secret photos

so joe and i are talking about sarah waters, and joe says he met her on her last book tour and says i'll probably look like her in 20 years. so i did a google image search for her to see if it was a complement, insult, or crazyness. then there was a picture that linked me to alison bechtel's flickr site, so of course i was brousing her photostream, and look what i found:

i'm chasing after the tattoo girl. creepy, huh?


blogger in beta

so i switched the ole blog over. so i can can have catagories now. am going to work on updating the template, but you know i'm too lazy to keep all my changes. so i'll be under construction here for a little bit.

have really done pretty much nothing since last blogging. went to bed, went to work. ch and i are working on a wedding- tomorrow we have both a fundraising event and a wedding we're designing. the wedding's beautiful. the bride's superfunky, andd her wedding colors are white with pink and orange polka dots. which was fun and all, but it was one of those, i can't leave the shop till i've completed the 10 boutonnieres, the 3 wrist corsages, and the 3 pin on corsages. ch and i went out for dinner afterwards. i still need to roast those silly veggies. i better do that tonght, so i have something to eat for lunch tomorrow. tomorrow will be a full day of work. sigh. and then there's the grace kelly dress.

i miss deb. unfortunately i seem to have given up household chores in favor of seeing her. i have SO MANY packages to get out. it's just terrible. someday, someday.


movies, etc

tuesday night ch and i saw science of sleep at piper's alley, he had preview passes. last night after circus school i embroidered and watched fingersmith. and then tonight ch and i went to see matador, the last almodovar of viva pedro. i'm so sorry i didn't see law of desire with mom. i guess the birthday feast was more important though. so i am feeling full of movies.

i went to the costume shop today to finish the dress, or at least the bodice. didn't get nearly what i wanted to done. however, i do have the pleats in, and i guess that's what's most important. the needle board's amazing, keeps that velvet standing up straighter than my hair. i'm a little frightened of the velvet. anyway, i'm about ready for this project to be done.

not sore from circus class this week, but have my first circus bruise. we did stiltwalking, which was nice to finally be able to DO something, and our arial activity was the lyra, which is the big steel hulahoop hanign from a rope. i couldn't get my leg situated so it didn't pinch through my too-thin pants. i'm getting braver off the ground, and i had most of the muscles needed for the moves, but i just couldn't stay up with the one knee. so now i have my purple marks on the back of my right knee- they hurt a lot. i'm facinated by how i so rarely bruise. my mother gets these big purple swells, but i have sore spots that no one notices. i guess it's like my invisible sunburn. you would think someone as pale as me would show such things more.


lets clear this up right now...

i LOVE the cardigans. i want to get a tattoo of a cardigan, i love them so much. i love the sweaters, i love the band, i love them all. sure, when love fool came out i didn't notice they were worth obsessing over, but now that i have been properly introduced, i am all adoration.

i'm an angel, bored like hell, and your the devil meaning well.

the comfort of fireflies, long gone before daylight.

i need fine wine, and you, you need to be nicer.

long live the cardigans! listen to their music! buy their albums! the bonus tracks are worth it, even if you've already downloaded it!


too much to recap.

for my birthday we had a big peach and bagles for breakfast.
read the sunday comics.
watched kissing jessica stein as i embroidered.
tried to go to blue elephant for lunch, but it seems to be closed down.
found the indie cafe, a little thai and japanese place instead.
went sacred harp singing.
went to t's. christopher and david and deb came out too. pictures on flickr. thanks mom with the digital.

went to work. came home. ate tomato curry. went to square dancing. had lots of fun- it keeps getting better. then, took the bus SOUTH instead of north. to deb's house. we cuddled on her couch and shared secrets and it was good. then we went to bed and it was GREAT. then we woke up this morning, and it was early. and her son was already up. so she told me to get dressed and be very very quiet. she told me to get all ready, then sent him to wash his face while i snuck out. i felt very dirty. i had to pee the whole way home. it was so odd, it being so early, rush hour in the wrong direction. bus was full of highschool students, so much shouting, so much laughter. last night's underwear in my rucksack, sure sign of the morning after. (yes, j, that was just for you) it was a nasty feeling (after such a nice night) but it makes for a fabulous story.

so i came home, took a nap, embroidered and listened to podcasts. went to see the science of sleep with ch- very wierd. now i'm typing to you. more stories tomorrow.



so i still don't have time to post, but there is mom's digital camera. so if a pic is worth 1000 words here are some for you... more at flickr of course!

that mom, she adores taking pics of the cat.

hard at work:

ch and i on the town:

and my bday party at ch's:



with nancy katzen here, can't really blog. but i can drop hints-
we made a fabulous meal last night (cauliflower cheese pie, a salad with beets and feta, and chocolate pudding) work today and then mom met ch and i for a brief tour of the cultural center and margariatas and tapas at barro.

tomorrow mom and i are going back to the cultural center... and meeting deb!

now, what do you all think of the chain wallet? think it's hip and funky? don't care, like ch? or are appalled, like mom?


plans, etc

so i had such big plans for yesterday. sew bags all morning, meet lauren for scrabble, meet liz for dinner and margaritas, and then the girlyman concert! but i was moving slow, and worried about the bags. and then the bag lady called, and i promised her them on thursday, so now there's a deadline... then lauren calls to say her interview is running long and she won't be able to meet me, then liz calls and is going though trauma and won't be able to meet me, and so i just keep a'sewin' the bags! i'm not quite caught up, but i have faith now it will all get done. which i didn't have yesterday morning. i still am due about 2 more panic atacks about the rear window dress, though.

so i ended up going to hear girlyman myself. it was freakin' COLD here in chicago- i was glad i hadn't left the house all day. it was kind of my first day of the butch-winter look: docs, jeans, long sleeve t under short-sleeved tee, hoodie, jean jacket... except i was wearing a magenta t under my light pink my little pony t, which is not a stunningly masculine choice. anyway, you know how absolutely phenominal girlyman was last time, so you can just imagine what it was like now that i know and am in love with their most recent album! being short and alone, i was all the way at the front, and with schubas being so small i was pretty much drooling on ty's feet- i could count the flames on her phoenix tattoo. they played all sorts of new stuff, which sounds awesome- i am so excited for a new girlyman album! i recognized 2 of the 3 or 4 old songs they played from pandora- thanks pandora! and they did great covers. i mean, i think i would love any girlman cover, but these were particularly awesome because i knew them, before they had been split into three part harmony. in the set they played paul simon's born at the right time by request (for jamie- welcome home!) and the encores were all through the night of cyndi lauper fame (for ch) and preacher man (which we'll give to ruth). ah, lovely.

walking home i stopped into my piercing parlor, where olivia checked out my bumps. she says a daily sea salt soak should get rid of that in the next 3 weeks or so, or else come back. so hopefully that will work. i've had these piercings for 10 months now- i want to put my new jewelry in! or at least talk on the phone with that ear!

today was SLOW again at work. this whole week's been awful- i don't know what's up. the first half of the month was just fine, but now it's starting to drag. makes me sad. and ch tense. never good.

after work, of course, was circus school! after the tumbling today, we were on the unicycles! unfortunately, sean wasn't there, and i don't know if he could have explained it better than his substitute, but i was horrid at it. i don't undertand the feeling of balance, and i couldn't stay on while hanging on to someone. after that was trapeeze- this one higher off the ground- eight feet or so. once hanging from it, we swung our feet up, and hung upside down from our knees. then we wrapped one foot around the rope and hung face down by one foot and one hand, then flipped over and hung face up by a foot and a hand. then we figured out how to safely get down from there! i was so pleased to be strong enough to swing my feet up- but hanging upside down from my knees was another matter! so very scary! the instructor said to me, point your toes! i'm like, i thought they were pointed! she said, no you're clenching your feet! i had them all curled up like little claws. the hardest part about the hanging and flipping was remembering where everything was and where it had to go- it's like twister, now put your left foot on green, and i'm like, i'm hanging upside down by a floot and a hand by a thin bar 8 feet in the air, and you expect me to be able to figure out which foot my left one is? my big realization about circus performers came from how much it HURT- not a "this is pulling my muscles, i'm not strong enough" hurt, but a "the rope is digging into my foot" sort of hurt. circus artists look so beautiful and elegant and lighter than air, and i've always thought that it was just a combination of talent, strength, skill and practice. but now i know it just LOOKS that way- that all trapeeze artists have rope burns on their ankles, scars and bruises appear in mysterious places, that sure weightlessness is the illusion, but to make that illusion real bodies need to be lifted, supported by awkward bits of wood and metal and such.


a little country post

we've got lots of new cds loaded onto our stereo laptop at work, and i'm definately feeling the country vibe these days. eliza gilkison just sounds so good! and i love the old kim richey that i loaded on. ch put on lucinda williams and even that souds good.

after work, ch took the brownline and i took the purpleline home. well, by the time i got to the platform his train had already come. and i waited, and waited, and waited. there were such delays. he texted me from belmont- we weren't even at armatage yet. and then when i finally got off the dreaded train, FOUR MORE came- two each brown and purple before a packed redline came. ch was home before i left fullerton. GRRRR. so i had to inhale my dinner to make it to square dancing on time.

ch and i decided, it wasn't just a fluke. we actually do love gay square dancing, and we're gonna join up, pay our dues to the cult, and drink the kool-aid at the end. so you'll know where to find me monday nights! i'm glad i don't have to work tuesdays, though. i'm so exhausted and energized by the end of the night.

got home and opened my mail- a letter from my grandfather, a thank you note for their baseball trip we gave him for his birthday. i didn't recognize his handwriting at first- and i was glad, because the only letters i've known him to write are mean ones- angry letters to the editor, the letter to my dad about how he better marry my mother, i'm sure one day i'll get my own anti-homosexual, disowning sort of letter. and there are pictures, pictures that make me feel so strongly. there's one of my grandfather sitting on a minature tractor, i forget what they're called, used to pull stuff in the jefferson township fair contests... he's baring his teeth and looks just adorable. it makes me want to think kindly of him, this cute, warn old man, and wish i was around more to appriciate him while he's still here. but then i remember, oh, saturday night, when i did so many things that were so very wrong in his world view he would not be able to fathom it. i'm a terrible liar, and i think a good bit of my ability of being able to keep all these secrets is honestly just not being around much.

and then, for an entirely different set of emotions, there's a picture of of my cute little farmer grandparents in front of comerica park in detroit. no, not the stadium in pittsburg or montreal. they send me the one from detroit. sigh.


fun's name is deb

today's title came from the train ride to the renegade craft fair yesterday. i was falling asleep standing up, and my headache hurt with the moving of the train car. and ch is like, "well, aren't you sorry?" and i said, "no, i had a lot of fun last night." and he said, "you gotta tell me what you know about this fun. does fun have a name?" and i said, "fun's name is deb" which made him laugh and he said it had to be my blog title. but since i was identifying so much with the unsuccessful slut that it was the name of the blog for a short time, i had to use yesterdays... but this still fits for today.

deb brought her friend LPC to stargaze again last night, but she had a much better time. she was making the rounds, flirting with lots of people. deb and i danced a little, but spent more time at the bar, cuddling and talking. when i went to go to the bathroom, LPC was standing behind us NECKING with a girl- when i came back i picked up that LPC was going home with said girl and her boyfriend. so after we danced some more, deb said she'd give me a ride home since i live so close. and then i invited her up...

i was very pleased to wake up feeling great this morning. sleeping till 1 probably helped. and i drank alot of water last night. ch called from the flowershop. he has a big balloon order early tomorrow morning. he went in today to inflate them- we coat them with highfloat solution so that they will last long enough. i told him i'd taken care of that, and he imagined a pile of sticky balloons on the counter. when he got there he found all 48 of them standing at attenion in the cooler, tidily gooed and bundled with rubber bands in bunches of 10. so he called me to give me a kiss of gratitude.

i spent the afternoon getting the bowling ball bags cut out. not as much as i wanted to, but still something. now i just have to sew them together and glue them in. however, i put off eating all day. so i had to stop eventually to cook. i made tomato curry, and devoured it while talking to deb via aim. i really need to learn her last name.


maybe not so unsuccessful....

so, after work yesterday ch and i were trying to make a plan. seeing an almodovar was too complicated, and i really needed to cook. and there was going to be another chix mix party at circut.... so, after work i came home and changed into my party clothes (the theme was rock stars this time) and packed up my vegetables, and headed off to ch's. when i got there all hungry he already had dessert mixed up, candles burning, wine and french bread with brie for me, and we cooked a delicious meal in his little kitchen. then he gave me a trim so my hair looks nice for my mom's visit next week and i put on my rock star makeup. he went off to hugos and i went off to the party!

there was a short line to get in, but once in i found the place empty and lifeless. no one was dancing. i went to the bar all the way in the back and flirted with the bartender, who mixed me a yummy drink (peach vodka, cranberry, orange, and a splash of 7up) for me and gave it to me cheaply. so i went to my seat from last week, but it was packed, so i found another seat near another solo woman. she was not having fun. i have the rule to wait out a party until i finish my drink, if it's still no fun after that i can go, but i have to wait at least that long. i was almost done when this gay guy who had been itching at the edges all night asked me if i wanted to dance. so we did. there was another couple who went out on the floor after we did, and then they started coming on. this guy was very kind, he bought me another drink, and i danced with him a few more times, but he had much more energy than me- plus, i was starting to get a little depressed, all these girls, and the only person who's friendly is this guy. i wandered around a bit, scoping the scene. it's interesting to watch the interactions, cause you know everyone's in couples- the best i can tell, the ones who are having a good time friends, and the pouting ones are the ones who are dating... there was this little polish chick and a big sexy woman, and the LPC looked so unhappy to be there, and the BSW looked like she just wanted to let loose on the dance floor, but she had to stay by the bar to be nice to her date.

so now the dance floor's full, and i go out to find my friend, and he's dancing with all these girls, and he starts sending them my way. ah, lesbians dancing. i don't think i'll ever get used to it. i hope not! i think lesbians dancing with strangers is more intimate than a lot of people having sex. so i'm having a fabulous time, being touched suggestively by all these women, i had this feeling of completeness- you know, that particular ache that i whine about has been filled for the moment, and i'm gonna be fine until it wears off.

i go to the bathroom, which is all chichi, with an attendant, which i hate, but since i always feel compelled to tip them i used some mouse, too, and spiked my hair up higher. made friends with a hot butch parker and her friend the tiny natalie, because behind them was ANNE. the blond mowhawked girl from speed dating. i HAD to talk to her. i was proud of not saying anything stupid, whining or anything, i made a good 3 minutes of small talk. i said something to parker, and she's like, "ah, she's an asshole anyway." and that made me feel SO good, cause it's better to be rejected by someone hot because she's an asshole than because there's something wrong with you.

back on the dance floor, i see BSW, and she looks much happier, so i say to her "i'm so glad you're out here, you looked like you wanted to dance so badly!" so we start dancing together. her name's deb. as we get closer than even is normal for lesbians to dance, she asks me, "do you like big women?" a little later i ask, "is there someone by the bar i should be worried about, dancing with you like this?" and she explains that LPC is just a friend she came with, she doesn't even know her very well. so, yeah, we dance all night. we're necking on the dance floor. we end up doing some very heavy petting (you KNOW how i LOVE that phrase) in a dark corner. we are not kicked out, and i am surprised. we dance some more. we dance till 4, when they close down. we exchange numbers- and i take the train home.

didn't drink nearly enough water last night- had a nasty headache this morning. the cat woke me up at 9, then at 11 the phone rang- a survey about my phone service providers. PLEASE. at 2 i met ch and hugo and joe and we went to the renegade craft fair in wicker park. it made me miss jamie and pi. hope you're having fun in france!! the vendor who makes lampshades out of drink umbrellas was there again. so cool. found a birthday gift for l. ch bought some prints.

came home and took a nap- then went to the grocery store to get cat supplies. made dinner, wasted time. had been texting deb today- she invited me to go out dancing with her at stargaze, tonight. so that's where i'm headed for. i'm actually typing this in my fishnets and velvet mircomini.

listen, don't talk to me about bowling ball bags. they'll get done eventually. sometimes, a girl just wants to have fun.



made all my phonecalls from bed this morning. gma, cause she called me, pop-pop, cause i got his birthday card, a craigslist girl, to make plans to play scrabble tonight, and christopher's boss, about my new job. very industrious. putzed for a pretty minimal amount of time- only, like, 2 hrs- before i drug myself away from the computer and out of the house. first i went to hancock to get embroidery supplies, then i went to the library to pick up my books and check out a whole stack of others, then i went to the costume shop, where i serged my chiffon, sewed the overskirt together, and zigzaged the yarn branches on. once i embroider the twigs and the sequin flowers, i will be happy and confident about this dress. on the way home i stopped by the gerber hart booksale. i got another copy of tales of the city- who needs one? and two nonfiction books from my list. (yes, i have a list that has all the books mentioned as being on the teachers' bookshelves in annie on my mind. i dont' think there's anything wrong with that.) wnet to buy them, but realized i was out of cash. so they let me take them and said just stop back! it was so kind and neighborly. i felt community and it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

after that i came home and made zuchini feta pancakes. never heard back from scrabble girl. ah well. ch says the renegade craft fair is this weekend. hard to believe it's been a whole year since jamie and her husband came to visit. my life was so different then! but not neccessarily better- i saw michelle in the costume shop today and she was totally zoned out. i was so glad i wasn't in classes there.

still sore and tired from circus classes. i'm going to bed now.


more circus

left work early today to get to circus school on time! today's stretching seemed more exhausting to me. i was better at this week's tumbling, though. then i learned how to stand on a ball. it's basically the same as walking on stilts, actually. i was horrible at it when i first got up, though. it was like rollerskating, i couldn't pick up my feet- i also had a bit of terror since the last time i tried to stand on something round was when fabian's circus came to su casa for my 20th birthday, and i tried to balance on a board on a cylander and it flew out from under me and i fell down hard and had the wind knocked out of me. but no such thing happened to me on the ball, and when i got up for the second time i had much better luck. then, we did the spanish web- which is basically a rope with a loop at the top hanging from the ceiling that someone holds taut. i couldn't seem to get it wrapped around my foot properly, and it made my arms tired. once i finally shimmied up to the top, i was like, no, i can't do this, my arms are going to fall off, i have to get down. but they said, no, you have to, so i stuck my arm through the loop and grabbed the rope and let go with my feet. and i didn't fall off, i made a pretty arch and they spun me around, and i looked beautiful, i'm sure, but i'm still not sure how my arms didn't become disconected.

came home to a very cold house. finally shut some windows. i'm bitter- it's been raining all week. talked to christopher about this job he's got for me, and he said, "where are we living, seattle?" i dont' mind the rain so much, i just want 2 more weekends of summer or so, before i'm ready to go fall. but then i look around the flowershop, and we have rovers and sorgum and millet and safflower and orange mums, and i realize there's no denying it.


more almodovar

HELLO!! i've wasted SO MUCH TIME ONLINE today! i really think i need an intervention, a 12 step program, something. i just can't stop checking my email every hour or so. i'm so behind and really needed to WORK today to catch up, and i didn't at all! all i got done was cutting out the skirt pieces for the rear window dress. i went down to the costume shop to use there tables, but only got the skirts cut out before ch called- we'd made plans. my whole day, wasted! all i do is lie in bed and eat chocolate and read young adult novels. it's so so pitiful. anyway, ch and i met at a new mexican restaurant. he'd gone there with a friend, and said the food was much better than upstairs, though expensive, and the drinks were twice as good for only a dollar more.

it was this totally charming place- the front doors were elaborately carved wood, and the chairs were leather with paintings- ours had a line drawings of diego rivera girls with sunflowers. my drink was yummy, and the salsa was excellent, chips fresh, while waiting for ch. now, when ch orders his margarita without looking at the menu, the waiter asks, big or small? and ch says, big. well, this is what he got.

it was kind of hard to have a serious conversation with that on the table. 48oz. a pitcher is only $2 more. my goddess.

anyway, we had 2 tapas plates to share and the food was SO GOOD. probably the best mexican food i've ever had. we'll have to take my mom when she comes. (in, um, a week? how did that happen?) so after that, we're waiting for the train to the music box, and my phone rings- it's christopher. i decide to ignore it, cause i'm with ch, and i gaze across the platform- to see christopher with his bicycle. so i answer my phone, and we talk across the platform. it's really really funny. to talk on the phone to someone, but be able to see their facial expressions. but then our train came, and ch and i were off to see flower of my secret.

it was quite a good one, i liked it. really good cinematography theme of shooting through fabric, etc. a technique he kept using over and over that i loved- the camera pans across the blinds, with the light coming in- then the focus changes and we're looking through the blinds, into the playground out the window. almodovar's movies are great stories, with wonderful characters, which is what i usually notice and enjoy about a movie. but his are such visual treats. as the man walks across the room to open the door, the camera follows him, but goes to the dining room instead, which has an orange wall with a round cutout we can peek through to see the man behind the beaded curtain opening the door... it just builds. plus, there's this scene with the village women tatting this AMAZING LACE. they have hundreds of bobbins they are throwing back and forth, and singing, and the pins are beautiful, and the clacking is this beautiful noise, and i want to learn to tat. it's like number 2 on my list of 100 goals.

but now- work tomorrow, circus school tomorrow night. i just want to get this dress done so i can stop worrying about it. oh and the bowling ball bags. goddess, i can't forget about them.



ok, so yesterday: stayed up too late, and then it was raining whne i woke up. there was no way i was making it out of the house to go figure drawing. maybe next week. i did haul my ass out of bed to go to sacred harp sing. it was in evanston, in this big house (yes house, not apartment or condo but house) and the hostess was this CUTE girl, younger than me!! i guess she has, like 6 sisters. but she was the only singer. she was a tenor and wore short pants with tall boots and polkadotted knee socks and i was in love. however, we only had 4 people-t hat's one person per part! so i was BY MYSELF! it was kind of a mess, but about half way through her friend molly showed up- and she was just as cute as mary (are they a couple?) and she was a treble, too, and she had a powerful sacred harp voice- so it was PERFECT. i was so glad to sit and sing next to her, and i am a little in love with the north side singers, which is much better than a little embarrased like the south side singers made me. so i'm ready for singing with mom in two weeks.

when i got off the train on the way home, the devon st bus was right there, so i took it to the indian neighborhood on the spur of the moment. i bought some instant indian meals, and a 10# bag of rice, and dinner at my fave indian vegetarian fast food place. i figured out the problem isn't that i don't know indian food, it's that the sign is awful- unclear, and full of spelling errors. i think they had panir as like, puni. anyway, i love it. the special is $5 and it's enough food for 2 meals for me. it's this whole bag full of mysterious little containers: a soupy dahl (this one had eggplant in it) a chapati and a roti (breads), a tub of rice, a nasty hot spicy thing i threw away (the pickle, perhaps?) a very mysterious spongy yellow thing with jalepanoes, sweet and spicy (i have no idea what it was), then "salad" of tomatoes and onions, the BEST raita (sweet yogurt with bits of crunchy chickpeas and parsley) ever, and 2 vegetables. i picked aloo gobi (potatoes and cauliflower) and mutter panir (peas and cheese).
isn't that a lot of little containers for $5? oh, and a sweet, too! i didnt' like my sweet this time (it was hot pink and chewy) but it is perfect, cheap and ymmy and oh so spicy!

and by then it was time to hear kate peterson! i love that i can walk down the street to the speakeasy. and all the little lesbian folk singers seem to play there. what more could you ask for? as a band, i really liked anxious but excited together- i am such a sucker for interesting harmonies. and a madolin is a sure way to my heart. after the show, i couldn't really leave without saying hello to kate, but she came over to ME and said, you're caitlin, aren't you? and i'm like, yeah... and she says, is it wierd that i know that? and i'm like, yeah... she said she saw my comments on leah's myspace page, so when i came in and she didn't know me, she figured that's who i must be! charming. so though i'm not really in the loop, i am still holding on to the edges with my feet dangling...

but wait, there's more! came home from work today and ate the rest of my leftovers, because gay square dancing was tonight! at work today joe stopped by for lunch, and we invited him along, too. so ch, hugo, joe and i made quite a square dance posse. i wore the purple dress i made that i wore to dance at my mom's wedding, and of course my pink cowgirl hat. no one else dressed up, but that's ok. i'm used to being the only one. the learning curve was REALLY low, and everyone was very friendly. so there was no preassure, and i came off looking really good, because the moves were so simple and i've done contra dancing before, and it's very similar. i wish i could stop comparing it to contra, beacuse i think that's more fun to do, but there's no gay contra league in andersonville, and i would rather do the squares if that's the case! everyone else said they had a good time and they'll come back next week, so that makes me very excited.

just went to the grocery store, cause i'm hungry though, and bought CRAP. then i posted another ad on craigslist, cause you know i can't get enough. fresh blood, cackles the vampiress. so now i'm going to read my novel and eat my doritos and chocolate ice cream and hopefully get to bed in time to get something done tomorrow!



i love that i've had a post titled this already. ok, so the party- no hookers, and only cocacola. but there were 2 kegs and lots and lots of college students. if you told me i was the oldest person there, i wouldn't have been surprised. lots and lots of straight people, and good number of gay boys too. i am quite confident i was the only dyke. oddly enough, i guess all the well primped straight girls made me uncomfortable, because i mostly talked to boys all night long. i did keep coming back to a circle with cathrine in it, which was nice, as she was the only person i knew there, but you never wanna be the guest clinging to the host, so i tried not to hover and to make new friends. i did meet a couple of nice guys- the gay guy bemoaning the fact that the straight man let him feel up his biceps before telling him he doesn't swing that way. the drunk drunk DRUNK freshman at his first kegger, who i played, not very nicely. but he was just so young and innocent and flirty and DRUNK that i couldn't help but give him stories he would be embarrassed to remember tomorrow. there was a guy with a stringy bob and a black fedora, and i asked him if i could borrow his hat- and oh, i looked fabulous with it. so annie lennox. (ha! that is a title i can only aspire to! but oh, how i aspire!) i was wearing- docs with purple-pink shoelaces, black fishnets, black miniskirt with purple-pink sequin fringe, sexy black tanktop, purple-pink lipstick, purple false eyelashes, silver eyeshadow, silver star dangly earings, spiky hair. so the back fedora was perfect- i need to get one of my own. i was telling another guy about my new gender identity, and he's like, you need to stick out your chest and say "what" and look people up and down and glare. so every time we bumped into each other all night, we got a butch and angry and tried to start something, but usually giggling happened first.

i didn't get home that late- i had to wake up in time for mr. rear window to come over, check out my swatches and pay me my deposit. so with the $200 cash burning a hole in my wallet, i went to vogue and proceeded to buy 11 yards of chiffon. eleven!! how could one dress use 11 yards of ANYHING? goddess. and then i only need 1 yard of velvet for the bodice. welcome to the 1950s. came home, wasted time. wasted time. went to the grocery store. wasted time. it was awful. got nothing done yesterday, nothing! then i looked at the computer clock and it was 6.15- i needed to get on the train NOW to see my movie! but i though eating something besides breakfast was important.

so i shoveled in my cauliflower millet cassarole, then hoofed it to the train- and saw my train pass before i crossed broadway. damnit! so i had to wait, like 8 minutes. so i knew i wouldn'd be able to do what the cta suggessted, which was take the irving park st bus. so i instead took the brownline. which i had to wait FOREVER for. i got out at southport and turned left, the numbers were 3400, so i knew i had a couple of blocks. the street looked familar- have i been to southport before? the addresses were by then 3200...wait- that's LOWER! i'm walking SOUTH! i'm almost to BELMONT! that's why it looks familiar! fuck it. so i turned around and headed north. it was much farther north than i thought, like 3700. i go in, say i want a pass, lay down my credit card- and it's cash only. so i go across the street, take out some cash from the ATM, and go back, try again. one for gabrielle? he asks. no, for all about my mother, if you'll still let me in, i say. thank goddess i've seen this movie before, otherwise i would have called it quits LONG ago. i missed over half an hour. but i sat down as she's just arrived in barcelona, and she's in the cab circling the prostitutes.

the moment when i first saw it when i'm like, WOAH, hold on, she is not the nice suburban mother whose life has always centered around her son! i love that character so much. the transexual friend and the actress got all the hype, but i love the mother. she portrays all that grief so well. it's so honest, the way sometimes she can just shove it in people's faces, and other times how off handed comments can make her just break down. and of course she has that unshakeable, unshockable characteristic i want so much. she's all wholesome, encouraging her son and his writing, taking in the sick nun... but really, the same tranny knocked up both her and the nun. ah, i can only aspire to it. it's not so much that i want a wild life, as i want to be the wholesome character in other people's wild lives. i want to be strong, fearless, unshakeable, unshockable. and i'm getting better, i'm good with sex, but i'm still scared of drugs- i coudn't drive huma around, finding nina's junk dealer for her.

anyway, enough about how much i love all about my mother. ch and i will see flower of my secret on tuesday. lots more almodovar to go, throughout semptember! after the movie i went to crew for booty's birthday. i do feel a special kinship to other people with september birthdays. ch and hugo quickly showed up, but it wasn't enough to intrest me. it was a nasty sports bar, and the wings smelled meaty, and the crowd was noisy, an i just wanted to go home. i ended up taking a side trip to ch's to see his new air plants (they're blooming! little purple brachs!) but finally made it home. where i wasted more time.

what is it with me and the internet these days? i can't seem to get anything done. it just sucks me in. i stayed up too late last night, and then ended up sleeping in this morning, skipping figure drawing. i will never get over my procrastination and do that. i dont' know why it's so hard, i'm so scared of it. i'm not sure what my problem is. i hope i do manage to make it there someday. still have a full schedule for today, though. sacred harp singing in evanston (so i'm in practice for when mom comes) and then kate peterson at the speakeasy tonight. wish i could get it together to get some letters to the post office somewhere in there too. but alas. i am too lazy and distracted.


love and parties

work today, as usual. my cauliflower millet cassarolee is baking- i think i'm quite hungry for it. it sounds good. i'm in that phase again where i'm hungry but nothing sounds good so i never bother to cook. i was so mopey today at work about it, not interested in lunch, not salad or italian food, so i drank a jamba juice instead and it made me quite happy. hugo called and made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. he called me centered and grounded when i'm feeling so floating and adrift, and it was perfect. i'm going to the kegger tonight, with the hookers and the coke. we'll see what it's like- of course i'll let you know!! after i cleaned up my bookcases last night (they look so NICE! i could just look at them!) i took the utne readers with dog ears and checked out all the webpages and typed all the books into my booklist and the movies into my netflix. still have some quotes to go into the quote book, but i feel enlightened, as usual. one of my favorite things that i want to share with you, is the reader's bill of rights:

1. the right not to read
2. the right to skip pages
3. the right not to finish
4. the right to reread
5. the right to read anything
6. the right to escapism
7. the right to read anywhere
8. the right to browse
9. the right to read out loud
10. the right to not defend your taste

isn't that just lovely?



1. unhappy with not leaving the house today- but i did get my house cleaned up (and vacuumed with the tonka truck!) and i reorganized my bookshelves (which had been on the list for a while) so now all my books fit on, and my schoolwork has been shoved to the top of my closet. still need to figure out what to do with magazines for clip art- i can make so many cd cases and collages!! but i dont think they belong on taking up valuble bookshelf space. also, how long do i not need to be a christian before i throw away my prayer journals?

2. so sore from circus school! lots of my muscles are tight. i need to remember to strech every morning this week.

3. emotionally, well, lets just say i listened to all of patty's living with ghosts and natalie merchant's ophelia today. also have 2 new mixes i'm working on. we will see.

pet peeves

ok, so i started a new book on the train yesterday, what i thought was just nice lesbian fiction. turns out it's erotica. i have nothing against erotica, i like it very much, HOWEVER, it's much preferable in bed or the bathtub- it makes me rather uncomfortable to read it on a crowded subway car.

this is why i stick to young adult novels.


found pieces

first: listening to the weepies on the way to michigan, i was captiviated by slow pony home- i feel it was the theme song of my trip. i didn't know, but now i do: i'm still waiting for a girl on a slow pony home.

"It's the second September I have known you
Four years or so ago, I rode a pony, called him "Truth"
We didn't know the way so it took us till today to get here

And all that time, I felt just fine
I held so many people in my suitcase heart
That I had to let the whole thing go
It was taken by the wind and snow
And I still didn't know that I was waiting
For a girl on a slow pony home

I can remember when I first saw you
You said in my photograph I looked more far away
I laughed and smiled and didn't say "I am a bit afraid to be here."

Setting free the anchor and looking past the shore
It's a sea of horses on ships with no sails, no motors, no oars

Now we're cleaning the windows between us two
Funny, you do it once, and then again, and pretty soon
the fingerprints and dust...
But I've begun to trust the view here.

And all that time, I felt just fine
I held so many people in my suitcase heart
That I had to let the whole thing go
It was taken by the wind and snow
And I still didn't know that I was waiting
For a girl on a slow pony home"

second: i re-read when the messenger is hot by elizabeth crane on the train back from michigan, and there is this big long quote which (with a change in pronouns...) that really resonated with me. keep in mind, this is over half of the entire story:

"maybe i'll always be thinking that she's really in love with me. that there's an in in that sentence. i don't know. she thinks that if she says i love you and means it as a friend which i know she does, she thinks that i will hear the in in the sentence whether it's there or not but i'm not stupid i may go ahead and think that she is really in love with me but i will never again think she is going to be with me. i know that we will go on with our separate lives and become involved with many other or several or with any luck just two other people (one per), people with whom we will be awake at the same time and when we meet parents she will not refer to me as her friend and we will be happy and she will tell me she loves me and there will always be an in in the sentence and maybe there will even be beautiful babies but i will know that we had that thing even though she thinks she thinks that we didn't have that thing, even though she thinks she thinks that it was never a full-on thing, that it was another thing, a thing that had something to do with us being in the right place at the right time for this particular greater purpose, that god may have been involved even, but not for the other thing, not for love. ( and i know why she thinks that, and i get it, i do, it's just that i don't think the possible god thing is exclusive of the other thing, the love.)"

third: ch totally empowered me when i got home- in a lot of ways, the most fun of which was this week's romance planet horoscope:

"libra: as two planets enter your sign, you're feeling invincible. you're not the man of steel, you're the dude of titanium. you're not wonder woman, you're wonder fucking woman. your honey might have troubles keeping up with you as you battle supervillains and save the world."

which makes me feel bad about my blog title change, so i'm going to change it back to the superhero name. it's so optimistic i feel stupid typing under it these days, but ch says the funny honest one is too much of a downer, and i'll be making myself feel smaller each time i see it. i think i need to learn to be satisfied with reality, but i've lived this long under unglaubliche and no one's called me on it yet, so i might as well pretend a little longer.

fourth: at two this morning. my phone woke me up with a text message. when i checked it this morning, it was from a classmate of mine in fiction writing. it said:

"party friday! tons of hookers and coke. plus a keg or two. 8pm, [address] right off the red line. be there! -cathrine"

the thing is, i don't know this girl all THAT well, but she's the type of person that i could believe that would make this joke... or the type of person who would really have this party. so now i'm going to have to go, just to find out.

finally, i don't have a piece of found text for this one, but i want you to know anyway: today was my first day of circus classes. and i LOVE THEM! they were fabulous. we did tumbling and juggling and trapeze. i can juggle 2 balls and i can do a catcher's position, and a mermaid, and sit on top of, and get down from, the trapeze. oh yeah.


hey all

back from michigan. how was your weekend?


from ferndale, mi

laura's at work, getting stuff ready. me, i'm altering t-shirts for her, because that's what i do, no matter where i go. but i thought i'd take a few minutes to check and see what sorts of comments you lovely ones have left me while i've been sad and lonely out of state.

answer: none. so i'm too sad to blog any more. you all can hear about my trip when i get back.


margaritas and sears and packing, oh my!

SO, i was only supposed to work half a day today, but we ended up being so busy i stayed all day. after ch & i closed up, we went upstairs for a margarita. i was feeling, i don't know, like shopping i guess, so i said i was going to sears to buy a vacuum cleaner. and ch said we should go to the one by his house, cause there was a garden center there and he could buy new plants. WELL, when we got there there was no garden center, so we could have just gone down town. but it wa ok because we had a FABULOUS time. i'd never really shopped with ch before, and nothing is more fun then sears when drunk. we got all sorts of housewares for him, my vacuum cleaner, and then we hit the boys clothes department... he's so funny, holding up these itsy bitsy plaid shirts and saying, this would look fabulous on you! we closed the place. and i joined the kidvantage program, so i'll get coupons when they track my spending. nice. the vacuum is a tiny yellow plastic thing that works on carpet and wood. ch calls it the tonka truck. it's true. i think perhaps i'm taking the 12yo boy thing too far....

but anyway, i should not be blogging, because my bus for detroit leaves in 8 hrs and i'm not packed yet. would someone PLEASE leave me a comment while i'm gone? beacause i've been posting good stuff, i mean, photos and funny stories and links, for goddess sake.