today i worked at the sears tower, then took the bus across the loop at lunch hour and worked on grace kelly's dress in the costume shop for a few hrs. stopped at the jewel on the way home, then went to devon market for some fresh mozzarella and a baguette. i bought a whole french loaf because they were STILL WARM. when i came home i .....


all three of them. there's just one green one left. i snapped off the three red ones, and chopped them up and mixed them with the mozzarella. i picked a bunch of basil and added that too. then i picked chamomile and mint and put it in the bodum and poured boiling water over it. i wish i'd gotten home earlier so i could take pictures of my delightful meal. (not enough light by the time i was eating it).

the tea was disapointing- to bitter to drink. i think it's the chamomile, will try again without the stems. it smells good. i fear you can only make tea from the flowers, not the greens. the tomatoes are amazing. oh so sweet and a perfect match with the soft salty cheeze and the piquant basil and a hint of the flavorful acidic balsamic vinegar. cool and crunchy with the warm soft bread... in general, heavenly.

i am SOO proud of growing three of my very own tomatoes in my very own home, outside, showing off tho the neighbors, three tomatoes that i picked and ate and they were the yummiest things ever! aren't you impressed?

now if you'll excuse me, i need to go bleach my mustache and wash my dishes before i go to detroit.


so it goes

yesterday i feel like i did absolutely NOTHING. all i did, all day, was the bags. at least i got those done. and i made 2 postcards for post secret. i am excited about mailing my secrets in.
today, work. then the fashion designers to drop off the last of the fabric, a quick stop at the library to pick up a book on hold, then pesto for dinner. then i signed online and bought a ticket for detroit this weekend. oh yeah.
ch and johnny b are doing the final cleaning of their old place tonight. they're gonna be at it LATE, so ch asked me to open for him tomorrow. sigh. so i should have been in bed, oh, an hour ago. but no. i'm typing to you all.


beach pics and more

looking over my beach pics, i see there's a good number of family who you probably don't care about. so if you want to see the rest of my beach pics, you should go to my flickr site where you can see the rest of my stream- though my mom's are probably better. the highlights are the picture simon took of me on the beach, in the suit z bought me and the supergirl sunglasses:

here's z making us yummy sandwiches for lunch, in one of the tshirts i made for her in bermuda:

and here's the cowgirl hat, in it's home in the hotel room:

gosh i can't wait for gay square dancing to start. i need another excuse to wear my cowgirl hat.
isn't the light streaming through the door beautiful in that one? there was a window facing the same direction (westish) in the bathroom and every night after my shower i was just stunned by the beauty of the light. i took my camera in one night, and i only took 2 self portraits. i could have taken a whole roll- i wished i could at the time, and now that they're developed i really wish i did. is that self-centered?

the other exciting events from that roll were mitzi getting fixed, and her love of ch's cat carrier:

and anne coming to town and us making the world's most beautiful fruit salad:

surprise haircut

oh, such excitement at work today!!! the laptop we leased arrived!!! and it has a modem!! so we can dial up internet without even taking the computer anywhere!! there are a few unsecured wireless networks around us- does anyone know- is it illegal to steal such internet? can the people with the wireless find out about us? i'm upolading beach photos right now, so i'm sure the post you read before this is all of that. last night i discovered bloglines, and i think it may change my life. i've FINALLY discovered what rss is for. why has no one told me before??

so since i got my whole list done last night except for the haircut i was gonna try and find one downtown, and ch was like, silly, i'll cut your hair again. so i went to his house instead. it's been raining in chicago all day, so we dripped to the taquiria by his new place, and then dripped to his new apt. i need to take pictures of that- it's SOOO nice. he'd bought cables, so i helped him hook up his vcr and dvd player (unfortunately not enough plugs to do both at the same time....) and then, what i've always been waiting for... i knew someday the boxes under the bed would coinside with a vcr... we watched all the diva videos. goddess, annie lennox is AMAZING. most people's eyes have, like, 4 movements at best. the emotions she can show with her eyes- it must be a 3 octave range. just incredible. i want to BE her. so that was FABULOUS inspiration for ch to cut my hair. it's really nice-long (like, amost a full inch!) on top, then a v-shaped line, then layered down the back to the v at my hairline. my sideburns are a litte shorter than i wanted them, but other than that, it's perfect. ch totally went to town, after the buzzing he trimmed it up with scissors and then did the scraggly stuff on the back of my neck with a razor. THEN he got out his product and gave me this really funky 'do with a part on one side and a row of spikes down the other- it reminds me of like, my uncle's elementary school pictures, esp with my black glasses.

anyway, kira, the book i'm reading is coming out under fire: the history of gay men and women in world war two by alan berube. i need to type up some of my thoughts on it, because it hits most of the things i like to think about- gender and gay culture and war vs. peace. and i meant bad education in the previous post- live flesh i don't think i've seen yet. - or is that the one with the nuns and the tiger in the garden? that's my least fave so far. ANYWAY, my birthday is september 24, thanks for asking!! when is yours? and jamie, when is yours? i forgot to write it down. early october. i'm going to guess the 12th.

and j, i'm sure brigid would love to sell you a bag. send her an email and she will be glad to tell you which of mine are available, i'm sure. they're pretty pricey, though!

finally, i swore i would update my booklist as soon as someone commented that they cared. a year later, someone finally did! so i'm slowly updating- i read ALOT of books. if you're interested what i read last sept- feb, it's up here, with march- august to be added soon. there is also commentary, so it's better than your average list, as well. so check it out and leave a comment if you've read anything on it- or have new recomendations for what should be on next years...


sunday and so on

moved so slowly today. had to cross things off the list that just weren't gonna get done. the cat woke me up stiff and sore much too early, and i just rolled around bed for awhile, reading my newest nonfiction. i'll tell you about it soon, i'm sure. it's been having me do lots of thinking, and i'm not sure what to do with that- i feel like i should be preparing to write a paper on my research. really- it's that dry and academic (yet facinating) of a book.

so anyway, showered, ate, hauled my laundry to the laundrymat again, washed it, dryed some, hauled it back home, hung it up, etc. then gathered up my library books (except of course, far from xanadu- i'm not ready to part with my beloved mike szabo yet) and headed downtown. i talked to my mother, returned my books, picked up my 2 holds, and then went to the siskel theater to watch ryna, this romanian film i heard about on TOC's movie podcast. it was beautiful- not something i'm going to cheer about and send all my friends to see. just quiet and sad. but subtitles + cute girl with shaved head + hopeful ending = movie caitlin likes. it made me all contepmlative about movies. i downloaded both TOC's podcast and ebert & roper and i am facinated by the differences. first i should comment on their print work- i love TOC movie reviews more than most things- if i had to give up, say, gummy bears or TOC movie reviews, i would probably say goodbye to haribo. i don't read ebert nearly as often, but in general i agree with his movie opinions. so the first difference i noticed was how slick e&r was- the TOC boys were just goofballs hanging around a microphone in the back office. e&r were obviously actually a tv show. you know this is not a complement from me. and the other thing i thought was sad was how watered down the movie choices for e&r had to be, with the whole nationwide thing, they were gonna review the blockbusters at lowes cineplex. their wild and crazy off the wall pick was beerfest, for goodness sake. TOC, on the other, of course did snakes on a plane, but at the end they did ryna (... and guess which got a better review?) cause they knew it was playing at the siskel this week. and i was walking home thinking of handy butch girls in small towns, and the few movie options they get. i mean, look at your options in reading, pa. the movie theater i can walk to has half the options available to the entire city. whenever i talk about seeing, say, someone popular like almodovar, mom will say, oh, i think that's playing up at the art house in kutztown. i feel so lucky to live someplace that doesn't just have my walkable $5 midnight first runs, but also has the music box, the siskel, doc films in hyde park. i really should go out more.

and i'm gonna, in september! for my birthday i'm gonna buy myself a punch card to the music box, where i've never been, but i've always wanted to go. cause they're having a almodovar super feature- three of his movies every week. i've never seen one on the big screen (live flesh was in theaters such a short time, and i rented my first almodovar right when talk to her came out) and it should be lots and lots and lots of fun.

anyway, came home, ate dinner, took out the trash, bleached (unsuccessfully) my mustache, read some more petted the cat, am going to bed.

oh, but also, talking about local chicago things, my bag lady waswritten up in the reader this week! so if you've wanted to see what my bowling ball bags look like, i did the plaid one on her lap and the purple one with silver handles she's holding. i'm very excited for her!



i woke up early early early (like, weekday early) to help ch move today. yesterday jack helped him move his boxes (because jack owes him since ch moved jack last year [and since jack was going to the gay rodeo today and wouldn't be available]) so there was only the furnature to move. i of course am mostly useless when it comes to carrying furnature down steps. (or up them, for that matter) i am very small and weak, and i can't drive, HOWEVER, i am still good for moving. the main reasons are: (and i am now changing this run on sentence into outline form:)

I. i'm inspiring.
a. i show up (late) in a little white sundress with strawberries and
b. i am full of boundless energy, because
1. playing house is FUN and
2. i didn't get up as early as everyone else
3. i don't have to carry anything heavy up and down the steps.
II. i have good spatial relations skills
a. joe says the lesbians always boss everyone around about how to best fit it all in the truck, but it wasn't really an issue because since the boxes were already moved we didn't have to work very hard at fitting the furnature in
b. i can visualize the bamboo mat on top of the cd rack, and
c. the litter box BEHIND the mirror
d. i know were things should go to be useful in the kitchen.
III. what i lack in strength, i make up for in elbow grease.
a. i'm a good cleaner. once we got to the new place, ch sent me to the independent hardware store 2 blocks away to get more paper towels, and i bought shelf paper, too. i was so excited, because i've been dying to go to the CRAFTY BEAVER. isn't that the best hardware store name ever? well, i climbed on top of the counter to wipe down the top of the cupboards, and discover them covered with goo. like, a 1/16" thick layer of cooking greese covered with a years worth of dusk. NASTY NASTY NASTY. my papertowels and bathroom cleaner are NOT gonna do it. so i go back to the crafty beaver and by scissors to cut the shelf paper, and simple green, and rags and a scrubbie. it was really really gross, but there was that feeling of satisfaction- the color change was pretty amazing. so then i laid down the shelf paper and unpacked the whole kitchen and hung curtains and put books on shelves and unwrapped tchochkies and took boxes out to the dumpster and labeled the mailbox and doorbell and was generally useful.

so ch is almost completely unpacked. pretty amazing. it was danny's birthday, so we all walked to sushi in andersonville for dinner to celebrate that. then i came home and decided it was too late to do laundry, so i paid my bills and listened to my podcasts. one of the bills i paid was for my class at actors gymnasium, so as long as nothing horrible happens i will be learning how to tightrope walk, unicycle, and swing on a trapeeze! i am so excited.



so i've been trying to do laundry all week, right? lies- i've been trying to do laundry all fucking month. i need to wash my bathing suits from the beach and the exploded bottle of suntan lotion. so i download some podcasts, sort the laundry, decide what i can fit, haul it all downstairs, haul the cart downstairs, collect my quarters, soap, etc, walk it all to the laundrimat... and the doors are locked!!! the sign says what i've always known, last wash 10pm closed at 11. HELLO!!! it was only quarter to ten!!!! it makes me SO MAD when people turn away customers at the end of the day. live by your fucking posted hours people!!! it's not like they closed up early on a friday night and went home. they were still there, making the no arm signals to me, not even unlockign the door and turning me away personally. working retail, i can't imagine EVER daring to try and lock up early and then TURNING AWAY CUSTOMERS if they asked for roses through the gate. we help everyone who catches our eye, sure, we try and rush them, we won't deal with really specific requests, but never turn them away if they're easy and polite. i don't have that much laundry, people! and i don't use a dryer! i'll be done in half an hour!! sure, i've had to close up early before, even done it by choice when nothing's happening. but i don't sit around behind a locked door and TAUNT PEOPLE!

damn. classic friday night. and i have to go to bed soon to get up in time to move ch. i think i'm going to go buy ice cream and take a bath and see if i can calm down.


i should be doing my laundry, but instead i can't stop downloading podcasts. i've been waiting to be bit by the podcast snake and i finally have. am i addicted enough to subscibe to this american life? no. but i do have the npr sampler. i AM going to become a public radio addict. i AM. i'm jus that kind of person, don't you think?

so, anyone know any good ones? esp. ones i can subscribe to on itunes, because i'm into automatic downloading.


random photos

ok, here's the redmoon one that didn't work before:

and here is one of the nastier surprises ch has broght back for me:

almost as disgusting as three bacon salad.


i'm not even gonna try and blog today, i'm just gonna work on these emails. i kept this one of a's because i felt like the rediculousness of this quote had to be shared with others:

"so [in my dream] nancy reed to tuna fish to high school plane trips mixed with current affairs. no wonder i'm so exhausted upon waking.
so my credit card bill is paid, my dishes are washed. i baking sodaed my teeth b/c they felt grimy and shaved my pits in case i'm in bed w/ a boy tonight. need to buy laundry detergent and wash my clothes and clean out my car and write letters to cheron and jonathan and make a collage and start journaling and read poetry and get a new job and research grad school and lose my gut.

isn't that classic?


unfortunately penultimate encounter

work today was high stress. ch and i weren't communicating well, and it was the sort of busy day when we needed to. but we eventually got into the groove- and the customers stopped pouring in. part of ch moving to his new place means loosing his storage space, where there were about 20 boxes of flower shop stuff. so he and ricky brought all that back to the shop today, and we had to find space for it. some of the boxes were smaller than others, so it wasn't as bad as i'd feared- also, i thought it would be all paperwork, but some of it was useful things, like all the christmas stuff, or wedding supplies. and some of it we just trashed. the broken cash register. the 3rd roommate. my old computer. it was hard. i don't purge very well. i kept my usb hub and some cords. i don't know if the hub will even work with my new computer, and i can't imagine needing more ports, and i'm sure usb will be obsolete soon. but still. i kept it. it's small. and it's green. goddess i loved that fad in design- the colored clear plastic fad? i still have my green microwave, blue waterheater, blue stapler, red (bubulor) silverware. but i'm sad it didn't stick longer.

anyway, i left work early cause i had my doctor's appointment. i do of course want to tell you all about my first pap experience, but even i have some limits to what i will blog about. if you really wanna know, send me an email or a comment. i'll just say that i had a very good experience. horray howard brown.

after that back home to get my patterns organized, rolled up and placed on top of the last 2 jackets and pair of pants. and had my last meeting with the fashion designer! who promptly made me realize= fuck- i still have all sorts of her supplies. i still have a big bag of her fabric. so i'm going to have to go back and see her AGAIN to give it all back. it totally sucks. i will never be free. she also was doing alot of begging and pleading with me to stay. she doesn't understand. she would think i would need a little extra money. it doesn't need to be much, just like one piece a week. i told her i'd see how it goes. NOT! i can't believe how bad she makes me feel. but it did feel good to have her miss me- she says it's hard to find good seamstresses. i do hate working for her, right? i did make the right choice, right? i do worry.

cooked potatoes and lentils with spinach and mint. it's a huge recipe- i'd forgotten. i liked last week's lentil recipe much better. oh well. after finishing far from xanadu last night (oh, mike szabo. i would do anything to make you real. anything for you.) i was grumpy about starting my new book this morning. i've explained before about how i read library books, right? i hate deciding, and i hate renewing the same books over and over, so i keep them in order on my shelf- i sort first by due date, then by how much i want to read them, from least excited to most excited. so far from xanadu (chicago is so far from xanadu! if you would come here, i'd help you forget about her) was the book i most wanted to read from last time, and now there's a dull-looking non-fiction from this library visit. it's a bit of a tome, as nonfic is wont to be, so i compromised and took the next one, which is a novel i couldn't get excited about, but i've gotten really into it. all that train riding today, work, doctor, fashion designer, home. but i'm NOT going to read now. i'm going to get on those emails. cause i'ts too late to do laundry. how come EVERY day it's too late to do laundry? i am cutting it so close on underwear. the granny panties are soon gonna come out.


yet another crush...

yesterday after work i went to the library, then came home and made broccoi soup, then wrote some more emails. they are just such slow going. i can't believe how far behind i am, how long i've put it off. no wonder i don't get interesting mail, i never write to people. sunday night i watched mi vida en rose, such a cute movie, that little kid is just adorable.

today i went to redmoon theater, where david had me sew miles and miles of curtains. i used a spool and a half of thread- i need to figure out how many yards are on a spool- but it has to be nearly a mile. just checked- i only sewed about a third of a mile today. that's not a very big deal. stiil, these curtains were over 12 feet long. redmoon is a magical place full of puppets peeking out of boxes and bicycles built to do things you thought only possible in dr. seuss books. here's a clandestine photo i snapped in the the office where i was working:

gosh, while looking up flickr to get that photo i found that mom posted bunches. z came home last weekend for a cousin's baby shower and other family happenings, and she brought her new dog-
" i can't believe how good they both look. z is supposed to be unphotogenic, at least, so i can look good in pictures and she could look good in real life. but really, i think she's flaunting which genes she got here.

and one more great picture- this is from the shower which i guess was in this mansion. everyone kept getting the tour and exclaiming. one of these is labled z's dream bathroom, but this one mom called, "c'mon in, there's still more room." and i think it's a great shot of z and my party in a box aunt showing how my family are goofy:

but anyway- have you noticed i've been distracted? my library book is far from xanadu by julie anne peters. i told you about endgame, which i read just because it was by nancy garden and how upsetting it was? well, i read this one just because it was by julie anne peters. it's one that i've made myself not read in bed, because i don't wanna waste it, i want to savor it as long as possible.

so about the crush in the title box. one of my favourite stories about my grandma (poor grandma, she's at the brunt of so many of my stories- but i gotta say, she deserves it...) is one day when we were fighting about me driving, and i finally said, "grandma, i am never gonna learn to drive. i will always live some place where i can get around wtihout it. i'm a hazard to society behind the wheel, there is no emergency that would be safer with me driving than in an ambulance." and she replied, all knowingly, "just wait, caity. someday you're gonna fall in love with a farmer, or some man who likes the country, and then you'll HAVE to learn to drive." i think i laughed out loud. "grandma, i can PROMISE you i will never fall in love with someone who lives in the middle of nowhere."

but that was before i met mike szabo. who knew grandma was right.

i never imagined i would ever fall in love with someone from coalton, kansas. i mean, i've always pitied christopher for being from kansas. but mike has shown me the heart of smalltown life. the town is her family, and she is so kind, and helpful to everyone. and she's SO buff! i've never met a girl so strong- but i guess she works off all her sadness and anger at the gym. and she's sooo hot dressed in her dad's old undershirts. from the moment i met her i was head over heels. i know there's lots of stuff she has to do first, some growing, some traveling, but i want to marry her and move to coalton. i want her to teach me to drive her pickup truck. i want to cheer her on at her softball games. i want her to take me to the top of the water tower to see the sunset. i will tell her all the colors, i will paint our house those colors, she will laugh at me and hold me and make me feel safe. i will make friends with all the neighbors, i will be the perfect plumber's wife, i will sing along to country radio. all this and more.

but i know it's impossible. so many of the diffuculties i think are surmountable: you could tell me how she's in love with that straight girl, but i understand that, we could comiserate together. she deserves better. or how she wouldn't like me, she wants a girl who looks more like the centerfolds she hangs in her room. but i think i could charm her, be domestic and cute, even if i am flatchested. i would grow my hair out for her. and i know she's 7 years younger than i am, but the older we get, the difference will seem smaller. i can be very patient, i will wait for her. there's the kansas thing, but i think i adressed that. besides, it's within driving distance of denver. a, stacy, the city would be there whenever i needed it. but there's the one thing, the big one that i don't have the answer for. how she's a fictional character. i don't know how to get over that. i know, because she's not real, she'll never be able to love me the way i love her. but boy i wish we could.


and because i'm addicted

i'm actually addicted to romance planet in the red eye on monday mornings, but when a sent me a link to freewill astrology i couldn't resist, and got this:

"Novelist Jeanette Winterson told a TV interviewer about her mother's strongest belief: "You can be happy, or else you can be like normal people." This idea applies to you right now, Libra--maybe more than you realize. From what I can tell, you're at a crossroads in your relationship with happiness. You could go either way, and it's mostly up to you: Will you tame your urges for wild joy, repress your instincts to follow your lyrically crazy heart, and surrender to the dull insanity of the maddening crowd? Or would you prefer the scarier, more eccentric and action-packed route that will constantly push you to enlarge your capacity to feel good? "

now if i was still a xtian, i might say that it was a sign / message from god. which i think is a pretty funny concept. so lets just say it's just what i needed to end the weekend.

wars and parties

lets see. today was pretty nonexisitant- i'm so glad i finished up the sewing last night and didn't have to worry about it today. i finished nancy garden's endgame in bed this morning. not one of her delightful lesbian young adult reads, that's for sure. it was a slightly geeky kid who is picked on by bullies, and who's dad doesn't understand him- in the end he ends up shooting out his classmates littleton, co style. he calls it "the Plan" for getting back at the jock with his dad's semiautomatic, but you'd think he would be smarter- as a Plan, it kinda sucks. he ends up not managing to kill himself, or 2 of the super anoying jock, but still manages to kill his best friend, an innocent bystander, and paralizes a really nice girl who his brother is dating. he gets a miserable life in jail, and the bullies get memorialized= not the results i'm sure he wanted, or even ones that gave the readers a feeling of completion, that justice had been done. but the discomfort i felt at the end of the book- i realized after a moment, it was a familiar discomfort, something i'd felt recently while blogging- it's the same attitude i have towards the war. they thought they had a Plan, but it really sucked= violence is such a terrible way to accomplish what you want. it works so poorly, so many innocent people get caught in the crossfire, the ones you want dead don't get dead, you look like a soulless murderer, the shits who were so mean to you get memorialized, because really, they too deserved to live longer. all because you thought you'd get beat up if you tattled. this makes me realy uncomfortable about my country. but still, i am very content and staid. i'm not burning my passport or moving or anything. i'm content to sit her and complain just in my blog, where my 10 unique visiors a day are the only ones who read. i was feeling badly about this the other day, after i wrote my last war blog. about how i have all these beliefs but i don't act on them. i believe war is wrong, yet i live in america. i believe we should provide for the poor and homeless, yet i want nothing to do with them myself. but then i realized, everyone has their thing. i don't have much money to throw around, but i do give to the food depository each thanksgiving (mostly because i was on the reciving end of it one year...) and though i suck at social justice, i am a good environmenalist. i'm a vegetarian, i buy local, i dry my clothing at home, i conserve water, i only use recycled paper, i reuse plastic, i use blue bags. (i know better than to say i recycle, but participating in the blue bag program is the best i can do.) so anyway, i hope my karma is mostly balanced.

did nothing today but chores and went to bob and tom's housewarming party. had a good time there, drank too much wine, ate too many cheese cubes, met lots of theater b gays. jen and her old roomate sarah were there, so i wasn't the youngest- but i did socialize more than they did- parties can really be fun. i didn't create that much of a sensation dressed as a boy- i cemented my hair down, too, and put a little side part in- and while you know i how i like to create a sensation, i also felt like people treating me natural made the costume even more successful.

but now the weekend is over. time for me to eat my rice and indian mushrooms. maybe watch a movie, do the email thing, then to bed. but no more projects for the fashion designer! my life is perfect.

thank goddess for high speed

as i've been sewing damn white jackets for the past, oh, 12 hrs, there has been one point of joy, and that is internet radio. not just pandora but also philly's fabulous wxpn which i grew up on, the very distracting this american life and one of ch's fave radio programs, morning becomes eclectic.

it's been a good day for words and music. other things, well not as good. but i can stream now, so i shouldn't complain about anything.


fucking lightweight

i haven't had that much to drink- why am i so fucked up? i can't really focus on my computer screen- my typing's a blur. but someone somewhere along the lines commented that they liked the drunk post, so i thought i'd do another one while i'm downing my glass of water, because i need to drink at least one full one before i go to sleep tonight, because i can't be too hung over to sew tomorrow. white jackets + headache = unbearable.

as you can surmise, i did end up going out. it was drizzliing and it was a BAD IDEA. for the black and white party i was wearing (from the top down) rubber spiking cement in my hair, silver eyeshadow, black eyeliner, black lipstick, dangly star earings, the supervillian top from patternmaking (waisting way too much time trying to find a image) my silver gliltter belt, my black velvet micromini, leah's black and white striped knee socks,a nd my black docs. i like to think of myself as a goth annie lennox, but that may be too flattering. so anyway, i went to cvs for cash first, but they closed at 10, so i had to pay 2 bucks to use the atm at the train station. and i felt really uncomfortable inmy supervillain top, like i was asking for trouble. so i put on my hoodie, but then i was too hot. so i took it off and then i was too slutty. it was a terrible paradox. but then christopher called on my way there, and he was in rockford, so i realized it could be worse. he said he'd try and meet me when he got back to chicago.

so it's still raining, and do i have a nce black gothic umbrella? no. i have nothing that even slightly matches my lipstick. i'm this hard looking girl with a pink flowered umbrella. somebody kill me. luckily no one did. i get off at addison and start walking south. meet some hecklers, look for addresses. finally ask the bouncer at hydrate. he tells me i'm much too far south. oh it's NORTH of addison. the heklers are on the other side of the street, but i fear they're tracking my lost pink flowered umbrella. fuckers. luckily i have to walk by the chicago police station. that always makes me feel safe, even in a whoring outfit. anyway. finally find circut, pay the cover, buy a drink- then what? i circle awkwardly, then finally set up camp at the rail aroumd the dance floor. count the sips, songs. i am so awkward, decide to leave when i finish my drink. everyone's so fucking paired. what is it with single lesbians taking friends places? there must be an in for me. finally gregarious dyke who's friends are grouped around me says someting as she moves her drink from my left to my right on the dance floor side of the bar. i take the opertunity, she introduces herself, and her girlfriend is just as friendly. their friend is a stick in the mud, so i provide entertainment. i say i can't dance, girlfriend says she bets i'm better than i think i am, and i'm under the bar, onto the dance floor, leaving my purse behind... emily and melody, i honor you. thank you so much for letting a stranger into your dance circle. you were so so kind to me, pushing me out there. i had a fabulous time, and it just flew by. when christopher came, i didn't wanna be standing lonely by the wall. and because of you i was grinding on the dance floor. thank you. christopher and i played wallflowers, watching the girls and drinking gin. i'm not sure which i liked better- it's always better to be with friends than strangers, but melody and emily made me feel so empowered.... it was very reminicent of dancing at stilettoes. after christopher and i finished our multiple gin drinks, he offered me a ride home. i wasn't gonna refuse, dressed the way i was, but i told him i needed to give black kisses to my new friends first. so that's what i did. i found them on the dance floor, and they were so excited to see me, and so sad to hear i was going, and they were glad to let me give them black kisses, which they will carry home on their cheeks....

and then i bitched to christopher the whole way home. about how i can't be a skank if i try. about how i haven't been kissed- on the lips- since november (with the exception of my grandfather, who obviously doesn't count) about how i'm not looking for a soulmate at speed dating, just some action, and how it's not fair, cause i'm not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself, i'm out, i make new friends, i go to bars and other activities by myself, there's just some missing connection.... he was very sympathetic. and he gave me a ride home. i wish i could find a girl as loyal.

why is the cat crying? i don't understand. it is so far past my fucking bedtime, i can't even think about it. i better have drank enough water while typing this. i feel like i could sleep for weeks. my eyeliner is making me cry. time for some ben nye. then bed.


speed dating and more

sorry, i've been sewing instead of posting. also TRYING to take a bite out of my emails that have been stacking, piling up. so lets see. speed dating. i guess the prequel to that is s. after not hearing from her for a week, sending tms once a day or so, i sent her an email asking her to respond if she still wanted to hear from me, and she never did. as someone who always looks for the best in the situation, i was a little worried that something horrible happened to her. but thanks to modern technology, i was able to go on myspace and see that she was actually logged in today, so she still lhas internet access. there has been nothing stopping her from saying, "um, your nice and all, but too clingy" or "i liked you till i saw your mustache" or "this really isn't working" or "leave me alone, bitch." nope, she just disappeared. i'm pretty angry about it, not as much about being ignored as thinking she was this honest straightforward person who would tell me what she thought.

so anyway, my attitude was onward and upward, and it timed nicely with speed dating tuesday. it was really awkward at first, because it seemed like everyone came with a friend- can't lesbians do ANYTHING alone? so i was standing around, gulping my drink, waiting to start. we finally did- a pretty big group, we took up the whole restaurant at tweet- between 20-30 people, i think. it worked this way- we chatted for 2 minutes, then moved on to the next girl. we could check not interested, friendship, or lets try dating boxes. then the organizers collected all our sheets, and emailed us if we both checked either friendship or dating. i met 14 girls, and i checked dating for 3, not interested for 2, and friends for all the rest. there was one super hot blond mowhawked girl that i was totally into- want to hear from her so badly! then a couple of other fun people.

so on wednesday after work i rush home to my email to see my results... and they haven't been emailed yet. sigh. luckily, dating alone makes for good stories for ch- which is all i guess i ever needed out of the process. so anyway. was a lazy bum wednesday night, didn't get the pants cut out as i had hoped. so that meant yesterday was an intense day of just sewing. i spent all morning cutting out both pairs of pants and both jackets. then i took a break for lunch, then sewed the pants together. didn't get done until 9. was out of food, so i went to the taquira. walking home i was contimplating how old i was when i first heard of tacos. it was actually the frightfully old age of 6. i was in first grade, and the children in our reader wanted tacos. there was a little picture over the hard words, one of which was tacos. i of course had been reading since before kindergarten, and needed no pictures, but was facinated by this food i was not familiar with. i think i eventually told my mother, and she started buying old el paso taco kits. which makes me wonder about taquirias in reading. i mean, there's gotta be some. i guess mom doesn't ever have a late night taco craving, though. she's more the instant ice tea, saltines, and chocolate chips snitched from the bag in the freezer type.

oh, so more about my mother- was talking to stacy today. (who of course, called us, cause though i promsed to call her first the next time i have sex, i will most likely never have the opertunity... i told you about my new wardrobe making ch call me his doppelslut? i was saying to him sadly today when i put on the sluts of pride mix, i'd like to be a slut, but i'm not very good at it. i've been very unsuccessful. and he says it's a mindset and it's just not me and it's probably not gonna happen. i said maybe i could get therapy and that would make me a better slut. he said i could try, but chrystal meth would probably be more successful. but i'm skin and bones already. can you imagine me as a meth adict?) i don't remember how we started talking about my mom, but i was telling her about marty and she kept probing about why i don't like him, and she said, "well, and he goes down on her," to which i thought the best reply was, "eww, let me put you on hold, talk to ch now." but while he was talking i had the perfect esprit de escalier, which i made him tell her. i SHOULD have said, um, no, i don't think so, she seems more the type to take it up the ass.

but come on. someone's mother? you don't say that. eww. ch was talking to me later today, and i said that the most upsetting part of the thought to me was his mustache. and ch said, "please. i've seen plenty of sex toys with mustaches" which is so so funny, of course refering to this:

anyway, after work today i quit the fashion designer. i think she's as glad to see me go as i am to be done with her. now the last 2 jackets are just sewing for my freedom.

and when i got home, i finally got my diva dating matches!! and blond mohawk girl? checked not interested in me. i'm heartbroken. ok, that's just cause it's friday night. but 2 other total cuties also checked not interested. in fact, only 4 people, out of the 14 i dated checked friendship. no one thinks i'm dateable. maybe it's just friday, but it sure makes me feel unloveable. of the 4, one is runner up for cutest girl there, so that's nice- i didn't actually date her, just wrote her number down at the very end, because i tried to strike up a conversation, and she thought she'd met me before, maybe at dyke march. one is her friend, who was lots of fun, one was one of the first people i dated so i didn't take very good notes and have a hard time remembering her, and one i have "not convinced" as her discription.. as i recall, she was kinda frumpy, but kind.

so i was feeling really self loathing and totally un-loveable. but i ate my lentils and mint, and christopher called and said that he only needs one assistant for spectacle, and he wants me. and he has to tell the other person he doesn't want him. so those things made me feel a little bit better.

so now there are so many options of things to do tonight. a really hot girl band is playing at the jackhammer's flesh hungry dog show tonight. ember swift is playing at the speakeasy. and i was planning on going to the black and white dance party at circut, but now i don't think i can bear it. i'm tired of everyone being paired, even if it is just with friends. and i don't wanna run into any of the 8 woment who are not interested in me. and it's raining. but i think i'll be friendlier at the party since i'm so depressed, and if i stay at home, i'll just keep going down farther.


found item

ok, i think i have a new obsession. instead of throwing my recipt from the library away, i'm going to stick it in the the book who's next reader i think will most apriciate it. i just found one for christine w wood who on feb 25 checked out how emotions work, the white album, after henry, all things human, edge of twilight, odd girl out, pulp friction: uncovering..., the girls in 3-b and return to lesbos.

isn't this facinating? i love strangers lists.


who does god like best?

i of course have so many things to blog to you about, but i was gonna get my pants done first, before i told you all about speed dating, or s, or any of the other things on the slip of paper in my back pocket. but then i was reading the newspaper while eating dinner and came across this article buried inside: Iraqi deaths hit record in July and it made me furious. especially when thinking about the headline a few pages before, which was Army enlists more low-scorers 'Best, brightest' not enough to meet goal. there are all these memorials for soldiers, printing their pictures and names and stuff- but the fact still remains that there are iraqi civilians dying and not even giving the dignity of going to the morgue. civilians means regular people- humans, just like americans. people who have cousins and birthday parties. people who read books and eat vegetables. children. women who blog. people just like me. people who live in a city not so very different than chicago, a city that my country is systematically destroying- without heed to the people who inhabit it. those who are surviving int the ruins. war is so ungainly, such a clumsy and awkward way to atain anything. surprisingly enough, we are failing miserably. we're working our way through the smart and willing, now we're shipping the un-clever and willing, one can only assume that we will then go to town on the unwiling. unless, of course, we run out of iraqis, first. it's like soldiers are so honored and nobel, a higher class of people, as opposed to arabs, who are lower. which reminds me of this article, "christians like israel" which talks about israel putting ads on fox news to get christian support. i think it would be hilarious if it wasn't so serious. the christians, they never liked the jews much, but compared to arabs, wow! best friends! i haven't been following all the israel/ lebanon stuff very closely, and i'm sure it's agonisingly two sided. but i love how the way to reach the hearts of the american people, who are apparently the evangelical christians, is through tv comercials.



ok, it's 11am now. i have 9 hrs to finish all the bowling ball bags (as well as, you know, eat meals, that sort of thing.) i'd like to do the dishes too. IF i get it all done, and maybe, just maybe get the pants cut out as well, then i can go to dykediva's speed dating at big chicks tonight. a worthy goal to work for, huh?

what am i doing blogging now, then? good question. to stop being so overwhelmed. sewing i have to do:

4 bags for bag lady- due asap
2 pairs of pants (pattern needs to be re-graded) due this friday and 2 white jackets (which i hate) due next friday
18-20 hrs worth of curtains for david's show, due a week from sunday.

add to this tom's housewarming this saturday and ch moving next saturday, and my dr's appt. next wednesday, and you've got a pretty stressed caitlin. also, christopher says he really can hire people for spectacle this year. so that will be a long term gig from september to may, 10$ an hour. SO, i suppose i can't really quit the fashion desginer until i'm SURE of the spectacle job. but i don't wanna ever do a white jacket for her again.



somebody please tell me it's ok to quit the fashion designer.


useless day

goddess, it's awful. i will never get my work done. i'm about 2 days behind. i MUST finish these bags- i haven't even started them yet, and it's been almost a week. meanwhile, i have about a week to do 2 more jackets and 2 more pairs of pants for the fashion designer. i feel like i'm working all the time, and never catching up. i need to stop doing things like going to milwalkee and reading in bed in the morning and GET SEWING. i am about a month behind in my emails- i need to write long letters to so, so, so many people. i finished the pants today and went to the library. took the trash out. went grocery shopping. that's about it. NOT a hard worker. sigh.

stayed up too late finishing my book last night, and i think that's what's made me so lathargic all day. tripping the velvet by sarah waters. amazing. i was trying to savor it, but then last night i couldn't help it, i couldn't stop reading. if dickens wrote about a lesbian, this is the book he would write. her voice is so strong- all the slang, the details were perfectly 1890s. it was hard to believe it was written a century later.

i've been going through a slew of good books lately. i returned flb's necklace of kisses today, and wrote all sorts of quotes in my quotebook from it. i found this one, which i find to be a perfect summary of the book: "so that evening, weetzie wore the neckace made of gifts from a mermaid, a diva, a fairy, an angel and a faun, and fashioned by a genie who, years before, weetzie had set free from his lamp. with it, she wore her pink sandals and a strapless white satin minidress she had made with a sheet from the gift store, using her minature hotel sewing kit." is it any wonder i want to grow up to be weetzie bat? where is my secret agent lover man?

on that note, the fest goers leave today. they'll all be at work tomorrow, just like me. another year has past- i survived staying at home just fine. still lonely and jelous, but hey.



woke up inexplicably early this morning, so i got more list stuff done before i left. i hoped right out of bed and turned on the oven, then baked the tofu that had been marinating all night. while that was baking, i sat down at the kitchen table (still naked, mind you) and pitted ALL THOSE CHERRIES. i was so glad i did it this morning, too, because i think if i waited until tonight, even, they would have been too far gone. there were 2 moldy ones. i kept thinking of that new ad on myspace- the security one that tells you NIFOC stands for naked in front of computer. ch changed it to NIFOCWIC recently- naked in front of computer with ice cream. so i was thinking about that as i was mindlessly squirting cherry juice everywhere. crazily mixed up the crisp topping and threw it in the oven, then got myself ready for the day and packed a lunch. (including a marinated tofu sandwich, which was what started this whole mess.) got downtown with no problems, megabus was right on time, and the trip was a breeze.

i hadn't printed out my ticket or maps or anything because my printer is broken. i made some notes of street names and my ticket number, but my first stop was to be the visitor center. i am a big believer in visitor centers. i learned how to use them in europe, and chicago's is so great, that i try to stop by everywhere if for nothing else than a map. i needed:
a. a street map
b. suggestions for activities after the museum closed
c. suggestions for a place to eat a vegetarian dinner.
well, the center near the train station was in a big buisnessy building- completely locked up on saturday. i walked around it for a while, but i didn't wanna waste too much of my foot power because i knew i'd be doing nothing but walking all day. so i headed east to the museum. i knew it was about a mile, but it seemed much shorter- there are the smallest blocks in downtown milwalkee. wisconsin street seems to be like jackson or adams downtown- lots of places for suits to go for lunch, abandoned looking on a saturday afternoon. but i knew i was heading in the right direction because i could see the lake through the trees. and pretty soon i could see the wings of the museum, too:
the architecture really was fabulous. it felt like walking in modern art. this is life inside the painting, or something.
the comics exhibition was great, defintately worth the trip. hopefully this will link to a movie. the problem was, of course, that i could only focus on the special exhibition. i felt the same way about the tate in london- i was so excited about the william blake exhibition that i didn't see any of their collection. there were 15 artists featured. the gallery was just packed, i guess i wasn't the only person who wanted to squeeze it in in the last weekend. i loved the newspaper comics from the begining of the century- i read everything they had by the first three artists- Winsor McCay's Little Nemo in Slumberland, Lyonel Feininger's The Kin-der-Kid and George Herriman's Krazy Kat. i started to skim when i got to E.C. Segar's Popeye. i stopped reading the stuff in the cases, i stuck to what was on the walls- i was too short to comfortably read in the cases, they were too high, and i knew i'd be yelled at if i leaned on the glass. i realized i really should keep moving when i got to the second room. i loved Frank King's Gasoline Alley- cause the characters age in real time! and Charle M Schultz's Peanuts i'd mostly read already in my grandma's living room. I pretty much skipped Chester Gould (Dick Tracy) and Will Eisner (The Spirit). i have absolutely no memory of Milton Caniff's work (and i feel like i should, with that great name!) next came Jack Kirby, who drew Captain America and Fantastic Four and Harvey Kurtzman, who did MAD magazine. i liked them both, though i'm more of a comic strip than comic book sorta gal. R. Crumb's work looked SO FAMILIAR to me= maybe something from the reader? but i couldn't figure out why. i wished i had time to read more of his. Art Spiegleman's work was from Maus, which i ADORED, and the shadow of no towers, which the reader printed for awhile and i could not get into. Chris Ware continues to baffle me- i'd read more of the ones exhibited than i'd expected, yet still i longed for more storyline, more plot, some sort of happy ending- or even a sad one- or even character development!- yet i can't stop reading them. the last was Gary Panter, a whole wall crammed, and it was too overwhelming, i'd been squinting too long, i went right for the gift shop. i'll put in the exhibition link in lieu of pictures- you know i love putting in pictures pulled from the internet, but comics don't really thumbnail well, and i couldnt' find images i liked.

so i had about half an hour left to hit the entire rest of the museum! i didn't quite make it, but i did see some modern art highlights. the award for "oh, i always wanted to see that" goes to andy warhol's brillo box and cambells soup cans.
the "modern art never ceases to facinate me" was probably the very realistic Janitor by duane hanson:
the "new favorite piece from an old favorite artist" is a water lillies by roy lichtenstein. i'd never seen it before, but it's great. i love "covers" i music and in art. and i like how he uses the steel instead of just painting all over it. you know i'm a sucker for something shiny. this isn't the same one, but it gives you the idea:
the piece that made me stop, and stare, and go "WOW. how have i studied art so long, been to so many museums, and missed this? this is amazing! this is beautiful!" was Jules Bastien-Lepage's The Wood Gatherer, 1881. it's in the room with the monets and other impressionists, and the wood gatherer and the kid are walking through this impressionistic forest, but their faces, and the sticks, are photorealistic. it's very disconcerting, like you can't focus on the forest, but i love it the way i love john singer sargent. i wish i could make such general strokes convey exactly the line, shape, color, object i want them to. it also reminded me of jerry uelsmann's darkroom mashups- it doesn't look collaged, but seamless from one style to the other in the same painting. i know the image will not do it justice, but here it is:
and the "oh, and old friend, even though i am far from home i feel comforted by having something familar just around the corner" goes to their gerhard richter. i KNOW i don't like abstract expressionism. but his are so beautiful, so textured and shiny. i don't know what it is about them they are the exception to that rule for me.

shoot! i have already typed way too long about my day, and i haven't left the museum yet! so the admissions desk had maps, so at 5 i collected my bag and went outside to watch the wings close and plan my next move. i saw the summerfest grounds were having the arab world festival, so i decided to walk down to that- then proceeded to walk back, because admission was $10. this is NOT grant park. there was this awesome musical sculpture garden, i tried to take a picture, but it's a better picture of the museum with it's wings closed: so the half circle things were covered in those lame dots from advertizing, and they made the softest calmest flapping sound in the wind. and the benches had mallets attached so you could play them like xylophones. and the gravel had this metal sculpture that you could pick up handfuls of the gravel and drop it in and it would plink down like wind chimes. it was really cool.

i wandered. my feet hurt, i had to pee, i was hungry, and i wasn't interested in eating my snacks because i'd already drank all the water out of my nalgene. it was bad. then i saw people. sitting at tables, outside bars. i went in the irish pub, found a nice appetizer, had a mike's hard lemonade, the muzak played annie lennox's sweet dreams, and life was good again. perhaps i lingered too long- i really had to rush to get back to the bus stop on time. i was worried, but then the bus was 20 min. late, so i had no problems. luckily there were 3 really drunk girls just off a brewery tour to keep me entertained while waiting. they were drunk dialing all sorts of boys. i bet they regret it tomorrow.

the trip back was fast, i finished knitting my socks, started on an ipod cover just for something to do. came home, turned on the computer, wrote to you. but now i'm done. and i'm going to reward myself with some of that cherry crisp.

half way

ok, i got my list about half acompished. see, as i was closing up shop today becky called, and we had the nicest conversation, but then i was distracted by a customer, and i ended up being at work 1/2 hr. later than usual. which would have been fine, except then on my commute home ch called, and said he was borrowing his roommate's car and going to target, and asked if i wanted to come with and then go out for middle eastern food... who says no to that? so i went to his house instead of mine, and we did the above, and it was marvelous, however, i didn't get home till well after 8. and i STILL would have gotten the pants done except my mother's desktop wasn't appearing on her computer. so i had to do an HOUR of tech support with her. i finally started serging while i was waiting for her computer to load. it is SOOO frustrating. so the pants are mostly constructed, but i still need to do the waistband and cuffs. i have my tofu marinating, but i don't have time to bake it. i hope my fruit stays good until i have time to bake IT. but right now, i'm going to bed, so i'll be fresh for my field trip to milwalkee tomorrow. oh, but i got REALLY exciting mail! southwest (LOVE THEM!) sent me an apology letter for my awful experience in the weather coming home from the beach, and a voucher for a free round trip flight! where should i go? it's good for a year, anywhere southwest flies to...

anyway, will type again tomorrow after milwalkee- i'll tell you how it goes!


must finish pants!

ok, so it's 9 and i haven't started cutting out the pants yet, so if i'm going to make it to milwalkee tomorrow i need to get on that. so i'm not going to type at all, but i will give you a cell phone photo for your viewing pleasure:



have i mentioned yet how the fashion designer is kicking my ass? she seems to call daily. woke me up this morning, wanted me to come in eariler can't believe how long this stuff is taking me. am so far behind. i just want out. so what am i doing? going to wisconsin this weekend. gonna spend the day in milwalkee saturday- just bought my ticket. take that!

so after i traveled to the fashion designers, i went downtown to have a drink with ch after work. it was lovely. i love the whole, i'm getting on the blue line, you're walking from the sears tower... let's meet at the black and white sculpture in front of the tompson center! it was the perfect midpoint. ch loves my new blue jeans, which i wore with a girly tank top- ch said i looked very sporty. i was pleased. a says she prefers to wear blue jeans she feels sexy in, but i do feel sexy in these, just a different kind of sexy.

so the family got an email from meike today with pictures. and when i checked my rainheads account yesterday, i'd gotten an email from michi. and then, well, if you read my comments you saw i got one from RUTH! (did you stop back by? if so, hej ruth!) i think this is kind of amazing, that 2 days after i say i feel like i'm loosing all connections to germany 3 of my german friends type to me.

in general i've been feeling loved the past few days. emails, phone calls- probably more than i deserve, seeing as i'm so busy. i'm sad that the fashion designer leaves me so little time of my own... or rather, i'm sad i use it to lay in bed with my book and my bon bons. when school was out i swore i'd say yes to everything. now it seems like i say no to all but the most important so i can spend more time sewing. look at gay games- i didn't go to the hot house once. what was i DOING? anyway, i'm going to give up sleep if neccesary, but i am not going to say no to activities anymore. i'm going to figure draw wednesday nights. i'm going to go LBGT square dancing. and gosh darn it, i'm going to milwalkee this weekend. the worst that can happen is the fashion designer fires me. and lets face it, that would be a relief at this point.


just put on weepies radio again, but had to turn it off so i can sing along to take it from me. because, you know, i can't blog and sing at the same time.

today is the day everyone goes to fest. yes those are tears shining in my eyes. the richest lesbian in chicago called to place an order today. ch ended the conversation with "have a good time in michigan." just to rub it in for me. ( i think she's going to like a lake house, not fest, but still.) so i've been sad due to my unmusicfestival week, and the sewing that is replacing it.

so at the end of the day today i told ch i was going to h&m buy boy pants after work, because i still believe in cash therapy. he told me HE'D go to sears, cause they're cheeper, but i'm more stylish than he is. well, he was so right. h&m on state only has a men's section, and it's mostly stuffy suits and other grown up clothes. i did really well in the little boys section of sears, though! (and it's right next door- how convienient!) i told ch, and he was like, did you buy a shirt with a dump truck on it? NO, actually, i bought a wardrobe that's a minature version of ch's. with our fuzzy heads and black square (ironic hipster) glasses, we can now dress alike, too. (kira, you'll have to let jimmy know.) i had a hard time figuring out my size- when i took my waist measurement and my height, it came out to just a 10, which is like an 8year old who weighs 75#. i finally decided on medium shirts and 16 pants. so i bought 2 short sleeved plaid button down shirts, a pair of cargo shorts (SHORTS! I KNOW! it's been WELL over 10 years since i've worn SHORTS) and a pair of jeans that fit me better than any pants i've ever worn before. no, actualy, there were those jeans of leah's. (i love wearing other people's clothes.) but certainly better than any pants i've ever bought before. they are the perfect length! i don't have to wear a belt- yet i can sit down in them! they are baggy and dark denim and real levis and a steal at 19.99. pictures soon, i promise. i will take a cell phone photo tomorrow when the light's better.

i can give you photos, however. my mom's been uploading like crazy on her photostream. so first, photos of the vacation i didn't take, since i chose not to go to the farm:

which my mom has titled, "good lookin girls and a turkey"
and a potluck photo with j in it, just to lend it all some authenticity- a character you all recognize.

finally, this one of my mother which CRACKS ME UP, she has it labled, "nancy the pacifist"

ok, so on to pictures of me at the beach!
z and her hot new boyfriend-i mean, sister

me on the beach in the cute new suit z bought for me:

the party in a box with their ice cream (you can just imagine them all lined up in their bikinis!)

and z and i, being very patriotic with our ice cream:

z extoling the virtues of the wine, and you can see what i thought of it...

and finally, what i wish my life was like right now:

book, cell phone, cowgirl hat- what more does a girl need?


that dog just got punched in the nose by a lesbian

got nothing done today. finally started the list at 6. i can't seem to sew these days. totally sucks. anyway, one of my list items is "blog- see pocket" so the piece of paper in the back of yesterdays jeans contains the subject line. it's from market days, waiting for brazillian girls to start playing there was a pack of tatooed pierced babydykes dancing close and kissing and giggling in front of us. reminded me of how everyone i know is in michigan. made me sad and lonely. one of them had a tiny dog in a a handbag, like paris hilton or something. ch was so offended- "what is that poor thing doing here! she needs to take him home! did you see! that dog just got punched in the nose by a lesbian!"

while i've been sewing i've also been loading the stack of cds mom lent me onto the computer. all this folk music from the 90's that i've been missing. it's great. she lent me a cd from falcon ridge festival's main stage. it made me SOOO nostalgic. i wanna be at a music festival!!! why am i in the city all summer? why didn't i go to lolapollooza this weekend? why didn't i ever go to falcon ridge? why not old songs or philly folk fest this year? most importantly, why am i not in michigan? the music is good, the feelings are sad.

talking about sad feelings, i feel like my connections to germany are slipping farther and farther out of my grasp. i wore the rabbit = tai4e that ruth gave to me (that katja gave her...) to work on friday, and ch asked me what it meant. and i started to explain, and i realized i had absolutely no idea. all i could say was, "it's a bulgarian pun."

i'm so behind not just on sewing but on life. i spent 15 minutes listening to all my voicemails, calling back the friends who i've been putting off all week. as far as emails, well, don't even ask. my rear window employer actually called me because i haven't gotten back to him. any idea what an awful employee that makes me feel like? i want to to milwalkee so badly this weekend to see the american comics gallery at the museum there, but i think i'm going to miss it.

and one more story, that will totally clear me out of little papers: some guy being bitchy to ch in the elevator, kept going, are those balloons for me? i'll take those? and just not leaving it alone- there was another woman with ch who was getting more and more uncomfortable. and so ch decides to face him head on, and entertain her, and says to him, "why don't you find a kitten to drown?" the woman titters. guy keeps giving ch a hard time, and as ch leaves the elevator he turns and says to the guy, "i could tell you good morning- but i wouldn't mean it." don't know why i wasn't able to work that into the blog at the time....

the only other slip i have was supposed to be a title at one point. it's a james blunt lyric, "i won't be your concubine, i'm a puppet not a whore." but i might as well type it in now, and throw the paper away, cause i'm never going to use it. i can't imagine it ever making sense. while a puppet, i would love the opertunity to be something closer to whore- i'd be just about anyone's concubine.

but right now i'm going to see how many jacket linings i can sew up. don't hold your breath.


sorry it's been so long. houseguests, you know? did my typical can't-get-out-of-bed thing saturday morning, then sewed frantically to get finished before i had to meet with the fashion designer. i was so over it all. but we had our little meeting, and i went out to catch the division st bus. after 5 or 10 min, the fashion designer comes out and waits with me- she's on her way to chinatown. but it's ok, because soon enough the bus will come and i can crawl into my book and escape. but no. we chat and chat, the flow of smalltalk is unending, i know so much more about her than i ever wanted to, and still the bus doesn't come. i call the cta= there was supposed to be one at 7.20 and another at 7.40. there is no sign. there's one other guy waiting with us- he says, let's order a pizza, knock out the driver and steal his car. the fashion designer decides she's just going to go home and go to chinatown tomorrow. i just want outta here. eventually they end up getting a cab- the fashion designer says split 3 ways it will only be about $2 to the red line- what we would have paid on the bus anyway. so thats what we do. the division st bus never ever does come. who knows how long i would have been waiting. i'd already wasted 45 minutes of my life on that corner. it was pretty bad.

once i get home anne and tammy arrive. i had a good time with their visit, both for sat night and just anne for sunday and monday. actually, all we did was sit in my kitchen and talk- they had enough to do in the city by themselves. nothing really intense or awkward or uncomfortable. last night with anne we stayed up rather late talking about health and faith and life purpose. so it could have been really awful and so i guess i'm just really greatful that i feel like she respects me and my opinions, even though they are so very very different than hers. whatever- all this to say, i love houseguests. oh, and we made the most amazingly beautiful fruit salad- peaches and kiwi and blueberries and pineapple and cherries- i took the last pics with my roll of film from the beach, so hopefully those all will be posted soon.

i'm a little out of chronology here, though- sunday i talked to l and texted s, then chatted with ch and a- a regular lineup of the letters with my free weekend minutes. tried to get sewing accomplished unsuccessfully- i just put off eating all day until i got to a good stopping point, but i never did. i wanted to have the jackets done so i could work on the pants today, but i only have them cut out. i am such a lazy bum i should not be permitted to work for myself.

finally at 5 or so i had to quit to cook- (odessa beets, cold gingered asparagus, pasta salad with honey mustard vinagrette, if you must know) and felt better then. met ch and hugo for market days- which was fine, not that different from any street festival. except of course, the pride parade crowd. the paired girls were really getting me down. i'm sure if i was a gay man i would cry and pout about the meat market and doesn't anyone believe in true love or long term relationships? but lesbians are just so evenly numbered. am i the only girl in the city who ever does anything alone? i don't think there's anything wrong with that. and i guess i wasn't really alone, either, i was with ch and hugo, who were quite kind to me, sharing fried sweet potato buttterfly chips and cuddling.
doesn't ch have the best camera phone?
i'm amazed at the photo quality he gets. last week when we watched anything else, he took this one of me in the setting sun: it was very butterscotchy, and i felt kinda like a kitty cat with my tofu hash.

but now, the weekend is over, and monday is over, and i am behind not just in sewing but in life. i need to take some flower remedies- i don't know how i can feel overwhemed by the amount of people whose voicemails i need to return and at the same time so deeply essentially lonely and unloveable. i mean really, could you choose? one or the other, please.


friday adventures

wild day at work today- i opened for ch today and took more orders before he got in that all of last year's first friday in august. deliveries to make, lost paperwork to find, on and on....

i left early for my doctor's appointment. my review of the howard brown health center? by far the most positive medical experience i've ever had in chicago. maybe ever. (though i do like my dentist. ) but i've slid off the bottom of their sliding scale, apparently, 'cause my visit cost next to nothing. and for my pennies i got exquisite care. my nurse practitioner is someone right out of the reading birth & women's center, someone my mom used to work with. her boss always said you should never see a doctor who isn't absolutely delighted to see you, and that's certainly what i thought of when i met her. she even convinced me to get a pap smear in 3 weeks, so you can just imagine how charming.

so after that, i came home and cleaned the house for anne and tammy's visit this weekend. and called the fashion designer and bag lady. i have so much sewing to do while my guests are in town! hugo's in a shakespeare play, so i said i'd go see it, since ch doesn't even like shakespeare. it was fine, it's easy for shakespeare to be agonzing, but it made me realize how lucky i was with my theater school education- we always bitched about the theater dept. having no money compared to film, but really we didn't do that badly. anyway, it was a fine distraction, but i really shouldn't have taken so much time away from sewing. and i should, you know, deal with food at some point. go grocery shopping, cook, eat, that sort of thing.

got home from the play and graded the 2nd suit pattern. wanted to cut it out today, too, but then i had to move in front of the computer to change the cd and it sucked me in. fucking friday night. what is WRONG with me? why do i torture myself on myspace? i'm feeling like shit anyway. the fashion designer makes me feel lazy and slipshod, the cat wants to fight, i keep going back to that LJ entry that calls me a jerk. i keep worrying about "definately need to talk about some things." and i surf myspace. i read all those comments, and i feel sorry for myself. ashley came down today to buy anniversary flowers, and she & i had a lovely chat- she's going to michigan this year. yep. makes me feel i am officially the only dyke in the entire us who won't be there. i got so sad last night looking through last years' posts. all that hope i had? a year later, what do i have to show for it? that feeling of community, of a place where i was loved and belonged? yeah, there's a community there all right. but i'm not a part of it. i know i should be content with what i have. last week on the beach. a weekend with the christian doctors. ch's promise of fun at market days... but secretly, deep down inside, i know it's just substitutes for the people i really want to love me, and while they are very nice and kind and welcoming, i'm just not good enough. my absence won't even be noticed, let alone missed.

and that is why i should not be alowed to blog on friday nights. because then you get such self-pitying drivel as above, that should not see the light of day. i say "but secretly" but really it's not a secret if i blog about it. i do exist. i blog. people read it. even if they don't leave comments, still they lurk out there, some browsing. some actually interested. what the fuck more do i want?


beach, etc.

was not in a good place when i left for the beach. i had wanted to take s's cd with me, but i hadn't heard from her in 2 days. i asked her to text me while i was on the plane, and it made my heart thrill when my phone went brrring upon turning it back on. funny how quickly the feeling went from a thrill in the heart to dread in the stomach, when it was 3 messages from l, telling me how her "where have you been" wasn't supposed to be mean, and this week has been really hard for her with not being able to get around and she misses me, and then thanking me for making her look like a bitch on my blog. she really needed that this week, thanks.

read the last post. do YOU think i made her look like a bitch? as i recall, the only judgement i made of her is how good she is at using hair product. the first part was entirely self-hating, how i can let her get to me so much, have the things she says fuck me up so much, let her influence my feelings and general state of well being. for instance, how i felt like SUCH SHIT in the airport, for making the poor girl look like a bitch on my blog after she's had such a bad week and can't even walk, for goddesssakes. so i sent a mean TM back to her, so she couldn't hurt me anymore. because that's apparently what our relationship is now. she hurts me, and instead of me apologizing profusely for it, now i hurt her back, and we just take turns being hurt, offended, and cruel.

so back to the narrative, then i realize my uncle's flight is NOT coming in when i thought it was, and i panic and make my mom check my email, and i learn i scheduled my flight to arrive an hour before his DEPARTS, not ARRIVES. so i have another 3 hrs. to kill in the philadelphia airport. i'm just a mess with all of this- a huge wreck. i call a, and wake her up, and her new piercings have oozed all over her pillow and created hives all up and down her neck. not exactly the comfort i was looking for. my mother tells me to eat something and charge a book to her credit card. i promised a i wouldn't make contact with s again, but i end up sending her a TM- and she responds. her phone's been at her aunts for the past 2 days- she hasn't been ignoring me. so that and my salad totally changes my day around. i sit in the pedway between the terminals, rocking on a rocking chair (i love philly) and watch my uncles plane pull up to the gate. i decide to tell no one about my scheduling error. no problems with meeting my uncle or the drive down to rehoboth- we make it in under 2 hrs.

it's so interesting to me, this place so familiar yet so foreign. this place i have never lived, never been anything but a vacationer, yet a place filled with childhood memories, filled with family. all is as it should be when we arrive- poppop's watching gameshows on tv, my cousins are being loud and brown and beautiful, putting together the week's jigsaw puzzle. my aunt's in the kitchen, with her plates of veggies and cheese and ring baloney set out. dad and z arrive, and we all all who we are supposed to be. i am still awed and honored z and i are friends- it makes me feel so much like i have a place in the panorama. both of those feelings happened at the same time, and i wonder if that is just coincidence, or if they influenced one another? we ate dinner, played games, were noisy enough to have poppop worry about the neighbors. a lovely typical night.

and then the next day at the beach. the ocean was eerily calm the whole time i was there. waves no bigger than lake michigan in winter. there were terrible rocks right where they broke, however, which would have been trecherous had the waves been any more powerful. there were jellyfish the first few days, but they seems to be innoculous- no one got stung, people threw them around and made breast implant jokes. i love the ocean, like my dad and the entire party in a box family. i am facinated by how the world can be split into the ocean lovers and the ocean fearers. now, don't get me wrong, i was taught as a small child how powerful the ocean is, how i must have respect for it. but there are so many other aunts, second cousins, new girlfriends, who are so squeemish, so scared, and it's so interesting to watch. most everyone went in this week, cause it was so calm- and the beach was so hot. i know fears aren't logical, but i guess it's how spider lovers look at arachniphobes. is that even a word? am i making any sense?
the quality of my cameraphone pictures continues to be bad. i took my film camera to the beach one day, so hopefully i'll have some good shots when that's developed. you know i'll be posting them. this one was just such a nice composition- sarah between the umbrella poles- i wish i'd had the equipment to do it justice. what i REALLY should have done was a painting. i carried my watercolor set with me the whole time but never did a single painting. i was sorry about that.
and i spent too much time reading- a necklace of kisses by francesca lia block, fun home by allison betchel, size 12 is not fat by meg cabot. all wonderful, just superb. the first 2 books to savor, to roll the words or pictures around in your mouth, to discuss the boquet and such like my sister and uncle talking about wine. what i wanted most from them was to share them. all were fabulous beach books.
we did all the neccesary beach things. z and i spent a morning shopping down rehoboth ave, the whole fam walked down the boardwalk one night. i didn't use any of my ride tickets- i guess a night at the rides was replaced by a night at tijuana taxi, the supposed best margarita joint. it was fun- it was the night z and i were unchaperoned, between parents, and dad had left us some cash. we were all lined up all around the bar, but then sarah and her boyfriend, z and i moved to a table behind the bar, and the vegan anarchist cousin and her fiance and brother and father joined us, and it made for a totally fun bunch.

it was really enlightening to me. cause the party in a box- they are just a phenomenon. walking down the street with them, they just start clapping, then pounding on street signs, tap dancing in flip flops, this walking rhythym section. they are life, family, attitude and energy incarnate. on the beach their 3 perfect shiny brown bodies in their interchangeable little bikinis mirror each other, as they all line up to work on their tans and read their books. and they are beautiful. so it was such a revalation to me when their mom revealed a darker side to this symetry to me, whispered tales of anorexia, cutting, cancer. stories of disconnect, tears, hugs. i am honored to carry their stories, and i am glad to see them as real humans, individuals instead of merely a phenomenon of sisters. yet it also makes me sad, that this tanned ideal is not the whole truth, that my family too i scarred with such sad things.

i came out to the oldest party-in-a-box cousin and her boyfriend. it was fabulous, cause it happened my favorite way. she was talking about how she came to the beach 2 weeks after meeting bf a couple of years ago, and he said he missed her so much while she was here. and i said, i understood, i'd just met someone i was missing seriously. and she said, oh, who is he? and i could say, well, actually, it's SHE... and the youngest one, she's apparently all into myspace, so i just asked her to be my friend. so once she looks at my profile i'll be out to her too. the homophobia can be pretty rampant in ocean conversation, but it was just bad attitude this year, no direct comments. z told me she was all ready to get up in the face of anyone who said anything specific, so that made me feel loved. at rehoboth, of course, it's always there- the story of the week was how this guy in matching orange thongs and a thong was checking out the bf (who, it must be admitted, bears a striking resemblance to johnny depp) the story changes depending on who tells it, usually with a mimic or discription of the scoping, a comment on how unaware johnny depp was, the jelousy of my cousin. it always ends with how she could totally take him on- it'd be a fair fight, but everyone thought she'd win. it's really interesting to me how attitudes mirror the bible- displeasure of boys, no mention of girls. it makes me wonder what god and conservatives think of lesbians- do they think of us at all?

oh my goodness. it's my bedtime. i've been blogging for like, 3 hours now. i keep getting distracted. i need to end this. so mom drove me to the airport for my 7.45 flight and i learned it was gonna be a little late. when i arrived at the gate it was specified an hour late- they had to make an emergency landing in IN for a medical problem. so i read my book and ate my reeses pieces and climbed on the plane, my C boarding catagory giving me a middle seat with a guy who was very possessive of the armrest and making me feel claustrophobic. so we're on the runway waiting to take off, and the FAA says we can't go to chicago= no one can go to chicago. the thunderstorms are too bad. every 40 minutes or so, we get the same message. still storming in chicago. they still won't let us take off. we're on the runway for another three hours. i'm tming, but i keep shutting my phone off, cause the battery's dying. it gets later and later. i call ch about public transport, he tells me the last orange line is at 12.55. we don't wanna loose our place in line, but we run out of water- no washing hands in the WC. so the pilot decides to go back to the gate to restock- when we get cleared for take off! so do we do. i am SO tired after spending the day on the beach. i finished my book in the first 30 min. of waiting, so all have is knitting and ipod. there is no way to get comfortable enough in the middle seat to sleep. i am miserable. we land in chicago at 1.50am. four and a half hours later than we were supposed to. no more trains to the city until 4am, so i wait in the incredibly long taxi stand line. luckily i can cab share to downtown and it only costs me $18. still, it's so expensive. i take the subway from there, arrive home at 3.45, and wake up all those who told me to call when i get home. both my mom and my dad say they are so sorry. i call work and leave a message that i'm not coming in till the cat wakes me up.

g, good old straight girl i'm in love with, sent me photos from france. here's one with her dad in paris. it's odd to me. i guess i still know her, but she's so far away now. she's got that new haircut, she's too grown up, too thin. there's a disconnect when i look at the pics that makes me ache.

have been reading all of last august, 2 august ago's archives. looking for old beach pics (damn you flickr for deleting more than 200! what's up with that?) two years ago i was meeting dana, rachel and erin. going to my mom's wedding. coming out to g. last year of course was michigan. reading last year's beach post and i'm amazed by the similarities and differences. still worship party in a box, have a very similar ocean paragraph... but self esteem was much better this year. body image was great, compared to last year. i wonder if it was simply the skirts on my new bathing suits? or perhaps the adorable androgyny of my new haircut with my contacts? i need to buy some boys pants, badly.

what i really need to do is eat something and go to bed, because i told ch i'd open for him tomorrow.