i don't even know where to start. dad's come and gone- that whole thing's still surreal to me. yesterday: d drove me to the dentist at the crack of dawn to get my cavity filled, then we did the nostalgia tour of hyde park. we went to christie's, and she met d, and i met her kids, which makes me sad i live so far away, and am around so infrequently. i don't know why i always put off calling her when i'm in hyde park. someone remind me of this in november, the next time i'll be down there.
she also drove me back, we took a nap, she drove me to target so i could buy my tent (and scrabble!) and made dinner while i sewed. she also brought up the possiblity of only canceling her participation in the michfest part ouf our vacation plans- she would still be willing to pick me up in michigan and drive me to my cousin's wedding in my hometown.
i just don't know what to do about this. this situation in particular, and the whole relationship in general. i continue to be somewhere between unimpressed and disgusted with myself. if i was someone else giving me advice, i'd be saying, "what are you DOING there? get away already! you wimp! what's WRONG with you?"
and i really have no defense. i say to that voice, oh yes, of course you're right. and i continue to hang out with and sleep with and be otherwise in a relationship with d. and i don't know why. is it because i'm to afraid to be single? because i'm using her for what she gives me? because i love her so much our love can overcome her gross lapse in judgement? how do i learn this? it all goes back to handling. and i guess my answer to that question is no. i don't know what i will do when it becomes too much for me to handle.
so do you all have any advice on:
1. how and if i can separate the roadtrip question from the relationship question
2. what i should do about either one
3. how i can do about doing what i should do without more self-attack.
thanks, y'all. am hoping you'll comment just from the sheer joy of seeing me post again.
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