8.11.04

flutter mutter nutter butter

god, she's as much fun as a peanut shaped cookie. mom called as i was eating dinner tonight. she was driving home, and telling me about her new sofa. it's modular, and it's "celery with a little more brown." i told her it sounded awful. she continued to chat, flitting from one topic to another while i went "uh huh. really?" then when she got home, she was all business. "was it you who wanted my lifetime pots?" so, now she's throwing out things that are actually high quality and useful cause "marty doesn't like them." (HELLO! has he EVER cooked on electric? these pans were MADE for an electric stove!) i told her not to give them away till she was sure she liked her new ones. and she's all, "well, i'm home now, so i'll let you go." i say all sarcastic, " i'm so glad i could keep you company on your trip home!" and she's like, "yes thanks, talk to you later" completely oblivious. again, who is this woman, and who can i replace my mother with? opus the penguin has a 1.800.need-a-mom number he calls sometimes. if i had a decent substitute for who she used to be with me, i'd be easy to write her off. but she keeps dropping me these tiny questions that i just eat up (how was your halloween party? what are you having for dinner?) that i just eat up. it makes my relationship with g seem healthy. i don't even know what i want it to be, at this point. i mean, i know i want her to be someone she's not anymore. but what do i want my relationship with this new person to be? should i be her ear to tell all her boring blogish daily stories? should i have a passing aquatienceship with her? should i make her listen to all of my worries and activites whether or not she cares? can i even have a relationship with someone when i dislike their husband so much? should i just cut off all contact until i get it all figured out? little chance of that. i'll be there AGAIN for thanksgiving, then she's coming for the opening of guys and dolls. it's sick how much i'm in PA. this will be it for awhile though. if i have any money left after germany, which is doubtful, i'll spend it going to rochester ny for spring break. have to catch that narrow window between when allie turns 21 and when she graduates.
feeling very morose and contimplative, i've decided, while writing this. checking out all the features of osx and currently have my screen photo changing every 5 minutes. i can only choose one folder, and the one with the largest selection is the beach one. its so strange to see me in a bikini, my breasts on the opposite sides of my body than usual. there are so many pictures of people in my family on this very same beach in their 20s. it makes me very nostalgic, or something else- more like thinking the choices i've made are bad ones, or the things that aren't my choises are curses i deserve pity for, or that this stranger with the dreadlocks looks as if she thinks she's much cooler than she really is, or perhaps i'm much less cool than i look. and of course, where the lines between cool/ interesting/ content/ acomplished are so wavery these days. will take some mustard, forget me not, will go to bed. i'll be better tomorrow, you'll see.

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