pa update

no mini golf, but the rehersal dinner went fine. my legs safely hidden under the table. which was too bad, really, cause mom had her pedicure today, and took me. so i have very fancy pink toenails now. wow! playing lots of boggle- can't get enough of it. played a little piano too, but not very much, because i have to go to bed, since mom and i are going sacred harp singing tomorrow morning before the wedding. no plans yet for sunday. i wonder if the museum is open. j, i always seem to be in philly on mondays, when it's closed. someday, i'll make it there, because of course i want to go!

pa post

made it safely to pennsylvania. didn't get home til 2.30, but slept in, so it ended up ok. wedding activities today and tomorrow, but sunday i'll be heading to philly. so far i have no real plans- i have to decide if i feel like being a tourist, or a lazybum, or what. do you have suggestions on what i should do there? let me know!



thanksy'all for your lovely comments.
liz- see, i like the m&ms better. the vicodin are all the same color. very bland. you should see what my grandma serves for breakfast!

rachel- i really appreciate your comment. it's true the festival is a big place with so much happening all at once. i'm glad you offered your intentions.

deb- thanks as always baby. i love your complements!

sarah- exactly. i don't care as long as the bride doesn't. and i'm sure who you show your tattoos to depends a lot who it is. i just keep going to these exclusively berks county weddings. i mean, my mom's wedding had all her crazy conservative rural family, her husband's crazy stereotypical jewish family, all their mutual folky singing and dancing friends, and my mom's liberal, tye-dyed folk festival camping friends. it's not that i ever expect to blend in, but i only really stick out when everyone else looks the same.

also thanks to a and krista who gave me love in other sources than the comments. and liz too, who offered me cake.

and the real reason for this post, is a delightful little afterward which is a quote from over the rhine's newsletter:

"We were talking a lot about Home the last few weeks. Karin and I have chosen a life where pretty much every day we get to spend at home is a prize, a rare gift, something we worked for, an event drenched in gratitude. And yet, maybe home is not really about geography or air quality, or moonlight, or being in the city or out of the city, or in a red state or blue state, or in a music town or a working class town. Maybe home has more to do with the work we've all done as individuals to increasingly become people we can live with. Maybe home is the desire to live soulfully, the tiny ongoing decisions we make that allow the soul room to breathe.

That's our prayer for our extended musical family: that we would all find lives that allow the soul to thrive."

and i'm passing it on to you.


the jucy bits, or in need of a little scrabble.

so i have this blogging rule. i try to follow it, because when i don't, it gets me in trouble. and here i am about to break it. it's the don't say anything that's not absolutely praiseworthy about any of your readers rule, not to ever say anything that would make them think for the merest second that i don't absolutely love and adore them with my whole heart. when i break this rule i am usually sorry, end up apologizing profusely and removing the post. so why am i going into this post knowingly breaking the rule? i guess cause i'm feeling friday nightish. and i'm still, well, haunted by the experience. and i don't think... well, you'll see.

the scrabble line is in reference to liz (hi liz!) and all of her struggles this summer, and how she wants to drink and play games with her friends at the bar because beating them in scrabble is the sort of self esteem boost she needs. and i guess i need a similar boost, and i'm hoping that sharing my stories will incline people, not so much to feel sorry for me, but to say, hey cait, that sucks, you know i'm there for you no matter what, right? the difference here of course is liz actually CAN beat people at scrabble, and i choose the more impressive word, or the word i like better, over the word with more points. deb and i are pretty evenly matched in scrabble, because though i have the better vocabulary, she plays for the points. mom and i did get out the boggle though, and it was AWESOME fun, and i'm so much better than i was the last time i played against her, oh, 15 years ago and vowed never to do it again. but i guess i should begin at the begining, before i started having such fun with my mother.

ok, so most of michigan for me happened in my head. it was all about my relationships with people. so going into it, if you remember, d by the very nature of her fuckup couldn't come with me, leah left me a message saying people she was camping with didn't want to camp with me, and ashley sent me an email saying they'd rather take more beer than me. but then my mom said she'd come for the weekend and drive me back to pennsylvania, and that made me feel überloved. even if it was just by my mom. and that was how the week continued to go. i'd feel lonely to the point of invisibility, and then someone would reach out with human contact, and i would just explode with greatfulness and love.

like when i was feeling sorry for myself setting up my tent and jen introduces herself and says she's also camping alone and i can set up my tent as close as i want to hers. she introduces me to the group up the hill, and when i feel excluded from my friends, they invite me to play euchere. i don't know what was up with l. she was going through lots of personal trauma, and that consumed so much of her that she couldn't stand being near anyone who wasn't involved. she had been so friendly to me on the phone recently, but then at the festival she was so uncomfortable around me, like she didn't know why i was there and she wished i would leave so she could get back to her friends. at first, we made awkward conversation, where i felt like she wished i really wouldn't embarrass myself by talking, but she was kind enough to answer me politely. so i took her hint, and by the end of the week, not only was she not talking to me, she wouldn't even make eye contact with me.

for instance: in line behind her to lay out our tarps, and she won't notice me. her friend elaine recognizes me when i lay my little tablecloth next to their big group tarp and we chat, and l still won't look at me. hours later when we come back for the concert, i am mysteriously a few blankets away. and this is why it gets to me. cause i spend all this useless energy worrying: did l move my blanket farther away? is she really ignoring me, or am i just not being forward? did i say something to make her mad at me? is it something i did, or just who i am? it's perfectly reasonable for people to try and squeeze their blankets between ours. why do you think everyone's out to get you, caitlin? what is wrong with you that you made up this whole conspiracy theory?

i only have one example that's concrete, i feel. everything else is probably in my head. wednesday night i was excited to hear laura love, and had felt welcomed on their tarp by leah, so thought that would continue to be the rest of the week. but there was no sign of anyone i knew. finally i spied the third laura, and she told me rachel and leah had gone to camp trans for the night and she showed me where the smaller tarp was. she was soon overwhelmed by smoke, though, and left until erase errata. kasidy was on her way to bed for her early morning shift and she stopped by and kept me company for a while, which was super sweet. then she left and i was enjoying the begining of laura love alone (the 4th laura? there are so many of them) when l and the second laura came up, and looked at me like i was smoking in their car, and said, "oh. caitlin. hi. we're gonna go see our friends." and left. they came back later and sat down, and the second laura said to me, very sweetly and compassionately, "since we knew everyone wasn't going to be here tonight we just put down the small tarp. we invited our friends over, and there are like 10 of them, so you understand there won't be room for you here." ok, i said. so i pulled out my pink poncho and spread it right next to their tarp and sat on that. i left as soon as laura love was done.

but for every story i have of feeling invisible, exiled, or ignored, i have another one of the new friends i made, of people who are kind to me. the third laura, rachel's friend, who was sweet and would talk to me. or jenna, who would share her indian food and frozen rice treats with me, and talk about vegetables. my camping neighbors. the motor city pussys, whose hangout i passed everytime i took the woods path, and who always smiled and waved at me.

i stopped by the philly dykes campsite one morning, and was glared at or ignored until i could find a way to leave. rachel said she was going to crafts, so i went with her, and we had a lovely heart to heart. leah told me a few times she wanted to have a Deep and Meaningful conversation with me, but she never made it happen. leah was the only person who said hi and i'm glad you're here to my mom- no one else really gave me the oppertunity to be introduced. mom reintroduced herself to rachel... and of course, all my new friends all up and down the hill were excited, i'd talked up my mom all week. i was so glad to see her! my new friends were friendly, but one's mother HAS to love one.

but i learned that everyone's festival experience is different, and i should learn to have my own, instead of feeling sorry for myself that i'm not having the experience my friends enjoy. they like to stay up late and go party after the evening concert. i like to go to bed right after, so i can wake up in time for yoga, and breakfast, in the morning. i discovered the quilt, made with squares michfest women send in in the spring, then anyone who wants can quilt on it throughout the week and it's raffled off the last night. in the morning when i needed centering i went to yoga and in the evening when i needed centering i'd go to the over 40's tent, where i could quilt till my arms got sore.

i know leah and rachel read here, and i don't want my accout to villify them- their role at festival is certainly not to make sure i feel loved and welcomed all the time. i know what my friends go up against each other i always choose sides, so i know how it happens. and they certainly gave me indications that they like me and don't mind me hanging around as an aquaintance. while it's true, i do want everyone to like me, i don't expect, or even need to be everyone's best friend. and if anyone ever has to make a choice, i can be counted on to be independent, i mean fuck, that's always what turned up the top on my spiritual gifts tests.

so i guess another reason why i feel like it's ok to break my blogging rule is because i can't belive they care enough to get angry or hurt or notice me. is that petty? i just wonder how much of it is me and how much of it is them. i'd think it was all me, but then other people seemed willing to be my friend. (but maybe it's just that theory that i'm novel- cool to know at first, but i get old quickly and am somewhere between dull and outright cruel after that.) i was so lucky, cause if i would have been there all by myself, i would have been convinced myself that they are all pefectly normal, i'm making this all up. but when my mother came, i could say, "it's not just me, right? we passed them on the path and i waved and they avoided even making eye contact, right?"

i don't want it to come off like a poutfest. "my friends don't like me, they hurt my feelings, they should be nicer, wah!" or whatever. knowing that it was probably going to make even more trouble, that i was going to regret blogging about it, i decided i wouldn't- besides, my friends don't care about my boring life anyway. but then my friends, they did care. they even MISSED me. they even did things about it so i would get to hang with them soon. (thanks liz! thanks krista!) so if the masses ask for the jucy bits, how can i not oblige? also, i don't know how to move beyond it. they keep turning up in my dreams, these characters. ignoring me or dishearted to see me, and i have all this inner turmoil about what to do, how i should act, how i should treat them. it's obviously still not taken care of in my subconscious. so i'm writing to try and get my dreams back.

i'm not writing to try and control others actions, or say they should have done this or done that, or even to surmise what they felt. i can't speak to any of their experiences, all i'm trying to do is first, describe what happened, knowing full well it's highly colored by my perspective and probably quite biased. but my feelings are just that, mine. for me to write about in my blog when they are powerful. when at the very begining of it all i told ashley i was hurt by their choice to renege on their ride offer, she said, "i hope you understand, we didn't mean to hurt you, usw, usw, etc." yes, i can see their point of view, no i don't think they are in the least bit mean, just selfish. regardless of their intentions, i was hurt. whether it's "right" or "wrong" to feel that way, whether i'm letting myself be used or playing a victim, this was still how i felt, i had emotions and i am naming them: hurt.

ugh. that doesn't even cover pennsylvania. basically, i went to my cousin's wedding looking like this:
you can see how happy my dad and stepmother are about it in the background. my little sister, who always has good hair, says people thought i was just trying to get attention and take it away from the bride. which i dont' understand at all. who could compete with this?

but as for my stepbrother's wedding next weekend, my dad emailed me this:
"Caitlin I also have a favor to ask in that you tone down your appearance for the up coming wedding and rehersal dinner. I left you be "Caitlin" for Sarah & Jesse because they would have wanted it that way, but I'd feel better myself if you tone it down this time. It won't be my relatives, but 1/2 people who don't know me and others who would rather shoot me than say hello."

which i understand, i really do, the part that upsets me is 1.that my dad "left" me be dressed like that, insead of, i don't know, ripping off my eyelashes and sticking my head in in a sink. or sending me to my room until i changed. and 2. that no one thinks i know how to be a responsible person. i can't be trusted to dress appropriately. which perhaps i can't.
i had a conversation about it with my mom which made me feel better, and one with my little sister which made me feel worse, and she had some classic lines like:
Rainheads (12:45:04 AM): i talked with mom about it. she thinks my hair will be fine as long as i leave it down and parted.
narknon (12:45:19 AM): yeah I think so too
narknon (12:45:25 AM): maybe a longer dress too
Rainheads (12:45:46 AM): yeah, i have a black halter i'll wear to the wedding
narknon (12:46:39 AM): how long is it?

narknon (12:50:45 AM): I invited my friend nate to be my date to the wedding
narknon (12:50:52 AM): so I need to find out what is going on with that

narknon (1:10:12 AM): I think it is totally approbriate to express yourself
narknon (1:10:48 AM): however... everyone that i talked to at the wedding.. felt rather then expressing yourself you came off as trying to draw attention to yourself and therefore take attention away from teh bride
narknon (1:10:57 AM): which I know wasn't your attenion
Rainheads (1:13:32 AM): i see their side. i see how people who don't know me or don't know sarah and jesse could find my mohawk offensive.
narknon (1:14:01 AM): at a wedding ther ea re lots of people that don't know everyone

i feel like i should give out rewards for anyone who's read all of my whiney blathering this far. this has really been the blog to end all blogs. do you want dirt? i have some really high quality vermicompost d and i sorted from my bin last night. if you're looking for some high quality nutrient rich dirt, i can hook you up. my grandma also made me special k bars. i might share those, too.


home again

back to the grind, with a little more loneliness and a little more family. a little less paycheck and a few more bottles in my refrigerator. the thought of blogging about my vacation overwhelms me. as it was happening i was imagining blogging about it and i had no idea what i'd say. and i still don't. so i'll just start now. (if you want to know more, by all means ask me.)

i went to work today. got my schedule worked out so i can go to my stepbrother's wedding. so i'll be back in pa for labor day weekend but will miss chicago square dance fly in. my cat misses me. i'll go pet her. she likes that.



it's been too hot to have the computer on, so i've been listening to old records- joni, carole king. and currently my bathroom book is (still) sapho was a right on woman and i just started reading the 1973 edition of our bodies, ourselves, which is awesome and fabulous. it makes me proud of how far women have come, but makes me wish i had a movement i could join up with, conciousness raising groups i could go to. it's nice to know things didn't go all down hill after the 1960s. it was diferent kinds of change and excitement, but still, bandwagons i'm ready to hop on.

i feel like it's good preparation for the woods of michigan. feeling powerful, old fashioned, feministy. was worried a little about my mom being around the weekend, but after i saw this picture on her photostream, i don't think i have anything to worry about:

go amazons!

so this will be my last post for awhile. hopefully i've said SOMETHING interesting enough in the past 2 days that someone will comment on one or two of them and make me feel loved when i return to society and civilizatiton.

she's so blue...

dear germans,
what do you want from america? i want german tampons. i want, to be precice, o.b.leichte tage comfort tampons. the blue ones. they're perfect. i mix an match a box of american pink ones and a box of german blue ones and i'm good to go. except- 2.5 years after my last german stockkpiling i'm running low. and i've been trolling the internet trying to find an acceptable u.s. substitute. and, well, there's good news and bad news.

the bad news is there is nothing that looks similar and easily accessable.

the good news is, it looks like they've discontinued the stupid nasty silk ease in favor of something pro-comfort. i am FACINATED by what this says about the influence of america. once you bring the product here, just comfort isn't good enough. it has to be PRO. and then there's the size comparison. america's all clinical about it, giving absorbency in grams. in german, they just have little raindrops. but the names! the smallest ones in both contries are pink. but in germany they're called minis, and in america, they're regular. the next size up in germany are the ones i like, the light days. in america the next ones are super. no way do i need SUPER. or maybe that's the german influence, because the next two sizes in germany are normal and super, then there's also a super plus. you may wonder what america has after it's super. it goes super plus and then ultra. only in america do we have the ultratampon!

so what do you think? do germans bleed more than americans, that their light days are our super days? or do you think we have taken super sizing to such an exreme that we can't even talk about TAMPONS in rational terms?

if i was mimi smartypants, i would sign off here in a clever way referencing the vanity sizing of everything an american woman wears.


if i was the sort of person who put up away mesages with the clever things people had imed me, this would totally be today's.

ccbanana KaFoomp (7:31:57 PM): I'm sorry that bloglines is such a cocktease.

the rest of san francisco

so i never told you how after my last san fran post, g and i went to haight ashbury, and saw the homeless junkies and bought cds and amoeba records, and stood in line athe the ben and jerry's at that famous intersection. but we really needed real food, so we went to herbavore, a lovely little vegan place in her old neighborhood. we went to a vintage kitchenware store, which was amazing, and we went to see the painted ladies, the houses from full house. then we went to her fave bar/ art gallery, where they infuse there own vodka. rock on! we were gonna listen to sex with emily when we got home, and our new cds, but we ended up showing each other our fave music videos on youtube and i made a necklace for d. sunday was my last day, and we walked through chinatown. i decided i needed a new suitcase to drag home all my books i bought! we went to telegraph hill and hiked up to the coer tower. we saw alcatraz! on the way back down, we took the trolley and went back to chinatown to grab my new suitcase. on the way we stopped by h&m and bought me a dress to wear to my cousin's wedding. loaded with all of these things, we returned to her apartment to repack and say goodbye. then i took bart to the airport, and had an uneventful flight home!

just so you know...

y'all aren't the only people i've been shafting. i wrote ruth an email when i was all sad and broken up with d, and she sent me this fabulous response:

"i don´t have to tell you how great and interesting and smart and clever and funny and talented and beautiful and weetzie-like and pretty and pink-purplish and tiny-little-toes and gado-gado and rhetorically talented and creative and skilled and crafty and cool and incredible and unglaublich and suprising and mystic and mysterious and sexy and witty and outstanding and special and spectaculour and sweet and cute and adorable you are.

because you ARE great and interesting and smart and clever and funny and talented and beautiful and weetzie-like and pretty and pink-purplish and tiny-little-toes and gado-gado and rhetorically talented and creative and skilled and crafty and cool and incredible and unglaublich and suprising and mystic and mysterious and sexy and witty and outstanding and special and spectaculour and sweet and cute and adorable."

and that kind of love's so big it needs to be shared. so here it is, blog. be impressed. wish you had friends like that.



i know i've been gone a long time. it's been busy, the gf's been over. blah blah blah. and it's too hot to have the computer on. i've been sewing sewing sewing- have to get eveything done before the weekend. so they can pay me for it all. sigh. i have my camping list all ready for the festival- packing is on my list for today. actually, today i have to:

- glue bowling bags
- clean house
- make slip cover cusion
- write emails
- pack for fest

also, random things like pay rent, go to the library, and try to find shoes to wear to my cousin's wedding.

will TRY and be more faithful the next few days. while i'm still near a computer. did i tell you all i have a new ride? i'm very excited about ti.