ugh. i could be in detroit for all the good this weekend's done me. am proud to say i left bed at 11 today and got all of my homework done. jen was online and i haven't seen her in a long time so we went out for lunch. it needed to be done, but it was pretty bad. first, she lives south on western and i live east on devon so it makes the most sense for us to meet at western and devon... so that pretty much garunteed me more indian food. then my bus came right away and she had to wait 30 min for hers, so i wandered around devon for about half an hour. however, i did go into a dollar store that sold hot water bottles and the orange tagged items were half off so i got a new hot water bottle for all of 59 cents. but anyway met jen, ate indian, but was wierd. jen's not the easiest person to chat with anyway, but i was in really bad form. i just kept zoning off into my chana masala, playing with the spoon, separating the oil from the top. she had to keep asking, "you ok, honey?" and i felt like such an idiot, some kind of drama queen begging for pity.

yes, i'm taking my flower remidies. the white chestunt seems to be mostly working, but the gentian which usally is so good is doing very little, and the bleeding heart's only so-so.

have i mentioned it's been raining all weekend? the bleeding hearts on magnolia st were neon lime with their hot pink hearts glowing out. it was very spring. the tulips are shrivelling in the sun, it gives me hope for may. the dirt puddles along my building have new hostas in them, bits of green and white by my building, very nice, and there's one lilly of the valley which will someday open.

not that lilly of the valley doesn't still make me embarrased and feel stupid with my snafu at work with them.

i need to go grocery shopping, but i can't imagine leaving the house again today. but i'm out of bagels, and i must have something for breakfast tomorrow. but nothing sounds good, i don't feel like eating, and i definately don't feel like cooking, so i'm not sure how i'm going to manage to put together a menu for the week. maybe i'll just go to the grocery store and buy stuff without a plan. and then there's the dishes. all those tupperwares of the indian food i threw away. goddess, it's sick. i'm such a bad steward. i think i can still use that term even though i'm not a christian anymore. there must be a new agey version for taking good care of your body, of others, of the world around you. you know, being greatful for the gifts you've been given and that shit.


falling apart

was in bed for 17 hrs. didn't even have a novel, just the last nick bantock. wrote a letter. but that's it. spent alot of time sleeping, daydreaming, pettimg the cat. didn't feel particularly bad, but couldn't make myself get up.

at 5 ch called and said he expected me over in 2 hrs. so i managed to get up, shower, haul my ass over there, to plop in front of his computer, tv. we drank lots of wine, which i needed. the movie was awful. it was an almodovar, great sounding, but in the end all the funny characters and brightly colored wall treatments coudn't make up for it being B-O-R-I-N-G. midway through l called and upset me and i couldn't really focus on the rest of the movie, just wanted to go back to my bed and brood. at the end hugo called ch and so we left together, ch walking west to hugo's house, me walking east to the train.

it's been raining all day, and i feel like my umbrella is doing nothing to stop the water from melting me, washing me away. i feel like a girl should have 5 good friends on her speed dial she can call when she can't get out of bed, and the chances are pretty good one of them will answer her. i just vacillate between feeling too busy and overwhelmed and poor in my life to do things to meet new people, make new friends. and i'm too picky, really. i only want to be friends with interesting people, people who are cute or funny or smart. but then on the other side is feeling like all of the people i like, who i want to be my friends, are too busy with their lives. a says this is a joe jones sounding neurosis, but i think joe jones would say they don't want to be his friend because they secretly dislike him. i just say their lives are too busy.

anyway, i've done none of my homework for this week. i do have to put some effort into these last 2 weeks or i won't graduate after all and that would be a pity. my life still seems to end in may. 2 weeks of school, mom and grandma come, and there are 4 days from when they leave before i depart for bermuda via pa. i come back to silence. there is nothing solid in my life. there's a visit from g at the begining of june, the flowershop 3 days a week if i can be faithful, beyond that there is no shape to my life but fear. fear and debt.

my refrigerator is full of rotting curry. everything i own is covered in cat hair. there is dirt all over my floors. but i did clean the cat box and take out the newspapers before going over to ch's tonight.

ch and i are always kidding, "kill me!" "i can't kill you, erin mckeown's coming to town" or something. i guess i'm just looking for a reason to live past may. i guess i just have to trust that something will become obvious the farther into may i get.


stories from the flower shop

ok, so the backstory and in-jokes you need to know.

a. stacy called with the news report about getting microchips inplanted in your kids so you always know where they are. better than cell phones. just like your pets. we discussed the all round creepiness of it.

b. we make jokes about how sending a man pink flowers will emasculate him, but not as much as balloons will. in fact, any poor man who recieves balloons will be immediately struck gay.

ok, so this story is actually from yesterday, when we were feeling all tired and dark. a woman calls, from a suburb of boston mass, and wants to send a balloon boquet to her son. this story is much funnier if you heard ch's new england accent. "no, i think the medium will be to laaage. he ownly has a cubicahle. yes, include some of those smiley face balloons, he always enjoyed those when he was a child..." etc.

we blew them up, tied on the weight, delivered them. ch said, this man will see the balloons, open the card and read it ("may the smile these balloons put on your face stay with you forever. xoxo, mom") and walk away. the balloons will not have struck him gay, but actually made him transexual. he will walk down the hallway and push the elevator button. the doors will open, and he will walk in. he will ride down to the first floor and walk out of the building and no one will see him again. he will carve the microchip out of his ass and leave it and his penis in a bag in the chicago river, which his mother will find when they start tracking him. i added, someday, he will be in bed with his lover and will be asked, what is this strange scar you have, this dent in your ass, and he will tell the long and sorrowful tale. but he has a new life now. the balloons freed him.

between ch's blog and my fiction writing class, the imagination is working well.

if anyone wants to hear about my fit of depression and cash therapy session last night, i'll blog about it, but i think the most important people i've already talked to it about. so leave a comment and i'll post the story of my first visit to the sex toy store, otherwise, i'll move on to the much more cheerful today.

so today i was doing the new customer letters. you remember those right, stamping floral experience on them? here, i took a picture today:

when i took the alphabet stamps out, however, i realized someone had re-arranged them:

i snapped the shot and showed ch when he came back from watering plants. he just LOST IT. when he could talk again, he said hugo had done it the friday he'd been in the shop 2 weeks ago. isn't it fucking hilarious? brought joy to my stamping experience.

but now i need to play with my kitten. will type more later.


kill me

it's been the kind of day that makes you want to jump into lower level three.

the cat woke me up twice last night. what is with her penchant for playing with noisy things at 4 and crying at 6? exhasuted when i woke up. bad sign. ch and i both were just dragging. he's been getting even less sleep than me. luckily it's been the holiday that's dragging us down, so we're kinda going together and holding each other gently, rather than carefully walking around each other in awkward bubbles of miscommunication. but oh, it was a long day.

and my house is so cold. i slept with my sweatshirt and a scarf over my pjs last night, under my feather duvet and a quilt, and my hot water bottle. it took all my strength of will to leave bed this morning. wore a tanktop, a tshirt and a thin sweater to work today and was still cold. ch joked it's my indian food not giving me enough protein, but perhaps he's right. i'm so tired of it that' i've been eating very small portions. and i'm not allowed to buy more food until the week is over. even our holiday pizza i was too busy to eat more than a piece or two of yesterday, and ch and i both counted on having it for lunch today, so we shared and it wasn't very much.

the crowning moment of the day was this awful order- someone from the bank brought down balloons for us to inflate for first thing tomorrow morning. it's a sucky order anyway, cause it's so much labor and no profit when they provide the balloons. and first thing tomorrow is kicking us while we're down. there was no way we were coming in early tomorrow, so we filled them with hi-float, this expensive liquid latex snot that makes balloons float longer. so i was squeezing snot into all of them, and they were these little cheap old balloons, and ch was blowing them up and they kept popping. wasting our time, wasting our helium, scaring us, fracturing our poor frazzled nerves. but they're so cheap they'll shrink by tomorrow morning, so we had to over fill them, and oh, i just wanted to cry. ch was covered in balloon snot, our floor was covered in the brightly colored condom pieces, and it was just an agonizing end to our agonizing day. they gave us 57 balloons and we were able to inflate, tie, string and bag 40 of them.

we rode the train home together, basically propping each other up. i got really depressed, i think i may shave my head tonight. i mean, i'm going to be doing it in 2 weeks anyway for graduation. but i don't know, who should i have help me, or should i do it alone? my mom will be here right for graduation. and did i tell you?!!?? gabrielle's coming for u of c graduation the begining of june!!! so she'll be here right after the cruise- i'm thinking i should keep them that long then have her help me.

maybe i'll just go to bed, get my 12 hrs. sleep, and TRY and be human tomorrow.



happy administrative assistants day.

worked all day yesterday, had a meeting for colaborative seminar right after work. ate dinner, petted the cat then went back to the sears tower to work till 11. good times- rave unto the joy fantastic and faith and courage, among others. still. home by 11.30, and up again at 6 to go back in. then running around all day today. it was a good holiday. we were very prepared. lots of premakes, all our orders out. but there just weren't as many customers this year. we were left with 7 balloons. and we never stopped taking deliveries. that's something to be proud of, sure, that we were taking care of our customers needs all day, especially considering ch's first year in the sears tower for secretary's day we had to shut the gate in the middle of the day for a few hours because we were out of flowers. we ordered well, planned well, but with 1/2 the businesses on LL1 closed and the smoking lounge gone, no one walks by anymore. we were about 5% lower than last year. which really isn't bad, but sorta a bummer.

plus, i'm so exhausted, i'm prone to depression. and i'm sooooo sick of indian food. dinner sunday, lunch monday, dinner monday, lunch tuesday, dinner tuesday, dinner wednesday....i made WAY too much. it will never end. i could eat rice and dal and chutney all week. maybe. but the saag paneer has too much garlic (yes it is possible) and i don't like eggplant that much to begin with....

so if anyone wants some indian food, come on over. my house is untidy, but i've got more than enough food.


it's not creepy, it's a puppet

i called christopher today to rejoice in his totally fabulous photo on the front of the maifest brochure. it's him sitting at a bus stop with someone with an ENORMOUS mask and a pod person. it's really awesome. will try and find a digital copy for you.
here's the pod and the mask, but no christopher. it's better with him.

anyway, surreal to work this morning and go to classes this afternoon. have never drug the portfolio to work before. got to fiction writing late, and most of class was spent at writers at lunch. i've felt bad that i've done nothing about dorothy allison being a writer in residence this semester, so i was so glad i got the chance to hear her read! she looks like her picture on the back of the book, but her voice was so much softer than i imagined. that's always wierd to me. like meeting people you've only talked to on the phone.

anyway. 400 tulips at the flowershop. 10 violets in assorted pot covers. 8 gift baskets. one million other things. come! buy! make it a better holiday than valentines day! we're gearing up. admin ass week, here we come!

there wasn't figure drawing class today, i just had to do my painting of last week's sculpture. it was wierd, it being so sunny in the classroom, and being all by myself. i felt like such an art school student- the sun, the wooden drawing horse, my brushes and pallette and ink and scupture.

but the important thing is i could listen to pearl, and i could leave when i was done. still sunny! on a monday! who would have ever imagined it!

but i'm so tired and hungry i've not been able to do anything with it. i'm sick of indian food. that really sucks, cause that's what i'll be eating all week, the feast i made last night:

clockwise from upper left: dal, saag paneer, tamarind raisin chutney, eggplant curry, vegetable palou, smothered potatoes.
it was yummy last night, good today, but now i have a whole refrigerator full of it and all i want is a baked potato with cheese and pepper.

also, i need to do laundry. now.


missing renderings

i'm looking all over for my renderings from patternmaking. where could they be? have been portfolioing today. while looking i found journal entries from fiction 1.

my goddess! i got so much done then! all those classes, and designing a show, and being in love, and doing the flowershop thing, and dealing with the onslaught of thanksgiving and christmas and now i'm just a lazy bum.

i have nothing to work towards, i'm scared of my future, and miss l. my house is a mess, i'm hungry, but first i need to wash the dishes so i can cook a week's work of indian food. i've done nothing all day. what a bum.

also, cory and tom need $500k-800k to make their movie. if anyone wants to produce it- or donate- let me know. i want it to happen. really badly.


from unapproachable to less so

it's so frustrating, i should have blogged again last night, then earlier today, cause i wanna tell you about what just happened, but there's so much other life to catch you up on... but i'll start at the begining, cause chronological's important.

so last night, after i wrote my blog entry,i got my THREE comments, i imed with l and j and z, and then l called and we had this delightful conversation- i felt so very human, after my less-than-human run ins with a and ch and my director for my final cs project and hannah in 3w and oh, the conductor and the woman in my train car and the customers and just about everyone else i met yesterday. i have this great agnes cartoon about how she's going to give up her pesky perfectionism for the new year, and trout says, but agnes, you aren't a perfectionist, and she says, well, actually i am, i'm just not very good at it. that's how i am as a lonely person. i get depressed and it makes me so so lonely, and i decide i'm going to hide from the world and see if anyone notices that i've stopped answering my cell phone and email and it will be months before they even realize i've dissapeared and i should shave my head right now alone.... and anyway, it never works for more than 24 hrs or so because some friend has to go and ruin it by calling me or worrying about me or making me fucking LAUGH or something.

so anyway, having l love me totally cheered me up last night, and it stuck and that made me so so happy today. which i needed, thanks to the mercer high school choir. thank goddess that was today not yesterday or i'd be in really big trouble.

my cousin jenna sang in it, j's little sister. so i took my lunch hour and went upstairs to hear them sing it's no buisness like show business and america the beautiful and a madrigal and a wicked song and more in the sears tower lobby.

i even took pictures, like a doting cousin. and jenna made me feel so uncomfortable- like i was her mother or something, maybe worse, something totally embarrassing you have to be polite to, but really you want to turn around and run from. it is not a feeling i get very often in chicago. sure i'm uncomfortable or embarrassed here sometimes, but certainly not in that specific way. i wanted to meet her friends, give her a rose, photograph her piercing (which is the one i think a should get if she gets one, btw) or at least be thought of as cool or interesting even cute would have been ok.

ugh. anyway. not important. she lives very far away and i see her very rarely and there are other people who i'd much rather have like me. still, it made for a long day. ch and i were going wacko in the basement. we wanted to get out of there SOOO badly. we ended up actually closing early, we couldn't stand it anymore. when ch went out, i said, 'please come back"- when i he did, i said, "thanks for coming back, i missed you!" and he said, "well, i'll change THAT!" it was a really sucky day- our this year compared to last year dropped 20% today. i had REM wailing belong on, and ch had to change it, he said he was going to crush michael stipe in a garlic press if he didn't stop. ch had a dunkichino and was chasing me around the store with a hatchet. ok, just a helium filled dragonfly balloon. but it's shaped kinda like a large hatchet.

when i got home i drug my cookbooks into the living room so i could play with the cat with one hand and compose my shopping list with my other. i really wanted indian food for dinner, so i decided to go down devon, but needed to make a grocery list first so i could hit up the swad store. i've got about 6 recipies to make this week- all indian. there's 2 curries, a dal, a pulao, a chutney, a raita... i think i'm going to cook it all on sunday then eat various combos throughout the week. because ugh, it's admin ass week and i'm not gonna have time or energy to cook, no not once. so i went to devon market to buy my produce then waited FOREVER for the devon bus. i caught the 151 which took me all of one block.... it was like, a 30 min wait. i could have walked the 1.5 miles in that time, except my produce was quite heavy. anyway, first stop was patel brother's vegetarian fast food place for dinner to go, where my wait was also an eternity. then to an indian grocery for coconut milk, pistachios, tamarind, paneer. i was home an HOUR AND A HALF after i walked to the bus stop- much, much too long. however, when i lived on the south side, that's how long it took me just to GET to devon and western, so i should be greatful for that.

so i came home and ate my indian food (mitzi likes the raita) and then went out... again. on devon....again. jen porter was playing at the jackhammer, which at devon and clark is the closest gay bar to my house. i was weighting it- columbia college's production of ragtime- jen porter at the neighborhood gay bar.... guess which one won? ch didn't come, he didn't wanna pay a cover. i was rather proud of myself, my first total solo bar experience, i think. i've met friends at bars before, but never came alone and left by myself. there was a drag queen handing out shots- i tried to turn her down, but they were complimentary- she said, the jackhammer is the only gay bar in the city with a real live barbie doll. so she gave me my barbie shot and asked if i knew what was in it. when i said know, she said, "love." and then she said, and a little cranberry and vodka.... jen was there to celebrate a year of their live music program. it was fun to hear her like a concert- all orignals, short set, cover, etc. i haven't heard her most fabulous band in awhile, and they were good. there was a raffle after her set and i won a pair of toy handcuffs. and i of course had no purse.

so if you saw me walking down devon at 11 tonight, wearing my jean jacket and carrying my handcuffs, now you know the story.


breaking news!

narknon: oh did you see about the kidnaping?
narknon: did mom tell you?
Rainheads: no, tell me about the kidnapping
narknon: the bushes got kidnapped to NC
Rainheads: NO!!!!
Rainheads: THATS FABULOUS!!!!!
Rainheads: DO THEY MISS THEM?!??!
narknon: I don't know
narknon: haven't heart anything mentioned
Rainheads: oh, i love it!
Rainheads: jamie commented on how the bushies cracked up her and pi
narknon: yeah I just read that
narknon: that is what reminded me
Rainheads: oh, i'm so glad to know!
narknon: mom got all upset
Rainheads: what does she care?
narknon: I think they might have to take a little tour of the country
narknon: and then they can get returned
Rainheads: oh, perfect!
narknon: but I don't know I need to think of a plan
Rainheads: yes, something gnomeish
narknon: hahhahaha
narknon: anyway.. I need to go to bed too
narknon: post pictures of my very cute car
Rainheads: do you have some?
narknon: and my soon to be bumper sticker "biodiesel.. this car is a vegetarian"

from bad to worse

i need to get a grip. am falling apart at the seams. just yelled at my cat, stomped, and chased her under the bed. all she does is cry! i can't stand ther persistent meow meow meeeooow every moment i am in the house! my arms hurt from hours of string dangling! there is only so much one-handed multitasking i can do! i need a less playful cat. one who can deal with less attention from me. i want a cat like this:

there are NOT enough sunbeams in our life. my studio is too small for the two of us.

i know i posted briefly about my evening in hyde park, but did i tell you they're still rehabbing my old building? and the construction site is now a shiny building. double creepy.

hyde park feels like home to me, in response to a's comment, since it's so familar and part of my history and somewhere where i have no place now. ch taught me that home isn't a place, it's your friends and how they support you. i've got a bunch of stuff i really like to come home to, so maybe in a more material way, home is where my sewing machine is.

so yesterday was my first evening home in ages. no wonder the cat misses me. i cooked dinner, something simple out of my german cookbook. it's good, one of those simple recipies that makes you feel, why did i need a recipie for this, i should have been able to come up with it on my own. but i was very pleased that it ended up looking just like the photo, in my opinion. and of course, i took cell phone photos, so i can have your opinion, too:
cookbook photo

my stew

i hope i can get something done tonight. ch invited me over and i said no. what would mitzi have said if i was out again this evening? i really wanted to someday after i graduate i'll lug my computer and it's fancy boombox software over to ch's high speed connection, and record all those fabulous songs off myspace and watch videos and oh, it will just be grand. but tonight i'm going to write fiction and pysanki. i need to dismantle my little easter egg studio now that easter's over, so i can start bugging my landlord about opening my balcony door.

don't i look so crafty and creative, though?

talking about being crafty and creative (and about the end of the semester aproaching) my big project for costume construction 2 was due wednesday. there are only 3 weeks of school left- now all i need to do is my outerwear or accessory. a cape's too simple, gloves are too time consuming, and i don't really want to make a hat. ideas, anyone? what could i make from 1869 that would compliment this dress?

ok, i need to go hide. craft, write, etc. sigh. it seems like every conversation i've had today is agonizingly awkward. a. hannah in 3w. my director for my final project in colaborative seminar. ugh. i just need to get through it. this too shall pass.

anyway, thank you for commenting, it makes me feel loved. i'm glad you like my pictures.


talk about a fuzzy duck...

horray! i'm finally home long enough to post! it's been the longest week ever. i hope more than a and jamie missed me. but now, you'll be glad to know that it was worth the wait, because now my trip stories come with pictures!

so, up waaaaay too late packing thursday night, my megabus experience pretty uneventful. we left about 35 min. late from chicago- but got into cleveland about 15 min. early. i folded cranes for nan and watched goodbye lennin on the travel dvd player dad gave me for xmas. very posh. mom's been bugging me about goodbye lennin forever, and i could see why she liked it so much. i of course, will watch absolutely anything in german with subtitles. aunt janet and aunt deann picked me up in cleveland then we continued on to wooster to pick up justine. i had aunt janet take a fast pic in her dorm before we ran out.

way too much driving for me! but finally back on the farm we had dinner and took a walk. here's aj ad grandma by the barn.

grandma has these little blue flowers in her garden- does anyone know what they are?

what was so wierd to me was how familiar everything was. like it or not, the farm is very much a part of me. so many easters, so many thanksgivings, weeks and weeks and weeks of summertime were spent there. it used to be where i went to try and escape my real life. granted, the things that i hated about real life were even worse there, but still, sometimes change is more important than improvement. also, as there's so little left of my childhood in eastern pa, it's nice to have someplace with pure memories still attached.
mom and marty were driving there and picking up z from the airport, and her flight was really delayed, so they didn't get in until late, but i waited up for them, since z and i were sharing the camper parked in the driveway. it's always fun to share a room with z, it makes me feel sisterly. you know, we can whisper and stuff. but boy was it cold out there, gma did not leave us enough blankets! here's my fave pic of z from the trip. i was making her uncomfortable with my camera, which i felt bad about because i know how awkward i feel on that side of the camera, but i wanted to really capture her and i think i managed to in this shot.

don't you think she looks like la movie star? if you know which one, leave it in the comments!

saturday was busy. z and i both woke up early, embarrassed to sleep in or be the last one up. she got up, i didn't, but it was ok, cause j&j were much later than us. aj had hard boiled about 3 dozen eggs, so we dyed those, it was much fun.

the prettiest we kept for decoration, and the rest we broke for deviled eggs the next day.

then mom pulled out all the old band tshirts she'd been saving for me. rock on! i immediately started cutting, and g'ma brought up her sewing machine for me. mom got it working, and i whipped up this out of the torn over the rhine shirt:

then z got out all the tshirts she'd brought and i made a rocking little skirt out of a RIT volunteer t of hers. it's really f-ing cute, and it's one of my biggest photo regrets. my other is the filing cabnet, with the photograph of george and laura bush, saying thank you for your generous donation to the republican fund. my goddess. we wanted to graffiti it so bad. mom thought maybe we could tape hats on them. z wanted to give them little signs, like "where are you, osama?" i thought if we covered it with saran wrap we could draw mustaches and glasses on that. but we ended up not defiling it at all, just talking about it.

anyway, saturday night we all dressed up and took g'pa out for dinner. and took lots of group shots.

it was this italian joint, they'd never been there before but knew the head chef. so that was cool. the food was good, for west pa, and they put happy birthday to g'pa on the marquee. we waited for it to go the whole way around so aunt janet could photograph it.

here we are in the restaurant:

and justine is famous for eating olives off her fingertips at thanksgiving, so the whole table full of olives got passed to her (from me, and mom, and z, and aj... it was pretty funny.

afterwards we went to aunt deann and uncle dave's place, and had cake and ice cream and played cards- 2 tables of 500. marty's not a card person, which i get, but it's amazing to me that justine and jenna aren't at all. i mean, that's what my family does for fun. if you don't play cards, can you even HAVE fun with them? i guess i was raised with the party-in-a-box on the other side of the family as the ultimate goal in family relations. i've been taught you don't see family often enough so be nice- i see that as being entirely present while i'm there. i've made this committment to go to the farm for 48hrs, and that's to see the family, so that's what i'll do while i'm there, whatever that is, you know- dying eggs, playing cards, taking walks, whatever. just 'cause i'm introverted doesn't mean i hate and avoid social situations. but in general, the trip was good, i was in a very healthy, open mental place for it. i let everyone, including myself, be who they are, and there was alot of space for that. i mean, yeah, i'm totally wierd, but really everyone doesn't fit in somehow, and i'm very solid and unashamed about who i am, so that gives me confidence to be who i am and patience with others being themselves.

of course, having little judgement directed at me helped. cause, for this trip, i felt my most distinguishing feature was being the skinny one. my grandma had a skinny perfect older sister, and i think that's always made her feel bad and angry about her weight. i think i've always been difficult for her, because i remind her of aunt mary. it just upsets me so, the way everyone's weight is so featured in conversation. it makes me sick, yet i feel that it's not something i'm allowed to have an opinion on, because it's not my issue- like men who think they can have strong opinions about abortion. but i sometimes felt as if i wasn't a woman when among them, because how you're currently watching your weight isn't a discussion i can participate in, and it's a common struggle among all women. don't get me wrong- i can't imagine what hard work dieting is- watching what i eat would be just impossible for me, so i have such respect for people who can. but i don't think it should be required, and expected acchivement. college graduation, sure, that's ok to expect from my family. but, i mean, look at these photos! look at how beautiful they all are! they're all curvy and lovely and well dressed.

i think grandma needs to shove it. mom told me she's too uncomfortable about her weight right now to buy new clothes, but marty doesn't care and buys her these great ones, and that's why she's looking so sassy. it's probably my favorite thing about marty, and you know how few and far between those are. ANYWAY.

sunday, easter, church, etc. big potluck up at the archery shop for g'pas birthday, then back to cleveland for me. mom drove j and i back this time, and z came along.

it was this fabulous freeing time, we listened and sang to ani d, and it was so nice to just rap with the ones who are liberal and not so xian and know i'm a lesbian. we all cracked jokes, mom is still laughing about j going, "man, my parents pay for everything with cash. my formal dress? mom opens out her wallet and starts peeling out the hundreds. it's so sketch. my parents are drug dealers. it's true!" the thought of the presbyterian farmer drug dealing family cracks us up.

the megabus was TWO HOURS LATE getting in to chicago. i swear, she must have driven 55 the whole way. thunderstorms across ohio. agony in my heart. i don't know what happened. ch said busses can do that to you. but i was so depressed, loney, back in my recent funk. it's a combination of fear of the future- coming ever closer- and my perpetual loneliness. i know that things are happening in my friends' lives too. i feel like i'm having such a hard time relating these days though. i can't communicate clearly with anyone, i'm in my chestnut mood, covered with green spikes, sweet inside but oh so prickly and un-cuddle-able. need to take flower remidies and ward this off.

ugh, i've been typing forever and still have to tell you about my day in hyde park!
here are the hits:
-i miss the co-op so badly. bought all my fave instameals, and bulk spices.
-i love that neighborhood. 53rd st, you are beautiful!
-my dentist rocks. i love all her hygenists. i love how it's not some assistant who calls, it's linda. it's worth the trip down south every 6 months.
-especially if it means i can hang with the purifoys. they're so sweet and kind and yet interesting. they're expecting another baby!
-g doesn't live there anymore. neither do i. i can't seem to accept either of these facts. wierd. very wierd.
-it's probably a bad thing to do in a funk. as i'm looking ahead to what i'll be doing next, i started to wonder about my decisions, not quite regret them, but to consider my life if i would have stayed in hyde park, how such tiny things turned my life into what it is now instead of christie's, and who would i be if i was still a christian, still straight, still a southsider? if i had been an english major instead of costume design?

anyway, enough for tonight! congratulations for making to the bottom! i will forgive you if you just looked at the pictures.


music and flowers

i did end up going to hear girlyman last night. and was surprised to have a fantabulous time. they were great- really awesome musicians. i usually don't like hearing music live i don't know, but they were so good it didn't matter. and charming. i recognized the song l played over and over again in the car for elliot and i after she saw them. but ah, the list of albums i need to buy keeps growing and growing.

yesterday when i was typing about forsynthia i wanted to also say something about this magnolia bush in the yard right by the alley behind the funeral home parking lot. it's small, just one big branching stick about 4 feet high. but the top branches sorta flatten out, and perched on top pointing straight up are about 7 magnolia buds, looking like the little pellets of drugs from maria full of grace. not a single green thing on it. anyway, i walked by yesterday, and the bad little boy instinct in me wanted to snap them off so bad. it would be so satisfiying- the soft petals so tightly wound, the crisp sound it would make, the vastness of the distruction. but of course i didn't, the same way i never pull fire alarms. to destroy such essential spring- it would be devistating, like that mysterious SCUMBAG at su casa who opened ALL the doors on the advent calandar. you DON"T DO THAT.

but when i walked by today, i was so glad that no one else had given into the urge, either. and with this crazy warm weather, they've started to crack, and fling out an asymetrical petal. they are no longer purfect bullets, they're starting to look like ugly imature flowers, and so i think they're safe, for now.


TRYING to be more insightful

the daffodils are all out, the tulips are starting, and just the tips of the forsinthia are yellow. the dirt against the walls of my bulding is quite ugly and unrecovered from winter, and there's all kinds of crap blown around in the grass, but there's this one bush in the front that is unashamedly glowing green, and it makes me quite happy.

was fed today. colaborative seminar went to the new diner on wabash. the place was really cool- only place i know you can get a bagel with lox downtown. and really, it was okay. but then after cromer left my classmates were talking about my advisor, saying how much they liked her and thought she was the best of the design faculty. and i'm like, wow, that's really interesting. which was STUPID, cause of course then they were like, oooh, tell us what she's really like from a costumer's point of view. and i should have said, naw, i don't wanna talk about it. i don't really trust them, and now i feel creepy about it. but i told them how awful she is and how i hate her. ugh. bad bad karma coming my way. anyway, then in the costume shop we had a pizza party for ragtime loading out. so i got lots of food. it's sad though, no more sewing now. just cleaning. we put lots of stuff away. then i started organizing ties. folding hundreds of them, un knotting them, pressing them, lining them up in little straight piles by color- really, a great job. but i'm rather tired now, and oh my feet hurt.

i can't decide if i should go to hear girlyman at schubas or not tonight. i've just discovered every moment of my time for the next week is filled completely up. tomorrow i work, then i have my conference for fiction writing, then a few hours to pack. early friday morning i take the bus cleveland, and don't come back till sunday night. monday is class ALL DAY as usual, tuesday is work then a dentist appointment, and after that i'm going to visit the purifoys. and hopefully go to the co-op cause htey seem to be the only place left in the city to sell bulk spices. they better have dill. i hate those marco polo prices at the grocery store, as my mom says. anyway, class and work monday. home by 6.30. pet the cat, if she's still alive.

am really worried about her this weekend. i hope she doesn't attack ch upon him walking in the door.

anyway, what other inspired things do i have to say? am reading joe jones by anne lamott, and she's really fabulous. since i've been taking fiction writing 2, i've been really noticing, and impressed by, good writers. i mean, i read all sorts of books that i love, but i really notice when a book is well constructed or characters are well written. anne lammott's characters are amazing. before i read hard laughter, my opinion of her fiction was good characters, but that's not enough to follow them so aimlessly through life. i was eh about rosie, didn't even finish crooked little heart, then read all new people, and was like, hey, there's somethign here. i dont' really like it, but it's good. and then hard laughter was like I LOVE HER. and joe jones, i was expecting to read it because it would be good for me, and i have fallen in love with these people. particularly their conversations. they have such FABULOUS diologue, realistic sounding, clear distinct voices. and they have a comfortable familiarilty with each other, and annie explains all their in jokes to the reader, so you feel like you're in on it too.

oh, and i wanna riff a little about people turning 80. so i'm going to the farm this weekend for my grandfather's 80th b-day party. and a's also going to pa for her grandmother's 80th birthday party. (we won't be seeing each other, though- it's a BIG state.) l's grandma just moved to mi, and she's turning 80 too. and then there was a feature in the newspaper monday about queen elizabeth and hugh hefner both turning 80 as well. what was the deal with 1926? i wonder if there's some kind of statistic, babies born in april live longer or something...

hey, that wasn't so bad. i think i remember how to do this blogging thing.



i haven't had comments since the 8th, but i don't deserve them. i've been just a terrible blogger. i don't know who would want to read here. i need to start writing down those fits of inspiration so i have something interesting to say rather than a list of what i did today and bitching about my cat. and i did have something really wise- or at least interesting- and i thought, man, how come i keep forgetting to blog about that? but do i remember? no. when confronted with this black box, i am useless. so i just talk about my friends. as ch says, some people like it, some people don't, but regardless if you say something even slightly negative people will be upset. moral: i need to ruminate more. those are more interestng anyway.

but not now- east west stew took hours to make. i want a medal. i made dinner and it took a long time. also did most of the dishes. but now- uninspired. i need to start planning my trip. i only have 2 more evenings left, and i'll probably have my fiction writing conference in one of them. the other one i'm trying to decide to go to hear girlyman at schuba's or not. but really, i can stay up late at the last minute if i have to... who needs sleep, esp. if she's gonna take a 6 hr bus trip the next day?


being all artsy and shit

figure drawing got out early so i can post tonight! isn't that exciting? it was a beautiful day in chicago today- i walked around in just my sweater with my coat tied around my waist. did i mention i hung up some of my drawings from figure drawing class? a asked me to post photos, so here they are:

i don't know why that one's small, but the rest of my photos are big:

fiction writing was all reading today. of course, which of mine did my professor pick but the one with the sex scene. but i got lots of laughs, so that's good. then after that i went to visit christopher in his little spectacle fortuna den! poor thing, he's growing a bit crazy, spending every day alone creating a parade in his magical wonderland. he was so excited to show off to me. we dressed up, played with birds and balloons, in general had a great time.
here's me in my larvae pod:

here's christopher in a pod with his 12 foot balloon:

and here's a close up of him and his magical bubble:

here he is being very liturgical with a tree backpack on (notice the cherry blossoms...)

and here's me in a kimono, playing with a bird:

you can see in the backround the balloon, slowly, slowly deflating, he won't blow it up again until the event. so yeah, my graduation is not worth coming to, but the spectacle should be pretty awesome. i mean, christopher's designing it! and there's things we didn't try on, like the spidery stilt creatures, and things i didn't take pictures of, like his favourite bird puppet...

we had a fun time. we played, skipped, classical music was playing loudly, sun shone in around the paper in the windows. it was good.


weekend recap

didn't get all my errands done. i did buy cat food, groceries and a gift to mail to ruth (spring frosting, what could bring her more joy?) i took my bike to the shop, my books to the library, and my coat to the dry cleaners, but when they said it would be $45 to put a new zipper in i brought it home again. got to the post office at 3:05 and wouldn't you know, they close at 3, not 5 on saturdays.

i made amazingly delicious cauliflower millet cassarole. i hung some drawings on the wall, paid my bills, started working on my portfolio and wrote a good bit of fiction. i showered, cleaned the catbox, bleached the toilet, recycled the newspapers, and took out the trash.

i feel like i've wasted my entire weekend online, and not a blog entry to show for it. that's why i make these lists. to make myself feel better.


lots o' ch

so we worked together all day yesterday- a crazy busy day, so much on my list didn't get done. distracted by fecking customers- how dare they come in and interupt my paperwork with their pesky orders? the old owner of rosexpressions was due to vist today, so we wanted to get the place cleaned up yesterday- but it just didn't happen. l called- definately the highlight of the day. she was back in the us, at jfk. haven't heard from her since- i can't imagine the jetlag and sunburn she must have. anyway. ch had rented happy endings, and invited me over to watch it. i was wavering, but then he said he'd make more pad thai and that pushed me over the edge. so another fun night there- it needs a name- after the lodge and the vatican, what's the name of ch and johnny b's place? there should be a contest. something else for ch's website. was telling him today he needs a website to organize all his blogs, the ones he actually has the ones he wants to invent. like the game we play, really rediculous things people buy in the grocery store. we needed a name for that, too, but we came up with one on the way home- grocery basket bingo. he saw a chick with a bottle of wine and 3 packs of ramen last night. though, i more often feel like a subject: yogurt, ice cream, bagels, extra large back of hershey's minatures. i want a little sign for the spies- "honest, i buy my vegetables on devon!"

anyway, that is such a tangent. so fun last night. work today. a much slower day, i attacked the coolers. vaccuumed them out, wiped them down, and windexed the glass- as always, the job that always goes to me since i'm small enough to climb in and do the inside of the glass. and ch shuts the doors to lock me in and tapes little signs outside:

really, sometimes working at a flower shop IS as much fun as you imagine.

then other times it's not. we didn't get to tomorrow's wedding work until like three. oh, and i didn't tell you about yesterday's adventure- we got a web order for this:

i would have refused it because it is rediculous, but there was no answer to the phone number. so, ch says, we can make it.. and we did, with alot of cardboard, hot glue, and lomey dishes. i wish i had a pic of our version. it was pretty close.
anyway, tomorrow's wedding is all calla lillies, ch made the bride's boquet and the 2 bridesmaids' boquets, and i made the 10 boutonierres and 2 corsages. ugh. all that wire and tape. we didn't get done until almost 7. then we needed a drink. it's so sad- the mexican restaruant upstairs is under new management, and doesn't have their liquor license yet. so we walked to gentry and drank there. i love that ch and i can work together all day yesterday, hang out all last night, work all day today together, and still have stuff to chat about on the walk to the bar.

then i got home, all distracted and disoriented. didn't sleep well last night- after i got home from ch hannah in 3w was so loud- then i hear everyone yell, surprise! and more guests came throughout the night. i don't know if it was her birthday, or if she was hosting someone else's party, all i know is, no one took their shoes off, and she doesn't have very many rugs. i left her tulips, with a postcard, i hope she comes home tonight to get them. signed online, wasted time, fucking myspace, etc. ch has more friends than me. real friends, not bands. ate bean mush in tortillas, it was good, finished last sunday's newspaper, got bit by the cat-she so wants to fight tonight. finished my novel. have been so cold. really should take a bath, but it's taken me forever to type all this, pictures, etc. so i'm going to just go to bed, i think. so many errands to run tomorrow morning.


at least you're all apocolypse-half-full about it

so i didn't tell you about the dream! i got distracted by everyday life. so here it is, straight from the dream journal:
"i drempt it was the end of the world. i was at the farm, and suddenly things started getting messed up. big things. like the post office. no one knew what was going on. there was a computer in the new room, i browsed myspace, but eventually the news came through the radio instead- the world was ending. no one really believed it. but we got ready anyway. i packed up all my stuff, re-organized so all the fun stuff was in the flowered suitcase, cause no one knew what would happen or when, just tomorrow night. we decided to go to the woods, so i took all sorts of stuff to entertain myself. i thought we'd all have fun going out in false eyelashes, silly makeup, etc. strangers called grandma and grandpa to talk about mistakes from like 50 years ago. i was having the hardest time getting ready- i couldnt' find my bag, my cell phone, etc. then on the way to the woods, i get kind of lucid, and i'm like, wait a second- why am i doing this? it's gonna get dark and i don't wanna spend my last night on earth with a root up my back! so i told them i was going to the city. they wanted to drive me, but i said today drivers licenses don't matter. so they went to the woods on some 4 wheelers and i took a pickup and an atlas and drove to pittsburg. it was scary and dangerous- people making poor decisions re: end of world- deciding they'd rather kill themelsves by driving off the highway than wait and see how it was gonna happen. i keep singing the r.e.m. song, cause i feel fine. i call laura, sing amy correia on her voice mail- "and i feel today is better spent with you." i imagined being in her arms one last time, but she's still in oman. so i called leah, and she said she'd come to the airport and pick me up. i called ch and we said goodbye, i was hoping he'd have a good party without me. on the airplane we felt like we were on a race against time. we were almost there when there was a whooshing shake and the sun got small like a star. we could see these beautiful ice vapors swirling across the land, gorgeous and destroying. we couldn't stay in the air forever. we went down to land where the airport used to be, and the plane quickly froze before hitting the ground. i woke up as i died."

now do you see why i'm so compelled to go to the farm? nothing good ever happens there in my subconsious, it seems.

when i told ch about the eyelashes bit, he laughed an said today's title. he also thought that it was hilarious that i knew the world was ending because of the POST OFFICE. btw, l's package still hasn't been delivered. i really need to call the hamtramck post office. it's been 2 weeks today. however, she sent me an email saying my letter i sent to oman got there! so that's supercool.

ragtime loads out of the costume shop tomorrow, so we were working hard to get everything done. i was working so slowly- some days i can just whip stuff out, other days it seems i have to pick out every seam i sew. took in new cds, so that was a fun change of pace.

so, now for pictures! i've been saving them up for you! first, on sunday i discovered something magical- devon market carries hanuta!

but even better, they have another brand that's cheaper. so i'll have to try them and see if they're 1/2 as good:

goddess i love ethnic chocolate. i'm gonna load up on 50 different polish styles for my grandfather's birthday. he's easy to buy for. m&ms are always a good gift.
also, i have another altered t-shirt photo, the earthkeepers shirt a gave me. the front was boring, so i turned the back into a halter top:

i don' think you can read it, but it says, "god's original plan was to hang out in a garden with a bunch of naked vegetarians."

cat's been waking me up 6am with the sun. fucking daylight savings. i'm so tired, i can't type anymore.
however, one last photo. the first tulip of spring.
it's coming. it's gonna happen. thank the goddess.


school, work, bathing suit shopping with z

school was long and hard yesterday. i had my golden boy presentation (goddess bless the 21yearold! he did so much research for me!) which i think i held my own in, compared to the other designers. costume construction, same old same old. yards and yards of trim. figure drawing i was pretty uninspired, my drawing is really contrasty, no middle tones. but i was starting to get the vibe again by the end of the day, so hopefully next week will be better.

ch and i ended up having a heart to heart. he'd read my blog after saturday night, and got much more than he bargained for. sigh. i'm always getting in trouble for blogging about those i love. and i always deserve it. but no, it was a really good conversation with ch. i need to continue to learn from him how to be straightforward instead of passive agressive, but to be so kind without being wimpy or shamed. basically he wanted me to make sure i knew he loved me and boys would come and go. isn't that sweet? i was really touched, and apolgized and told him how i exagurate here sometimes, and i knew it was just the place we're in now, and it will change soon. so that was good.

so exhausted all day today at work. honestly, i don't know if i'm going to make it though this semester of tuesdays. mondays are just such a long day. came home and just laid in bed and read the mail. got a lands end catalog with all these fabulous bathing suits for a million bucks. i still want swim dress so badly- or like a bikini top and miniskirt bottom. i am always so uncomfortable in a bathing suit. but i need to remember EVERYONE is uncomfortable in a bathing suit.

so i was typing to z about it, since she's gonna be the next person to see me in a bathing suit, and she said she could find me some just as cute and cheaper. so me and z went bathing suit shopping together for our cruise! isn't that fun and cute and sisterly? i think we're gonna get matching ones- here's the version to flatter z:

and here's the version to flatter me:

but unfortuntely we both need to pay bills before that happens. also, i made chili that needs to be packaged up for lunch this week. isn't that industrious of me? have wasted too much time online, between iming with z and mom and the 21yearold and rachel. i feel like a high schooler, all these windows open.



where did my hour go! how dare they take it away! i finished reading the novel for fiction writing class, showered, turned more tshirts into new things, hung my figure drawings on the wall, and did my makeup board. now it's bedtime and i have to write my story for fiction writing and eat dinner still! i don't know what happened, but you're going to have to wait a bit longer for my end of the world dream!

just a quickie

goddess, it feels like it's been so long since i've had anything to say. then i was moving to slowly to do anything about it today, but now i'm awake and i guess i'll give you the higlights. thursday i had a another nightmare, again on the farm- this time the world was ending. i'll type it up in a separate entry. was feeling sorry for myself friday as ch was making plans with hugo, but then he invited me along to meet him. so i ended up not coming home. after work ch and i went to his thai grocery and then went to his house. we made this amazing pad thai for $3.61. it was really incredible. we drank wine, listened to music online, i surfed and petted his cat while he primped and waited for hugo to call.

we went to simons to meet him. we picked 15 songs on the jukebox, so that was a good way to bond. still, i was feeling fridayish. separate from the rest of humanity, disconected, unloved. am sure the wine didn't help. i'm not sure what made me all defensive, but i was being pretty bitchy- not whining, just making ch uncomfortable, talking about other boys, flower shop gossip, trying to show there was a relationship between us, like i was trying to make hugo jelous. not that you would be able to pick this up from the screenplay- it was all very subtle and subconsious. still, i was hating myself for caring so much about feeling excluded and reacting in such a tacky way. the big mistake, as it always is, was the 2nd location.

one never, ever, EVER has fun at the second location.

sometimes the night can be redeemed by a third location, but the 2nd location is never ever any fun. sometimes it's worse. i thought we were going to go to madrigals, which is a male strip club which didn't excite me, but it is close to my house. but now, instead we went to big chicks. i was feeling my drinks on the walk over there- pretty drunk, i don't like wine and esp. don't like mixing it, but i was going to be fine as long as i didn't drink anymore. we were standing at simons and so i really wanted an alcove at big chicks. we scored one in the back, and i went to the bathroom. when i came back ch was getting drinks- i tried to find him to tell him not to buy me anymore, but i couldn't. so when he shows up with them i just start fishing the ice out of mine and eating it. ch had gotten quiet, his past catching up to him, and hugo was worried that it was alcohol, not memories. they ended up on the other side of the acove, having this serious, intent conversation. i curled up in the oposite corner with my vodka-flavored ice. wfkd was playing in stereo- what are you doing here? why are you all alone? nobody loves you, nobody even notices you!

i was angry, sure i'm not going to bump into any of my exboyfriends at big chicks, like ch and hugo might, but i've got history there too. i'm not so young. big chicks was the first gay bar g ever went to, when ch and rafael and i took her out for her birthday. i remember dancing with g and her roommates to madonna, when we were the only 4 girls in the bar. i remember the surreal night when l was visiting for the first time and g was leaving, and the last time i saw her we all went to big chicks, and i gave her the letter that said i was in love with her. and i remember being there on a quiet thursday night, telling ch i was too afraid to like l, but she was becoming much too crush-able, and ch never giving advice, but saying, that feeling, it doesn't last long, but it never gets better than that- when you first start liking someone- it's the best feeling in the world. that's when i jumped. and, that's the night i lost my favorite green sequined cardigan.

so you can imagine there was very little ice in my drink left when i'd finished thinking all these things, and they were still going on. ch and i had been talking earlier about bad blind dates, and i was saying that a blind date wasn't so bad, better than the alternative... i don't remember what the alternative was, probably something like eating sausage. and he's like, you'd probably be fine, cause you'd just walk out on a horrible date, it wouldn't go on for agonizing weeks....

so remembering this, i walked out on them. put on my sweatshirt, scarf, coat, bag, gave a little wave and walked out into the rain. i don't know how long it took them to realize i was gone. i felt awful, it was like a bad movie, single little drunk girl in cute coat stumbling through chinatown in the rain. i called a, left a pitiful message. called g. called leah. really, who else is left? with l being in oman and ch being the problem, i felt even more adrift, alone, unnoticable.

on the positive side, the pad thai was excellent, and i was home before one, and i drank lots of water and woke up feeling just fine physically this morning.

read homework, talked to a, of course went to evanston to buy fabric and art supplies, came home and cleaned the cat box, recycled the newspapers, took out the trash, made grocery list and went shopping. decided i'd completed enough on my list that i could go see v for vendetta, which i did. and it was fabulous. i love seeing movies by myself so much more than with others, and i think it's a great solo activity, better than plays or concerts or whatever. i'm not going to become one of those bloggers who is obsessed with celebrity and just talks about actresses and rock stars, but natalie portman is totally hot, especially bald- makes me excited about shaving my dreads. but it had that creepy close-enough-to-the-truth handmaid's tale ishness about it, and a good power to the people message, as well as a question the doctrine of evil-terrorist bit. i could follow what was going on from the very begining, which i really like in a movie- hate being tricked or made a fool of, and i don't like feeling like i should be keeping a flow chart so i know who's who. and although natalie portman's first scene had her being a wimp, that was the only time she stood aside and screamed while v killed people. and she did get a good macing in herself, which while not karate, i will count as an empowered gesture. i think the most hopeful thing about it for me was the idea that a messy revolution can work. perhaps it's just wishful thinking, pehaps ruling by fear is the only way the people can be controled, but i hope not. i wanna live in a world, believe in a movement, that has room for v's vendetta and natalie portman's belief in non-violence and the little girl who's more interested in dress up than politics. and of course, most importantly, i will always choose the side of art and music and history, instead of fear and secrecy. or i guess i could say it was a nice movie, but i really enjoyed the minute and a half about the dyke filmmakers.

so, now it IS one, and i'm going to bed. will tell you of the dream tomorrow, then we'll be all caught up and ready for me to live some more life.