i have answers

i have updates. want to know the latest on my mental health standings? on our collection of floral software? on the enormous surprise i'm cooking up for d for her birhday? then you have to let me know you're out there.



got into work today and ch had bad news- the computer crashed overnight. so i spent all day today on the phone with tech support. loading disks called "airbag." rebooting from the tapes of our saved data. nothing. there are still problems with our "kernels." the tech guy finally gave up and said it was hardware related. we'd have to either find someone local to find parts for it, or he could upgrade our system to the new version. how much would that cost? over $10,000. yes, that's the right amount of zeros. we'll call geek squad, thanks.

except geek squad doesn't know unix. in fact, not many people know unix. we have someone coming by to check it out (at $100 per hour) and hopefully they can get it running again in a week. but i was going to print out the address labels for our valentine's day postcards today. i was supposed to get them in the mail by friday. i don't know if we even HAVE a list of names and addresses still on our computer. let alone if anyone ever will be able to get to them.

i wish i worked for The Man in these cercumstances. then i could feel schadenfreude instead of sorrow, guilt and fear.

if any readers pray, please send one up for rosexpression's server.


hole in my pocket

ok, so. after being so down in PA, i made an appointment to try out howard brown's mental health services once i returned to chicago. sliding scale, why not, right? the appointment was today, and yesterday i realized- wait- i'm going to have to PAY for this. most likely in cash. and i have a dollar. i don't have any money in my checking i can afford to withdraw if i'm going to make rent. but i do have that little jar of change i've been saving! i imagine paying my doctor in nickles. so i had to go to the bank first.

i was telling this to ch, and he said i needed to get to the computer and write my memoirs because when they make the movie of my life, this is going to be the opening scene. i haul my change jar down the street. i sit on the bus with it on my lap. i fold the crisp dollar bills into my wallet at the bank. i remove them at the doctors to pay for therapy. back home sewing in my closet, the credits start to roll.

but in real life, this was just the intake visit. no charge today. and guess how much change was in my jar- remember, no quarters, just pennies, nickles and dimes. $21.28! i was shocked. i was hoping it'd be over $5. now i have $22 burning a hole in my wallet- plus a handful of canadian coins the machine wouldn't accept. mad money!

but i'm going to save it just in case i need some retail therapy. how it works is this- i had my intake apointment today, then tomorrow they all sit around and talk about me and decide if anyone can be bothered to deal with my measly little problems. then they call me up by the end of the week and tell me if my schedule fits anyones or if they're going to outsource my problems, or if i've got a great life and i should stop begging for their expensive support, they all think i sound boring and should jsut listen to myself talk. so my current worry is being rejected by the board of THERAPISTS- i mean, i think there can't be a greater blow to one's self esteem. here's hoping they'll pick me!

kiddie stuff

it was a good weekend. very lazy. once i got my butt in gear saturday, i went down to navy pier to meed d and jr and one of his cousins, and we went to the children's museum, where i'd never been. it was definately fun... yet still not anything like the city museum in st. louis. everything will be compared (and most likely found wanting) to that from now on. unfortunately it left me really tired and hungry, so i was just as grumpy as the kids for dinner. but soon i was home and got my grocery shopping done, and i finished spinning my blue/green singles. i wound them off and started plying saturday night, too.

sunday i realized i didn't have anything i wanted to do. a few things i SHOULD do, but suddenly i was left with enormous amounts of time on my hands. can anyone say i need a job? but it ended up jr wanted to go to his dad's, so d stopped by. and we cuddled together and did yoga together and showered together and then played my new board game- and it ROCKS. we played twice. and i'm not embarrassed to say it- my new favorite boardgame is called elfenland. it's a transportation game, ok? sure, the options are like, elfcycle and wild pig and unicorn and dragon. that's what makes it fun.

come play with me!


my little sister's boyfriend

just watched an inconvinient truth. wow. that al gore's a smart cookie. i miserably depressing movie though. it's just terror fear and panic in a culture of all news being terror, fear and panic. there was so little hope- and even less practical things. every practical thing was just text interspersed within the credits. maybe because he was planning on not just preaching to the choir, but i wanted more hope. i guess there are still lots of people out there who believe global warming is just at "theory." (side note: the tribune had a really interesting article on how the word theory means something different in science than it does in general english. usually, theories are just opinions- so conservitives can roll their eyes and say, oh, evolution is just your opinion. but in science, the word theory means something much more substancial. theories are just one step down from laws. do people not believe in gravitational theory?) but i guess i'm one of the ones who hop directly to dispair. i wanted more on the cfcs.

do you remember cfcs? as i child of the 80s, i do. i remember in "50 things kids can do to save the earth" being told to not buy aresol hairspray, and to be careful how old air conditioners and refrigerators were disposed of. and it, like, worked. al gore says the hole in the ozone layer is actually SHRINKING. i swear. that's what i want to hear about. not about the cute adventurous npr chick who chases methane bubbles in siberia. methane is too much for me- the co2 stuff is enough.

along with other versions of terror, fear and panic, both d and ch called me within moments of each other during the 10 o'clock news. the owner of the minimart around the corner from me was shot and killed today at 11am. d's been in the minimart and while i haven't actually met the guy, i do push my laundry cart in front of his shop on a regular basis. ch said the news hyped up the terror fear and panic by interviewing loyola students about how they felt. d didn't want me to be scared, but i can't help but feel that living in a big city is a choice i make, and i i live in a low crime area, and while what happened to him is terrible and awful and i wouldn't wish it on anyone, statistically speaking it only will happen, oh, once a year, and i'm going to consider myself lucky it wasn't me, and feel i'm safe for another year. it's like my mugging experience- it's happened, it's over, and while it was terrible and i wish it didn't happen, instead of making me feel scared it makes me feel a lot more confident knowing the chances of it happening again are exponentially lower.

so anyway, about the man z's stealling away from tipper, of course being the person that i am, i went to inconvienient truth's website and did their little emissions calculator- again. which is always a really fun exercise for me, because i don't drive. and of course, because my landlord pays my heating bill- i have no idea how the building is heated or what the thermostat is set at. that's another frustrating thing- all these changes that i, as a renter, can't make. anyway, my, oh, 2.3 tons of CO2 emissions per year (i almost typed admissions- a pretty funny homophone, if you think about it) can be offset for just 2 bucks a month. i had no idea it was so cheap. i can live a carbon neutral lifestyle for less than my coca cola budget. hey, sign me up.

whoops! sign me up after i pay february rent, i mean! gotta remember to tighten the belt until another job comes through!



so ever since my debit card number was stolen before christmas (don't worry, my bank rocks at catching them) i haven't been able to sign on to online banking. and i'm never available to wait on hold when they're open. so i haven't been able to balance my accounts in like a month. and i screwed up a deposit. so i got an overdraft letter from the bank. and i finally got online banking fixed. conclusion: i am very poor.

so if anyone knows of a job that will pay me BEFORE valentines day, or even better, before rent's due, hey let me in on it.


traveling past-ward

lets see. since i last blogged....

thursday d and i went to the maps exhibit at the field museum. it was really good, i thought they organized it quite well, in a way that kept you iterested in all the information. while not as bad as the mueseum of science and industry, i think the museums sometimes are very kids centric. the maps were definately geared towards someone with an adult attention span, deb and i spent over 2 hours there. it was snowing a bit when we arrived, but it was leaving when the weekend started to get really cold. brrr. bought a yoga mat on my way home to reward myself for waking up early to do yoga every day this week.

friday i went to work, then after work d and i went to see persepolis. such a beautiful movie, if you have the chance to see it, you should. it is rendered so nicely, the backgrounds have so much detail, it really explodes the medium of black and white. it was wierd to have the iranians walking around tehran speaking french, though. i thought it should have been dubbed, which is a crazy thing for me to say because i LOVE subtitles, but i think it doesn't make as much difference with a cartoon, and i wanted to look at the beautiful movie and not the subtitles. plus, dubbing gives a film more widespread appeal, which persepolis deserves.

saturday i had my job interview! it went really well, i thought. i really believe in her policy and her feelings about sewing and teaching. i'll be sitting in on one of the classes this week, then we'll go from there. it was a short walk, not too too cold (or at least not windy, which is what realy matters) to the bus to d's house. i helped her assemble her new bookshelf, and we ended up watching a terrible lesbian flick and playing backgammon. she brought me home and i futzed for a bit until anne came. she and i talked late.

sunday anne and i went to church in hyde park, for my exchurch's 10 year anniversary. it was actually quite nice. i really didn't want to be bitter- i didn't think there was any reason to going if i was- and so was glad to find it nostalgic and comforting. i feel like if i was to become a christian, that is how i would find my way back in. not that i feel ready to do so- and it's not like that particular company will assemble again for another five years, and there's some theology issues. but still it was warm and fuzzy, and everyone seemed so excited to see me and so glad i was there. the old women's group, except for tammy, were all there and we went out for lunch together. it was so nice to catch up with them all, janine in virginia, mairee in baltimore, anne in san francisco, and me here. tammy is getting married the beginning of may, i learned, so it was great to be able to say to everyone see you in st. louis, rather than it being another five years. janine was hanging out with someone else, so mairee and anne and i went to starbucks for the rest of the afternoon. it was the first time in a long time i felt like i got enough time with a guest. i'm really sad no one lives in chicago anymore.



this weekend! are you ready!

- 10 year reunion of my old church. old friends will be in town- mairee and dave i know for sure, and anne is staying with me for the weekend. think i may go and particpate in some churchy activities.

- my prospective boss asked me to stop by the fabric store to meet her!

- the HIGH is 8. not the low, not the windchill. and every time i hear about it, it goes down a little colder.

quite the setup, huh? i bet y'all can't wait to see how it all turns out.


2008 Resolutions!

here they are!

1. no more than 1 hr. internet per day!
2. floss.
3. go to bed on time. get enough sleep.
4. do yoga weekly
5. pushups and tricep dips daily
6. dance monthly

7. build a seasonally well sorted recipie database of produce and recipies as my share arives throughout the year
8. only eat out 1 lunch and 1 dinner per week

9. make a dress out of all those ties
10. knit. 3 pairs of socks and a sweater.
11. spin 1 lb. of fiber (i can't start thinking about a wheel until i spin a kg.)
12. write a novel. 5 pages per week.
13. go to figure drawing class. just once. one time ALL YEAR. i can do it.
14. play violin regularly enough to justify buying it.

15. play games- either with friends or at euchre club or something similar-2x per month.
16. write a letter weekly
17. stick with the flylady cult.
18. get rid of credit card debt

19. travel, 4 places. home, midwest, far away, and other.
20. keep up with the movies, crosswords, and photos.

what do you think? which will i do? i'm taking bets, now!


i got an email back from the job i want so badly! then i spent HOURS this evening creating the proper reply.

2008 resolutions coming soon- stay tuned.
but as a preview:

today i woke up 20 minutes earlier than normal, did yoga, ate oatmeal and a clementine and a hard boiled egg for breakfast, knit and listened to npr on the train, worked hard all day at work, ate local rutabegas and shallots (and non-local green beans) for lunch, and did the crossword puzzle on the way home.

who wouldn't feel just a little self-satisfied? then, of course, i splurged on thai food, read the newspaper, and spent the rest of the night online composing that letter.

hi ho.


the game continues

who wants to proofread my resume and give me helpful criticism? leave a message in the comments, yo.

in another life...

so since the bags have temporarily dried up, i am temporarily on the job search again. it's tough since it's just before valentine's day- any traditional job that i get i probably won't even start for at least a week or two, and by then we're well into february. however, i need some cold hard cash to pay the charge card bills from xmas. there was one i am SO excited about, which i should be careful of because i NEVER get the ones i'm SO excited about (or they turn out to be nightmares- or the so-so ones turn out being perfect and delightful. you just can't tell). it's to be a sewing teacher in a bustling DIY shop. doesn't that sound perfect? especially when you know how i've always wanted to teach knitting classes?

but anyway, that's not what i meant to be blogging about. that's just the introduction to explain how whenever i'm on craigslist i hit up the philly section just for kicks, and here's what i would be doing now if i lived there:

Full time designer for flower shop /Full time manager
Excellent position for floral designer in busy CC flower shop with great potential for growth. Must be fully experienced in all aspects of floral design. Full time and part time.
* Location: Center city/Phila., Pa
* Compensation: To be determined

Sewing help needed occasionally
I'm a senior citizen that would like to get back to sewing again on my portable pfaff. If you enjoy sewing and are familiar with pfaff I would love for you to show me again as I would like to make some neat simple stuff for myself with the best fabric. I could give you a minimum of 3 hours at a time as often as you would like, if you live nearby. I am not far from Villanova College, but closer to gladwyne and over the bridge from from Conshohocken. You can make stuff tooif you want. e-mail me about your background then call me on my cell. Thank you.

doesn't she sound just adorable?


while i'm at it....

why don't i just do the year in review, too? here's the first line of the first post of each post 2007:

january: oh, i just feel so behind! i want to tell you all about my christmas, but i just can't. am trying to get my life reorganized.

february: yep, the time's right on the bottom. 7am. why would i be up blogging then? but then you may notice the date- feb. 1st.

march: typed up todays entry. was adding tags when the rainbow started spinning. safari not responding. not that my stories were any more clever the first time.

april: i don't deserve friends as nice as you. i may bitch or feel lonely sometimes, but when the shit hits the fan, i've got a rockin support group.

may: my life continues down its crazy path. i can't quite get it through my head how radically my life will change in less than 2 weeks.

june: bernadette's here. i'm so tired. it's so hot. i am so sad i have to get up early to work tomorrow. there's pictures on flickr.

july: dad arrives tomorrow night! must go to bed! so late! bags not done! argh!

august: i know i've been gone a long time. it's been busy, the gf's been over. blah blah blah. and it's too hot to have the computer on.

september: i'm back- did i mention that? it's been a busy week. the wedding was lovely, mom and i went to the maiden creek sacred harp sing and the elverson contra dance, so i ended up havinga a folk filled weekend.

october: i know. i keep thinking these stories, but i don't get a chance to write them down. ever. like the worlds most PAINFUL customer.

november: mom comes tomorrow. the house is ready, but i feel emotionaly unprepared.

december: oh, this weekend! it's been so lovely. d and i went to christkindlmarkt after work on friday, and ate potato pancakes and drank glüwein, and bought zimtsterne, and were careful not to break any glass ornaments, and had a lovely seasonal time.

final 07 resolution recap

ok, when resolving to make my life a productive and delightful place to live in 2008, i should start with reflecting on the same in 2007. here was last year's list.

1. spend less than 1 hr online daily

i sucked at this. i prefer dial up where it tells me how awful i've been. now, there's no way of knowing. suggestions? i don't turn the computer on untill i really need it, sometimes not at all on a saturday. i've tried setting the timer, but then i don't get up. sometimes i've even overcooked dinner by ignoring the timer while online. what do you think i can do to keep this one this year?

2. watch 4 movies a month

i was pretty darn close. it would be great to get my netflix up to 4, i can only hit 4 when counting movies friends own and movies i see in theaters, but still i think i watched more movies in 07 than 06. will count to give you cold hard numbers.

3. go to figure drawing once a month

never did. not once.

4. do a patternless crossword every week

very successful. i do the nyt crossword every monday, and the patternless as well. i said if i kept this goal i would switch to tuesday, and then in 7 years, i would be able to go to competitions and stuff...

5. write a letter every week

eh, so so. i write one about every month, average. i did send more thinking of you postcards out last year, though, so that was an improvement. i think this is a good lifestyle choice, and hopefully can continue to do something simalar under the flylady.

6. take a photo every day

mostly. i missed 4 weeks this summer and another 2 over xmas and i'm sure lots of random days in between. but my hard drive can attest to how many photos i've taken this year. certainly many more than an average of one a day.

7. do a sketch every day

i don't think i did one. not even a doodle at work.

8. drink the flylady kool-aid (eg shine my sink everyday)

this was a "hard" one that i accomplished, something i had to work on, and took some resolve. my mom gave me lots of complements when she came to visit, and i feel like it really was a very positive change. i think it's really easy to fall back into CHAOS, though, so i think this one's gonna make my list again this year, so i stay aware of it.

9. complete plus level square dance class

finished in may. wish i had more opertunities (and took more opertunities) to do something about it.

10. take violin lessons

did, once. need more. also, more importantly, need to practice.

11. paint more

painted bathroom stuff orange. i think that was it.

12. read more

this was just here to make myself feel good. of COURSE i was going to read more. i always do.

13. knit more

actually, was pretty good at this. i feel like i'm knitting a lot. especially now that i have so much new yarn. i'm going to have more specific knitting goals for 2008. this goal was also made possible by podcasts.

14. travel more

PA, st louis, michigan and san francisco. definately more than 2007. am all the poorer for it, though.

15. write more

i couldn't even bring myself to blog more, let alone work on a novel. not one word of the novels has been written in 2007.

16. go to bed on time, get enough sleep

rarely, rarely does this happen.

17. celebrate seasonally (eg. ice skating in the winter, sending out valentines, decorating easter eggs, etc)

i think i would do better with a chart. i did some of the above, but not all of them. actually, the begining half of the year i was much more enthusiastic. it was only towards xmas that i started to loose my gumption. i did send valentines, dyed easter eggs, went to street festivals, laid in a pile of leaves, carved pumpkins, and walked in snow. i also subscribed to my csa, which i think is a huge seasonal step.

18. floss.

good news- i floss pretty regularly. bad news- the regularity is once a month. should really increase that frequency. cavities are so expensive.

19. make my arms strong

i was gung ho about this for about a month may-june. i don't know how to get into it again. i want to make it a goal this year, but it's too cold when i get out of bed to do anything but get dressed these days, and if i do it before bed it keeps me up.


feeling connected

in the past few days, i've talked to my mom, a, g, and krista extenstively on the phone, and it's been nice to feel so connected. unfortunately, it gives me little reason to blog about new years in the penthouse on south & 2nd and other various and sundry pennsylvania happenings.

but there will be resolutions soon! krista asked me if i'd posted my resolutions yet, and i said no, as i still need to do my final resolution recap from last year. however, i haven't been sleeping well (too much staying up late on vacation and days off) and so i have post-it notes posted above my bed with all sorts of resolutions on them. so i'll "post" them here, soon, too!



having kind of a dark day. my physical cold's gone, but have an emotional cold. i'm feeling tired and overwhelmed and wishing i could acomplish something or at least live successfully, but i am trying to make an effort to do something about it. i picked up a new flower essence yesterday, cayenne. from the repertory:
"cayenne flower essence provides a catalytic spark to the soul stagnating in its growth cycle. such individuals become overly phlegmatic and complacent, not really chalenging themselves with new experiences or stimulus. at other times, there may be a quality of simply feeling stuck or immobilized, unable to make real progress or change, or beign caught in a pattern of procrastination and resistance...Cayenne stimulates an energetic response in the body and soul, helping to overcome apparent blocks to progress and transformation. cayenne ignites and sparks the soul with its fiery essence. the individual becomes more awake, and more capale of initiating and sustaining spiritual and emotional development."

we'll see if it helps. it seemed like the best choice- my soul is feeling phlegmy.

but, i am a little bit cheered by the ph-silent g combo in phlegmy. i hope it really belongs there.


another softer world which so completely describes how i feel.

on their site, if you run your mouse over it, it adds, "wel, and play with myself a bit, too"

i'm home!

let me tell you, it's been a LONG two weeks. i hope all is well out there. will blog soon. talked to a today, and she said, "PA just like normal? family, games, party-in-a-box?" and that pretty much covered it. d was sick the whole time, and there were movies and a brief respite in philly, along with the usual stressful layovers at the farm, but now i'm home, and unpacked, and have a plan for removing all this cat fur from my house.