was in bed for 17 hrs. didn't even have a novel, just the last nick bantock. wrote a letter. but that's it. spent alot of time sleeping, daydreaming, pettimg the cat. didn't feel particularly bad, but couldn't make myself get up.
at 5 ch called and said he expected me over in 2 hrs. so i managed to get up, shower, haul my ass over there, to plop in front of his computer, tv. we drank lots of wine, which i needed. the movie was awful. it was an almodovar, great sounding, but in the end all the funny characters and brightly colored wall treatments coudn't make up for it being B-O-R-I-N-G. midway through l called and upset me and i couldn't really focus on the rest of the movie, just wanted to go back to my bed and brood. at the end hugo called ch and so we left together, ch walking west to hugo's house, me walking east to the train.
it's been raining all day, and i feel like my umbrella is doing nothing to stop the water from melting me, washing me away. i feel like a girl should have 5 good friends on her speed dial she can call when she can't get out of bed, and the chances are pretty good one of them will answer her. i just vacillate between feeling too busy and overwhelmed and poor in my life to do things to meet new people, make new friends. and i'm too picky, really. i only want to be friends with interesting people, people who are cute or funny or smart. but then on the other side is feeling like all of the people i like, who i want to be my friends, are too busy with their lives. a says this is a joe jones sounding neurosis, but i think joe jones would say they don't want to be his friend because they secretly dislike him. i just say their lives are too busy.
anyway, i've done none of my homework for this week. i do have to put some effort into these last 2 weeks or i won't graduate after all and that would be a pity. my life still seems to end in may. 2 weeks of school, mom and grandma come, and there are 4 days from when they leave before i depart for bermuda via pa. i come back to silence. there is nothing solid in my life. there's a visit from g at the begining of june, the flowershop 3 days a week if i can be faithful, beyond that there is no shape to my life but fear. fear and debt.
my refrigerator is full of rotting curry. everything i own is covered in cat hair. there is dirt all over my floors. but i did clean the cat box and take out the newspapers before going over to ch's tonight.
ch and i are always kidding, "kill me!" "i can't kill you, erin mckeown's coming to town" or something. i guess i'm just looking for a reason to live past may. i guess i just have to trust that something will become obvious the farther into may i get.
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