funny)
l.s.matthews- fish:a novel (odd but likeable YA)
andrew clements- things not seen (hyde park YA)
pauline fisk- midnight blue (magical, lovely)
louise plumber- a dance for 3 (unremarkable)
sandra cisneros- the house on mango street (short chapters like poetry. not really my thing. chicago.)
patricia wrede & caroline stevermer- the grand tour (regency europe, magic, fun, braintrash)
rosa guy- ruby (lesbian, not recomended)
monica furlong- coleman (i've been waiting forever! lived up to expectations)
bett williams-girl walking backwards (a.- you totally need to read this one!)
jane futcher- crush (lesbian YA)

märz 05
alex sanchez- rainbow boys, rainbow high (sweet valley high for gay boys. totally fun)
ann heron- two teenagers in 20 (dated, but still good)
chris lynch- the gravedigger's cottage (well written YA book)
suzanne fisher staples- shiva's fire (enjoyable indian YA book)
xanthus press- breaking silence (coming out letters- interesting, timeless)
roald dahl- skin and other stories (totally creepy, but well written- ugh!)
ann brashares- second summer of the sisterhood (addicting, enjoyable, great quotes)
kate brian- the princess and the pauper (lovely YA braintrash)
dorothy canfield fisher- understood betsy (adorable classic)
brenda woods- red rose box (enjoyable YA)
lloyd alexander- the rope trick, the book of three (escapism r us)


i watch fewer movies than i read books, so i'll go back farther with these. if you're on netflix and you think the below list is interesting, please make me your friend!

august 07:
simpsons movie

juli 07:
little miss sunshine
jesus camp

juni 07:
NONE. isn't that sad?

mai 07:
billy's hollywood screen kiss
high heels
shrek III
all over me

april 07:
motorcycle diaries
season 1 disk 1 the muppets show
shut up and sing

märz 07:
all i want. isn't that sad? only one movie, and it was awful.

februar 07:
groundhog day
big eden

januar 07:
igby goes down
happy feet

dezember 06:
charlotte's web
muppets christmas carol
american dreamz
it's a wonderful life

november 06:
the gymnast
fahrenheit 911

oktober 06:
high art
imagine you and me
open season

september 06:
the quiet
rear window
the science of sleep

august 06:
ma vie en rose

juli 06:
the birdcage
superman returns
defying gravity

juni 06:
the last year
more tales of the city
beautiful people

mai 06:

april 06:
happy endings
v for vendetta
dark habits
goodbye lennin!

märz 06:
american splendor
bad education

februar 06:
white oleander
the city of lost children

januar 06:
brokeback mountain
nightmare before christmas
maria full of grace
the upside of anger
jay and silent bob strike back
it happened one night
by hook or by crook
napoleon dynamite

dezember 05:
harper valley pta
narnia: the lion the witch and the wardrobe
adventures of 2 girls in love
uptown girls
better than chocolate

november 05:
freaky friday (new version)
shreck 2
sisterhood of the traveling pants
simpsons season 2

oktober 05:
tales of the city disk 2
latter days

september 05:
man of aran
mall rats

august 05:
tales of the city disk 2
the man who knew too much
welcome to the dollhouse

juli 05:
the incredibles
i *heart* huckabees
but i'm a cheerleader again, with ch and jack

juni 05:
beyond silence
big fish
simpsonds season2 disk 1
tales of the city disk 1
a league of their own

mai 05:
master and commander: the far side of the world
kissing jessica stein, again, with g
william shakespeare's romeo + juliet

april 05:
im juli
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
edge of 17
live flesh

märz 05:
easy rider
a handmaid's tale
a home at the end of the world
where the heart is
all about my mother
xmen united

februar 05:
the borne supremecy

januar 05:
the american friend
late bloomers
inventing the abbotts
smilla's sense of snow

dezember 04:
all about the guy

november 04:
things you can tell just by looking at her
pieces of april
what have i done to deserve this?

october 04:
annie hall
all about eve
cold comfort farm
the bitter tears of petra von kant

september 04:
the man who wasn't there
apocolypse now
mean girls
strawberry and chocolate (fresa y chocolate)

august 04:
far from heaven
the graduate
matrix reloaded
garden state
someone like you
bowling for columbine

juli 04:
leagally blonde 2
dark city
shawshank redemption
silence of the lambs
ocean's 11

juni 04:
bagdhad cafe
the big lebowski
hedwig and the angry inch
but i'm a cheerleader
chasing amy
mr deeds goes to town
dr. strangelove
pirates of the carribean

and that takes us to when this blog started. there are many movies before that, but you all'd have to show interest for me to type up more.
the future ones, however, you'll get without even asking.


nothing to hold me

the good weather has finally broken, and so has my mood. g came over and waxed my hair, finally. she trimmed the frizzies,too, and it makes it look much better, much more contained and dreadlocky. i had sucky jobs at work today, letting out darts, sewing on snaps and buttons over them. it was still beautiful when i came home, but as i was making lunch (it was yummy and beautiful! egg noodles with sauteed asparagus, radishes, scallions and green peas! just a bit of vinegar, honey and dill for a light sauce- yum!) the clouds rolled in and we decided NOT to wax outside. now it's thunderstorming, and i sent her home with my best umbrella and my black joni sweater. but she made me glum. i guess i just want her so bad, and she's gonna leave me and marry joe and have a million babies. she's gonna graduate and go to texas or california (where he's from) or costa rica and i'll never ever hear from her again.
it was nice to know jen and pam and chris in the costume shop, but the quality of my friends has gone way down, i think. they're fine, but i'd never keep in contact with them if they left. they're not like amy and meike and ruth and mairee... g's gonna leave and it's gonna just be me and ch in chicago. it's so lonely. patty griffin again, "isn't it hard sometimes, isn't it lonely, how i still hang around here, there's nothing to hold me" i'm going to go read a book and escape into someone else's life.


beatiful day

i forgot to mention this yesterday. it was glorious, lovely. over 10c, that's 50f. and sunny. it's such a big deal in chicago, cause we have 50 deg. days in the winter, but it's usally rainy, too. and we sometimes have sunny days, but that usally indicates BITTER, bitter cold. so having both at once made it feel like spring is coming! i took a useless trip to radio shack to enjoy the weather. then today, it was in the 60s! whoot! whoot! i went to the dentist, and i have no new cavities- 6 more months! heh! then i rode my bike to work at the costume shop. it was a lovely ride, my bike was flying, minimal tanic acid in my thighs, and the costume shop is so much closer than the sears tower. it took me about 45 min- the same time it takes to take the bus. yes! so i was thinking i might do this more frequently.
at work everyone was so friendly. i had made a very grand enterance. the contacts and bike helmet seemed to be a surprise. i was on corset duty with pam and jen, sewing together their covers. i hope i get a chance to take tom's class so i can learn to make corsets from begining to end.
afterwards, jen and pam were going to target, so i went with. they had the cutest little ironing bords, so i bought one. along with gittery sparkly shoes that are like ruby red slippers, only pale pink. and easter chocolates on sale. and liquid eyeliner. yeah. it was quite a bit to stuff in the panier, but it fit. and i did stop myself from buying a toaster. when we went outside it was overcast, and the wind was blowing from the south. grrr. i hoped it would change by the lake, but no such luck. the wind was AWFUL, i had to stop twice. luckily i had water and easter candy to sustain me. i rewarded myself by listening to my ipod in one ear, and that did help. but it still felt like FOREVER. i spent way too much time in first gear. i'm s exhausted now.
also, have i mentioned that in the parking lot that used to be out my window, they're building a new building? i'm glad that it will only be 5 stories and i will still have my view, but i am NOT excited about construction noise every day. i can sleep through it now, but when summer comes and my windows are open, i know they are going to wake me up at the crack of dawn. as if the trains aren't bad enough. and my apartment will be filthy! ugh. not looking forward. i wonder how long it will take. maybe it will be apartments and new families will move in and there will be another little girl my age to be friends with. hmmm. the ideas of good neighbors have definately changed since my childhood.
however, these pink sparkly shoes i bought run really big. cause i got 2s!! i kept walking out of the 2 1/2s. this is rediculous. i really am still in elementary school.


comment replies

just in case you all don't go back and look at the old haloscans, a cut and paste:

jamie- you make me feel much better about my jumping all over the place with my posts! that's right, i'm not being sporatic, i'm being creative!
tre- thanks so much for your encouragement i always hope i write a blog at least i'd read!
brando- you are always welcome! your comments mean even more because they're few and far between. i must admit i'm a bit jelous of your huge following, but am honored that you're still stopping by here.

girls and boys

so, remember yesterday when i said all i'd done was read? well, there's some childrens book of the week things thrown in there, but i've mostly been reading alot of gay teen stuff:
-breaking silence: coming out letters (i forget the publisher)
-two out of twenty ed. anne heron
-alex sanchez's rainbow books
-maya's speech in philly, which she's posted on her blog.

now, in many ways i can totally relate, as i feel i still have a high school mindset, i read so much of this stuff, it's hard for me to mentally believe i'm not a teenager any more. and i'm in general less assured about my sexuality than the characters. they're struggling with deciding who they are, what their future looks like, and how to come out to their parents the same way i do.
however, i'm 24 years old. i'm still singing linford's line from "fairpoint diary"- "it took me twenty some odd years to see i'd been born blind." i feel gypped- i missed my chance to come out in high school. i missed my chance to be questioning and get support from all sorts of places. everyone my age has now been out for years and being gay is old news. pout, pout.

which is really sick, as there's a HUGE difference between me and teens. i live in chicago. my parents live in PA. sure, they send me money and i'd be hard-pressed to keep up my student status on my own. but at this point i could do it, they could disown me and i'd still have my life- my job, my apartment, my friends. i don't have to LIVE with people i come out to, dealing with their reactions. and they don't have the power to screw up my life, to kick me out of the house, on the street. they can't cancel my scholorships, call the cops on my (theoretical) lover, or even spray paint my locker. for all the youth clubs i'm not allowed in, i'm old enough to go into any bar i want to. AND, i'm finally old enough to make good decisions. i'm not saying that i'm in anyway stable when under the influence of Luv, but at least i no longer have all those crazy teenage imbalananced hormones fucking me up. i want to adopt them all, have a big house where they can live. no, not really. i couldn't deal with all the stupid decisions. but i definately have a better idea who my population is, and it's not homeless latino families.

finally, in compairing myself to the writers, i have to make another list:
-i don't like sports
-i'm into long hair
-i'm flatchested
-i hate (most) dogs
-i love wearing skirts, fancy shoes and false eyelashes- i'm very stylish
-most of my friends are straight girls

so, as this short list shows, except for the vegetarianism, i'm obviously a gay guy. it only makes sense, doesn't it?
well, except for the whole liking girls thing.


about blogging

it's been a SUPER lazy day, and i've done nothing but lay around and read. i managed to get dressed and move from the bed to the dining room, and eat something and read the newspaper. i feel like such a blogger, reading the newspaper then signing online to discorse on my opinions. (since discorse is not the first word on anyone's mind when they read my comments, and since i usally have to go to work or school after reading the newspaper and forget what had me all riled up. generally, what i read in the newspaper is very specific- i read what interests me, and the things that won't upset me. i rarely read about iraq, never about sports or business or home-owning. i always read the comics. i often read the metro section. i love the political cartoons on either side, but i am very careful about whose editorials i read. i have my opinions and feel strongly about them, but other times, i just am not informed enough about the situation to be loud about how i feel. not only do i like only getting the news I choose, i'm also not compelled to have up-to-the-second news. thus, i don't watch the news or listen to the radio, i read the newspaper.
so i'm reading last sunday's editorial section, and aparently the big hooplah is about how there aren't many women on the editorial page. and there's another article about information overload. and they both mention bloggers. and as a woman blogger, i feel a need to respond. because it can't be denied that i do indeed blog. and i read other blogs. and i am completely not in the blogger profile that the newspaper sees. i do blog because i want people to read and respond to my opinions. but it's not the political opinions that i care about. they were dissing the right bloggers who only read and link right blogs and the left bloggers who only read and link left blogs. i guess i'm a left blogger, but i certainly don't keep my blogroll full of left blogs. when a right minded political blog comes up on blogexplosion, i don't even read it. but when a left one comes up, i don't read it either. i'm not into political blogs. i'm not like jaime or cecila or brando where i try and keep the political out of my blogs, but it's not a consuming passion for me. the opinions i care about, write about, and want to read about are smaller and personal decisions.
it really makes me think about why i blog. i'm always saying i just do it for myself, because i have this urge to process all my stuff in an an exterior way. but somehow journalling isn't enough- the writing on it's own isn't enough. it has to be read for me to get my catharsis. still, the motivation is entirely selfish. if i have nothing pressing to write about i may write about something i think may interest my readers. but if there's something that's bugging me you're going to hear about it. i don't use any CEER, much to the disapointment to my readers i'm sure. (CEER= creative embelishment for the entertainment of readers. from meg cabot. go read her blog.) i'm not providing polished arguments to incite readers. i'm more providing the beginings of thoughts and letting them start musings for my readers. or at least, that's how i hope it works.
i read blogs that are like mine, in the respect that few of them talk about politics at all, and the ones that do, like pesky apostrophe are full of fun personal exploits, too. i'm having trouble writing in paragraph form today- i feel like i'm going around and around trying to make my point. perhaps this would be better as a checklist.
things i like in the blogs i read:
1. clever and funny (i fail at this)
2. frequent postings (i succeed at this)
3. frendly comment replies (i usally fail at this)
4. interesting characters (i think i succeed at this)
5. cheerful worldview (really, i have no idea)

conclusion- i'm not sure if i would read my blog, if i wasn't me, or not. i think i would think i'm a pretty cool person, so i would comment on my blog, and then i'd read my blog to see who was commenting, and i think i'd stay interested because of the similarities between the two, seeing as i am the same person. this is getting too confusing. i'll stop here.


benifits of baking vegan

i didn't do anything today but cook for mairee. i got up late, washed my hair, and went to the grocery store. when i came home drunkard's prayer had arrived. and i can never get enough over the rhine. i wasn't sure i was going to like it, it's very quiet and simple- the album you imagine two people making as they remove themeselves from the outside world to slowly rebuild their relationship. it sounds like the grey ghost, and i love the pictures of their living room, their dogs, themselves. they are so much more real and less artsy fartsy than their usual photography. i was worried about how few words were in the album insert, missing linford's lyrical poetry, but i knew born already and liked it, so i guessed it would be fine. the first listen i was dubious, as i tend to be, so i thought i'd be patient. even ohio i liked after enough listens, and i didn't expect that to happen. but at the tarantella i realized what it remided me of- linford's solo stuff. what could be more wonderful than karen's lovely voice over the instrumental magic?
anyway, i listened to it while cooking. there were few moments of panic, like when i realized i'd forgotten about the cake, i had no idea how to cut up oyster mushrooms, my whole bag of veggie bullion fell into my hot water and the egg conversion problem. i was halving the recipe so it would fit into my mini bunt pan. 3/4 c is 3/8 cup, no problem. but how do you halve 3 eggs? i used the vegan solution- 1 egg and 1 T. mashed tofu. success!
i won't go into the gritty details of all the cooking, but lets just say that we had little tosts with dilled havari and chianti, then marinated and roasted asparagus, carrots, and beets with garlic, and wild mushroom risotto. and mini ukranian poppy seed bunt cakes with orange glaze and strawberries.
i usally get upset about how i never find out how mairee is doing, we only talk about me. but i was glad to keep away from her wedding= so different than mom or vicky getting married. i think i might actually be able to stay friends with mairee throughout this whole process. i hope so! i felt pretty good about the visit, but was starting to get down. then i started typing this, and i was looking for something in my old files, and found all sorts of wonderful things in a folder titled "connections and love letters." there is a letter from michi that i MUST post someday. it was a reply to one of my whiny letters written in terror as i was begining to come out. and it's so beautiful and encouraging- reminds me of the letter written to the heroine of nancy garden's good moon rising. also found the old blog. i think i'm going to add the entries to the begining of this blog. but then kristy came to give me the magazine she was working for, and get the stuff she's forgotten. and it was nice, i love having guests in town. she elevated my mood, and i'm riding pretty high now.
and tomorrow's still sunday! half the weekend yet to come!

more vegan goodness

well. when i barely have time to write at all it looks like you all come back. thank you. i've missed you. i love you all. i really could get used to the 4 comment a day thing. i think you should keep it up.
so, today was wedding day. we knew it would be a slow morning at the flower shop because it's good friday, but ch's wedding finally scheduled this week at 4.30 and mairee and dave were comming for me at 3.30. it's crazy, we only do like two weddings a year, and it seems both of the consultations are the same day- it ened up being at the same time. ch evesdropped for me for the first hour of mine, but then his party came and we were still on bridesmaids. so it was trial by fire. they're both going to be beautiful weddings. mairee's will be hot pink ravel roses and dendrobium orchids, yellow solidago and white stephinotis and lots of ivy. ch's is going to be lavender roses, violet larkspur, and lime green dendrobiums. mairee's is going to be alot bigger than i expected, it really will be my first major floral chalange in a long time. but i am developing skills, and ch will be there to help me!
i can't believe how late my consultation went, ch and i really wanted to have a drink to debrief, but i had told kristy and simon i'd be meeting them. so i came back to hyde park and the three of us drove to soul vegetarian east! i only get to go when there's a ride, so it's always exciting for me. a, next time you visit, perhaps we can brave the train. it's so greasy! ever since it was on that tv show it seems to be full of white people. kristy and simon knew about it already cause there are branches in dc. kristy went all out and had the meal- 2 different kinds of greens, fried tofu, and lasanga. i had carrot supreme salad and a bbq twist sandwich- we decided it was wheat gluten imitating ribs. it was really good! simon just got a noodle dish, whiich wasn't extraordinary.
we went back to simon's brother, driving right past g's place. no lights on. i miss her so much. she should be back from mexico soon. i don't know why, i don't see her more than once a week- or once a month- but just not being able to call or email makes me pine. anyway, john lives on hpb too, in such a typical place. it's 4th floor walk up, enormous, decrepid. it's a u of c bachelor pad- a mess with junk everywhere, bookcases full of literature and philosophy, signs stolen from 55th street. they were watching basketball, so simon and kristy and i just picked up coffee and cigarettes to watch on my computer. HOWEVER, it was on vhs. now i don't have my escapetv hooked up, and when i tried to load the cd it said i needed os9 and when i tried to load it it said it was just an update and i needed an earlier version of os9! so we watched one of my netflix, the handmaid's tale, instead. we had a little cousin talk (poor simon) and they left, and i started thinking and blogging. i have dinner with mairee tomorrow, and i hope it goes well. i love mairee so much, but she can really get me down. i'm doing ok right now, because even though it's friday night i went out. but now it's getting late and i should go to bed. because sleep is the only cure for friday nights, and this has been the best one in a while.


sushi maki!

so my vegan anarchist cousin is in town! her boyfriend´s brother lives down the block from me. they all came over for dinner tonight, and we made sushi! (i told ch we were gonna, and he said you can 't make vegan sushi, if it doesn't have raw fish it's maki) it wasn't nearly as hard as i feared. they are totally fun people, and no one got drunk or sick this time. we're going to go out to soul vegetarian east tomorrow night. now i must go to bed, as i still have to work all day tomorrow!


i've been writing

...just not here. click here to read the final draft of my first creative nonfiction assignment. our next one is supposed to be a profile, we're supposed to think over break about who we might want to profile. i'm not sure. ch comes to mind, but i may save him for the intensive assignment later. i may do mairee, but i always feel awkward about spreading stories she keeps so secret. and then there's g of course. she'd be the most obvious choice, i guess, but do i really want to come out to all my peer editors? and i couldn't have my mom edit it, of course. i guess i could show her without how i'm involved, although i'm sure it would be in the subtext. we'll see. i have a week to think about it.
so what else have i been writing? i've decided to change the quote in my footer monthy. does anyone ever read down that far? i've finally finished my 100 things list. but you can read it in the sidebar any time you want. thank you tre and cecila for your comments! i've been feeling so lonely here, lately!


book meme!

brought to you by jamie:
You’re stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?
oh dear. perhaps i'm not worthy of a book meme, as i don't know fahrenheit 451. what happens to books there? i don't think i want to knw.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
oh, yes. absolutely. harry in the blue sword. willa in truth, dare, promise. weetzie bat. meg in quest for a maid. mona in tales of the city. the cousin in born confused. every single hero in grace livingston hill books. i read alot of romance, it seems.

The last book you bought is:
well, i put anne lamot's bird by bird on order at the bookstore today. and the book most recently put on my bookshelf is further tales of the city, a's xmas gift. but the last book i actually gave up money for is Creative nonfiction: researching and crafting stories of real life, unfortunately. bleach, textbooks.

The last book you read:
breaking silence: coming-out letters by xanthus press

What are you currently reading?
the new vegetarian epicure by anna thomas
passionate vegetarian by crescent dragonwagon
shiva's fire by suzanne fisher staples

what's next in line?
just checked out from the library:
the kandy kolored tangerine flake streamline baby by tom wolfe
watermark by karen kallmacker
two teenagers in twenty by ann heron
skin and other short stories by roald dahl
rainbow boys by alex sanchez
the gravedigger's cottage by chris lynch
the house on mango street by sandra cisneros
now that i communte with my ipod, perhaps this is optimistic for three weeks...

how do you choose these books mentioned above?
i collect lists from libraries and friends. i also subscribe to the teen book club at dear reader. i used to just collect little scraps of paper, but now i type them up and organize them in little folders to keep on my ipod: reading public library, picture books, mtv, grrl perspective, gay kids, book-o-week, and lil notes books

Five books you would take to a deserted island:
1001 coconut recipies
raftmaking for dummies
tidal current tables 2005
the solitare mystery by jostien gaarder
many waters by madeline l'engle

but if i'm not stranded, and it's just a deserted island, and i was going to be there for, oh, more than a year, and i couldn't take any more books with me, but i would have someone else carry them for me, i would perhaps choose:
dangerous angels if anthologies were counted, girl goddess #9 if not (or if i have to carry them myself)
the drifters by james michner
enchantment by orson scott card
and both were young by madeline l'engle
outlaws of sherwood by robin mckinley
the narnia chronicles, if they all will count as one. otherwise, i'd take the short story aproach and take bauer's am i blue? and elizabeth crane's when the messenger is hot. (her new book of short stories comes out today! horray!)

Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?
a, because she's got laptop access now and can leave long comments even if she's not blogging
justine, because she'd do my memes anyway
bethmonkey, cause i know she reads interesting things even if she doesn't acknolage my existence.


a winter pilaf dinner

shoot. i'm so sad everyone else has lives and doesn't blog on the weekends. this is when i spent the most time sitting in front of the computer, and i fill my recent entries up so no one gets a chance to comment on them all. i keep thinking i'll be able to restrain myself, but i never do. please, feel free to continue to comment on the previous entries! i read ALL my comments, no matter how long ago!
so, since i got my new vegetarian epicure, i've been itching to make a fancy dinner. luckily this weekend wasn't SUPER heavy on schoolwork. still need to do all those damn journal entries. but anyway, about dinner. jen said we should get together, so i decided to clean up and have her over. mom called early and woke me up (so much for catching up on sleep) saturday morning, needing tax information, so i had to call my dad (this does get relavant, i promise). he asked me if i'd gotten out on my bike yet this year, and i had to admit no, but he inspired me so i pumped up my tires and headed off to the fruit and vegetable store today. i'm so out of shape! of course, i bought lots of heavy groceries, too. squash, cabbage. i had such a nice time in the kitchen. i really do enjoy cooking. if i have time. and the dishes are done. everything was done about 15 min. after jen got here, which i thought was perfect.
i served bulgar pilaf with fennel, raisins and pine nuts; oven roasted butternut squash, red cabbage stewed with apples and wine, steamed fresh green beans, and mini amaretto bunt cakes.
marty had given me the mini bunt cake pan when he came to visit, and i wanted to use it, cause i'm not a big baker. i was nervous about it but they turned out gorgous looking. all the little ridges and corners turned out, and i drizzled the top with fudge sauce, sprinkled it with almonds, stuck a piroette cookie in the middle hole, and garnished them with strawberries cut into little fans. i took lots of pictures, when i develop my film i will post them!
all the recipies serve 10-12 (with everything else in the meal) so i ended up quartering all of them but the pilaf, which i only halved so i can eat it all week with various veggies. i was sure i'd screw up the math, but it was all delicious. Yum!



since so many google searches have involved hair, i want my readers to get what they are looking for! so here are my opinions about hair found in all sorts of places:

animal: the only way to go! i am so pro-natural fibers. i could never be a vegan because i love cashmire and wool and SILK. i also have sheepskin mittens and a fur hat (vintage) that i adore.

g's: i adore g's curly hair and that is what attracted me to her in the first place. risha (who's disappeared from the costume shop. no one knows what happened to her) was adorable merely for having g's hair. it's a facinating texture to draw, and i touch it every opertunity i get.

head: currently dreadlocks. i've always wanted big hair, and so i'm a fan. unfortunately i also like being in control, and you just can't be with dreads. i try- i'm always buying new products to have g rub into them. one of the best things about dreadlocks is having g play with my hair every 2 weeks or so. the best so far are the wonderful smelling rasta twist and lock mango and lime locking gel and the nasty greasy murray's beeswax. i promised i'd keep them til i graduate. we'll see if i'll be able to wait that long- the urge to shave my head is hard to resist.

legs: like 'em furry. z. gave me a REALLY hard time about this as kid. called me a gorilla and made me cover them up. hence i feel very self consious about them, but am trying to change. i can find other women's hairy legs beautiful, but not my own- they are just SO hairy. worse than most guys. if i get depressed one of my favourite forms of self-alteration is shaving. i suppose it's better than fasting or cutting, but i hate the naked, raw feeling afterwards. you don't realize how much you FEEL with your hair until you don't have any. i was hemming a pair of pants for g and was surprised to find her shaven ankles just as repulsive as my own. i always thought i didn't like feeling them from the inside, but i don't like it from the outside, either. i think shaving is right up there with corsets and lack of pockets in the ways beauty standards have opressed women.

armpits: my mother always made me shave them. i remember her stopping me at the philadelphia folk festival and shaving them for me. i continued to in chicago, until i decided it was a good idea not to have any razors in the house. i thought it would be problematic with deodorant, but boys manage just fine, and i do too. i'm probably least ashamed of that hair.

pubic: well, let's just say mine is this enormous arrow from my belly button, saying, "here's where it get it" i swear it goes down to my knees. this is obviously not a problem in chicago winters, but i gave up wearing a bathing suit for about 5 years- i wore this awesome 1910's bathing dress with a full skirt. but i was going to the beach last summer, and decided i didn't wanna go in the ocean with enough clothing to be caught in the tides. so a bought a bikini. i wore my gauze skirts except on the way into or out of the ocean, but i didn't feel like i was getting any stares. the only comment i got was from my vegan anarchist second cousin, who after the 3rd drink admited she noticed and thought "more power to her!" i totally understand about people defoliating the stuff that shows, but as for the stuff that doesn't show in public, you'll have to see my thoughts on legs. i never even noticed hair on nipples until tgisw said she plucked hers before our petting session. i can't care one way or the other.

facial: ch was whining about kissing with mustaches- you end up getting brush burn on the inside of your lips. i never considered this. if i was spending time kissing boys, i'm sure i'd have more opinions about facial hair. i know mairee is deeply, deeply, depressed and embarrased by her facial hair- she feels a slave to the removal of it and thinks even having to deal with it makes her ugly and masculine. leaving it or removing it is a no win situation. my mother also made me bleach my mustache when i lived at home. i never liked it, but i still do it. i tried plucking, but it hurts to much and takes to long, and is apparently bad for the folicles. my first trip to germany, meike was waxing her legs and i tried some on my mustache- it didn't work, hurt more than i could imagine, and made be break out all over my lip the next day. my grandma gave me electrolysis for christmas. Thanks grandma, you give me such confience in being beautiful just the way i am. i tried for her sake, but it was awful- i ended up fainting. the ends are growing longer, and i found myself twirling them when i was thinking like ch does for his. so now i trim it with tiny scissors and bleach the stubble, and for now i am content. but i'm not sure how i would deal with other peoples. i'll get some more experience and get back to you.

arms, backs, fingers toes: not a big problem for me, but i don't think it should be messed with! in general, i'm pro-hair. one of the few things ch and i have in common in our seach for dates is liking the hairy ones ;->

i feel my hair is tied very tightly to my psyche. if i think my hair on my head looks good or bad, it often depends on how i'm feeling. having hairy legs and armpits seems to be a sure sign of the stereotype feminist lesbian. and when i'm feeling sad, lonely, and ugly, i want to remove it all, clog the drains, and see if i can rip off other things about myself that i hate while i'm at it. i haven't shaved since a year ago halloween, although i seem to think about it every friday night. i'm never sure if this is something to be proud of or embarassed of. i wonder if perhaps i think and talk about hair more than anyone else in the whole world, or at least the whole blogosphere.


"a review of our records indicates that a message on the front page of your march 2005 statement refered to an incorrect page numner for a "notice of changes to your agreement." the "notice of changes to your agreement" is located directly before the "important notice concerning cardmemeber privacy" which is printed on the last page of your statement. we apologize for any confusion this may have caused. please contact us at the number on the back of your card if you have any questions."

what a waste of a stamp! here i thought it was gonna be a warning i'd exeeded my credit limit or my card had been stolen. sheesh.

back to the bills.


diamonds, roses, i need moses to cross this sea of lonelines, part this red river of pain.
i don't neccessarily need any key to the future or happiness, but i need a little place in the sun sometimes or i think i will die.
and everywhere is somewhere, but nowhere is here.
everybody's got somebody with their wine and their beer.
and i'm just this tragic figure in the corner over here, with an empty apartment and a best friend who is queer.
and everytime i see him he smiles and he tells me how well he's walking these miles, but he never ever asks a single thing about me.
if i'd die he'd here about it eventually.
diamonds, roses, i need moses to part this sea of loneliness, part this red river of pain.

thanks, patty griffin. though it's a bit hard on ch (who does care, and asks) and doesn't mention my unbearable mother.


friday random 10

1. reaching from nowhere- milla javonovich
2. sunday morning- no doubt
3. l.a.r. reprise- over the rhine
4. first love- everything but the girl
5. winding road- bonnie somerville (garden state soundtrack)
6. captain (steal this riff)- katell keineg
7. the sea cry- gentle giant
8. another train- the poozies
9. call me al- paul simon
10. wildest dreams- llama

note: god's honest truth! i usally don't do these things cause i cheat and fudge it. but this is really what it played, with the exception of ani's amazing grace which i promptly removed from my library, so it doesn't count.

little letters in answer to your phone call

dear ch,
please don't turn off the computer by unplugging it. there is really no worse thing to do. we can always problem solve this rationally. i hope loosing all your mp3s will finally make this stick.

dear a.,
thanks for calling. i love you. i wish i could connect with your life again.

dear z.,
oh, honey! i am so, so, sorry. cyber hugs for you.

dear mom,
you exhaust me. goodbye.


green midori

at work this morning ch had a green carn boutinierre on and was calling me lass. HELLO! this is the guy who doesn't dress up for halloween. can anyone say PINK ROOM? he's got it BAD for jack. i called teleflora today. they're all backed up, we won't have our new emails till next week. makes me nervous about relying on it for anything. ch has a yahoo acct, so it looks like my flower account will be for work only. if i ever get it. after work today was the post mordem for my show. thats the last thing... well, i still have about 4 receipts that i haven't turned in yet. damn. i'll never get all my money back. crazy. when i finally got home, my check came in the mail today, so hopefully someday soon i'll be able to straighten out my finances. after my meeting, ch was meeting jim for a green beer, so i met them at bucks. jim was already wasted. i of course wouldn't drink green beer, so i had midori sours, which are the appropriate color. they were so weak, so so sour! and i hadn't had any dinner, so i was munching on pretzel sticks, but still felt sick. got in a couple of good oneliners with jim.
ch:...when you were on the front page of the sun times?
j: naw, naw, the TRIBUNE, the met,,met,, metro sexion,,
ch: (laughing) the metrosexual part? (all laugh)
c: (very serious) wait- jim- i- i thought you were gay... (stolen from ava adore i know)
and then when i was leaving ( i left most of my 3rd drink with ch, i just couldn't do it) jim's being his super annoying self, and says, naow, naow, how do you get home from here? i HATE when he does this. it's not that he's caring for me, it's that he doesn't think i'm old enough to get around the city myself or something. i am an INDEPENDENT WOMAN, ok? so rather than tell him what he would KNOW sober, walk to belmont, redline to the loop, #6 to hyde park, i just look at him real sexy and say, " oh, i have my ways" and walk out. i glance back through the window and he's looking at me with his drunk smile that says he can't belive i just got him, he can't belive i'm that clever, because he fucking refuses to believe i'm not 12, straight and christian. hello? i work with ch 3 days a week!
also- another crazy cat lady in the flowershop today. she bought a mylar balloon for her cat. i will never be able to get a cat because i fear becoming a crazy cat lady. i was carrying my library books in a canvas bag (but of the grocery sort, not with a museum or public media station logo) and defrosted a lentil burger for dinner when i finally got home, so i'm feeling a bit fragile. i just learned today that a stereotype of vegetarians is eating just lentils. here i thought it was eggplant and portabellos. ch says no, before there was tofu there was lentils, and portabellos were just invented in the 80s. who knew.
i am so desprate to cook. my freezer is almost completely depleted of readymade foods. i have an indian tv dinner, a asparagus bird's nest (eep- almost a year old!) and some pesto i'm planning to turn into pesto-polenta spoonbread someday now that i have a soufflé dish.
did i tell you i managed to screw up boxed mac and cheese the other day? i added way too much olive oil instead of putting in a bit of butter. ugh! i can't eat the rest of it. i feel like that was the bottom and it can only up from here.


catching up

simply: it's never going to happen. i'm so tired of working so hard. i got home late after carlos's party last night and hung out online instead of making a shopping list. or going to the grocery store. or reading pot of gold. i was so, so exhausted when i woke up this morning, and knowing that i'd probably be kicked out of class anyway for not doing the reading, i slept through it and reset my alarm for set design. still tired all day. making a better mix for z, wish i hadn't sent her box so quickly. i guess i'll have to send an encore. those were the mixes she wanted, this is the one I want to send!
didn't eat again today, since my bagel for breakfast and pretzel and sesame sticks throughout the day. really, i need to commit to this meal thing. skipping one is ok but 2 is not. as if i'm not tired enough already. g is coming over soon, the last time i'll see her before she leaves for mexico on spring break. it's a good excuse to clean the house, but it means staying up late again, and i'm just not that into it. i hope i'm polite. cause i really do love her. i'm so glad that my class got out early tonight and i have a chance to write here before she comes over. not that i have anything to say. i'm going to go make dinner.


stars concert

i should type about carlos's birthday party tonight, it was a wild latino birthday, reminded me of su casa, mexican meat, spanish, cute babies, wild dancing (brando- there was a cuban girl there, and she was an amazing dancer and had an amazing bosom to go along with it, and i thought of you and how pleased i was to be able to talk about bosoms in my blog). but i haven't talked about stars yet. that was saturday night. it was at the empty bottle, a dive on the west side, so hard to get to. smoky and claustrophobic- i had to escape at one point before stars came on. i felt so short and stiffled. and i had so many layers i was carying because it was so cold out. they played almost all of the new album, so i was glad i'm starting to learn it. i like to know songs at a concert. there's some definite hits there. ch one the what will they play first contest with set yourself on fire, but they played your exlover is dead, second, and that was my guess. they played my faves from the last album heart: look up, heart, and elevator love letter, which made me think of justine, and wish she was there to hear with us. but there were lots of roadblocks there. nightsongs is my favourite album, but they played so few songs from it, and the ones they played i didn't like much- true and peak hill. it was a country version of peak hill which was totally cool. for the encore, they played a new song which i like (first 5 times, ch's fave new song) and the song i hate the most on heart- what the snowman learned about love. but they did an unheard of 3rd encore, and it was my FAVORITE song on nightsongs. it was really cool. and it reminded me so much of jamie! i need to write about her cds so i can mail her more and enclude tonight. the very first lyrics make me think of her icon, "come around and say you love me, hang your heart in lights above me, is that to much to ask for?" afterwards we ended up taking a cab to the red line. it was so late i had to take the redline all the way to 55th, and it was running on only one track. took 20 min for the garfield bus to come, and i ended up not getting home till 3.30. needless to say, i didn't blog then.
but i wanted youall to know i was thinking of you!
ps does anyone know why my haloscan isn't registering comments? do you all have problems posting?


the elusive hatrack and other stories

well. first about z i guess. she recomended morningstar farms chick'n nuggets. they are truely awesome! with a little honey... yum, yum, yum! she and samir have broken up. it's all very sad. send her a care package, everyone.

i got most of my work done, and then wasted all night reading the second summer of the sisterhood. i have no idea what has drawn me so into the summer of the traveling pants! but read it it's good. ann brashares.

slept through most of classes today, but was almost prepared. listened to jamies mixes- i must write about them! soon, soon. i was thinking about tre and the wife as i went to target afterwards to finally drag home a hatrack. surprise! they were sold out. they printed out a list of the targets that have them. HELLO! i'm only crazy enough to drag a hatrack on the bus half way across the city, not the whole way. anyway. still managed to spent 40 bucks. how DOES that happen. new ropelights, though:

was iming z while writing this. am making a mix for her to mail out, and wouldn't you know it's past my bedtime, again, already. grrr. i need to live on less sleep. was gonna be eloquent. only have time for facts.


the rest of the pictures...

here are the 2 samir took, proving he's a better photographer than i am:

as far as the pictures i took, i put them into the apropriate entries. you can find them here:
all dressed up but blurry
rainbow scarf (full flash)
two dozen roses
happy family in the park
and you'll be glad to know, i think i finally have my flash figured out. if you can read what's on the little sign. cecilia, the scarf is for you.

i shoot with 35mm film (usally 400 color) on my ancient (1970s) nikkormat marty gave to me. it's manual focus, light meter, everything, even the timer is a ticking dial. it weighs more than i do, and i love it. (at least in the sunlight w/o flash)
i send my film away to york photo labs for developing. i remember my grandma close sending out the little envelopes, and i got one in those stupid blue valupak coupons. i was furious for walgreens charging me $15 dollars for screwing up my order (i hate paying for superflous doubles!) and so i tried them. they do a good job, take both color and black and white, and are über cheap. 1.85 for 27exp. 3x5 single prints. and for 99cents they will give you an online album on their website. it's perfect for the blog, as i don't need to upload them to flickr or anything. i should probably just get them online so i can look at them, and then order prints from that. express service is 30 cents and you get your photos online in a few days and the prints in about a week. so for $5 and one week, you can get a double prints and a digital album. what more could you ask for? they also go the other way, and will give you prints from your media card. everyone at school has or wants digital. but i adore my film camera. nothing like being in total control.


research, research

i love google images!

spam ordner

apparently i DO have a spam filter. as far as i can tell, stuff only goes into it when i sign on with the american version of aol. unfortunately, i can only ask tech support about that version. i tried to check the same things in aol deutsch, but "post kontrol" gets me nowhere. the settings don't seem to be the same.... however, "spam ordner" gets me there, so as long as i check that every few days, i should be fine. however, it's still annoying. i can't wait for caitlin@rosexpressions.com!

sie haben post

guess who's film just got developed? !

yes, if you're wondering, that is the red skirt.
more to come!


thursday night

i didn't post! weren't you worried? here's what happened: after work on thursday i had to go to the post show discussion of my play. it was totally lame, but while there i got invited to the cast party. i couldn't decide to go or not, so i went to have some thai to think about it... i decided to go. it's at michael's house, at irving park and sheridan. i was so wistful, thinking about cory and tom's place, just a block away. rembering carying their stereo, bottle of tequila, paper lantern and chickenesque burgers home with me on the train. i miss them. anyway, i've always liked michael, even though his kindness and laidbackness (he wrote for his shoe size 8-11 so i wouldn't worry! ) made me peg him a pothead. his place is super nice, much more open than north side places usually are. and the wood floor and trim was all unpainted, stained really dark-it made it seem all grown up. it was just trinia and nathan and michael and me for a long time. i felt so out of it, being a designer, and i couldn't understand trinia and nathan! it made me feel so white! when they talked to me it was ok, but drinking didn't really help. there was melon flavored vodka i was mixing with jucy juice- it was really good, and probably why i stayed as late as i did. michael is a super nice guy- i thought so before, but he was really kind to me at the party. engaged me, made me feel like i wasn't left out. of course there was pot. he's a big smoker. the thing that bugs me the most about it is all the finiky little processes one must go through. it's not like you pull out your pack of cigarettes. it takes for ever, and i always have my eyes on the clock. we talked about it early on, he was doing his justifying and explaining, and i'm like, man, it's not like i don't know anyone who does, the opertunity just hasn't come up yet. many of the stories my friends tell me involve pot. lots of people don't believe i haven't smoked. i've gotten stopped in the elevator more than once by people looking to get some. i just always have to leave early, or i don't feel safe, or whatever. and he looks me in the eye and says, you can do whatever you want, but i want you to know you are safe here tonight, and if nothing else i'm gonna make sure you're feeling safe, we'll make sure everythings going ok, get you a cab home, whatever you need. i'm thinking, god i wish i was straight, but i can't possibly be straight, because i would be crushing on you BIG TIME right about now. i'd been whining about having to work friday, open early, can't stay out late, can't get too fucked up tonight, because ch wanted a long weekend now that he has a bf. this inspires another really awesome bit of conversation:
m: so, are you dating anyone right now?
c: oh no, not me.
m: wanna be?
c: um, yeah, of course...
m: you wanna be dating someone, or you wanna be fucking someone?
c: well, um.. (plays with rainbow jellyrings on thumb)
m: um hum. you don't wanna be dating someone. (wry grin)
c. you're right. i just wanna be fucking someone. i can't imagine living with anyone.
m: i know what you mean. (c thinks, no you don't, you live with larry)
c: or, i think it's more, i can't imagine anyone loving me that way
m: (with another one of those soulfilled glances) that's the truth right there. when it comes down to it, i think why would any girl want me - what is there to like about me? hey, you wanna go around the corner with me, get some coke and stuff?

in all that playing with my rings, i wish he wouldn't have been a host, i wish i could have had a chance to look at him back and say, you are the kindest straight man i think i've met since i came to chicago. certainly the only one who wasn't a christian and had to be. you are caring, compassionate, well spoken (really- don't base it on the diologe above!), intelligent, and a good housekeeper. i am so sorry to tell you that i'm a lesbian, because i would love to thow my arms around your neck right now and tell you even more things there are to like about you. i tend to fall in love with straight girls myself, so if i find any unattached winners, perhaps i'll send them your way.
although 3 drinks later, i was thinking that perhaps fucking him would be a good idea, to set my mind straight (pun) once and for all.
once the joint was lit, lots more people showed up, mostly ignoring me. i figured i'd finish my drink about 10, and those were both signals for me to leave. i decided if i didn't have to open the store and work all day by myself, i would have smoked, but i've drunk enough already. i just don't do well at big parties. i have to be in diads, maybe triads, to interact. i had, oh, 10 mins of that before i left, put a good taste in my mouth. i touched michael's hand - said i'm leaving
m: aw, how are you getting home? do you llive off the red line? you didn't drive did you?
c: train, bus, etc. it'll be hours.
m: are you gonna be ok getting home?
c: i'll be fine.
m: are you sure?
c: i've just be drinking. i'll be fine, really.
m: ok, then, travel safe.
c: the next party, if you invite me, i'll smoke.
m: really? do you still have my number? you got your invitation?
c: yes, do you have mine?
m: no, i don't have anything. look, you call me. will i see you at the show.
c: i don't know, i don't even know if i'll be at strike.
m: oh, well, thanks for coming, have a safe trip home.

so now i have to decide, when, if, to call him. maybe i'll have him over for dinner sometime. i'm better on my own turf. and he's such a nice guy. riding home i could smell my hair, and i wondered if those sitting around me on the train could smell pot. i don't know what's wrong with me, why i can't smell it. i thought it was just me being stupid, when others are catching wiffs of it and i can't smell a thing. but i knew which cigarette was the pot at this party, and i couldn't tell the smell from the cigarettes and the incence. so now it's proven. i'm nasally deficent.

came home, fell into bed. was exhausted but no hangover friday morning.
that was this morning, long time ago!
the things that happened today:
-got my old computer set up at the flowershop. yeea haw! internet access from work! love it, love it!
-ch said his nap was too long and he wouldn't be able to go see my play
- called g as she hasn't answered my emails in 2 weeks
-called z and said spring break is coming too soon. i won't be able to visit. she suggested a long weekend later in the semester. so perhaps i'll do that instead. i hope so.
but then, things looked up:
-finally got the package ruth sent by boat! and it's the jerry uselman poster! will have to tell that story later. also, a great picture of me in my false eyelahes. and some pictures of me laughing, something only ruth captures.
-g called. she's sent me 3 emails. she was distraught by my message. i gotta figure out what's wrong with aol and why i'm not getting all of my emails. she couldn't talk long though cause she and jess were on their way to sweet water taste! whoo hoo! i'm so happy they got tickets.

that's all. isn't that enough? now i need to call aol and find my freakin emails.


girl on bus #2, and more

so i'm leaving work yesterday, taking the bus from the sears tower to the library to get my research done for both set design and advanced costume design. ironically the first bus going east is the x28, which i'd be taking to go home, but i can't stay on it the whole way to hyde park, i MUST do this research TONIGHT. at lasalle, this chick is running across the street, and the driver has already shut the doors and is moving forward, but she was super cute and i assume the driver decided to stop again and let her on just because she she looked so good. was very professionally dressed, no surprise getting on at lasalle. she got out her stylish billfold and realized she only had a 5. she's asking everyone on the bus if they have change- no one on a bus is ever willing to give away their change! she looked like a cab riding north sider who's never ridden a bus before. i thought she was african american, but when she started talking i realized she was indian. she was so pitiful i took my chicago card and swiped it for her. she was effusively greatful, i took off my ipod and we had the nicest conversation. sure it was only 2 blocks long, but hopefully i'll run into her again- she lives in hyde park, her stop's cornell but she said she lives near washington park- so she doesn't have a very good handle on city geography yet. she just moved here from new york, and doesn't feel hp is a particularly safe neigborhood, but she's excited about her new job at a law firm downtown. if i hadn't been saying "fuck it" to my reseach all week (did i mention the library was closed for pulaski day monday?) i would have blown off my research and chatted the whole way to hyde park, but unfortunately duty called.
i could find NO pictures of what polish people wore early 17th century. if anyone has any insight, let me know. however i did find a great book on greek architecture. it has photos of the ruins today, then a plastic overlay with what they speculate it looked like then painted overtop. it's really cool.
in 2 classes i was able to bluff my way through not having complete homework, so i have some bad karma coming to me. i also sent flowers to everyone in the costume shop today for our pizza party to celebrate the opening of my show. frances was swatching at fishman's and vogue with her class, horray! so she didn't come to my party, and i didn't feel bad about not buying her flowers. she doesn't deserve flowers. everyone else does. i love working in the costume shop again!! i sewed together 2 pairs of button-fly pants today, they are ready for fittings tomorrow.
someday i'll have to do character analysis on my night class, creative nonfiction. there are some winners, and some really abrasive people. snooty. there's this one guy who looks like a stoner with long dreadlocks, and he's only talked twice in class. once to totally slam something i said contradicting the other annoying girl, and today to totally deride a piece we had read. when we're passing our drafts of our paper around, i REALLY didn't want him or her to read mine. but it ended up it was just him and i, and so we had to swap. he put little effort into reviewing mine, which i prefer to dissing, and his was creepy: his artifact was a dead goldfish, and he compared how goldfish can't live together with each other with how he felt different from and better from all the members of his kindergarten class. the other person who critiqued mine was a guy who's friends with the girl i don't like so i was worried, but he gave me good critique, and thanked me for my comments on his, said they were very helpful! so horray. there may be more winners in this class than i first thought.
have i mentioned how i'm enjoying my misquito netting? from the outside you can see through it so it's not like it's a wall or something, but from the inside it's really enclosing, creating this little cave- it makes me feel like i have a real bedroom. and i haven't pulled it down from the ceiling again yet. we'll see how my additude changes after that happens!
feeling less kind twards my potato soup after it leaked through the tupperware (boo ikea!) and a plastic bag to soak my backpack and ruin my utne reader. thank god it was just that and not the library books!
so ends my day. good night. peace.



well, since you asked...
( as a side note, am so glad to have commenters again! i missed you all last week! but i think 4 today from 3 different people makes up for it!)
so, in adition to my mom's vegetarian epicure and crecent dragonwagon's bible, my little sis z brought me the student's vegetarian cookbook. i made the potato corn chowder last night and was very pleased. tasted at least as good as the mollie katzen version i have, but it takes less time and makes 1/2 as many dishes! mollie's makes sense i guess if you have fresh corn, but i can never be bothered. in this one, you sauté an onion and some celery, chop up a potato or two, and add that with 3 cups milk (i used 2 c soy and 1 c water) i also added my spices at this point, cause i like them to simmer- salt and pepper, and some aditional thyme from the katzen recipie. simmer for 20 min or till potatoes are tender. mash the soup until it's the consistency you like it with a potato masher. add a cup of corn, 1/2 cup of peas, cook till heated through, voila!
and i bought a tub of hummus last week, so i'm going through a sandwich phase. they go so nicely with the soup, and i've hit my peak the past couple of days- the homemade bread from amy, 40 spices hummus, cheddar cheese, italian marinated tofu, red leaf lettuce. i've got two and a half sandwiches of tofu left, and perhaps that much bread, so by the end of the week i'll have to come up with something inventive to do with the lettuce. i'm a make a main course, eat it for 2 days, make another, etc. kind of girl, so coordinating all these little bits gives me a great feeling of accomplishment. i am now itching for it to get warm enough to ride my bike again, so i can go to the fruit and vegetable store on 53rd street (which i have apparently deemed to far away to walk to, at least during the school term and/or on weeknights) three new cookbooks and the thought of free evenings... i definately need to start planning a dinner party!

is this really interesting to you all? god knows vegetables and dinner take up alot of my mind, but i can't imagine it being interesting for others. for the most part thinking about food is a source of calmness rather than stress, and i blog about all the things that are driving me crazy/ mad/ sad. so i guess for me cooking and bloging have alot in common.

how dry is it?

it's so dry in chicago i can leave a little bowl of pirouline cookies out and 2 days later they're still not stale!


too tired

well, i'm managing to stay a week behind in my classes. this is a good thing, i'm not falling farther and farther behind...ugh. i was SO exhausted this morning, i thought i'd just sleep through my first class, but i got up and decided it could do it. i ended up being a half hour late... and i've been falling asleep all day. it was really exciting to go into the costume shop and get a sewing assignment for three penny opera! it seems like it's been so long since i've sewn. i'm so glad my show's up. since i didn't have any research done for advanced costume design frances let me go early so i could get to the library. surprise! it's polaski day in chicago! good old kashmir polaski. makes me feel like i'm in germany, random city holidays no one understands. the columbia library was still open and i read there until i fell asleep, not finding anything i could use. fuckit. i'm home now and am going to make dinner.


country quiz

who knew the un was a country?

the United Nations!

Most people think you're ineffective, but you are trying to
completely save the world from itself, so there's always going to be a long
way to go.  You're always the one trying to get friends to talk to each
other, enemies to talk to each other, anyone who can to just talk instead of
beating each other about the head and torso.  Sometimes it works and sometimes
it doesn't, and you get very schizophrenic as a result.  But your heart
is in the right place, and sometimes also in New York.

face="Times New Roman">Take the Country
at the Blue Pyramid

moving slowly

i can't believe how i haven't done anything today! i guess i'm due for some not doing anything time, but i want to get caught up on my homework so i can stop making excuses in my classes, and not have the presure hanging over my head. but i can't seem to move... when i made my bed last night the misquito net fell down from the ceiling. the hole's just plaster- i couldn't screw my hook back in. so i had to nail into the boards around the edge and tie a string between the two with the net hung from it. i don't really trust the yarn, even a 4ply of it- we'll see how long it takes me to wake up with it pulled down and wrapped all around my body.

mom said it was 50degrees out today- that's 10 centigrade! i never ventured outside my front door. isn't that sick? but i wanted to get this stuff done then i got distracted. boo. need to at least do laundry. i also might buy a newspaper- mine didn't come AGAIN today. that's the 3rd sunday in a row. this is a major problem. but i can't seem to move. or think. i can read, that's about it. i can type, but it's super duper slow- am constantly distracted.

mom brought me two new cookbooks- the new vegetarian epicure by anna thomas and the passionate vegetarian by crescent dragonwagon. am gonna cook something or other from the latter this week, and was distracted for hours today reading the former. it makes me wanna have a dinner party. i need to be reassured of my cooking abilities first, though. i made lentil soup for z and samir, and it turned out good. so perhaps i just needed to start out easy, and it's coming back.

so lazy, so unprepared for frances's class tomorrow. so can't muster any gumption to care.

opening night

i survived! in fact, i survived the whole weekend. it's over now. everyone's gone/going home. i just have homework to do. it's just crazy to have my family- aunt deann, grandma, z., samir, mom and marty. thursday night mom marty z samir ch and i all had dinner at the green zebra. it's totally chi chi, and the food was BEAUTIFUL and AWESOME. def. worth the high prices. i had the Sweet Corn Mezza Luna, with white beets, brussel sprouts and riesling reduction and the potato gnochi with carmelized rape and parmesan sauce. marty was silent, the mode i prefer. we dropped the parents off at the hotel and z and samir and i went to jimmie's. they were mixing drinks super strong, and we had a good time. happy 21st, z! then friday i took the day off and tried to do homework. we cleaned my house, hung the new misquito net mom got me over my bed. it's cute, but needs to be dyed and decorated. then went to north and clyborn to shop. met downtown with all the others for deep dish pizza of course, and then off to the play with all but mom and marty (who doesn't like to watch things twice.) got a few notes when shopping and had to take costumes home again fri. night. z had her digital camera and took some pics- hopefully they turned out and she'll send them to me to post here! since i had the costumes z and samir and i just came home. we had beers and my fave spiked abuelita and soy drink, and watched all about my mother. don't know how z feels about almodovar! this morning i pushed z and samir out of bed so they'd help me tidy before the whole clan came. i put all 7 of us around my dining table and we had tea and snacks- crumpets my g'ma called them. marty was his more annoying argumentative self, but whatever. we went shopping down 53rd, then z and samir left to hit the mag mile before flying out. we all toured frank lloyd wright's robie house and wandered through u of c's campus- marty's heart's desire, but i felt bad for poor bored aunt deann- she should have gone shopping. but she's such a good sport. as some people like g'ma and aunt janet get more and more annoying as the years go on, i have more and more affection and respect for aunt deann. anyway, marty was way too into the oriental institute, so the three of us went to the florian and started lunch/dinner while waiting for the married couple. then went back to my house to do my mending (aunt deann helped me sew velcro! what a good egg!) and loaded it all up. i was terrifed we'd get to the theater late- the stage manager called me up asking where the costumes were! but i made it there with about 10 min to spare, and we all got seats. some serious tense moments at the refreshments afterwards, but mom sent them all off and stayed as late as i wanted to, and then we walked around michigan looking for snacks and i got my cool back. went up to g'ma and aunt deann's suite and played cards- marty was left watching tv in their room, and i had a good time.
now i'm home, they're leaving in the morning, and the play runs till next sunday! ah! i think i may sleep all day tomorrow. schucks. except for that paper. and the research. anyway-
a and jamie, i got both of your packages today!!!! thank you so much!!! i'm so excited!!! i haven't even opened them yet! blog comes first... but i think it's time, right now!


allie and samir still in bed

so much to do, so little time! there's homework and sightseeing and on and on... play at 7.30 tonight!


they arrive tomorrow!

and the dishes aren't done! i'm not going to go to swt tomorrow! previews have started. we're going out for dinner at the green zebra for allie's b-day. WOW! got a 'lil packet from ruth. she returned all about my mother and sent me an article about blogging from the süddeutsche zeitung. i can get the gist of some of it. i'm so appalled though, that the german translation for links is Links. that doesn't make any sense! Links in english is the connecting part of a chain- it makes sense as links link pages together. but in german Links means left. so stupid! what's so special about english?
anyway. i survived confronting frances about ian's costume (there was compromise) the director still isn't happy with the first scene and i don't know what to do about it, and everyone's gonna see it friday night.

you should come too, from wherever you are! call 312-344-6126 for tickets!

and to a.- thanks so much for the comment. really would like to chat sometime. when life calms down, i'll get a chance to hear about YOUR life. but your love is much apriciated!


short post options

1. don't have time to post tonight. (but am going to give you ideas of what i would have posted, if i could have.)

2. why hasn't anyone commented since the 24th? you don't like the long ones, you don't like the short ones. (hopefuly this will jinx me as i haven't checked today yet.)

3. I ate THREE meals today! sure, they were a bagel with processed cheese, nasty soup from the corner bakery, and a microwave chili in a box from the grocery store, but still! 3 separate times throughout the day! i'm gonna try and do the same tomorrow.

4. what is it about frances that after her critiques i always come home and cry?

5. a costume designer's work is never done. first preview tomorrow night.