gosh i love distraction when my life is too overwhelming! i have about 1.5 hrs left in the shop to work on my show. i'm feeling very confident about it though. i hope i'm not missing anything super important! skipped lunch again- i need a schedule. one that doesn't involve fittings. when i got home at 9 after my creative nonfiction course, i had a fat envelope in the mail from BVS (the brethren volunteer service, who brought me to chicago to begin with.) it's been so long i knew it couldn't be anything important (like, say americorps information, which i have to have missed) well, it was their 2005 project book. i looked up su casa, and the hook's gone. i would never pick that project now on its description, and i don't think i would have picked it in 99 with today's description. even knowing ruth was going there. even if it meant coming to chicago. and where would i be now if that hadn't happened? i could be planting fucking trees in witchita kansas with regina as my choice german. i made the right choice, even if it meant 11 months of misery. and why do i think it would be any different this time around? well, cause i know so much more now. i have a better clue about who i am, and what i need to survive. i remember having a hard time with that question on the application- i think i said a source of transportation, a church family and a library card. oddly enough, that's what made su casa bearable... but i would prefer it to be a more positive experience! i remember feeling like i couldn't do any projects then, but now i know who i am and who i like. i'm good at office work, boring stuff. i can work independently, but am not a self-starter. things like peace and justice were such new ideas for me last time- now i'm down with those brethren ideals. going to germany with bvs would be a great way to put off having a real job after college, worrying about supporting myself. i would live in germany for 2 years. i would learn german. i often think su casa would have been bearable if it had just been hispanic culture i was in love with, instead of german. i've been wanting to go to germany with bvs for what, 7 years now? and i'm actually getting close to graduating, having the degree to do that. this is the project that's really grabbing my attention now:
1131. Minden, Germany
The German branch of the International Fellowship of Reconciliation (Versoehnungsbund), an organization of people believing in nonviolence as a lifestyle and as a method of personal, social, and political change, seeks an International Volunteer to work in the national office as well as on a variety of tasks in other locations in Germany. Duties include assistance in preparation of and participation in annual conference, other meetings, summer camps, and youth gatherings, support of the peace worker, as well as other projects and campaigns. Re: Nonviolent convictions, computer skills/knowledge useful, some knowledge of German and willingness to learn more, willing to work more than 8-hour days during special events or to sometimes do routine office tasks, flexibility and adaptability to moving around the different locations and conditions.
so this is my current pipe dream. could i pack my whole apartment up and put it in storage? could i give up the lease on my appartment? could i give up my job at the flowershop? the problem with all of these things is wanting them back in 3 years. no matter how much the apartment manager or ch loves me, they're not gonna hold my apt or job for me. ch isn't gonna run the shop alone for 2 years. i think i have enough gumption to get there (i think i could convince dan that i've learned from my first project and won't make the same mistakes in the future!)it's the getting back that i'd be worried about. living with renee, having that relationship fall apart as i lived in that tiny room under the stairs with the 2 adults and 3 small children while looking for a job, an apartment, a way to make life in chicago work... am i willing to build all that character again? the loans would be an added issue this time around. job is more important. and the project itself- could i do it as not being a xian anymore? maybe it's easier to serve for the good of the world than because jesus says we should. so this is how i'm expending mental energy tonight. a way out of play fear. it'll be interesting to see if i ever do make it to germany.
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