here i am, standing in a circle of quiet, waitng for the world to turn. turn away from all this damn stress. completely ignored my show all day today. took me an hour to get out of bed, it was bad. i'd had enough sleep, but i kept getting distracted. staring off into space. i showered, ate breakfast, and finally picked up my apartment. even the desk. didn't vacuum or recycle the newspapers or anything, but the flat surfaces are cleared off. as i was finishing g called to come over for her pants. so i had to mend those, and she babbled to me as i fixed them. one pair had to be patched by hand, so i'm glad she kept me company for that. we had lunch, and then she stuck around longer and we ended up talking about church, which was bad. not in a she's a christian i'm not sort of way. but i guess she's left the vineyard for the same reasons i did- the difficult, false community. and talking about bad things sometimes is refreshing, and you get new insights or perspective or impowerment. and sometimes it just makes you feel lousy. this was a lousy time. it reminded me of the time ruth and i went to audrey's, back when both of them lived in chicago. and we bitched about su casa, and it made us both depressed. i miss community. even bad community? i ask myself. i wonder.
in a more bitchy form of depression. ignored my mom when she called today. can't believe i have to go to pam's party tonight. i think i'm low enough i can fake cheerfulness, though. it's weird. when i get bad enough at some point i trancend letting my feelings show, and i can be totally charming and look like i'm having a great time when i'm dying inside. it's strange, and never dependable. sometimes i'm having a good time but can't convey it. other times i have to be just how i feel. and then there's this. don't ask me.
sweet pea- for the traveler or wanderer; inability to establish roots in commuity, or to commit oneself to larger community needs
over the rhine- circle of quiet
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