late night cancer

lisa's in bed but i can't sleep. i don't know what got me started. maybe it was watching Jihad for love, a documentary about gay muslims. sure life is tough for them, but there were lots of scenes of kissing mom if she's there and talking to her on the phone if she's not. or maybe it's that question lisa asked earlier today that i couldn't answer. what WAS going to be my name if i was a boy? i don't know. i can ask my mom now. but how many other questions will i not think of until it's too late?
it's probably from reading her blog (kicking the cancer gator) that got me all emotional tonight. she got her scans back, and whatever, the biggest problem is all these numbers for me. it makes it hard to live in denial. plus they're lower numbers than what z originally told me, i guess i haven't been keeping up in all the changes in diagnosis. but z is. she understands. i have so much anger towards such a silly variety of people. people who say they understand. no they fucking don't. sorry dad, i know you're mom's gone, but you had her for like 50 years. i'll be lucky to have mine 30. people who live longer than my mom. really, aren't my grandparents fulfilled? don't you think they just, chronologically, make more sense to go first? people who have treatable cancer. it doesn't seem fair that lung cancer gets lumped together (ouch, accidental pun) with things that have a 90% chance of being cured. i suppose i should count myself lucky to get this fixed amount of time instead of just the "she didn't look both ways, the bus came out of NOWHERE" phone call. but goddess, the pressure. i have plans to see mom the end of june, july, and august. but what do i want to do with my mom in the summer? i need to decide fast, cause this is probably my last chance. i don't know how many more times she'll come to chicago. it's the pressure that makes me panic. i'm sure once it's too late i'll be full of, "if only i had a chance to do THIS with mom" but right now i feel pretty complete- or my denial is still convinced we have all the time in the world.


yet another forum...

just not public. i feel like i've been typing extensively all about my days and my feelings, and that's because i have. just not here. With lisa! in europe, i've been writing her lengthy emails every day, and that sates any blogging desire i might have. if y'all are really interested i can cut and paste. but it's mostly just how much i miss her and what i've done today.


how are you offended?

So i'm this big NPR fan currently, right? lisa! and i are always talking about Talk of the Nation and Fresh Air. and i'm a google reader addict, and one of the blogs i adore is feministing, so here for your listening pleasure are some links.
here is TOTN's op- ed about gays in the military:
Op-Ed: Gays And The Military A Bad Fit
here is The Purity Myth's author on conservative radio:
Jessica on the Laura Ingraham Show
so the first one is a conservative guest on a liberal call in show with a liberal host and all liberal callers. the second is a liberal guest on a conservative show with a conservative host and callers. now, not to wax political here, but we all know that i'm crazy liberal. and i tend to find political argument pretty uncomfortable. i don't like it when people fight on the radio. i expected, i guess, to prefer the first to the second, because there were more people on my side. but actually, the first made me feel all creepy and uncomfortable, and the second made me cheer "go jessica" a little.

I'm not sure excactly why this is. i think it might be because i'm not comparing apples to apples. First, neal always gets all fired up about the gays, and i'm glad he's on my side, but it doesn't make for a very fair and balanced host. plus his guest was so stupid- his points were just next to impossible to understand. I guess i felt jessica was really well prepared, and every time they tried to make her say she was pro-promiscuity she countered with "girls are more than just sexuality." I guess it just seems like if everyone could just throw away their reactionary language there would be a lot more to agree on.

i know they're both long bits, but i would love if someone else has listened to one- or both- to hear their comments. I don't care much how you feel about the issues themselves, but how these conversations make You feel, and what you think are the differences between these two pieces, and why you think i reacted differently to each. if you don't mind. if you still check back here every once in a while.


party planning!

Lisa's birthday is tomorrow. i hope its perfect. but it's gonna be hard, after this weekend. we were gonna take the water taxi to chinatown for lunch and to buy her a chinese silk robe, but alas the boat doesn't start until memorial day. so instead we bought tacos and took a bus to north ave beach and ate on a pier. then we went to the zoo. it was super charming and a lovely day.