but then, you know, i had to get down to work. actually, i just made the connection. whether i think about it or not, i always start having fire reactions in february. and it seems to be the same sort of thing in june. now that i speak to leah on a regular basis and don't send my yearly epistle to the void of her maiilbox anymore, thanking her for being the first person to ever come out to me and telling her my place on my journey, i need to write some other email to celebrate pride. so i wrote to my dad instead. it was pretty much the normal experience, the basic. lots of crying and shaking. actually, most of what i wrote is in regards to living in chicago, which i find interesting so will quote here:
"you know, i was a pretty unhappy teenager. i was so discontent and always felt like i'd never fit in. i didn't know then that EVERY teenager feels like they don't fit in. it's just part of the territory. it was so nice to go to my grandparents house on the farm as a change i sometimes considered moving there, but i felt like i fit in there even less. (the whole mountain dew addiction- what is WITH that?) when i moved to chicago, even before i knew it, when the bvs bus was first driving past the numbered streets on the expressway, i felt a sort of settling- if this wasn't the place i was supposed to be, i was sure supposed to be in a place like it. i've gone through some bad times here, and also some really amazing ones, but underneath it all is the awareness that i am an urban person, that is my sense of place, the same way you get headaches if you leave berks county. sometimes your emails seem little passive agressive, saying i won't live in pa because it's too close to you. of course that's not true. i would love to be closer to family. please- anyone should be near enough to have those {party-in-a-box} come to every party. but it's important for me to be independent. to be able to take the train from place to place, to be able to walk home safely any time of day or night, to be able to go to concerts and museums and galleries. do you imagine what my life would look like in berks county? i would have to take a cab to the grocery store. i'd spend most of my life waiting for busses on penn street. i would have to do everything before 5 when the busses stop running- or i guess in the summertime i'd have a few more hours of daylight to ride by bike. not that it matters, cause there's not that much to do for a wild thing like me at night, anyway. i need more options that the shady bar on the corner and sting at the soverign center on a tuesday night. a few years ago when uncle dave was telling allie, "i just don't undertand why anyone would want to go to europe" i figured out he and i aren't that different- we feel the same way about the place we live, they're just very different places. he's lucky, he was born the place he belongs. i had to go out and find mine. when i first came to chicago and was all inspired, i cut 2 quotes out of the newspaper. one was from the opera der fliedermaus which was playing here at the time it's, "life is like a piano- you can't play just on the white keys forever," which i stuck on my scrapbook. the other is from a woman flautist who plays jazz, and i guess there aren't that many women jazz musicians, or for that matter much space for flute players, and her quote makes me feel just like her, "when i came to chicago as an adult, i realized this was the only place i had ever found community- a group of people who wanted to dream some of the same dreams as me." i of course want to make you happy, but i also want to make choices that are true to myself. i know you wish i could drive or was a sporty sorta gal or would live in berks county but that's not who i am. when you continue to push these sorts of things, and tell me i don't like them just to make you upset, it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me that i can't be who you want me to be. and i know that's not what you mean! you're proud of me and think i'm a great person. "
i talk about education and friends a bit, then i tell him 'bout l. the scary paragraph i follow that with is this:
"i know we haven't had this discussion yet- probably cause i have no idea how you'll react. you've always surprised me because you're not religious but you have such strong morals. things i think you'll support you don't want me to do, and things i think you hate you think are good ideas. i know you type the whole no one can or does love you more than me thing, but i've also heard you talk about the men dining at rehoboth and seen your limp wrists while telling the story of the boy you proudly clotheslined into the girls bathroom while skating. so i don't know. i'm sure me being queer is something you've considered before, but take time think about it more seriously now. i don't want you to just fire off a rash response, that's why i think email's a good form of communication. of course, i'm terribly nervous so i'll want to hear from you sooner rather than later. and don't think toooo much, because mom says thinking about your kid's sexuality is as gross as thinking about your parents'- ewww!"
so i'm feeling cold and scared and want your hugs. you know, the usual.
and now for something competely different- i've been browsing all these want ads for jobs, right? and i can't help but venture into the personals while i'm at the home page. i'm so horny- i think it's time to go through my slutty phase. i know it's probably not a good idea to sleep with lots of random people i meet on the internet... but why am i so very tempted?
posted this, but then had to repost after i read last week's a softer world. how could a cartoon be more appropriate? i love a softer world:
(and it should be clickable)
No comments:
Post a Comment