the scrabble line is in reference to liz (hi liz!) and all of her struggles this summer, and how she wants to drink and play games with her friends at the bar because beating them in scrabble is the sort of self esteem boost she needs. and i guess i need a similar boost, and i'm hoping that sharing my stories will incline people, not so much to feel sorry for me, but to say, hey cait, that sucks, you know i'm there for you no matter what, right? the difference here of course is liz actually CAN beat people at scrabble, and i choose the more impressive word, or the word i like better, over the word with more points. deb and i are pretty evenly matched in scrabble, because though i have the better vocabulary, she plays for the points. mom and i did get out the boggle though, and it was AWESOME fun, and i'm so much better than i was the last time i played against her, oh, 15 years ago and vowed never to do it again. but i guess i should begin at the begining, before i started having such fun with my mother.
ok, so most of michigan for me happened in my head. it was all about my relationships with people. so going into it, if you remember, d by the very nature of her fuckup couldn't come with me, leah left me a message saying people she was camping with didn't want to camp with me, and ashley sent me an email saying they'd rather take more beer than me. but then my mom said she'd come for the weekend and drive me back to pennsylvania, and that made me feel überloved. even if it was just by my mom. and that was how the week continued to go. i'd feel lonely to the point of invisibility, and then someone would reach out with human contact, and i would just explode with greatfulness and love.
like when i was feeling sorry for myself setting up my tent and jen introduces herself and says she's also camping alone and i can set up my tent as close as i want to hers. she introduces me to the group up the hill, and when i feel excluded from my friends, they invite me to play euchere. i don't know what was up with l. she was going through lots of personal trauma, and that consumed so much of her that she couldn't stand being near anyone who wasn't involved. she had been so friendly to me on the phone recently, but then at the festival she was so uncomfortable around me, like she didn't know why i was there and she wished i would leave so she could get back to her friends. at first, we made awkward conversation, where i felt like she wished i really wouldn't embarrass myself by talking, but she was kind enough to answer me politely. so i took her hint, and by the end of the week, not only was she not talking to me, she wouldn't even make eye contact with me.
for instance: in line behind her to lay out our tarps, and she won't notice me. her friend elaine recognizes me when i lay my little tablecloth next to their big group tarp and we chat, and l still won't look at me. hours later when we come back for the concert, i am mysteriously a few blankets away. and this is why it gets to me. cause i spend all this useless energy worrying: did l move my blanket farther away? is she really ignoring me, or am i just not being forward? did i say something to make her mad at me? is it something i did, or just who i am? it's perfectly reasonable for people to try and squeeze their blankets between ours. why do you think everyone's out to get you, caitlin? what is wrong with you that you made up this whole conspiracy theory?
i only have one example that's concrete, i feel. everything else is probably in my head. wednesday night i was excited to hear laura love, and had felt welcomed on their tarp by leah, so thought that would continue to be the rest of the week. but there was no sign of anyone i knew. finally i spied the third laura, and she told me rachel and leah had gone to camp trans for the night and she showed me where the smaller tarp was. she was soon overwhelmed by smoke, though, and left until erase errata. kasidy was on her way to bed for her early morning shift and she stopped by and kept me company for a while, which was super sweet. then she left and i was enjoying the begining of laura love alone (the 4th laura? there are so many of them) when l and the second laura came up, and looked at me like i was smoking in their car, and said, "oh. caitlin. hi. we're gonna go see our friends." and left. they came back later and sat down, and the second laura said to me, very sweetly and compassionately, "since we knew everyone wasn't going to be here tonight we just put down the small tarp. we invited our friends over, and there are like 10 of them, so you understand there won't be room for you here." ok, i said. so i pulled out my pink poncho and spread it right next to their tarp and sat on that. i left as soon as laura love was done.
but for every story i have of feeling invisible, exiled, or ignored, i have another one of the new friends i made, of people who are kind to me. the third laura, rachel's friend, who was sweet and would talk to me. or jenna, who would share her indian food and frozen rice treats with me, and talk about vegetables. my camping neighbors. the motor city pussys, whose hangout i passed everytime i took the woods path, and who always smiled and waved at me.
i stopped by the philly dykes campsite one morning, and was glared at or ignored until i could find a way to leave. rachel said she was going to crafts, so i went with her, and we had a lovely heart to heart. leah told me a few times she wanted to have a Deep and Meaningful conversation with me, but she never made it happen. leah was the only person who said hi and i'm glad you're here to my mom- no one else really gave me the oppertunity to be introduced. mom reintroduced herself to rachel... and of course, all my new friends all up and down the hill were excited, i'd talked up my mom all week. i was so glad to see her! my new friends were friendly, but one's mother HAS to love one.
but i learned that everyone's festival experience is different, and i should learn to have my own, instead of feeling sorry for myself that i'm not having the experience my friends enjoy. they like to stay up late and go party after the evening concert. i like to go to bed right after, so i can wake up in time for yoga, and breakfast, in the morning. i discovered the quilt, made with squares michfest women send in in the spring, then anyone who wants can quilt on it throughout the week and it's raffled off the last night. in the morning when i needed centering i went to yoga and in the evening when i needed centering i'd go to the over 40's tent, where i could quilt till my arms got sore.
i know leah and rachel read here, and i don't want my accout to villify them- their role at festival is certainly not to make sure i feel loved and welcomed all the time. i know what my friends go up against each other i always choose sides, so i know how it happens. and they certainly gave me indications that they like me and don't mind me hanging around as an aquaintance. while it's true, i do want everyone to like me, i don't expect, or even need to be everyone's best friend. and if anyone ever has to make a choice, i can be counted on to be independent, i mean fuck, that's always what turned up the top on my spiritual gifts tests.
so i guess another reason why i feel like it's ok to break my blogging rule is because i can't belive they care enough to get angry or hurt or notice me. is that petty? i just wonder how much of it is me and how much of it is them. i'd think it was all me, but then other people seemed willing to be my friend. (but maybe it's just that theory that i'm novel- cool to know at first, but i get old quickly and am somewhere between dull and outright cruel after that.) i was so lucky, cause if i would have been there all by myself, i would have been convinced myself that they are all pefectly normal, i'm making this all up. but when my mother came, i could say, "it's not just me, right? we passed them on the path and i waved and they avoided even making eye contact, right?"
i don't want it to come off like a poutfest. "my friends don't like me, they hurt my feelings, they should be nicer, wah!" or whatever. knowing that it was probably going to make even more trouble, that i was going to regret blogging about it, i decided i wouldn't- besides, my friends don't care about my boring life anyway. but then my friends, they did care. they even MISSED me. they even did things about it so i would get to hang with them soon. (thanks liz! thanks krista!) so if the masses ask for the jucy bits, how can i not oblige? also, i don't know how to move beyond it. they keep turning up in my dreams, these characters. ignoring me or dishearted to see me, and i have all this inner turmoil about what to do, how i should act, how i should treat them. it's obviously still not taken care of in my subconscious. so i'm writing to try and get my dreams back.
i'm not writing to try and control others actions, or say they should have done this or done that, or even to surmise what they felt. i can't speak to any of their experiences, all i'm trying to do is first, describe what happened, knowing full well it's highly colored by my perspective and probably quite biased. but my feelings are just that, mine. for me to write about in my blog when they are powerful. when at the very begining of it all i told ashley i was hurt by their choice to renege on their ride offer, she said, "i hope you understand, we didn't mean to hurt you, usw, usw, etc." yes, i can see their point of view, no i don't think they are in the least bit mean, just selfish. regardless of their intentions, i was hurt. whether it's "right" or "wrong" to feel that way, whether i'm letting myself be used or playing a victim, this was still how i felt, i had emotions and i am naming them: hurt.
ugh. that doesn't even cover pennsylvania. basically, i went to my cousin's wedding looking like this:
you can see how happy my dad and stepmother are about it in the background. my little sister, who always has good hair, says people thought i was just trying to get attention and take it away from the bride. which i dont' understand at all. who could compete with this?
but as for my stepbrother's wedding next weekend, my dad emailed me this:
"Caitlin I also have a favor to ask in that you tone down your appearance for the up coming wedding and rehersal dinner. I left you be "Caitlin" for Sarah & Jesse because they would have wanted it that way, but I'd feel better myself if you tone it down this time. It won't be my relatives, but 1/2 people who don't know me and others who would rather shoot me than say hello."
which i understand, i really do, the part that upsets me is 1.that my dad "left" me be dressed like that, insead of, i don't know, ripping off my eyelashes and sticking my head in in a sink. or sending me to my room until i changed. and 2. that no one thinks i know how to be a responsible person. i can't be trusted to dress appropriately. which perhaps i can't.
i had a conversation about it with my mom which made me feel better, and one with my little sister which made me feel worse, and she had some classic lines like:
Rainheads (12:45:04 AM): i talked with mom about it. she thinks my hair will be fine as long as i leave it down and parted.
narknon (12:45:19 AM): yeah I think so too
narknon (12:45:25 AM): maybe a longer dress too
Rainheads (12:45:46 AM): yeah, i have a black halter i'll wear to the wedding
narknon (12:46:39 AM): how long is it?
and
narknon (12:50:45 AM): I invited my friend nate to be my date to the wedding
narknon (12:50:52 AM): so I need to find out what is going on with that
and
narknon (1:10:12 AM): I think it is totally approbriate to express yourself
narknon (1:10:48 AM): however... everyone that i talked to at the wedding.. felt rather then expressing yourself you came off as trying to draw attention to yourself and therefore take attention away from teh bride
narknon (1:10:57 AM): which I know wasn't your attenion
Rainheads (1:13:32 AM): i see their side. i see how people who don't know me or don't know sarah and jesse could find my mohawk offensive.
narknon (1:14:01 AM): at a wedding ther ea re lots of people that don't know everyone
i feel like i should give out rewards for anyone who's read all of my whiney blathering this far. this has really been the blog to end all blogs. do you want dirt? i have some really high quality vermicompost d and i sorted from my bin last night. if you're looking for some high quality nutrient rich dirt, i can hook you up. my grandma also made me special k bars. i might share those, too.
No comments:
Post a Comment