breakdown

it's been a bad, bad day. after all the online problems last night, i realized as i was falling asleep that i didn't have the paper due today printed out. so i woke up early to take care of that- installing the printer software on the new computer, etc. it printed out my bibliography before jamming. i can't get it to take up the paper correctly. i flipped out. was screaming, crying, swearing. kicking things, throwing paper, throwing my breakfast (bagel) against the walls. didn't know what to do. finally showed up at class 20 min late with the last 3 pages of the paper. kept tripping over the phone cord strung across my appartment, and so just plugged it into the back of the new computer. somehow, that fixed the online problem, so now i'm typing on the new computer. and more importantly, it let me email my essay to myself so that i could retrieve it someplace that doesn't have a printer that's a piece of shit. was bitter, bitter. when i arrived in my next class i was so tired. sean (the professor) said good morning to me and i grunted. it was rather rude. i wasn't prepared, hadn't done the reading, didn't participate in the discussion, and it was 80 degrees in the classroom. i took off my long sleeved shirt and my shoes. didn't think i could survive text analysis. it's brecht. no way could i sit through epic play discussion. i can't even finish mother courage and her children. so i skipped, walked all the way to the english building on congress, the only computer lab i know still takes the old universal print cards. so i printed the paper out there and walked back to the 600 building to put it in my professor's mailbox. i didn't know what to do then. go back to class? go home and climb under my duvet? go to belmont and get another piercing? i decided to just go to the theater annex and read my book and eat my soup and see how i felt. then it hit me- i forgot to bring a spoon. i couldn't eat my lunch. this was the breaking point- and i called my mother. it's just that feeling of not knowing what else to do. of needing someone else to acknolage me and my paranoia. i need to grow out of this. i need to handle things myself. i got a plastic spoon from a coffee shop. i ate my soup and felt a little better. went to work at the costume shop, and that was good- people (and people who i like) being forced to relate to me. jared told me i'm not his assistant anymore. i've been a totally sucky assistant, and haven't done a thing, and have felt totally guilty about it. and he was polite, but still, it hurts, you know? didn't say a word to risha all day- too much effort to make conversation with anyone. but we walked out together. and she's like where are you going? when we get outside. she offers me a ride- so i have her drive me to the bus stop. we talked about christmas. she's turning 21 right after it. i told her i'd take her out. what is it me with the young curly headed ones? called mom back as i promsed her i would. it turned really really awful. more damn marty talk. i know i need to be more openminded or forgiving or whatever. this is NOT the day to talk about it. i finally burst into tears ( this is the 4th time today- over the printer, on michigan ave, over my soup and this) and say, "i can't talk about this today i'll call you back sometime later goodbye." the bus driver looked up and asked me. "are you ok?" it was totally sweet and caring. i had a really nice chat with him. gave me back faith in humanity, that there really are intimate strangers out there who give a damn. mom texted me to call back and she promsed not to talk about marty. i said i'd call her after dinner, and that's what i did. whatever. i need to get OVER it. i need to figure out what the frock's wrong with me and how i'm supposed to live my life. there's so, so much to do and i want to do so very little of it. i called g last night, about lack of internet connection, this morning about printing out my paper- she called back when i was talking to mom mid-day. i texted her that i was to mizerable to have anything to do with, but would still hang out with her tomorrow if she wanted to. then we have ch& stacey (who's visiting him for the breakup and move from co.) 's smash n' grab party on sat. night. i don't know how to balance this fun with my schoolowork, and my basic downtime of blogging and cooking. i just need to go to bed. after i wake up tomorrow, i won't have to do it again for 2 days. there's hope there somewhere.