RIsha was back today! (she gets a capital) so, we're doing costumes for guys and dolls right, now, right? and the hot box girls sing this number "a bushel and a peck." and the costumes are these bras of big yellow flowers. and as they sing "he loves me, he loves me not" they pull the petals off the flowers. SO, the first thing i see when i come in is risha sitting at the cutting table, stuffing wire inserts into some 200 petals. and, my dress with the wudgy fabric (i always say rootchy, it's so pennsylvanian of me- the german roots are obvious) is too wudgy for the blind hemmer, so i have to hem it by hand. so i sit and hem and chat with risha. HORRAY! when i sat down to so (at my same machine as always, the one aginst the wall next to the cd player) risha was tacking her petals right across from me. i really freaked her out by getting our pedals mixed up- she thought her machine was posessed, and i thought mine was stuck...
i then was working on the straps, and had to wheel forms the whole way across the room to find the right one. i was so upset i wasn't sitting in the back handstiching, cause chris and tom were telling comming out stories, when you realized you were gay, telling your parents. i really wanted to at least listen in, at least particpate, but patty was there still, and she's so republican (esp. for a theater person!) and i don't know. it's just weird. when we were handstiching chris was posing, modeling this plaid 70's jacket, and risha was laughing and said, "you look just like this chick on "the L word" she's like this drag king, and she has short black hair and wears plaid jackets like that, she's SO HOT! i mean it, she's SO hot!" and i'm like, hmmmmm. what could this mean? i wish sometimes that girl's sexuality was more cut and dry, like guy's is. just this morning i was reading again in the paper about that study- the one where they hook up wires to people's brains and show them pics of hot people and gay guys are only turned on by guys, straight guys are only turned on by girls, and girls have no rhyme or reason as for who turns them on- gay or straight, pics of guys and girls.
Last night i gave up on g calling me back and i just went to her house, my cauliflower curry in hand. she was really glad i came, though we were only there for 1/2 hr max- she had swing lessons. (swing dancing, i know, i know) but we connected, she made me feel like a good friend, and not a stalker, which i love. jess invited me to go with them to anne's crew party, the one she comes home so drunk from every year, and so i'm thinking about it. g says it isn't any fun, not her kinda party, but i think i need to go to a college party at least once in my life, esp, before i graduate, right? ch and i were gonna hear jen porter, which we haven't done in ages, but perhaps we can do both. g said she'd call me about this weekend otherwise. still waiting, of course.
still so painful to talk with my mom. she's so fucking happy wth her life, i just don't get it. i get happiness, i just don't get happiness with him. i brought up the change thing, and felt good about getting it out. made dinner, drank a smirnoff, petted the cat, and she called back- so we had to hash it out. it's not that she's not allowed to change. it's not that i don't expect her to change. it's just she's made so many of such violent changes i don't know what's changeable and what's not. and she's so acusitory, like always, i've always hated this in her, she did it with me about allie, too. she's all, aren't i allowed to change? and you haven't changed? like somehow it's gonna all be ok once i realize that i've changed and so her change is the same as mine? i said i haven't changed- i'm still caitlin leah, i'm just becoming who i was all along. i have journals and blank books filled with prayers and terrible high school poetry, trying to figure out who i was, and how to become that person. yeah, sure, my happy childhood made puberty just go poof, and that's who i was. i woke up one morning with breasts. yeah, i'm still waitng for that one to happen. no, here i am, crawling out at 24. that whole thing has added so much more subtext to the whole discussion. i think when you tell your mom that you're a lesbian, that's the point of no return. everything up untill this point has just been trying things on for size. ok, sometimes buying them and walking around in them, but still not cutting the tags off. not that i've ever been attacted to men. (...although there was that one morning when i got out of the shower to find michi had washed the dishes, put on tori amos and made me tea ;->) but i think not being atracted to straight men is my reason for not knowing any, not that my lack of aquaintenceship is the only reason for my lack of desire. still, i'm very uncomfortable with how well this word fits. there's been a political battle going on in the family listserv these days, and a liberal cousin of mine made a very good point. how can you say sexuality's a choice when there's so much discrimitation and hatred? who in their right mind would choose that?
gosh, and that leads to another topic. this should be life and the costume shop instead of in. so, tuesday night, i went over to christie's house for tea. it was the first time i'd seen her in months. it was just too much effort to figure out how her family felt about me. there's such a thin line between ignoring someone in the hopes that they'll go away and being so busy with buisness trips and grad school and a baby that good friends slip through the cracks. but i stopped being neurotic and hoped for the second and accepted her invite to tea. it was just me and christie- jon had a meeting, and lily was asleep. i had a really lovely time chatting with her- i always do. it's really refreshing well balanced conversation. not one of those ones that i really feel like i'm leading, but also not like the ones with mairee, where i know she loves me, but i often feel like i don't get to hear about her life- like i'm talking too much about me. so anyway, christie and i got going, and i brought up blogs! and i admitted i had one! and she asked me for the address! so now what do i do? i told her i'd email her, just to catch her up on some things she's missed. and i'm going to, really. even if she is from texas. other christians read this blog. i'll probably still be loved. so welcome, christie! what an entry to welcome you into the self obsessed, nurotic whiney ramblings of my life!
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