i'm so cold. the heat in my apartment sucks, and it's too expensive. the cat in my lap is by far the best thing going, and he's a fickle one. i desperately need new storm windows, but my brand new computer arrived today, and i was so excted that i forgot to hassle the manager. and so now i have this excting box, but i can't plug it in until i get all the mp3s burned off this computer. perhaps that would be too much energy for me anyway. yesterday was a total bust. after being hung over sunday, mom and i still stayed up too late fooling with her computer. we watched pieces of april (happy thanksgiving!) and i taught her how to burn cds. we'll see if she can get it. and of course, i had to pack. i still couldn't sleep that night, tired as i was. i think perhaps it has to do with the cold feet thing. i need better circulation. or at least, to live in a country where hot water bottles are standard. and woke up at 4AM to drive to the airport. CRAZY! who's idea was this? but i needed to work monday, and there were no flights left on sunday. shouldn't have put off buying my ticket so long. the lines were incredible at the airport. i thought everyone flew on sunday! luckily i could see my gate from the coffee shop so i risked gettting tea. the barista was this hispanic queen, and he just raved about the gelly rings g gave me- i wear them in rainbow order on my thumb. i've enjoyed the duality of it. i feel like i'm flaunting my pride, with this flag on my thumb, and yet, my grandma just thinks i like rainbows. anyway this crazy guy is cooing over my thumb- where did you get it? uh, chicago. what am i supposed to say? it's an airport. i could be from anywhere. and he keeps going, and i'm starting to wonder, is there a secret handshake or something? am i supposed to launch into coming out stories, holding up the coffee line? perhaps he doesn't get it either, he's just straight and enthusiastic. it's 6am, for frock's sake. the indian girl in my novel always swears by frock, and it's rather charming. so i arrived at o'hare at about 8.30, and went to work, then to a meeting for sweet water taste, the new play i'm designing in march. should have designed already. met frances in the elevator. she made me feel gross at the time, however, she had good ideas and was suportive in the meeting. so that's something really good about her- she doesn't put me down in front of others, just when i'm on my own, or in front of classmates. it's ok. i'm growing. she sets a very steep learning curve. luckily it was all interesting enough i could keep awake. work was so hard! so i came home, and it was so delightful. ch had made the beds, turned on the heater, watered the plants, rearanged the dining room furnature, left salad milk and ice cream in the fridge, in general just made it delightful to return to my well cared for home. ahh. and micho was happy to see me. i ate the salad and the frozen pizza, and got ready for bed. was inspired for a brief moment to get out the christmas stuff. then realized i was too tired. so i pulled it down from the back of my closet, and now it's just outside the bathroom door. that's a good first step. went to bed at 9 last night, and thanks to my tigerente-heißewasserflache, fell asleep instantly. when my alarm went off at 7 i restet it an hour and 1/2 later and skipped my first class. was still exhausted, late for my 2nd. feeling better then tonight. though it was raining. thank goodness ch and i waterproofed my new coat before i left for pa. still too tired to eat, to excited to play w/ my new computer. did a bit of boil in a bag indian food. i adore that stuff. don't think i'll get around to opening the new computer box tonight- so sad! but i gotta go to bed on time. and i wanna make the mp3 transfer from this one to that as easy as possible.



so, saturday was the day of partying for me. started out dull, had to write my papers, but they all cleared out of the house to let me do it. finished before they came home, and played the piano. it was really lovely. i need to do it more, so i could do it decently. my fingers forget. not that i was any good to begin with, but i could remember what things were supposed to sound like. someday i'll have a place with soundproof walls and get my mother's piano. right now it makes the room i'm staying in like a victorian parlor. it's mom's office, and it's the only room that feels like hers, instead of her stuff in marty's house. it has this enormous picture window which is by the driveway, and you look in and it looks so warm and cozy and inviting. enormous overstuffed couch with giant red flowers, piano, red wallpaper, new emac. it made me close to being comfortable there. mairee came, and it was so nice to chat with her. we were just getting to dish though, when allie came in. and it was fine, i mean, fine conversation, but mairee and i didn't get a chance to really catch up emotionally. i was a bit bitter about my openess though, cause later when mairee left, and allie's friends came, i felt so shunned. allie had told me that i'd prolly want to hang out with mom's friends upstairs cause hers would be too juvenile. i was like, whatever. but then, when they came, they just talked unswervingly about highschool friends. plus a was there, and while i adore a, i never feel best in social situations with her. it's crazy as she's always my prom date, wedding date, whatever i'm doing in pa, but that's how it goes. so i could have gotten really angry, because a and i were employing our best conversational technique, and they weren't just not talking to us, but actually physically turning their bodies to make a separate group excluding us. however, allie kept making these opening gestures, turning to me, saying, "what were you gonna say, cait?" and that made all ok, somehow. cause it showed that we really do have a relationship- it's not just im or something, and she knew that they were being rude and was sorry about it. not embarassed about her friends (like mom might be, kicking them under the table) beacause it was justified, i mean, hs is all they have in common, and it's been awhile, it's good to catch up. and i don't give details of my life to my friends random big sisters, either. but i was glad to have a. there to say let's get out of here. and that was TOTALLY worth it, cause when we got back to "my" room a. gave me an amazing back rub. she's been thinking of reinventing herself again, and becoming a massage therapist, and my shoulders think it's a good idea. it's a good plan to have someone like that in your circle of friends. then when allie's friends left she came in and the three of us chatted late- it was really nice, good drunken bonding time. i unfortunately was drinking the berry vodka a brought in pepsi, and was totally wired by the time she left. so i was a total mess the next morning. and then had to go to my stepsister vicki's baby shower (remember her from thanksgiving?) it was really bad- poor allie had to get there early to set up and deal with all the mothers, and neither of us had gotten any sleep, and it was this hot cramped little room, and allie and my separate relationships with vicki are often a point of contention. i left early- mom said there was a sing along messiah, so we went to do that. i was glad i got a chance, since i'll be in germany for chicago's... it was hilarious, all those old people, that tiny church, the standard soloists. crazy. the chello player was in my grade- i can't remember his name or anything about him. behind me was singing mrs. daelhousen. she was a mother of a hs friend and the head of the 4H sewing group. she's such a bizzare personality. i was glad to escape with my life. i've actually been talking about her alot- she's the most perfectionistic, anal person i've ever met, and i'm always invoking her name in the costume shop, ie "tom, mrs. daelhousen would think this zipper is too wrinkly. do i have to do it again?" and he says, you're crazy, it's fine. i like being seen as the perfectionistic one at the costume shop. it's a new role for me.



i'm sure i've called blogs excuses before. but it seemed less frequent than aplologies. mom and allie are out shopping, marty is out too- don't know where. i have the house to myself, for now. to write my papers, which are finally done. that's everything that's due this week. lots in the next 2 weeks though. ugh. germany's coming so fast. So. about the excuses. So sorry justine, for coming off sounding so cruel in the last post. so tired and stressed. haven't been sleeping well here. marty just produces so much stress for me. i try not to worry, and i'm good in my waking life, but once i lay down to try and process the day and fall asleep it all falls apart. Thanksgiving day went well, i thought, because there were so many of us, and just marty and his wife that were new characters. i like that buffer. just him and me, or him and me and his wife, is too much for me. i am so glad that allie is going to be around for most of our interactions. it keeps me from feeling like i am the wrong one, the crazy one. SO, i think alot of my anger at everyone leaving so early is just fear of what the interactions will be like when there aren't more of us than them. (i'm sorry, all of you who don't think i'm fair, i'm not giving marty a chance, but that's what it feels like- we're all choosing sides.) it's pretty self serving, when they've driven so far just to spend what time they have with us, and it's not very compassionate of me. sorry.
in other positive family news, i had a blast with dad's side of the family. i don't interact very well with straight boys, so i was so pleased with how well things went with my stepbrotherinlaw eric and my stepbrother tim. i think we're all starting to act well as a family unit- not that we know each other that well, just we're open to each other being around, or something. i wonder, is this just me that's changing and seeing things differently? but i know all of the kids were upset when dad first moved in with pam. and tim had parental issues, and vicki had bad boyfriend problems, and no one gives allison a chance to redeem herself and you all know my favourite problems. and now we're all grown up and are over it, and we don't need to be morose and have our own private hangups, or something. plus, my aunt ellen and her 3 daughters are a party in a minivan. once you get them started you just gotta let them go. they are so loud boisterous and funny. totally redicuous and interactive. it's interesting how into games both sides of my family are. i wonder if others play games in their real life. i don't. the boys wanted to play poker, but i didn't. allie suggested garbage, and i was so glad aunt ellen remembered how to play. i thought it was a game that died with grandma close. So that was her contribution to our thanksgiving feast, now that she's not around to cook turkeys or whatever.
on the way home we were listenening to allie's ipod in the car, i'm trying to learn how to work the thing. she had some tori, and i put on little earthquakes. she knows all the words, too, of course. that seems so weird to me, i mean i know we grew up in the same house together, but i guess i'm kinda in denial about it. i was so obsessed with my own life at the time. no differnent from now i guess.


happy thanksgiving

hello, all. didn't expect to hear from me, huh? well, it can't be long, as it's 12.30 in pa, and i didn't sleep well last night. but yesterday mom and i went to phily where my stepcousin has a computer store, and mom bought me a new computer for christmas... and a new one for herself as well. and she set it up in her office, which is the fold out couch that i'm sleeping on- so now that everyone's gone to bed, the computer is mine. my flight into philly was delayed, which was fine as i had the babybooties for my stepsister on dad's side's baby shower on sunday. allie said if i made booties she'd take care of the rest of the requirements. and amy picked me up at the airport, and i had a lovely 12 hrs or so with her, eating her splendid food and drinking wine out of her lovely blue wineglasses, sleeping under the world's fluffyest duvet and listening to good mixes. then mom picked me up and the computer fiasco began. she bought way more stuff than she needed to. i should have been more outspoken. hopefully i can return it to the apple store in chicago when i get home. anyway, it took us FOREVER to get home from philadelphia- like, 2.5 hrs. marty called on the way to ask us to stop at his old house for random kitchen appliances, then allie called, saying the grandparents had arrived, and then later when we were in the driveway- it sounded like she was crying. aparently so, as mom had a fight with marty as i was greeting and distracting the grandparents. but there are more of us than him, so it's been fine. we all sneered at his peperidge farm instant stuffing and allie and i went to the grocery store to buy real bread. then today aunt deanne, uncle dave, justine and jenna came today, and samir, too. i don't know what's up with them. i mean, as an urbanite, there are alot of things about their thought processes that i don't understand. but they drove 6 hrs. for dinner... then left again tonight! reason: justine had to work at j crew this morning. plus- she's sick, went to the doctor, on antibiotics. she'll probably call off anyway. even if she doesn't, she'll be caughing on all the sweaters the black friday shoppers are buying tomorrow. it was a really strange dynamic. it's always like they're just dying for an excuse to get out of things as soon as possible. like, they like us in theory, but not in practice. i don't know. justine gives all that lip service to visiting me in chicago, but she can't even stay accross the state for one night? of course, maybe it's just they don't like marty either, and are trying to avoid him. but there's strength in numbers! samir-i-poo won't be leaving till tomorrow. he's fun, whish he could stay around longer. but i guess he's got parents too. gma and gpa leave tomorrow too- and that's allie and my's thanksgiving at dad's. so sat and sun will be the fun ones. i'm so glad allie will still be around. but i'm afraid mom will gang up with marty and i'll again feel alone in this strange new family situation.


annoying to the point of being unreadable

i promise, i promise! i solemnly swear i will spell check my next entry before sending it! i'm so sorry!

last post before pa.

don't know if i'm gonna be able to post there, but we'll see. even if i'm out to mom, i'm certanly not ready to have her read here. i'm too mean to her, and think i'll prolly continue to be so. so we'll see. and it's a vacation. i'll prolly be too busy. but i'll try and keep you occasionally updated with interesting snippits so you'll keep reading when i come back! i was so sad last night when g called and canceled. i sent a text to ch on his date- afterwards he texted me back if i was hungry. he went to the co-op on the way home, and bought some groceries. i was fiddling around on the computer, and he made us these delightful gardenburgers with homade guacamole on toasted bagels. it was divine. i so didn't want to worry about food- and was feeling lonely. and he came home and cared for me, and washed my dishes. i could so get into having someone else around the house. they'd just have to leave for large chunks of the day, like ch does... and then today at work, my phone rings and it's g. and i'm like damn, she's gonna cancel again. she's gonna fly to italy tomorrow to see the BadBoyfriend, and i'm not even gonna get a chance to say goodbye. so i'm prepared. but actually she's calling to invite me for dinner- she's cooking for the roommates. so i don't have to worry about eating again! horray! did i mention last time i was there, we finished traveling mercies? so what are we gonna read next? you guessed it, tales from the city! i read just the first two little episodes to her tonight, and she seemed to like it, so fun should ensue. there was this new painting on her floor- as she was getting together her laundry, she said, oh, don't look at that, i hate it! but i'd fallen in love. there is this thin pale girl standing in the center with a ochre dress with a big red cross in the middle and little gold circles at the hem. she has a finger to her mouth, like she's shhhing- or perhaps thinking. behind her legs sits a stuffed animal looking lepoard with a human face, and a small pink heart dangling from it's ear. and this girl's hair is huge- curly and brown like g's, parted in the center, flying at the top and long in the back so that it makes this giant heart shaped frame around her face. the girl and animal are floating on the white paper, and above them is a black and blue wash, with all this marking and sedimetation, watermarks and other funky things. i adore it. g says she may decopage on the wash, which i think sounds like a marvelous idea. very nick bancock. i was so covetous, i don't think i was very polite. she had some sketches on her small block for me to see, but she couldn't find it. i can't imagine being as careless with sketchbooks as i am with my library list. ("it'll turn up eventually- i'm not looking very hard") sketching is so draining for me, so uninspired, and i hate it so much, i can't understand her cavalier additude about it. i had taken the renderings i'd worked so hard on this weekend and she was very flattering about them. my characters seem so flat, undefined, personalityless maniquins compared to her creatures. but she was jelous of my fabric, showing how things really look, and we took a tour of the clothing in the sketches on her walls, and i could see i DO do wrinkles better. but it's so scientific- fabric falls this way, if the arm is this high the sleeve will drape this far in comparison to the other- i can only draw what i can see. but her few wrinkles show exactly where they need to to show the shape she wants. how can one just know that- just put them where they feel right? i thnk i'd rather do that than know why.
¶also, i got 2 care packages today! it was lovely. chocolate from the candy kitchen that justine's mom sent me for finals week, which i'll probably leave for charles, the illustrious housesitter to eat, and stuff from amy- homeopathic blues lozenges, pictures from the beach, chocolate chip bars. it was so delightful. i felt totally loved and understood. i took them over to g's to share with her roomates, and they thought they were delicious-so impressed. i told the story about marty and amy's cooking, and they were so properly affronted. so it's not just me. don't worry, i'm going into my trip open minded, or as open as i can force my mind to be. (this is required in my optimistic family.) however, i'm not gonna be nice to make mom happy and be shocked and hurt this time. i'm gonna try and be prepared and give as i get. i'll keep you all posted as to how it works out.



was so tired friday ch and i went to bed at 8.30. when a. called at 9 it felt like midnight. it was crazy. felt great yesterday though, and got some stuff done. but these everyman renderings take so long. i was starting to panic, esp. as i was taking a break to have g wax my hair. but walking over there i did a quick hr. count, and i think i'll be able to get it all done this weekend, and so that made me feel better... and waste time. ch finally has keys, so he doesn't need me to let him in. for all you new readers (wishful thinking?) you're probably confused. yes, ch and i are both gay, we're not sleeping together. it's just, with a studio apartment, there needs to be alot of scedule awareness. but i came home at 9, and finished my renderings while ch did my dishes and surfed the net. when justine imed him hi caity he replied- this is caitlin's boss. i can see how that might be creapy if she wasn't a blog reader and wasn't following the situation. what a situation it's turned into. r called ch the otherday, crying of course, screaming, "i know you have a boyfriend! who's dennis?" aparently r has been calling the numbers that ch has called on their joint cell phone bill. so that's something else that needs to be separated. this scares me (and is my gossip to spread on the internet) because that means the only thing left they're gonna have jointly is the buisness. i'm terrified to see how r can lash out with that. ugh. i wish i was rich, had an unlimited line of credit, and could buy his half. but i have too many student loans. no one would loan me anything- and what if it would fail? i'll think more seriously about it if anything happens- or after valentine's day. i finished my paintings last night, so just had papers and housework today.. .the papers are done. ch baked this fancy cheesy egg thing with peppers and onions in it, and i got up and made buttermilk biscuts this morning. it was super yummy- i'm finally getting the whole get up late have a nice sunday breakfast concept. it is a nice life. wish i didn't have so much work in the meantime. did you realize thanksgiving is this week? i didn't until about 2 days ago. so now i'm leaving for the house on the cliff the day after tomorrow. i still need to call off work at the costume shop. someone shoot me. no, of course not really.


exhausted again

too many balloons this afternoon. ch took me out for dinner and now we are CRASHING. it's almost scary how tired.


life in the costume shop

RIsha was back today! (she gets a capital) so, we're doing costumes for guys and dolls right, now, right? and the hot box girls sing this number "a bushel and a peck." and the costumes are these bras of big yellow flowers. and as they sing "he loves me, he loves me not" they pull the petals off the flowers. SO, the first thing i see when i come in is risha sitting at the cutting table, stuffing wire inserts into some 200 petals. and, my dress with the wudgy fabric (i always say rootchy, it's so pennsylvanian of me- the german roots are obvious) is too wudgy for the blind hemmer, so i have to hem it by hand. so i sit and hem and chat with risha. HORRAY! when i sat down to so (at my same machine as always, the one aginst the wall next to the cd player) risha was tacking her petals right across from me. i really freaked her out by getting our pedals mixed up- she thought her machine was posessed, and i thought mine was stuck...
i then was working on the straps, and had to wheel forms the whole way across the room to find the right one. i was so upset i wasn't sitting in the back handstiching, cause chris and tom were telling comming out stories, when you realized you were gay, telling your parents. i really wanted to at least listen in, at least particpate, but patty was there still, and she's so republican (esp. for a theater person!) and i don't know. it's just weird. when we were handstiching chris was posing, modeling this plaid 70's jacket, and risha was laughing and said, "you look just like this chick on "the L word" she's like this drag king, and she has short black hair and wears plaid jackets like that, she's SO HOT! i mean it, she's SO hot!" and i'm like, hmmmmm. what could this mean? i wish sometimes that girl's sexuality was more cut and dry, like guy's is. just this morning i was reading again in the paper about that study- the one where they hook up wires to people's brains and show them pics of hot people and gay guys are only turned on by guys, straight guys are only turned on by girls, and girls have no rhyme or reason as for who turns them on- gay or straight, pics of guys and girls.
Last night i gave up on g calling me back and i just went to her house, my cauliflower curry in hand. she was really glad i came, though we were only there for 1/2 hr max- she had swing lessons. (swing dancing, i know, i know) but we connected, she made me feel like a good friend, and not a stalker, which i love. jess invited me to go with them to anne's crew party, the one she comes home so drunk from every year, and so i'm thinking about it. g says it isn't any fun, not her kinda party, but i think i need to go to a college party at least once in my life, esp, before i graduate, right? ch and i were gonna hear jen porter, which we haven't done in ages, but perhaps we can do both. g said she'd call me about this weekend otherwise. still waiting, of course.
still so painful to talk with my mom. she's so fucking happy wth her life, i just don't get it. i get happiness, i just don't get happiness with him. i brought up the change thing, and felt good about getting it out. made dinner, drank a smirnoff, petted the cat, and she called back- so we had to hash it out. it's not that she's not allowed to change. it's not that i don't expect her to change. it's just she's made so many of such violent changes i don't know what's changeable and what's not. and she's so acusitory, like always, i've always hated this in her, she did it with me about allie, too. she's all, aren't i allowed to change? and you haven't changed? like somehow it's gonna all be ok once i realize that i've changed and so her change is the same as mine? i said i haven't changed- i'm still caitlin leah, i'm just becoming who i was all along. i have journals and blank books filled with prayers and terrible high school poetry, trying to figure out who i was, and how to become that person. yeah, sure, my happy childhood made puberty just go poof, and that's who i was. i woke up one morning with breasts. yeah, i'm still waitng for that one to happen. no, here i am, crawling out at 24. that whole thing has added so much more subtext to the whole discussion. i think when you tell your mom that you're a lesbian, that's the point of no return. everything up untill this point has just been trying things on for size. ok, sometimes buying them and walking around in them, but still not cutting the tags off. not that i've ever been attacted to men. (...although there was that one morning when i got out of the shower to find michi had washed the dishes, put on tori amos and made me tea ;->) but i think not being atracted to straight men is my reason for not knowing any, not that my lack of aquaintenceship is the only reason for my lack of desire. still, i'm very uncomfortable with how well this word fits. there's been a political battle going on in the family listserv these days, and a liberal cousin of mine made a very good point. how can you say sexuality's a choice when there's so much discrimitation and hatred? who in their right mind would choose that?
gosh, and that leads to another topic. this should be life and the costume shop instead of in. so, tuesday night, i went over to christie's house for tea. it was the first time i'd seen her in months. it was just too much effort to figure out how her family felt about me. there's such a thin line between ignoring someone in the hopes that they'll go away and being so busy with buisness trips and grad school and a baby that good friends slip through the cracks. but i stopped being neurotic and hoped for the second and accepted her invite to tea. it was just me and christie- jon had a meeting, and lily was asleep. i had a really lovely time chatting with her- i always do. it's really refreshing well balanced conversation. not one of those ones that i really feel like i'm leading, but also not like the ones with mairee, where i know she loves me, but i often feel like i don't get to hear about her life- like i'm talking too much about me. so anyway, christie and i got going, and i brought up blogs! and i admitted i had one! and she asked me for the address! so now what do i do? i told her i'd email her, just to catch her up on some things she's missed. and i'm going to, really. even if she is from texas. other christians read this blog. i'll probably still be loved. so welcome, christie! what an entry to welcome you into the self obsessed, nurotic whiney ramblings of my life!



after work yesterday i tried so hard to read my play, but it was unending. tryed to get in contact with gabrielle, but she didn't answer. my mom as well, needed her proofreading on my latest essay. realized that if the essay is due this morning, i need ink for the printer tonight. so after dinner i still wasn't done with my play but had to go out in the rain to office depot and buy ink because it closes at 9. i was feeling all sorry for myself, but then charles called, and said that after he finished babycakes with his delicious leftovers, he found that johnny b had significant others on his bookshelf, so he took that to the laundromat with him. and it was all so charming i was happy too. then when mom called back when i got home, and i had bagels for breakfast this morning, i felt better too. have my first ted ward show meeting tomorrow, terrified. hopefully i can handle it all, get some ideas. the nasty essay i thought was going to be due the day after thanksgiving is now pushed back another week. so all is going reasonably well on the school front. rebecca was in the costume shop again today, and she said that if jarred wants to use me more he'll call me, so i guess i'm being an ok assistant to the designer. i don't know. am going to christie's for tea tonight, we'll see how that goes. i've never seen their new place or told her how upset i was not to be invited to lily's first birthday party, so it's been awhile. amy, thanks so much for your lovely long comment. i promise to reply soon. for now, though, my pasta is done, and i need to have dinner before teatime.


wah, etc.

feeling whiny.the stress is overtaking my life. hate my damn classes, don't know when i'm gonna get all my work done, will never see g again. DAMN! and i'm out of ink! gotta go back out in the cold after dinner. to print out tomorrows paper. i gotta. i hate my life.


liking people

i don't, really. i think that's my problem. allie and mom keep telling me that i have a bad attitude about marty, that he could change. but every story they tell me to convince me how funny he is just grating to me. they are all so rude or annoying or generally unpleasant. i avoid people like that in my everyday life. i usally ignore them, unless they are so appaling they need to be caled on it. when we have to interact, i can deal with it, like when jim and i had to work together. but it's fine. i can put up with him for short periods of time. as long as there's an outlet for my whining afterwards- and i don't have to go out for drinks with him later. but it's not like more- or less- contact is going to make him change or make me like him better. it's the same thing with marty. it's the same thing with rosie, this racucious lesbian in my text analysis class. she just talks to much, in a very self-centered way. this anoys me in people.and this is why i can't make friends. have i mentioned before my heirarchy for making conversation? the lowest are the people who don't talk at all, of course. The second lowest are people who stop convrsation by only giving ending answers to questions asked. next are those who can carry on conversation by talking, but who do so by talking about themselves, not by asking questions. next are those who can't carry conversation very well on their own, but who can give leading answers to questions asked- they can't lead conversation but can faciliate it. finally, those who can lead conversation, asking interesting questions and listening to their responses, and building on them. i can only deal with people in the last 2 groups, being barely out of the 2nd to last myself. i really hate the people who talk uninterestingly about themselves. i mean, i find people really interesting, but give it some context, some reason for me to care. so i'm just too cocky. everyone is annoying in one way or another. yet somehow i've just wasted 3 hrs. online. who are these people i'm communicating with?



look at this procrastination! it's incredible. i should be reading hamlet, everyman. writing papers, painting renderings. i'm doing NOTHING. but i feel gross. I'm much better emotionally, thank you all for your kind posts. really, uber sweet. i'd been promising ch a tour of the bars of hyde park, and g was wanting to go out to jimmy's last night, so we made plans for both to happen. ch and i went to boni vino first to celebrate the end of the week with pizza and a few drinks. then we came home for our disco naps. i thought we'd hit the cove and falcon inn before meeting up with g, but instead we just slept. so we just went to jimmy's, but that's enough. i'm so glad ch and g can get along. when you only have 2 friends in the whole city, it's important for them to like each other! and i've had bad experiences before, so i was glad i didn't have to panic when i went to the bathroom. They can talk about music and spanish, and it's all fine. we had a good time. g didn't drink much (she kept saying, "i'm out of practice"-- like she used to practice more before) but ch and i got really smashed. i was keeping up with him, so you can only guess the state i was in- i think counting boni vino i had 6 or 7. coming home after dropping g off (isn't that sweet, we walked her home) ch and i had a loud discussion about meeting girls who aren't straight, etc. g kept running into people she knew. how weird it would be to have a life like that. yeah, i start to whine, but actually on the #6 home from boni vino who was across the bus but RAND, the pastor of my church back when i was a christian. so i had to introduce ch, and we had to chat- wierd! luckily not much traffic. ch is reading now, we're getting ready to go out to indiana to see a production of into the woods that johhny b is in. i've never seen it live, just the movie, so i'm excited, even if it is just community theater. ch yelled from his bed, "you write about me on that computer and i'll sue you!" but it would be hard to delete everthing about him. he shows up in my life alot.



i know i told you i went over to g's tuesday. i think i told you how i whined all over mom. did i tell you she said i should let mom know how i feel? well, she did, so i called mom last night. It was a stupid idea. first, wednesday night was dumb. i knew i'd have to get through 2 more days. second, i should never ever confront anyone without a plan in mind. i mean, i need to know what i want changed. and as i was just blogging a few days ago, i don't know what our relationship is supposed to look like at this point. i know it can't go back to what it was. she's someone totally different now. someone who would give up her cats, her house and her garden to marry a man her family hates. she had no idea how i felt, not that this is really out of character, because she's always been blissfully unaware of uncomfortable things around her. and she saud she did notice how distant i'd become, but she thought i was just growing up and separating from her emotionally. she knows that her storise don't interest me or allie, and then she started to cry and say how hard it is to always be the nurturer. i felt awful. what was i trying to do? i still have no idea what i want to acomplish. and i still think that the working definitin is going to be different than what i think should be happening. i think we're gonna try to pay more attention to each other, but i still feel like a slimeball- and one who's hanging on to her mother's apron strings. really, now. i'm 24 years old. there is no reason at all for me to need to share every detail of my life with my mother. i need to grow up. i won't be able to stay friends with g when she marries joe and doesn't have time for me. why would i be able to do so with mrs. nancy katzen? i was just a mess in a dress when i hung up with her. i took chamomile and my fave forget me not before talking to her, then afterwards i had some rescue remedy and gentian. i took a melatonin and went to bed. kept working and working over what i should have said, what i shouldn't have, what a mess i'd maide of things, what a looser i am, etc. took another melatonein 1/2 hr later. pulling myself into a darker depression. took 2 more a half hour after that, and some mre flowers. didn't even make a moticble impact. I haven't felt this way since february when i discovered bachs. i mean, i've been depressed since then, but i could feel how much worse it would be without it. and i knew i'd be fine in the morning, if i could just get to sleep. i had a 8 am midterm this morning. i was panicing about that too. there is no crueler insomnia than the kind caused by worrying about not getting enough sleep. i couldn't come up with any fantisies to escape too. it was awful. i finally got out my sleeping pills, knowing it would ruin today. and that finally put me out. but oh, the agony of waking up this morning! and leaving the house, and classes! but i slept, and that is all that's important. i made it to class, and i think the test went fine, so this afternoon's headache is worth it. risha wasn't in the costume shop today. i couldn't really ask chris where she was because i'm so self consious about stalking her. but rebecca was there- rebecca who was my friend last year, the first person who i came out to face to face, who graduated last year- she's working on an outside show and patty let her use the shop. so that was charming. but i'd rather have risha. charles sent me a text message while i was working- his date tonight turned from a sleepover to just dinner, so he wants to come here. i said it was fine, but oh, i'm dead. i needed cheese for breakfast tomorrow, so i went to jewel after work, and i needed coke too, so i bought the 24 pack rather than the 12 and had to lug it all the way across the 11th street bridge. ugh. i thought i was going to die. now i'm home, but i'm too tired to make dinner. i tried looing around my kitchen for something easy, but nothing was magically apearing. sigh. perhaps i'll just have a cup of soup. it feels wasteful to have such handy food for dinner, but ugh. i can't move. i can't even sit up straight enough while typing to see how my spelling is. so if i missed errors only visible from closser than a yard from the screen, i'm sorry. i hope you all love me anyway. feelin in need of a little love.



awful day at classes yesterday. god, i'm so over them. it's terribly tiresome. mon. night i was dreading them so much i didn't go to bed on time, jus stayed up typing to allie and buying books on the great corporate amazon (but i buy them used... does that help?) and generaly making myself feel sick. my refuge of the costume shop was its usally snarly tuesday self. between them bitching about their plaids, and mom from the night before, and everything, i just felt gross. when i came home mairee called me, and it was nice talking to her, though she feels even worse than i do. so loney, relationships falling apart before her very eyes. i called g, wondering if it was a good idea. i offered a pedicure, a wonderful tool. something few can turn down, but gives me a lovely opertunity to touch someone else, and put more color out there in the world. i wonder how much of my life is dedicated to adding color to the world? i think if i had a personal mission statement, that would be in it. so that was really nice. i didn't talk to much. though i did tell her all about mom, and the recent troubles. she thinks i should call mom up and tell her what i'm feeling. i don't know. all i know is g now has fancy toes. she ended up giving me a pedicure too, which perhaps wasn't such a good idea. i need to keep away from her body, i think. pay alot less attention to it. it was good. encouraging. totally unproductive. didn't get paper, didn't get laundry done. it's awful. now it's 8pm, and i'm just taking a break to start dinner, working on everything that's due tomorrow. the soup needs to be stirred, but there's a cat on my lap. miecho has been so much happier since ch was here this weekend, not crying, liking to be petted, siting on my lap as i type. if i could just get the long term sleep on my feet thing down, all would be fine. g and i made plans for the weekend, she and ch and i are gonna bar hop in hyde park late friday night. as i was coming home from her house, i was thinking all sorts of philosophical blog thoughts. i was going to sign on when i got home, but it was too late. i should have, anyway. all the philosophy is gone and it's just a list of activities again.


flutter mutter nutter butter

god, she's as much fun as a peanut shaped cookie. mom called as i was eating dinner tonight. she was driving home, and telling me about her new sofa. it's modular, and it's "celery with a little more brown." i told her it sounded awful. she continued to chat, flitting from one topic to another while i went "uh huh. really?" then when she got home, she was all business. "was it you who wanted my lifetime pots?" so, now she's throwing out things that are actually high quality and useful cause "marty doesn't like them." (HELLO! has he EVER cooked on electric? these pans were MADE for an electric stove!) i told her not to give them away till she was sure she liked her new ones. and she's all, "well, i'm home now, so i'll let you go." i say all sarcastic, " i'm so glad i could keep you company on your trip home!" and she's like, "yes thanks, talk to you later" completely oblivious. again, who is this woman, and who can i replace my mother with? opus the penguin has a 1.800.need-a-mom number he calls sometimes. if i had a decent substitute for who she used to be with me, i'd be easy to write her off. but she keeps dropping me these tiny questions that i just eat up (how was your halloween party? what are you having for dinner?) that i just eat up. it makes my relationship with g seem healthy. i don't even know what i want it to be, at this point. i mean, i know i want her to be someone she's not anymore. but what do i want my relationship with this new person to be? should i be her ear to tell all her boring blogish daily stories? should i have a passing aquatienceship with her? should i make her listen to all of my worries and activites whether or not she cares? can i even have a relationship with someone when i dislike their husband so much? should i just cut off all contact until i get it all figured out? little chance of that. i'll be there AGAIN for thanksgiving, then she's coming for the opening of guys and dolls. it's sick how much i'm in PA. this will be it for awhile though. if i have any money left after germany, which is doubtful, i'll spend it going to rochester ny for spring break. have to catch that narrow window between when allie turns 21 and when she graduates.
feeling very morose and contimplative, i've decided, while writing this. checking out all the features of osx and currently have my screen photo changing every 5 minutes. i can only choose one folder, and the one with the largest selection is the beach one. its so strange to see me in a bikini, my breasts on the opposite sides of my body than usual. there are so many pictures of people in my family on this very same beach in their 20s. it makes me very nostalgic, or something else- more like thinking the choices i've made are bad ones, or the things that aren't my choises are curses i deserve pity for, or that this stranger with the dreadlocks looks as if she thinks she's much cooler than she really is, or perhaps i'm much less cool than i look. and of course, where the lines between cool/ interesting/ content/ acomplished are so wavery these days. will take some mustard, forget me not, will go to bed. i'll be better tomorrow, you'll see.


what have i done to deserve this?

all this homework! it's awful! and i can't even whine, cause the reason it piles up so is cause i'm going away for ALL of xmas, and ALL of thanksgiving. ugh. anyway, sorry yesterday's entry ended so abruptly. charles had gone out to smoke a cigarette after dinner, and i was blogging while he was gone. and he met gabrielle on her way over here, so they both came in. and g of course doesn't know i have a blog, so i just posted what was there, and closed the window. yesterday was lovely. ch came home from work and made tea, and we sat in the sun reading our books,drinking our tea, listening to mix tapes on my rockin speakers. then he made dinner while i read psych. nothing nicer than someone cooking cozily in your kitchen. we made more yummy gin drinks and ate, then ch went to smoke and brought up gabrielle, and we all watched my newest pedro almodavar, what have i done to deserve this? such great wallpaper! love the telekinetic kid downstairs! she sells her son to the dentist! it's wonderful! ch and i went shoping on 53rd today- didn't buy anything. it was nice to leave the house. i don't feel like anything but sitting in sunbeams and reading novels, anyway.


recent activity

activity is perhaps too big of a word for it. when i went to bed last night i was trying to remember if i had done anything interesting thrusday night i'd forgotten to write about. couldn't come up with anything. actually, i watched annie hall. pretty funny- really liked the specific time of it, and the style was very endearing. remembered why charles recomended it- annie hall is just like one of our extremely annoying customers, patty green (feel free to flame her, too). last night charles and i didn't do anything. i was trying to get up my gumption, but nothing really came of it. actually, we did go grocery shopping. but he came home much later than i, and i had hoped to get lots done homework wise, but nothing happened. my mom had called when i left work, so i called her back on the bus, and she was telling me about how mizerable her life was cause the poor thing had to move and was unpacking boxes in her new house. cry me a river. guess i know how people feel when i talk about germany. i said something about allie as i was walking to my apartment building, and she said, oh, if i knew that all i needed to get allison and you on the same side was get married, i would have done it years ago. i was aghast at the thought- i think i said, yeah, you'd only have one daughter to worry about then. she said she was joking, but then she started going on and on about how happy she was and how she liked living with marty and her new house, and i start bawling and bawling. it was the same old stuff- what does she see in him, who is she, where did my mother go, did i ever know her, i'm so alone, etc. i didn't feel like dealing with it all all over again, so faked it pretty well i decided i really will take her up on her off



i sat down last night and put all my assignments in my planner. it's terrifying. so much to do this weekend. so much to do every weekend. i'm not sure how i'm gona make it. i am amazed how much i hate it all. the classes are terrible, the work is gross. i'm falling farther and farther behind. i keep trying to take my elm and say its this bad every semester. but i don't believe it. i usally have something that makes it all bearable. i think the only thing i'm enjoying is working in the costume shop. i love working under tom, and with pam and chris and risha, especially, of course. i started actually sewing adalaide's dress today- i'm back at my old machine next to the cd player- today we listened to cranberries, graceland, portishead, and erika badu. all my plaids match- what more could bring joy to one's heart? i've gotten 2 calls this week from aquaintances about helping them with sewing. both vineyard hyde parkers. angel, who was part of my small group when i was a christian, and a really hot girl named elizabeth, who's a bartender and a neighbor of rand's. i met her and her husband painting the church studio. all this interpersonal relationships going on! between them and these care packages and ch here every weekend, i feel overwhelmed by friends!



punched mine today. the machine ate it, all must be good. what a wierd air around america today. this big unifying event, through all my classes, the peolpe on the street, those at work- everyone's talking about voting. i have care packages to get ready, and homework to do, and dinner to cook, so i can't blog long, as i'm going over to g's to watch the results.
last night i wasted the whole evening. was gonna watch a movie, but finally ran out of time. i've been trying to watch annie hall for about 3 weeks. was reading newspapers to try and be an informed voter... and wasting time online, typing to allie, justine... i finally read jamie's blog. amy said it wasn't very intersting, but i find it a fun enough life to follow. she spoke about reading others blogs, and how some were boring and others were amazing.. i hope this is one of the amazing ones she found! at least it's interesting enough she keeps reading. and now i feel there's some balance, i know more of her everyday life, and worrisome struggles, since she knows so much about me. i don't know what makes me latch onto a blog and read it. am still distilling those thoughts. will continue to do so while cooking dinner.
so, it's care package time again!
i've got one extra one- who can comment and win the prize?


blog updates

finally, my new safari has all my blogs on the toolbar. had to open up the old explorer to do it, thankfully with no problems. i was afraid i would never find mol's again. sad news, though, she broke up with her anjul. i sent her hugs. www.sararyan.com has been more and more interesting lately, with a link to the particularly funny http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4043&n=1 beth seems to be having a nervous breakdown, though may dye her hair green. justine at goldustwoman13.blogspot.com is much perkier, with an angel costume and a visit from her dad. and finally, http://www.megcabot.com/blog/blogger.html meg's cat henrietta declares john kerry the canidate indorsed by felines. that's all from my life. ch and i watched kissing jessica stein last night. he seemed to enjoy it, tho remarked about the terrible acting, and everyone's obsession with smartness. i agree with the first but find nothing wrong with the second. i want to find someone smart, too- i don't think that's an unreasonable request.