mind spots

i don't know what to post about. i'm sad that this is my home page, i wanna see if i have any comments, first. i've been thinking of a bunch of middles of posts, but they aren't very good stand alone. i guess i could stick them all together in a stream of conciousness post, but i dont think that will be effective. i'm going to try the short post method:
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind: of course good movie, though i think kate winslet is a really boring actor. even though she was playing such an interesting character, i thought someone else could have done a better job. jim carry is growing on me, as long as he has straight roles. and kristin dunst is always excellent. it doesn't work if you think about it too much, but as mom said, i loved it for the same reasons i loved being john malkovich and adaptation. kept thinking if i could ever for any reason ever justify erasing anything in my mind. but i can't. i'll let you know if i come up with something.
day at work: another really good day, dollar wise. i'm realy selling the flowers. i made the 80 arranged mixed colors. it looked good, i was proud. i've never arranged that many before, esp. not in foam. it was hard being so big, the stems were so long you coundn't really have as much control as foam normally gives you. i washed for joe. he was a big help. i'm still not sure what i think of him... but he's safely in the relm of less fun than cory and more fun than jim.. though i know that is a wide gulf for a temp to be in. i think i would like him better if i didn't feel such derisiveness twards women/lesbians/me coming off him. but i don't really care, and he's polite about me to my face, so all is well.
comparisons: still thinking alot about my time spent with z. after my shower i started to see myself in the mirror as the funky person i am, again. i really look completely different when i'm depressed or when i'm happy. i see me either looking nasy or hot. but hanging out at the sorority house with all those beautiful well formed women i found myself looking really odd in the mirrors. like i was a fun house creature compared with everyone else. not that i was unhappy with myself, just emphasis on my bizzareness. and that's what i work with, too. i think i'd get really depressed if i tried to wear makeup so it didn't look like i was wearing any, to be subtle, or to try and be sexy or pretty. that's not going to work with me. i can pull off hot, and i'm usally satisfied with that. was singing alot of ani d lines about being funny looking. i think in alot of ways i look similar to her, although my nose is cuter. but she has better cheeks. but back to z and i- cause the comparisons i really want to talk about are different ones. was reading in the newspaper about how they just discovered why the unpopped popcorn kernels don't pop (the hull isn't airtight and the steam can't build to great pressure inside) and was thinking that this is the sort of thing z will do when she grows up while i sew clothing for imaginary people. i hope that this doesn't sound derogatory. i would much prefer to sew. i like jobs without significant concequences for failure. i had some better ones. Ah, yes, joni songs. was going through albums while washing dishes the other night. i'm song to a seagull and z is cactus tree, i'm lesson in survival, she's let the wind carry me...
talking with a: i've gotten 2 text messages from her, and we talked again long tonight. i'm so happy we're going through a new phase where we talk a lot. i hope it lasts. it makes me really happy when i'm able to communicate, when someone appriciates what an intense friend i am to have. with everyone else it seems that when i can commit we have a strong friendship, and when i'm tired or distracted, the friendship is weaker until i can commit again. with a, if i am tired or distracted then it is her turn to cheer me up. i don't know if this means i feel like i'm never cheery in my other friendships, and don't want to be constantly pressuring them, or if i feel like amy is uncheery often enough that i feel justified in asking for as much cheering up as i give. anyways, it's good right now. though one of our topics makes me just INCENCED against american health care. i think everyone has a right to be healthy, and everyone should be able to afford the care they need. i can understand if people can't afford the cell phone coverage they need, or computer they need, even vacation time... but if you are a happy healthy person with a perscription, you should be able to get that perscription! why doesn't any insurance company cover pre-existing conditions? why is dental and optical and psycological care so much more exclusive than others? why is it so easy to get male sexual inhancement drugs and so hard to get birth control??? grrr!
i think that's everything. i could talk about this weekend's school work, but that's just boring.