so last night, after i wrote my blog entry,i got my THREE comments, i imed with l and j and z, and then l called and we had this delightful conversation- i felt so very human, after my less-than-human run ins with a and ch and my director for my final cs project and hannah in 3w and oh, the conductor and the woman in my train car and the customers and just about everyone else i met yesterday. i have this great agnes cartoon about how she's going to give up her pesky perfectionism for the new year, and trout says, but agnes, you aren't a perfectionist, and she says, well, actually i am, i'm just not very good at it. that's how i am as a lonely person. i get depressed and it makes me so so lonely, and i decide i'm going to hide from the world and see if anyone notices that i've stopped answering my cell phone and email and it will be months before they even realize i've dissapeared and i should shave my head right now alone.... and anyway, it never works for more than 24 hrs or so because some friend has to go and ruin it by calling me or worrying about me or making me fucking LAUGH or something.
so anyway, having l love me totally cheered me up last night, and it stuck and that made me so so happy today. which i needed, thanks to the mercer high school choir. thank goddess that was today not yesterday or i'd be in really big trouble.
my cousin jenna sang in it, j's little sister. so i took my lunch hour and went upstairs to hear them sing it's no buisness like show business and america the beautiful and a madrigal and a wicked song and more in the sears tower lobby.
i even took pictures, like a doting cousin. and jenna made me feel so uncomfortable- like i was her mother or something, maybe worse, something totally embarrassing you have to be polite to, but really you want to turn around and run from. it is not a feeling i get very often in chicago. sure i'm uncomfortable or embarrassed here sometimes, but certainly not in that specific way. i wanted to meet her friends, give her a rose, photograph her piercing (which is the one i think a should get if she gets one, btw) or at least be thought of as cool or interesting even cute would have been ok.
ugh. anyway. not important. she lives very far away and i see her very rarely and there are other people who i'd much rather have like me. still, it made for a long day. ch and i were going wacko in the basement. we wanted to get out of there SOOO badly. we ended up actually closing early, we couldn't stand it anymore. when ch went out, i said, 'please come back"- when i he did, i said, "thanks for coming back, i missed you!" and he said, "well, i'll change THAT!" it was a really sucky day- our this year compared to last year dropped 20% today. i had REM wailing belong on, and ch had to change it, he said he was going to crush michael stipe in a garlic press if he didn't stop. ch had a dunkichino and was chasing me around the store with a hatchet. ok, just a helium filled dragonfly balloon. but it's shaped kinda like a large hatchet.
when i got home i drug my cookbooks into the living room so i could play with the cat with one hand and compose my shopping list with my other. i really wanted indian food for dinner, so i decided to go down devon, but needed to make a grocery list first so i could hit up the swad store. i've got about 6 recipies to make this week- all indian. there's 2 curries, a dal, a pulao, a chutney, a raita... i think i'm going to cook it all on sunday then eat various combos throughout the week. because ugh, it's admin ass week and i'm not gonna have time or energy to cook, no not once. so i went to devon market to buy my produce then waited FOREVER for the devon bus. i caught the 151 which took me all of one block.... it was like, a 30 min wait. i could have walked the 1.5 miles in that time, except my produce was quite heavy. anyway, first stop was patel brother's vegetarian fast food place for dinner to go, where my wait was also an eternity. then to an indian grocery for coconut milk, pistachios, tamarind, paneer. i was home an HOUR AND A HALF after i walked to the bus stop- much, much too long. however, when i lived on the south side, that's how long it took me just to GET to devon and western, so i should be greatful for that.
so i came home and ate my indian food (mitzi likes the raita) and then went out... again. on devon....again. jen porter was playing at the jackhammer, which at devon and clark is the closest gay bar to my house. i was weighting it- columbia college's production of ragtime- jen porter at the neighborhood gay bar.... guess which one won? ch didn't come, he didn't wanna pay a cover. i was rather proud of myself, my first total solo bar experience, i think. i've met friends at bars before, but never came alone and left by myself. there was a drag queen handing out shots- i tried to turn her down, but they were complimentary- she said, the jackhammer is the only gay bar in the city with a real live barbie doll. so she gave me my barbie shot and asked if i knew what was in it. when i said know, she said, "love." and then she said, and a little cranberry and vodka.... jen was there to celebrate a year of their live music program. it was fun to hear her like a concert- all orignals, short set, cover, etc. i haven't heard her most fabulous band in awhile, and they were good. there was a raffle after her set and i won a pair of toy handcuffs. and i of course had no purse.
so if you saw me walking down devon at 11 tonight, wearing my jean jacket and carrying my handcuffs, now you know the story.
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