excuses

i'm sure i've called blogs excuses before. but it seemed less frequent than aplologies. mom and allie are out shopping, marty is out too- don't know where. i have the house to myself, for now. to write my papers, which are finally done. that's everything that's due this week. lots in the next 2 weeks though. ugh. germany's coming so fast. So. about the excuses. So sorry justine, for coming off sounding so cruel in the last post. so tired and stressed. haven't been sleeping well here. marty just produces so much stress for me. i try not to worry, and i'm good in my waking life, but once i lay down to try and process the day and fall asleep it all falls apart. Thanksgiving day went well, i thought, because there were so many of us, and just marty and his wife that were new characters. i like that buffer. just him and me, or him and me and his wife, is too much for me. i am so glad that allie is going to be around for most of our interactions. it keeps me from feeling like i am the wrong one, the crazy one. SO, i think alot of my anger at everyone leaving so early is just fear of what the interactions will be like when there aren't more of us than them. (i'm sorry, all of you who don't think i'm fair, i'm not giving marty a chance, but that's what it feels like- we're all choosing sides.) it's pretty self serving, when they've driven so far just to spend what time they have with us, and it's not very compassionate of me. sorry.
in other positive family news, i had a blast with dad's side of the family. i don't interact very well with straight boys, so i was so pleased with how well things went with my stepbrotherinlaw eric and my stepbrother tim. i think we're all starting to act well as a family unit- not that we know each other that well, just we're open to each other being around, or something. i wonder, is this just me that's changing and seeing things differently? but i know all of the kids were upset when dad first moved in with pam. and tim had parental issues, and vicki had bad boyfriend problems, and no one gives allison a chance to redeem herself and you all know my favourite problems. and now we're all grown up and are over it, and we don't need to be morose and have our own private hangups, or something. plus, my aunt ellen and her 3 daughters are a party in a minivan. once you get them started you just gotta let them go. they are so loud boisterous and funny. totally redicuous and interactive. it's interesting how into games both sides of my family are. i wonder if others play games in their real life. i don't. the boys wanted to play poker, but i didn't. allie suggested garbage, and i was so glad aunt ellen remembered how to play. i thought it was a game that died with grandma close. So that was her contribution to our thanksgiving feast, now that she's not around to cook turkeys or whatever.
on the way home we were listenening to allie's ipod in the car, i'm trying to learn how to work the thing. she had some tori, and i put on little earthquakes. she knows all the words, too, of course. that seems so weird to me, i mean i know we grew up in the same house together, but i guess i'm kinda in denial about it. i was so obsessed with my own life at the time. no differnent from now i guess.