messy

you know sometimes when you have a cold, and it's like one symtom a day, first you wake up with a sore throat, then the next day it's gone, but you're stuffy, and then the next day it seems to have all drained into your ears and you're like, "ENOUGH ALREADY! could i just be laid out for a day and get it over with!?!?" i think i'm having that sort of depression. i mean, i'm certainly not feeling well, i'm discontent, i can't get anything done, i mope around the house, read books in bed, drink booze and eat chocolate, ignore my list. but when i'm depressed i feel lonely and sorry for myself, but i haven't been able to sink my heels into that because i keep talking to a on the phone or hanging out with ch. i don't know if this is a remedy, or at least a anesthetic that will make it easier later, or if it's just postponing an explosion of sadness that will be coming soon. i don't know. i just take my flower remedies and hope.

it's sunday. one of these sundays i MUST get my ass to church so i'll have a new story for my grandma. i won't be able to keep this up forever. but i was religious today. i've been listening to my diary july 03 mix, which has a bunch of OLD stuff on it, and it inspired me to listen to jars of clay's first album- still excellent. then i went to ch's to watch maria full of grace. ch called this morning on his way home- i feel like such a movie character, the screen shows me in bed with my book of lesbian pulp fiction
and chocolate wrappers.

and my cell rings, and then we cut to ch, walking home the morning after all giddy with his stories. he was given breakfast and lent movies, and so i invite myself over to watch said movies, and he invites me for dinner, since i cooked last time.

do i get ANYTHING done before going over there? no. i eat breakfast, get dressed, talk to amy, tidy a bit. nothing gets crossed off my list. so i go back over to ch's, we watch maria full of grace, and he makes me a beautiful feast. first is salad, spring greens and tomatoes topped with green beans sauteed in lots of garlic. then is cream of turnip and potato soup, and little grilled sandwiches made out of fancy flatbread, with zuchini and tomatoes and 2 kinds of melted cheese. on johnny b's fancy williams-sonoma-ware, it looked just out of a magazine, and tasted even better. i joked about taking a picture, but now i'm really sorry i didn't, cause now i want to show it to all of you.

we both thought maria full of grace would be an agonizing downer, so we were both pleasantly surprised. i mean, it still was awfully painful to watch, but as ch said, it was well made, ended with a bit of hope, and a new julieta venegas song, so what more could you ask for?

i may love julieta venegas more than erin mckeown. just so you know. has anyone SEEN that fur coat in the "hoy no quiero" video?

anyway, i didn't wanna go home, so we ended up watching the upside of anger, too. which was agonizing in a totally different way, and perhaps an even better movie. it was good to laugh. and no one could possibly talk about the upside of anger without mentoining l. which i am doing now, then signing off, because she is texting me!