texas

ah, where to start? i had a good time, really i did. still, i don't want to deny how hard it was. I am indescribably greatful for all the people who made the trip possible for me. Poor rafael spent an entire weekend having his life invaded. i'm sure he had a nice time, but still, i'm sure he was glad to see me go. Texas was authentically texas. there were cowboy hats, cowboy boots, and lots and lots of highways. highways on top of highways. it was crazy. austin was also beautiful though, the highways cut through hills and creek beds, and i have some nice pictures. also the weather was AMAZING, i mean, i'd hate it year round but that weekend it was perfect, just what i needed to wear my tank tops one last time. and there were palm trees and cactuses. really.

i was worried about the tenseness of making small talk with g's roommates who drove me from rafael's to the wedding, getting to know them again, but my fears were unfounded, and i had a great time with them. because i only see them as a group, i imagine they're always together, when really the likelyhood of us all being in the same place together again is absymally low. however, we did swear to become facebook friends.

the wedding. well, of course there are all the basic normal wedding issues. you know, everyone's so happy and dressed up so nice, and she's there with her sister looking at her grandma and all her friends, who are smiling on as she holds her lover's hand, and i STILL always think, aw, someday when it's my turn i'll... and then i remember i don't get that. it will never add up that way for me. and it seems very unfair, that there's that one sort of happiness i'm denied. I'm not saying i am denied all happiness, or love, or even grandparent approval, i'm just saying this is not the narrative that will play out for me, yet i forget that when i see other people working it, and it stings when i remember. this was i'm sure the most agonizing wedding- i mean, my mom's was awful cause i didn't approve of the match, and that sucked in this one as well. (although, now that he's her HUSBAND, i need to work hard at changing my attitude. because he's a MUCH nicer guy than my stepfather, and what's done is done and i need to get over it already.) there's also, of course, the lust i feel for g, and the way the pastor talked about how they were making their choice for life and that this was their one and only forever; and how that made me feel like she'd chosen between joe and me, and she picked him, even though there was really no contest, i never had a chance, it made it seem so final i never will.

the worst part by far was when the texan pastor made a little political aside in the middle of the homily about us coming together for the marrage of this one man and one woman and that's what marriage is regardless of those wrong thinking people trying to change the laws or whatever. suddenly the wedding was all about me, instead of being all about gabrielle and joe, for me. i wanted to walk out, i wanted to walk out so badly. but i was wearing my high high heels, and i had all these stupid acoutremonts, and i was sitting in the middle of the pew and would have to climb over people. if it was something i didn't care about, like church with my grandma, sure i'd have made a spectacle of myself. but it didn't seem fair to do that to g, who is incredibly hot in her wedding dress and whom i'm still a little in love with.

so I was feeling incredibly introverted, could barely see out of my snailshell, thinking i was gonna be in a depressed lonely funk for the rest of the night. and g's roomates are all whispering and muttering behind me. desperate to be in on some secret, i find out it's about "do we need to stop for cash? will there be a cash bar?" no one really knew if either family would be an anti-alcohol-at-weddings type. (they weren't, btw, there was free wine and beer! horray!) and what a strange little thing, but that snapped me right out of my funk. sure i was in texas, but i was surrounded by other crazy liberals. i had this feeling of minature community, i belonged in this box marked "their friends from chicago" and i felt at home and protected there.

there was great music at the wedding, and great food too. yummy cheese plate with my favorite, boursin, and roasted sweet potatoes and green beans with tomatoes. they played a huge variety of music. the night started off with stuff carolyn could jitterbug to, and the father daughter dance was la bamba, and at the end of the night joe's brothers showed off all their breakdance and zombie moves to 80s michael jackson. the reception was a lot of fun. i had a good time in texas. still, it was hard, and i'm tired, and while i am glad i went, i still feel in need of a weekend!