sorry so much life keeps happening between posts. so all depressed thursday, and i get a "we need to talk" text from d. worried about it all day, and of course that night was one of the classic scedule three things at once screw ups. i know i'm not getting enough sleep when:
1. i can't keep my planner or my life straight and schedule multiple things at once.
2. i get depressed, lonely, sorry for myself, overwhelmed
3. i say inappropriate things to or about my friends to make them unhappy with me.
so anyway, thursday night ch was supposed to come over for dinner and some mending. and d got a babysitter so we could go see shortbus. and the bag lady was finally supposed to swap bags with me. so d came over to wait for the bag lady with me, then we went to our "place" in my neighborhood for sushi and serious discussion. basically, she'd read the blog from wednesday night and was feeling, probably rightfully, hurt. it was all ok, i apologized, but i still ended up feeling like shit. not that she made me feel this way- she was beyond kind to me- it was definately self hating going on.
but then yesterday i worked in the spectacle space with christopher, and he helped me work out of it. i guess talking it through to a place of peace is something he has to do alot with his boyfriend, so he's got practice. d texted me that morning saying i should take my stuff with me to go right there after work, which was sort of overwhelming- that feeling of when am i going to see my cat again? but jr wanted me to go with to see flushed away, and d had a meeting on the southside this morning, so she could drop me off in hyde park for the hyde park anniversary shape note sing.
but after a day with christopher, i was feeling, good, an ok, i can do this, and not only CAN i, i WANT to, sort of feeling. christopher finally gave me the thank you gift he's been saving. a tassle. the worlds largest tassle. a tassle so large it has tassles. picture forthcomming. and he told me i didn't have to come in on saturday, so i could sing all day. so i headed off cheerfully to d's house, where my cheerfulness slowly dispersed, along with my body heat, over the 35 min. i waited for the bus. i was 2 minutes short of just going back down into the subway to get the train home when the bus called. i met d and jr at our "place" in her neighborhood for tacos. d had to stop at the bank before the movie, and while she was in there jr promply fell asleep. i really didn't want to see the movie, so i persuaded d just to take us back home. horray! into bed early.
which was a great plan except for the part where if jr goes to bed at 7:45, it means he'll wake up at 5:45....
but d didn't have her meeting, so we could spend our post-waking-up hours leasurely. she drove me to hyde park not too late for the singing, and it was lots and lots of fun. my new friends from the northside and familiar faces from the south side were all there. we sang alot out of the missouri harmony, which i found not so much fun, but we sang fun old ones, too. the bass who lead the memorial lesson mentioned vi stark, and i cried. i miss her a lot in the treble section. and i miss the opertunities i never had to get to know her, i'm so sorry i never sent a card or sang in her hospital room, or came to a sing in the year when she was on the memorial list, or knew anything about her besides her favorite tunes until i read her obituary. she was just so quiet and kind, and now she's not here anymore, and i'm not sure what kind of soul connection i feel i had with her that now i miss her so much.
took the cta home of course, and got here quite fast- a little over an hour. mom called, and i chatted with her for a while before heading off to square dancing. i didn't have time or inclination to change into a twirly skirt, so this was my first time dancing in jeans. everyone saw my butch look. when i got there, i was the only person at class level, and there was just one square. it was me and my gay partner, another couple from our club, an african american couple, him with his cowboy boots and her with her great big twirly skirt, and an ancient little old man, and his grey haired wife with a heather grey sweater with white cats on it.
i was very dubious, but it turned out quite nicely- everyone was friendly and kind, and about the same skill level. they were all very nice to marshall and i, who ended up being the two class level dancers there. the caller had a vest, a belt buckle the size of a plate, and crocodile boots. for singing calls he had a record player he played 45s on. halfway through the first tip, he stopped us on the grand square, and said, "on the southside, THIS is how we do it." so we did the southside claps. i made some assumptions about the couples from downstate clubs, with their western wear and flag-shaped name badges- namely about their politics, but i guess they knew that chi-town squares is a gay square dance club, and they were all very nice. and besides there's more of us than there are of them. though a few times the caller did have to say, "men, raise your hands" wich i assume doesn't happen at the sorts of square dances where all the girls are women and wear twirly skirts.
anyway, that's been my weekend so far. i'm feeling much better, and i gotta say it's thanks for all your kind comments. j, thanks for always being there. krista, a cockroach friend is the best kind there is. thank you. liz, i fully accept your hug, i hug lots of strangers at square dancing, and i've spent more time with you than, say, krista, and we live in the same city, so no awkwardness necessary. such a delightful surprise to see you still hanging round here. thanks.
and thanks to all you other lurkers. if i knew who you were, i would thank you too. but i just have some vague inklings, nothing solid, so you don't get the joy of personal thanks.
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