i can't do this

it's midnight. i've sketched out 3 presentable models of what i think i want on tracing paper. i still don't know about this fucking fashionable slave attire. i like it. everything i've shown to my director has been so quickly shot down. as if i haven't done enough research. how much can i do? my elizabeth is too small. i like it and it's the dress i want. but i can't draw it again, i'm gonna have to take it to a copy shop to blow it up. blow them all up- that sounds like a good idea. bomb in the appartment, etc. i can't go into my second (!) meeting with patti and tom tomorrow with 3 sheets of tracing paper. i bet fucking jessie has all 20 of her renderings done for her show 3 weeks after mine. i took the sketch i stayed up too late last night doing and put it on watercoior paper, rendered it. i'm happy with the fabric, but in general, it's just.. so imperfect. the blue's to bright, it's not acurately portaying the fabric. i think i'm going to be sued by black people, overweight people, for unrealistic depicion. i never had to do a rendering that looked like someone before. well, beyond my mom. but frances will never see that. i hate this feeling, this overwhelming of i think this is the best i can do, and i know my best is so unsatisfactory. why are they letting me do this? this is much too important for me to deal with by myself! i'm not good enough. they'll be all fucked up. i can't do enough. the max i'm willing to give, what i call my best, what i call everything i have, is not enough. i will be called over and over again the next 5 weeks to do more than this. and it's going to start with these fucking renderings (or lack thereof) tomorrow. i can't wait. i'm going to bed. i can't look at these anymore.