multiblog

see, the problem is big things happen really fast, then i feel like i can't blog until i've caught up and i just get farther and farther behind. i had a job interview on saturday which i didn't really blog about because i go to lots of job interviews and only some of them pan out into jobs and many of those jobs aren't interesting enough or come and go fast enough to blog about. but this job was for a more permanent perpetual position at a coture drapery house- and they were really behind and wanted me to work that afternoon. so i put in my first day the same day i had my interview. whew! i worked there again today and i spent the day thinking about what pet name i should give it, since pesky mac always thinks up clever names for her coworkers and employers and i sorta like curtains-r-us, cause it sounds so cheap and chinzy and gramatically incorrect, and these are fancy drapes with handsewn weights in the ends and all. i mean, they can afford to hire me, they must charge a pretty penny.

the second entry was going to be about weather. cause i'm sick of winter in chicago. and you know, i LOVE winter. i live here cause it snows. cause it gives me a chance to wear sweaters. extremes are exciting. but it's been cold for a while now. i'm ready for a change. i like newness. and 50 degree weather was predicted for this week, but boy did it take a long time coming. and the weather on our POS system at the flowershop is wrong and has predicted 20s and freezing rain and stuff all week. but today it finally happened! ch wanted to go for a drink after work and so i said i'd meet him, and i walked the mile or so to meet him and i passed a thermometer clock which said 60!!!! i walked under the train tracks while a train rushed overhead and it was sunny and pearl was playing amy correia's life is beautiful and my soul was filled with joy. and then i went and bought shoes.

it was pretty nostalgic actually, cause when i first started working for ch, the first concert he took me to was kristin hersh at schubas, and when i got to belmont early to meet them i went to something old something new to kill time and i ended up buying doc marten fisherman sandals supercheap. i don't think i've been in since then, but they still have their killer designer shoe specials.

i got steve maddens sorta like this, only without the strap:
"img src="http://www.6pm.com/images/727/7276496/4974-325460-d.jpg">
and i got doc martens, too:

no, i did not need two pairs of shoes. but the kids shoes there are DIRT cheap. $10.88 for both pairs! that's like, $2.50 per shoe!

so those are the 4 blog entries you get before the one i want to post, which is telling you how after a few drinks ch really hurt my feelings. i was talking about how exciting my new job is, cause i love meeting new people since everyone in chicago keeps moving away. and he said that it was sorta my choice, and i said, like i should make friends with less transient people?, and he said no, like people leaving me is just this PERCEPTION of myself i have, and i think the idea of being left is this romantic notion.

it was really a shock, like a punch to the stomach, and i didn't know what to do. i trust him and his opinions, and no one can make a valid self-assesment, only those on the outside can see one's life as it truely is. but i hate to think i'm that sort of person, wailing away on the moors of chicago about how lonely i am because all my friends keep leaving me. i like to think i state it more as facts: i have transient friends, it's good to have friends all over the world, but i need to not hole up and feel sorry for myself but keep making new friends so i know people who live in the same city as me. but maybe that's just a bronte novel with a nancy-katzen-raised cloyingly optimistic spin on it. and it's all just self-fullfilling. people don't want to be friends with whiny people who just feel sorry for themselves. so if i am that person, i'm not going to make friends, and if i am that person and don't think i am, i'm not going to be able to figure out why.

at the time, i just stammered well, i guess its just perception, and ate my food and sat in silence until he brought up a new topic. why did i make that choice? i guess it was the surprise, surprise that he could say something that would hurt so badly. now i have such 'esprit de l'escalier i have to blog about it, which only makes it worse. why couldn't i have argued with him then, described my hurt, made him explain his perspective until if i didn't agree with it i understood it? instead i just retreated and avoided, and now i'm lashing out by blogging about it. and then he'll read it, because he only reads my blog when i write about him, and then it will be the whole issue of me writing mean things about my friends on the internet again, because this is a CONSTANT problem with me, it seems, and hmmm, perhaps this is a cause of the whole friend problem to begin with??!?!

it's that instant fight-or-flight reaction. i remember in the moment when he was talking about it, i wanted to protect myself, i wanted it to be over. anything i said wasn't with the intention of understanding him or reasoning, it was trying to make it be over as soon as possible. yet it lingers, which is why i feel compelled to blog about it, knowing it isn't the right thing to do- because i can't get it off my mind or cheer myself up again.

ok, i'm exaggerating. i feel a lot more cheered writing about it. i feel even more cheered after linking the wikipedia entry for l'esprit de l'escalier -which i googled because blogger doesn't spell check on macs, because i never know how to spell things in french- and i found out it's a german expression too! Treppenwitz! isn't that so much better? and easier to spell! sadly, what i felt wasn't even treppenwitz. you need some "Witz" for it to count. i feel more like i want another try in general, rather than i have something clever to say now.