14.11.04
liking people
i don't, really. i think that's my problem. allie and mom keep telling me that i have a bad attitude about marty, that he could change. but every story they tell me to convince me how funny he is just grating to me. they are all so rude or annoying or generally unpleasant. i avoid people like that in my everyday life. i usally ignore them, unless they are so appaling they need to be caled on it. when we have to interact, i can deal with it, like when jim and i had to work together. but it's fine. i can put up with him for short periods of time. as long as there's an outlet for my whining afterwards- and i don't have to go out for drinks with him later. but it's not like more- or less- contact is going to make him change or make me like him better. it's the same thing with marty. it's the same thing with rosie, this racucious lesbian in my text analysis class. she just talks to much, in a very self-centered way. this anoys me in people.and this is why i can't make friends. have i mentioned before my heirarchy for making conversation? the lowest are the people who don't talk at all, of course. The second lowest are people who stop convrsation by only giving ending answers to questions asked. next are those who can carry on conversation by talking, but who do so by talking about themselves, not by asking questions. next are those who can't carry conversation very well on their own, but who can give leading answers to questions asked- they can't lead conversation but can faciliate it. finally, those who can lead conversation, asking interesting questions and listening to their responses, and building on them. i can only deal with people in the last 2 groups, being barely out of the 2nd to last myself. i really hate the people who talk uninterestingly about themselves. i mean, i find people really interesting, but give it some context, some reason for me to care. so i'm just too cocky. everyone is annoying in one way or another. yet somehow i've just wasted 3 hrs. online. who are these people i'm communicating with?
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i think a lot of people are whiny/disgruntled/unsettled these days. that's the energy i'm getting. so know that you may be sharing in universal distress. it's november for god's sake, and that means that most of the northern hemisphere has a damn good reason to whine. so it makes me irritated when people don't allow themselves to be undisciplined. for god's sake, drink, smoke, eat, sleep, become addicted to media series and if you don't have to, don't even think about nonfiction, exercise, organization or planning your future. now, cait, i know you're in school. and i'm sorry for you and any readers who are also in school and who can't be fully undisciplined. but it's not indulging, really. yeah, school a big mound of work and stress and time that you really don't have that you manage to find (i really do think it's possible. some people fit 30 hours of life into 24 hours. madeleine l'engle time stuff, you know). but if you know that you are not going to be able to accomplish anything if you do try and you know that time will march on, you will travel, you will graduate...then try not to chastize yourself too much for not being productive. it Has to happen eventually, right? god, i hated being a student. people would give me these exact shitty pep talks and i'd be nodding outside and sneering inside at their ignorance of Just How Awful it all was. i'm sorry cait, you're receiving this after an unbalanced conversation in which i was mostly the vent-ee. and she was feeling directionless, unmotivated, etc and i'm like, honey, chill out, it's november.
and yeah, you are pretty cocky. how'd i end up your friend? while i am pretty confident that my conversation skills have sky rocketed these past few years i know they used to be quite poor...then again, the comment you made when we were having quite a flowing conversation last week that we better end it while it was good...is it that you expect that conversation will suffer? is it your place in the conversational hierarchy that affects all of your interactions and makes everyone annoying? if i am finding people annoying, about half the time i blame it on myself-my mood, hormones, blood sugar, need of sleep. though now that i'm into energy i can blame poor interactions simply on unmeshing energy. and energy can change. that's what bach's is all about, right?
speaking of bach's, god, i felt like such shit earlier and i worked into a frenzy of self medication. i plugged in my hot pot to make tension tamer tea. i did a hit each of rescue, mustard and borage. i took 3 tums, 2 advil, packed my knitting and my tea and went a-looking for a change in energy. ended up with the unbalanced conversation, but we took a walk, had a smoke, drank hot chocolate w/ kalhua. then i baked some butterscotch brownies, finished knitting my gauge swatch with darkest night of the year and came here hoping for a new blog. so i'll pay my credit card bill and go to bed.
thanks for all your listening and responding. it's priceless.
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