multiblog

see, the problem is big things happen really fast, then i feel like i can't blog until i've caught up and i just get farther and farther behind. i had a job interview on saturday which i didn't really blog about because i go to lots of job interviews and only some of them pan out into jobs and many of those jobs aren't interesting enough or come and go fast enough to blog about. but this job was for a more permanent perpetual position at a coture drapery house- and they were really behind and wanted me to work that afternoon. so i put in my first day the same day i had my interview. whew! i worked there again today and i spent the day thinking about what pet name i should give it, since pesky mac always thinks up clever names for her coworkers and employers and i sorta like curtains-r-us, cause it sounds so cheap and chinzy and gramatically incorrect, and these are fancy drapes with handsewn weights in the ends and all. i mean, they can afford to hire me, they must charge a pretty penny.

the second entry was going to be about weather. cause i'm sick of winter in chicago. and you know, i LOVE winter. i live here cause it snows. cause it gives me a chance to wear sweaters. extremes are exciting. but it's been cold for a while now. i'm ready for a change. i like newness. and 50 degree weather was predicted for this week, but boy did it take a long time coming. and the weather on our POS system at the flowershop is wrong and has predicted 20s and freezing rain and stuff all week. but today it finally happened! ch wanted to go for a drink after work and so i said i'd meet him, and i walked the mile or so to meet him and i passed a thermometer clock which said 60!!!! i walked under the train tracks while a train rushed overhead and it was sunny and pearl was playing amy correia's life is beautiful and my soul was filled with joy. and then i went and bought shoes.

it was pretty nostalgic actually, cause when i first started working for ch, the first concert he took me to was kristin hersh at schubas, and when i got to belmont early to meet them i went to something old something new to kill time and i ended up buying doc marten fisherman sandals supercheap. i don't think i've been in since then, but they still have their killer designer shoe specials.

i got steve maddens sorta like this, only without the strap:
"img src="http://www.6pm.com/images/727/7276496/4974-325460-d.jpg">
and i got doc martens, too:

no, i did not need two pairs of shoes. but the kids shoes there are DIRT cheap. $10.88 for both pairs! that's like, $2.50 per shoe!

so those are the 4 blog entries you get before the one i want to post, which is telling you how after a few drinks ch really hurt my feelings. i was talking about how exciting my new job is, cause i love meeting new people since everyone in chicago keeps moving away. and he said that it was sorta my choice, and i said, like i should make friends with less transient people?, and he said no, like people leaving me is just this PERCEPTION of myself i have, and i think the idea of being left is this romantic notion.

it was really a shock, like a punch to the stomach, and i didn't know what to do. i trust him and his opinions, and no one can make a valid self-assesment, only those on the outside can see one's life as it truely is. but i hate to think i'm that sort of person, wailing away on the moors of chicago about how lonely i am because all my friends keep leaving me. i like to think i state it more as facts: i have transient friends, it's good to have friends all over the world, but i need to not hole up and feel sorry for myself but keep making new friends so i know people who live in the same city as me. but maybe that's just a bronte novel with a nancy-katzen-raised cloyingly optimistic spin on it. and it's all just self-fullfilling. people don't want to be friends with whiny people who just feel sorry for themselves. so if i am that person, i'm not going to make friends, and if i am that person and don't think i am, i'm not going to be able to figure out why.

at the time, i just stammered well, i guess its just perception, and ate my food and sat in silence until he brought up a new topic. why did i make that choice? i guess it was the surprise, surprise that he could say something that would hurt so badly. now i have such 'esprit de l'escalier i have to blog about it, which only makes it worse. why couldn't i have argued with him then, described my hurt, made him explain his perspective until if i didn't agree with it i understood it? instead i just retreated and avoided, and now i'm lashing out by blogging about it. and then he'll read it, because he only reads my blog when i write about him, and then it will be the whole issue of me writing mean things about my friends on the internet again, because this is a CONSTANT problem with me, it seems, and hmmm, perhaps this is a cause of the whole friend problem to begin with??!?!

it's that instant fight-or-flight reaction. i remember in the moment when he was talking about it, i wanted to protect myself, i wanted it to be over. anything i said wasn't with the intention of understanding him or reasoning, it was trying to make it be over as soon as possible. yet it lingers, which is why i feel compelled to blog about it, knowing it isn't the right thing to do- because i can't get it off my mind or cheer myself up again.

ok, i'm exaggerating. i feel a lot more cheered writing about it. i feel even more cheered after linking the wikipedia entry for l'esprit de l'escalier -which i googled because blogger doesn't spell check on macs, because i never know how to spell things in french- and i found out it's a german expression too! Treppenwitz! isn't that so much better? and easier to spell! sadly, what i felt wasn't even treppenwitz. you need some "Witz" for it to count. i feel more like i want another try in general, rather than i have something clever to say now.

free!

and on vacation! oh, the weekend feels so wonderful! there was SUN today! actual sun BEAMS coming in through my windows onto my bed! which i stayed curled up in! it made me feel full of exclamation marks! i read and read! and ate granola bars! and talked to a! and stayed in bed!
then ch called, and invited me over, so i took a shower and crawed into sweats and went to his house for sunbeams and peppermint tea and cookies and chocolates and video games! and then hugo didn't have rehersal so he came over too!
and then i came home and i finished spinning my yarn! and then i blocked it!

but now it is late. and dark. and i stayed up too late wasting time on the internet. trying to get an overdue credit card payment made. not uploading pictures. not making a laundry bag or reading my book. oh well. there is only so much one can get done.

in the bleak midwinter

oh, this weekend! it's been so lovely. d and i went to christkindlmarkt after work on friday, and ate potato pancakes and drank glüwein, and bought zimtsterne, and were careful not to break any glass ornaments, and had a lovely seasonal time.

saturday we woke up to snow! d had to go to her square dance class, but i watched it fall, and blow, and OH! how cozy it was! in the little window above my sewing machine. i sewed bags and listened to cindi lauper (holiday) station on pandora and then bundled up and tromped around in it to meet d to buy yarn for her xmas gifts. when we came home, she made the perfect supper. i had found mache,my favorite lettuce, at wholefoods, so she made mache beet salad with goat cheese, and a root vegetable soup, with lentils (which i know are a legume, not a root vegetable, but are hearty just the same) and parsnips and celeriac and carrots and shallots. and there was wine and candles, and over the rhine's snow angels album, and i didn't know it could get more cozy, but that there was coziness maxed out. i feel like my winter asignment of being seasonal and celebrating holidays happened.

today was more bags, and i sent out party invitations. come party with us december 14th! leave a comment if you want an ivitation.

slow summer

it's been that feeling recently. i know when we start shooting, my life will explode, but right now i'm reveling in the pleasure it gives me. ch keeps talking about how other unimployed friends of ours need to get jobs for their mental health or money or whatever, and i keep counting myself in with them, because i feel like i don't have a job. i DO, but i don't FEEL like i'm working. i DID set my alarm yesterday morning. but for 10. so i wouldn't accidentally miss liz. we met at metropolis artisian coffee roasters. i walked there. in my sundress. with my rice bag. i sat outside at a table under an umbrella. i drank fruity herbal iced tea and ate a spinach feta pie for breakfast. liz brought scrabble, a deluxe edition with real wooden tiles and church pews. she didn't beat me by very much. we were both over 250. i had some good words- vim, ovoid, fife (using both fs already in place) she had some really wonderful ones- qualm, quiet (using the q in both directions), exhude. it was nice.

i came home, and practiced the fiddle. i've been trying to write down at least 1/2 a fiddle tune per practice session (and trying to practice at least every other day) because i hate listening to the tapes and playing by ear. it's much easier for me to read music. and it makes me feel really talented and musical to be able to go the other way, to take something i can play and write it down. i don't know if i'd take fiddle lessons again, beacause they didn't harp on me about posture or fingering or holding the bow write or anything, it was more about teaching tunes. i would want to take violin lessons so i can do it right. cause i can learn tunes on my own- that's my theory. to prove that, i'm learning one of my favourite irish tunes, i know it from nightengale's cd. i was SHOCKED, simply SHOCKED (did i blog about this already?) to realize while listening to it on my ipod one day that i can distinguish the A and B parts- i can hear the structure of fiddle tunes now aabb, aabb, change tunes, same pattern. so i guess that is one good thing fiddle lessons did for me. it's hard, learning from the mp3, listening to the same measure over and over again, trying to pick it out. but the tune is really familar and i've been taking it one measure at a time, and if i don't have it, i have somethign really close. i got the last bit of the b part today. i'm really really proud of myself. i want to play it for my mother.

after practicing the violin, i make lunch- boiled whole wheat pasta, chopped up the last of my fresh picks arugula, a tomato and some garlic, and mixed it all together with parmesan. i don't LIKE arugula, but i really don't HATE it either. it tasted good in this. after that, i started sewing. actually cutting. i got all the tube tops cut out, and the kimono sleeves. it was easy to do while listening to this american life. 81 words. good, good episode. it aired on mother's day and ch and i were trying to listen to it, but it kept buffering, so after i heard the podcast, i burnt a cd for ch so he can listen too. that evening, i took my chains and went upstairs to knock on my 3rd floor neighbor's door. he was home and let me climb out onto his balcony and hang chains for my plants. i was out of bagles and needed to go to the grocery store, and so i bought the aforementioned cherries and stuff, and talked to d, and ch, and a. i watered the garden, listened to pandora, serged my rectangles. i googled all the people in my crossword puzzle (i am so culturally illerate) and used the crossword dictionary for the ones i couldn't get. i cleared my hot spots, scooped the cat box, did the dishes. had a small bowl of ice cream. climbed into bed with my book. it really doesnt' get any better than this. i know it's the spring talking, that i feel this way every year, but i am so happy and greatful when it comes. i think being a perpetually sad person makes me really love and appreciate the joyous times. like i have a fear someday i will say boo hoo i'm always sad and miserable i never feel good. but i can always say, no, here are days, weeks at a time, when you were so happy you wanted to jump out of your skin, you were living a life you would be jelous of if anyone else were living it.

ok, there could be a LITTLE more joy in my life. if i could get this chair to stop smelling like smoke, my joy would have no end.

scented world

this weekend: magic. lilacs bloomed, suddenly, bursts of purple across chicago, on what were once merely newly green bushes. walking to work this morning i walked under a glowing pink tree, some sort of flowering branch dripped a delicate rain of petals when the wind blew. ch bought an herb hanging basket from our wholesalers last year, and loved it. he got it again this year, but alas he has no outside space. so i brought it home, and hung it from my balcony. chewing delicately on leaves. it has lemon thyme, lemon balm, peppermint, pineapple mint, and lavender. it is green and sweet smelling and fills me with joy, like the rest of chicago these beautiful days.

going public

so one of the really wierd things about the nice weather this weekend is with the windows and the balcony doors open, it's practically like you're outside. the windows across the way used to reveal an apartment being remodeled, but recently people have moved in, which is kind of a bummer as i can watch their tv. (but last time i tried it was basketball and who wants to watch that?) last night d and i were, ahem, ripping each other's clothes off, wondering if there were people in the rooms across the way with the lights on, but not caring enough to shut the shades and block that lovely breeze. also, the noise- anyone who walks up the path in front of my block of apartments sounds like they're in the room with you. we heard a couple of cell phone conversations, someone getting buzzed in, and a whole bunch of drunk partygoers returning home. afterwards i said to d something like, "i hope luke figures out where to get the pizza." and she said to me, "that's probably as close as we'll ever come to having sex in public."

weather warning

anyone who is inside blogging on a weekend when it's 80 degrees out, and bright and sunny, well, there's just something wrong with them.

icky

feeling emotionally icky. just kind of sludgy. bad auras around, or something. not sure what's up. it's been warm and rainy in chicago, which has been delightful- but also as brought on the springtime insomnia. i keep thinking it's friday, when it's really not. i still like my pink hair, but i'm sort of tired of it as a fashion statement- you know, like wearing the same pair of jeans everyday. my hair's just so bold, i'm used to being able to change more. it doesn't match everything, you know. things are wierd with the gf. i can't even think about anything to do with her right now, though, because she's dealing with her ex, and mention of her ex makes me start screaming and sweating and throwing things. and that woudn't do any good and it would scare the cat.

it does, however, make me apologetic about all the things i've ever said about g's bf. he's got some good qualities- same can't be said for d's ex.

see? i'm doing it again. how'd i get stuck on this topic? anyway, it doesn't matter much because everyone's annoying me these days. ch invited joe out after work today, then when he couldn't come invited me. then he invited jim, who i'm not all that fond of, but when he showed up so drunk he couldn't walk straight, i thought it was my time to go home and cook dinner.

cauliflower paprikash. standard. yummy.

this week's fiddle tune is impossible. there are no breaks or breaths anywhere. i don't think i could have learned it in class, but it seems all the more futile having missed the lesson. all i really want is the sheet music for it. i may just write it out myself in an attempt to get all the notes right. this learning by ear thing, i just can't pull it off.

wenesday

stiched and stitched and stitched and stiched and stitched today for spectacle. wednesdays are so long. i'm very tired, and my back hurts from being hunched over athena (our industrial) all day. at least i got to press a little, mark a little, sew a lot. all christopher did, all day, was serge. and he's still not done. who designed these 7 tiered costumes, anyway?

i got a plesant surprise though, when the driver from the flowershop showed up. d had charles make me up a funky vase of my fave flower (aggapanthus) for our half year anniversary tomorrow. it's always awesome to recieve flowers, but i don't get the opertunity much, because i work at a flowershop.

it was a beautiful morning here in chicago, the past few days have been UNSEASONABLY warm. but it started to cool down afternoon. and then drizzle. and then pour freezing rain while i was walking home from the train. in my little leather socks and jean jacket. brrrrrr.

when i got home, the coziness i was hoping for wasn't instantly felt, because i'd left my window open. and then the cat had knocked a plant off. and the pot broke. and dirt is everywhere, and i'm too tired to deal with it tonight, i'll clean it up tomorrow. and my kitchen lightswitch doesn't work, so i moved the lamp into the kitchen. the plug part works, but not the lightswitch.

yesterday when cleaning out the bathroom closet i remembered my tablecloth fetish, and decided i needed to start using them again. so i put my sarong on the kitchen table, and it goes really nicely with the aggapanthus. the warm lighting from the lamp made the kitchen very cozy, and i was starting to get the feeling i was looking for. but d called while i was eating dinner. she was full of pissed off stories of her kid and her ex. so often these are things we talk about in terms of me "handling it." like i'm "handling it" now, but maybe won't be able to in the future. i'm so curious- will i know when i "can't handle it anymore"? what happens if i don't notice it? or is that what makes the point of "can't handle it anymore", the point when i notice it? then what do i do? what does "can't handle it anymore" look like? and what if i pretend to handle what i can't handle anymore, because what i REALLY can't handle is dealing with not being able to handle the things i can't handle anymore? i dont' even know where to put quotes around that one.

post square dancing

so as usual, posting after square dancing. however, a short post. because i should be in bed NOW. because i have to WORK tomorrow. what a surprise. my body's not used to it. first, however, i'm going to take a hot bath. it's very very cold in chicago. i was waiting on the train platform in my warmest-es last night on my way to d's, and i realized how unvegan i am from head to toe- vintage fur hat, wool scarf, wool felt coat, sheepskin mittens, silk long johns, wool socks, leather shoes. whatever, i love animal fibers. eating vegan= makes sense. dressing veagan doesn't seem in line with trying to live closer to the earth for me. after all, what are sheep FOR?

but it was only 0F last night. and it should be 20F by thursday. and NEXT friday we'll get above freezing, 34F. so see, the cold spell isn't so bad.

typisch chicago

it's so cold here today. i'm currently wearing:

handknit socks
silk long underwear
thermal long underwear
bluejeans
undershirt
long sleeved t shirt
sweatshirt
bulky aran wool sweater

and i'm still cold. maybe it's cause i HAVEN"T MOVED today. stayed in bed finishing my book, then signed online, and didn't really move. started collaging some valentines. want one? you have to leave a comment....

uploaded pictures and wasted lots of time on flickr. will post them here soon. first i need to feel like i've acomplished something today....

bed... and historical dreaming

am supposed to be sewing today. there is a huge list of fabric oriented things that need to be done- but i feel i've worked too hard already to not blog. last night made some spectacular dinner- will post pics of that, as well as photography lesson 2, soon. my house has been cold- the radiator in my main room is only heating on one coil. which makes some things hard- i can't sit in front of my computer and just veg- i need to keep moving or my fingers freeze. but there are other simply delightful things about it. i pulled out my second duvet and am sleeping like the swedish. honestly, how cold to people keep their houses in sweden? ikea calls my duvet a 4 season duvet- you use the thin one in the summer, the thick one in the fall and spring, and both in the winter. but in chicago, that's always way too hot. i use the thick one in the winter, the thin one in the fall and spring, and just the tiniest corner of it over my belly in the summertime. summertime is never a fun time to sleep. my feet are always cold, but it's too hot to heat up a water bottle- that is uncomfortable and rediculous. but when your radiator is broken, oh.... crawling naked under my double duvet and sticking my feet on the cuddly tigerente waterbottle cover is heavenly. it's just so thick and fluffy, the 9" of down or whatever. natural fibers are amazing. i don't care what the vegans say. but boy is it cold to crawl out from under there in the morning!

luke came by last night to bleed my radiator and try and make it work. and it is better- bout 1/3 of the coils work now. while we were waiting for it to heat up we were looking at my other ones, and i showed him the beautiful wraught stuff on the one in the kitchen- i will take photographs, soon. and he was all, wow, that must be one of the original radiators! this building was built in 1906, it just had it's hundreth birthday. he told me hannah greg's apt upstairs is one of the 2 left that still have the original woodwork. mine is sadly all painted, a gagillion times. i was jealous and wanted to move upstairs, but luke told me to just keep my month to month lease, because he's currently asking $100 more a month than what i'm paying now. that's ALOT of money! but really, the place is worth that. but i couldn't afford that.

and now, having this talk, curled up under my duvet, i keep having these grand historical musings, imagining me living here in 1910, when the building was 4 years old instead of 100. how at the end of the day at work at the flower shop i'd climb the stairs to the elevated train stop at quincy, and browse the advertisements for fancy hats or new bungalows until the train comes. and i'd get off in my cozy tree-lined suburb, and when i got home the gas lamp above the door would be lit. i'd open my shiny brass mailbox with it's tiny key and maybe there'd be a check from my mother or a postcard from my grandma, appalled i'd want to live in the city, esp. with all the news of fires she keeps hearing. i'd be all, grandma, the big one was 25 years ago. i'd put my wet mittens on the radiator in the hallway, perhaps, or if it wasn't wet just inside the hall closet, with it's giant mirror- such an extravagance. i'd take off my bustle and put on a day dress. i'd put a teapot on my big potbellied stove and make myself a cup of tea. maybe i'd have the day off in 1910, just like 2007. maybe i'd take a trolley downtown, cause the trains are running so slow. maybe instead of going to a branch i'd go to the main library, right on michigan and randolph, and shiver a little at the grandness of the mosaic-ed writers up in the dome. or maybe i'd do like today, and walk down to the fabric store on broadway, then come back and sew while there's still so much light coming in through the window above my sewing machine in the closet. such hard work hidden behind doors i can barely imagine, those french doors all heavy dark wood, the mirrored panes clear and new.

can you see how i've gotten a little carried away with this? i keep trying to figure out who lucille was. i think she was the owners wife, and she died of cholera during construction. he loved her very much, but she was a wild independent thing like me, and that's why her husband did something as crazy as giving a lease to a single woman. it's interesting- i know historically there's so much less middle class, people are either extravagantly rich or barely surviving. i tend to imagine myself historically as, like, a factory worker chained to my machine. but maybe i could make good enough money for a roof as extravagant as this one sewing back then- it reminds me of a facinating set of pie graphs i saw in the newspaper a while back- comparing family expenses at the turn of each century. now, a third of one's income goes to housing. then, housing was barely a sixth, but like 50 percent went to clothing, and a huge other portion went to food.

so that's what i'm musing on as i'm sewing today. maybe i'll put on my hoop skirt and play pretend around the house. what are you contemplating today?

stress, drama, sewing, etc

i think you all should take your whining and STUFF IT!

because it's snowing here in chicago, and it's BEAUTIFUL! it is cold and crisp and the light is bright and diffused. i got out the christmas music today, and my fur hat, and my advent calander. and i am surrounded by depressed, paniced, or grouchy people. i wish i wasn't so empathetic, because i've been having a WONDERFUL day, and it's been taking everything i have not to let them all ruin it.

welcome to december, everyone. i'm gonna go sew some bags now.

bloody cold!

it was just frigid out today. i was worried because i was going to wear my pink wool sweater with the big cowl neckline, and it didn't overheat me at all. it also didn't do much to hide my neck, but that's ok because i wore my scarf most of the day. i went to the spectacle space and met my real boss, and filled out all my payroll paperwork, so if i ever get my times set i'll be able to get paid for the time i work there. i went to the city clerk's office and got some parking passes for my neighborhood- so i can either have one friend over for 15 days, 15 friends over for 24hrs, or any combination of the 2. now deb will be able to park on my street this weekend.

deb. i think she'll be officially changed to d. we had the girlfriend chat last night, so i guess that's what she is. i don't know. i'm having such fun, definately falling into pink room land, but i still have some major reservations that i am trying to ignore. i wish i was stupider, and believed i could change people. then i could mold her into the ideal girlfriend and everything would be perfect. as for now, she's pretty cool. we talked for a while on the phone today (her driving, me curled up like a cat on the kitchen radiator) and then decided to have sushi at the indie cafe while her son was at youth group again this week. it seems to be becoming our spot. anyway, we're spending the weekend together, having ch and hugo over for dinner, etc. should be fun times. still need to get these bags done, however. there's one particular curvy one that's thrown me for a few loops, and is really draging down my process. hopefully it will go faster now that one's patterend and sewn.

Knutschfleck

today's german vocab word....

so after school yesterday deb came over and we fooled around until it was time to pick up jr. we went to the grocery store, bought sugar, and then went to her place to peel and chop lots of apples for applesauce! it was quite good. i spent the night, and then woke up this morrning looking like this....

i felt like i was in high school. how embarrassing. and i didn't have a good shirt to cover them up with. trouble! ch had the best response, "they always seem like a good idea at the time." joe came by and taught me the german word for them- knutschfleck. which really does have better onomopia, and just sounds so much nicer than hickey.

had to have an even lower neckline at circus class, of course. we did these really annoying things called poi, wich are sandbags on strings with tails. it's basically chain flags- nothing new or interesting there. then we did all sorts of stuff on knotted silk. it's not REAL silk work, which is much too hard for beginners, but it was lots of fun and empowering.

i just had applesauce for dinner, though, and i'm starving. and freezing- it just got SOOO cold in chicago. i don't think my tomatoes are going to make it. am crushing on deb pretty badly right now- would like to cuddle. but we're spending the weekend together, so that will be nice.

hobbitish

went to work yesterday, square dancing last night. the weather's been just lovely here, i've been getting in my last wears of the sundresses, which you know i've been waiting for. wore the tie-died one to square dancing last night, cause it has a pretty swishy skirt. i always wear a swishy skirt for any kind of folk dancing, i can't really understand how i am the ONLY one of our whole group who does. saw ashley for the first time in ages- since july sometime- she came down to pick up a co-worker's plant. of course i was wearing my swishy sundress, so she still hasn't seen my new butch look! anyway, as we were dancing, i started to see lightning through the stained glass. soon there was thunder, and we ended up dancing while a huge thunderstorm raged outside. unfortunately, it was still raining when the dance was over, and i wasn't prepared for rain. ch shared his umbrella- pretty useless- till clark street, where i saw my bus. i ran to get on, to learn she was out of service, but the driver let me wait inside until the next one came by. sigh. it took a while, while i watched it pour and pour and pour. had to chase after the next bus when i came- luckily it stopped in the middle of the intersection for me. then i had the 4 block walk home... luckily it was a warm rain. you just have to accept your wetness, and know you will be home soon, and it's fine. i was drenched through when i got home, walked right into the bathtub to take off my jacket and shoes and everything else. my socks and shoes are still wet this morning. ew. i dried off and put on pjs and made tea (ruth's erdbeer-cream rooibus) and got a bowl of chocolate covered digestive biscuts and curled up in my pillowfilled wicker chair and curled up with my quilt and finished my novel (meg cabot's avalon high, highly recomended). i told ch today my storm stories, and he said i sounded like a hobbit. which was exactly how i felt.

now i'm going to stop wasting time online and am going to go downtown and finish the grace kelly dress. whoot!