spinning- indigo girls, shame on you
violet- for tendency to hold back in communication, shyness
sang this three times last night. first beautiful lady: i think g and i are fighting, and it as usual obsesses my every thought. it's my fault. i was so angry friday night, and when i got an email from her saying let's get together next weekend or the one after, i wrote a rather cruel cold email back. so yesterday i got a reply that was a forward of my email, and all she wrote was "So, I should feel guilty? Sorry for making an effort? I'm sorry." i immediately responded,
"your fatal mistake was having your email in my box so i read it friday night!
you know how disasterous friday nights are for me! you should
a. avoid them all together or
b. take special notice of them.
you better have more consideration in the future. (end biting self-sarcasm)
my god! what a freak i am! i'm sorry. i don't know why i do this, decide that it's too much effort to have friends and try and shed them. i do like you, want to see you sometime, etc. my daily life continues to terrify me, and i can't imagine it extending beyond my play. but we should go out, tenatively, after that. and of course, my hair... perhaps some week night?
this is assuming, of course, that "So, I should feel ...sorry for making an effort? I'm sorry." means your apologizing for whatever it is that made me so cold, not that i've finally pushed you over and you are sorry for making an effort. which would be really sick, seeing how you actually make an effort just cause i asked it, cause i like for you to, and all you've ever asked of me was to not be so prissy and uptight and hurt about plans.
anyway, i am sorry, and will TRY to only communicate when i'm feeling human.
caitlin"
i haven't heard back yet. i'm obsessing. oh yes. i am NOT over her. i think i am, and i blow her off, and then something happens and i can't get it out of my head again. then i had to go out with ch and jasmine and jack and joe. it was my first drag show, i thought, then i realized the ruby and vicky boofont defintely count as drag, so i guess not. anyway, more beautiful ladies walking right by. there were 3, one looked great, another was talented, and the third... well, she was old and frumpy and didn't know many of the words. joe kept going on about his lesbian friends and the dykes who play darts there monday night. what exactly is my reaction supposed to be? i didn't get there till 10 and left to catch the bus at 12.30, so i didn't have time to become drunk or upset or introverted. there was a great moment, i forget the context, but jasmine says, 'after this morning, nothing is taboo!" and i asked what happened this morning, and ch said, "i was telling jasmine which of the cousins i've slept with!" "and the neighbor boys" jasmine adds. trying to imagine this in my family!! there's really no comparison, though. jasmine is ch's niece, and 10 years younger than him (another great moment was when joe asked ch, 'when were we into this album?" and ch says, "1987." jasmine says, "i was SEVEN then!" and i said, "so was i!" it was awesome. ch said, "you two are dangerous together!") it makes me think of kyleigh, my cousin who's 11 years younger than me. there is no where i can imagine in ten years sitting in a gay bar with kyleigh. let alone talking about people i've slept with! (and just so you know, it won't be including any family members!)
the third beautiful lady walking by was on the bus. it was cold, windy and snowing heavy wet snow on my way home. i caught the #6 at 1.05am and when we got to van buren this chick puts her BIKE on the front of the bus and sits down across from me. she's wearing this jean jacket and these white aran cabled handwarmers, cut up socks or sweater sleeves. she's got her bike helmet and shoes, and she's beautiful- pale skin, dark hair, big eyes, long nose- she looks like audrey tautou from amalie. ok, a jewish, caught in the snow version, but still. and i'm trying not to stare at her, and i'm thinking that if i was charles i would be able to pick her up right now, if i was my mother we'd be talking all the way to hyde park, but i can't do it, i don't know what to say, i'm just staring, i haven't drunk enough, this is awful. i'm probably obsessed by this for 10 minutes, then i finally gather up my courage and my pick up line: " forgive me if i'm nosy, but i'm so curious- what kind of story do you have that leaves you downtown with a bicycle in the snow at 1am?" she smiled at me and enthusiastically talked about riding in the wintertime, going to hear a show at belmont, i should try it, get lights so i can ride after dark, there's nothing to do to keep your hands warm. the conversation didn't quite make it to her stop, but it wasn't quite awkward, and as she left she turned back to me, smiled, and said, "maybe next time i see you, you'll be on a bike!' and thanked the driver, and left. hyde park is small enough it wasn't an idle threat- i may actually see her again. of course, i may not, but since i actually did talk to her, if i do, she may remember me. isn't that magical?
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