mortal city

"...i never should have rented this apartment, in the mortal city, the cold comes through every crack i put my hand up to.."

today is very march. i had the MOST ANNOYING customers at work today. i wasn't in the mood to deal with them, but still they came. ugh. ended up talking to my mom for a long time during the lag in the middle, and that went surprisingly well. she's at home, there's an ice storm in pa. anyway, ch left at noon, still sick. his new mix is called "10 day cold" i saw after we listened to it this morning. now i'm sneezing. i don't know if it's hypochondria, psychosymatic or cat hair... a few days will tell, i guess. i was in a bitchy mood, too, at being left alone again. and i hadn't gotten much sleep last night- i was so excited to talk to l, finally, but then i blew it and said something that made her all mad at me and hang up, so then i of course stayed up all night worrying. i hate this, i hate myself. what is wrong with me? i know logically i should not be doing this, but i don't know how to stop, don't know how to put the argument out of my mind. i take my white chestnut, i take my bleeding heart, i take my melatonin, nothing works. nothing but the vicadin. and if i hate myself for staying up worrying, i hate myself even more for taking vicadin for mental anguish. i avoid it as much as i can. plus, i don't have that many of them...

anyway, tired and cranky and lonely today, and knowing tomorrow's friday doesn't help. the weekends come so fast when one has to work through them. i am not looking forward to the shopping and writing and research required of me. there was just no way i could make dinner tonight, so i stopped at the taquiria on the way home- tacos for tonight and tomorrow lunch. really, though, i need to go grocery shopping. if i make a list tonight, i should have enough gumption to go out tomorrow. i have time to go out tonight, but damn, it's just too cold.