still a mess

last night i was typing about the whole thing to j, and i was pretty sure i was going to commit to the relationship. then tonight i went to hear nervous but excited and their music made me feel so sad and wistful it was not just like breaking up was the only choice, but like i'd already done it. plus, i'm feeling fridaynightish. so who knows which way i'll swing tomorrow. i made my pro/con lists for both options- all four have 5 items. i closed my eyes and imagined myself in both circumstances and they were both equally believeable, and felt equally right and awful, in opposite ways. at this point i'm definately feeling like my agony's my heaviest load.