it keeps pushing

a bit more balanced today, i guess. too tired to be too frantic. i could not sleep last night, my melatonin didn't work. i kept getting up, reading a bit more of the time traveler's wife. almost turned on the computer and blogged again, but i was afraid it would wake me more up instead of make me more sleepy. so was so stupid today at work. i forget the sorts of things i did, but charles actually asked me if i'd been up late the night before. i was so, so depressed when i opened up my tupperware for lunch and instead of beinng full of mushroom stroganoff, it was just the pasta primavera that was leff from last week. ew. i was so sad. good thing i had coke left. that almost made up for it. but i ended up being tired and hungry, and charles bought this big bag of reeses pieces, so we ate those all afternoon till we were sick. then jack came down and spirited charles away and i finished closing up by myself. now i'm at home, ignoring the mess and the responsibily until tomorrow, eating my mac and cheese and drinking coke spiked with vanilla vodka.
i can think of way to tie this into something on my list. it's something ruth and i talked about in the casablanca, and then amy and i discussed it. ruth and i were talking about people in chicago she knew but i never made friends with. there was a german girl who stayed with us for a few days, ruth said she was northern german and very harsh and straightforward. i remember her as being interesing, and we talked one night as i was housemanaging. and she said something to me that i found very true, and painful. i'd said something, and she's like, yeah, you seem pretty low impact. ouch. but i could totally see it, and so much i don't like about myself comes back to being low impact. trying not to make waves, or even build character. i often choose a more simple life. it's too hard otherwise. and the more depressed i am, i'm also more inclined to be lower impact. so i'm hearing it especially right now. why were amy and i talking about it? i have absolutely no idea.

spinning- i won't be sleeping anymore by animal logic (coincidence?)
white chestnut (which i do have, thankfully)- for repetitive, circular thoughts; worries which drain energies and deprive one of sleep.