sharing online

so, this has come up twice this week. first jamie wrote that my blog was one of the most honest she's come across. then ruth said tobi was impressed with my design, and didn't know that such things were out there. she surmised it's cause boys aren't compelled to tell all about their feelings as girls are. and there are good boy blogs out there. and there are lots and lots of blogs that aren't emotional spewing ones, but i think blogging is good for me because of my extreme need to spew everything. both allie and g have mentioned to me recently that they'd rather not tell all, they'd rather have some mystery. i like that idea. i don't know if i could pull it off, though. no, i know i couldn't. i don't trust strangers with anything, but if your my friend, you're my diary reader. i don't do aquaintences well. i'm not sure why i'm so compelled to tell all. i think this is a good format though. it makes me feel that if you read here, you know exactly as much as you want to about me, and i feel like i've gotten it out, and in our conversations i can focus on you, rather than all the gobblygook that's crowding up the inside of my brain. (as opposed to the outside of my brain.) yes, it's out there in public, which can be a dangerous thing. but it's important to me to have others read it, know it, know me. i can't keep a journal offline, and i wondered about this when i wrote such long autobiographical emails. but i guess the reading for me is as important as the writing. it's not the purging, it's the connection. it's these stories i'm obsessed with. i hold other people up to these spewing-all standards, and it inevedibly fails. and depending on how forthright (open, honest, sharing? my thesauraus doesn't have the word on the tip of my tounge. i want to say germane, but that's not it...) the friend is, it's usally ok, i know no one can be expected to be like i am. in fact, i hate people who are so forthright with personal information with people they don't know. i usally check to make sure my listener cares (with a new spewee, friends who already seem to like listening to me i don't always test first, which can be a problem) before i tell my stories. i guess it's back to the need to be heard as well as to put it out there. but when i roll my eyes and think, would she just shut up? i don't want to know, i don't care, if i cared first it would be one thing, but she should find someone who cares. and then i next think, oh, my life is probably full of people who think that about me. so hopefully bloging helps to curb that tendency. i was admitting my internet addiction these days to a. ( i have to get my stories some way. i haven't been reading on the bus lately cause i've been listening to pearl my ipod and sometimes knitting. however, christie lent me the timetraveler's wife, so pearl will be going long between charges till i finish it!), and she was first dirisive, saying it reminded her of her wasted time on im in highschool. but then she took it back, and said it was wonderful that i was making new friends, and look at me i'm WRITING. so i guess it's in between somewhere. if nothing else, i do have something to show for myself. pages and pages of fascinating self centered ramblings. i promise to put in more sex soon- i have a post about gender perculating and i have to get around to the back it up baby comments (so if you're interested, it's not too far back, you can still comment!) in this little list of crossed out notes, books to read, and things to blog about i have wirsing written down, but it may be too late for that. stay tuned.