back to work

i can't wait for work to be the hardest work i do. i think i'll be able to get some extra hours this summer, hopefully. the poor, on his own, i'm-gonna-stay-open-till-5:30-on-fridays ch has turned into the smitten, jack stayed again last night, so can i have the afternoon off? slacker ch. i'm closing the shop way too often, but i know that it's good for my karma, and i am patient to get my just rewards. memorial weekend in chicago is also international mr. leatherman weekend, so all over the loop you run into groups of leather daddies, southerners and suburbanites who are amazed by the big city and finding community for their usally solitary fetish. i, of course, have never spotted any, i'm always locked up at home doing finals. ch and jack went to the leathermart on sunday. i wanted to go with them, but you know the story. and perhaps i'm glad i didn't. the stories ch told were a little scary- lots of chaps, public sex, scat, porn videos, etc etc. i think i'd be embarrased, esp. with jack. but he brought me some souvinirs- a card for "leatherbound- bondage fantasy armor" which apparently has some cool pieces that they imagined i'd look great in. and a booklet called "queer guide berlin-" stadtführer für schwule & lesben." charming, eh? it has ein schwule und eine lesbe leaning up against a big bear with the rainbow flag painted on him. i was gonna cut it up, cause i just burned a's copy of my coming out mix, and i need a cover. but then g sent me this link and i think i'm gonna use that instead.
as a transition (which has nothing in common with my two topics) i've been having problems with ms recently. comments, coming out, summer- which are single and which are double? why doesn't english have spelling rules? i guess it could be worse- it could be german. other odds and ends- bored this afternoon and drew a viney tatoo on my wrist with markers. used to do this all the time, haven't had one for a while. took a pic before i washed the dishes. will post it when my film comes back, along with the questionably flattering shirt.
am reading persepolis 2- the story of a return. it's perhaps better than the first one. i think graphic novels may be my next thing... not novels though. since i love persepolis and maus, i guess it's more graphic autobiographies that i love. anyway, persepolis is the story of an iranian girl, and i was getting all involved on the bus today. i had the last of my nasty seame penut tofu noodle mush for lunch, so i could make my fave side dish combo for dinner tonight- cold gingered asparagus and couscous with touches of orange, dill and pistachio. i think it needs a third, though. perhaps something creamy? the last time i mixed salads i had too many creamies, i remember, and one was asparagus in dilled mustard sauce (which wouldn't work as it's more asparagus) and the non creamy was orange black beans and rice. but i can't remember the third! maybe i can search the blog. anyway i usally half both of these, but i didn't this time cause i had extra asparagus. i was totally thinking about persepolis while shelling all those pistachios. it should be noted, i can shell about 3/8 a cup of pistachios before going crazy. unforunately this recipie calls for 1/2 a cup. you all should count yourselves lucky i survived.


getting closer

i can taste it, but it's making me work less hard. the paper is typed and sent to mom for proofreading. that's the big thing. the model pieces are done, i just need to organize my research. and i've painted the renderings, i just need to add the colored pencil and marker details. and it's already 7pm. unfortunately, audrey and i left dishes that need to be done. i hate dishes. and there's a big bowl of peanut sesame noodles with tofu in fridge. ugh. i can't cook anything new until i eat them. they're slimy and smooshy. not yummy. i ate the risotto leftovers yesterday, so there's no excuse. i just realized it's the 30th- i need to get my end of the month movies and books together.


work work work

yesterday i woke up early and went to 14th street, got my model done, it looks good. if i had time i'd wax poetic about the colors of my fave garden, or the burms of lavender all over the place.

or i'd talk about all the soccer fans cheering on england at soldier field. but i don't. audrey came over and we had a lovely time. i told her i wasn't a christian anymore, and we're still friends. she doesn't like joe either, which always makes me happy. we had a lovely fancy salad-risoto-lil bunt cakes meal. she left for church this morning, and i got out my r+j books, and watched the commentary. i'm on the third page of the paper. lots of pages to go before i sleep.


miles to go

blech. too tired to work. must work. so much to do this weekend. audrey comes tomorrow. sigh. wish i could concentrate on her visit, but i must write this paper, build this model, do these paintings, etc etc etc. did finish pages for you, it was beautiful and poignant, in a jeffery eugenedies sort of way- sad, but you knew from the very begining what was going to happen, so the rest of the book was the gorgeous journey of getting there. the corners are very dogeared- much to write in my quote book. to share with you, most of the prologue:
"...we will never be together. sweetheart. i am too brittle, hidden, and snappish, and you are too married. you are alltogether too married. for those of us who've never known the state it sails past us like a cruise ship, lamps all on and parties raging, as the water gently or rockily allows you to sweep across it. we wave from our smug or perhaps lonely shores, waiting until the sea-scattered brightness has withdrawn it's silvery music, and we're left alone in the dark, on dry land, to carry on with our unfettered midnight explorations. he's a lovely man, your jasper, not that i know him. i know of his qualities by how he illuminates you- you can see all through your body and most particularly your face as you tell tales of your joint adventures... so alive are these narratives on your wantable mouth and in your essential eyes that i can watch them, movies in my quiet head to play when i'm at home, stirring in my empty rooms, waiting for my own ship to come in. It will come. they'll find room for me somewhere. someone will cough up an extra berth on some deck or another, or there will be a lucky last minute cancellation. who knows, maybe i'll even be given a seat at the captain's table to mingle with all the uniformed fellows and their glorifying wives. no- not the captain's table for me, probably. probably something more like table thirteen, with the insurance agents and medical eccentrics, where i can be fêted as a storyteller- really! but how wonderful! tell us, what kinds of stories?- and be allowed to sip my sparkling water without causing too much trouble. i'll sit at my table onboard and silently toast you, across the oceans, where you'll be sparkling at yours."



feeling ugly inside, ugly outside. yesterday we got a donation to the costume shop, and it was alot of '80's duplicates, so we were each allowed to raid. i snagged a leather skirt and a silver glitter belt. i wore the glitter belt today, with my fave jean skirt (the one of g's, with the high slits up the sides, a lime green short sleeved button down and this striped rainbow glittery tube top that a sent me. the the way the top has ties in the center that go around my neck is most unflattering. not that i have boobs, but if i did, it give the impression that they are floppy and low. and the slits weren't sexy at all today, they just exposed my skinny hairy calves and rediculous converses. curse those full length mirrored doors of the sears tower elevators. too tired to work. must work. have to work. spent most of the evening going to pay june rent, get my new keys. stopped by the library first and got more shakespeare books, and pages for you by silvia brownrigg. it's pretty magnificent so far, beautiful and a welcome escape from my hated life.



i'm feeling slimy inside, it's coming from anger and my hard heart towards justine. she's roadtripping to bloomington, but won't come to chicago. it's funny. i try to be completely honest on this blog, it seems to be what i need and what my readers like. and by all means, you should give your readers what they like! but i try to be kind to my readers- i'm much harsher on ch and esp. on g and my mother than i am on my friends i know read. heaven knows i complain plenty about a and z- but their good points far outweigh my minor whines. i feel like i have a much harder time with balance on justine. i feel i'm snide too much of the time. she's only what, 19? i remember how young i was at 19. and she talks about how cool i am. and in return i'm mean and sneer.
i guess it all comes down to the high price of friendship with me. i've confronted friends about it before. if i like you, i can be a really awesome friend. but i need to see that you care. you say that i'm important to me, i need you to show me. and i'm often thanked for my honesty and it's deepened the friendships. certainly with g and with mairee. i feel that justine is by far the most interesting cousin on that side of the family, and i feel like i've done some investing in her. i've followed after my mother and blazed the trail for oddness as the oldest cousin. she wears prada now, but i guided her to her first pair of chuck taylors (i'm still wearing her flags, 8 years or so after she grew out of them). she could see grandma's reaction to my nosering before she got her own. she was the 2nd person i ever came out to. i send her care packages, introduce her to stars, encourage her ani fixation, pepper my blog with quotes. on her blog, she titles my link "my blogging inspiration."
and of course, it all comes back to my own hangups. miserable and depressed, i spent my highschool years searching for an escape, looking for a place to run away to. i actually considered moving for the farm a time, so i could go to another school, perhaps find a place where i belonged. i did realize it'd be futile- if i couldn't find community or transportation in east pa, it certainly wasn't gonna happen in west pa. once i'd planned my escape, i had a summer of all sorts of experiences, and one of them was taking the greyhound to philly to visit jason at temple. i was shocked at how easy it was, to find this whole other life opening before me. i wondered how my life might have been different if i'd figured out how to get to a city earlier. i wonder who i would have become if i would have had an slightly older relative i could escape to, someone who was interested in me and cared about me, a safe place i could try out new ideas and independent life away from my parents. maybe if i'd been a bit older, and got to know aj before she was married and had kids and got saved... i mean, i did ok on my own. i have a polaroid cory took upside down of me on my bathroom mirror, with a shaved head sitting on the counter at work with the teleflora directory on my lap, and there's a quote from the newspaper taped to it. i don't know the name of the girl who said it anymore, but she was a jazz flautist, and she said, "when i came to chicago as an adult, i realized this was the only place i ever had found community- people who wanted to dream some of the same dreams as me."
does this sound like i want justine to move in with me so i can impart my pearls of wisdom on her eager ears? that's not what i'm trying to say. running away seems to be my particular issue, it's not a genetic or learned behavior on either side of my family. (heaven knows i was the only person not at my other grandma's funeral, which i still haven't forgiven myself for, even if z has.) i'm just starting to get myself figured out, i'm certainly not wise enough to give anyone else more than a listening ear and suggestions (ie advice you don't have to follow). i just feel that justine just gives me lip service, and this hurts me. our grandma will always love (and call and send letters to) her idea of me, which is so very different from who i really am. justine knows who i really am, and she think's that person's cool, but she doesn't really care. That's fine- there are lots of cousins i don't really care about, personally i mean, i care about them in a general sense because they're people and even more important, family. it's just she talks like there's something more. it makes me feel hurt and not cool enough and not particularly interesting. some people wear their smile like a disguise. those people who smile alot- watch the eyes. i know it cause i'm like that alot. you think everything's ok, and it is- till it's not. i don't know. i need to get to sleep. take some flower remedies. i've been having a gloomy day.
i'm adding this story from west pa here, at the end: mom called me a couple of weeks ago with gossip. my grandfather and mr dutch have been friends for forever, and she said, did you know the dutches had a gay son? i was shocked and surprised, and she told me about no one knowing him very well while they were all growing up together, and him going to nyc, and having occasional contact with the family. and the dutch granddaughter was recently married (she's a good friend of justine's, perhaps that's how this story fits into this entry?) and her gay uncle came to the wedding. i guess it was the first time everyone had seen him in a long time. but mom was calling to say the newest gossip was that he'd committed suicide. i guess everyone's talking about it- grandma said it was because he had aids. i'm so glad i get the gossip filtered through mom. i only get the interesting bits, and not as much judgement. and then she says, "so i guess i just want you to know you're not the first person to run away from west pa- no, wait- it was ME that ran away from west pa!" and at that point i was stuck on what to say next. yes, i thank her for taking me to the other side of the appalachians. yes, she's such a better mother than hers was. but does this negate some sort of radicalness for me? am i less of a person for running away from east pa instead of west pa? will i never be qualified to whine because i only spent summers in west pa? is there some sort of point value to radicalness that needs to be counted up and compared to each other? does justine get lower points than me cause she goes home for the summer? do i get lower points since my mom was so cool? i don't get it. even if there is some stupid count, and i loose, that doesn't negate that i spent all of growing up feeling like everyone in the family could relate and i couldn't. even those who didn't quite fit had some point of reference and i had none. i feel like i needed to run away and figure out who i was before i could come back and interact on my own terms. it makes me think of my dresses for my mother's wedding. in the pink flowered one i was a bitchy stressball florist, melting away emotionally. silently sobbing through the service. this is how i feel about my mother's wedding. then i went downstairs, and put on my purple dancing dress. and i twirled, and a kissed me, and i spun out of her arms and we went up stairs and i was the one who ordered justine's dad out on the dance floor and got the shy moving. and everyone says it's wonderful how caitlin is coming out of her shell, and kyleigh is the only one who trys to blow my cover.
now i'm spent. i hope this makes me feel better. what would be really nice was if i could sign online and post it.

blah blah

so sick of school. tired of thinking of it. wanna be done. too much work left. i stayed up too late so many nights in a row. i like work. perhaps i'll just drop out and work at the flower shop permanately. too many projects. and there's still busy work. read my last play ever for theater history, thank god. if i get all the stupid make-up absence work done and don't fail. the final nail in the coffin is the cripple of inishmaan. it's the first mainstage of next year, and i'm costuming it. so i just got the script and we have our first meeting next week. egads. i want it to be OVER. i wanna play with my ipod and move.
spent 30 min trying to post this. my blog's gone. 404 not found. sounds like a major error. i hope blogger can find it. well, otherwise all this offline writing is going to be irrelevant. i save my archives once a month, so i have everything up to april saved. if it's really lost and gone forever, that's 25 days of may gone. how sad. terribly sad.


quckly now

...as it's hours past my bedtime. but after school today, kendall came over and we watched romeo + juliet for our respective papers. and i was hungry, as i'd ridden my bike to and from school today. so i made a quiche first. and it took a long time. and kendall's paper is about midsummer, so we watched fairies first. then r+j. then i walked her to the bus stop and kept walking to g's, and she gooed my hair. organic root stimulator sucks. i need to get my mango lime rasta twist and lock gel again. lush's the strokes is nice, but doesn't smell as good. and i need to give in and get more real beeswax, the nasty sticky stuff. anyway. till tomorrow.


TRYING to be productive

due to your wild enthusiasm. and my wicked exhaustion, i am posting briefly before getting back to work. (brief! ha! me!) got up early yesterday morning and:
ate breakfast
showered and washed my hair
made a shopping list
put away my winter clothes and got out my summer ones
rode bike to bikeshop for checkup
rode bike to grocery store
talked to building manager about ending lease

as you may have noticed, none of these things involve schoolwork.
i did then go to the library, and found 1860s menswear, 1920s interior furnishings, and reviews of romeo + juliet... though by that time i'd run out of change, so i had to put the books on hold till i can come back and copy the info i need.
g came over and we made dinner together- it's been such a long time since i've cooked with someone, it seems. i think kristy visiting and us making sushi was the last time. it was a totally successful meal- mediteraranean vegetable stew with couscous and lemon-mint gremolata.

and orange filled chocolate crêpes with orange fudge sauce. i think g will be staying through july, so hopefully she'll help me move. i talked alot about my sexuality, same stuff i've been blogging, the wierdness of jessie and if i should come out to dad. i mentioned my theory that boys are either gay or straight and girls are somewhere in between. and she agreed, saying that girls aren't as stuck in their gender roles, esp. as children as boys are. and mentioning the male obsession with lesbianism, and saying "i asked joe what he would think if i kissed another boy and he said he'd be hurt, and angry. and then i asked him what if i was kissing another girl, and he said he would be confused, but it's not like he would mind. and i guess it's because if i was kissing another guy it would mean he was competeing with him for my affections, but since i'm straight he doesn't find another girl threatening.. although i can't think of a reason i would be kissing a girl." and i was very good, didn't say "i can think of a reason" or "joe should know there is competition, even if he is the undisputed winner" or any of the things i was thinking. i think she should kiss a girl sometime- you know, just for practice or something.

ANYWAY, when she left i typed up half my journal entries and went to bed. this morning i SLOGGED through the second half. it took me hours and hours. i wrote the first 5 pages in 2 hrs last night, and it took me over 4 hrs to write the next 6 today. it makes me really nervous about doing all my paintings, building my model, AND writing my research paper next weekend. especially if audrey's here. just got an evite from g & her roomate. they're having a birthday party that night, too. i may dress up just to show up. have a drink, then come back here and hang out with audrey. anyway. today i ate lunch and then:
typed up my prop list and set breakdown
added 3 pages to my creative nonfic final paper
sketched my last 4 renderings
transfered all 6 to watercolor paper
put in a load of laundry
and now i'm hungry and tired and do not wanna get my laundry or watch romeo + juliet. i wanna blog. obviously.



well, i figured out "vorlange" means template.
4 hrs later, i've learned a bit more html, and have the commenters in the sidebar, and purple titles.
i hope you're appriciative. meanwhile, i'm not allowed to blog again 'till at least next wednesday.



i shouldn't even be allowed to blog tonight. i wish i could set up a timer on my computer that lets me online for 7 hrs a week, and once i've used that up, that's it until monday. i just wasted time. i did every meme quiz there is on that stupid website. but i didn't wanna post them, cause i want comments on yesterday's post. sigh. but i read that americans spend an average of 4 hrs a day watching tv. and my online rating is still way below that, so i guess i'm ok. probably books and internet and movies together, that's about 4hrs. average a day. i think that's pretty good. but still- as a student with 2 jobs, i don't have that kind of time.
god! and i'm gonna be late on my credit cards AGAIN this month! i begged off the late fees last month, but you're only alowed to do that once. my credit check is so gonna fail with how lax i've been. thank god i can do it online, and they let me close my xmas account at the bank today. finding my apartment so soon makes me REALLY tight on money. i'm getting a huge tax return to pay for all my traveling this summer, but marty gave the wrong address when doing my taxes, so i fear it will never, ever get here.
yet, i keep wanting to shop. not quite to the extent of justine, but i've got 2 big things i'm looking for. neither a nor leah have a tapedeck in their car, and if i'll be roadtripping from delaware to colorado throughout the summer, i wanna listen to pearl. and the third roomate at work is conking out. it's skipping something terrible. ch took out all 200 disks and blew compressed air into all the nooks and crannies we could reach, but it didn't help. so you know what i'm looking at- FM transmitters. there's the itrip and the airplay... which do i want? it seems they're both expensive and both suck. and i'll need a cigarette lighter adapter, too. perhaps i should just haul around cds. or my speakers.
and the other thing- boots like pam. they don't make them, btw. it's not that hard. gothgirl boots. black. heels or platforms. laces. knee high. all those are easy to find. but then comes the clincher: size 4. it's hard enough to find size 4 shoes (that's 34 metric), but sexy shoes? no go. i've found spiky ones as small as 5, which is fine for combat boots, but if you're going to be wearing heels they have to fit.
and now it's another hour i've spent online. with my 15 item list to complete this weekend. sigh.


3 entries in one

lets see if i can remember them all:
1.babe, tell me when we're roadtripping
amy said i could post this pic if i cut carl off, so here she is:

someday i'll add photos to my 100 things, and then you'll know who all the characters are. stay tuned.

2. the acoustic motorbike
had pearl on shuffle leaving the house this morning. it was raining, but warmish, appropriate spring whether. i was rocking out to luka bloom's acoustic motorbike while leaving the building, and as i'm crossing my street, a guy on a bicycle wizzes by and smiles at me. he seems happy to be out, and doesn't mind the rain. he's pulling a trailer behind him, and in the trailer is a small child, five or six, with a helmet and adorable froggy raincoat. i will miss my neighborhood when i'm gone.

3. crawling out
so, i think jen must have said something in the costume shop. cause, well, it's a long story. there's this cement garden gnome that appeared in the shop. when we were playing dress up last week, i put a grey wig on him. the end of that week, someone put him in my cubby. i moved him to pam's cubby. on wednesday, he was back in mine, with a little note: "dear caitlin, i think you're a cutie. maybe you could come over to my mushroom sometime. we could raid an herb garden together. call me. luv g" now, i won't even go into the irony of the initial. i was so super charmed by the note. at the end of the day we were doing nothing. we'd been rolling scraps into little bundles all day, and we had like 3 clothesbaskets full of them. tom had left early, and it was pam, jessie, michelle, and grant hanging out around a cutting table. and we were talking about the gnome, and i read my note, and everyone's joking, and jessie's like, how do you feel about this, since he only has one hand, and is very small, and is cement, and is a man? it was very clear then, that she knew exactly what she was saying. and i KNOW she wasn't in the costume closet last year, the first time i'd ever come out to anyone, with jen and rebecca. it's weird, being out to people who i haven't told, who know other ways. i guess samir. g's roommates. it's nice, being out without having to deal with coming out. wish it could work this way with my dad. or MAIREE. i don't know what to do about her. she's so important to me, but this is so big for her. (have i mentioned that her wedding recieption is at her alma mater in wheaton, and there will be no drinking or dancing?) i find myself playing the same game i did with mom, "she's got enough stress right now, i'll tell her after the wedding." i think i'm gonna tell audrey when she comes. i think that will be the christian trial. other scary truth telling plans for the future: think i'm gonna come out to dad at the beach. there is absolutely no precedent. i don't know what he'll think at all. i know he's homophobic and very moral. but he also loves me very much and wants me to be happy and doesn't belive alot of churchy things. so i have no idea. also, i think i'm gonna tell g she's the object of my affection when she leaves. i feel i need to tell her for my closure, and if she's leaving anyway, it will be easy for her to completely walk away from it all, and i don't like living the dual life anymore- you all know that i am honest to a fault, not only can i not lie, i also require everyone to know every intimate detail of my life. so these are my new reveals planned. and i still feel stupid coming out without a girlfriend. it makes me glad to know grown-ups, like tre, still have to do it, coming out is a lifelong task, not just for the newbies.

meme again

from jamie's-

now, you're supposed to pick your 5 faves, but jamie did them all. so i'm just gonna do the ones i could imagine wanting to be. i just don't have enough imagination to think of being a scientist.

If I could be a scientist, I would ...
If I could be a farmer, I would ...

If I could be a musician, I would rock out all by myself with my cleverly named and well-decopaged guitar, and my sound will fill the whole stage. I would have cute dreadlocked groupies, and i would hate ani comparisons.

If I could be a doctor, I would...

If I could be a painter, I would have no white surfaces in my life. every wall, sidewalk, ceramic, and small child would be awash with color.

If I could be a gardener, I would create an urban garden with all of my neighbors so that our windowboxes would make a jungle out of the building.

If I could be a missionary, I would be an ethomusicologist, telling writing worship songs in people's native languages.

If I could be a chef, I would be famous for tiny dishes that look as good as they taste, and being based on the color wheel rather than the food pyramid.

If I could be an architect, I would

If I could be a linguist, I would speak as many, or more languages than jamie, and would travel everywhere to show off my skills.

If I could be a psychologist, I would be even more depressed because of all the people who i couldn't help.

If I could be a librarian, I would talk to everyone checking out about all the books they were reading and i would embarass all the teeny boppers checking out francesca lia block, but i'd also help them find nancy garden and sue hines and they would be greatful to me forever and bake me rainbow striped cookies.

If I could be an athlete, i would amaze everyone by my feats of heroic strength and skill competed by the tiny girl in the long skirt.

If I could be a lawyer, I would...

If I could be an inn-keeper, I would...

If I could be a professor, I would be loved by students and hated by administrators, assign huge projects, change my mind often, stick to the sylabus, not take attendance, require creativity and build relationships.

If I could be a writer, I would write the funniest damn blog that would make the whole internet read my books.

If I could be a llama-rider, I would...

If I could be a bonnie pirate, I would...

If I could be an astronaut, I would...

If I could be a world famous blogger, I would still reply to all my coments. also, would open the abovementioned inn to house visiting guests.

If I could be a justice on any one court in the world, i would...

If I could be married to any current famous political figure, I would cry at being left home alone, and be furiously jealous of all her other loves. so it sounds like a bad idea.

you're also supposed to make up one, but i did more than 5, so i think i'm exempt.
now i'm supposed to get 3 other bloggers to do it. i think samir should do it, to spice up his blog, i think justine should do it because she loves memes, and cecilia should do it, because she has such a lovely creative imagination she would think of 5 beautiful lines.


new cds

so 3 of my 4 amazon packages have come in the past two days. today rachel sage's smashing the serene came, yesterday monday morning cold by erin mckeown and stag by amy ray came. and.... a package from leah! she sent me a mix! rock on! i was so excited! it's good. the back reads well, things i know, new things, like k's choice and ben folds, that i know from the new music i've gotten from kira and z. it sounds more like jamie's mix, though- girl heavy (love that!) some really awesome stuff, some familar stuff, and a few i can't stand. i'm kinda overwhelmed by the breadth of kira's mixes, and so though i've been listening to them, i haven't analized them yet. i took monochromatic girl's quinisential tunes to work today- took leah's too, but hadn't listened to it all yet and was too afraid of explicit lyrics to play it- and it was really good. i think if she was a dj i'd listen to her radio station. that's the vibe i get, anyway. leah's new mix is crazy to listen to. it's like i can hear the mountians. it's all new, but it sounds like pa to me. i don't know- where ch is into lyrics, i think instrumentation is very important to leah. i feel like it's the music mom might listen to if she was 25 years younger and a lesbian. or something. anyway. i love them all, and they're all so different, and it's stupid for justine to be too intimidated to send me one, really, she's just a wimp. i need about 150 more songs to beat out my dad's itunes, so i think that's doing a bit of fueling of my mania.
hey, talking about my mom, her stepdaughter had her baby today. so now i'm a stepaunt on both sides. it's much too intimate sounding a word for someone i've only met once, at the wedding, i think.
wasted so much time online! talked to z, and justine, and g before writing this. they all were sensible and signed off. and here i am, blogging. how rediculous.


comment replies, III

first, i gotta tell you:
I SIGNED MY LEASE TODAY!!!! i still have to pay first month's rent next week (when mom's check arrives) but i have an official copy- rock rock rock on! so excited! am going to start packing tonight, i think! i'll get the keys when i pay first month's rent, and can start moving stuff slowly until july 1, the official move in date.
ch came to look at it with me, and the closet is smaller than i remembered it. but ch thinks it's bigger than my current space, and it utilizes space really well. ch loves the kitchen, like jamie. all the built in cupboards and drawers are a real draw. did i tell you about the place i went to visit, where you opened the door and it banged against the stove? the kitchen was just the applliances lined up in the hallway, with the bathroom on the other side of the hall wall. it was really bad. and the closet space of a european appartment. my apartment is very american in the closet department! it has a german feature, though: a really big bathroom. i mean, for a studio. and there's a linnen closet in there. i do love a good wardrobe, but yes, it is sad that germans don't have good closets. i keep hearing about european kitchens, and i don't know what that means- small refrigerator, maybe? i can't believe i was able to find a place so quickly. kira, i hope your second look went as well as mine did. it was really nice to have someone else there saying i should get it. i can't imagine trying to find a place to satisfy the lists of 2 people! i hope yours grows on you- and how could it not, with a good kitchen- which reminds me- how did your black beans and polenta turn out?
as for JT, yes, that's how i started reading your blog, actually, cause you're here in chicago! it's funny, cause my flowershop is in the sears tower, just across the street from the french pastry school- i've delivered flowers to your kitchen before. i think it's strange we work within a few hundred yards of each other at such different jobs! thanks for your encouragement.
a, thanks as always. your comment sounds anne lamottian. it's always nice to hear that i should be more forgiving of myself, rather than what i feel i deserve, which is more along the lines of, "shut up about the bitch already! she's not worth it!" which of course i can't do. i tried to post your pic, but flicr's down. so everyone: stay tuned, pic of a coming soon!
as for now, lets just say i have 3 happy packages that i've been saving to open. and i'm going to RIGHT NOW!


not about comments

which is too bad, as you've all left wonderful ones, but i'm going to be up too late again tonight. i have to meet luke tomorrow and give him as much money as i can scrounge up. and if my credit check goes ok, it'll be MINE! well, in 7 weeks.
anyway. g and i watched kissing jessica stein last night, finally. i broke all my rules. i burbled about my new place without her asking. i stayed too late. i bugged her about not calling me. i AM trying to love myself.
tonight i made mashed roots and roasted veggies from student veggie again. i used asparagus instead of potatoes in the roasted veggies, and they were a delightful taste sensation- the orange roots with the green and brown mushrooms and asparagus. yum!



i'm going over to g's. can you believe it? i make myself sick.
i should tell her to screw herself, and try and get more sleep tonight. the thought of moving fills me with anxious insomnia and new apartment dreams.


the great apartment search

today was the day, kiddos. i checked out 7 different studios and 5 different buildings. and i've already found the one i want. i can't believe it's true, that it could be so easy. i was getting a bit discouraged, after the first 3 buildings, thinking i would never find an el stop i felt comfortable at, a neighborhood that felt good, or a studio big enough to hold all my stuff. the first building had a terrifying elevator- the kind with the metal grid doors you have to pull shut. you could see into the shaft, which i just hate- nightmare characteristic. the kitchens were these tiny rooms- smaller than my closet. i'd rather just have a wall of appliances than have such a small room. and they had murphy beds (the kind that fold out of the walls like rodger rabbit), which would have been totally cool when i was first looking for a place, but now just take up space.
the second place i didn't even go into, it was too far away from the train, and the walk was not nice. i mean, it was fine on such a beautiful day as today, but would not be ok at 3am with high heels.
the third place was highly recomended by ch, as rafael used to live there, and it was funky. i didn't really like the el stop, but the manager lady was so nice i thought it would be ok. but when she opened up the front door- it banged aganist the stove! when you first walk in, the wall with the kitchen is immediately on your left in the entry hallway! and the bathroom is on the left. the studio space was small, and the closet wasn't worth talking about- barely a foot deep and less than 3 feet wide. i had a bigger closet in my tiny bedroom growing up in reading. it was $515 and she said she'd have a bigger place avail. next week for $585. that's a good bit over my budget, but i thought perhaps my expectations were too high.
and then i met luke.
so the el stop is funny. the "grandeur" (place #3) is east of the tracks, but walking under the tracks is a quick change in neighborhood. the walk to magnolia is much more comfortable, and the 3 blocks north from there are beautiful- it's like hyde park, big brick houses, three flats and mansions, lots of trees, very residential. luke is totally charming- i'm so sad he's just the real estate guy, not my contact after i start paying rent. he said he was going to move here when he got sick of his roomate. and i adore it. it's like it was fulfilling my checklist. well, it's right in between the loyola and granville stops of the el, so that's bad- it's a bit of a hike- but no farther than ch's. and much, much nicer. so that's the only thing that can't be completely checked off. it will be cold in the wintertime, but i can walk fast. i can buy a little cart for my groceries. and it's: big- check. about the same sq. ft. as i have now. closets: check, check and check! it has three. yes, three. a linen closet in the bathroom, a hall closet when you first come in, and a huge closet with french doors and a window. i may make it my sewing room as well as my closet. good kitchen: check. about 4 people can cook at once, as opposed to 2 in my current kitchen- i should be able to fit my dining room table in it. adorable little hutch with cupbords and drawers. brand new real marble floors. only downside- gas range. south windows: check. also, north windows in the kitchen and bathroom for crossbreeze. balcony: check. actually, it's a julet balcony- about 6 inches deep. i can hang windowboxes from the railing, have little pots on the sides, and, if the wind isn't too strong and the side of the building not too dirty, hang my laundry up! it has other lovely features- a small building, 2nd floor walkup, hardwood floors newly varnished, and a pink bathtub. please. how can you not adore a pink bathtub? you can see actual pictures here.
it seems too easy. i'm sure i'll fail my credit check, he'll forget and give it to someone else, they won't think i make enough money or something. but boy oh boy am i excited!



well, first off, dvds are pretty impressive. i love having netflix, and it being so easy to watch, say, almodovar films. just watched master and comander on my computer- long, boring, and hollywoody i found it, but i was most sad to see how i couldn't pick out cory. couldn't even find his name in the credits- or even toms, for that matter, though judy was right where she was supposed to be. i thought at least in the group shots i'd be able to see him- he was supposed to have a name, for goodness sakes!- but it seems everyone was cut except russel crowe and the cute blond kid... oh well. i guess the extended mexican vacation was all that was really important. i'm sad i wasted 2 hours of my life, though. anyway, i'm watching m&c, ch is watching flower of my secret. and you know, he's got that spiffy camera phone, so he can take pictures like this:

and then he can message it to my email, where i can upload it to flickr, then post it on my blog. i told him i would. aren't subtitlos fabulous?

i'm going to be looking at apartments all day tomorrow (umm, and homework, yeah, that too...) and so needed to go grocery shopping today. the bribe was stopping by rajun cajun for overpriced overspiced lame indian food for dinner. (it was worth it!) however, i can't seem to walk to the fruit and veggie store without stopping in hyde park records. i thought i was doing really well, until an LP caught my eye... and then i started digging. got a new (well, new for me...) jethro tull that i'm exctited about. looked in o, as always, for otr's ohio. i was heading towards d to look for ani's little plastic castle remixes, which is stupid, becuase who would give it away? and there is always SO MUCH dylan to dig through. so i just went right to e, and struck gold- eurhythmics and everything but the girl! got one of each- so that's 3 LPs for $11. how fun! the etbg is REALLY 80's- i don't know if i'm gonna be able to deal, as i'm familiar with the acoustic version of some of the songs. but the cover's beautiful, so that's good enough, no?

but now i'm gonna take a bath- i must get up early tomorrow to get all the way up north in time for my first viewing!


bonnets and fishnets

ok, so we're listening to an euryhtmics song at work today. and ch is discribing yet another savage video to me. he's saying that in this one, annie lennox is wearing a bonnet. i think i go help a customer, then he says casually when i get back, leah and i were talking about you wearing a bonnet.
i of course want desperately to know what they were talking about me when i was gone! ch said it was the comparison between the sunbonnet wearing caitlin and the fishnet and false eyelash wearing caitlin. i'm trying to remember what i looked like when i dressed up in high school. i never really had reason to. no, actually, i did dress up for church. i wasn't going to a church i could wear fishnets and false eyelashes to, though. i didn't want to be sexy in high school, i don't think. i think i was still angry at my body for abandoning me, and forcing me to grow up. long gauze skirts, silk shirts, halters and stuff in the summer, i think. for all i am ashamed to show my calves, i've never had a problem with plunging necklines.
i'm trying to remember when janette at berkshire baptist gave me my first sunbonnet. we went to berkshire baptist from about 8th grade to 12th grade. it was definately pretty early in that period, and then i made a pattern and made many other bonnets after that, with varying success (you really need buckram or serious interfacing to make the brim stiff enough.) i met leah in 12th grade (do you know this story? her little sis drug her to berkshire bapist's youth group's wednesday night prayer meeting, where i was leading worship. she brought along a sketchbook she had made with "...and it was my rebirth" written on the front, along with a picture of a floating bottle.) and i prayed alot for her. i was going through a wildly swinging phase, that year and the next that i spent with the brethren. i could never quite decide if i wanted to be a radical pierced punk rawk grrl or a head-covered, no pants wearing, Plain christian.
i think i ended up choosing the first on almost all accounts, except i won't give up my sunbonnets. they keep your part from getting sunburnt, as well as your nose, you don't have to take them off when you go inside, and they immediately make you look funky. i don't know if ch has ever even see me wear one. he says the most memorable time he remembers of me wearing a sunbonnet was at the indigo girls concert 4th of july at taste of chicago two years ago, and we didn't even meet up then. i thought i wore it to the pride parade, but i think i had pigtails instead.
i remember the last thing i've ever bought at wal-mart. i was visiting home xmas after my first year in this apartment. and i saw these heeled knee high black boots small enough to fit me. i bought them and it revolutionized my wardrobe- suddenly, i could wear short skirts and my calves would still be hidden! it was right after this that i wore my first pair of fishnets- the girls at 6109 s greenwood were throwing a girl's night in drinking party, and we were supposed to dress up and look fabulous. i was still charmed by xians who drank, and i borrowed black fishnets from g, and had her do my makeup. i didn't have my own pair until my step sister's wedding. i was spending my first serious time in nyc right before, and was staying with my guru cory. and so he and i went shopping at h&m (which wasn't yet in chicago) to find me something apropriately fabulous to wear. i got the dress and headband in my old profile picture, and black tights with red fishnets overtop- pretty cool. i have my own black pair now. they keep your legs suprisingly warm.
eyelashes are even newer- just from this fall. you can click on oktober's archives for the full story.
so what were ch and leah's ruminations about my sunbonnets vs. fishnets and false eyelashes? i'll probably never know. but these are my ruminations on them.


auf deutch

ok, how come every few weeks more of blogger is in german? first it was just the dates, then some forms. then all of a sudden i got " Dies kann ein paar Minuten dauern, wenn Ihr Blog sehr groß ist" now i've got "veoöffentlichen, Einstellungen, Vorlange, and Blog anzeigen." i have no idea what Vorlange is. i'll have to click on it to see.
today was an awesome day in the costume shop. i mean, i went to class before this, but work is the only thing worth blogging about. she stoops to conquer starts previews tomorrow night, so we had very few notes left to do. and we had our load out pizza party, since everyone's only there on wednesday. then pam and michelle and i were putting checked in stuff away. during a show, if anyone returns stuff, we just hang in on the rack or dump it in big piles around the rack- we had some serious putting away to do. pam was wearing a nazi hat and a orange silk lei. i found this fabulous red wig- it was a long super 80's updo- i looked like bonnie rait or reba mcintire. michelle put a goofy blue wig on that matched her shirt. then she found this rocking bustle which she strapped on her backside. we put alot of stuff away, we weren't hiding in the back of the closet gossiping, as is sometimes done, but we were having a really good time doing it, dressing up and stuff. pam added these glittery glasses with yellow lenses and a white wig- she went from hawaiian nazi chick to elton john. i put on a leather fringed cowgirl skirt. michelle put on enormous legwarmers. chris was working on the last pannier- it seems it's all he does. the plastic tubing they used wasn't enough to hold up all the fabric balanced on them, so he's reinforcing them with foam tube insulation. it's crazy. when he has to go to stage makeup, i take over, tacking down the little bits of twill tape holding the 1.5" tubing in place. Elyz was playing this awful french stuff this morning, all acordions, it was terrible, driving everyone crazy. so i put on an ani d mix first, then the monsoon wedding soundtrack, which is popular round there, and finally jill sobule. jessi was like, "i bet you know all the words to i kissed a girl, don't you caitlin?" i'm like, is this an innocent question, or are you trying to tell me everyone in the costume shop knows i'm gay? the actress playing Mrs Hardcasle came in to be fitted. her costume is crazy. we all danced around her, handing diffrent parts to tom- first he laces up her corset (and it's some serious boning) and then puts the panniers on her hips. next comes her underskirt, and there's another skirt thing on top of that. her apron gets snapped on that, then the overskirt-bodice-stomacher combo deal on top. it's wild. how can she move. she says there are 3 positions she can put her hands. after frances left, we tore it apart and each person got a piece. i got my panniers back, and michelle started working on the other end, and we did get them done by five. i'll have to go see it this weekend. homework? what's that?


what they think of me

samir: "I don't really know why I decided to start up the blog, I think my inspiration is Caitlin. It's always interesting to read her blog, although she is a much more interesting person that I ever could be (if you ever met her, you'd know) ;)"

kira: "You should pay a visit to get a good feel. I know you’ve been here before, but I bet you’d fall into a crowd right away. You seem really outgoing."

nan: "Caitlin. I admire your ability to look at this situation as an opportunity, not a low blow. I have such fond memories of my times with you in your peaceful and inviting home and your grace- and joy-filled hospitality."

does anyone else think this fits the character they've met on this blog? i mean, i'm not one to turn down complements, and i'm truely happy that those are the things that are coming across. but i certainly don't feel like any of those things, not interesting or outgoing or optimistic and hospitable. i feel, in fact, pretty lonely and whiney. and even when i'm not actively lonely or whiny, i think i tend to be so here. nan remembers when i used to be an xian and have friends and be hosptitable. now i have too much homework. no, i still love to have visiting guests, but i can't seem to have people for dinner anymore. i've never called michael. amberlee- i'm totally embarassed about ignoring her. i'm SO snobby about who i become friends with! sometimes i worry no one in chicago is worthy.
i think what it is that i do right, my little part of acting "as if," is not being outgoing, but going out. i like being independent (or at least i tell myself i do) and i'm not afraid to go out, or come home, alone. if i had to wait for a date before i went to a restauraunt or a party or a concert, i'd be in big trouble- esp. if i waited for one who would walk me home. watching movies in grant park is about the only thing i won't do by myself. i don't really like plays, either, as i prefer having someone to talk to at halftime. but i really like going to movies and dinner by myself (with my book, of course!) NOT that this means not to invite me! it just means...
well, it just means i look interesting and outgoing, apparently. but don't be decieved. i'm actually a very boring, introverted hermit.


what you've been waiting for

i've been feeling smothered by my classes. i've been listening to my coming out mix, trying to fix the order, and it's been so nice. but today after styles and crafts, i was REALLY bitter about having to go to set design. when i got there, no one was there, and so i wondered- did i screw up? was i supposed to go to the library or something? so i left, and i thought how excited i was to be walking in beautiful 70s 100% humidity chicago listening to my ipod. but then at 14th street i ran into 3 of my 4 classmates. so i went back. but chris, the one who wasn't there, had all the drawings, so we couldn't do anything anyway. after 45 min, i decided to skip, and as i was leaving chris was coming in. i told him not to get me in trouble, then i walked to my favorite gardens at roosevelt and michigan. i laid down under an angel between the tulip burms, absorbed the humidity, listened to pearl. it was so refreshing to be outside, lying down, listening to good music! after lunch and work in the costume shop, frances's class was seriously shortened due to her teching she stoops to conquer. so now i'm home, and feeling like getting alot done! i canceled some credit cards i've collected, and now i'm making mixes for jamie. after this, i'm gonna mail out packages and pay bills. and i'm gonna do it all before the sun goes down!
as far as fall classes, i've got some extra space and am thinking of getting a women and gender studies minor. what do you think?
i've already made some apartment decisions. i'm gonna try and move july 1st. i'm gonna be sad to leave this place, but i've gotten excited about moving north. yes, you read that right. i'm leaving hyde park- but isn't it sad sometimes, isn't it lonely, how i hang around here with nothing to hold me. g's going to costa rica to teach english in january, and before that she's gonna get a job in california-or chicago-or texas. not enough reason to live in hyde park. ch is really excited. it's fun to talk about, and read ads, but we'll see how into it i am when it comes to visiting and deciding. I've been making lists. i want to live off the red line, or brown line, or lsd express buses. i must be able to feel safe walking home at 3am in heels and false eyelashes. and there has to be a place to put my bike. Oh, and i refuse to live someplace with east facing windows, lake view or not. I would adore a large closet, a walk in, eat in kitchen, and a balcony. i'd like a little building rather than another highrise, and i don't want a garden appartment. do you think that will be too hard to find?
and finally, some pictures!
spring weekend and RIT
me sexy in kitchen and g's rings
set design model
life is a dream renderings


much, much, much less fabulous

so we woke up at 7.30 the next morning. leah says, "well, i think we were asleep for all of 20 minutes." i don't know about her, but i was definately still drunk. i spilled my water during breakfast, and she still had glitter from the eyelashes on her cheeks- we were a portrait of the morning after, the aura of last night's fun still visible if you really squint. leah was so impressed that i'd remembered to hard boil eggs the night before when were washing dishes. (did i tell you that she is my perfect chore mate? she loves dishes and hates laundry.) but i felt very german with the lovely little breakfast i'd pulled off- bagels, kiwi fruit, eggs, tea. over breakfast, we talked about (back to this AGAIN, i know) her friend in lansing she's going to see, who is going to jump on her and hug her as soon as she gets off the plane, and leah doesn't like it much, and so calls herself cuddling deficient. i'm just horrified by this, and tell her that there is no deficiency here, it is merely being selective. i shared my fears of being a passive rather than an active cuddler- i find this a much larger inadequacy. but she encouraged me. she says, "the next morning, you always think back,wonder if there's anything you should regret, you wonder, did i really convince some guy to show charles his nipple rings after knowing him all of five hours?" someday, i am going to spend more than 24 hrs at a time with leah, and maybe we will eventually run out of conversation. but the feeling is always that there is never, could never be enough time- the moments are just too fleeting- it's like being with ruth or meike. a, i know she'll always be there for me, but with leah and ruth, there's this sort of amazement- how could anyone as cool as they are be MY friend? it won't last- as soon as they're half way across the country (or world) they'll forget about me.
i put leah and her backpack on the bus, and headed off to work.
MISERY! ch was still drunk too, i think, and i thnk he held it against me. jim was more annoying than ever. it was the longest day of my life. got cheerful texts from leah. glad i didn't have to be on vacation, work was bad enough. i'm really proud, i sent her to lansing exhausted and hung over, with glitter in her eye sockets. take warning y'all- come visit me in chicago, you too will leave this way. the day got much worse about 2, when i moved from drunk to hungover. i keep trying to say it's lack of sleep, but i think it was certainly alchohol, too. why am i so embarrased to be hungover? i was trying to drink alot of water, and every time i went to the bathroom, ch said, "do you need me to hold your hair out of your face for you?" which i think is just about the sweetest thing ever. ricky, our delivery driver, was totally laughing at me. he's much gruffer with ch, but i think i totally charm him. ch said he was bailing on hedwig, but i wasn't gonna eat my ticket. g's done with her ba, and she was ready to party, but i think she was just as tired as me. i told her that if i didn't call by 10, call me. i took a nap, a shower, blogged, nibbled. she came over, and we lazily left the house. the bus took 20 min to come, and we had to take a cab from downtown. the awfulness was surreal- neither of us had enough cash, and his card meter was broken, so we had to stop at an atm on the way. sigh. we still had to wait in line about 5 min. when we got our cushy seats and saw the band's instruments up front, though, we both got excited. it was a really good show. hedwig's wig was awful, though. she's supposed to be fabulous looking, the height of glamor. just look at the front cover of the movie box. i understood the ending much better than in the film. the sidekick- yosif or yanik or whatever her name is- she was really good. and the music, of course, rocked. g says she wants the soundtrack- she agreed with the review, "the first rock musical to really rock" but the train ride home was awful. i was so tired, and sick of talking about leah, which i had to do since i hadn't blogged yet, and just kept thinking about the ride home the night before. g didn't make good conversation. g was bored. there were delays getting into 35th- only one track. there were high school boys making eyes at us, yelling and whistling at us from the back of the car. (ignoring is the right response, yes? or should i engage them distainfully? i don't have alot of experience.) even the conductor was making eyes at us. joe came to 35th st to pick us up. wasn't that sweet of him. it makes me feel kinda slimy. g has never waited at 55th and the dan ryan by herself. she's always in a pack, or at least with someone else. my life is just so different. so home at 3.30 again friday night, and up at 8.15 to get to work. i felt much better, and it was nice to be all by myself in the shop. ch had left a good bit of work for me to do, and i was arranging SO SLOWLY that it took me almost the whole day to get my tasks done. left at 2, came home, did a project, but then proceded to sign online for 6 hrs. scheduled for classes for next fall, downloaded all my pics from my webpage, wrote those super long posts, downloaded some songs....
and now it's the next day, and i still have homework to do, and i'm still procrastinating. i will tell you about moving, and post my new pictures, and classes for the fall tomorrow. i promise. i'm catching up, very slowly.


fabulous preparations

note: 1 of 2 posts. if you wanna read in chronological order, this one comes first.
i should be doing homework, but of course all i want to do is talk about leah, and with comments being left begging me to, well, how can i resist?

so, we got home and leah, of course, loves my apartment. i would be nervous about any friend who didn't. we decide the recipie for the night is rarebit, even though she works at a fondue restaurant. i feel like it's already been too long, like i'm going to forget so much. i wizzed through the time at home when i was starting to type this before g came over last night. but today, as i was reheating the beerspiked cheese sauce, i remebered this conversation:
c: so, do you have a preferance regarding your potato skins?
l: (stops, considers.) um, yes.
c: really? is your preference with skins or without?
l: with, please.
this is not merely to show her good taste in choosing skins. it's also a lovely little example of choosing- jamie just posted about this. there are so many people who would say no, not have an opinion. leah would never say, "you aren't peeling those are you? cause i hate that." but she stops to see if she has a preference, and when she discovers she does, she voices it. we love that.
while we ate dinner, she looked through pictures of mine. hundreds of them, and she showed no signs of stopping. and she made all these appropriate comments:
on g: "she's very sexy. i can understand why you're sweet on her." (isn't that the cutest phrase? sweet on? i'm charmed.)
on marty: "What! he's so OLD! but your mom does look happy. man. he does look like woody allen."
on me dressed up: "oh my goodness, caitlin, look at you, you're so beautiful."
this inspires me- we should totally get dressed up tonight. i wear my righteous babes halter, velvet suit jacket from germany, blue satin skirt, fishnets, boots. she wears these sexy pants, and this amazing shirt: cap sleeves that ruffled at the hem, rouching on the bust to make the front a vneck, and the back was a perfect curve outlining her tatoo. her tatoo is right where i want mine to be. both beth and g are done with school now. we'll see if this gets me a design any faster. anyway, i'm all, it's totally a night for fasle eyelashes. and she says, "oh yes. we totally should wear eyelashes." i think she meant it as a colaborative we, but i took it as a literal we- did she want the black glitter or the purple lamé pair? she backpedals a bit, says maybe she'll try them on, but she doesn't think she can wear them out. and she does try them on- the thin black ones with the glitter. we discover she can only wink her right eye, and i apply the left one for her. it's amazing how much easier it is to do to someone else than to yourself. ok go's you're so damn hot is playing on itunes as i write this. it's so appropriate. they looked fabulous on her. and SHE WORE THEM OUT. ! . Can you believe it? i think this is amazing and beautiful. i, of course, will wear just about anything anywhere, but for all of my friends, i can't convince them ever that this fashion choice is a good one. occasionally i can persuade g. but mairee or ch or a? forget about it. but leah? she said, "i think false eyelashes are part of my pilgrimage." i think it's an incredible honor to be the first stop on someone's pilgrimage.

fabulous evening

note: 2 of 2 posts. please read this one second if you want the evening in chronological order.
so there we are, looking fabulous, on the #6. she says to me, "you only have 2 responsibilites tonight: to navigate us home, and to not stay out later than you can handle." it made me feel good, the way she said, i know you get yourself home late and drunk, so i have no worries you'll get us back safely. perhaps she was still self consious about the eyelashes. i'm used to keeping a personal eyelash awareness up- it was odd to be paying more attention to the adherence and comfort of someone elses eyelashes (well, theoretically my eyelashes on someone elses eyelids). we walked to t's in andersonville, where we'd meet ch and johnny b. i'd never been there before, but ch wanted to try in on the review in time out chicago: "... the gay men sit in the front room, the lesbians flirt in the back room, and the straights walk back and forth confused." when we were trying to decide where to go, ch had asked, "now, leah, is she a beer person or a wine person or a whiskey person?" and i had no idea. i asked her, and she said, "whisky, or wine person.. although beer's ok if that's what we've got." i had my melon sour, and she had diet and whisky. this is another flashback- all those bottles of diet pepsi rolling around in the back of her car. of couse whisky. it seems like everyone i love drinks like an old homeless man! i told her how g drinks whisky sours, and ch drinks bourbon 7s. he and johnny b come in about then, and ch has his bourbon 7. score! the vibe continues to be good between ch and leah, and i'm so glad. you would think all the people i love would love each other, but experiences with ch and a not getting along and z&s not being impressed with g make me nervous. but there's nothing to fear with ch and leah. she had said she felt really good vibes from him at the flowershop, and i guess that made her all the more charming, and let me tell you, no one can resist leah's charm. next round was mine- she'd been talking with ch re: his choice, but i screwed up and got whisky and 7 for leah, tom collins for me. we had a bit of a discussion as to what makes up a tom colins. gin, lime juice, sure, but what else? leah's a bartender, but at a chi-chi place where she makes fancy martinis. an aside of my fave story:
"i carded this guy the other night, and he was all surprised. and i get his id, and he was born in 82- come on. you're only 23, that's plenty young enough to card. and he says to me, 'that's ok, it saves me the trouble.' and i say, 'the trouble of what?' and he says, 'the trouble of introducing myself.' " i gape at her, shocked by what bigger jerks her customers are than mine. "what did you do?" i asked. she looks right at me, makes a little nod, and an informed em sound, and says "well," looks at the imaginary id she's holding with a straight face, looks back at me, "...brian, what can i get you to drink?" and hands me the imaginary id. it's the look that makes it so funny. i wish i could post a movie link.

so there's this theater company promoting at t's. leah gets us kamakaze shots, and we eat fries, but there is this INCREDIBLE movie trivia contest going on. it's like 100 questions. and there's all these catagories. perhaps they didn't realize about 10 questions is the most drunk bar patrons can handle. leah and ch kept answering them- my movie trivia is a little better via netflix, but still not great. leah and ch were totally bonding over pop culture. if i was the new friend, it would have been awful, but since they were both my good friends, i was enjoying their bonding, that they were fulfilling a roll for each other i could not fill. however, when the guy with the mike announced, section 5- anagrams! we just about shot our drinks out our noses. no, i said. we CANNOT stay for this. did we have another round? i don't think so, but i know i was cheerfuly tipsy by this time. but they were really tall drinks. ch and johnny b had gone out for mexican before meeting us (how had i not mentioned this? or johnny b's adorable cinco de mayo sombrero?) so i didn't know if we'd be be able to convince ch to go to the second location with us. i didn't mention the rule of barhopping- the second location is always lame. we stood on clark considering- south is the bathouse- naked men. the eagle- the leather bar. we couldn't get in- they have a strict dress code. we started walking north, and ch called johnny b, who told us of a good second location. it wasn't crowded, and they were playing music from ch's youth. there was a dance floor with a small platform, but no one was dancing- leah was sad. we only had one round there, and we were ready to move on. it was pretty lame, but that doesn't curse the 3rd location...
ch was again trying to decide- home or out with us. we discussed going to boystown, but ch finally decided- BIG CHICKS. he figured it'd be safe on a thursday night. ( big chicks, as you may remember, is the bar ch&r met at, and one of the things ch lost in the divorce.) the dance floor was closed there, which was TOTALLY sad, but we still had a rocking time. leah holds her drinks really well- i was sad to be the weakest stomach. i don't mind being behind ch, as he's twice as big as me, but leah can't weigh a pound more. not that i was puking in the bathroom or anything. i still had my citron cosmo, free shot at midnight, and amaretto sour. instead of the usual boyporn they were playing 80s videos on the tvs, and ch and leah were singing and dancing along. i felt surrounded by love, with them both touching me and singing to me. i don't really understand this obsession of mine with touch (read: i understand the obsession with listing my wardrobe and drinks). i think it has to do with so rarely being touched sober. it makes me hyper aware when an unconcious hand on my shoulder or leg happens. it's all hard to remember now- it's like a scene in a movie, with some sort of smoke and dark lighting, a type of drunken fog. but trust me, it was awesome, very much fun. ch was checking out some guy, and he was lifting his shirt to his friends. a bit later, leah leaves for a couple of minutes, and comes back later with the guy. she says, "i just met derrick- i'd like to introduce him to you. derrick and i were talking about how we have new piercings." leah touches her nose. i touch my ear, saying, "mine's not very interesting." derrick shows us his nipples. after he goes away, we laugh, no one really believing leah just did that. at the end of the night, ch is talking to michael (i won't even get into that story!) and leah's standing behind me. she puts her arms around my waist and lays her head on my shoulder. i put my hands over hers and lean my head in and we settle together. it's this feeling of perfect fit, being two soft girls whose hips and shoulders match. the same way meeting michael helped confirm i am a lesbian, standing with leah was the same feeling- not the absence of feeling for the übercrushable michael, but this overwhelming comfort of- this is what it's like for girls to be together. Being hugged by charles is an enveloping feeling, and his coarse hairy maleness is inherently protective. but the power there still gives me this tiny bit of panic deep inside my small, fragile body. g and i don't touch very often- there's the electricity, and i try to cover myself in emotional insulation so i don't get shocked. a. man, i don't know how describe it with a. so often, it seems the inherent feeling is of wrongness, like we're exploiting our friendship for things it shouldn't be just cause we want it so much.
on the train ride home, leah and i were cuddling, silly drunk. when we were first going out she was worried she wouldn't be as interesting as my ipod, but she talked to me the whole way home. again, it's hard to remember- i remember seeing the signs for grand out the window when she exclaimed, "wait- you slept with a!" i remember her talking about her discontent in philly. i remember reciting the el stops to her, proving i could safely get us home. the other picture i wish i had was watching her on the train, from her shoulder- seeing her looking down at me, the foreshortened curve of her cheek, her mouth telling me all sorts of wonderful things, and those awesome false eyelashes, seeing them from the bottom where all the glitter is. remembering makes me sing one of my rockin new songs on not so soft, "we can touch- touch our girl cheeks, and we can hold hands like paper dolls." the next ani line is "we can kiss- kiss goodnight" and makes me wonder if i should have tried to kiss her. i'm not saying i should have- or that i know it would have been wrong if i did. it was really incredible, this comfort in place- we are friends, and this is what friends do, and isn't it nice, and it doesn't have to be the first step before jumping into bed together. i'm not sure what's been going wrong in my head that i haven't been able to apriciate cuddling for just itself before this- it's always been either this is a little creepy and i'm feeling uncomfortable, or this isn't enough, i want more, keep going, ache. anyway, too much digression. there still is more night to tell!
when we got home, we did the dishes, and finished off our stories and the white wine. we watched fairies- my first time since i got my replacement dvd. she liked it, but it's a great movie to watch drunk. finally, finally, we succumbed. peeled off our eyelashes, brushed our teeth, and went to bed.

this may be the longest post i've ever written. thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading the whole thing. it's taken me over 2 hours to write. i think it's worth it. but if you don't comment on it, i may cry.


20 hrs. of fabulousness

g's coming over in a few minutes, but i must at least start telling you about leah's trip here! it was even better than i had imagined. really wonderful, and much to short. no wonder i was so excited!
leah arrived about an hour late, and she successfully found her way to the sears tower. she met ch and jack and jim (!) and then we went to the art institute. it was so fun to go through my fave galleries with someone who knows alot about art history. what famous paintings are here? she aked when we were getting our tickets. i said, the saurat, waterlilies, etc. i was rather terrible about it- we kept walking in on paintings i'd forgotten. picasso's blue guitarist is one of her favorite paintings, and she was so surprised and charmed to see it here. also, the rene magrette with the train and the fireplace. van gogh's bedroom. i kept going, oh yeah, that one too! she laughed at me. if we lived in the same city... well, if we lived in the same city, we'd be dangerous. she's gonna teach me to apriciate modern scupture. just wait. i asked her what she thinks of pollock, and she shocked me by telling me, almost word for word, what I think of pollock. it was a pretty awesome moment. we do like different things, but it's fun to meet old friends together- and also to explain to each other what is so marvelous about something particular. i'm embarrased to say we almost skipped the surrealist wing- there are only a few things i like there, not alot of bright colors. but she loves joseph cornell, and the art inst. has a million of his boxes. i've never really noticed them before, and it was so cool to see her enthusiasm and have her explain to me why they are so marvelous. and she really loved my fave magrette, too, i was glad. it's the one with the red sun in the middle of the black forest silloette. we did a quick run through my fave asian art, too- but they were all gone! there must be some sort of special exhibition. it was really delightful- that alone would have been enough to whet my appetite for lovely leah time, but there is so much more to come!


letter slipped under my door

"dear caitlin (apt 805),
your apartment building is being sold this week to a condominium converter. the new owner will begin massive reconstruction immediately. they are encouraging tenants to find other apartments and we understand that they will let you out of your lease as soon as possible. (offer of special rent deals and waivers for renting from other buildings). we have enjoyed having you as our tenant and hope you will come with us. sincerely, my management company.


looks like i'll be moving. and soon.


a paper, for now

i have a great musing post to write, but i have to get to bed. tomorrow night i'll be up late cleaning, thurs. night i'm sure leah and i will be up late, and friday is hedwig with g and ch at 11.30- and did i mention i have to work the next morning? day before mothers day, baby.
so, since i don't have time to write a post, i'll leave you with other writing- namely, my paper on g. it's pretty long, so i'm hiding it in april. but if you want to read it, it's here! enjoy!


pinwheels and orange peels

i knew i was gonna write the post about amy's comment yesterday and i wanted to give it a good mayday title, and i forgot. i've made a 7 song mayday ep- if anyone else knows may songs i'll like, let me know.
it's been a wonderful day, which is astounding for a monday. i guess all that work that i got done this weekend i handed in today. my elevations weren't great for set design, but my model was pretty nice,
and i was happy with my painters elevation. i got a great critique from frances on my life is a dream renderings! i should have pictures of a few of them up next week this time. i'll link back of course. don't get me wrong, i'm still missing some shadows, and i need to completely reswatch other costumes, but for frances, i left there feeling funny and free. (talking about that, my coming out mix is done. if you want a copy, please email me or post a comment. even those of you who feel like you should be garunteed a mix, drop me a line anyway, cause i'm getting tired of the whole 11 copies thing. a few things it's not: the best of lesbian singersongwriting, or a uplifting mix for anyone to come out to. it's more autobiographical, as my mixes tend to be. so it's more the story of my coming out, rather than a standard of some sort.)
anyway, the day just kept getting better. i had to stop at jewel for more coke, and my fave bagels were in stock, and buy one get one free. the pansys were out front, so i bought 3 for my windowbox for completing my projects. when i got home, my box from kira had arrived! she sent an overabundance of cds- 4 to be exact. i've listened to 3 so far, and it should be fun. there are a few that made me walk over to the keyboard and say, who's this? and none yet that have made me groan and immediately delete them (although i'm just getting to the björk...) i highly recomend heading over to her blog and helping her out with her ipod so that you too can get one. not only that, she sent whoopee pies! can you remember the last time you ate a whoopee pie? i can't either. must have been elementary school, sometime. i can picture them all wrapped up in their saran wrap in a little basket next to the cash register at the hundreds of little menonite farm stands along rt 10 at home. a? z? when was the last time you ate a whoopie pie? also, did you know they can be made from chocolate chip cookies? me neither.
so i had to pot my pansys into my flowerbox, which means i need to move my basil of of it. i've been wanting to repot it for awhile anyway. so i put one basil in the blueberry stick's old pot, and put the other one in the jade's pot- my jade mushily fell over last week, i think i overwatered it, and it molded or something. but then i thought the top was looking way too healthy and green to throw away, so i cut off the mushy part and stuck it in a little pot of dirt. we'll see if anything happens. i'm a bit worried about the basil, too, as the roots were very spread out and entangled. i tore alot of them, i hope they'll be ok. it would be sad to kill them before summer. there's not enough room in the dining room for the purple passion, both basils, the new pansys, and the xmas cactus. so i opened the storm window and balanced the pansys on the ledge (have i mentioned the windowsills in my apartment are 2" deep and slope downward?) and put the purple passion back on the microwave (it needs to be repotted too!) and left one basil on the dining room table with the jade and the cactus. the other basil i put on my lime green lack table in the studio, where the avacado is. but the avacado is having serious issues, namely that it has hit the lamp in its vigorous journey to the ceiling, and has a nasty swerve where it's trying to jump out the window. so, i moved the avacado to the top of the bookcase where the jade was, and now the basil has the lime green lack end table all to itself. hopefully the avacado will get enough light up there. and the billy bookcase wont collapse under the weight of the 12" terracotta pot.
i called my grandma for advice on my jade (since mom's at a sting concert) and while she was chatting i worked on my fairy mobile. i finished it after we hung up, while eating a whoppee pie. it's pretty beautiful and magical, the silky fairies just hang in midair. not sure where i'm going to hang it yet. it looks just like the picture in the catalog, so i'm probably not going to post a pic, as it's a brand new roll of film.. but all the other pics you've been asking for should be posted next week!
except, of course, for the ones from my show. z, why won't you send me those?
also, i've updated my booklist and movielist, so please click and leave your opinions!
have i mentioned LEAH is coming to visit me in 3 days? has there EVER been anyone more excited? this visit couldn't possibly live up to my expectations.


i wanna be a christian

so, i watched edge of 17. and the boy's having a hard time coming out, and he decides he's gonna be straight, and he sleeps with his best friend who has a huge crush on him, and it's aweful. she's so hurt- can you imagine a way to hurt someone more? and with all the hype around delay, etc. it makes me remember my xian days. specifically, the ones i spent struggling with the whole issue of what jesus thinks of homosexuality. the church taught that it was wrong, but i couldn't figure it out- didn't god make these people this way? then it's him that screwed up, no, and he did make junk? i don't know how ANYONE could think that homosexuality is a choice people make. i was thinking, how much i would love the conservatives to be true, to be right. i want homosexuality to be a choise, to be able to say, this is stupid, i'd rather like guys, and then be able to do it. i want teens who are taught abstinence only education to not have sex. i want this war to be noble, to be neccessary to bring good, democracy to iraq. it's not that i want to believe, just that i want these things to be true. i want to have a personal relationship with jesus. but guess what? one of us doesn't show up for coffee dates, and it's not me.
not wanting to be gay, wishing there was some sort of choice about it, is a segway into amy's comment, since she's an affront to gay peoples everywhere, and i am a gay peoples (not that i have this harsh opinon, but it's a quote from kissing jessica stein.) the arguement is that life is hard for gay people, they have to do things like come out to their parents and not have rights as couples; and bisexual and gay curious people get the benefits without any of the concequences. but when a whines to me about wanting to be a lesbian, and all the cute girls she wants to get physical with, and i whine to her about wanting to be straight, i think my whine has alot more validity. you've probably figured out by now that a is the straight gtisw. maybe it's cocky of me, but i'd like to think that i'm qualifed to say that the sex with that cute chick isn't going to be as great as she hopes. or maybe it's just jelousy, as she'll practially have an orgy, and it's hard for me to find someone to give me a hug once a week. i still am not sure it was a good idea at the time, but i slept with this girl i wasn't in love with to make up for being in love with a girl i couldn't sleep with, i think. that seems to be what comes from the mix cd i made at the time. i'm on a epic g bender, listening to the 5 cds i made specifically about her. anyway, it's:
- how i feel about g:
i like you phranc
Losing Your Affection Future Bible Heroes
stolen car beth orton
paper bag fiona apple
pulse and 4th of july ani difranco
-and the epic crush gets more painful:
Love Is A Catastrophe
rain patty griffin
playboy in outerspace dada
Partisan Katell Keineg
- then a came:
twirly phranc
my favourite underwear liz phair
stars on the ceiling stars
-and i regretted fooling around with her:
Every Little Bit Patty Griffin
central reservation beth orton
you made this love a teardrop Nanci Griffith
-but it was my choice, and i will learn and grow from it:
You Choose Pet Shop Boys
Give Me Strength over the rhine
diamond way sheryl crow

it was very healing to make, as i tend to make optimistic mixes, so it gave me a way to figure out what i was supposed to learn. i got almost all my work done for today, i still have to do the final edit of the paper on g, and make a grocery list. i did the important stuff though, what'd due tomorrow, i did laundry as leah's coming thursday. i'm so excited. she won't get to meet g, but perhaps that's a good thing. she'll meet ch, certainly. i can't wait to see who i will be. i feel like my personality is greatly shaped by where i am, but i think it may be more based on who i'm with. ch treats me all straight when joe's around, but i'm gay when stacy's in town. and i first noticed this phenomenon when i was in philly with her, and i was all out. so it will be fun if she brings that with her and i'm out in chicago.
a- were you serious about chopping off all your hair and wearing mascara? it's funny, as i've been thinking of going butch, myself. starting to wear pants again, so after i shave off my dreads i can let my mustache grow and i'll instantly be 14 year old boy. the dreads are definately coming off at graduation, 13 months to go. still not sure about the pants thing. we'll see.

life is a dream renderings

working, really

ugh! i didn't get to actual work on actual schoolwork until after 6 today! a. called me at 11 this morning and woke me up- i was in a dream in the subway in germany, and mom and aunt janet and others were with me, and even though i knew my way around i was following them, and we were going up and down stairs and walking through connecting corridors and i was getting really tired and wondering if i should stop them and just check the map...
when i decided i wasn't going to fall back asleep, i finished my novel. ch called re:flowershop business and finally got me out of bed. i ate a bagel read the newspaper, wrote quotes in my quotebook and lugged myself out of the house. i went to the library to return my stack of novels, but somehow got sucked into checking out just as many more as i returned... that wasn't supposed to happen! i luged them all the way to the sears tower, trying to find an atm open for my bank. then i took the orange line to 14th st. and it was having problems and lingered at every stop. when i got to the design building, they were just closing up! the building closes at 5.30 on saturdays! what am i to do? so i got my drawings and some matt board for my model. then i drug it all to the bus stop. when i got home and finally started working. made another recipe from student's veggie cookbook- black bean and yam quesidillas. just as good as everything else. i'm truely amazed. painted my last 4 renderings. i can't believe how long it takes. sigh. i still have to add coloured pencil to those last 4, then sign and label all of them. i was drinking tea, so i peed alot, and every time i walked by my model i glued another piece on. it was a tremendous hassle, and there are alot of things i did wrong that should be changed, but screw it. i'm gonna walk in there with a ground plan, very simple elevations, a white model whose corners mostly match up, and a panter's elevation that i'll do tomorrow. along with the final edit of the g paper (which i'll post) writing the whole immersion paper, and doing all these readings for 2 classes. am not even thinking about how i HAVE to pay the bills, do the laundry, make a grocery list... thank goodness i did the dishes today. i don't know if i would feel like i'd succeeded doing anything, otherwise.

god, this is so boring. i just posted the above and went to comments, and apparently i have weekend readers, cause i have fucking FIVE new comments! is this awesome or what? so now i feel like i need to continue writing entries worthy of my commenters. you all should scroll down to the fairies entry and read kira's chicken story. in reply to her other comments, g and i watched live flesh (carne tremulo or something). but yes, educatión mala is the new one. it's on my netflix, but it's pretty far down, so i don't know when we'll see it. however, g and i MUST watch kissing jessica stein for our next movie night, so i'm not gonna move it up. i do think i'm getting better with her. then i get drunk and i fall back into adoration. i'm alot kinder to myself than i used to be, though, so it's getting better. but i still need to be told i deserve better than her. i worship her so, i need all you my friends to tell me she's not all that. but if you're checking out the fairies fotos, i hope you check out kira the cinimatographer! talk about good hair- even better looking and even more unobtainable than g!
and when i'm feeling in need of comments, i should always hide an ani d quote, as i know that will get a comment out of justine. however, you're crazy about shameless. superhero is the best song on that album by far, with dialate close behind, and of course my favourite is untouchable face.
because i spent this whole post telling you what i'm going to do tomorrow, i don't need to spend all of tomorrows telling you what i did. so i'll reply to a's comment then, which will tie into some thinking i've been doing about christianity, brought up by the movie i watched friday, edge of 17. i also will get my movie and booklists updated then. so keep reading!