wild day at work today- i opened for ch today and took more orders before he got in that all of last year's first friday in august. deliveries to make, lost paperwork to find, on and on....
i left early for my doctor's appointment. my review of the howard brown health center? by far the most positive medical experience i've ever had in chicago. maybe ever. (though i do like my dentist. ) but i've slid off the bottom of their sliding scale, apparently, 'cause my visit cost next to nothing. and for my pennies i got exquisite care. my nurse practitioner is someone right out of the reading birth & women's center, someone my mom used to work with. her boss always said you should never see a doctor who isn't absolutely delighted to see you, and that's certainly what i thought of when i met her. she even convinced me to get a pap smear in 3 weeks, so you can just imagine how charming.
so after that, i came home and cleaned the house for anne and tammy's visit this weekend. and called the fashion designer and bag lady. i have so much sewing to do while my guests are in town! hugo's in a shakespeare play, so i said i'd go see it, since ch doesn't even like shakespeare. it was fine, it's easy for shakespeare to be agonzing, but it made me realize how lucky i was with my theater school education- we always bitched about the theater dept. having no money compared to film, but really we didn't do that badly. anyway, it was a fine distraction, but i really shouldn't have taken so much time away from sewing. and i should, you know, deal with food at some point. go grocery shopping, cook, eat, that sort of thing.
got home from the play and graded the 2nd suit pattern. wanted to cut it out today, too, but then i had to move in front of the computer to change the cd and it sucked me in. fucking friday night. what is WRONG with me? why do i torture myself on myspace? i'm feeling like shit anyway. the fashion designer makes me feel lazy and slipshod, the cat wants to fight, i keep going back to that LJ entry that calls me a jerk. i keep worrying about "definately need to talk about some things." and i surf myspace. i read all those comments, and i feel sorry for myself. ashley came down today to buy anniversary flowers, and she & i had a lovely chat- she's going to michigan this year. yep. makes me feel i am officially the only dyke in the entire us who won't be there. i got so sad last night looking through last years' posts. all that hope i had? a year later, what do i have to show for it? that feeling of community, of a place where i was loved and belonged? yeah, there's a community there all right. but i'm not a part of it. i know i should be content with what i have. last week on the beach. a weekend with the christian doctors. ch's promise of fun at market days... but secretly, deep down inside, i know it's just substitutes for the people i really want to love me, and while they are very nice and kind and welcoming, i'm just not good enough. my absence won't even be noticed, let alone missed.
and that is why i should not be alowed to blog on friday nights. because then you get such self-pitying drivel as above, that should not see the light of day. i say "but secretly" but really it's not a secret if i blog about it. i do exist. i blog. people read it. even if they don't leave comments, still they lurk out there, some browsing. some actually interested. what the fuck more do i want?
No comments:
Post a Comment