thursday night

i didn't post! weren't you worried? here's what happened: after work on thursday i had to go to the post show discussion of my play. it was totally lame, but while there i got invited to the cast party. i couldn't decide to go or not, so i went to have some thai to think about it... i decided to go. it's at michael's house, at irving park and sheridan. i was so wistful, thinking about cory and tom's place, just a block away. rembering carying their stereo, bottle of tequila, paper lantern and chickenesque burgers home with me on the train. i miss them. anyway, i've always liked michael, even though his kindness and laidbackness (he wrote for his shoe size 8-11 so i wouldn't worry! ) made me peg him a pothead. his place is super nice, much more open than north side places usually are. and the wood floor and trim was all unpainted, stained really dark-it made it seem all grown up. it was just trinia and nathan and michael and me for a long time. i felt so out of it, being a designer, and i couldn't understand trinia and nathan! it made me feel so white! when they talked to me it was ok, but drinking didn't really help. there was melon flavored vodka i was mixing with jucy juice- it was really good, and probably why i stayed as late as i did. michael is a super nice guy- i thought so before, but he was really kind to me at the party. engaged me, made me feel like i wasn't left out. of course there was pot. he's a big smoker. the thing that bugs me the most about it is all the finiky little processes one must go through. it's not like you pull out your pack of cigarettes. it takes for ever, and i always have my eyes on the clock. we talked about it early on, he was doing his justifying and explaining, and i'm like, man, it's not like i don't know anyone who does, the opertunity just hasn't come up yet. many of the stories my friends tell me involve pot. lots of people don't believe i haven't smoked. i've gotten stopped in the elevator more than once by people looking to get some. i just always have to leave early, or i don't feel safe, or whatever. and he looks me in the eye and says, you can do whatever you want, but i want you to know you are safe here tonight, and if nothing else i'm gonna make sure you're feeling safe, we'll make sure everythings going ok, get you a cab home, whatever you need. i'm thinking, god i wish i was straight, but i can't possibly be straight, because i would be crushing on you BIG TIME right about now. i'd been whining about having to work friday, open early, can't stay out late, can't get too fucked up tonight, because ch wanted a long weekend now that he has a bf. this inspires another really awesome bit of conversation:
m: so, are you dating anyone right now?
c: oh no, not me.
m: wanna be?
c: um, yeah, of course...
m: you wanna be dating someone, or you wanna be fucking someone?
c: well, um.. (plays with rainbow jellyrings on thumb)
m: um hum. you don't wanna be dating someone. (wry grin)
c. you're right. i just wanna be fucking someone. i can't imagine living with anyone.
m: i know what you mean. (c thinks, no you don't, you live with larry)
c: or, i think it's more, i can't imagine anyone loving me that way
m: (with another one of those soulfilled glances) that's the truth right there. when it comes down to it, i think why would any girl want me - what is there to like about me? hey, you wanna go around the corner with me, get some coke and stuff?

in all that playing with my rings, i wish he wouldn't have been a host, i wish i could have had a chance to look at him back and say, you are the kindest straight man i think i've met since i came to chicago. certainly the only one who wasn't a christian and had to be. you are caring, compassionate, well spoken (really- don't base it on the diologe above!), intelligent, and a good housekeeper. i am so sorry to tell you that i'm a lesbian, because i would love to thow my arms around your neck right now and tell you even more things there are to like about you. i tend to fall in love with straight girls myself, so if i find any unattached winners, perhaps i'll send them your way.
although 3 drinks later, i was thinking that perhaps fucking him would be a good idea, to set my mind straight (pun) once and for all.
once the joint was lit, lots more people showed up, mostly ignoring me. i figured i'd finish my drink about 10, and those were both signals for me to leave. i decided if i didn't have to open the store and work all day by myself, i would have smoked, but i've drunk enough already. i just don't do well at big parties. i have to be in diads, maybe triads, to interact. i had, oh, 10 mins of that before i left, put a good taste in my mouth. i touched michael's hand - said i'm leaving
m: aw, how are you getting home? do you llive off the red line? you didn't drive did you?
c: train, bus, etc. it'll be hours.
m: are you gonna be ok getting home?
c: i'll be fine.
m: are you sure?
c: i've just be drinking. i'll be fine, really.
m: ok, then, travel safe.
c: the next party, if you invite me, i'll smoke.
m: really? do you still have my number? you got your invitation?
c: yes, do you have mine?
m: no, i don't have anything. look, you call me. will i see you at the show.
c: i don't know, i don't even know if i'll be at strike.
m: oh, well, thanks for coming, have a safe trip home.

so now i have to decide, when, if, to call him. maybe i'll have him over for dinner sometime. i'm better on my own turf. and he's such a nice guy. riding home i could smell my hair, and i wondered if those sitting around me on the train could smell pot. i don't know what's wrong with me, why i can't smell it. i thought it was just me being stupid, when others are catching wiffs of it and i can't smell a thing. but i knew which cigarette was the pot at this party, and i couldn't tell the smell from the cigarettes and the incence. so now it's proven. i'm nasally deficent.

came home, fell into bed. was exhausted but no hangover friday morning.
that was this morning, long time ago!
the things that happened today:
-got my old computer set up at the flowershop. yeea haw! internet access from work! love it, love it!
-ch said his nap was too long and he wouldn't be able to go see my play
- called g as she hasn't answered my emails in 2 weeks
-called z and said spring break is coming too soon. i won't be able to visit. she suggested a long weekend later in the semester. so perhaps i'll do that instead. i hope so.
but then, things looked up:
-finally got the package ruth sent by boat! and it's the jerry uselman poster! will have to tell that story later. also, a great picture of me in my false eyelahes. and some pictures of me laughing, something only ruth captures.
-g called. she's sent me 3 emails. she was distraught by my message. i gotta figure out what's wrong with aol and why i'm not getting all of my emails. she couldn't talk long though cause she and jess were on their way to sweet water taste! whoo hoo! i'm so happy they got tickets.

that's all. isn't that enough? now i need to call aol and find my freakin emails.