so, i watched edge of 17. and the boy's having a hard time coming out, and he decides he's gonna be straight, and he sleeps with his best friend who has a huge crush on him, and it's aweful. she's so hurt- can you imagine a way to hurt someone more? and with all the hype around delay, etc. it makes me remember my xian days. specifically, the ones i spent struggling with the whole issue of what jesus thinks of homosexuality. the church taught that it was wrong, but i couldn't figure it out- didn't god make these people this way? then it's him that screwed up, no, and he did make junk? i don't know how ANYONE could think that homosexuality is a choice people make. i was thinking, how much i would love the conservatives to be true, to be right. i want homosexuality to be a choise, to be able to say, this is stupid, i'd rather like guys, and then be able to do it. i want teens who are taught abstinence only education to not have sex. i want this war to be noble, to be neccessary to bring good, democracy to iraq. it's not that i want to believe, just that i want these things to be true. i want to have a personal relationship with jesus. but guess what? one of us doesn't show up for coffee dates, and it's not me.
not wanting to be gay, wishing there was some sort of choice about it, is a segway into amy's comment, since she's an affront to gay peoples everywhere, and i am a gay peoples (not that i have this harsh opinon, but it's a quote from kissing jessica stein.) the arguement is that life is hard for gay people, they have to do things like come out to their parents and not have rights as couples; and bisexual and gay curious people get the benefits without any of the concequences. but when a whines to me about wanting to be a lesbian, and all the cute girls she wants to get physical with, and i whine to her about wanting to be straight, i think my whine has alot more validity. you've probably figured out by now that a is the straight gtisw. maybe it's cocky of me, but i'd like to think that i'm qualifed to say that the sex with that cute chick isn't going to be as great as she hopes. or maybe it's just jelousy, as she'll practially have an orgy, and it's hard for me to find someone to give me a hug once a week. i still am not sure it was a good idea at the time, but i slept with this girl i wasn't in love with to make up for being in love with a girl i couldn't sleep with, i think. that seems to be what comes from the mix cd i made at the time. i'm on a epic g bender, listening to the 5 cds i made specifically about her. anyway, it's:
- how i feel about g:
i like you phranc
Losing Your Affection Future Bible Heroes
stolen car beth orton
paper bag fiona apple
pulse and 4th of july ani difranco
-and the epic crush gets more painful:
Love Is A Catastrophe
rain patty griffin
playboy in outerspace dada
Partisan Katell Keineg
- then a came:
twirly phranc
my favourite underwear liz phair
stars on the ceiling stars
-and i regretted fooling around with her:
Every Little Bit Patty Griffin
central reservation beth orton
you made this love a teardrop Nanci Griffith
-but it was my choice, and i will learn and grow from it:
You Choose Pet Shop Boys
Give Me Strength over the rhine
diamond way sheryl crow
it was very healing to make, as i tend to make optimistic mixes, so it gave me a way to figure out what i was supposed to learn. i got almost all my work done for today, i still have to do the final edit of the paper on g, and make a grocery list. i did the important stuff though, what'd due tomorrow, i did laundry as leah's coming thursday. i'm so excited. she won't get to meet g, but perhaps that's a good thing. she'll meet ch, certainly. i can't wait to see who i will be. i feel like my personality is greatly shaped by where i am, but i think it may be more based on who i'm with. ch treats me all straight when joe's around, but i'm gay when stacy's in town. and i first noticed this phenomenon when i was in philly with her, and i was all out. so it will be fun if she brings that with her and i'm out in chicago.
a- were you serious about chopping off all your hair and wearing mascara? it's funny, as i've been thinking of going butch, myself. starting to wear pants again, so after i shave off my dreads i can let my mustache grow and i'll instantly be 14 year old boy. the dreads are definately coming off at graduation, 13 months to go. still not sure about the pants thing. we'll see.
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