i was so excited to go to work today, i thought i'd be able to avoid showing my sketches and rendering to anyone, or at least have it over and done with. and then i could go shopping. i felt so good after shoping last time, i was lookiing forward to it happening.
long story short- it didn't. i felt like i was shopping with jamie. i don't think what i'm looking for is that diffiicult to find. i evne have an open mind about a few items. but i could find nothing that i was looking for. things that i wasn't looking for, sure. i found a red dress, so that's one less thing to have built. my swatches, which are navy are inaproprate for the BLUE dress. i really like the color that it's rendered. but i don't think i'm going to be able to find that color blue lace. and then at nordstrom rack i found a indigo jacktet that's just great. i tried to find a blue dress to match it, but it's too bright- makes every other blue look greyed. then while brousing i found the jacket lace as a dress! exactly what i was looking for! -in size medium. she's a 1X. i thought about buying both of them and getting tom to cut them apart and sew them back together. but the lace was made for it- the pattern follows the hem and the neckline. so now i have the jacket- i'm not sure if i'm closer or farther away from my goal.
i finally started getting really hungry, as well as frustrated and overwhelmed (what is WITH h&m? all their clothes are UGLY) and it was 2.30 so i thought i'd go home and eat lunch and i'd feel better. i felt much better physically, but not any better emotionally. not as distraught as last night, but more weary, will i be able to carry on, carry this through to completion? i thought i'd take a nap, but after dozing for a while ch called. it was so nice to think about valentine's day stress rather than costuming stress. after i hung up i felt the cloud settle back over me after my brief reprive, and realized i was too worried (and had drunk coke with lunch) to fall asleep. so i got out of bed, got my book out of my bag, the bag of chocolates out of the freezer, and crawled back into bed. i called my mother. it seemed like a good idea at the time.
three hours later it occoured to me i'll start to feel sick if i just eat chocolate, and should think about eating something nutricious again. the groceries i had left were for mac and cheese (with broccoli, too) so i started cooking when my mom called back. what happened? we used to be able to relate, didn't we? perhaps it comes with me owning my depression, and not just saying that it's cause i'm in highschool and have no boyfriend or any friends but a and it comes with the territory. i don't remember. perhaps it's worse with her being so far away- she doesn't like that. she's like, you sound better. and i'm like, not really, but i'm out of bed, so i guess that's better. i bitch for a minute, and she says, well, eventually all that worry is counterproductive. you need to... and i interject, snap out of it? yes, snap out of it, she agrees. this is the first wrong thing she says. what? what does that mean? do i just say, to myself, self, you seem unreasonably obsessed. i think we need to think about something else and do that? can people do that? do others have the option about how they feel? are other people able to feel them selves getting pent up and just give a little shake of their head, dance around the kitchen twice, and they are through it? i don't feel like i have control over my moods, like they are somthing i'm cooking on the stove, they are more like the ocean, something i need to be very careful of and aware of, cause the undertow's strong, and some of the waves break early, and we're always wading near the jetty. (this respect for the ocean is built into me, the legacy i've recived in my subconcious from my parents rasing, and even being drunk with kristy and a won't waver that) and mom and i are just in our roles, we can't leave them. i have no strength to do anything when i'm like this, i'm actually very proud of my self for cooking dinner, and then i start washing dishes while talking to mom while it bakes. and she keeps digging, trying to figure out why i'm feeling this way, and she makes suggestion after suggestion of what i can do about it. i finally stop her, and try to use good hre, and use i feel statements, and i tell her, when you tell me all these things i have to do, it makes me feel incompotent, like i can't get my shit together, like i've screwed up beyond hope, that i'm doing a terrible job up until this point, i can't figure out how to live my life, how to make it work for me... i can't remember. i kept trying to explain exactly what it was, and she cuts me off with a "AAAA!" like a kitten was crawling up her leg, but i guess it was me, she thinks i was ranting. and she is STILL all accusitory, and i STILL feel like it's all my fault for feeling this way. she's trying to tell me that i'm a wonderful competent person, and i'm not alowed to think those things about myself, and i'm CERTAINTLY not alowed to twist her words to say those things to me. i am not a very receptive vessel for her fucking encouragement. i spent the end of the dishes and the end of the conversation crying, i can't remember how it went from there, it doesn't matter, it would just upset me. she finally ends with, i hope you can find someone there to talk to. i've got to go. i hung up and sobbed and sobbed. i was so glad to be able to really cry, wanted to so badly last night and couldn't, and it's better than being nautious, which i really hate- it somehow moves things into a different catagory. having suicidal thoughts can be delt with, but you worry if you have suicidal plans (not even thoughts of carrying them out, plans are where i draw the line) and it's the same thing. you can worry yourself sick, but if you actually puke, that's when you're in big trouble. i'd much rather bawl and bawl. so now i'm just cold and weepy and hungry. i'm going to take the mac and cheese and broccoli out of the oven. thanks for reading.
spinning- cafe cubana and moreno veloso, to burn for g
oak (which i don't have)- for going beyond one's natural limits, innate strength which is pushed too far, struggling beyond limits, or not knowing when to surrender.
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