goddess, it feels like it's been so long since i've had anything to say. then i was moving to slowly to do anything about it today, but now i'm awake and i guess i'll give you the higlights. thursday i had a another nightmare, again on the farm- this time the world was ending. i'll type it up in a separate entry. was feeling sorry for myself friday as ch was making plans with hugo, but then he invited me along to meet him. so i ended up not coming home. after work ch and i went to his thai grocery and then went to his house. we made this amazing pad thai for $3.61. it was really incredible. we drank wine, listened to music online, i surfed and petted his cat while he primped and waited for hugo to call.
we went to simons to meet him. we picked 15 songs on the jukebox, so that was a good way to bond. still, i was feeling fridayish. separate from the rest of humanity, disconected, unloved. am sure the wine didn't help. i'm not sure what made me all defensive, but i was being pretty bitchy- not whining, just making ch uncomfortable, talking about other boys, flower shop gossip, trying to show there was a relationship between us, like i was trying to make hugo jelous. not that you would be able to pick this up from the screenplay- it was all very subtle and subconsious. still, i was hating myself for caring so much about feeling excluded and reacting in such a tacky way. the big mistake, as it always is, was the 2nd location.
one never, ever, EVER has fun at the second location.
sometimes the night can be redeemed by a third location, but the 2nd location is never ever any fun. sometimes it's worse. i thought we were going to go to madrigals, which is a male strip club which didn't excite me, but it is close to my house. but now, instead we went to big chicks. i was feeling my drinks on the walk over there- pretty drunk, i don't like wine and esp. don't like mixing it, but i was going to be fine as long as i didn't drink anymore. we were standing at simons and so i really wanted an alcove at big chicks. we scored one in the back, and i went to the bathroom. when i came back ch was getting drinks- i tried to find him to tell him not to buy me anymore, but i couldn't. so when he shows up with them i just start fishing the ice out of mine and eating it. ch had gotten quiet, his past catching up to him, and hugo was worried that it was alcohol, not memories. they ended up on the other side of the acove, having this serious, intent conversation. i curled up in the oposite corner with my vodka-flavored ice. wfkd was playing in stereo- what are you doing here? why are you all alone? nobody loves you, nobody even notices you!
i was angry, sure i'm not going to bump into any of my exboyfriends at big chicks, like ch and hugo might, but i've got history there too. i'm not so young. big chicks was the first gay bar g ever went to, when ch and rafael and i took her out for her birthday. i remember dancing with g and her roommates to madonna, when we were the only 4 girls in the bar. i remember the surreal night when l was visiting for the first time and g was leaving, and the last time i saw her we all went to big chicks, and i gave her the letter that said i was in love with her. and i remember being there on a quiet thursday night, telling ch i was too afraid to like l, but she was becoming much too crush-able, and ch never giving advice, but saying, that feeling, it doesn't last long, but it never gets better than that- when you first start liking someone- it's the best feeling in the world. that's when i jumped. and, that's the night i lost my favorite green sequined cardigan.
so you can imagine there was very little ice in my drink left when i'd finished thinking all these things, and they were still going on. ch and i had been talking earlier about bad blind dates, and i was saying that a blind date wasn't so bad, better than the alternative... i don't remember what the alternative was, probably something like eating sausage. and he's like, you'd probably be fine, cause you'd just walk out on a horrible date, it wouldn't go on for agonizing weeks....
so remembering this, i walked out on them. put on my sweatshirt, scarf, coat, bag, gave a little wave and walked out into the rain. i don't know how long it took them to realize i was gone. i felt awful, it was like a bad movie, single little drunk girl in cute coat stumbling through chinatown in the rain. i called a, left a pitiful message. called g. called leah. really, who else is left? with l being in oman and ch being the problem, i felt even more adrift, alone, unnoticable.
on the positive side, the pad thai was excellent, and i was home before one, and i drank lots of water and woke up feeling just fine physically this morning.
read homework, talked to a, of course went to evanston to buy fabric and art supplies, came home and cleaned the cat box, recycled the newspapers, took out the trash, made grocery list and went shopping. decided i'd completed enough on my list that i could go see v for vendetta, which i did. and it was fabulous. i love seeing movies by myself so much more than with others, and i think it's a great solo activity, better than plays or concerts or whatever. i'm not going to become one of those bloggers who is obsessed with celebrity and just talks about actresses and rock stars, but natalie portman is totally hot, especially bald- makes me excited about shaving my dreads. but it had that creepy close-enough-to-the-truth handmaid's tale ishness about it, and a good power to the people message, as well as a question the doctrine of evil-terrorist bit. i could follow what was going on from the very begining, which i really like in a movie- hate being tricked or made a fool of, and i don't like feeling like i should be keeping a flow chart so i know who's who. and although natalie portman's first scene had her being a wimp, that was the only time she stood aside and screamed while v killed people. and she did get a good macing in herself, which while not karate, i will count as an empowered gesture. i think the most hopeful thing about it for me was the idea that a messy revolution can work. perhaps it's just wishful thinking, pehaps ruling by fear is the only way the people can be controled, but i hope not. i wanna live in a world, believe in a movement, that has room for v's vendetta and natalie portman's belief in non-violence and the little girl who's more interested in dress up than politics. and of course, most importantly, i will always choose the side of art and music and history, instead of fear and secrecy. or i guess i could say it was a nice movie, but i really enjoyed the minute and a half about the dyke filmmakers.
so, now it IS one, and i'm going to bed. will tell you of the dream tomorrow, then we'll be all caught up and ready for me to live some more life.
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